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SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



Welcome to an LP series dedicated to Riho Futaba and the Simple 2000 series, you poor bastards.

WHO IS THIS RIHO FUTABA?



Riho almost started a singing career in 2004*, but her main job is being the incidental mascot of the Simple series by D3 Publisher. You know, the series which gave us such classics as Earth Defense Force and... Onēchanbara, and... uh... The Sniper 2, Snowboard Racer 2, Metropolismania 2, Street Boyz, and that's just the poo poo that was localised.

*actually, it's a game soundtrack CD.

RIHO LIVES EVERYWHERE.

Riho has starred in a couple dozen games, but at least half of them are basically poker for the DS or the PS2, and many have never left Japan. That includes:





The title of this one is, apparently, 'Love*Smash! 5.1 ~The Rebellion of Tennis Robo', and it almost made it to Europe.

There's also:



Ew.

#############################################
THE GAMES:

#############################################


Riho's Western appearances are weird and colourful.
We'll start with the game that made Riho famous:

Demolition Girl
/2004.05.20/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 50. THE 大美人 (The Gigantic Beauty)



Wait a minute, I've seen that Euro skyline.



Thanks, 505. Now I want to see Riho in Raw Danger. As the danger.

I messed up the recording resolution, so there's a black border for this one

Video #1: Model Unleashed.

Video #2: Run away!

Next up: smiling in the face of perversity:

Paparazzi
/2004.06.24/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 53. THE カメラ小僧 (The Camera Apprentice)



Something got lost in translation, I fear.

Video #3: Not pizza.

Next up: all dressed up and no cars to throw:

Fitness Fun
/2004.02.26/
Originally Simple 2000 Ultimate Volume 18. ラブ★エアロビ♪ (Love*Aerobic)



Why take a rhythm game about a bikini model workout and make the cover look like it's aimed at women?

Video #4: Deprivation.

Next up: The Club Fight.

Fighting Angels
/2004.06.24/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 55. THE キャットファイト (The Catfight: Woman Cat Legend)



The titles should be swapped between the two cover variants.

Video #5: Riho's favourite pastime!

Next up: Fire Pro Wresting Rejects.

World Fighting
/2003.12.18/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 42 THE 異種格闘技 ボクシングVSキックVS空手VSプロレスVS柔術VS… (The Various Unarmed Fighting Disciplines: Boxing vs Kick vs Karate vs Pro Wrestling vs Jujitsu vs...)



Thank you, 505 Games. That Japanese title is distilled incontinence.

Video #6: Fighting round the world.

Next up: too sexy for PEGI.

Pink Pong
/2003.12.11/
Originally Simple 2000 Ultimate Volume 15 ラブ ピンポン (Love*PingPong)



- Sure, the original cover is fine, but we need to make it sound like it's a porn movie.

Video #7: The worst ping pong.

Next up: wet floor.

Party Girls
/2004.09.30/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 63. もぎたて水着!女まみれのTHE 水泳大会 (Fresh-Picked Swimsuits! The Swim Meet of Covered Woman) [I'm getting these insane translations off Wikipedia.]



No, I'm not showing the PAL cover here, watch the video.

Video #8: Guaranteed fun for all!

Next up: smelly girl.

Zombie Hunters
/2005.06.23/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 80 THE お姉チャンプルゥ 〜THE姉チャン特別編〜 (The Sister Champloo ~The Sister Special Compilation~)



Hey, put Riho back on the cover, you bastards

Video #9: Riho's true age.

Video #10: They did lots of tests on me.

Video #11: The undub patch.

Next up: the best game?

Zombie Hunters 2
/2006.06.29/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 101 THE お姉チャンポン 〜THE姉チャン2特別編〜 (The Sister Mixture ~The Sister 2 Special Edition~) [Same sodding symbols, plus '2'. Why is the translation different?]



I've seen that Aya picture before.

Video #12: Time for a nice, hot shower.

Video #13: Goh the Crow.

Video #14: Soon, it'll be over.

Next up: the Simplest of them all.

All-Star Fighters
/2005.12.15/
Originally Simple 2000 Volume 91. THE ALL★STAR格闘祭 (The All*Star Fighting Festival)



How sweet of the European cover designer to add a character from a never-localised game.

Video #15: Slutty Pikmin.

Video #16: Riho Cubed.

And that was all I've got on Riho Futaba. Let's never talk about it again.

#####################################################

Ramos invites us to take a peek at Riho's fandom





SelenicMartian fucked around with this message at 02:53 on Aug 9, 2017

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Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009






That's called a woman, game.

EDIT: Watched the first mission and what the gently caress?

Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 16:39 on May 22, 2017

fadderman
Feb 3, 2008
dyslectic lurker

Onboard the train wreck for me too

tiistai
Nov 1, 2012

Solo Melodica


I wasn't expecting a kamehameha but sure why not

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010


College Slice

I remember seeing this in an old Tips&Tricks magazine. (Jesus I'm old )

Blaze Dragon
Aug 28, 2013
LOWTAX'S SPINE FUND



I'm not entirely sure what this is, watching the first video quite honestly might've confused me even more, and I'm not sure if my life wouldn't be better if I erased that memory and just ignored this thread entirely.

Needless to say I'm following this instead because I can't ignore such weird trainwrecks.

Angry Lobster
May 16, 2011

Served with honor
and some clarified butter.


Oh, so basically this game is about molesting giant bikini anime waifus with helicopters? Sure, I'm in.

geri_khan
May 16, 2009

Fucking blocks... I'm gonna climb the shit outta you!


How much Narcotics did you shoot into that idol? Are you her manager or something?

Ramos
Jul 3, 2012




Oh come on, you're playing as the helicopter? We don't even get to go and wreck some buildings?

I guess it's time to see how deep the wank hole goes.

inscrutable horse
May 19, 2010

Parsing sage, rotating time





Godspeed, SelenicMartian. You are a pilgrim in an unholy land.

Seraphic Neoman
Jul 19, 2011




Okay, I wanna see where we're going with this.

Alexeythegreat
Apr 18, 2015

I shall devour your soul.


Grimey Drawer

inscrutable horse posted:

Godspeed, SelenicMartian. You are a pilgrim in an unholy land.

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


I have no words.

Mega64
May 23, 2008





Polsy
Mar 23, 2007



Yeah, in the Japanese version the news segments are voiced of course. As is the opening cutscene, which is in-engine animated rather than a series of stills, not really sure why they needed to do that. The Riho voice clip at the start of the first mission starts is actually (Japanese) words instead of something incomprehensible and seemingly pitch-shifted.

The, uhh, pince-nez glasses is sleeping incense, I can't even guess how they got to that from there. I can't match it to anything that makes sense besides that one of the (three) kanji in it looks like one of the kanji in 'glasses'.

So, yeah, lazy localisation, as if anyone needed confirmation.

CommissarMega
Nov 18, 2008


Where the hell do you find these games

YOTC
Nov 17, 2005
Damn stupid newbie

CommissarMega posted:

Where the hell do you find these games

Explosionface
May 30, 2011

We can dance if we want to,
we can leave Marle behind.
'Cause your fiends don't dance,
and if they don't dance,
they'll get a Robo Fist of mine.




This is a beautiful disaster. I have to see more.

Added Space
Jul 13, 2012

Free Markets
Free People

Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!

My mind went to the completely wrong place when I saw that name.

ModEdit: Removed bad link.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Somebody fucked around with this message at 09:08 on May 24, 2017

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Unlimited Groove Works


What the gently caress

Fish Noise
Jul 25, 2012

IT'S ME, BURROWS!

IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, BURROWS!


Malachite_Dragon posted:

What the gently caress
Sorry, I forgot to warn you to brace yourself before opening a SelenicMartian LP.

some plague rats
Jun 5, 2012


Just fyi everyone who posts in this thread is going to prison

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

It's bulbasaur!

You probably should've led off with the more normal games.

Nalesh
Jun 9, 2010

What did the grandma say to the frog?

Something racist, probably.

Malachite_Dragon posted:

What the gently caress

Strap in boyo, yer in for a ride

Added Space posted:

My mind went to the completely wrong place when I saw that name.

Why does that almost always come up when there's a character called futaba.

Nalesh fucked around with this message at 21:16 on May 24, 2017

Kibayasu
Mar 28, 2010



I didn't realize the gigantism/anesthetic/tentacle head/laser eyes fetish was big enough to warrant a video game.

Kangra
May 7, 2012



That's an unforgivable level of inaccuracy in the aircraft.

The Blue Angels are in the US Navy. The US Navy never used the Beagle so you couldn't have that as a color choice.

(You could have said the Wonderbirds, but of course they fly the P16 Malcon, unlike the G18 Cornet of the Navy pilots).

And the Euro cover is arguably a more accurate Seattle skyline than the RAWDANGER one, what with that silly looking water.

Explosionface
May 30, 2011

We can dance if we want to,
we can leave Marle behind.
'Cause your fiends don't dance,
and if they don't dance,
they'll get a Robo Fist of mine.




Kangra posted:

G18 Cornet

Um, excuse me, but I believe you mean the G/B-18 Cornet.

SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



The video is up in 360p but youtube is taking its sweet time with the rest of processing.

Video #2: Run away!

Coolguye
Jul 6, 2011

Required by his programming!


I

GirlCalledBob
Jul 17, 2013


Aliens coming from the space

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


Please don't tell me not to wear a bikini while playing this game. It's a totally normal fetish.

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009





im the jiggle physics

azren
Feb 13, 2011




Well, that was... that was a thing, apparently. Are the others as screwy as this? I can't imagine the poker/tennis stuff to be terribly interesting.

Also, Riho looks too old for what I understand "idol" to imply. The game seems to use "idol" and "model" interchangeably.

SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



azren posted:

I can't imagine the poker/tennis stuff to be terribly interesting.
Many of them are just regular budget games with bikinis. However, Demolition Girl is canon and there will be references to her in a couple of much later games.

Ramos
Jul 3, 2012




SelenicMartian posted:

Many of them are just regular budget games with bikinis. However, Demolition Girl is canon and there will be references to her in a couple of much later games.

I'm glad we have an established lore for Futaba, does it come as part of a multiverse as well?

Coolguye
Jul 6, 2011

Required by his programming!



what

Namtab
Feb 22, 2010


This is the best videogame I've ever seen

E: I feel she should know better than to walk through the buildings, killing thousands in the process

Namtab fucked around with this message at 23:03 on May 24, 2017

Blaze Dragon
Aug 28, 2013
LOWTAX'S SPINE FUND



Namtab posted:

This is the best videogame I've ever seen

E: I feel she should know better than to walk through the buildings, killing thousands in the process

As the last video pointed out, she was very, very high due to the same toxin that made her a giant. I'm not sure she realized those were buildings.

Pvt.Scott
Feb 16, 2007


What is this scintillating offal? The menus and splash screens are delightful.

I Was An Atomic Mutant sounds interesting, but I know I've played similar with much better production values after checking out a YouTube vid for 2 minutes, so I can skip it. excellent presentation, though.

E: I'm using Awful App and I literally fat-fingered my way into this thread while moving my iPad. Serendipitous.

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SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



Recorded some more and, uh...



That's Riho's day job.

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