|
|
All I want is a stiff drink at the end of a long day, but as I enter the bar, two men flank me. The one on my left is wearing a collar. The one on the right, a yarmulke. I sigh. Great. Here we go again. |
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 16:42
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 08:06 |
|
|
All of my t-shirts say "Punchline of a Bad Dad Joke"
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 16:46
|
|
|
|
every time I go on a hike--every drat time--I'm captured by some tribe or other and given an ominous ultimatum. and yet I keep going on these hikes, what's wrong with me?? |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 16:47
|
|
|
|
Me, a detective: Chief, I've got to be honest. I don't know why you're calling me in on a simple jaywalking case. Chief: Shut yer yap, GT, or I'll have your badge! Small crimes lead to big ones! We're gonna put Johnny Feathers away for a long time, but in order to do that...we need to find a motive. That's where you come in. Me: (groans) |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 16:55
|
|
|
Doctor: Well, the x-rays and MRI images come back, there doesn't seem tobe any permanent damage Me: Yeah, I feel like such a klutz sometimes. Doctor: Mind if I ask what happened? Me: I walked head-first. Into a bar. Again. Me and 2 other guys... https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 16:58
|
|
|
|
Those words were cruel and insensitive. Those words ... do have consequences. Words do matter. This is reality. There is no fiction. She's right after all, I am faking it |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:03
|
|
|
|
it's reflexive now, when someone so much as approaches my door I start screaming "SAY BANANA! SAY BANANA MOTHERFUCKER AND I WILL CUT YOU!" |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:05
|
|
|
Light bulb's burned out. I have the light bulb in my hand, the question is though, do I need a hand replacing it? Should I call some friends over? I just don't know! I can't believe I'm letting this light bulb trigger me- maybe I should just light a candle? What if I need help? I could just open the curtains. Maybe I'll do that.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:08
|
|
|
Psychiatrist: Hello, Mr. Smith. I understand you're having some problems stemming from your childhood? Mr. Smith: Yes, I did a lot of things, a lot of BAD things. Psychiatrist: Go on. Mr. Smith: I had a teacher, asked me to use the word "timbuktu" in a sentence. Psychiatrist: I see, and what did you do? Mr. Smith: I said "Me and my friend Tim met some girls." Psychiatrist: Ok... Mr. Smith: Then I said "I bucked one and timbuktu" Psychiatrist: John! That was so BAD! Mr. Smith: See? They called me Bad Johnny then, it still sticks with me! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:16
|
|
|
|
midwife: [holding my lovely newborn body in their hands] christ, what you gonna name this thing? my mom: uh, The Aristocrats
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:41
|
|
|
Day and night, the knocking on my door won't stop. I keep telling them I don't know anyone named Banana.
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:49
|
|
|
There was something about the way she said "You're obviously NOT from Nantucket!" that made me very sad
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 17:56
|
|
|
|
"I'm sorry," says my fellow geneticist, "but we've been working on this project for two years and we still haven't produced a viable embryo. I think it's time to accept that we'll never know what an elephant-rhinoceros hybrid might be." |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 18:12
|
|
|
While the two neighbors continued in a heated debate over what the time happened to be, the elephant continued to sit on the remnants of the fence, completely unperturbed.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 18:25
|
|
|
|
[at the 12th annual meeting of the Southern California coalition of the national pen15 club] me, the president:*sigh* nobodu ever shows up to fhese...
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:05
|
|
|
As long as I can remember, people have asked me that question. Ever since that fateful day it seems as though I'd become a minor celebrity. and why? Because I took a one little journey? One small trek? And yet they continue to ask. Was it not within my rights? Am I not entitled. Why, they say, why? I tell them the same thing every single time. So many times they seem to have lost all meaning. So many times that I've begun to even doubt myself. Maybe it was never actually about getting there are all. Perhaps it was all just a test of my own will. Not to simply exodus from one place to another, but perhaps to take a trip from myself. and so I wonder. and so they ask. and so I answer: "To get to the other side."
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:06
|
|
|
|
I'm starting to doubt my own sanity because so many animals, and even inanimate objects, keep talking to me. It's gotten to the point where I can't even order an rear end from a vending machine without it taking a full minute to dispense, and then when I finally get my product, it says "Sorry, I'm a little behind." Um, did anyone ask you, rear end? No. Let me enjoy my meal in peace. |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:28
|
|
google THIS posted:"I'm sorry," says my fellow geneticist, "but we've been working on this project for two years and we still haven't produced a viable embryo. I think it's time to accept that we'll never know what an elephant-rhinoceros hybrid might be." To be honest it's a rhelefant |
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:40
|
|
|
|
cda posted:To be honest it's a rhelefant came here to post this ---------------- |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:42
|
|
|
|
my grandfather emailed me a joke yesterday about a guy who worked at a pickle factory and wanted to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. he knows he shouldn't do it but can't help himself. finally he puts his dick into the slicer and gets fired for it. anyways, the punch line of the joke was that the pickle slicer wasn't a machine it was a woman who worked at the factory. i know it's not relevant to the thread but it was the first one on the page so i decided to post it here
---------------- |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:44
|
|
|
|
Whenever I need a good laugh I flip through the family scrapbook |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 19:46
|
|
|
|
My biography is a bunch of cheesy greeting cards taped together. |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 20:39
|
|
little munchkin posted:my grandfather emailed me a joke yesterday about a guy who worked at a pickle factory and wanted to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. he knows he shouldn't do it but can't help himself. finally he puts his dick into the slicer and gets fired for it. anyways, the punch line of the joke was that the pickle slicer wasn't a machine it was a woman who worked at the factory. i know it's not relevant to the thread but it was the first one on the page so i decided to post it here I work at that factory and every day people show up to slap the dick out of my mouth |
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 20:44
|
|
|
my life is like bungee jumping from my peter, it feels great for 0.04 seconds |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 21:16
|
|
|
|
My bank switched to these new atms that use a cell phone app instead of a debit card, and I just needed help checking my balance real quick. The branch manager pushed me over.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 21:56
|
|
|
|
every loving time i go to get a soda out of my fridge & drink it i get a mouth full of piss from my roommate instead. he isnt even drat chinese, he's fuckin white
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 22:06
|
|
|
A disheveled, bloodied man sits on an ambulance gurney, a deep look of shock on his face as the paramedics are tending to his wounds, bloodied bandages already decorating his body. A detective, notepad in hand, is asking him questions about the incident... "I thought I could do it. I mean... as a kid, they have that song- you know? When you're playing tag? I figured after all the times I had everyone put their potatoes in, and all the times we tried to determine who was going to be "it"- for crying out loud, there's a freaking Engine Number Nine, I rode on it! It's on the Chicago line! The train never went off the tracks! I kissed a girl behind a magazine, just to see if I could! And it wasn't because I was dirty! It wasn't because I was clean, either. So anyway I decided "why the hell not?" So that's why I tried to catch a tiger by it's toe..." https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 22:36
|
|
|
|
time. so much time wasted, and with it my youth, my vitality, my sense of purpose. but at last, at long last, now that the tale has spun out again and again, agonizing and endless, I have found Wisdom: I jump straight to running over the loving talking snake.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 23:12
|
|
|
|
*ring ring* [my bud Dave on the other line]: hey man, got a good one here for ya. What's black and white and 'read' all over!" me: o-oh god, Dave no... Dave: yea that's right, i shot your dalmation the gently caress up lol!!! XD got u good bro
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2017 23:49
|
|
|
The final entry in the lost explorer's diary was: "welp, looks like it's 'death by bo-bo!'"
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 00:53
|
|
|
|
Manifisto posted:it's reflexive now, when someone so much as approaches my door I start screaming "SAY BANANA! SAY BANANA MOTHERFUCKER AND I WILL CUT YOU!" Banana who?? BANANA WHO!?!? |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 01:38
|
|
|
|
In today's news, the island of Nantucket voted to change their name, saying "gently caress it." |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 02:58
|
|
|
|
im gay
---------------- |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 03:54
|
|
|
every time i walk by that drat supply closet i cower in fear of the lurking chinaman within |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 06:03
|
|
|
|
Having loved my wife of 50+ years, and successfully raising my three beautiful children to become parents of their own, death slowly takes me. I am laid to rest surrounded by loved ones and friends, each deeply touched by my deep gratitude and humility. My widow takes the podium, and explains to the crowd that I had prepared a message to my loved ones before my passing, pressing play as a video slowly comes to life behind her. "Do you have any updogs? ugh oh shoot I messed it up. Uh... Do you know whats an updog? Ugh no..."
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 07:02
|
|
|
|
vanisher posted:Having loved my wife of 50+ years, and successfully raising my three beautiful children to become parents of their own, death slowly takes me. I am laid to rest surrounded by loved ones and friends, each deeply touched by my deep gratitude and humility. My widow takes the podium, and explains to the crowd that I had prepared a message to my loved ones before my passing, pressing play as a video slowly comes to life behind her. heh a beautiful granite tombstone caved with "VANISHER: DIED OF AN UPDOG" |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 12:02
|
|
|
|
I climb into the mascot suit at the local fast food chicken joint and head out the door with the day's first delivery order in hand. "it's a living" I sigh as the light at the crosswalk changes
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 12:24
|
|
|
|
I walk up to my friends house, and knock on the door. *Knock Knock* "Who's there?" "Uhh, me?" "Oh I thought you might have been an often made fun of ethnic person to make a joke about!" *Sighs, and goes in*
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 14:36
|
|
|
|
Manifisto posted:heh the ultimate joke |
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 15:01
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 08:06 |
|
|
Splatmaster posted:There was something about the way she said "You're obviously NOT from Nantucket!" that made me very sad 
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2017 15:34
|
|