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I grew up as an only child with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother. Both also smoked lots of weed, and my father was the stay-at-home parent so chaos was the norm. Somehow I grew up rather normal, I excelled in school and once I got into college I had hoped to get my feet under me as an adult and go back to work on my personal relationships with both parents. My father died of a heart attack at the age of 42, when I was a freshman in college, so I never got that chance with him. I recognize the resentment I feel towards my mother for enabling his terrible life choices, and not protecting me from the daily chaos of my childhood. I am raising kids of my own now and do everything I can to keep their childhoods relatively chaos-free, no more than normal. My husband and I don't fight in front of the kids, we drink socially but rarely to excess and never drugs. Over the past 2 days, my husband's cousin had been missing. The family had met to spread his mother's ashes and the cousin went on a bender and didn't come back. Apparently it's not that unusual for him to be out all night, but it was unusual for him not to make it home in the morning. A full 36 hours after he disappeared he turned up in a motel room, sobering up with a story about getting drunk and being given hallucinogens. His wife and kids were a mess, a day they were to spend exploring tidal pools they spent sitting by the phone waiting for news from the cops. And the family that was there to celebrate his mother's life was left to worry about his well-being. I would chalk his behavior up to grief if it was a one-off. But we've been in their presence over the years and heard the fights, and he often drinks specifically to get drunk. His two kids are turning out great (so far) but having been in that kind of chaos before I recognize some of their coping methods and worry they may harbor that same resentment I have with dealing with childhood chaos. We live a few states away, so we only see them once or twice a year, but I'm worried about how this is affecting their kids. And him being the stay-at-home parent with chaotic tendencies, I can see some of the parallels to my own childhood. So my question is - do I butt out of it or do I say something? Who do I say something to? I was thinking of reaching out to his wife and sharing my story, hoping she might recognize the resentment I feel with my mom might be something her kids develop towards her. But, who the gently caress am I to pass judgement? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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Jun 30, 2017 00:50
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 10:46 |
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You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Don't insert your own past and issues with your dad into their lives, especially from a distance. You will not help.
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Jun 30, 2017 01:50
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I am not an expert in chaotic or traumatic childhoods, but it sounds like you have great questions to bring to one. Objectively, I'd want to know what they say in these situations. I'm comfortable saying that you have the freedom to speak your peace to whomever you want, and you have the freedom to get good counsel. Ultimately, you have the freedom and obligation to protect your circle of loved ones, your true family. Do what you're called to do, and do it well.
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Jun 30, 2017 13:48
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If you don't have a close personal relationship with these people then I truly doubt that anything you say will make a difference, and if it pisses them off it could potentially make things worse. I mean, can you sit down with this woman and say "listen, you trust me right? then please listen to what I have to say with an open mind." and be confident that she will take you seriously? If not then you'd basically be doing it to make yourself feel better, which doesn't automatically make it wrong, but I wouldn't go in with high hopes of actually accomplishing anything.
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Jun 30, 2017 20:26
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Basebf555 posted:If you don't have a close personal relationship with these people then I truly doubt that anything you say will make a difference, and if it pisses them off it could potentially make things worse. I mean, can you sit down with this woman and say "listen, you trust me right? then please listen to what I have to say with an open mind." and be confident that she will take you seriously? If not then you'd basically be doing it to make yourself feel better, which doesn't automatically make it wrong, but I wouldn't go in with high hopes of actually accomplishing anything. Pretty much this. The post begins, not with concern for anyone else, but with you talking about your own problems. It seems like you only really care because this reminds you of them.
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Jul 1, 2017 02:08
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have you seen my baby posted:Pretty much this. The post begins, not with concern for anyone else, but with you talking about your own problems. It seems like you only really care because this reminds you of them. It was more laying a foundation that I have experience with chaos, specifically alcohol/drug abuse, and I have perspective on how that affected me as a child and how it affected my relationship with my parent(s) today. I'm not coming at this from a vanilla perspective with no idea what I'm talking about, I have lived through the things I see happening and I was asking for advice on if/how to prevent the kids from going through what I went through. It turns out that on their long drive home across two states, the cousin started having paranoid delusions similar to what he experienced on drugs a few days ago. He's either having a mental break or he already had mental health issues and might have been using alcohol/drugs to mask or cope. We will check in with the family once they get home and settled back into their lives in the hopes they are getting the professional help he needs.
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Jul 1, 2017 07:25
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have you seen my baby posted:Pretty much this. The post begins, not with concern for anyone else, but with you talking about your own problems. It seems like you only really care because this reminds you of them. I would not leap to conclusions about the OP's motives. The OP is thinking about the kids in this situation, who are the OP's kin by marriage, and the OP has a right to look out for them. If you cannot change an unwilling, irresponsible adult, then leave that task to Jesus. But kids should get support from the older generation, not chaos. ** VorpalBunny, not knowing the details, my best understanding of your situation is this. You know what it's like to be disappointed or angry with a father. You also know what it's like to do better than that father ever could. If you did not accomplish this alone, you're uniquely qualified to share your personal experience with someone you have serious ties with who legitimately might be in a situation like you were in, like your cousin's kids. It Gets Better uses this same principle. Caufman fucked around with this message at 11:59 on Jul 1, 2017 |
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Jul 1, 2017 09:01
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VorpalBunny posted:So my question is - do I butt out of it or do I say something? Who do I say something to? I was thinking of reaching out to his wife and sharing my story, hoping she might recognize the resentment I feel with my mom might be something her kids develop towards her. But, who the gently caress am I to pass judgement? If you can weather this kind of storm, I see no reason why you shouldn't reach out and see if you can help. It depends on what the fallout is if it goes horribly wrong. If everyone will see through the bullshit, proceed. If not, proceed with caution. Edit: don't share the part where you hate the enabler, share the part where you wish the enabler had been strong enough to do the right thing.
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Jul 2, 2017 00:48
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 10:46 |
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It sounds like you are mostly concerned about the wife and her enabling causing the kids to have a bad childhood like you did. But isn't the real villain of the piece the guy who is drinking too much? Could you offer sympathy to her, rather than anger and blame for being an enabler like your mother? Perhaps you could practice the phone call with a trusted friend to see if you can express sympathy and experience rather than use her as a substitute for the anger you feel at your mother. Think of the loving advice you wish your mother would have received, rather than the anger you feel at the results.
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Jul 5, 2017 15:38
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