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Jeb!
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Apr 11, 2017 01:30
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The show is great and you all have an amazing time, at least for the first half. Kid Rock starts off the show by asking for a moment of silence to commemorate those who died in the Trail of Tacos, when the survivors of the Nuking of Mexico were turned away from the southern border and left to die outside the Wall. They proceed to play "Nuke Mexico." Unfortunately, the performer played more of Kid Rock's later work created by an AI copy of himself that was uploaded to Stuffnet before they perfected the technology. Internet trolls turned him into a Hitler praising alt-righter similar to Talk with Tay so the performer switched out their own lyrics.Sexual Lorax posted:Never mind the nanostuff programming in the beer, does it taste any good? The beer is standard government brew issued to alcoholic citizens and available for free at libraries everywhere. Since it is considered a medicine and is subsidized under Robamacare it's of the highest quality. Mr. Bigly wasn't going to break out the expensive stuff for you. TWIST FIST posted:Dredd Kushner: "This should be easy, dealing with daughters of famous people is my- wait, how are we supposed to know who his daughter is?" The nanites only prevent you from remembering the Imam's name. You can search it on Stuffnet but you cant remember what keys you entered and only see it as a string of emojis. If you try to communicate the name to anyone outside your circle or not directly involved with the mission they'll only hear gibberish coming from your mouth.
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Apr 11, 2017 03:55
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After the show, The Nothingmatters Kid inclines one eyebrow, this is the only genuine emotional reaction he's capable of. Even I don't know what it means, his Sphinx-like ironic postpostpostpostradicalism is just that dense. "We should scan the towering datascrapers of Stuffnet, their purple-and-teal GLAss edifices stretching upwards towards the vanishing point, the centre of cyberspace, a man-made Foucault's Pendulum around which the combined cat videos of one hundred billion souls rotates, for ☂☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈'s daughter's c h r o m e b r o w s e r s c a n t a g c o d e and... I forget... do we wanna marry em or break em up? Either way, if you get married in the Matrix, you're married in real life."
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Apr 11, 2017 04:19
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punchymcpunch posted:After the show, The Nothingmatters Kid inclines one eyebrow, this is the only genuine emotional reaction he's capable of. Even I don't know what it means, his Sphinx-like ironic postpostpostpostradicalism is just that dense. NATANIEL PLATA : (Quickly does the math) All my simulations indicate a 97% probability that if we offend Mr. ☂☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈'s daughter he will send another squad of Alsorunners to eliminate us. We have to make things kosher for the Hyper-Liberal Church (quickly crosses himself, grabs his genitalia and says "Peace be upon Robama"), while having a backup plan for getting out of the Greater Atlantic Metro Zone after we get paid. I'm already reserving a high speed train to Canada.
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Apr 11, 2017 04:33
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As people start filing out of the bar, Jeb Bush starts trying to push sell his model turtles onto patrons, like a car salesman, but with less charm. Finding no success, he shambles back to the group. "How many of you are familiar with social media? We're going to need to find ☂ ☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈'s daugher first, and I'm not really familiar with the ThingWeb. I tried logging in with my AOL online account, but it didn't work for some reason?" Jeb turns to the nothing matters kid. "You look like a fine young man, I'm sure you're familiar with computers. What can you find?." "Also: I have some family photos I need editing. Specifically, I need to be photoshopped into family events & party conferences, that my Mom and Dad invited my brothers to, but mysteriously forgot to invite me to..." rudatron has issued a correction as of 11:02 on Apr 11, 2017 |
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Apr 11, 2017 10:51
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rudatron posted:As people start filing out of the bar, Jeb Bush starts trying to push sell his model turtles onto patrons, like a car salesman, but with less charm. Finding no success, he shambles back to the group. Certainly! I'll tackle these tasks in order of urgency, I think. Scanning.... Scanning..... 
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Apr 11, 2017 11:31
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SCAN COMPLETE    Unfortunately my Powerglove dataplan is now depleted, does anyone else have a device that can access ThingWeb?
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Apr 11, 2017 11:42
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punchymcpunch posted:SCAN COMPLETE NATANIEL PLATA : You can borrow my Robama phone , I have it tethered into the biocomputers from my old ivory tower. Just use the wetware daemons to connect to the ThingWeb and whatever you do dont run my King in Yellow program on the biocomputers. I would get tracked down by university Acedemonics' summoners for messing up the ... streams.
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Apr 11, 2017 13:52
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punchymcpunch posted:SCAN COMPLETE 'It's like I'm really there, in the picture. You don't know how much this means to me'
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Apr 11, 2017 14:53
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punchymcpunch posted:SCAN COMPLETE lol
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Apr 11, 2017 17:32
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Your stuffnet expertise helps you track down the bride and groom's respective facebook pages. Both are avid users of social media and you're able to collect enough data for americanbarbarian to use his probability theory to determine where they will be in the next few days. The bride is doing post graduate studies in centralized planning, minor in political theory, at the heavily fortified UCLA extension campus of the Ivory Tower. As an active campus booster and the leader of her sorority she often leads her sorority in charitable and educational events. It's likely that in the next few days she will be leading a protest outside the Birthing Center of the Mike Milken Charitable Hospital or teaching nuspeak to Appalachian children at the local Center for Midwest Reunification & Education boarding school. The groom appears to be a party promoter of some sort, organizing underground parties in the seedier parts of town. As you compile the data you begin to see a trend: he is not the sort of man who ought to be marrying an Imam's daughter. His parties center around the objectification of the female form under very prejudicial themes. Last week he organized a medieval era dungeon party where female gelatinous cubes jiggled inside of glass gogo booths. His lack of tweets and MySpace notifications this week indicate that he's not organizing a party, at least for other people. Based on his past locations you believe you know where he will be hosting the most depraved glorification of the patriarchy imaginable: his bachelor party.
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Apr 13, 2017 04:53
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NATANIEL PLATA : Okay I think its time to do some research on the common practices in "bachelor parties". And aren't bachelor parties banned by the Social Justice Department? This guy is a real wild card.
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Apr 13, 2017 05:07
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Ideally we could just give him a stern talking to, maybe even raise our voice a little, but I want our first job to go well, so we're going to have to make her lose interest somehow. I think we're going to have to go undercover, to his bachelor, to see if we can get some dirt on him or rough him up. But we should probably find out why she likes him in the first place, before we do that. I vote we stalker the daughter at this protest, see if she's really committed to the ideals of the hyper liberal church as it seems.
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Apr 13, 2017 05:27
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Spice Zhor says "Well I know the last loving thing I want to do is waste my time burning down a bachelor party thrown by someone who treats objects as women."
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Apr 13, 2017 05:35
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Dredd Kushner: "Yeah, I'd also like to go to the bachelor party. To, uh, investigate."
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Apr 13, 2017 06:57
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The Nothingmatters Kid says "Since I'm a kid or whatever I'll need a disguise to attend this bachelor party" and presses a button on his Powerglove marked 'Disguise'. "Computer... scan late 20th century bachelor movies dot imdb."
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Apr 13, 2017 07:08
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Dick Cheney: If we're going undercover, we'll need to blend in. Pretty sure I've got some young folk clothes laying around, but you might need to wash a little blood out of them.
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Apr 14, 2017 05:56
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Grizzled Patriarch posted:Dick Cheney: If we're going undercover, we'll need to blend in. Pretty sure I've got some young folk clothes laying around, but you might need to wash a little blood out of them. NATANIEL PLATA : I get a feeling that there might be a little difference between a "little" blood to you Dick, than to the rest of us. Haha, am I right? I dont know if US citizens of a color umber or darker are allowed in to these bachelor parties. I have a pretty dark tan from the last time I passed out from drinking in the sun. What disguise should I use?
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Apr 14, 2017 13:49
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cumshitter posted:You stumble down a dark hallway, your hand against the wall to guide you through the darkness. Who are you? How did you get here? You remember a blast of fire, needles, the mutant screeching of the ligers, the bleep bloop of advanced computers... but nothing else. chummer this is a stuffer shack pull through already
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Apr 14, 2017 14:00
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After a quick pass through the local Stuffer Shack drive-thru/Robamacare Mental Health Provider, you make your way to the lower levels of the slums where the bachelor party is being held. You park outside the base of a giant steelcrete pillar that was once a support beam for the skyway system before the Thieltubes replaced them. It shoots up into the sky, erect and phallic. Just like the patriarchy it has seen better days. The outer walls have collapsed in places and there are multiple holes at varying heights that might make decent egress points. But judging from the light and music emanating within the internal supports seem to be in fine condition. The entrance is marked by an antique neogn sign showing a pair of flopping breasts. Several parts of the flopping animation have burnt out, so the breasts appear to wander up and down like boob shaped footsteps in certains parts. A sleepy troll security guard looks you up and down, "Don't touch the girls. Don't cause trouble. Exchange is through the door." You wander in. The entrance area is empty except for a bunch of wheelbarrows in a cart caddy, several tubes portruding from the ceiling, and automated cashiers next to each tube. You pause to plan your next course of action when you hear an angry yipping around your knees. "Hey, are you in line or what?" A kobold shouts at you. You let him through and watch him: he pulls a wheelbarrow from the cart caddy and pulls up to one of the cashiers to pay. He places the wheelbarrow under a chute, hands over some nubucks, and a large pile of outdated paper cash falls into the wheelbarrow. Greenbacks, euros, renminbi, loose and bundled, fall from the chute and the kobold wheels his way past the entrance area. You follow suit and do your best to blend in. The place is huge and there are multiple catwlaks to cater to the various races and genders of the patrons. Cash flies through the air like snow, and it crunches under your feet with every step. You make your way to the area with the most humans and you're able to spot the groom. He appears to be with a dozen of his friends at one of the more expensive table closest to the catwalk. The table is littered with drinks and the entire party is visibly drunk. They don't appear to have any security with them. You're not familiar with what's going on for a moment but after observing the patrons it dawns on you: this is a strip club. Something you'd only heard about in hyper college gender history classes from the old times. This is extremely illegal, and definitely not something an Imam would want to have associated with their family. A scantily clad elfen stripper begins to strut down the catwalk, stepping to the beat of the DJ's song ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" for some reason). She's a wearing a helmet. As she approaches, the groom grabs a bundle of $100's from his wheelbarrow, winds his arm back, and lobs the bills directly at her head. The elf staggers on her heels for a second, but continues marching on. The groom's friends soon let loose their own volleys of cash as the elf continues her walk. One of the groom's friends hands him another drink to congratulate him on the excellent shot and they all high five. It's been a while since 17th grade Gender History, but you get the feeling this isn't an entirely accurate recreation of a strip club. What's the next step?
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Apr 19, 2017 04:55
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Spice Zhor says "Take that stage, Jeb. You were born to do this," and smacks him on his rear end. "If anyone here can turn that alpha choad respectably gay, it's you." Spice reaches into his striped suit coat and produces a pack of gum. Thumbing a stick out at Jeb, he says "Chew and swallow this, and you'll be the hottest piece of rear end this joint has ever seen."
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Apr 19, 2017 16:33
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"Wow, they really got...all the...little details of the strip club right. I mean, I've been to plenty, plenty, of real, legit strip clubs, so nothing in here is surprising to me. But I just thought I should let you guys know, that this is authentic." Jeb takes the gum nervously. "This isn't how I thought it'd go", he says before chewing the gum, "but you guys are about to get an education. What, and learn." You hear him speak under this breath, "Keep it cool. Okay, let's do this. Jeb, exclamation point!" He swaggers over to the groom, having the air of someone determined to look determined, and wearing the cheapest sunglasses money can buy. Reaching the target, Jeb interrupts them, and interjects towards the groom, "Hello, m'lad." "Word on the street is, that you're a lucky groom-to-be." Jeb shifts his legs so that his crotch is prominently displayed (but not too prominently, because he's not a slut). Jeb extends his hand "The name's Veto Corleone", adjusting his sunglasses, "That's veto, with an 'e'."
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Apr 20, 2017 01:59
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rudatron posted:"Word on the street is, that you're a lucky groom-to-be." Jeb shifts his legs so that his crotch is prominently displayed (but not too prominently, because he's not a slut). Jeb extends his hand "The name's Veto Corleone", adjusting his sunglasses, "That's veto, with an 'e'." NATANIEL PLATA: Wispers to Jeb!:"I've calculated the perfect song for you to dance to buddy, knock em dead". Nataniel Plata asks Nothingmatters Kid, "Hey I need to hack the DJ's ipad, can you do that and play this song right now?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWAxRUMy1so
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Apr 20, 2017 06:04
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Dredd Kushner takes pictures of the groom and of the surrounding nightclub. If everything goes wrong, maybe they could be used as insurance.
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Apr 20, 2017 07:14
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TWIST FIST posted:Dredd Kushner takes pictures of the groom and of the surrounding nightclub. If everything goes wrong, maybe they could be used as insurance. Duckfacing the ever loving gently caress out of a few selfies sprinkled in there, I'm sure. Work that body armor over sport coat look. OWN IT.
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Apr 20, 2017 15:28
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Dread Kushner lies dreaming
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Apr 20, 2017 15:29
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AmericanBarbarian posted:NATANIEL PLATA: Wispers to Jeb!:"I've calculated the perfect song for you to dance to buddy, knock em dead". Nataniel Plata asks Nothingmatters Kid, "Hey I need to hack the DJ's ipad, can you do that and play this song right now?" The Nothingmatters Kid hacks the dj booth by handing the dj a mint condition tommy the green power ranger trading card the dj waves him into the booth every screen in the club flashes j e b c o r e and the lights all instantly switch to guac green and the playlist is now Jeb Bush - Hurt, Neil Cicierega - Jeb Only Knows, Carly Rae Jepsen - Jeb Me Maybe, The Police - Jebbage In A Bottle, Richard Harris - McGuacthur Park
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Apr 20, 2017 16:16
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Sexual Lorax posted:Duckfacing the ever loving gently caress out of a few selfies sprinkled in there, I'm sure. Work that body armor over sport coat look. OWN IT. Kushner makes a reply that's probably an incredibly brutal own but no one can hear it over the music.
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Apr 20, 2017 19:41
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Jeb! saunters up to the groom and buttonholes him, asking him if he's aware of the minor details that make the strip club so authentic. Just as the groom is about to walk away the lights turn green. Everything goes silent. "P l e a s e d a n c e" The music starts slowly at first with a single man clapping. But with each clap another beat or instrument is added to the song, and soon the club is bouncing to the beat of Jebcore. It's a solid 5.6 on the booty Richter scale. Everyone begins writhing to the music, except Jeb who continues to talk to the groom completely unaware that he has been hypnotized by the beat. Cheney clubs the groom over the head and stuffs him into a wheelbarrow. You make a hasty exit. The troll bouncer assumes you're taking your drunken friend home. "Hey. Bring the wheelbarrow back or you'll lose your deposit," he admonishes as you roll past the door. You now have one (1) wheelbarrow and one (1) hostage who is also your mission objective. You are safely next to your car. What are you going to do to prevent this oppressively heteronormative marriage from happening?
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Apr 22, 2017 17:46
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Spice Zhor says "Well, I'm sure there weren't about forty different cameras that captured every move of ours in that club, so we have as much time as we could possibly need. Also, killing this rear end in a top hat is a great idea that in no way would wind up with us imprisoned or worse. What's our next move?" He thumps the top of the trunk and says "Keys," holding up an open hand.
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Apr 24, 2017 21:15
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Jeb pats down his suit instinctively, before realizing that he doesn't actually own the car, or anything that's not the clothes on his back. "Where did this Robamamobile even come from?", he asks no one in particular. "Look, this is about as far as my plans went, so I'm open to ideas. I had a great marriage, before it ended because of Robama's policies, so I don't really know what stops two young people loving each other, in this day and age. What's the worst thing a groom to be could do, and could we frame him for that?"
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Apr 25, 2017 02:55
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With a wave of his gloved hand, The Nothingmatters Kid pops the trunk. "A cursory survey of AskJeeves suggests that the worst thing a groom could do is endorse socialism so perhaps we could shave his head and give him a Lenin beard?"
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Apr 25, 2017 05:11
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rudatron posted:What's the worst thing a groom to be could do, and could we frame him for that?" NATANIEL PLATA: We must send a message to the Senor Grandes who hired us that we are not to be messed with. We must shake them to the core of their capitalistic Bezo-blood pump substitutes. With our actions tonight we will shake the foundations of the nu world order and force anyone who deals with us to check their privilage. There is only one thing that could set a black mark on this kids permenant robama-record: I speak of course of the unspeakable... The Cult of the Bernie Bro (Hail Hilary full of Her Turn, robama is with her, blessed art thou among women politicians, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb President Chelsea, Holy Hilary Mother of Democrat Baby Jesus, pray for us middle income voters now and at the hour of our death which is certain, amen) Jeb... get the hair gel. Nothingmatters Kid? Where is the nearest place we can get a bagel?
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Apr 25, 2017 06:19
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Scanning... scanning... Bagl-Waggle is two blocks away (in meat space. all points are equidistant in the perfect pristine burnt-ozone world of information).
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Apr 25, 2017 07:16
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Dredd Kushner goes up to the nearest person on the street and asks them if they know how to hotwire a car.
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Apr 25, 2017 08:46
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