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KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

HUSS
HUSS
HUSS


HELLO THE FORUMS FAVORITE WRESTLER TOURNAMENT IS GOING ON NOW: https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3826085



____________________________

Great Balls of Fire(lol) results

WWE Universal Championship Match
Brock Lesnar defeated Samoa Joe with the F5 to retain his title.

"IMPROMPTU MATCH"
Heath Slater defeated Curt Hawkins off screen.

Ambulance Match
Braun Strowman defeated Roman Reigns when he ducked a spear and Roman flew into the Ambulance. Roman was pissed and attacked Braun after the match, loaded him into the ambulance, then crashed it into a trailer. Roman walked off disgusted in himself as Kurt Angled called 911 to get Braun out of the wreck. There was an impromptu match that happened while they tried helping Braun. They eventually get a door off the ambulance and Braun is a bloody mess. He shoves medics away and staggers away bleeding all over the place.

WWE Intercontinental Title Match
The Miz defeated Dean Ambrose to retain his title. Bo cheap shotted Dean for Miz to win.

WWE Raw Women's Championship Match
Sasha Banks defeated Alexa Bliss via count out when Alexa refused to get back in the ring. Sasha beat down Alexa after the match.

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Iron Men Match
Sheamus & Cesaro defeat The Hardy Boyz with 4 points to 3.
- Sheamus got a flash pin off a Brogue Kick at the start 1-0
- Jeff was pinned off the assisted White Noise 2-0
- Jeff pinned Cesaro off a Twist of Fate 2-1
- Matt got thrown into a ring post outside to get counted out 3-1
- Matt and Jeff double team pinned Cesaro 3-2
- Matt pinned Sheamus with a Twist of Fate 3-3
- Jeff hit the Swanton on Sheamus but Cesaro covered Jeff 4-3. Matt was bleeding heavily.

Big Cass squashed Enzo Amore

Bray Wyatt defeated Seth Rollins

Pre-Show Kick-Off Match: WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Neville defeated Akira Tozawa via pinfall with a kick in the stomach to retain his title.

____________________________

BATTLEGROUND July 23rd

WWE Championship Punjabi Prison Match
Jinder Mahal(c) w/ The Singh Brothers vs. Randy Orton

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
The Usos(c) vs. The New Day

Flag Match
John Cena vs. Rusev

US Championship Match???
AJ Styles(c) vs. Kevin Owens

____________________________

Raw Results

Big Cass came out and cut a promo about how he destroyed Enzo last night. He said he is shooting to the top and is untouchable because he's the biggest baddest man in WWE. Big Show comes out and kicks his rear end.

Finn Balor defeats The Drifter Elias Sampson

The Hardyz cut a promo about not being obsolete and are just getting started in WWE. Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows come out and talk down the Hardyz and then get challenged to a match.

Gallows and Anderson defeat The Hardyz. Afterwards the Revival attack the Hardyz and lay them out.

Miz is out here hosting the Mizzies, his own award show. He has 3 awards and the first award is best supporting actor and its a tie and goes to Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel. Both give speeches about Miz raising them up out of obscurity. The 2nd award is Best Leading lady and its obviously Maryse. They begin crying and talk about how much they love each other. The last award is for Miz himself, he instead reads Dean Ambrose to shock but he's only kidding. Miz then puts himself over. Dean Ambrose comes out to attack Miz and is swarmed by the Miztorage. Seth Rollins comes out for the save and him and Ambrose run the Miztorage off.

Backstage Ambrose confronts Seth Rollins and tells him to stay out of his business. Ambrose says he doesn't trust Rollins and he ruined that and their friendship. He tells him there will be no Shield reunion ever. Seth tells him he was just tired of Miz running his mouth and Ambrose says he's just some sort of protector all of a sudden and leaves.

Bayley and Sasha Banks defeat Alexa Bliss and Nia Jax when Bayley pins Alexa.

Goldust cuts his directors promo on R-Truth.

Goldust defeats R-Truth.

Kurt Angle is out to give a health update on Braun Strowman. Angle says there is no estimated return time for Braun Strowman's serious injuries. Angle then asks for Brock Lesnar to come out. Angle congratulates Lesnar and brings up their history together. Angle says he has an idea for Lesnar's challenger at SummerSlam and Heyman says he didn't come here for that, however Roman Reigns comes out and gets in Lesnar's face. Roman says he demands a title match and Angle says he has no right being in the ring after what he did last night to Braun. Roman tells them both to shut up because they came from the Attitude Era where that was something they did regularly. Roman says he got rid of Strowman because Angle could handle it and Brock was never around to handle him. Samoa Joe comes out and tries to pick a fight with Brock and Roman. Lesnar says neither men deserve a title shot and Heyman agrees that Joe doesn't, but retiring Undertaker does. Angle says next week it will be Roman vs. Joe for the number 1 contendership unless they fought right now. The crowd egged on a fight and Angle had to separate both men. After this Corey Graves got a text and left the announce booth to talk to Angle.

Kurt Angle is getting blackmailed still. Both Corey and Angle know and Kurt says this is going to ruin his career and his family. Angle says he has nothing else to do but come clean next week about his big secret.

Akira Tozawa and Cedric Alexander defeat Neville and Noam Dar.

Seth Rollins is interviewed about saving Dean Ambrose tonight. He says he took his eye off Bray and attacked Miz because he was tired of him running his mouth, not because he wanted to save and reunite with Ambrose. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo about being furious that Seth would dare meddle with other people and not take him serious. He is going to teach Seth a lesson.

Bray Wyatt defeats Seth Rollins. Miz and his entourage come out and beat up Seth Rollins. Dean Ambrose comes out for the save with a chair and runs them off.

Raw ends with Angle inviting someone to Raw next week to announce his secret. He tells them he loves them and it doesn't seem to be a family member as they are worried about being revealed to the world as well.

____________________________

Smackdown Results
  • A video recap showed AJ Styles winning the US Title at the Madison Square Garden house show.

  • AJ came out and reinstituted the US Open Challenge. John Cena was the first to answer the challenge and AJ was more than happy to accept it. Just as the match was scheduled to start, Kevin Owens showed up to claim that nobody wanted to see this match (EVERYBODY wanted to see it) and he wanted HIS title back. Rusev jumped Cena from behind as he was doing a promo on Owens. AJ saved Cena but got taken out by Owens, and Rusev joined him in attacking the faces.

  • Jinder Mahal defeated Tye Dillinger in a non-title match. Tye got some offense in, but Jinder won dominantly without his usual Singh brother interference template. Jinder did a promo afterwards that was slightly different to his usual schtick, and seemed a bit more comfortable in his position.

  • Xavier Woods defeated Jey Uso in a singles match. Jimmy Uso, BIG E and Kofi were kicked out by Lil Naitch for getting involved. Xavier won shortly after following a top rope elbow to Jey who was hung up in the ropes.

  • Naomi approached Shane backstage to ask who the next challenger for her title would be, and it better not be Lana. The rest of the women's roster showed up to demand their spot, and Shane announced Becky, Charlotte, Tamina, Nattie and Lana would have a 5-way at Battleground and the winner would get the shot against Naomi. Shane broke up an argument over Lana's inclusion by announcing Tamina and Nattie would face Charlotte and Becky in a tag match tonight.

  • Carmella brought a letter from her attorney to Shane demanding Ellsworth be reinstated. Shane read the letter then tore it up.

  • Renee interviewed Baron Corbin about his failed attack on Nakamura the week before. Corbin said he is afraid... afraid of what he will do to Nakamura.

  • Shinsuke vs Baron broke down into a brawl before it could even get started, spilling out into the crowd. Officials raced down to ringside to break them up but they kept fighting. Nakamura got into the ring and motioned to Corbin to bring it, but he just grabbed his briefcase and stormed out.

  • Tamina pinned Charlotte to win the match for her and Nattie over Charlotte and Becky. Lana distracted Charlotte allowing Nattie to get in a blind tag, so Tamina could blindside Charlotte as she was trying to submit Nattie.

  • Maria went looking for Sami Zayn, and told a confused Chad Gable to tell him the First Lady of Smackdown was looking for him. When Sami found her she was giggling with Mike. Maria demanded an apology and he reminded her he'd already apologized twice. He pointed out they were actually in HIS way when he had matches to go to, then asked if Mike was the lover and Maria was the fighter. Maria slapped Sami and then handed Mike the vase of flowers which he hit Sami over the head with.

  • The Fashion Police did a take on Walker: Texas Ranger as "Sexy Fashion Rangers", dressing up as cowboys and doing an opening credits sequence featuring Chuck Norris. Fandango rode in on a hobby horse and distracted Zack Ryder so Breeze could wrap him up in the lasso of truth, but ended up tying himself up and admitting he wears a bra when undercover because "I'm not a hippy". The Hype Bros insisted they weren't the ones attacking them and left. The hobby horse had disappeared, and Breezango suspected it might be Ghosts, Aliens, or Ghost Aliens.

  • AJ and Cena defeated Owens and Rusev in a tag match main event. Both spent lengthy time getting worked over by the heels, but worked in unison to take out first Rusev and then Owens to set up Cena getting the pin on Owens.

  • AJ and Cena faced off momentarily looking at AJ's US Title, then Cena raised AJ's hand and they posed to the crowd to end the show.

Somebody fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2017 around 02:01

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VJeff
Jun 2, 2011

#HEKNOWS
#SCOOPS
#IGNOREMYPOSTS


Kurt's having an affair with Dixie Carter, I'm willing to toxx myself on this.

Raskolnikov38
Mar 3, 2007

We were somewhere around Manila when the drugs began to take hold



Raskolnikov38 posted:

where the gently caress is braun

Midnightghoul
Oct 1, 2003

COME ON DON'T BE SCURRED

VJeff posted:

Kurt's having an affair with Dixie Carter, I'm willing to toxx myself on this.

Thank you Dixie

for the bj

Chris James 2
Aug 9, 2012

Eater of worlds, pins, and CHICKEN



Taking the week off so he can ruin next week's Joe/Reigns match and make Summerslam a 4-way

Won't be the only 4-way that night once Kurt's with Dixie, Steph, and HHH

Oh Snapple!
Dec 27, 2005



Which of you dumb motherfuckers actually thought Roman was turning.

Fat Lowtax
Nov 9, 2008


"I'm willing to pay up to $1200 for a big anime titty"




kurt gay. so what

Rhonne
Feb 13, 2012

Do you want to know what we do to artists?

Rhonne posted:

They're going to reveal Kurt's secret Latino lover...EDDIE GUERRERO!

VJeff
Jun 2, 2011

#HEKNOWS
#SCOOPS
#IGNOREMYPOSTS


Chris James 2 posted:

Taking the week off so he can ruin next week's Joe/Reigns match and make Summerslam a 4-way

lol you don't think Roman's winning that clean?

SatoshiMiwa
May 6, 2007



Roman can kill a man on screen and WWE will still try to make him the Face

Lumberjack Bonanza
Feb 27, 2011

I'm turning you into a snail because I'm racist.


kurt is still beastiality loving booker t's wife and that's why he's still allowed on commentary

Codependent Poster
Oct 20, 2003



Kurt is totally having an affair with Stephanie.

Chris James 2
Aug 9, 2012

Eater of worlds, pins, and CHICKEN


VJeff posted:

lol you don't think Roman's winning that clean?

Joe's definitely not winning that match, so either it's Reigns or a gently caress finish (Braun)

And I don't know what you have Braun do at Summerslam at this point if it doesn't involve Brock

Lumberjack Bonanza
Feb 27, 2011

I'm turning you into a snail because I'm racist.


has anyone considered that kurt is just loving everyone

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


I only saw parts of that Raw but I really dug Joe coming along and getting in Brock's face, and how Heyman was doing everything in his power to keep Joe away from another match with Brock. In spite of Joe losing at the PPV I thought it did a pretty great job of making Joe look like a legitimate threat to Brock (Brock's "gently caress!" expression upon hearing Joe's music really helped too).

I mean, what's probably gonna happen is Roman beats Joe clean next week to set up his match with Brock, but I'll enjoy this while I can vv

piss tape israel
Apr 23, 2010



VJeff posted:

Kurt's having an affair with Dixie Carter, I'm willing to toxx myself on this.
I thought the same thing

VJeff
Jun 2, 2011

#HEKNOWS
#SCOOPS
#IGNOREMYPOSTS


Regarding Roman, Kurt was clearly pissed off at him, so it's not like he's a face, but there also wasn't any consequences for it.

So I guess Roman isn't a face or a heel. He just does stuff.

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Lumberjack Bonanza posted:

has anyone considered that kurt is just loving everyone

Calling it now. Next week, braun comes out, knocks out roman and joe.

Kurt shows up and says "I told you I was proud of you. I can't believe you didn't want to show the world what... what we are and how we're...how we're better together."

Kurt grabs braun's beard, pulls him in close and they have a tongue kiss, and then Goldust shows videos of him and kurt making love 20 years ago and Braun's "RIDE" to wrestlemania is established to culminate in a match against goldust.

Lumberjack Bonanza
Feb 27, 2011

I'm turning you into a snail because I'm racist.


so how dumb are they gonna make aj styles winning at msg

Lumberjack Bonanza
Feb 27, 2011

I'm turning you into a snail because I'm racist.


VJeff posted:

Regarding Roman, Kurt was clearly pissed off at him, so it's not like he's a face, but there also wasn't any consequences for it.

So I guess Roman isn't a face or a heel. He just does stuff.

well I guess you could say he's not a bad guy

nor is he a good guy

Charles Gnarwin
Jul 31, 2014

I joined the #RXT REVOLUTION.

he knows...


Jerusalem posted:

I only saw parts of that Raw but I really dug Joe coming along and getting in Brock's face, and how Heyman was doing everything in his power to keep Joe away from another match with Brock. In spite of Joe losing at the PPV I thought it did a pretty great job of making Joe look like a legitimate threat to Brock (Brock's "gently caress!" expression upon hearing Joe's music really helped too).

I mean, what's probably gonna happen is Roman beats Joe clean next week to set up his match with Brock, but I'll enjoy this while I can vv

The worst part is that the crowd was clearly so into the idea of Joe getting at Brock again and didn't give a gently caress about Roman. It's one thing to pretend that Roman is the crowd favorite when he's in a segment alone, but no amount of editing and insane logic can hide it when the better option is 3 feet from him.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


VJeff posted:

Kurt's having an affair with Dixie Carter, I'm willing to toxx myself on this.

What's your Toxx going to be?

Shinjobi
Jul 10, 2008



Gravy Boat 2k

Didn't care, didn't watch.

In Shinjobi's Fantasy Wrestleganza, reigning Mega Ultra Galatic HyperChamp Señor Joe pooped on everyone for 3 straight hours.

Baron Corbin
Oct 24, 2001

i'll always take care of you


Muldoon

Kurt and Stephanie will reveal their lovechild: David Benoit

Charles Gnarwin
Jul 31, 2014

I joined the #RXT REVOLUTION.

he knows...


Jerusalem posted:

What's your Toxx going to be?

Make him eat a hat

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Charles Gnarwin posted:

The worst part is that the crowd was clearly so into the idea of Joe getting at Brock again and didn't give a gently caress about Roman. It's one thing to pretend that Roman is the crowd favorite when he's in a segment alone, but no amount of editing and insane logic can hide it when the better option is 3 feet from him.

I honestly can't decide if joe/brock is a good thing or not.

I love joe, but I just can't decide. I'd really like to see brock and braun go at it, but I doubt it's going to happen ever.

It could be a good feud if brock even sort of tried. But he won't, and Joe will try his god drat hardest to drag any kind of interesting psychology out of brock he can, but it'd be better just to put Joe in a feud with someone that would actually work with him.

Platypus Farm fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2017 around 03:23

Fat Lowtax
Nov 9, 2008


"I'm willing to pay up to $1200 for a big anime titty"




Jerusalem posted:

What's your Toxx going to be?

Change his username to Claire Lynch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om22YXgcgoA

Chris James 2
Aug 9, 2012

Eater of worlds, pins, and CHICKEN


Thing I just realized about the main event result: this frees up Bray to finally get Finn/the Demon King

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Chris James 2 posted:

Thing I just realized about the main event result: this frees up Bray to finally get Finn/the Demon King

They already had a totally neutered/aborted thing a while back. I guess they could give it another shot, but I can't see it happening. Finn's just dead in the water.

piss tape israel
Apr 23, 2010



What's with Paul Heyman's casual racism towards Samoans

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007



Grimey Drawer

What the gently caress are they doing with Dean and Seth? Dean and Seth vs. Miztourage two on three?

Blasmeister
Jan 15, 2012



Codependent Poster posted:

Kurt is totally having an affair with Stephanie.

This would cause so many problems considering HHH/Steph's corporate positions but returning to a 17 year old storyline would be so loving hilarious I have to support this idea


SamuraiFoochs posted:

What the gently caress are they doing with Dean and Seth? Dean and Seth vs. Miztourage two on three?

Aren't the Hardys the only face tag team on RAW right now? could be looking to give them something to do and plug that gap

Blasmeister fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2017 around 03:48

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011

Me uni a la Revolucion #RXT


el sabe ...


Eli Wiggum posted:

What's with Paul Heyman's casual racism towards Samoans

Racism is bad, and Paul Heyman is a heel.

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005



no braun no buys

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007



Grimey Drawer

Blasmeister posted:

This would cause so many problems considering HHH/Steph's corporate positions but returning to a 17 year old storyline would be so loving hilarious I have to support this idea


Aren't the Hardys the only tag team on RAW right now? could be looking to give them something to do and plug that gap

I would legit be cool with that as long as they had an amicable split afterwards. I don't want Heel Dean v. Face Seth at ALL but the opposite would just be a rehash, albeit rehash of one of my favorite feuds ever.

Dango Bango
Jul 26, 2007

"Yup, it looks like his head went so far up his own butt-hole that it exploded right back out his pee-hole and he died in a cataclysmic shower of his own blood and poop and pee."
- Too Much Mustard


Holy poo poo. I had no idea Angle broke his neck so many times

Phenix Rising
Oct 24, 2005

TOUGH GUUUUUY


Maybe Kurt and Stephanie never stopped their illicit love affair from way back when and all of her children are his and not Triple H's. That's the only secret I want revealed next week.

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Phenix Rising posted:

Maybe Kurt and Stephanie never stopped their illicit love affair from way back when and all of her children are his and not Triple H's. That's the only secret I want revealed next week.

When the undertaker kidnapped her and tried to do that weird marriage thing, turns out he just dumped her at an Elvis chapel and she married Kurt Angle on accident.

CubsWoo
Aug 17, 2005

Where the big boys RAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH FUCK YOU


Kurt is having an affair but it's with Braun and that's why he was so concerned on Sunday

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flashy_mcflash
Feb 7, 2011

I joined the #RXT REVOLUTION.

he knows...


Really weird that everyone assumes Kurt is slamming Dixie or Steph and not Corey

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