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Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


title says it all. i felt like we had chemistry, held hands, made out, had sex, cuddled up and watched movies, went out a lot, did all the normal stuff. at some points she couldn't keep her hands off me, interrupting whatever film (or whatever) we were watching so we could start messing around. in fact, in the very beginning, she made the first move. so i find her attitude very puzzling.

it's not the dumping that bothers me (though i did like her), it's the fact that she doesn't acknowledge us as ever having 'much going on,' in her words. i'm an incredibly lonely, insecure person by nature, and it's in the very rare instances that a girl finds me interesting that i manage to build up my confidence a little. so, do i believe her, and thereby affirm my utter undesirability as a romantic partner, or is she just revising history to make it easier on her? in the latter case, i'd at least feel like i might still have a chance with someone else. not so much in the former.

i just find it very odd that we had such different perspectives on our relationship (which she says was just a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement). i knew we weren't exclusive, and both slept with other people in the few months I left the state (that girl dumped me too, says she's only seeing women now. i believe her, so it's no big deal, and besides we're now separated by a continent). but i still feel like, at some point at least, we were more serious than that.

so, how should i take this? and does it even matter? am i just dwelling for no reason? i obviously need to get over her, and i will eventually. it's just frustrating because i'm sure it will be years before i meet someone i can get along with. in fact, i've never had a serious relationship, and was hoping this might become one. anyway, i need an outsider perspective.

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I.N.R.I
May 26, 2011


You should try fatally wounding her with gunshots

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009

KILL YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF YOU WHITETRASH "ALLY"


Look, if you're as insecure as you admit, then that was the problem that killed any attraction for her.

It's over. Move on, get therapy, do better with the next person.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


biracial bear for uncut posted:

Look, if you're as insecure as you admit, then that was the problem that killed any attraction for her.

It's over. Move on, get therapy, do better with the next person.

i understand her ceasing to be attracted to me, but why twist the knife further by claiming to have never been attracted to me?

i've been to two psychiatrist. one gave me zoloft, which did absolutely nothing, the other tried to put me on lithium, which i decided not to take. i don't really trust psychiatrists. maybe therapists are different?

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009

KILL YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF YOU WHITETRASH "ALLY"


Isotropic posted:

i understand her ceasing to be attracted to me, but why twist the knife further by claiming to have never been attracted to me?

i've been to two psychiatrist. one gave me zoloft, which did absolutely nothing, the other tried to put me on lithium, which i decided not to take. i don't really trust psychiatrists. maybe therapists are different?

Odds are good that when you were being insecure you said or did some pretty lovely things that hurt her as well (because that's what insecure people do), so it's good on her for getting some back.

Alpha Mayo
Jan 15, 2007

May I help you with your order?

Isotropic posted:

i'm an incredibly lonely, insecure person by nature

Then work at it and make it not your nature.
Women smell insecurity a mile away (or 10000 miles in your case), and nothing turns them off more. If you aren't secure with yourself, how could you possibly be secure in any relationship? Insecurity brings clinginess, jealousy and trust issues from the very start. No one wants that.

Darude - Adam Sandstorm
Aug 16, 2012

Saviour, thy name is Knuckle


Maybe your penis is small and barely functioning and she was trying to be nice.

false flag post-op
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

You turned one woman off men forever, so I call it a wash.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


Alpha Mayo posted:

Then work at it and make it not your nature.
Women smell insecurity a mile away (or 10000 miles in your case), and nothing turns them off more. If you aren't secure with yourself, how could you possibly be secure in any relationship? Insecurity brings clinginess, jealousy and trust issues from the very start. No one wants that.

jealousy and trust didn't factor into it, cos it was an open relationship. i was pretty clingy. i'd been lonely so long that human contact was irresistible to me. wasn't even a sexual thing, i just liked being around her. but yeah, that was probably it.

but why kiss someone you aren't attracted to?. maybe she was just drawn to my staggering intellect (HA). oh well, she was out of my league anyway. guess it'll be another 5 years before i meet someone who's interested in me--until they're not.

i don't know how to work on insecurity when i'm being rejected left and right. it's mostly the hope of functional relationship that helps me feel worthwhile. i've got hobbies, good education, a good job, natural intelligence (when it comes to math and sciences), i'm well read and a decent writer when i put any effort into it. none of that does anything for me. anyway, this has devolved into an inane rant about my personal failings.

mostly i'm confused about why she says she never had any strong feelings for me. i went cross country for a few months, and when i returned it seemed like things has changed; maybe that's all there is to it;

biracial bear for uncut posted:

Odds are good that when you were being insecure you said or did some pretty lovely things that hurt her as well (because that's what insecure people do), so it's good on her for getting some back.

i don't know. i was always nice to her, at least. hell, i worshipped her. i liked everything about her, and we had the same taste in art, music, film. what kinda lovely things do insecure people do? self-loathing and a lack of confidence don't really affect the other person, other than maybe making you not fun to be around.

oh well, it's behind me now. still a bummer tho. i hoped the memories would at least last;

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


false flag post-op posted:

You turned one woman off men forever, so I call it a wash.

incidentally, i convinced one girl she was straight, so i think the score evens out. of course that relationship didn't work out either, and she's not speaking to me, despite having been my best friend for years. i'm obviously doing something wrong, but can't put my finger on it.

HIJK
Nov 25, 2012

People were stupid, sometimes. They thought the Library was a dangerous place because of all the magical books, which was true enough, but what made it really one of the most dangerous places there could ever be was the simple fact that it was a library.


Some people say stuff like this after a break up. It helps them cauterize emotionally. She probably was attracted to you but now she's not and she doesn't want any more baggage so she'll say stuff like "I was never attracted to you" to make it easier to leave.

It's a pretty standard coping mechanism to change the story when the good times are over but it still sucks. I'm sorry man.

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009

KILL YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF YOU WHITETRASH "ALLY"


Isotropic posted:

incidentally, i convinced one girl she was straight, so i think the score evens out. of course that relationship didn't work out either, and she's not speaking to me, despite having been my best friend for years. i'm obviously doing something wrong, but can't put my finger on it.

Maybe you should start putting your finger on it.

Pewdiepie
Oct 31, 2010



Isotropic posted:

title says it all. i felt like we had chemistry, held hands, made out, had sex, cuddled up and watched movies, went out a lot, did all the normal stuff. at some points she couldn't keep her hands off me, interrupting whatever film (or whatever) we were watching so we could start messing around. in fact, in the very beginning, she made the first move. so i find her attitude very puzzling.

it's not the dumping that bothers me (though i did like her), it's the fact that she doesn't acknowledge us as ever having 'much going on,' in her words. i'm an incredibly lonely, insecure person by nature, and it's in the very rare instances that a girl finds me interesting that i manage to build up my confidence a little. so, do i believe her, and thereby affirm my utter undesirability as a romantic partner, or is she just revising history to make it easier on her? in the latter case, i'd at least feel like i might still have a chance with someone else. not so much in the former.

i just find it very odd that we had such different perspectives on our relationship (which she says was just a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement). i knew we weren't exclusive, and both slept with other people in the few months I left the state (that girl dumped me too, says she's only seeing women now. i believe her, so it's no big deal, and besides we're now separated by a continent). but i still feel like, at some point at least, we were more serious than that.

so, how should i take this? and does it even matter? am i just dwelling for no reason? i obviously need to get over her, and i will eventually. it's just frustrating because i'm sure it will be years before i meet someone i can get along with. in fact, i've never had a serious relationship, and was hoping this might become one. anyway, i need an outsider perspective.

2D women won't betray you.

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008


Have you tried getting over it and moving on with your life

Alpha Mayo
Jan 15, 2007

May I help you with your order?

HIJK posted:

Some people say stuff like this after a break up. It helps them cauterize emotionally. She probably was attracted to you but now she's not and she doesn't want any more baggage so she'll say stuff like "I was never attracted to you" to make it easier to leave.

It's a pretty standard coping mechanism to change the story when the good times are over but it still sucks. I'm sorry man.

Yeah, this. Just a human psychology thing. Kind of when you buy a car, it is the best purchase you ever made and you want to tell everyone what a great deal you got on it. When you buy into something, your brain idealizes it to justify the time/money spent on it. Absolutely no one wants to be told "you were a sucker and overpaid by $3000, and could have bought this better car instead* .

Likewise, when you get rid of something, your brain devalues it (the car was always a piece of poo poo, because it broke down at 110K miles, despite the 110K maintenance-free miles you got out of it before that point). The mind is trying to justify that you were right to get rid of it, to the point it changes reality. Sorry for the car analogy, but my point is the brain plays tricks on itself as a coping mechanism for dealing with intentional loss. She was definitely attracted to you at some point, it is just that the attraction turned to resentment over time.

And jealousy can definitely be an issue in Open relationships. Maybe even moreso than monogamous relationships. Examples:
One secretly desires a closed relationship and only settles for open, while the other is not interested at all in a closed relationship
You have one partner a month, she has a partner every night.
You have sex with a partner clearly more attractive than she is, or become enamored with a new partner. She feels unattractive and unwanted.
Or there is no communication about sex lives and you each have no idea what the other is doing or who she is with. Imagine texting her, she doesn't respond. A jealous person's mind goes rampant with "she must be loving someone who isn't me right now, I don't get it!"

Remember, jealousy is the fear of losing something you have, and that can definitely happen in open relationships. But if fear becomes the central motivating factor in a relationship, the relationship is doomed to failure. To me, it sounds like you were extremely unhappy that this was an open relationship and were hoping it would become closed, and probably engaged in behavior that pushed her away due to your own insecurities and dissatisfaction with it.

My advice would be to work on your self-confidence so you don't self-perceive as insecure, and once there, seek out healthy closed relationships because Open may never be your thing. Open relationships are like juggling balls of pure chaos if there is even a shadow of self-doubt in yourself. I've seen friends try to save their relationship by going open, and it never once worked out.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


signalnoise posted:

Have you tried getting over it and moving on with your life

well, yes, i even said that i "obviously need to get over her". i guess i'm really wondering if she is being truthful and i am just not attractive, which i can't really do much about, or she lost the attraction because we weren't compatible, something i did, or whatever, which i can work on.

anyway i've concluded there's no easy answer, and since the relationship is over, it doesn't really matter. i just need to move on and somehow work on my insecurity (which is much easier said than done).

Darude - Adam Sandstorm
Aug 16, 2012

Saviour, thy name is Knuckle


Unless you show us pictures of you how are we going to know if you're attractive.

Aside form you being a whiny codependent sad sack goon, how would we know!

rio
Mar 20, 2008



Not joking - do you have a normal I.e. not tiny penis?

And yes therapists are very different than any kind of doctor. It is seriously worth checking out.

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008


Isotropic posted:

well, yes, i even said that i "obviously need to get over her". i guess i'm really wondering if she is being truthful and i am just not attractive, which i can't really do much about, or she lost the attraction because we weren't compatible, something i did, or whatever, which i can work on.

anyway i've concluded there's no easy answer, and since the relationship is over, it doesn't really matter. i just need to move on and somehow work on my insecurity (which is much easier said than done).

It doesn't matter if she's being truthful. Without her words, check out her actions. You have been dumped, you can conclude she doesn't want to date you. Sometimes relationships are built on infatuation, and infatuation fades away. There's nothing wrong with you if she got bored, you're just not her type. Move on.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


rio posted:

Not joking - do you have a normal I.e. not tiny penis?

And yes therapists are very different than any kind of doctor. It is seriously worth checking out.

hah, she was satisfied sexually. probably the only reason she came back at all. i'm a fairly average 6 inches. the lesbian told me i was huge, but i could hardly trust her. i don't think that's that important.

Darude - Adam Sandstorm posted:

Unless you show us pictures of you how are we going to know if you're attractive.

Aside form you being a whiny codependent sad sack goon, how would we know!

i don't care if you goons with infamously high standards find me attractive--it's whether she was ever attracted to me in the first place. but like i said, i'll never know, and dwelling is pointless. i suspect she was, based on her behavior early on in the relationship, she denies it. it's like rashomon.

Spiffy!
Jul 15, 2007

I, Woodpecker.

You can override the need to feel attracted to someone if you're horny/lonely enough. Wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

redreader
Nov 2, 2009

I am the coolest person ever with my pirate chalice. Seriously.


If it's as you say, then yeah she was attracted to you, but isn't any more and is either lying or believes that her feelings now are what her feelings used to be. Deal with it. She was attracted and now she's not. Don't carry on asking her or trying to get her to say anything different. Just move on. She might be trying to hurt you, or one of any other of a million things might be going on. It's hard but just move on.

rio
Mar 20, 2008



Isotropic posted:

hah, she was satisfied sexually. probably the only reason she came back at all. i'm a fairly average 6 inches. the lesbian told me i was huge, but i could hardly trust her. i don't think that's that important.


i don't care if you goons with infamously high standards find me attractive--it's whether she was ever attracted to me in the first place. but like i said, i'll never know, and dwelling is pointless. i suspect she was, based on her behavior early on in the relationship, she denies it. it's like rashomon.

That's fine, just wondering because it wouldn't be the first time there was initial attraction but then it gets to be time for sex and all blazing 3 and a half inches causes the girl to not feel attracted anymore.

People in e/n have actually been pretty good about objectively judging looks. Some pretty normal looking dudes have posted pictures and other than calling out some glaring clothing choices or something no one is usually not truthful about judging looks like they can be in other sub forums.

But anyway, back to the issue, it is very possible that she either didn't find you attractive from the start or she lost the attraction and just doesn't remember the initial attraction enough to have it in her mind. Or she is just being mean - this is not the first time someone breaking up with someone else said "I never found you attractive", "I never liked you" etc. the lack of confidence might play into it since that has so much to do with how others perceive us. You can be a solid looking dude and be really insecure and have it ooze out of your pores and will easily get into your thirties as a virgin. And if you get into a relationship and that insecurity comes out more and more through your time together then sure, that could transfer over to someone not finding you attractive anymore or just being mean and saying they never found you attractive.

It doesn't matter at this point - it doesn't matter what she thinks but this is a chance to work on your poo poo to 1) feel better as a person and 2) get yourself set for the next relationship. The priority should be 1 and 2 will work itself out. Therapy will definitely help if you do the work and find a therapist that isn't poo poo - it is a really common issue and therapists deal with it all the time.

Thin Privilege
Jul 8, 2009

Hang in there!



Gravy Boat 2k

Can't you please use capitalization? It's seriously annoying.


Content: stop dwelling on it, it's over, move on.

Tony Montana
Aug 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless


You sound up yourself. You're not all that. Actually based on what you said, you're not anything at all. Unless you're pulling down 200k as a senior developer you're not that smart.

That's the problem here. You think you're more than you are. You're not.

Work to make yourself better. Look better. Speak better. Know better poo poo. Understand this is how you earn the time of good looking women and others of value.

Nothing you have done to this point counts. The way I know this is because you told me, you've got a history of people getting sick of you.

Keep striving everyday and you may become worth hanging around. Or not, you can retreat into increasingly obscure Internet communities and ideas until you no longer have any meaningful ties to reality.

Ytlaya
Nov 13, 2005


This reminds me of this girl I briefly dated in college, except flipped around. I thought she was kind of attractive and started talking to her which ended up leading to hooking up. Then after a couple weeks I suddenly realized "Wait a second, I'm not really into this girl. She really likes me a lot though and this isn't going to end well if I let things go further" so I broke up with her. I'm not sure why I didn't realize I wasn't that into her from the beginning, but for whatever reason it just randomly occurred to me after a couple weeks (I think because I started to get cold feet at the fact that it would only get more and more difficult to end things the longer I waited).

I obviously didn't tell her it was because I stopped finding her attractive though, because lol wtf. I just said "sorry, I'm not really feeling it" and she was sad but dealt with it really well.

Isotropic posted:

hell, i worshipped her.

Most people don't like this and can tell you feel this way even if you don't make it explicit.

Turtle Blogger
Mar 16, 2006

My Angel



If you have emotional intelligence, muscular strength, are below 20% body fat, have an income, interests, skills, and friends it's pretty easy to be attractive to others. If you're missing any of these things, take the steps towards getting them. I had almost none of these 10 years ago and I got most/all of them now and the difference in confidence and dating is huge. Just become more attractive. Part of that is not being needy.

SpaceGoatFarts
Jan 5, 2010

sic transit gloria mundi


Do you find yourself attractive OP?

Das Boo
Jun 9, 2011

There was a GHOST here. It's gone now.


Being clingy and needy in an open relationship is some baaad forecasting, OP.

SpaceGoatFarts
Jan 5, 2010

sic transit gloria mundi


Das Boo posted:

Being clingy and needy in an open relationship is some baaad forecasting, OP.

Pretty sure OP accepted the open relationship only because he was so desperate for one in the first place

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


Isotropic posted:

so, how should i take this?

The same way everyone takes getting dumped. Find something else to do or think about. How are finding out that she's saying these things? If its texts or facebook or something, block her. If it's her friends, stop talking to her friends. If it's your friends, politely tell them you don't want to hear about her anymore.

Isotropic posted:

does it even matter?

no

Isotropic posted:

am i just dwelling for no reason?

You're dwelling because you have low self-esteem. People with normal self esteem would look at your ex's behavior and think "drat, it's a good thing i'm not dating this crazy bitch anymore". It's just her lashing out because she's angry/frustrated/whatever/who cares/doesn't matter, but since your brain is always telling you those same things she's saying, they feel like truth and it's harder for you to ignore. Do you think your self-esteem issues could cause some negative consequences in the future? If so, consider finding a therapist to talk things out.


Isotropic posted:

i just find it very odd that we had such different perspectives on our relationship (which she says was just a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement). i knew we weren't exclusive, and both slept with other people in the few months I left the state (that girl dumped me too, says she's only seeing women now. i believe her, so it's no big deal, and besides we're now separated by a continent). but i still feel like, at some point at least, we were more serious than that.

How much of this "we were more serious than that" was actually discussed between you and agreed upon, and how much was unspoken aka her squeezing you extra hard during a hug and you assuming you're in a committed relationship because of it?

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008


You could do what I did the first time I had a horrible experience being dumped, which is eventually get over it and not give a single gently caress the next time you're dumped because you've had worse

It's a good learning experience I suppose

Enfys
Feb 17, 2013

A yak is born

You know the thing you're doing in this thread where you keep repeating you just want to know if she was ever attracted to you or not and you are asking goons for reassurance they cannot truthfully provide on a situation based mainly on your own insecure navel-gazing? That's the kind of thing insecure people do that exhausts others.

See also:

Isotropic posted:

it's just frustrating because i'm sure it will be years before i meet someone i can get along with


Isotropic posted:

guess it'll be another 5 years before i meet someone who's interested in me--until they're not.

You can't write a post without it being peppered with all kinds of insecurity and self-loathing. It's exhausting when you have to constantly provide a sense of self-esteem to another person just to balance out their constant self-loathing. Insecure, clingy people become a chore and start to feel like an endless pit where you have to keep dumping your time and energy just to stay in the exact same place.

OP you'll never be able to get enough external validation to make up for the lack of self-validation. You always need more, and eventually people burn out.

Read this sentence again and look at what you actually say:

Isotropic posted:

self-loathing and a lack of confidence don't really affect the other person, other than maybe making you not fun to be around.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't fun to be around?

Insecurity kills attraction, and even the way you talk about yourself in just this small handful of posts is a giant screaming siren of insecurity.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


Thin Privilege posted:

Can't you please use capitalization? It's seriously annoying.


Content: stop dwelling on it, it's over, move on.

Sure.

Tony Montana posted:

You sound up yourself. You're not all that. Actually based on what you said, you're not anything at all. Unless you're pulling down 200k as a senior developer you're not that smart.

That's the problem here. You think you're more than you are. You're not.

Work to make yourself better. Look better. Speak better. Know better poo poo. Understand this is how you earn the time of good looking women and others of value.

Nothing you have done to this point counts. The way I know this is because you told me, you've got a history of people getting sick of you.

Keep striving everyday and you may become worth hanging around. Or not, you can retreat into increasingly obscure Internet communities and ideas until you no longer have any meaningful ties to reality.

I'm not that up myself. I'm very narcissistic, but don't actually like myself much at all. Hence the insecurity. I was listing positive attributes to demonstrate that, despite believing all that stuff, I still can't get over my self-loathing and inferiority complex. But why say I'm nothing at all? I've got a few mental hang ups, but (aside from a recent setback that I hope to pull myself out of soon), I have a few accomplishments under my belt, and positive qualities. I do have a history of people getting sick of me, you're right on there. I'm very hit and miss in social situations and inexperienced when it comes to intimate relations. Not to mention that narcissism thing. The now-lesbian I mentioned earlier told me I was "not generous with my affection," which sounds apt, though I don't fully know what it means.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


Ytlaya posted:

This reminds me of this girl I briefly dated in college, except flipped around. I thought she was kind of attractive and started talking to her which ended up leading to hooking up. Then after a couple weeks I suddenly realized "Wait a second, I'm not really into this girl. She really likes me a lot though and this isn't going to end well if I let things go further" so I broke up with her. I'm not sure why I didn't realize I wasn't that into her from the beginning, but for whatever reason it just randomly occurred to me after a couple weeks (I think because I started to get cold feet at the fact that it would only get more and more difficult to end things the longer I waited).

I obviously didn't tell her it was because I stopped finding her attractive though, because lol wtf. I just said "sorry, I'm not really feeling it" and she was sad but dealt with it really well.


Most people don't like this and can tell you feel this way even if you don't make it explicit.

This sounds like what probably happened.

Spiffy! posted:

You can override the need to feel attracted to someone if you're horny/lonely enough. Wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

Also likely.

SpaceGoatFarts posted:

Do you find yourself attractive OP?

Yes, sometimes when I'm not feeling too down on myself. That lesbian-turned-straight said I was conventionally attractive once, and this was after we broke things off. She has odd tastes tho (and so do I). She got sick of me too, and has cut off all contact. There's a pattern there, isn't there?

little munchkin posted:

The same way everyone takes getting dumped. Find something else to do or think about. How are finding out that she's saying these things? If its texts or facebook or something, block her. If it's her friends, stop talking to her friends. If it's your friends, politely tell them you don't want to hear about her anymore.


no


You're dwelling because you have low self-esteem. People with normal self esteem would look at your ex's behavior and think "drat, it's a good thing i'm not dating this crazy bitch anymore". It's just her lashing out because she's angry/frustrated/whatever/who cares/doesn't matter, but since your brain is always telling you those same things she's saying, they feel like truth and it's harder for you to ignore. Do you think your self-esteem issues could cause some negative consequences in the future? If so, consider finding a therapist to talk things out.


How much of this "we were more serious than that" was actually discussed between you and agreed upon, and how much was unspoken aka her squeezing you extra hard during a hug and you assuming you're in a committed relationship because of it?

We never talked about it. We just enjoyed each other's company a lot and I felt there was a chemistry there. Like I said, there were times we couldn't keep off of each other. I realize now that doesn't necessarily indicate a serious relationship. But without mutual attraction, how would we even get to that point?

By the way, she wasn't being mean. I don't think she's capable of being mean, and certainly don't think she's crazy. Thus my confusion. She was letting me off pretty gently after I asked why she suddenly ended things, explaining that she liked me as a friend but was never that attracted to me, etc.


Enfys posted:

You know the thing you're doing in this thread where you keep repeating you just want to know if she was ever attracted to you or not and you are asking goons for reassurance they cannot truthfully provide on a situation based mainly on your own insecure navel-gazing? That's the kind of thing insecure people do that exhausts others.

See also:



You can't write a post without it being peppered with all kinds of insecurity and self-loathing. It's exhausting when you have to constantly provide a sense of self-esteem to another person just to balance out their constant self-loathing. Insecure, clingy people become a chore and start to feel like an endless pit where you have to keep dumping your time and energy just to stay in the exact same place.

OP you'll never be able to get enough external validation to make up for the lack of self-validation. You always need more, and eventually people burn out.

Read this sentence again and look at what you actually say:


Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't fun to be around?

Insecurity kills attraction, and even the way you talk about yourself in just this small handful of posts is a giant screaming siren of insecurity.

Yes, this is the reason people get sick of me. When I get close enough to someone I start admitting how much I hate myself. Only a few equally depressed seem to be able to handle that. I don't know how to work on insecurity. Not having many friends and very few romantic partners who inevitably get sick of me hardly helps.


SpaceGoatFarts posted:

Pretty sure OP accepted the open relationship only because he was so desperate for one in the first place
Not true--I was moving across the country and we both agreed that a long distance relationship wouldn't be mutually satisfactory. As far as I know we were exclusive when we had physical access to one another.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


Isotropic posted:

We never talked about it. We just enjoyed each other's company a lot and I felt there was a chemistry there.

ok

Isotropic posted:

I don't think she's capable of being mean

lol what on earth

You made a lot of wild assumptions based on the fact that this woman willingly touched your dick. Next time you want a serious relationship with someone, you should use your words to make sure you're on the same page. Otherwise you'll end up hurt again.

Try to cheer up a bit. You learned a valuable lesson here, and also you got to cum a bunch of times. Seems like things are going pretty well for you.

Isotropic
Jan 6, 2013


little munchkin posted:


Try to cheer up a bit. You learned a valuable lesson here, and also you got to cum a bunch of times. Seems like things are going pretty well for you.

I don't feel like things are going well for me. Yes I got to have sex with someone I was into for a couple months, but that's over now, and not only have the feelings of complete and utter loneliness come rushing back, but I'm also wondering if my time with her was just fluke--she was bored and I happened to be around. Thats not at all good for my self-esteem. I've never had a serious, long lasting relationship in my life, and I'm beginning to doubt if I'm even capable of one. It's an all around depressing situation. Plus, I really liked this girl, which makes it hurt all the more. My east coast fling was a lot more casual and I didn't really mind when she decided to stop dating men (aside from the sexual frustration, but I've got an embarrassing amount of experience there), but it really feels lovely when someone you like and you think likes you admits that that was never the case.

I guess this is really just a vent thread. I can't imagine any advice pulling me out the rut I've found myself in. Time might do the trick.

bkerlee
Aug 3, 2006

Slimy and gross.


Therapy. You can't rely on others to tell you you're okay, you have to be okay with yourself, alone.

Thin Privilege
Jul 8, 2009

Hang in there!



Gravy Boat 2k

Enfys posted:

You know the thing you're doing in this thread where you keep repeating you just want to know if she was ever attracted to you or not and you are asking goons for reassurance they cannot truthfully provide on a situation based mainly on your own insecure navel-gazing? That's the kind of thing insecure people do that exhausts others.

See also:



You can't write a post without it being peppered with all kinds of insecurity and self-loathing. It's exhausting when you have to constantly provide a sense of self-esteem to another person just to balance out their constant self-loathing. Insecure, clingy people become a chore and start to feel like an endless pit where you have to keep dumping your time and energy just to stay in the exact same place.

OP you'll never be able to get enough external validation to make up for the lack of self-validation. You always need more, and eventually people burn out.

Read this sentence again and look at what you actually say:


Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't fun to be around?

Insecurity kills attraction, and even the way you talk about yourself in just this small handful of posts is a giant screaming siren of insecurity.

I dunno if your post is gonna help the op or not but it for sure helped me because I know I can be super insecure so I'm going to try and stop doing that. Definitely made me think and evaluate myself and my behaviors. Pretty sure I've said this before but you always have good posts and advice and you are cool and good.

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Who Is Paul Blart
Oct 22, 2010


Never bother another woman again OP. Also cut off your dick and balls.

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