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I read e/n alot and thus get a lot of stories of abuse from thestories of victims. I've tried to google this before but while I've found a few things that talk about the minds of abusers but it's more in the context of red flags to keep an eye out for. As a victim of abuse my self I'm very interested in what goes through an abusers mind. Id love to hear from both those who saw their problems and made/are making a change and I'd love to hear from those of you who reject your lable as abusers. Please come in and explain why you were right all along.
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Apr 28, 2017 16:19
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 14:22 |
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Something tells me there won't be any takers.
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Apr 28, 2017 17:11
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Basebf555 posted:Something tells me there won't be any takers.
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Apr 28, 2017 17:17
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I think I was emotionally abusive to my girlfriend when I was 15 years old. I would demand completely absurd things over her; for example, I had a complex about her driving because she was 16 and I didn't have my license yet and I also didn't like when she met with her guy friends (I don't think I ever actually made any demands with regard to the latter, but I'm pretty sure I at least asked her not to do the former). After she finally broke up with me, I would try to guilt her into talking to me. Since this was a long time ago (I'm 31 now) and I was still a kid I don't remember it that clearly, but the biggest thing that comes to mind is that I had extremely volatile emotions and I didn't really know what to do with them. I knew that what I was doing/saying was wrong and wouldn't actually help me in any way, but I didn't have the impulse control to stop myself. I think that my behavior was largely the result of being a teenager, since my emotions abruptly became calm and normal around the age of 20-21.
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Apr 28, 2017 22:29
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I don't believe that I've ever been abusive in a relationship, but I definitely was a pretty massive rear end in a top hat and bully throughout middle and some of high school. I managed to get at least one kid to transfer schools, once had someone's mother drive after me yelling while I walked home, and probably I'm pretty culpable in causing an apparently severe depressive episode and social anxiety in a classmate that more or less ruined his life. I'd say that everything I did stemmed from self image and self worth issues. I don't think that I'm a very likable person, and I have had a lot of difficulty with feeling as though I ever fit in with other people since I was in at least grade school. I guess by bringing other people down I was giving myself a sense of superiority and security. If someone else was getting the brunt of the insults that meant that people weren't looking at me, and it made me feel better about my own insecurities. I was also pretty desperately afraid of not fitting in, and isolating someone else gave me an in with my classmates. I really mellowed out starting around when I turned 17, probably because I started really internalizing my problems instead of taking them out on other people. I regret pretty much everything that I did to other kids throughout school. I had a pretty bad reaction when I met someone a few years ago who had joined me in bullying, and who was still gloating about ruining someone's life. I had a pretty brief few days after that, in part because I wondered if anyone I had bullied still remembered me because of it. Overall, I would recommend not being an rear end in a top hat. turn off the TV fucked around with this message at 00:40 on Apr 29, 2017 |
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Apr 29, 2017 00:38
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I just want to thank you two for sharing. I'm sure it's not easy to put your self out there especially now when you look back and regret those actions. I'm not interested in railing against people or anything here I'm just interested in learning about the mindset.
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Apr 29, 2017 01:35
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Good thread idea. Here's a long article that may interest you - interviews of men who beat their partners, they have barely any ideas why they do it themselves other than feeling like they "have to" https://beta.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/growing-efforts-to-rehabilitate-men-who-hit/article22720276
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Apr 29, 2017 11:55
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You're looking for a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is a therapist for abusive men, and the whole book is about uhh why they do that.
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Apr 30, 2017 05:24
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i like nice words
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turn off the TV posted:I don't believe that I've ever been abusive in a relationship, but I definitely was a pretty massive rear end in a top hat and bully throughout middle and some of high school. Basically exactly this. I was insecure, hated myself and was bullied in the past. Pushing someone else to a lower rung on the totem pole is a survival mechanism to make sure that I was not the one there. As others, I became a much better person after high school. Maybe unpopular, but I don't feel particularly guilty about it. Sure if I could choose retroactively I would rather I didn't do it, but I was a kid. Children and early teens are barely sapient. In return I don't feel particular hatred for the people who bullied me; I know they were in similar lovely situations (and more than one now in jail).
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Apr 30, 2017 10:05
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I've been abusive. It was linked to PTSD, neglect as a child and massive alcohol/hard drug abuse. I'd have massive psychotic breaks where I hallucinated that my girlfriend was my father when I was a child, and I'd hit her in perceived self-defense. Also, the regular alcoholic deadbeat stuff: gaslighting her by telling her her experiences weren't right because SHE was crazy, refusing to accept that my behaviour was destructive or deceitful because I couldn't bear looking at myself. I'm happy to say that I have reformed completely after I got clean off drugs and alcohol, and my victim seems to have forgiven me, though I sometimes wonder why. I don't know exactly what I can help you with, but I'll be happy to try.
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May 7, 2017 17:23
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Anne Whateley posted:You're looking for a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is a therapist for abusive men, and the whole book is about uhh why they do that. That's a very good book, I highly recommend it. Also a lot of abusers grew up in an abusive family so they think that's the norm and/or have anger/depression/etc issues themselves due to childhood so they take it out on their partners.
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May 7, 2017 19:22
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 14:22 |
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Ytlaya posted:
Yeah, you were 15. That's not really an age where you have the developmental maturity to be in a real relationship in the first place, so I think you are in the clear when it comes to the abuser label. At least just based on that relationship.
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May 17, 2017 20:41
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