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Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit
Greetings Ask/Tell. I am a diagnosed schizophrenic who is stable/medicated and is unusually aware of how my illness impacts the way I think and communicate. I have been posting threads for several years over in D&D about growing up in an extremist/authoritarian environment. I originally started posting those threads while I was living in a very unique/experimental homeless community called "Haven for Hope". Although I have touched upon some of this material before I feel that I am at a stage in my recovery where it would be beneficial for me to write about/share some of the experiences I had living in Haven for Hope for two years.

(Important caveat: I have explored my experiences being raised in authoritarian environments to my likely lifelong satisfaction and do not intend to discuss that material in this thread. This thread is specifically about my experiences being a homeless schizophrenic and living in a truly unique environment with its own complex culture.)

Haven for Hope is a truly unique place chock full of striking contrasts and every imaginable aspect of humanity is perpetually turned up to 11. It is a place where no matter what your ideology, political beliefs, or worldview, you will have them profoundly challenged in a life-altering way if you spend anything more than 5 minutes there. The entire effort is a huge public-private partnership between the City of San Antonio and the Chairman of the Board of Nustar Energy. The facility is a massive multi-acre campus housing facilities used by 83 separate programs (various Federal, State, and Private organizations all make some level of use of the facility) dedicated solely to the treatment of homelessness and its attendant issues. Although the total numbers of residents fluctuates depending on a a few factors (weather, time of month, holidays causing hotel prices to skyrocket, etc) there are generally between 1200 to 1600 residents, including over 200 children. Many Faiths and charities make regular visits there and provide feedings and those feedings are the rhythm of life that the community functions around. Sikhs come every 3rd Thursday with lentil soup and (incredibly hard to get while homeless) fresh salad greens. Baptists come every 2nd Friday with Deer Chili. These and other regular feedings are always profoundly anticipated events.

Haven for Hope is intentionally separated into two entirely different communities ("prospects" and "members") and and the design of the facility is such that it in every way possible these communities are encouraged not to interact with each other. (Each community uses distinct entrances separated by several blocks worth of walking for starters.) This structure is believe it or not part of the brilliance of Haven for Hope and what enables them to meet the needs of two very different but important parts of the homeless community.

Members live on what is called "Members Side", and it is a homeless shelter out of a Norman Rockwell painting. No, seriously, I'm not being sarcastic, it is literally what Norman Rockwell would have painted if he had ever tried to romanticize a homeless shelter. Flower hedges lead up to the dining hall which is across the gorgeous multi-fatih worship facility. Children frolic about in a grassy field or ride their bikes and roller-skates along the spotless white pavement. Residents live in military-like barracks with assigned beds and private lockers. The rules are detailed and their enforcement is taken seriously. Folk here are generally very quiet, respectful. (Living in Members Side is a privilege earned by showing some level of commitment to improving your situation and as a result is populated by people who want out of homelessness badly enough to tolerate the strict rules and constant searches for contraband.) Most hours the only real source of noise is the din of boisterous children at play.

(Edit: Found an image of Members Side. On the far left is the multi-faith facility, in the middle is the Transformation Center, and on the right are some of the SRO's (Single Resident Occupancy) and the guard booth.





Prospects live in "Prospects Courtyard" and it is....... very different from Members Side. "PCY" as it is known by is a place where anyone can show up with nothing and receive at least some food, some basic medical care, access to showers, and a mat to sleep on at night. (And not very loving much else) PCY is a place that after spending 45 minutes trying to write this paragraph I have simply concluded is just impossible to summarize; for I fear that in the attempt to do so it would seem as if I was either ungrateful for the aid I received or that the facility is badly run. Neither of those things are true of course, I am grateful beyond my ability to express in words for the aid I received while I was in PCY and honest to God the staff is running the place better than could be reasonably asked for. But there is no getting around the fact that the place is immensely unpleasant in a wide variety of ways that most readers will find quite novel to read about because it is simply so beyond their experiences. (I once for example saw someone buy a blowjob for 4 cigarettes)

PCY is a hellish mishmash of the absolute best and worst aspects of humanity metaphorically and literally puking all over themselves while begging invisible demons to relent their ceaseless torment. It is a place where people who are just legally sane enough to refuse treatment/forced commitment spend all day babbling, or worse. It is where San Antonio houses all their pedophiles and rapists that they don't know what else to do with. It is where everyone who exits the 10,000 resident County Jail down the street and has nowhere else to go winds up. (Parole Officers are regularly in the facility for a wide variety of reasons) It is where every conceivable variation of dysfunctional addict goes to either hit rock bottom or die from their addiction. It is where people who don't even know what State they were born in wind up because they have never in their lives been able to obtain legal ID's. Every variant of conman, manipulator, predator, pickpocket, murderer, and unrepentant psychopath can be found here and in good abundance. People with uncontrollable Tourette Syndrome start making sounds you would not have thought possible to be created with the human voice, and this in turns triggers a woman with multiple personalities to begin arguing with what she perceives as the disrespectful pattern in these strange noises, and that in turn causes a schizophrenic to begin loudly prophesying as if they were a televangelist working an excited crowd. It is a place where the threat of violence is very real and omnipresent. 110 pound Iraq Vets hospitalize security guards during flashbacks and brawls happen at least a half-dozen times a day.

Edit: Found an approved imagine of the interior of PCY. During my stay there it was rarely this clean, however I understand that things have improved since I last lived there in 2014.






I arrived in Haven for Hope at pretty much the rock-bottom point in my life, with about 30 bucks in my pocket and a fresh pack of smokes and whatever clothing I could fit into my singular piece of luggage.. Although I had been experiencing schizophrenic symptoms ever since childhood I had somehow managed to putter along in denial for a very long time. Eventually though my illness had come to dominate my life and I had burned every bridge I had ever had and had been unable to find steady work for years. I had finally come to a point where I knew I was going to wind up homeless so I went online looking for the best city to survive in a and find help. Some people on City-Forums recommended Haven for Hope and based on this and a phone call to Haven I had come to San Antonio (on a ticket that had been donated by a kind stranger who read my thread on City-Forums). I lived for 11 weeks in PCY before moving over to Members side where I lived first in a special mental illness residential program for 7 months before moving into general pop for about a year. It was during this time that I first received proper diagnosis and treatment for my mental illness and began my long process of recovery. After that I moved into the main male dorm on Members side for about a year before eventually qualifying for a program that housed me in a regular apartment at no cost to myself for a year.

I am more than happy to describe in detail anything at all about living in either side of Haven for Hope or the experiences I had throughout the entire journey. The only exception I will make is that I will substitute actual streetnames ( street nicknames) with approximates to protect identities. I also will not link any non-official photos or videos of Haven for Hope as there are good reasons to protect the privacy of individuals living there and Haven for Hope genuinely makes a best faith effort to do so. I also will not discuss my direct experiences with suicidal ideation but I will discuss what it is like to be a part of a community where people discuss struggling not to kill themselves in a manner normally reserved for discussing vexxing weather conditions. Outside of suicidal ideation though I do not mind discussing my symptoms or the experience of getting diagnosed and going on meds for the first time/attending group therapy.

Outside of Haven for Hope there is also a fairly unique culture w/r/t the homeless in San Antonio and there are some pretty unique things there like "Church Under the Bridge, a fully modern church facility funded by a local pizza magnate (owns like 33 Little Ceasar's in San Antonio) where except the pastor literally everyone is homless. (Yes, the choir is also homeless). There are also some really remarkable programs that local religious organizations provide the homeless in open defiance of local efforts to shut them down in order to force more homeless people to rely on Haven for Hope.

So thread with that lengthy introduction concluded, ask away.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 01:31 on Jun 21, 2017

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PurpleButterfly
Nov 5, 2012
Another excellent OP, PJ. I have loved reading all your threads so far.

quote:

There are also some really remarkable programs that local religious organizations provide the homeless in open defiance of local efforts to shut them down in order to force more homeless people to rely on Haven for Hope.

This hit a nerve with me because the NIMBYs in $TOWN-1 tried to do this to a homeless feeding program that my church there was doing. This kind of thing really makes me sad and angry. If you know, what jerk conceived the idea of trying to create a monopoly on good works?

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

PurpleButterfly posted:

Another excellent OP, PJ. I have loved reading all your threads so far.


This hit a nerve with me because the NIMBYs in $TOWN-1 tried to do this to a homeless feeding program that my church there was doing. This kind of thing really makes me sad and angry. If you know, what jerk conceived the idea of trying to create a monopoly on good works?

Within San Antonio the policy has been a mixed blessing, has been enforced in a very mixed way (some of the larger Church's in town have extensive outreach programs to the homeless and basically double-dog-dared the police to arrest a bunch of clergy.) In San Antonio there is a surprisingly large population of honest-to-god compassionate conservatives and the various religious organizations in San Antonio hold some pretty extensive pull in local politics. So the police never went after some of the more powerful organizations but did drive off a bunch of the smaller feedings/organizations. It is my understanding that those church's/organizations were welcome to relocate their existing programs into Haven for Hope, but for a variety of reasons this was not always practical/possible/desired. (This is Texas after all and the idea of a big centralized location for a particular service does not always sit too well.)

Part of the motivation for the Haven for Hope is to give the homeless population of San Antonio somewhere other than the Riverwalk to be all day while as many of them are transferred into long term housing as possible. The idea behind preventing much of the other programs from operating wherever/forcing them to operate through Haven of Hope was to drive the homeless population of San Antonio to have to rely on the Haven for services and therefor get more of them enrolled in the various programs that help people get off the streets.When I was still using homeless services in San Antonio it was well known that this this policy was being very selectively enforced and was being quietly pulled back on. (One of the better Sunday feedings took place in a police impound lot that they looked the other way for a group that made a 2 hour road trip every week to feed us.) Part of the motivation for pulling back came from learning the hard way that there is a certain percentage of the homeless population who will simply resort to crime rather than either live in or relocate their tent somewhere nearby the Haven. Removing enough feedings within a certain are,a and petty theft/shoplifting/panhandling would shoot through the roof.

Another unexpected development Haven learned the hard way (and really there is no way they could have forseen this, so much of what they do and the scale they are doing it at is is completely experimental) is a disproportionate portion of the homeless people you can easily force to relocate by cutting services are the ones you wish would stay well the gently caress away from everyone else. There was a real problem with a certain class of predatory homeless people that had been lifetime banned from Haven but still spent most of their time hanging out in the general vicinity of the campus. They often formed gangs and handled much of the drug trafficking that went through PCY. They had connections to the local prison gangs (The Country Jail of 10k inmates is literally 1 block down the road from PCY) In exchange they had friends who had not been kicked out who would bring them food/whatever was available from within PCY, often in exchange for small quantities of very very very lovely drugs.

Let me stress that this particular group was several hundred strong and spread out in inconsistent cluster in an area approximately a mile radius out from Haven. Some of these individuals were the worst of the worst the human race has to offer, the very meanest and most unpredictable motherfuckers I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. (I once had a ringleader of one of these groups shout out to me "If there weren't 6 of you with her right now I would be raping that bitch" in reference to a young homeless woman who was traveling with my group to a feeding. He was not making a joke and it was not an idle threat.) Their camps and the areas around them were considered to be very dangerous and not to be ventured into unless you had a loving good reason and had brought some (preferably well connected) friends. There was a woman I knew who was a heroin addict and in the midst of withdrawals decided to chance going into one of those areas (several wooded copses interweaving some highway overpasses) at 4 in the morning hoping to score. A gang caught her and gangraped her. She spent thirty minutes in shock before she managed to collect herself enough to get moving. Another gang caught her and gangraped her. Fortunately the police found her shortly thereafter (wandering in a daze naked and apparently threatening to jump off a bridge) and she survived.

Figuring out how to either drive away or disperse that particular crowd without giving the Haven such a bad rep that it made it hard to get more homeless people to willingly enter it was an ongoing learning process while I was there. The solution the police seemed to have hit upon was to selectively break up the homeless camping locations that became populated by that particular crowd.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 00:27 on Jun 21, 2017

occamsnailfile
Nov 4, 2007



zamtrios so lonely
Grimey Drawer
This is all pretty fascinating stuff. I'd heard vaguely about San Antonio shutting down certain homeless feedings--it doesn't ever make for good press even if they have something like a good reason for doing it. The articles I read suggested that in some cases local residents/business owners were complaining about the feedings attracting people, which just sounds cold-hearted to me. I can't say if I agree with forced centralization, I'm really not expert enough in the area, but it certainly seems to give a safer ground for professional staff to work from to treat people with long-term disorders that are at the root of their homelessness. Haven for Hope sounds like at least a good attempt at solving the problem rather than ignoring it letting people fester on scraps. Some of them may indeed be real motherfuckers but better at least to know where they are I guess? Unless the state feels like shouldering the expense of imprisoning them.

I know a lot of the current homeless population originated from the former mental asylum population that was turned out in the 80s (thanks Reagan!), do you think as a person with mental illness that this is a good middle solution between forced institutionalization and 'solve it yourself' non-policies? Do you feel like the treatment you've received is adequate and helpful? I know experiences with mental health practice can vary tremendously and it's made more difficult when dealing with patients who reject the diagnosis.

Also, it sounds like you are male, and the majority of those living homeless tend to be male--what gender ratio does Haven for Hope have? Are there specific resources for women? The safety issues present make it sound really scary for a woman alone, or with kids.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

occamsnailfile posted:

This is all pretty fascinating stuff. I'd heard vaguely about San Antonio shutting down certain homeless feedings--it doesn't ever make for good press even if they have something like a good reason for doing it. The articles I read suggested that in some cases local residents/business owners were complaining about the feedings attracting people, which just sounds cold-hearted to me. I can't say if I agree with forced centralization, I'm really not expert enough in the area, but it certainly seems to give a safer ground for professional staff to work from to treat people with long-term disorders that are at the root of their homelessness. Haven for Hope sounds like at least a good attempt at solving the problem rather than ignoring it letting people fester on scraps. Some of them may indeed be real motherfuckers but better at least to know where they are I guess? Unless the state feels like shouldering the expense of imprisoning them.

Its complicated, some of them have never done anything (or at least not recently) to anyone who was actually going to show up in court and testify against them. (In PCY if two dudes brawled they were jsut banned for a short period, usually no more than a week and sometimes as a little as one night depending on the circumstances. Unless an ambulance ride was involved the police did not get invovled in a brawl between the homeless) Others were out on bail and/or otherwise awaiting trial. Others literally hid during the light of day and only ventured out at night to run errands for prison gangs.

The general consensus was that the real problem was when the density of these individuals became too great in a n area. You couldn't prevent them from being somewhere but you could prevent them from running an area. If too many of them moved into an area they would effectively take over the area and become an active menace to local residents.

quote:


I know a lot of the current homeless population originated from the former mental asylum population that was turned out in the 80s (thanks Reagan!), do you think as a person with mental illness that this is a good middle solution between forced institutionalization and 'solve it yourself' non-policies? Do you feel like the treatment you've received is adequate and helpful? I know experiences with mental health practice can vary tremendously and it's made more difficult when dealing with patients who reject the diagnosis.


Haven for Hope is in many aspects the absolute best thing that can actually be done under the circumstances and accomplishes way more good than anyone has any right to ask of it. Haven is designed to help meet the needs of the homeless population and part of that is dealing with mental illness. Haven has its own on site psychiatrist office,pharmacy, counselors, security staff trained to deal with mental illness, and a huuuge variety of support groups run by a grab-bag of organizations/residents. (Name an addiction and pick a faith: there is a support group for that and it probably meets in the multi-faith facility.) Overall the assistance I received was pretty good and much better than many others in my circumstances have access too. That said there are criticisms I could level but they are largely more to do with "What would be a better way to help the mentally ill in an ideal setting" versus "what Haven could to to improve things right now". All in all there are really rather few suggestions I would make that Haven could actually do anything about.

Going form being homelss and having no formal history of diagnosis to getting a diagnosis and getting on meds was possible at Haven, but it took me 11 weeks to do so and that was only because I stayed on my case like a bloodhound. I can understand the need for gatekeepers in such a situation, but because of the complications in getting funded for the various programs I went through like loving 6 gatekeepers (not an exaggeration) before I finally sat down in front of a qualified psychiatrist. There were just so many goddamn gatekeepers, and the process was so mind-numbingly frustrating. I would wait a week to go see a gatekeeper (with no clear idea how far into the process I actually was, poo poo was opaque as gently caress) spend 2 hours with a complete stranger telling them the most private things about myself to be told "come back in three days for our decision". Three days later I come back and they tell me "we are escalating your case, your next appointment is in two weeks" and they did that to me over and over.

One of those gatekeepers was an rear end in a top hat who didn't like me and tried to torpedo my case after all but calling me a faker to my face. Thankfully I know my way around bureaucracy (I was raised in a cult that used a school curriculum that literally simulates a corporate office environment with the intent of producing Christian Dominionist office drones to work for the GOP) so I am well acquainted with working around lovely bureaucrats who take an irrational dislike to me. Other people who really needed the help were dissuaded from the process by the frustrating nature of it. (On the other hand I did see several very convincing fakers get tossed out on their rear end at various stages in the process, so at least there is that.)

That was all while I was in PCY though. Once I was living on Members Side things changed pretty dramatically and I was drowning in support. I was living in a special mental health dorm, had 3 group therapy sessions a day 5 days a week, saw my therapist once a week, met my psychiatrist once a month for medication maintance/adjustment, and my case manager would meet with me privately for an hour twice a month. I had full medication support, my psychiatrist was in a building adjacent to my dorm and my meds were delivered right to the staff who managed the living area. (We lined up three times a day and they watched us swallow our meds exactly as prescribed and kept detailed records.) By and large it was a very positive experience, the staff was full of people who were really passionate about their work and the people in my program were all people who were there to get themselves better and get off the streets, nothing else. The excessive gatekeepers did at least mean that only the people who really wanted to be there were in that dorm, and very frequently the group therapy sessions were really something special. (Depended on who as facilitating the group though, there were some lovely facilitators who were basically doing the job in the same mechanical way one might operate a drill press.)

In general showing effort to help yourself was rewarded pretty handsomely and nearly every specific request I made to the staff was granted. In the mental health dorm troublemakers( or at least most of them, there was an exception because he was in there as a favor to local law enforcement) really did not last very long. There was waiting list to get in and they could easily fill a bed next day it became available. While they had plenty of patience for people who followed at least the letter of the rules (if not the spirit) they would put the people who were there to cause problems right back in PCY. Unless they had done something severe they were generally allowed to go through the waiting list and come back in for another attempt. This was not considered too unusual actually, my case manager had a custom made sign on his desk that said "Remember, relapse is part of the process".

quote:

Also, it sounds like you are male, and the majority of those living homeless tend to be male--what gender ratio does Haven for Hope have? Are there specific resources for women? The safety issues present make it sound really scary for a woman alone, or with kids.

Well, I identified as male when I was living in PCY but at the time my true gender (female) was really starting to come out in a big way. The situation for women was very complicated and varied greatly between PCY and Members Side. On Members Side the women had their own everything (even their own womens only entrance that connected to a fairly safe street with a corner store on it.)

Children all live in the family dorm and they also have their own private everything as well as extra security (Called "Life Safety Officers" or "LSO's") in their areas. People with a history of crimes towards children (or certain violent crimes) are not permitted on Members Side. Children live as normal a life as can be arranged at Haven, there are extremely well protected bus entrances for school buses (also ambulances) for example.

In PCY women had their own restroom and their own shaded sleeping area (sleeping was outdoors with mats on concrete) and that was about it. Men outnumbered women by about 8 to 1 or so. It is a very dangerous environment for women and the culture there is kind of hard to describe without sounding misogynistic. I'll probably do a full post at some point but trading favors was my preferred way of acquiring whatever I needed (smokes, food, bus tickets, etc). One of the favors that I specialized in was "wife watching" wherein I would literally be responsible for protecting someones wife/girlfriend while they were in the shelter (the man would usually be away doing day labor) and I would escort them wherever they might need to go if they needed to leave the shelter.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 01:44 on Jun 21, 2017

Zemyla
Aug 6, 2008

I'll take her off your hands. Pleasure doing business with you!

Prester Jane posted:

there are some pretty unique things there like "Church Under the Bridge, a fully modern church facility funded by a local pizza magnate (owns like 33 Little Ceasar's in San Antonio) where except the pastor literally everyone is homless. (Yes, the choir is also homeless).

Little Caesar's sounds like it's got a really awesome corporate culture. Their CEO paid for Rosa Parks's rent until she died, for instance. It makes a good contrast with Papa John's.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

Zemyla posted:

Little Caesar's sounds like it's got a really awesome corporate culture. Their CEO paid for Rosa Parks's rent until she died, for instance. It makes a good contrast with Papa John's.

I can believe it. The guy who pays for Church Under the Bridge (hereafter referred to as "CUB") occasionally quietly attends the services and unless you know exactly who he is you would never be aware of his presence. He is worth like 50 million or something IIRC but when he comes to CUB he dresses in a nondescript T-shirt and jeans and mostly either helps in the kitchen or serves the sweet tea during the meal. He also keeps updated postings on a bulletin board that lists every job availability at all the little Caesar's locations he owns.

CUB has a full Little Caesar's kitchen in the back as well as a regular commercial kitchen. The idea behind CUB is that three times a week they hold a regular Church service and afterwards there is a meal. (Like many such charities if you want to eat you have to sit through the service first.) CUB is connected to a wide variety of Evangelical church's in the greater San Antonio area and many church's use CUB for their own outreach to the homeless. Usually 1 or 2 of the services in a given week are hosted by an outside church that comes in and uses CUB's kitchen to cook while their pastor conducts the church service. For quite a few of these church's this is an event they only do a few times a year and they pretty elaborate- some of the best meals I have ever had in my life have been in CUB. ("Hunger is the best seasoning" is no joke and when you are literally starving and someone hands you a still-smoking brisket sandwhich with just the perfect yellow mustard it is an experience worth charging 15 dollars a minute.)

Granted, there are some valid criticisms I could level at CUB but those mostly relate to the head pastor being a bonified Texas good-ole boy who came strait out of the backwoods into the big city and never changed because he has spent most of his life serving homeless people. He is a genuinely great human being who is doing good work and has his intentions in the right place, but he is also stuck in a very old form of Christianity that refuses to evolve on certain issues. (He went off an a mildly anti-semitic rant during a service once for example.) On the whole though CUB (like many things in San Antonio with regards to the homeless) is a genuine good-fatih effort at making a real difference, and on the whole it does succeed in this quite well.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 17:34 on Jun 21, 2017

PT6A
Jan 5, 2006

Public school teachers are callous dictators who won't lift a finger to stop children from peeing in my plane
How do you think cities can address the problems you describe with the "predatory homeless?" There's a bit of a problem with that in my city, and it seems like if you point out that that small minority of homeless people actually does exist, you're accused of believing homeless people in general are all violent or predatory, which is obviously not the case.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

PT6A posted:

How do you think cities can address the problems you describe with the "predatory homeless?" There's a bit of a problem with that in my city, and it seems like if you point out that that small minority of homeless people actually does exist, you're accused of believing homeless people in general are all violent or predatory, which is obviously not the case.

Off the top of my head community engagement between law enforcement and the local homeless would be the way to start learning how to tackle it. The local homeless are the ones who will know where the dangerous creitns are and what camps they are hanging out at. Plenty of homeless people would be more than happy to tell the police who the troublemakers are if they had faith that doing so might just actually matter. Prior to the creation of haven for Hope there was another homeless shelter downtown that was a festering shitpile compared to the Haven. It was however a festering shitpile where to a certain extent the local homeless self-policed and kept the predatory homeless we are talking about away. While Haven is a much nicer facility many homeless in San Antonio that I spoke too missed the old community and hated that Haven had heralded the end of their ability to self police.

Dreylad
Jun 19, 2001
A city in Alberta, Canada, ended homelessness by housing its homeless.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/medicine-hat-homeless-free-update-1.3949030

peanut
Sep 9, 2007


Exciting thread, op. Can you talk a little more about the timeline of development of your symptoms, and what other kind of patients were in the mental illness clinic?

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

peanut posted:

Exciting thread, op. Can you talk a little more about the timeline of development of your symptoms, and what other kind of patients were in the mental illness clinic?
These are both excellent questions and will require a post each to answer. I will do one now and will try and write up the second one later today. I will start with talking about my symptoms and their onset.


Let me first a little bit about my diagnosis, which is Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type II, and PTSD. To simplify things a bit Schizoaffective disorder means that I have both schizophrenia and a mood disorder (in this case Bipolar Type II) and the symptoms from those can occur either independently (I can be bedridden from depression without being delusional or hearing voices), can co-occur (I can be bedridden from depression while also hearing voices), one set of symptoms can trigger another (I can be bedridden from depression brought on from hearing voices), or they can at times be interacting in very complicated ways. (I can be in a confused and delusional state brought on by the stress of hearing voices taunt me while I am bedridden from depression.)

The development of my symptoms is a little unusual in that I was very clearly experiencing and showing symptoms of schizophrenia as a child (onset for Shcizoaffective disorder is usually late 20's-early 30's) but the environment I was raised in was so dysfunctional/traumatic/superstitious that its hard for me to separate my childhood schizophrenic symptoms from the symptoms I was experiencing from gender dysphoria, being subjected to ritualized beatings , severe social isolation, and severe sensory deprivation. (I was at times forced to sit for 14 hours a day facing a corner for periods as long as a month.)

Personally I suspect that the sensory deprivation played a large role in the development of my schizophrenia. I have some rather vivid memories of events that occurred while I was in dissociative states during some of the longer periods of sensory deprivation. I have memories of making up stories to pass the time and daydreaming about these stories being the original source of my internal monologue. I have memories of being locked in locked closets and experimenting with my perceptions of reality the way a child might experiment with a toy: once I found that I could make reality go all squiggly for a moment (on purpose, the first few times were by accident) and as that was by far the most interesting thing I had to pass the time with. It was also during these periods that I first started creating the geometry-based internal language that I call [pattern]. Since I had no one to talk to and very little idea of what normal social interaction was I passed the time in part by creating ways to replicate concepts I understood through abstract representations of shapes.

I did not start to experience anything even vaguely resembling normal social interaction until High School and I struggled greatly to relate to my peers. I eventually found a group of teenagers to bond with however our common link was a history of well-hidden (and extreme) child abuse. Much of our early connections were made by discussing the various hallucinations we had and trying to impart spiritual meaning to the vivid PTSD dreams that were a common part of our lives but none of our other peers. Out of this high-school group would grow several of the cults I was a part of and numerous other ones I was not. In general my hallucinations and delusions were treated as psychic gifts and in return I treated their symptoms as if they were also evidence of super-powers.

I wanted to go deeper into examining how I experienced the onset of my symptoms but doing so will require me to first explain some of the particulars of my internal world and how it functions, so I hope the thread will not mind if I turn this into a gigantic post by quoting two pieces I have previously written about how my schizophrenia impacts my thinking.

I wanted to try and explain specifically how my mental illness impacts my thinking and how you can see some of the results of that in my use of capitalized words. Have you ever read something written by an unmedicated schizophrenic and it is full of Randomly Capitalized Words that seem to be used in such as way as to Convey A Deeper Meaning that is important to the author but Indecipherable to the reader? This is an artifact of how schizophrenics think, and I am far from immune to it. What I have done is adapt myself to it. Let me explain.

Schizophrenics and Randomly Capitalized Words posted:






Part of my illness is an extremely enhanced pattern recognition. This pattern recognition stems from a part of my conscious experience that process data in a fundamentally different way, I call this part of my consciousness [Pattern], and it processes and arranges data in a way that is very different from how a healthy mind processes and arranges data. [Pattern] perceives connections and repetitions in things, and it also smashes these perceptions down into more manageable abbreviations. By and large, all that [Pattern] does is process data in an extremely abbreviated fashion, sniffing specifically for commonalities between disparate data sets and then creating abbreviated methods to reference them. In most Schizophrenics this manifests as the Schizophrenic thinking and trying to communicate using these abbreviated references that [Pattern] has created in their mind. Generally they are unaware of doing so and simply assume everyone else thinks in the same terms as well, so when they write something and use one of these abbreviated terms they subconsciously turn it into a Proper Noun to distinguish the abbreviated [Pattern] produced concept they are referencing from the literal meaning of the words. As the schizophrenic is completely unaware of this, they feel they are communicating very specific ideas quite clearly, and they can read their own writing back to themselves and understand its intended meaning just fine. I am certainly not immune to this.

When you see my capitalized terms like Compaction or Inner Narrative then these represent a conscious attempt on my part to harness this aspect of schizophrenia. Through a rigorous internal review process I constantly monitor myself for the formation of new [Pattern] produced concepts. My mind creates these somewhat at random (I can consciously direct the topic that these will be formed around, but cannot really influence them otherwise), and then I try and find the ones that hold up to scrutiny. When I find ones that hold up to scrutiny then I try and find ways to communicate these concepts in terms that healthy minds will understand. Although I have naming conventions and systems for all this internally, much of it is too abstract to explain, so the names I wind up using are often part of my attempt to communicate these ideas.

The goal here then is to take the regular incoherent babble of a schizophrenic and try and turn it into something coherent.

Prester Jane posted:



When I drift off and let my mind wander I play a sort of free association kind of game. I am thinking not in english, but in patterns, vortexes, geometric shapes. memories, sounds, sensations of sounds, memories of emotions of reactions to vibrations of sounds. I free wheel and freely associate, thinking of nothing, just letting consciousness stream by. On occasion I will suddenly sense a connection between two things I have recently thought of. I find this sensation (Which I call Epiphany to be very pleasurable. When I am experiencing this sensation I just roll with it, and let my mind freely make whatever associations come. As I do so I get the sense that I have made a profound connection, learned something important. My mind races to make similar connections, to argue whether there is a connection between these two things or not, a theory is formed to explain the connection, and many interpretations are formed. I find this whole process to be thrilling and very fun. Once I have what I feel is a functioning theory, I construct a Mental Metaphor that contains all the ideas I have just had encoded into it. This Mental Metaphor will be a symbolic representation of my ideas written in an internal language of symbolism that I use. This language is heavily self referenced and often represented by very abstract ideas, nonetheless, it exists primarily as a way for me to recreate any particular thought line I had concerning the idea the Mental Metaphor is meant to represent at a later date. With a properly constructed Mental Metaphor, I can store many inter-related but not yet hashed out ideas into an elaborate symbol so that I can come back and consider later. Then at a later date I can remember the Mental Metaphor, and recall all the ideas that lead me to create it for further consideration and refinement. The Mental Metaphor then gets modified to reflect any new understandings or internal arguments that have been had, and gets deposited back in my memory again. I have many such mental metaphors, all written in a completely self referenced language that makes no attempt to communicate with anyone but myself.

I find this to be an activity that I spend most of my day in, in one form or another. It is extremely fulfilling to me. I usually sit zoned out watching kpop girl bands (helps relieve my Gender Dysphoria, and not hard on the eyes either) and just let my mind drift. Sometimes I am working with one of my Mental Metaphor's, sometimes I am building a new one, sometimes I am just coasting in free association in a kind of drifting listen mode.

When I feel a Mental Metaphor has neared a state of completion, I begin to test it. For this task I have an extensive library of internal self metaphors, folksy sayings, observations, and Pattern Tools (geometric representations of well known and internally accepted orders of operation for internal behaviour). I apply these Pattern Tools to my Mental Metaphor in a testing phase to see if there is any validity to the associations that were used to create the Mental Metaphor. This process is also really fun, I sort of mentally smash my ideas into the ground with as much vigor as I can. I try many ways to argue against my ideas and use many different styles of logic to attack the ideas the Mental Metaphor is meant to represent. I would say that out of Twenty such Mental Metaphor's, Seventeen or so are smashed at this stage. At some point a critical flaw is either discovered, or a simpler explanation, or the association checks out but turns out to have no important meanings. If so, the Mental Metaphor is modified to reflect the discovered flaw. The modification used to represent the flaw is itself stored as a Mental Metaphor so it can be used as a check for previously discovered flaws in new Mental Metaphor's.

Once this process is complete the three remaining Mental Metaphor's are accepted as "probably true, but still require testing" and added to my internal language database. They become mental constructs meant to represet complex concepts so that I can observe various concepts and communicate with myself more rapidly. By pondering one of these Metaphors and then pondering another I can also compare and contrast and study why I constructed a particular Mental Metaphor one way over another, and are there any connections between these two Mental Metaphor's?

So when I wrote my original post on March 1st that so accurately predicted the Fundie reaction to Gay Marriage, I was basing that understanding on my analysis that I can constructed with all my "Authoritarian Related" Mental Metaphor's. When the idea of explaining how I did that came up, I realized I needed a way to communicate these ideas in an English format. So I am translating metaphorical thought concepts based on self referenced ideas into English, which is not an easy task. I have to find ways to teach you all basic concepts that underlie the far more elaborate interactions between the sophisticated geometries and memories that are my Mental Metaphor's associated with Authoritarians. (How could you understand my description of the Cliven Bundy incident as a "Rapid Narrative Convergence Event" if you did not already understand what Narrative Convergence, and the Grand, Inner, and Outer Narrative's were?)

So I try to find Metaphors to describe my ideas that I think can be communicated. For instance, the above example of my internal ideas interacting with each other above, explaining that process is "Tugging on a few strands" of the "Gordian Knot" that "Schizophrenia twists things into". You see? That is my Communication Metaphor for the idea of needing to teach parts of my internal language before I can communicate my ideas.

So the next step in communicating these Mental Metaphor's is to call the metaphor up in my mind and then cross reference it with an extensive library of separate Mental Metaphor's meant to enable Communication to the outside. These Mental Metaphor are meant to represent past successes in communicating Concepts and reflect a working internal model of the majority of how Outside Minds have interlocution. A new metaphor is created, this one a Communication Metaphor meant to convey in simplest terms the rough outline of the idea the Mental Metaphor is meant to communicate. A good Communication Metaphor should appeal widely and be simple enough to be immediately grasped but with enough complexity that clarifying details can be added. The Communication Metaphor is constructed in such a way to communicate a little story while clarifying details are added as necessary. Let me give a good example of how this process works. I can walk you through this step by step.

Please consider my description of Compaction Cycle from earlier.

Compaction Cycle posted:

Compaction Cycle: The compaction cycle is a major factor in how Narrativist groups function and is my term for an unrecognized (but very important) constant low level cycling of individual Narrativists through a variety of different Narrativist groups. The compaction cycle is of primary importance because it describes the trend towards radicalization in Narrativist groups, and even provides something of a barometer than can be used to approximate the general pace of and anticipate when a Narrativist group is about to radicalize. That is to say, when you see a compaction Cycle play out you know the group is about to radicalize further. The more frequently that compaction cycles are occurring, the more rapidly a given Narrativist group is radicalizing. This cycle is also important because it is a major factor in how Narrativist groups build common ground with each other when they are looking for allies. (It also plays a large role in the cross pollination of various strings of Narrativist thought.) To explain this facet of Narrativist behavior I will call forth the metaphor of a snowball. Specifically, a snowball made of that wet slush poo poo that is right on the border between being frozen and being a puddle.

If you have never gotten a chance to play with such a snowball then let me elaborate. By snowball standards they are heavy, awkward projectiles that travel slowly and are easily dodged. Even when you do hit something with such a snowball, the effect is minimal, usually a wet *punt* sound. This snowball then is a metaphor for the average Narrativist group when it is not under pressure. Unwieldy, awkward, not terribly effective, but can still get the job done. Put a Narrativist group under the pressure of "Narrative Dysphoria" (Defined in detail elsewhere) though, and things change.

Let us return to our wet snowball. If you take it in both hands and compact it, you will squeeze out a surprising amount of water. You will then be left with an ice ball. Although much smaller and having less total mass, an ice ball is a nasty projectile. Fast, accurate, hard to see coming, and can leave a hell of a bruise. To take this example a bit further, if you drop your new ice all in a pile of snow and scoop it all up, you will now have slush ball with an ice ball core. A better projectile than you started with, but not as good as the ice ball by itself was. However, if you compact this new ball down, you will squeeze out the water, and be left with an even larger total amount of ice in a solid ball at the core. Now you are creating a dangerous weapon indeed. And you can keep adding on layers of ice so long as you have a supply of snow, eventually getting a baseball sized projectile of solid ice that can really gently caress something up. Even though you lose much mass every time you compact the ball down, as long as you have a snowbank handy to keep dipping your ice ball in, you can keep adding more total ice.

Now back to Narrativist groups. An average Narrativist group when not experiencing narrative dysphoria is like our slush ball. A mixture of hard and soft members, since when forming Narrativist groups are like an annoying new Multi-Level Marketing scam. "We welcome everyone and anybody can be a success if you just adhere to our Narrative!" They will accept anyone willing to pay lip service to the groups ideals and show up to meetings. When not under pressure or threatened, Narrativist groups are much more relaxed and make a conscious effort to be welcoming to outsiders (some of whom are then selectively groomed for admittance into the ever-present-in-Narrativist-organizations "inner circle").

All such groups when under pressure (particularly Narrative dysphoria) however, start to drive softer members out. Stress rises, tempers flare. Rhetoric becomes harsher, group identity becomes more important, aggressive members start to scrutinize for any perceived flaw in the tribe. Eventually someone (or a group of someones) finds themselves on the wrong side of an internal dispute. It could be that they are genuinely at fault, it could not be, doesn't really matter. In the end they were guilty of the sin of not spotting the group think searching for a scapegoat fast enough and as a result they became the scapegoat and are summarily driven out.

This idea can be seen to play out over time on the (in)famous conservative political discussion forum "FreeRepublic.com", hereafter referred to simply as "Freep". This discussion forum is notorious for the compaction cycles that play out like clockwork every Presidential election cycle. Once the website owner (a gentlemen by the name of Jim Robinson) publicly announces his preferred option for the nomination for Republican candidate for POTUS this is treated as an official announcement of support. From that point forwards the owner of Freep simply bans any member who speaks up in support of of another candidate or criticizes the candidate he has selected. The remaining users on Freep have observably become noticeably and steadily more radicalized over time as a result- and the standards of the community have gradually eroded over time to the point where open racism has gone from being verboten to being essentially the socially acceptable default stance.

Returning once again to our earlier metaphor- with the "softer" members (or water in our slushball) compacted out, the remaining members are more radical overall. While the overall mass, or number of members has decreased, the remaining members are the ones who have proven themselves to be the most competent at falling in line and will prove less likely to disagree with the group think in the future. They have become like the Ice Ball.

Next the Narrativist group will enter a growth phase, and seek to add new "softer" members (or more snow/slush) who will be welcomed in while a semi-secret inner circle not so publicly makes all the real decisions. This addition of new members will continue until the Narrativist group comes under pressure or is subjected to narrative dysphoria, at which point a new compaction cycle will form and another member (or potentially small group of members) will be made into scapegoats for the group's failures and cast out. (In the metaphor of our slushball, this is another round of compacting the water out of our slushball once again and winding up with an even larger core ball of ice.) The remaining members will become more extreme/radicalized, and will then seek to add new members to the group once again.

The metaphor does not end here though, because we need to consider what happens to those outcast members. Most of the time (85% or so if I had to guess) they will go on to join another group. Since they are Authoritarians they will join another group that also follows the Grand Narrative. (While I would like to mention that this is how you get 9-11 truthers that become UFO nuts that become Objectivist "Captains of Industry" and then wind up being 9-11 truthers again over the course of a long enough period of time, I want to stay mostly with the Freep example.) The Freep members that join some other online Conservative community will be quite a bit more shy about rocking the boat. They will be more sensitive and more alert for changes in their new home-tribes groupthink. They will find themselves drawn to the new groups hardliners and will become more hardline themselves. Often, abused becomes abuser, and when this Narrativist group finds itself under pressure, (particularly narrative dysphoria) the formerly outcast member will be among the most vicious attackers of whoever winds up as the new groups scapegoat.

The overall trend here is that Narrativist groups swap members more often than many realize, and one groups rejected softie becomes the next groups hardliner. Just like our slush ball, the weak are driven out and the ice remains, then more members are added and the cycle repeats until eventually everyone is either a hardliner or has stopped associating with Narrativist groups altogether. I feel this is a good explanation for what we observe in the modern GOP. In raw numbers GOP voters/supporters are in serious decline, but the remaining members are rapidly becoming radicalized. Because of the Authoritarian takeover of the GOP over the past 40 years the less hardcore Republicans are being pressed out of group after group until they either become hardliners themselves or find no home in the GOP.


Think of the Grand Narrative as a sort of basic format that the Inner narrative will take, a set of hooks that you could hang any Inner Narrative on. So the more compaction cycles a Narrativist experiences, the more developed their Inner narrative becomes, which inevitably leads to the Inner narrative conforming more and more with the basic structure of the Grand narrative. As the conceptual confines of the Grand Narrative are embraced as a consequence of Inner narrative evolution, the Narrativist is compelled to more extreme forms of anti-social behavior, until at the highest levels the Narrativist feels morally justified in committing acts of violence. Think of it as a hypothetical scale from 1-10, with 1 being the lowest level of compaction and 10 being the point at which there is a strong compulsion to engage in acts of violence. (This scale is meant as a conceptual rough approximation to illustrate this concept.) As a Narrativist experiences more compaction cycles, the compaction level of their Inner narrative rises in response. Put a Narrativist through enough compaction cycles and the resulting Inner narrative evolution eventually they will experience a strong compulsion to commit acts of violence.

I must specify here that just because a Narrativist reaches a 10 on my hypothetical scale it does not mean they will become violent; rather, it means that they feel morally justified and obligated to commit acts of violence. Whether they engage in those acts depends mostly on two factions: 1.) how much social stability is there in the community in which the Narrativist resides, and 2.) how much encouragement the Narrativist is receiving from communicating with other Narrativists who are at a similar level of compaction.


The Mental Metaphor of Compaction Cycle: "A series of large tinted glass bowls, each wide and holding about three gallons of liquid. Each bowl has a signifying color to designate its representation of a Authoritarian Group Cluster. The colors represent different groups, and some bowls have multiple colors (or patterns) to signify to intermixing and style of intermixing of certain Authoritarian Group Clusters. (Each bowl is hovering in midair and are not affected by gravity in this Metaphor) The bowls are connected through the bottom by a series of small plastic straws that slowly cycle the water between them. Of note is that these straws all pass through a cold zone that chills the water in them before emerging in the bottoms of other bowls. Each bowl contains an IceBerg floating majestically in it. In some bowls the Iceberg is huge, in others small, and in most fairly intermediate in shape. Some Icebergs have mini blizzards occurring in them, that cycle the snow and water up and down, but without moving between the bowls. Over time, water evaporates and leaves, but the Iceberg grows faster than that. The Iceberg keeps growing because the water cycling slowly through the bottom of the bowls through the straws keeps getting colder and making the icebergs grow."

Note that in this Mental Metaphor, not every rule of reality has to be directly applied, which is reflected. Let me explain what this Mental Metaphor is meant to communicate. Each bowl of water represents an Authoritarian group cluster, and the water represents people associated with the group, and the iceberg represents hardliners. The weather patterns in some bowls indicate that there is a cycle of creating hardliners that occurs completely self contained within just that cluster. (Ie a Fundamentalist Christian moving from church to church gradually joining more and more extreme ones). the water cycling the straws at the bottom of the bowls represents that constant low level cycling caused by internal group conflicts. Communicated here is the idea that one groups dispelled softliner, when joining another group, often lurks at the bottom contributing little for a long time before becoming a hardliner. (That particular bit of detail was lost in the translation to the slushball Metaphor) The chilling process of traveling through the straw is meant to represent the sense of isolation that eventually drives an Authoritarian to seek another group that conforms to the Grand Narrative to meet his psychological needs.and also leads to the iceberg gradually growing from below,where most of the growth is occurring anyways.( Another facet of this Mental Metaphor is the idea that the In group cycles are more dramatic and more visible but less overall in importance to the intergroup cycle, this detail was also lost to the slushball Communication Metaphor, but that was deemed acceptable).

So in explaining what I named the Compaction Cycle I had to create a Communication Metaphor to explain the Mental Metaphor associated with all my thoughts on the Compaction cycle. this is a time consuming process, but in this case the Slushball Metaphor emerged and it seems to have been one of the more effective thus far.





Later tonight I will go into more detail about the onset of my symptoms but I have to jet now. (So I guess this post is now a 3-parter instead of a 2-parter.)

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 18:49 on Jun 23, 2017

peanut
Sep 9, 2007


I like your slushball metaphor.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit
So my dear furbaby decided to sneak out and pick a fight with a raccoon this morning, jsut got back from the animal ER. She is going to be fine (she got very lucky, minor puncture wounds with no signs of infection) but its gonna be a bit before I have time to write the rest of this. Apologies thread.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 08:49 on Jun 24, 2017

Grognan
Jan 23, 2007

by Fluffdaddy

Prester Jane posted:

So my dear furbaby decided to sneak out and pick a fight with a raccoon this morning, jsut got back from the animal ER. She is going to be fine (she got very lucky, minor puncture wounds with no signs of infection) but its gonna be a bit before I have time to write the rest of this. Apologies thread.

Pets are good.

Zemyla
Aug 6, 2008

I'll take her off your hands. Pleasure doing business with you!

Prester Jane posted:

So my dear furbaby decided to sneak out and pick a fight with a raccoon this morning, jsut got back from the animal ER. She is going to be fine (she got very lucky, minor puncture wounds with no signs of infection) but its gonna be a bit before I have time to write the rest of this. Apologies thread.

Give your furbaby a hug for us.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

Grognan posted:

Pets are good.


Zemyla posted:

Give your furbaby a hug for us.



Thank you, she is doing much better now. She is a calico I got 2 years ago as an adult rescue (she was a feral kitten that had been captured and then kept in a cage by a very mentally ill man) and she means the world to me, the both of us have done so much to work through our PTSD together. She is however a very stubborn and intelligent little snot and she was introduced into being an indoor/outdoor cat before I became her owner and she sneaks outside whenever she can. Back in San Antonio where she is from there aren't too many animals that threaten a wild cat. Thankfully it looks like the (probably,. no way to know for certain) raccoon that got her wasn't interested in causing real damage. She has a bunch of very tiny puncture wounds on her back but no pus and no abscesses. God bless Portland because even as poor as I am I was able to find an animal hospital that would take her despite my financial situation (Dove Lewis, god bless them) and they even had a charity program to pay for treatment for cases like hers. (relatively little treatment needed, excellent prognosis).

The vets thoroughly cleaned the wound and gave me a couple prescriptions for her. She's been miserable and moody ever since she got home but I swear to you once I (after a not-insignificant struggle) managed to get some antibiotics and painkiller into her and put a warm compress on her back wound she purred the loudest I have ever heard her purr. I've been monitoring her water/food closely and she is eating and drinking, although not very much just yet.

Miss Raven is one of the few living creatures I will outright concede is more stubborn than I am (seriously, this cat knows exactly what it wants and how it wants it and will insist on getting its way for as long as it takes) so I feel confident she will pull through and make a full recovery.

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus


Don't have time to write up a full post, but as someone else who suffer from Mental Illness and lives in Texas, it shocks me to learn that you were able to find some form of help in this state. Or just that Austin sucks when it comes to mental health care for people that can't pay $300 a session out of pocket.

Motorola 68000
Apr 25, 2014

"Don't be nice. Be good."
After hearing about all the different types of people you could find at the facility you were staying at in Austin, who would you say was the most downright evil individual you have come into contact with? I hope the question is on topic and not inappropriate.

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus


Wizgot posted:

After hearing about all the different types of people you could find at the facility you were staying at in Austin, who would you say was the most downright evil individual you have come into contact with? I hope the question is on topic and not inappropriate.

Can't tell if this is directed at me or Prester Jane, but feel like I should answer just in case.

I would not say that anyone I ran across came across of straight up evil, I mean were they vindictive and tried to hurt anyone they could? Yeah there were a few of those, but mostly what I come across are people that had been trying to do it on their own for so long that it finally became too much for them. Be it from the stress of getting their PHD or PTSD from their service in Iraq/Afghanistan and they were thankfully saved by friends or strangers from successfully killing themselves.

The cops did drop a few people off at night though, most spent their time in the detox wing as they were arrested for trespassing or running through the streets naked and other things that seem like a good idea while high/drunk The other kind that got dropped off, were the homeless that either had destroyed their brain with drug abuse years ago or were just never gifted with much thinking skills to be begin with. These last ones were the ones that could be set off by the littlest thing and more often than not, would not be on our floor/wing for long before they either got transferred to jail or a more secure facility for their type of treatment.

The more secure facility I mention is nicknamed Ash, or the Ash, but it really is Austin State Hospital, and is not really a place you want to end up. I don't know if you ever stayed there Prester Jane, but from was described to me (mind you from individuals that were less than sane) is Ash is designed for the long term treatment/confinement. The kind of people whose minds had completely shattered and needed constant care to prevent them from eating their fingers, throwing their own poo poo at people as a sort of amusement. The kind of place you see portrayed in Hollywood as the worst possible place you would ever want to be.

During my stay, one person had to be transferred there due to his refusal to go to sleep and the deterioration of his mental state that led to. First it was just whatever room he was in had to have an open path around the edges of the room and he would move anything that prevented this. TV stands, coffee machines, water fountain, potted plant, you name it, it got moved. That was the first 24 hours, then it progressed to the path between his bedroom and the main lobby where we all hung out. People had started to catch on to what was going on so they would intentionally move their chairs to block him. Either he would stand there and just glare at them until he creeped them out enough they moved on their own, or he would go get fresh hot coffee and threaten to pour it on you. He would start with a drip as a warning and it only took 2 cups poured on someone before the chair blocking stopped. It was on his third day that poo poo got really off the rails, in that now it was not just his room and the main break room that needed to be walked, but every unlocked room he had access to, which is all of the inpatients rooms. Also as our bathroom areas did not have doors, he would walk the edges of the shower, while someone else was in there bathing. He got hit a few times for that one and the staff doctors were scared for his sake as well as others if this escalation continued. Not that he would have anywhere new to walk to, but who knows what else he might start doing. Needless to say that in the afternoon while we were eating lunch and he was walking like normal, he walked by one the locked staff only doors. Two orderlies popped out of the door grabbed him and then two more orderlies ran up with a needle and injected him with something and he was out like a light. They restrained him a bit and then walked him down stairs to waiting van. We were told after lunch that he had been transferred for more intensive treatment to Ash. Though while the orderlies were packing up his things from his room, it turned out he had been stealing quite a bit of stuff from everyone. Clothes mostly, though he was found with a few packs of clonazepam, still sealed, so this led to the entire ward being searched for any more contraband.

Following this incident is where I mentioned in another thread that the staff had determined it would be too cold to go out to smoke. Thought there was going to be a drat riot and someone was going to start busting out the smoke grenades and thorazine to get everything under control. The staff did eventually capitulate and agree to let the smokers out and an easy peace settled back over the ward.

I realize now, that my ambien fueled ramblings may have gone on longer than I intended, but there is still one person I want to talk about, as they were the one who made me realize mental illness can effect anyone and everyone. He was someone who came from extreme wealth and had been going to school at UT when signs of schizophrenia began to appear. Not wanting to let down his parents, he kept this fact from them and kept making good grades and all was well. Till it wasn't. The story he told us that when his room mate caught him having a debate with 2 other people at 4 am about if him killing himself would be something for the greater good of humanity. The only problem was, there were three seats at the table, but only one actually had someone sitting in it.

This guys stay was brief while I was there, but I found it so interesting that someone who seemed to have everything going from them, was sitting across from me at the lunch table arguing with the demonic and angelic visions in his mind about how the universe worked according to him. None of us ever got to hear the other side as he would not do the voices for them, but from what we could piece together is that whatever he was seeing would morph and change from light to dark to light again in the matter of a few seconds. So while he would having a nice conversation with the group, he would mention that the light told him we were all nice people and we were blessed. This at times would be followed up with him punching a nearby chair yelling at the dark for saying such hurtful and cruel things about us.

He was soon collected by his parents a couple of days later and all his paperwork was handed over to the new family psychiatrist/psychologist and he was flown home on the family's private jet. I only know this, because he wanted everyone to know these things and did not want to just leave and never say good bye.

To say that they were not impactful on me is a lie. Here is a person who had everything going for him, he deep down was a good person and seemed to want to only do good deeds, but to be afflicted with seemingly demonic whispers in his ears telling him to do the exact opposite and to think that he may never get to his dreams realized, still kind of sticks with me to this day.

Going to end this rant on a mixed note, but the way Mental Health is handled in America and other countries around the world is terrible and it is causing so much unneeded pain. Also Prester Jane if you are in Austin ever, I will buy you a drink, meal, clothes or whatever you need. Not wealthy by any means, but I don't mind helping out goons in need.

Motorola 68000
Apr 25, 2014

"Don't be nice. Be good."
The question was intended for Prester but a great response all the same. Thanks.

occamsnailfile
Nov 4, 2007



zamtrios so lonely
Grimey Drawer
I'm glad to hear your cat is doing better Prester. Also best of luck to you on your transition. Are you willing to talk about that process, and the difficulties of going through it in an environment such as the one you are in? I read some of your other writing about the construction of metaphors and trying to understand that mindset, it's quite interesting. Other peoples' heads will always ultimately be a mystery to us but trying to understand how people think is still important. Also, how many people have pets in Haven and in the homeless situation generally? I know some of the homeless folks around here have pets, almost always dogs at least that we can see, usually the younger ones.

That's another question: Do you perceive a generational/class/other divide in the homeless population? Each city is probably a little different in their own way but around me, there are the younger set who seem to be some combination of substance abusing/nomadic, to some degree homeless by choice (this is not a judgement--just that they often could shower up and return to society by the look of them, but they don't), a lot more women and pets in that group and they tend to travel in packs. They're not dangerous though they're sometimes a little obnoxious.

Then there're the older set, almost all men, almost all long-term homeless. They tend to be alone, more visibly destitute or obviously mentally ill. I'd guess they're more likely to be relics of the state hospital closures with nowhere left to go and no bridges left to burn.

I don't work with the homeless in my area closely, I just see them as I am walking; those are my observations.

PurpleButterfly
Nov 5, 2012
Tbis thread hasn't reached its full potential. What I would like to know is: What is it that makes Haven for Hope an experimental homeless shelter? Is it the two-sided setup? Is this a unique innovation among homeless shelters?

Watermelon Daiquiri
Jul 10, 2010
I TRIED TO BAIT THE TXPOL THREAD WITH THE WORLD'S WORST POSSIBLE TAKE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID AVATAR.
Or maybe just that it exists at all and doesn't involve bootstraps :sigh:

Grand Prize Winner
Feb 19, 2007


Hey Prester Jane! Did you do another version of this thread like 2-3 years ago? Wanted to show that one to my mom.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019

Grand Prize Winner posted:

Hey Prester Jane! Did you do another version of this thread like 2-3 years ago? Wanted to show that one to my mom.

I think it was more like 5+, when she was in or just out of Haven. I definitely remember reading it before she started the Narrativists thread.

Grand Prize Winner
Feb 19, 2007


Fuschia tude posted:

I think it was more like 5+, when she was in or just out of Haven. I definitely remember reading it before she started the Narrativists thread.

Holy poo poo, it was actually 4 or so and and I just forgot it'd been that long. The one I was thinking of started when she was still there. It was hard to track down (but I really don't have much to do today), so if she doesn't mind I'll post the link (legit I'm waiting for your permission on this one PJ).

Dennis McClaren
Mar 28, 2007

"Hey, don't put capture a guy!"
...Well I've got to put something!
Great thread OP. Highly accurate.

I grew up and live in San Antonio, and I remember when HfH was first built. I've volunteered serving food there a few times back in 2016.

The description in the OP about the "prospect" side is very true. Most homeless in San Antonio will take advantage of the prospect side, and never make it to the members living area. It is really your last resort living in South Texas on a hard day living on the streets to find some somewhat safe surroundings at night. But it is really horrible the type of depravity that happens there. For the most part, you are spending your night on the prospect side trying to sort out where you are going to score drugs the next day, or who you're going to steal from to get high.

I don't like to say this but I found it true after working there- it would honestly be smarter to spend your nights in county jail right down the street. At least in county jail the food is better, your indoors with a bed and private (well you and your cellie at least) bathroom, and for most petty crimes you get out in 24-48 hours. poo poo, most normal crimes you're out of there pretty quick too. So I also met a lot of homeless I know choose to spend the night in jail rather than go to Haven for Hope. That's just a perspective for you on how bad the courts are outside.

That being said, the members side is amazing. But very militant, like the OP states. But if you can put up with it, how incredible is it to go from completely homeless in the streets- to living in a paid apartment getting treatment in 1-2 years? Thats the incredible side of this place. But statistics show, very very very few individuals make it that far. It takes a lot of hardwork and effort that many of these homeless living with mental illnesses can't cope with. Thankfully, they have a lot of mental treatment officers on the members side too.

Shayl
Apr 11, 2007

Great thread Prester. I also have a mental illness (not that bad of one, honestly. All I needed was some pills and a bit of therapy and I'm good) but I'm happy to see you were able to find treatment and I'm really interested in what else you have to say about this place.

porkswordonboard
Aug 27, 2007
You should get that looked at

Just chiming in to say I'm also fascinated, Prester. I live in a city that struggles heavily with homelessness and addiction, and it's interesting to see an insider's perspective on the things some cities are doing to combat it and help those affected. It is clear you spend a lot of time on these posts and your storytelling and attention to detail makes it riveting. I've struggled with mental illness myself (like Shayl, to a lesser degree) and I'll definitely be lurking this thread at the very least. I hope your kitty continues to do well :3:

When you are up for it, my question is: how can those of us who are more fortunate contribute?

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

Grand Prize Winner posted:

Holy poo poo, it was actually 4 or so and and I just forgot it'd been that long. The one I was thinking of started when she was still there. It was hard to track down (but I really don't have much to do today), so if she doesn't mind I'll post the link (legit I'm waiting for your permission on this one PJ).

So writing this thread turned out to be more of an emotional journey than I was initially expecting, but that said I am going to try to answer some more questions here. Also it is perfectly fine for you to post the link to that thread, in fact its fine to quote any of my posts from that thread into here. (I will be moving a few over myself as soon as you post the link, I have lost it myself ol.)

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

Wizgot posted:

After hearing about all the different types of people you could find at the facility you were staying at in Austin, who would you say was the most downright evil individual you have come into contact with? I hope the question is on topic and not inappropriate.

You know I had to think about this for quite a while: I knew some odious individuals in PCY but in many cases I was able to think of a redeeming quality or two many of these individuals had. (an odious piece of poo poo who loves to rumor monger but can be trusted not to steal your poo poo is someone you want as a friend in PCY). So it was hard for me to label anyone I personally dealt with as outright evil as the worst individuals were out in places I very rarely ventured into. however one name springs to mind, and after thinking it over I am going to call Frank by his real name because seriously, gently caress that piece of poo poo.

So Frank is a person I would call legitimately evil, and the reasons why are somewhat complicated. More to do with the consequences of his selfishness and the targets he likes to prey upon. despite being only about 24 years old, 5'5 and 110 pounds, and baby faced to top it all off. Frank is a convicted pedophile who is (at least when I knew him) married to a 19 year old woman who is also a convicted pedophile. (I don't know what she did, but it was bad enough that New Jersey labeled her a sex-predator. She once told me "he told me he was 18" when the subject came up) This poor young woman is not from a great background, and has two children and an STD via Frank. Despite both living at PCY Frank abandoned his wife twice during my time at Haven. In both cases Frank abandoned his wife for teen girls that had been dropped off by shitheaded conservative parents who were trying to teach their rebellious daughter a lesson. Frank had an almost magical ability for finding these girls and becoming their best friend. (Seriously, it was loving bizarre.) With both of these other women Frank had a several month fling that ended with Frank passing on both his STD and his genes before abandoning them too.

Frank is every terrible stereotype about a mooching worthless parasite that contributes nothing to society and leaves only destruction in his wake. And he doesn't care in the slightest and loves to boast/brag about it. Frank would openly gloat at meals while he watched the women he had abandoned struggle with carrying his child to term. Frank is such a piece of poo poo that I once watched a friend of mine sucker punch Frank in PCY, only to be politely escorted out by the guards and given an overnight restriction- whereas for getting sucker punched Frank got thrown out for a week.

Seriously, gently caress Frank.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 19:38 on Sep 5, 2017

Grand Prize Winner
Feb 19, 2007


Prester Jane posted:

So writing this thread turned out to be more of an emotional journey than I was initially expecting, but that said I am going to try to answer some more questions here. Also it is perfectly fine for you to post the link to that thread, in fact its fine to quote any of my posts from that thread into here. (I will be moving a few over myself as soon as you post the link, I have lost it myself ol.)

Life in San Antonio's $111million Mega-Complex for the Homeless. - https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3559376

I think that's your first one, not sure. It's the first one I remember.

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

Grand Prize Winner posted:

Life in San Antonio's $111million Mega-Complex for the Homeless. - https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3559376

I think that's your first one, not sure. It's the first one I remember.

Yeah, that is my first one. I wrote that thread while I was still living on Members side and was still getting adjusted to my medication. At the time they had also misdiagnosed me with Asperger Syndrome and I was receiving a lot of encouragement from my therapist to join aspie groups in San Antonio, which is why I mention being autistic several times in that thread. (That diagnosis has since been changed, I am a very quirky girl but probably not autistic). I also still identified as male at the time and still had a considerable portion of my existence locked up as repressed memories.

Reading through that thread is strange for me at this point, almost like an out of body experience. I have changed so very much these last four years that in some ways its a bit hard to relate to who I was when I wrote that thread. I can remember sitting in members side and typing that entire thread up but right now it feels as if that all happened to someone else. Its as if the memories are mine but they belong to another identity. Everything about me has changed and moved on so far from the person I was when I wrote that thread that its hard for me to believe that it has only been four short years, it feels more like a decade has passed.

As I read over that thread I just came across the following passage wherein I write about how painful it was to lose the delusions that had propped my fantasy world together.. I wonder what a Buddhist would have to say about how my life has played out in the years since I wrote this?:

Prester Jane posted:

As far as the whole Destiny belief thing, I don't know if reality beats the certainty of a destiny out of most. I don't know if anything ever really makes the destiny belief go away. It is *still* something I struggle with. Despite everything that has happened in the past year, there is a part of me that *still* knows I have a grand destiny, that this is all connected and all leading up to something. This part of me is much quieter now, but may never go away fully. I am learning, slowly, to live with it. At times it is like possessing to rival viewpoints of reality, literal doublethink. On the one hand I am Prester John, mentally ill man living in a homeless shelter and trying to get on his feet. On the other hand I am *PRESTER JOHN*, evolved soul who has spent lifetimes fighting against the Illuminati, cleverly hiding myself as a homeless man while I prepare myself for the showdown with the forces of evil that secretly rule this planet. This other Prester urges me constantly to stop taking my meds, because they block my 6th sense and might cause me to miss out on my destiny.

If people are interested I could write up a detailed post about these two conflicting perceptions of reality and what its like trying to resolve them. I've intentionally gone into a bit with my Diagnosis tale, but there is still much ground I haven't covered. In the meantime, I'll share one story that kind of explains what this is like.

During my time in the Wellness Dorm I was in many ways a model resident. I didn't cause any problems, regularly attended my group sessions, adhered to my medication schedule, and made steady progress. There was one point however in which my behavior had alarmed the staff/my clinician and I was put under extra monitoring. (This was done subtly and without my knowledge, it was sort of a "keep a close eye on Prestor" kind of thing.) Within a period of a few days the color had drained out of my face, I had become pale and ashen. Although I was still attending groups, my participation had dropped to nil. I spent all my spare time sleeping and rarely ate. My weigh dropped noticeably. I stopped all my usual hobbies and stopped going outside almost entirely. When questioned about my sudden change, all I would say is I was having a "crises of faith".

The cause of this my behavior is a bit complicated, and goes back to this dual minded idea. Over the years, as I had built up this secret identity, I had also built up a repertoire of music that helped bring it out. Certain songs, certain bands, made me connect very strongly to this Prester that felt he was destined for greater things. I thought of it as connecting with my "higher consciousness". I could always listen to these songs and just know, deep within myself that it was all going to be allright, that it was all leading somewhere and all my struggles had a reason to them. I could feel deep in myself the certainty of my destiny, I could think clearly about being an enlightened soul in such harsh times. It was an important pressure release for me, an escape into the fantasy if you will. I could shut out everything else when I listened to this music and just focus on being the perfect, spiritually attuned being that I knew I really was. If I really focused I could even catch glimpses of my own future, certain "knowings" that would hit me like a thunderbolt. It was like connecting to God with a capital G.

It was this mental state I always went to when things were too stressful, or when I was facing a really hard decision. I felt like I received guidance when I really tuned into my higher consciousness through this music. It was the only time I felt like I could communicate with the forces that were secretly in charge of my life. It was my own form of spirituality, and it was incredibly important to me.

When I left Ohio I had left my laptop behind with a friend, fearing (rightly) that it would probably get stolen in PCY. When I moved over to the Wellness dorm though, my friend mailed my laptop to me after about a month. I had been without my music the entire time, because I wanted to wait until I had *my* laptop and *my* headset along with plenty of time to really tune into this higher state. As soon as I received my laptop I unpacked it, set it up, logged into my spotify account, and went right to the playlist that had all of this music. I hit play and kicked back, expecting the music to take me to that better place.

Except that nothing happened.

Not only did I not connect with my favorite music, I didn't even like it anymore. These songs had gone from my pathway to the truth, to kind of boring and repetitive. I didn't tell anyone, but I was distraught. I believed that by taking the medication I had damaged my "third eye" (pineal gland) and had cut myself off from higher consciousness. It was like not being able to hear the voice of God anymore. Not only that, it meant I was now just like everybody else. I didn't have this special, secret connection anymore. I didn't have secret insight into the truth of events around me. I was now boring and mundane.

I became distraught. I was in a deep, uncaring funk. It lasted for a few weeks. It still bothers part of me to this day.

I had completely forgotten about ever writing this or much of the struggle I went through in letting those delusions go. (My therapist and I worked for months on that issue alone.) When I wrote all of this the ideas for the Narrativist Framework were just starting to be developed during my counseling sessions. And then the last four years happened.

Basically in releasing my connection to the delusions that fed my oversized ego/accepting myself for who I really am I gained some version of the insight I had spent so much time fantasizing over. Further, during the time I was letting go of the fantasy that I had a great destiny to lead a war against hidden forces the closet Nazis from my childhood seized control of the country.

Anyone know of a good word for weapons grade irony of this level? Because brother I got nothin.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 17:52 on Sep 6, 2017

Desdinova
Dec 16, 2004
I had to be on my toes, like a midget at a urinal!
Hey PJ, been through similar, sorta been told and believe that if you come off the meds then the connection will be there again. I don't think that connection is lost, just that it gets dampened by certain chemicals we get told to ingest. Hypocrite that I am, for I too am on meds for similar.

viral spiral
Sep 19, 2017

by R. Guyovich
Just wanted to say the OP is probably one of the strongest people out there ever for surviving something not only like homelessness, but getting stable afterwards. I say that as someone who's had to live on a beach in South Florida for a month.

It really is vomit-inducing thinking about how America treats it's most vulnerable citizens. I didn't even know states like Texas gave a gently caress about homeless people with shelters at all. The parts about the homeless gangs preying on other homeless people is loving terrifying, OP.

And you really witnessed some religious suburban parents drop off their teenage daughter at the Haven in order to "teach her a lesson"? Holy gently caress. Did she make it out unscathed?

porkswordonboard
Aug 27, 2007
You should get that looked at

Super fascinating thread, Prester. I can't remember if this has been covered, but what's your experience or opinion of homeless people who have pets? I know many facilities don't allow them, and it seems to me to be very hard to pin down whether it's a pro/con. On one hand, if you have a dog, you have built-in protection (or perceived protection), and you might have had your dog when housed and aren't willing to hand it over to the system, which may euthanize/abuse it/you never see your friend again. On the other hand, it may complicate housing and keep you from taking the next step. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on the subject.

Additionally, I found it really interesting to read about your accounts with your mental illness and the way you view/had viewed your reality. I have a friend who recently discovered she has Aphantasia, or the inability to imagine. It's insane to think that when you say "imagine you're on a beach" it's completely alien to her. She knows what a beach is, can identify it, but has zero ability to "see" it in her head. Just another way we're all different, and something she didn't realize until her late 20's. If you're interested you can read about it here http://www.bbc.com/news/health-34039054 and through other sources. Brains are loving weird!

Prester Jane
Nov 4, 2008

by Hand Knit

viral spiral posted:

The parts about the homeless gangs preying on other homeless people is loving terrifying, OP.

The reality is that police generally aren't going to bother investigating homeless-on-homeless crime(or crimes perpetrated against homeless people), so homeless people are the safest targets for all varieties of human predators. (As one woman said during m time in PCY "If you homeless then unless you(r) death makes the evening news the police don't give a gently caress.")

quote:


And you really witnessed some religious suburban parents drop off their teenage daughter at the Haven in order to "teach her a lesson"? Holy gently caress. Did she make it out unscathed?

That memory still burns actually. She was swooped up within hours by one of the most notorious pieces of human refuse in PCY- a scumbag named "Frank"(actual name because seriously gently caress Frank). Frank had fathered and abandoned a half dozen kids by nearly as many women and was known to be positive for several STD's. Within three months she was pregnant with Frank's seventh and addicted to heroin.

That poor kid never had a chance, she was totally unprepared for the kinds of predators that inhabited PCY. I feel such survivors guilt about her too because when I was her age I would have been entirely too naive to have survived PCY as well. It's so goddamned unfair that her parents just dropped off someone that innocent into a place where there are zero loving barriers between you and the absolute bottom of the abyss. She was ripped to shreds and there was nothing anyone could do about it- Frank was a sophisticated sociopath and knew how to take advantage of her trust.

I tried to warn her about Frank early on in their relationship- it did not go well and I don't blame her for not believing some rando in PCY over the man she believed was her fated soulmate (lost her virginity to him) and she thought of as her white knight in this horrible loving place. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.

When I was being raised around Evangelical cults there were all sorts of apocryphal stories about "tough love" turning around rebellious teens and the like. Dropping 18+ year olds off at homeless shelters (where they inevitably found Jesus and came crawling back like a good prodigal child) was one of the more frequent formats of these bullshit stories. At this point in my life I genuinely don't know how I would react if someone started telling one of those "tough love" stories around me, but I would probably not react well.

porkswordonboard posted:

Super fascinating thread, Prester. I can't remember if this has been covered, but what's your experience or opinion of homeless people who have pets? I know many facilities don't allow them, and it seems to me to be very hard to pin down whether it's a pro/con. On one hand, if you have a dog, you have built-in protection (or perceived protection), and you might have had your dog when housed and aren't willing to hand it over to the system, which may euthanize/abuse it/you never see your friend again. On the other hand, it may complicate housing and keep you from taking the next step. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on the subject.

I am of the opinion that homeless shelters should have room for animals as well (Members side had a pretty good sized animal shelter for its residents) because of what a pet represents to most of the homeless people who have them. Homelessness is an extremely stressful 24/7 survival situation that is defined by prolonged deprivation in conjunction with exposure to the elements. For many homeless people their pet is the singular living thing that they have any connection to at all. It is the one healthy relationship they have with a living being. The one thing they have in their life to be affectionate with. For many homeless people who have pets taking care of that pet is the only form of structure and normalcy they have in their entire existence. Their pet is their reason to hope, their reason to not get addicted, their reason to make sure they take their meds. A human under extreme duress needs a reason to live, and some homeless people find that reason in taking care of their pets.

These are people whose brains are locked into survival mode and their pet is often quite literally their only true friend. You can't ask a human being in that situation to just give up and/or have put to sleep the only living thing they have cared about for years. It has been my experience that until they are at deaths door and forced to admit they can't survive out on the streets anymore they will choose their pet over a shelter 99.9% of the time.

Prester Jane fucked around with this message at 05:10 on Dec 24, 2017

porkswordonboard
Aug 27, 2007
You should get that looked at

I completely agree. I work with animals every day and I know exactly how important they are to mental wellbeing. I also have my own mental issues and good god, that unconditional love is so loving important. I know some victims of partner abuse refuse to leave because they fear for the life of the animal they love, and it's tragic to deny them (and the pet) safe haven because of lack of care to this issue. You have to wonder about how many more people would be more prepared to leave a dangerous situation if they knew their pet could come with them, or people who could move to safe housing to care for their animal rather than be forced onto the street to save both of their lives.

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Caufman
May 7, 2007
Belated thanks for updating, Jane.

Giving people pet therapy is a positive no-brainer. I think it has to do with how pets respond to our mental illnesses, which is with the same animal affection they have for us which is distinct to pets. It seems so likely that pets and their humans mutually live longer and better together.

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