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  • Locked thread
Captain_Maclaine
Sep 30, 2001

Every moment I'm alive, I pray for death!

This is the official thread for statements by and policy directives of the CSPAM President.

The current CSPAM President is: Lastgirl. All hail Lastgirl, and her glorious new regime!

Current Policy Directive:

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Captain_Maclaine
Sep 30, 2001

Every moment I'm alive, I pray for death!

The 2nd CSPAM presidential election is over! It was byzantine, unrepresentative, and thoroughly prone to corruption and backroom dealing, as usual. Whether a certain former candidate decides to stage any sort of coup in an attempt to overturn the results remains to be seen.

The powers and responsibilities of that office are far too complicated and numerous for me to go into right now, but please rest assured that the current President knows everything they need to about the office they hold. However, I should lay out some ground rules just to keep things on as even a keel as we ever have:
  • General Forums Rules: Even the CSPAM President is bound to obey them. Legum servi sumus ut liberi esse possimus.
  • Tenure of Office: While there are no set terms or limits on this office, no one holding it is immune from recall or overthrow.
  • Civilization and its Malcontents: Flouting the authority of the President may or may not have consequences, depending on circumstances and especially whether it's done in an entertaining fashion.
  • Chill Out: Don't take any of this nonsense too seriously. If all of this ceases to be fun and turns into garbage we'll probably just get rid of it and pretend it never happened.
  • Ed? Balls.

This thread is now open that we may all bask in the glory of our new Fearless Leader, and her all-but-guaranteed comical disaster of an administration.

mormonpartyboat
Jan 14, 2015


break out the capri suns




Captain_Maclaine posted:

Legum servi sumus ut liberi esse possimus.

thus always to possums

iospace
Apr 20, 2020




Grimey Drawer

Mods, rename the thread to "Executive Mansion 2: Electric Boogaloo"

eonwe
Aug 11, 2008


Lipstick Apathy

lg is good, OP

crazy cloud
Nov 7, 2012

Wow, cool. What?



Lipstick Apathy

I hope someone moved the last supper i had hanging in the foyer before you had the other mansion bulldozed

Captain_Maclaine
Sep 30, 2001

Every moment I'm alive, I pray for death!

iospace posted:

Mods, rename the thread to "Executive Mansion 2: Electric Boogaloo"

Thought about it, but it's been done so many times before.

Gringostar
Nov 12, 2016

See the animal in his cage that you built, are you sure what side of the glass you are on?


Captain_Maclaine posted:

Thought about it, but it's been done so many times before.

Executive Mansion 2: Golf Harder

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


Hi

Thank you very much for your show of support!

I am humbled the people of C-SPAM elected me. Since I am your voice and will, I shall do my best to represent you which is why I'm keen on an Open Door policy as a one of the first order of business after everything has fallen into place, such as this thread subtitle and a dysfunctional cabinet!~

But for now, I will be sticking an umbrella in my rum punch and laying out on the C-SPAM mansion front lawn to catch some rays as we transition

Happy 4/20 everyone enjoy this day for it is a momentous occasion and thus celebration is mandatory

Al!
Apr 2, 2010



does anyone kno how to work the lights in here

Gringostar
Nov 12, 2016

See the animal in his cage that you built, are you sure what side of the glass you are on?


Al! posted:

does anyone kno how to work the lights in here

cram a penny in there

mormonpartyboat
Jan 14, 2015


break out the capri suns




Gringostar posted:

cram a penny in there

penny 'll start a fire

Captain_Maclaine
Sep 30, 2001

Every moment I'm alive, I pray for death!

Gringostar posted:

cram a penny in there

That's your answer for everything!

Al!
Apr 2, 2010



this projector screen keeps lowering down and bonking me on the head when my back is turned, i think some staffers from the previous admin are still hiding in the walls

Al!
Apr 2, 2010



wait, i was IN the previous admin

crazy cloud
Nov 7, 2012

Wow, cool. What?



Lipstick Apathy

Annyong

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


*sips rum punch and lifts glasses above*

electricity is wasteful so can we tear the roof off and let REAL light in? make it happen thank you

this is a renewable energy administration and i will not idly stand by and see baby lightbulbs be roasted alive to illuminate spacious areas

Gringostar
Nov 12, 2016

See the animal in his cage that you built, are you sure what side of the glass you are on?


Lastgirl posted:

*sips rum punch and lifts glasses above*

electricity is wasteful so can we tear the roof off and let REAL light in? make it happen thank you

this is a renewable energy administration and i will not idly stand by and see baby lightbulbs be roasted alive to illuminate spacious areas



wisdom

Turdfuzz
Jul 23, 2008


im not leaving

Turdfuzz
Jul 23, 2008


QUIT TOUCHIN MY STUFF FUCKERS

Al!
Apr 2, 2010



Turdfuzz posted:

QUIT TOUCHIN MY STUFF FUCKERS

are you going to eat this lime

Al!
Apr 2, 2010



too late its already in my butt

Bear Retrieval Unit
Nov 5, 2009



Fun Shoe

YAAAS SLAY KWEEN

Gringostar
Nov 12, 2016

See the animal in his cage that you built, are you sure what side of the glass you are on?


and now a special address from madam presidents press secretary

Lindsey O. Graham
Dec 31, 2016

"We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

Gringostar posted:

and now a special address from madam presidents press secretary



very fitting

Lindsey O. Graham
Dec 31, 2016

"We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

Baloogan
Dec 5, 2004



Fun Shoe

CSPAM.White.House.S02.720p.mkv

Squizzle
Apr 24, 2008

his words say yes


Fun Shoe

Squizzle
Apr 24, 2008

his words say yes


Fun Shoe

Gringostar posted:

cram a penny in there

Al! posted:

too late its already in my butt

FabioClone
Oct 3, 2004



Calling to congratulate the new president on her victory, and hoping to become a critical ally in her war on sobriety.

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


hope everyone's having a great 4 day weekend so far, I'm traveling to my winter whitehouse because i realized that tearing the roof off on the first one was a bad idea so I need tax payer money to cover the damage done to that and also the tax payer money to cover my charter flight to the maldives where the winter whitehouse is because it gets cold in the tropics

anyways pay me lots of money and we'll make everything fine dont worry about it

Lindsey O. Graham
Dec 31, 2016

"We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

Lastgirl posted:

hope everyone's having a great 4 day weekend so far, I'm traveling to my winter whitehouse because i realized that tearing the roof off on the first one was a bad idea so I need tax payer money to cover the damage done to that and also the tax payer money to cover my charter flight to the maldives where the winter whitehouse is because it gets cold in the tropics

anyways pay me lots of money and we'll make everything fine dont worry about it

gets defense contract
collects check
gives you a cut
Bing bong! So simple!

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


*strolls in with a cup of tea and yawns*

ok so walk and talk with me like they do in the hit NBC series west wing with 3 golden globe and 26 emmies so i can feel engaged and busy and important, except like do it more slowly and sitting down and actually just whisper because i have a hang over

oh good the lights are still off, lets begin.

*ahems*

I've taken the 4 day weekend to consider cabinet positions for my administration, and this week we'll start effecting real change to drain the swamp by streamlining every cabinet position into a more sleek, a more hyper agile government designed for the 21st century shitposting lifestyle.

i dont have any laser pen or a powerpoint slide so this index card of cabinet positions will do

*reads off a weathered index card and squints*

right now I think I scribbled Squizzle in as Vice President

also Dr. Ben Carson for C-SPAM HUD as well, I figure he could do with the extra practice for his Grain Silo R&D in the goblin's nest.

I would also like to appoint Al! for Secretary of Defense and Baloogan as Deputy Secretary of Defense.

I believe Lindsey O. Graham was acting attorney general, and would like to have him stay on to fulfill his role until someone is nominated or Lindsey himself is formalized in the position.

Secretary of State is open and needs confirmation. You'll be dealing with D&D immigration a lot on this one.

Secretary of Liquor and Secretary of Drive Thru Orders are also open and needs confirmation.

3 more spots to fill to streamline this administration and cut out all the bureaucratic redundancy.

and... thats all the space I have on this index card and I don't like writing on the back because the ink bleeds through and its harder to read especially without light in here, jest let me know if you accept these positions, thank you!

I would like to pass a general motion this week sometimes so feel free to apply for the open positions. While I have some people in mind for the last 3 position, there's a limited window and I want to exhaust all the options and by exhaust I mean procrastinate while I catch some sunrays some more with Every Open Eye in my earbuds and mojitos within reach.

C-SPAM first. God bless

Lindsey O. Graham
Dec 31, 2016

"We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

I accept the continuation of my position as attorney general, and am seeking the formalization of this position.

on another note, i'm loving the picks for defense, hawkish, just the way i like 'em

Turdfuzz
Jul 23, 2008


u havent seen the last of me....

Daycrew
Jul 14, 2012



Ill be mowing the lawns.


Poorly

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


very well, Lindsey is formalized as AG as part of crazy cloud's legacy since he accepts.

Thatim is Secretary of Short Pants, it should improve your lawn mowing duties now.

Lastgirl
Sep 7, 1997


I never promised
you ~
Anything I
couldn't do ~


actually lets make Lindsey Secretary of Short Pants

mormonpartyboat
Jan 14, 2015


break out the capri suns




to whoever wins secretary of the interior / drive thru

i humbly suggest a Re-Education Environmental Exile (REEE) program whereby two posters who are polluting a Thread what with Extremely Opinions on a Subject are quarantined to a single thread, with a probation hung over the Arena of a length asserted by the Extremeliness of the Opinions

there, they must argue their positions and do Battle. after the Battle has been waged for a Determined period and there is no more Entertainment to draw from the REEE, the competitors will be judged by the C-SPAM rabble who will vote for a winner, or no winner at all should neither's posts be worthy. this forces the champions to remember, throughout their trials, that they will not win by the ~logical rigeour~ of their arguments but by whatever fickle decisions seize momentary control of the howling Crowd's collective meatsacks. to emphasize this, heckling by the Mob is encouraged, while responding to the heckling is Disallowed. through these Trials posters will be scoured and remade whole

those who are disqualified due to refusal or breaking the rules or breaking quarantine increase their probationary period by one category. the remaining competitor must still argue their case to the satisfaction of the Mob

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Daycrew
Jul 14, 2012



Lastgirl posted:

actually lets make Lindsey Secretary of Short Pants

I just got new oil for the machine!!

But he does seem like a capable gardner

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