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TheAlphaChaser
May 12, 2013
Hey guys I know this is going to be an annoying text but SPC Jones got a DUI this afternoon so I need a 100% up ASAP and a by-hour timeline of your 4th of July plans then we have 100% accountability at the Company Area tomorrow at 0600. Enjoy your holiday.

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UP THE BUM NO BABY
Sep 1, 2011

by Hand Knit
PFC Hayes didn't report to staff duty, I need a volunteer to take his shift today. If I don't hear from somebody in the next ten minutes we'll have a 100% accountability formation at the company.

boop the snoot
Jun 3, 2016

1SGT: IF YOU GUYS GET WASTED AND NEED A RIDE, I DON'T GIVE A poo poo IF YOU CALL ME, JUST GET HOME SAFE, HOOAH??

PSG: If any of you fuckers call the 1sgt I'll smoke the poo poo out of you for a week. Call me if you need to, but don't loving call the 1sgt.

SL: Don't loving call the PSG. Call your battle buddy, if he doesn't answer call your TL, if he doesn't answer call me.

TL: Don't bother the goddamn SL with your dumbass drunk taxi-needing crybaby bullshit. Call your battle buddy and then call me. Or call a loving cab. If you don't have money for a cab, staff duty has money for a cab.

*Gets drunk with every battle buddy.*

*Calls TL, SL, PSG multiple times and gets no answer.*

*Lost wallet, can't get cash. Calls staff duty, cab fund is empty because it's a four day weekend and everyone already exhausted it an never paid back.*

*DUI*

WHY DIDN'T YOU loving CALL SOMEBODY???? OH YOU DIDN'T CALL THE 1SGT??? WHY THE gently caress NOT????

(This is a true story, though not my story.)

boop the snoot fucked around with this message at 17:03 on Jul 4, 2017

Kawasaki Nun
Jul 16, 2001

by Reene
I remember my first beer

CRUSTY MINGE
Mar 30, 2011

Peggy Hill
Foot Connoisseur
I remember my first soju bowl.

Until I stood up. All black after that.

Larry Parrish
Jul 9, 2012

you could use a skill check to grab somebody, which basically stunned them, but they'd wiggle out quickly. So you wuld simply have sex with them, locking you both into the action for upwards of 5 minutes if the top was good at sex. In group PVP this was the ultimate strategy for locking down one guy

TBeats posted:

1SGT: IF YOU GUYS GET WASTED AND NEED A RIDE, I DON'T GIVE A poo poo IF YOU CALL ME, JUST GET HOME SAFE, HOOAH??

PSG: If any of you fuckers call the 1sgt I'll smoke the poo poo out of you for a week. Call me if you need to, but don't loving call the 1sgt.

SL: Don't loving call the PSG. Call your battle buddy, if he doesn't answer call your TL, if he doesn't answer call me.

TL: Don't bother the goddamn SL with your dumbass drunk taxi-needing crybaby bullshit. Call your battle buddy and then call me. Or call a loving cab. If you don't have money for a cab, staff duty has money for a cab.

*Gets drunk with every battle buddy.*

*Calls TL, SL, PSG multiple times and gets no answer.*

*Lost wallet, can't get cash. Calls staff duty, cab fund is empty because it's a four day weekend and everyone already exhausted it an never paid back.*

*DUI*

WHY DIDN'T YOU loving CALL SOMEBODY???? OH YOU DIDN'T CALL THE 1SGT??? WHY THE gently caress NOT????

(This is a true story, though not my story.)

Does the army not really have the AADD equivalent or whatever those volunteer nerds are called

Cenen
Apr 7, 2011
Forgot what base it was but there is/was an Air Force base that was considering getting rid of its ADD program since their # of DUI incidents had dropped so much....

boop the snoot
Jun 3, 2016

Cenen posted:

Forgot what base it was but there is/was an Air Force base that was considering getting rid of its ADD program since their # of DUI incidents had dropped so much....

well in 2017 life expectancy is at an alltime high so we're gonna say gently caress healthcare so that's just keeping with the times imo

FIDEL CASHFLOW
Oct 13, 2009

Cenen posted:

Forgot what base it was but there is/was an Air Force base that was considering getting rid of its ADD program since their # of DUI incidents had dropped so much....

then some other noble down the line could take credit for reducing the number of DUIs by instituting a new revolutionary ADD program

A Bad Poster
Sep 25, 2006
Seriously, shut the fuck up.

:dukedog:
"Alright, the MPs are getting too many calls about drunk and disorderly conduct at the barracks. Let's ban alcohol there, that'll solve the problem."

2 months later: "Why the hell have DUIs off post gone up 450%?"

Larry Parrish
Jul 9, 2012

you could use a skill check to grab somebody, which basically stunned them, but they'd wiggle out quickly. So you wuld simply have sex with them, locking you both into the action for upwards of 5 minutes if the top was good at sex. In group PVP this was the ultimate strategy for locking down one guy

A Bad Poster posted:

"Alright, the MPs are getting too many calls about drunk and disorderly conduct at the barracks. Let's ban alcohol there, that'll solve the problem."

2 months later: "Why the hell have DUIs off post gone up 450%?"

They got rid of dry dorms while I was at Travis and I remember at least one retarded SNCO dreading the future DUI increase since ADD wasn't as busy

Naked Bear
Apr 15, 2007

Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde
gently caress you SSG B you fat bitch

UP THE BUM NO BABY
Sep 1, 2011

by Hand Knit

CHICKEN SHOES posted:

gently caress you SSG B you fat bitch

Syrian Lannister
Aug 25, 2007

Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.


Sugartime Jones

CHICKEN SHOES posted:

gently caress you SSG B you fat bitch

Mike-o
Dec 25, 2004

Now I'm in your room
And I'm in your bed


Grimey Drawer

CHICKEN SHOES posted:

gently caress you SSG B you fat bitch

EBB
Feb 15, 2005

charge your phone

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
test your old sgt thats still in "i just got a dui" then stop responding

edit: do this from someone else's phone

Naked Bear
Apr 15, 2007

Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!
Protip: you can create additional phone numbers with Google Voice.

Zeris
Apr 15, 2003

Quality posting direct from my brain to your face holes.

Reverand maynard posted:

test your old sgt thats still in "gently caress you if you're still in" then stop responding

edit: do this from someone else's phone

boop the snoot
Jun 3, 2016

Reverand maynard posted:

test your old sgt thats still in "i just got a dui" then stop responding

edit: do this from someone else's phone

several months ago a friend of mine who had recently got out got a mass text from his "new" squad leader who somehow got his number and told the whole squad to get to the company asap.

he responded with "i'm drunk as gently caress and you're a bitch"

squad leader flipped out and was threatening to gently caress up the entire squad until everyone else in the group text told him the deal.

Larry Parrish
Jul 9, 2012

you could use a skill check to grab somebody, which basically stunned them, but they'd wiggle out quickly. So you wuld simply have sex with them, locking you both into the action for upwards of 5 minutes if the top was good at sex. In group PVP this was the ultimate strategy for locking down one guy
Lol

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Mike-o
Dec 25, 2004

Now I'm in your room
And I'm in your bed


Grimey Drawer

TBeats posted:

he responded with "i'm drunk as gently caress and you're a bitch"

New army thread title, please?

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