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bend
Dec 31, 2012


So anyway, the other day my partner had an anxiety attack, about a week ago now. The reason apparently being that sheíd decided I was unhappy and wanted to leave her (I am unhappy, but I want to stay with her more than I want to leave her. I think anyway? Thatís kinda the point of this I guess). A week before that a woman I care deeply for came back into my life, in the decade or so since Iíve been with my partner Iíve only seen her at funerals, but then I ran into her at work and all of a sudden weíre going out for coffee and texting. She was a very good friend during some extremely difficult points in my life (year 12, a baby and other difficulties) and although she wanted more (over a decade ago) she was understanding about me not being in that place then as much as I wished I could be.

Sorry Iím rambling, this is about my current relationship, not one I chose to forgo a long time ago, I guess catching up with her put me more off balance than I thought. My partner and I havenít meshed well for a while now and Iíve been working on getting that back and trying to get her to work on us but it just seems to get worse. Iíve had my own issues over the years (joblessness and a tendency towards depression and substance abuse. One may be a result of the other but Iím not sure which direction that goes) and so has she but itís always felt like I gave her more than I had to give and never quite got what I needed back except in one very particular instance.

All this to say that sheís half right, I am unhappy. I donít want to leave though, but Iím not sure what Iím staying for right now? I want her to be happy though and Iím not sure what she wants.
Iím not trying to decide between the woman I could have had and the woman I do, Iím trying to decide whether I can continue trying to be happy in an damaged relationship where my effort hasnít been reciprocated in a lot of instances, or whetherÖ hosed if I know, suffice to say Iím hosed I guess.

Advice, general name calling and beatings welcome in any case.

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false flag post-op
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

Sunk cost fallacy.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


You say you don't want to leave, but at the same time, you're unhappy and trying to reconnect with an old flame. So either you're lying to yourself about wanting to stay, or you just like stirring up drama.

bend posted:

All this to say that she’s half right, I am unhappy. I don’t want to leave though, but I’m not sure what I’m staying for right now? I want her to be happy though and I’m not sure what she wants.
I’m not trying to decide between the woman I could have had and the woman I do, I’m trying to decide whether I can continue trying to be happy in an damaged relationship where my effort hasn’t been reciprocated in a lot of instances, or whether… hosed if I know, suffice to say I’m hosed I guess.

I think you have a pretty mature take on this. This new woman isn't a solution to your relationship problems, she's her own separate thing and you know it. Weigh out the pros/cons of getting out of your current relationship, and act accordingly. It sounds like the relationship needs to end, but you also mention the substance/depression issues so make sure you're unhappy about the relationship and not about yourself.

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010



bend posted:

but then I ran into her at work and all of a sudden weíre going out for coffee and texting.

I like this extreme use of passive voice to rid yourself of all blame for your actions. You texted her, you agreed to coffee, it didn't just happen "all of a sudden."

Shadowlz
Oct 3, 2011

Oh it's gonna happen one way or the other, pal.





Happens to me all the time. One moment I'm talking to a girl then, all of a sudden, we are loving in a hotel room. Crazy right?

Doctor Malaver
May 23, 2007
The day before that I was wed - she went upstairs and she cut her head away. I' amazed!

Can someone tl;dr that mess for me?

meat police
Nov 14, 2015



Doctor Malaver posted:

Can someone tl;dr that mess for me?

Unlikable person debates on cheating on their SO without just coming out and saying it.

bend
Dec 31, 2012


Well I did say beatings welcome, I guess.

Shadowlz posted:

Happens to me all the time. One moment I'm talking to a girl then, all of a sudden, we are loving in a hotel room. Crazy right?

does that cost a lot in hotel rooms or is it included in their fee?.

Sorry, prickish thing to say. In any case If i was planning to cheat or wanted too I wouldn't be going on about it here.
I suppose the use of a "passive voice" must make it feel like that to some people, but suddenly means just that. Yes I agreed to go out to coffee, because before that we'd barely seen each other in a decade, just two funerals. It felt very sudden. I guess I included the bit about her because it felt important, it's just that between seeing her again and my partners anxiety attack I've really been struggling quite a bit with where I am in this relationship and whether or not I'm hurting myself and my partner by staying. Hell seeing anyone again I guess, I withdrew from a lot of friendships (male and female ) over the years because my partner didn't approve of them.

Anyway, I'm not debating on cheating on my partner. I'm debating leaving her because I'm not sure whether I'm even coming close to being what she wants anymore, and because I'm unhappy with both myself and the direction our relationship has taken over the last few years. My partner suffers from arthritis and other issues to the point of being on disability payments the last several years, and needing me as a carer during that time but in the period since then has finally managed to sort out her medication regime to the point she can go back to work. Now she's lost a lot of interest in the relationship or it feels that way to me in any case, and she wasn't particularly supportive of me in any case to begin with. I've heard "I don't want to hear about that anymore" or some variation of it in relation to how I feel about something a few too many times, usually when I tried to get it through to her that helping her was significantly more important to me than worrying about my own bullshit. I may have some depression and substance abuse issues but they're reasonably well managed, or at least well managed enough they don't really affect day to day functioning or invite comment from anyone.

I don't quite know what to do anymore about my issues with our relationship, and every time it comes up I'm told that they're not really issues. That or they're somehow my fault and can only be fixed by just agreeing with her, and yet somehow her issues always require my support and effort to solve and if I disagree with something well that's my problem isn't it. Sorry that last bit's a mess, I guess the whole thing is anyway though. I guess I just wanted some outside input on whether it seems like something that can be salvaged, because I can't figure it out myself.

Thin Privilege
Jul 8, 2009

Hang in there!



Gravy Boat 2k

Did you ever sit down and talk to her about your feelings or are you just bottling it up?

bend
Dec 31, 2012


Thin Privilege posted:

Did you ever sit down and talk to her about your feelings or are you just bottling it up?

Some of both, I used to try more than I do now. It just feels useless more often than not, even when I do manage to get it through to her the attempts to work on things only last until she thinks I've forgotten about it, or gotten over it. At least that's the way it feels to me quite often, things always seem to migrate back to the way they were, even when I do get her to work with me and try and make a change.

I guess it's probably that she's happy that way, or maybe just that she feels the changes aren't worth the effort? I don't loving know. I do know that she tends to blame my problems on things external to the relationship (work, money etc), but our problems on me a lot of the time. Disagreements tend to be characterised by me eventually giving up, because there's no way I can get her to compromise or consider my view point a lot of the time.

All that said, I do still love her, I'm just not sure whether I can make both of us happy. It seems like I've been sacrificing my happiness a lot of the time, possibly more than I should, to make her happy or just to take care of her. I don't think that I can continue doing that, but I'm not sure where to go from there. I've let the relationship get to this point I guess, and probably should have worked harder at it, but that can be difficult at times. I don't want to make her unhappy for the sake of my own happiness, especially when I'm not at all sure what will make me happy at this point.

Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.


Dinosaur Gum

bend posted:

Hell seeing anyone again I guess, I withdrew from a lot of friendships (male and female ) over the years because my partner didn't approve of them.


BigFactory
Sep 17, 2002



OP, you sound totally obnoxious and up your own rear end. I bet your partner feels the same about you as you do about her.

bend
Dec 31, 2012



Yeah, I Know. On the other hand a lot of my friends are not exactly what you'd call respectable types. I can understand not wanting that around, even if I disagree. This has got better over the last year or so though, I think she realised that I'm not completely antisocial, it's just difficult to maintain my friendships if she's constantly being judgemental about them, and making it difficult to spend time with them.

BigFactory posted:

OP, you sound totally obnoxious and up your own rear end. I bet your partner feels the same about you as you do about her.

Not to be obnoxious but how so, exactly? I mean I know I'm a stinkyhole, but I thought I was doing a reasonably good job of passing for someone looking for advice or even just a sounding board. Not just the fuckup that I actually am. Maybe I'm obnoxiously looking for advice?

false flag post-op posted:

Sunk cost fallacy.

Not completely sure I agree, but I can see your point. Maybe it's just that I don't want everything to be lost, or my fault or whatever though.

A White Guy
Dec 19, 2012

Never fear!
Japan is here!


gently caress your old flame from your partner. Make a move, any move because the current course you're treading has you posting on an internet comedy forum about psyching yourself up to cheat on your chronically jobless girlfriend.

bend
Dec 31, 2012


A White Guy posted:

gently caress your old flame from your partner. Make a move, any move because the current course you're treading has you posting on an internet comedy forum about psyching yourself up to cheat on your chronically jobless girlfriend.

You lack reading comprehension mate. I'm posting on an internet comedy forum about deciding whether or not to leave my fiance, who's recently returned to employment after a long break due to disability. She has a a seven year contract, everything else notwithstanding I really am quite proud of her.

Do try to pay attention.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

Four Brain Food Lunches and a Coke. ...and some dry white toast.



bend posted:

You lack reading comprehension mate. I'm posting on an internet comedy forum about deciding whether or not to leave my fiance, who's recently returned to employment after a long break due to disability. She has a a seven year contract, everything else notwithstanding I really am quite proud of her.

Do try to pay attention.

Are you this patronizing to your fiance? No wonder she thinks you want out. Well, y'know, that and the whole "going out for coffee with an old flame and being evasive about it" thing, which is textbook "someone wants out" behavior.

You said you're not happy, so don't be a chickenshit; own up to it and leave.

BigFactory
Sep 17, 2002



bend posted:

Yeah, I Know. On the other hand a lot of my friends are not exactly what you'd call respectable types. I can understand not wanting that around, even if I disagree. This has got better over the last year or so though, I think she realised that I'm not completely antisocial, it's just difficult to maintain my friendships if she's constantly being judgemental about them, and making it difficult to spend time with them.


Not to be obnoxious but how so, exactly? I mean I know I'm a stinkyhole, but I thought I was doing a reasonably good job of passing for someone looking for advice or even just a sounding board. Not just the fuckup that I actually am. Maybe I'm obnoxiously looking for advice?
You ooze hostility and a particularly obnoxious brand of self satisfaction with your personal flaws.

bend
Dec 31, 2012


Antivehicular posted:

Are you this patronizing to your fiance? No wonder she thinks you want out. Well, y'know, that and the whole "going out for coffee with an old flame and being evasive about it" thing, which is textbook "someone wants out" behavior.

You said you're not happy, so don't be a chickenshit; own up to it and leave.

Who said anything about being evasive about it? she knew exactly where I was and who I was with. I'm not generally that patronising to anyone either, I guess A white guy just pissed me off. Sorry it's not the easiest topic I guess.

If I thought leaving would make things better then I already would have, that's why I'm here. I'm not honestly sure if I'm unhappy with her or myself or just the current situation I'm/we're in, and whether or not any of those are things I can change. Hoping for some perspective I guess, even if that perspective comes down to I'm completely hosed whatever I do.

BigFactory posted:

You ooze hostility and a particularly obnoxious brand of self satisfaction with your personal flaws.

I don't ooze anything mate, the medication cleared that right up.

Exactly what do you mean self satisfaction with my personal flaws though? I'm no more happy with myself than I am about anything else. I'm fully aware that I'm arrogant, quick tempered, moody etc. That isn't the same as thinking that any of those behaviours are good, or not working to either stop the behaviours or at least keep them moderately under control though.

cailleask
May 6, 2007



If you really, truly want to try to save your relationship, go to couples counseling like yesterday. You guys clearly have communication issues if nothing else.

Otherwise sever, because you sound pretty tepid about your fiance honestly.

rio
Mar 20, 2008



What are you wondering, if the internet can make up your mind for you about leaving your girlfriend?

Also can you explain how your old friends not "respectable types"? Are they heroin dealers or something?

BigFactory
Sep 17, 2002



bend posted:


I don't ooze anything mate, the medication cleared that right up.

Exactly what do you mean self satisfaction with my personal flaws though? I'm no more happy with myself than I am about anything else. I'm fully aware that I'm arrogant, quick tempered, moody etc. That isn't the same as thinking that any of those behaviours are good, or not working to either stop the behaviours or at least keep them moderately under control though.

Keep doing what you're doing then, sounds like you've got it all figured out.

bend
Dec 31, 2012


rio posted:

What are you wondering, if the internet can make up your mind for you about leaving your girlfriend?

Also can you explain how your old friends not "respectable types"? Are they heroin dealers or something?

Not heroin but dealers yes, and b&e artists, criminals etc. I'm not wondering if the internet can make up my mind for me no, I'm trying to figure out if the problems are me, her or us, and whether or not they really are insurmountable. Getting some sort of view point that isn't just the inside of my own head is part of that, even if it is from an internet comedy forum.

In any case the consensus appears to be that I'm an overwhelmingly hostile, patronising arsehole so it's quite likely the problems lie with me.

Who Is Paul Blart
Oct 22, 2010


Kill both women then yourself you piece of poo poo OP

rio
Mar 20, 2008



Drug dealers are great though and having friends who are consistent weed etc. hookups is a win win. Dump this girl and start hanging with your drug haver friends again.

epenthesis
Jan 12, 2008

I'M TAKIN' YOU PUNKS DOWN!

If you thought the right answer could possibly be "stay with her," you would be having this conversation with her right now, or maybe with a trusted friend. That's how people in healthy relationships handle surmountable rough patches.

You are asking strangers in E/N because you know people here will tell you what you really want to hear, that you should leave her.

E: dammit, I forgot to check the last post date again

Imaduck
Apr 16, 2007

the magnetorotational instability turns me on


You've got a lot of issues to unpack and you really just need to sit down with a neutral party and talk it out. This is a big decision, so loving invest some time in it instead of continuing this worthless spiral of non-committal meandering because you don't want to make a decision.

But if you want advice, it sounds like you're really unhappy with the relationship. There is zero indication it is going to get better, and good reason to think that it's going to get worse. Given this, you have three options:
1. now so you and your partner can move on with your lives and quickly as possible without burning more time being miserable.
2. Drag poo poo out for another couple of years, ultimately break up, and then regret not taking option 1 earlier.
3. Stay together and be miserably unhappy for the rest of your life. Oh, and she'll probably leave your rear end anyway because your misery will make her miserable too.

If you really think there's something in this relationship that's worth option 3 (and so far you've presented absolutely nothing to show this relationship is worth anything), then I guess you can do that. But most people in your situation will finally hit their breaking point and come to option 2. "Love" is not a good enough reason to stay together. Lots of loving relationships end. Loving someone and having your life be miserable in every other way is not sustainable.

You should admit to what you actually want and just go with option 1. It's gonna suck in the short term, but honestly, if you're really this miserable, then after the breakup I think you're going to realize pretty quickly that it was the right move.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009



Four coffees and a funeral

bend
Dec 31, 2012


epenthesis posted:

If you thought the right answer could possibly be "stay with her," you would be having this conversation with her right now, or maybe with a trusted friend. That's how people in healthy relationships handle surmountable rough patches.

You are asking strangers in E/N because you know people here will tell you what you really want to hear, that you should leave her.

E: dammit, I forgot to check the last post date again

I am having this conversation with her, gently caress only knows where it's going though.

Imaduck posted:


You've got a lot of issues to unpack and you really just need to sit down with a neutral party and talk it out. This is a big decision, so loving invest some time in it instead of continuing this worthless spiral of non-committal meandering because you don't want to make a decision.

But if you want advice, it sounds like you're really unhappy with the relationship. There is zero indication it is going to get better, and good reason to think that it's going to get worse. Given this, you have three options:
1. now so you and your partner can move on with your lives and quickly as possible without burning more time being miserable.
2. Drag poo poo out for another couple of years, ultimately break up, and then regret not taking option 1 earlier.
3. Stay together and be miserably unhappy for the rest of your life. Oh, and she'll probably leave your rear end anyway because your misery will make her miserable too.

If you really think there's something in this relationship that's worth option 3 (and so far you've presented absolutely nothing to show this relationship is worth anything), then I guess you can do that. But most people in your situation will finally hit their breaking point and come to option 2. "Love" is not a good enough reason to stay together. Lots of loving relationships end. Loving someone and having your life be miserable in every other way is not sustainable.

You should admit to what you actually want and just go with option 1. It's gonna suck in the short term, but honestly, if you're really this miserable, then after the breakup I think you're going to realize pretty quickly that it was the right move.

Never really figured out the therapy thing, gave up eventually after more than a couple of tries. Just don't know anymore what I'm loving doing I guess. Maybe I should just gently caress off into the bush somewhere, where I don't have to try and pass as someone capable of being part of the world.

I'm trying to give this the time it deserves and to make the right choice and not just drop out of the world again. She deserves more than I can give her and you're probably right.

Imaduck
Apr 16, 2007

the magnetorotational instability turns me on

I had to try like, 5 different therapists before I found one I liked. Therapists vary a lot of in styles and training, so don't feel like if you've had a few that haven't worked, therapy isn't for you. You clearly have a need for something therapy-like, and these forums are basically a really bad version of that. I'd recommend you try a few more therapists and see if you can find a fit. The type of problems you're dealing with are exactly what therapy is designed to help you with.

Skex
Feb 22, 2012

I JUST CAN'T STOP ARGUING ABOUT CASUAL RACISM!


WampaLord posted:

I like this extreme use of passive voice to rid yourself of all blame for your actions. You texted her, you agreed to coffee, it didn't just happen "all of a sudden."

Best response.

OP, you might find that you are not so unhappy and your relationships less dysfunctional if you actually took some ownership of your choices and recognized your own agency in making them.

The truth is you don't know what the status of your relationship is and whether or not it's recoverable or should be poo poo canned because you are talking to other women and asking for advise on an Internet comedy forum rather than having this particular discussion with the person you should be having it with.

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Blitter
Mar 16, 2011


Edit: Whoops wrong thread.

Blitter fucked around with this message at May 7, 2017 around 22:07

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