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It was ok at first. The lightbulbs. The animal hybrids. The incessant knocking by people with strange names. Annoying, of course, but tolerable. But then things got darker. Racism. Sexism. Skeletons. People brandishing knives when they greet me. Disgusting sagas of sex, bodily excretions, and morbidity, sometimes all at once. But who knew that I would look back on even these days with fondness? Because now it's all babies. Dead ones. They're everywhere. I look in my refrigerator, dead baby next to the milk. I open my mailbox and two or three of them tumble out. I have to wade through them to reach my car in the garage. They're coming even now. I can hear them. Hundreds, nay, thousands of limp infant corpses piling up against the steel door, making its hinges creak and groan. The nice men in white put me in the soft room to protect me, but there's no place the babies won't find me. This is my hell. This is the final punchline. |
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Jun 10, 2017 15:55
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 01:56 |
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google THIS posted:It was ok at first. The lightbulbs. The animal hybrids. The incessant knocking by people with strange names. Annoying, of course, but tolerable.
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Jun 10, 2017 17:18
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"That's one hell of a life, what do you call it?" "the google THIS-tocrats!"
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Jun 10, 2017 17:27
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Dear Diary, I found a genie lamp and rubbed it and asked for a little head and now all my hats are too drat big https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jun 10, 2017 17:41
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the piano is my passion, but being a foot high i can only play a very small one. its lowest note is octaves above middle c 
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Jun 11, 2017 03:28
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I'm a programmer. My wife asks me to pick up a stick of butter, and while I'm there, pick up eggs. I love her more than anything, but I'm trapped here... eternally picking up eggs. |
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Jun 11, 2017 05:03
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(practicing with my garage band) Me: Drum solo! (I feverishly pound out a hundred rimshots in a row) Lead guitarist: Listen, the rest of us have been talking, and this just isn't working. You're out of the band. Me: Aw, come on guys, gimme another chance! I can play something else, like-- Other band members: No! (downcast, I lower my slide-whistle) |
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Jun 11, 2017 05:39
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google THIS posted:(practicing with my garage band) |
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Jun 11, 2017 05:39
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"my whole life is a yolk" -An egg
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Jun 11, 2017 06:07
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and the third one ducks
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Jun 11, 2017 19:51
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For the last loving time the skeleton explains to the Necromancer what the mop is for after he orders the beer...
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jun 11, 2017 20:24
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Wherever something happens to me, it will happen again two more times. The first recurrence builds on the initial incident, and the second typically subverts my expectations. I want to die, but fear the repercussions of doing so. |
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Jun 12, 2017 03:26
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i process and package air plane peanuts, AMA |
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Jun 14, 2017 00:56
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I'm not saying I want to die, I'm just saying I probably wouldn't mind being dead. - me, today, which has sucked ---------------- |
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Jun 16, 2017 20:50
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precision posted:I'm not saying I want to die, I'm just saying I probably wouldn't mind being dead. it's like I'm really watching Mike Birbiglia
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Jun 16, 2017 20:53
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today has been so bad that that is the nicest thing anyone has said about me all day
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Jun 16, 2017 21:04
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 01:56 |
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tbf I don't think he's the worst comedian in the world. Cheer up, buddy. Make some jokes. We did it again today, and after both of us getting out of the hospitals I have to wonder why between the two of us, neither of us saw it coming. also we're two penguins
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Jun 16, 2017 21:29
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