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Wipe off the blackjack so the guard doesn't smell it before we hit him, then stalk that guard and blackjack him (assuming he doesn't have a helmet or something, with our drat luck)
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Apr 19, 2017 19:13
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shovelbum posted:I build a fire out of firepoops and Swede remains, and I consult my almanac with (the scant remaining scraps of) my darling by the firelight. You remember from your ethnography unit in high school that Swedes are far more flammable than your average human. So you use the blackjack to sweep a few of my flaming turds into a neat pile, and hold your beloved over the flames until he begins roasting. The increased light reveals more of the industrial room's facade, but you still can't see its edges. Finally, you have enough light to peruse your almanac, just like you've been wanting to do this whole time, since you first entered this facility. You slip it out of your breast pocket, lay it flat on the catwalk, and open it to the bookmarked page: "APRIL, FOURTH MONTH Dropletf, af foldiers, bear down on ye land Receiv'd by cracked earth in ftately proceffion, Beating graff flat, drowning vermin and wyrmf, Whofe remainf are harvefted by ye mighty GOAT FARMERF CALENDAR Ye mighty Achillef faid that He who if with much fin muft caft ye firft ftone. Take thefe wordf to heart af you plant thif feafon be fure to lob your feedf angrily at ye ground like ftonef at a glaff houfe. Bear in mind that fhould thefe percuffions fummon a fnarling WYVERN it if abfolutely crucial that you" You don't have time to read any more than that, becaufe, I mean because one of the guards caught sight of your makeshift campfire and is heading this way! You've got to act fast! (Luckily he hasn't seen you yet since you're positioned behind the raging flames.) GeneX posted:Cast "summon goatmeal", a ritual spell available at 17th level to warlocks, using the remaining viscera of the swedish meal alongside your own urine as ritual components. If I just summon some "goatmeal", you think to yourself, I can probably rub it in his eyes and blind him or something. Unfortunately, you're missing a bezoar stone, one of the key components of the ritual -- your digestive system hasn't had time to form one yet! CrashCat posted:Wipe off the blackjack so the guard doesn't smell it before we hit him, then stalk that guard and blackjack him (assuming he doesn't have a helmet or something, with our drat luck) Instead, you wipe the dripping, smelly blackjack on the remains of your husband/food source/pyre's pants, hold it in your teeth like an army knife, and stealthily drop down over the railing, hanging to the bottom of the catwalk for dear life. You shimmy over past the guard as he walks towards the fire, swing up, creep up behind him as he investigates the scene, bring the blackjack over your head with both hands, and crash it down onto his skull. He topples forward over the fire, conveniently extinguishing it so the other guards are less likely to notice you, and is presumably singed to death. You never got a good look at his face, but somehow, you know instinctively that the man you just killed was German.
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Apr 19, 2017 19:46
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Did he have any weapons I can take?
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Apr 19, 2017 19:52
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I look around to see if the man I have just hurled to the ground has fummoned a fnarling WYVERN with his percuffions. If there are no WYVERNS I search his pockets and harvest his tenderly roafted meats
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Apr 19, 2017 19:52
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Devour that german's hair, to create a more efficient bezoar.
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Apr 19, 2017 19:55
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> Take Luger
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Apr 19, 2017 20:04
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Speleothing posted:Did he have any weapons I can take? shovelbum posted:I look around to see if the man I have just hurled to the ground has fummoned a fnarling WYVERN with his percuffions. If there are no WYVERNS I search his pockets and harvest his tenderly roafted meats GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:> Take Luger Recalling the almanac's words, your eyes rove warily across the pitch-black skies, but fortunately you don't spot any WYVERNF. You shove your hands into every orifice of the German's clothing. You don't find much of use... some cigarettes, a teleportation ray, a "goatmeal" recipe... you throw all that useless garbage over the side of the catwalk. But in one pocket you do find an honest-to-god Luger! Score! Check the magazine -- it's still got six rounds. Nice. Turning your victim over, you dig your claws greedily into the seared flesh. You just ate, but it wouldn't hurt to bring a snack. You stuff a few handfuls into your pants pockets. GeneX posted:Devour that german's hair, to create a more efficient bezoar. You consider augmenting your bezoar to "rank it up", so to speak, but as you blindly grope at the German's scalp your fingers find nothing but smooth skin. loving skinhead!
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Apr 19, 2017 20:11
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Check his body for other hair edit: Also check my own body for any hair. We gotta rank this thing UP
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Apr 19, 2017 20:13
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naked trichophagic serial killer prowling around preying on, eating europeans i believe we are the goatmeal
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Apr 19, 2017 20:17
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shovelbum posted:Check his body for other hair You slide your hands experimentally under the kraut's shirt, and find a bit of stubble, but the bulk of it must have gotten burned off by your little meatball's love flame. Stick your fingers in his ears, nose -- nothing. Only one other place to check. You slide the second pair of trousers off of the second European today, and your hand darts out to find a fistful of surprising hearty and healthy bush. Aw yiss. Without further ado, you shove your face into the man's crotch and tear out a few servings of curly fries. Some of them stick in your mouth after you swallow -- you hate that! -- but you suck it up, knowing it's all for a good cause. Hopefully these hairs will be able to make their way past the poo poo you ate earlier and join the others. shovelbum posted:edit: Also check my own body for any hair. We gotta rank this thing UP Your religion teaches that your hair is the source of your power. You fear not even a bezoar would protect you from the bad juju that would result from cutting off your ponytail. DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:naked trichophagic serial killer prowling around preying on, eating europeans You suddenly feel like you're on the verge of realizing a vast, universal truth, but that it is just out of your grasp.
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Apr 19, 2017 21:06
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Retrieve and read goatmeal recipe. Look for name on ingredients list.
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Apr 19, 2017 21:25
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> Inventory and > Examine area (E - also  )
GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 22:56 on Apr 19, 2017 |
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Apr 19, 2017 22:52
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After my girlfriend served me rendered donkey fat, claiming it was vegetable pulp, a little bit of 🐐 seems normal.
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Apr 19, 2017 22:56
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FreakerByTheSpeaker posted:Retrieve and read goatmeal recipe. Look for name on ingredients list.
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Apr 19, 2017 22:56
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ikanreed posted:After my girlfriend served me rendered donkey fat, claiming it was vegetable pulp, a little bit of 🐐 seems normal. Wow really? Why would she do that.. that's way more hosed up than anything that's happened in this thread. FreakerByTheSpeaker posted:Retrieve and read goatmeal recipe. Look for name on ingredients list. Adopting a sprinter's stance, you prepare to take a running leap off the walkway, reasoning that the "goatmeal" recipe paper is probably falling slower than you would, so you can definitely catch up to it if you just swim downward fast enough -- CrashCat posted:Are you sure? That means jumping off the catwalk, likely into the infinity of space -- but use your newfound superpower of "thinking things through in advance before you do them" to reconsider at the last second. GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:> Inventory You are carrying: one (1) Luger pistol with six (6) rounds (in front waistband), one (1) blackjack, poorly cleaned of feces (in rear waistband), one (1) Farmer's almanac of unknown provenance (in breast pocket), two (2) handfuls of human bratwurst, rare (in trouser pockets), one (1) scrunchie (holding your hair in a ponytail), and one (1) bezoar-in-progress (in large intestine). GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:> Examine area You can't see that much right now due to low light levels, but here's what you can recall about the immediate area when it was last lit by your lover's burning passion: Directly behind you is an incredibly mangled Swedish corpse, atop which lies a slightly-less mangled German corpse. The German is tightly clutching a flashlight with all the strength of rigor mortis. Stretching a ways behind and in front of you are a series of my alternating poops: fire and water variety. You are, of course, standing on a metal catwalk, with waist high railings, directly above an unfathomably deep abyss, and directly below... an unfathomably high abyss. A ways in front of you, the catwalk feeds into the doorless doorway of an unseeably wide and tall blank facade. Dim purple light emanates from the doorway. You can see tall pillar-like pistons arranged in the room inside in neat rows and columns, and silhouetted figures with flashlights moving back and forth between them.
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Apr 20, 2017 00:44
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Can we > take flashlight > take German's uniform And go shoot 6 guards? We need more HAIR. ?
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Apr 20, 2017 01:01
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OBSERVE guards - see if there is a pattern we can copy via the German's flashlight. We must press on.
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Apr 20, 2017 01:03
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has anyone said scrotemeal
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Apr 20, 2017 01:09
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Stomp on the guard's wrist to get the flashlight. Drink some of the water while following the trail. Don't step on the fire.
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Apr 20, 2017 01:49
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Over the past several minutes, you have concocted an elaborate plan to disguise yourself, infiltrate the enemies' ranks, and then stealthily take them out one by one. It's genius. It's foolproof. You feel like you deserve a medal just for thinking of it. But first things first...Speleothing posted:Stomp on the guard's wrist to get the flashlight. ...you need to shed some light on this situation. You fuckin' SLAM your foot onto the guard's wrist, which makes a surprisingly metallic sounding CLANG against the walkway. What? After a couple stunned seconds, you realize the dude must have been wearing a watch or bracelet or something that you didn't see before the lights went out. At least it seems like none of the other guards heard you over the din of the pistons. The bastard still has a tight grip on the flashlight though. You stomp a few more times. You get a nice rhythm going. CLANG CLANG CLANG ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR! You hear something large and reptilian above you. And it's getting closer. Oh, gently caress.
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Apr 20, 2017 02:32
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Oh poo poo! I don't know if we want to lure the guards to get eaten, shoot, or run away!
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Apr 20, 2017 02:38
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Hide under the corpses If the thing gets near, just wave the German's arm and with our best German accent say "Evveryzing ist fine unt dandy here! Ja, alles guut mein monster freund!"
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Apr 20, 2017 03:26
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Izzhov posted:Would you try eating "goatmeal", or would you pass up the opportunity? Please bear in mind that in this hypothetical scenario, this is your only chance to try "goatmeal". If you pass this up, you will never in your entire life get another chance to try "goatmeal". Yes, I would love to try the goatmeal, thank you for offering!
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Apr 20, 2017 03:27
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Scroon posted:Hide under the corpses
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Apr 20, 2017 03:28
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Извините, господине, ја бих да пробам оброк од козе или 'goatmeal' молим.
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Apr 20, 2017 04:48
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Scroon posted:Hide under the corpses
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Apr 20, 2017 04:58
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Holy poo poo > wear germans face
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Apr 20, 2017 05:21
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hide under the corpses and read the next part of the almanac
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Apr 20, 2017 05:37
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Volmarias posted:Yes, I would love to try the goatmeal, thank you for offering! Sorry, we are actually dealing with a rapidly evolving and volatile situation here, now you have to solve a series of retarded adventure game style puzzles in order to try the "goatmeal", instead of just saying you want it. Scroon posted:Hide under the corpses Mexican Deathgasm posted:hide under the corpses and read the next part of the almanac You recall from your wyvernology unit in high school that wyverns are actually incapable of seeing through solid objects, so, thinking quickly, you use the two closest available bloodied, mangled, burnt, violated, and handsome hunks of man meat as makeshift flesh blankets to conceal yourself. To pass the time, you whip out your trusty almanac to pick up where you left off, but then you remember that it's too dark to read anything, so you put it back. Meanwhile, the roars have drawn one of the silhouetted figures out onto the catwalk. Peering through a hole in one of the corpses that you ate clean through earlier, you see him scan the general direction of the cries with his flashlight. Briefly, a pair of leathery wings, and a spiked, scaly breast are illuminated. The beam stops its overshot trajectory and slowly moves back, and upward, until it reveals a serpentine neck terminating in a royally angular head, all covered in blood red arabesque swirls painted on a dark green background. The guard drops his flashlight and screams Europeanly. He throws his arms in the air and runs in a random direction, reflecting off the railing like an ideal gas particle whenever he hits it. Eventually he runs a little too fast and can't slow down enough to prevent himself from tumbling over the precipice and falling to his death. The ruckus draws out what appears to be all of the other guards, who essentially repeat this exact same process. Except that they bump into each other a lot more while running around in terror, so they don't all fall to their deaths at once. They also don't all drop their flashlights, which causes a strange strobing effect as the beams pass over and illuminate clumps of half a dozen guards all running in different directions on a narrow catwalk. Outrail posted:Извините, господине, ја бих да пробам оброк од козе или 'goatmeal' молим. You utter a quiet prayer in your native tongue to the "goatmeal", beseeching its protection. You get no answer. The wyvern, apparently tiring of these shenanigans, suddenly strikes. Randomly spinning spotlights complexly dapple the beast as it dives to the section of catwalk thickest with guards, and takes a loving bite out of it. The metal is torn apart like butter. Most of the guards who happened to be at the focal point of the assault are crushed in the beast's jaw; those at the fringes, but who still find the floor disappearing from under them, fall instantly to their deaths. The rest are still freaking out, screaming, and running in random directions, so they are eventually carried into this newly made gap by Brownian motion. All of the guards have fallen... still the wyvern does not depart. It's still hanging around somewhere in the darkness, roaring occasionally, like it knows you're there and is just waiting for you to come out... Izzhov fucked around with this message at 17:27 on Apr 20, 2017 |
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Apr 20, 2017 17:17
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Wikipedia says wyverns "tend to be smaller, weaker, not as intelligent, and ultimately inferior to the much more ferocious and powerful dragon." So if we convince the wyvern we're a dragon, it will recognize us as its better and skulk away in shame. Dragons are scaly - show it that bad patch of eczema on our back. Dragons love gold - talk about how much we've been investing in Goldline recently. Finally, dragons breathe fire. We have something even better - a gun. Let's put the gun in our mouth (barrel facing outward obviously), and fire a single round in the air to convince it we're the rare and deadly bullet dragon Also maybe flap our arms like wings to really sell it. Scroon fucked around with this message at 18:46 on Apr 20, 2017 |
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Apr 20, 2017 18:44
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Use The Force to retrieve a flashlight, use it to read the almanac
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Apr 20, 2017 20:31
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Mexican Deathgasm posted:Use The Force to retrieve a flashlight, use it to read the almanac Yeah and by the Force, use a handful of greasy human fat to lube the flashlight loose from the German's hand without clanging. Also steal his bracelet or whatever.
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Apr 20, 2017 20:32
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Izzhov posted:Sorry, we are actually dealing with a rapidly evolving and volatile situation here, now you have to solve a series of retarded adventure game style puzzles in order to try the "goatmeal", instead of just saying you want it. Oh, I see. So when some random shlubs come in and say "I'll have the MOATMEAL hur hur hur" that's fine, but when a polite and respectful response comes from a goatmeal aficionado suddenly you're too busy? OP, I don't think you ever had goatmeal in the first place. I think this was all a ploy to get us to play a CYOA which is dangerously deficient in lettered options.
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Apr 20, 2017 20:44
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Use magic marker to write "goatmeal" on stomach
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Apr 20, 2017 20:51
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same but ELBERETH
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Apr 20, 2017 20:59
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Loudly shout to the sky that "Its my money, and I need it now!"
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Apr 20, 2017 21:16
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Volmarias posted:Oh, I see. So when some random shlubs come in and say "I'll have the MOATMEAL hur hur hur" that's fine, but when a polite and respectful response comes from a goatmeal aficionado suddenly you're too busy? Um how can you be an aficionado if there's only one dish of "goatmeal" in existence, plus you didn't even spell "goatmeal" right? Mexican Deathgasm posted:Use The Force to retrieve a flashlight, use it to read the almanac shovelbum posted:Yeah and by the Force, use a handful of greasy human fat to lube the flashlight loose from the German's hand without clanging. Also steal his bracelet or whatever. Oh, right. You were actually trying to "accomplish" a "goal" before all this wyvern poo poo happened. Well there's no use letting sleeping goats lie now, as your grandpappy used to say. You grab a handful of greasy meat from your pockets, and surreptitiously -- and sensually -- snake your arm along the Deutschman's. When you reach his hand, you smush the fat into the gap between his iron grip and the flashlight. It actually slides out pretty easily -- you have to react fast to grab it before it clatters onto the floor. Apparently that stomping session earlier did some good. Once your arm slithers back inside, 'light in hand, you remember that the almanac you were reading earlier said something about WYVERNF. So you fish the book out of your pocket again, cradle the end of the flashlight in your hands to prevent any of the beam from leaking out of your fort and alerting the wyvern, and open it up to the bookmarked page once more: "...Bear in mind that fhould thefe percuffions fummon a fnarling WYVERN it if abfolutely crucial that you flibbity flobbity poo poo poo I'm from the late 1700s tee hee" You can't read any of this old English mumbo jumbo! gently caress you, Ben Franklin! You hurl the almanac over the edge of the catwalk in disgust. Guess you gotta work this one out on your own. Curling into a fetal position because you believe it will maximize the flow of blood to your brain for some reason, you think and think and think. And think and think and think and think. Finally you concoct an unimaginably good plan -- even better than every plan you've ever concocted before, combined: Scroon posted:Wikipedia says wyverns "tend to be smaller, weaker, not as intelligent, and ultimately inferior to the much more ferocious and powerful dragon." Using the available materials, you construct an incomparably accurate dragon cosplay. Oh how you wish your Anthrocon friends could see you now -- you'd be the belle of the ball! You steel yourself, psyche yourself up one last time... and then burst out of your fleshfort like an uncoiling spring. Flapping your arms wildly and jumping around like a maniac, you shout, "Escrow! Fixed rate mortgage! I owe all that I own to the bear and the bull! It's my money, and I need it now!" You tongue the trigger of your Luger and fire off a couple shots. Given the lack of lighting, it's unclear to what extent if any this display is fazing the beast. Uh oh -- all this jumping around is jostling your bowels something fierce. You can feel a huge dump coming on, and you don't know how much longer you can -- yep, you just poo poo yourself. Three turds tumble down your pant leg onto the floor. You don't let that stop you. You point the flashlight at the source of the roars to see if any of this is working, just in time to light up a very angry wyvern making a beeline towards you, jaw agape. Oh poo poo. You return to your fetal position. You had a good run. Even though you never got to know what "goatmeal" tastes like, at least you'll get to know what a wyvern reverse-tastes like... ... ... ...you're still alive for some reason. You very carefully look up at the wyvern, to find it hovering in the air right in front of the walkway, its gaze fixed on... your turds? It carefully touches its nose to one of them, and upon contact lets loose a cry that's probably best described as a "shriek", and flaps upward as fast as it can, until your flashlight beam can no longer reach it. It's gone. Perplexed, you investigate the turd that scared it off. You wipe some of it with your finger, revealing a hard yellow stone beneath. It's the bezoar! Jubilant, you pick up the mystic rock and nestle it between some krautguts in your trouser pocket for safekeeping. Dial-a-Dog posted:Use magic marker to write "goatmeal" on stomach DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:same but ELBERETH Next you turn your attentions toward the gap in the catwalk. You reckon something useful might have tumbled out of one of the guards' pockets while they ran around terrified. And you're right. There's a decent amount of poo poo laying around, both literal and figurative, but as you scan the scene with the flashlight, the main thing that catches your eye is a magic marker. You take it, and in neat, upside-down-and-backwards (from your perspective) script, scrawl the word "goatmeal" on your torso. Then you carefully draw the letters E L B E R E T H in a regular octagon around the "goatmeal" text, and connect opposite ends with lines to form an eight-pointed star. Step one of the summoning ritual is complete.
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Apr 20, 2017 22:25
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As per the process written in the ancient alchemical scriptures, carefully spread your urine in the shape of the hebrew letters gimmel, vav, tet, mem, yud, and lamed. Be careful to use agrippa's celestial alphabet and not normal Hebrew, however: we want the good kind of "goatmeal" and not a lovely knockoff.
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Apr 20, 2017 22:33
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GeneX posted:As per the process written in the ancient alchemical scriptures, carefully spread your urine in the shape of the hebrew letters gimmel, vav, tet, mem, yud, and lamed. Be careful to use agrippa's celestial alphabet and not normal Hebrew, however: we want the good kind of "goatmeal" and not a lovely knockoff. You are absolutely raring to get started on step two of the ritual, but this narrow catwalk doesn't give you enough space to work with. There's just no way you'll be able to construct an Ethereal Circle of sufficient diameter here. 
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Apr 20, 2017 22:36
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 06:34 |
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Volmarias posted:OP, I don't think you ever had goatmeal in the first place. I think this was all a ploy to get us to play a CYOA which is dangerously deficient in lettered options.  also what kind of wizard inscribes Elbereth after the monsters have already fled, sheesh
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Apr 20, 2017 22:38
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