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Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




At the start of this year I had a grand idea. An idea to watch my way through the old WWE PPVs and write about them for the pleasure of my fellow goons on PSP! Unfortunately two days later my life went to poo poo and I didn't have the time or the energy or the desire to keep going. But things are going well for me now so let's try this again! Join me as I watch all of WWE's shows from ages past until I get bored or die (I'm expecting 1993 will cause at least one of those to occur). To give you all some background, I became a fan of wrestling at the start of 2000 in the peak of the Attitude Era. I was a heavy fan for a few years, watched off-and-on for a while after that and then paid a lot of attention between 2011-2013. However, most of what's happened in the last 30 years is unexplored territory for me and I've got pretty much no idea of anything pre-1998. This is going to be my first experience watching old-school wrestling and I'm very excited to share that with you.

The Golden Rule

As a lot of my enjoyment for this endeavour comes from discovering the unknown I want to enforce a strict no spoiler policy in this thread so that I can go into these PPVs blind. Things I don't want to know about include but are not limited to:

  • matches
  • results
  • title switches
  • debuts
  • angles
  • swerves

Table of Contents

1985

Wrestlemania I: The Granddaddy of Them All (Which Is Why He's A Little Bit Racist): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 *requires archives
The Wrestling Classic: Somewhat Of A Misnomer: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
Wrestling Observer Awards

1986

Wrestlemania II: Three Times The Arenas, A Third Of The Fun: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
Wrestling Observer Awards

1987

Wrestlemania III: The Assassination of Andre the Giant By The Coward Hulk Hogan: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Survivor Series: I'm Thankful For Mostly Sensible Booking: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
Wrestling Observer Awards

1988

Wrestlemania IV: Making the WWF Great Again: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Summerslam: The Biggest Party of the Summer (Glastonbury Not Included): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Royal Rumble: Let's Get Ready To Grumble: Part 1 | Part2 | Part 3 | Part 4 (watched out of order)
Survivor Series: A Lesson In Cultural Appropriation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
Wrestling Observer Awards

1989

Royal Rumble: Big John Studd's Big Day Out: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
Wrestlemania V: I Need More 'Most Offensive Comment' Awards: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Summerslam: A One Hundred And Sixty Minute Trailer: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Survivor Series: Your Winner and Sole Survivor, Tedium!: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Part 5
No Holds Barred: I Have The Worst Ideas: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
Wrestling Observer Awards

1990

Royal Rumble: Running On A Treadmill, Going Nowhere: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Wrestlemania VI: Fear The Destrucity of an Era Collapsing in the Ruins of Moon Asteroids: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9
Summerslam: Ted DiBiase Makes Sound Financial Investments: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9
Survivor Series: The Endless Cycle of Life and Death: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

1991

Royal Rumble: The Cruel Temptation of the Ultimate Warrior: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8
Wrestlemania VII: America, gently caress Yeah! Freedom Is The Only Way, Yeah!: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10
Summerslam: A Brutal Exposé on the Private Prison System by Jacques Rougeau: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9
The Madonna and the Whore: A Discussion of Female Representation in the WWF in the Early 90s
Survivor Series: Drink Every Time They Say 'This Tuesday In Texas': Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
This Tuesday In Texas: Soon To Be Followed This Monday In Michigan, This Friday in Fresno and This Christmas in Colorado: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

1992

Royal Rumble: Laughing At The Mentally Handicapped Is Totally Fine: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Wrestlemania VIII: Earthquake Is A Face Now And I Don't Know How To Deal With That: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

The Rarities: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Rarity fucked around with this message at Sep 29, 2018 around 17:55

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Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




The Wrestling Classic: Somewhat Of A Misnomer

What I Think I Know:

  • I had literally never heard of this show before I started this thread.
  • This does not bode well.

So this is something exciting, isn't it? I figured I'd be heading straight from Wrestlemania 1 to Wrestlemania 2 but instead we have an unexpected diversion. I'm giddy with the thrill of surprises and excitement knowing full well I probably shouldn't be. The show begins with a rundown of the superstars that will be entertaining me tonight. Some I know, some I've heard about, some are big scary manbeasts I just want to go away.


Please mummy, can we go home now?

And now we are live from the Rosemont Centre in Chicago, Illinois with our good buddy Vince McMahon but far more importantly, Lord Alfred Hayes! My joy at seeing his scotch egg of a face knows no bounds. Joining them this evening is a blow-up doll and oh boy, I hope you liked the positive respect for women at Wrestlemania 1 because there is absolutely none of that here tonight.


The blonde does have name. Don't worry, it's not relevant.

This pair of tits exists to point at pictures while smart people talk about the important things. It does an ample job as Vince and Alfred run down the brackets for the main thrust of this prestigious show, a tournament to decide the winner of... something? Exactly what the winner will win is never really made clear but you can be drat sure they will have earned the right to say they were on The Wrestling Classic.

Now I'm not going to go over all the matches just yet but there is one highlight that immediately stands out: Ricky Steamboat vs. Davey Boy Smith. I might have been down on Steamboat from WM1 but I'm not going to judge a guy on one match. Davey I only know from his roided out Attitude Era days but he must have been good at one point to have any kind of rep. All in all, this is something I'm actually intrigued to see. Good start, show.

We get to see some clips of the wrestlers selecting their opponents earlier in the day. Now this is always fun when they do this for the Royal Rumble but sadly this first attempt is somewhat lacklustre. The only thing of note is Steamboat describing Davey as a “fine young man”, bringing us our first great example of wrestling's unintentional homoeroticism.


Democracy fails us yet again

Next it's off to present day Gene with WWF President Jack Tunney for a very important interview. It is here that Jack clarifies that in order to progress in this tournament a wrestler is going to need to win his match. Oh really? Oh really, Jack Tunney? I'm so glad you clarified that for us because I was worried one of the wrestlers was going to try to lose. I was concerned that one of them might just try to skip straight through to the semi finals. I was very anxious that one of them would just spend the night down at Hooters eating chicken wings then show up expecting to get into the final (I'm looking at you, Muraco).

With this crucial rule cleared up we can head down to join Gino and Jesse, once again at ringside, once again in ridiculous outfits, and get this show on the road.

Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Corporal Kirchner

Here we go with the first match in what is shaping up to be a match heavy card. I have a feeling many of these first round matches will not last long. This contest features two guys I've never heard of before. First there is Adrian Adonis who's name is also somewhat of a misnomer seeing as he looks less of a Greek god and more of a greasy old mechanic from New Jersey. But at least he doesn't look like a jobber with a gimmick that is blatantly ripping off Apocalypse Now. And yet somehow Kirchner is the face which means when Vince sat down to watch that movie and heard Colonel Kurtz he thought... no wait, that makes perfect sense.


Danny Zuko has really let himself go

Meanwhile, it's early days but it's already time for...

MOST INCORRECT CLAIRVOYANCY

Gino: “This is the most prestigious tournament in the history of all professional wrestling”

The match begins and we get an immediate... rest hold. How very prestigious. The action is exactly the plodding brawling that I was so disinterested in for Wrestlemania 1, all while Jimmy stands on the outside yelling into a megaphone and full credit to the guy, I might not give a poo poo about either of the wrestlers but Jimmy's doing a great job of being an annoying little turd. Kirchner goes for a suplex but Adonis drops it into a slick DDT for the win. Bad match, nice finish.

Mean Gene grabs Adonis for a few words after the match and Adonis says that he wrote the book. Exactly which book he wrote is never explained but it's got to be better than Chyna's autobiography.

The Dynamite Kid vs. Nikolai Volkoff

Ah, this is a bit more like it. I remember Papa Lana, last time I saw him he became a Tag Team champion. I'm not sure if he still is one, he doesn't come out with the belt here and there's no mention of the tag titles anywhere on show so I guess he could be. But given what's about to happen, I'm going to go with no. As for Dynamite Kid, I'm not familiar at all but I think he's Davey's tag partner which I guess means he's from my neck of the woods.

Of course, a proud patriot like Volkoff cannot allow the match to start without a rendition of his country's national anthem which is basically the same thing as pooping out Stalin's desecrated remains all over the Rosemont Centre. However, Dynamite Kid don't got time for that guff and just blasts Volkoff with a missile dropkick with an immediate pin to win the match. Truly, a quality happening!

Oh boy, can you feel it?

It's finally time.

Time for me to meet one Randall Savage Esq.


It'shappening.gif

Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Ivan Putski

Savage is in the back with Mean Gene for a little interview before his first round match and he is tweaking the hell out. (Savage, I mean. Not Gene, that would be bizarre). Savage gives a fun, crazy promo about being ready and nervous and hyper and ready and nervous. It's delightful.

The good first impression continues as Savage comes out to Land of Hope and Glory, an absolute belter of a song that really works with him. It's at this point that Jesse comes up with a strong contender for Most Offensive Comment of the Night by pointing out that “Elizabeth is in the background somewhere where she should be” which... ew. Don't worry, he's got more in the bag for later. You might notice that I'm not really talking much about Putski. That's because there's really nothing to say about him. He's a man so unmemorable even Jesse on commentary gets his name wrong.

Anyway, the match is full of stalling with a very intense headlock and around here I start to get very confused. See, I can't work out if Savage is meant to be the face or the heel. He's got the inspirational ring music and the beloved valet and the entertaining promo and Putski is a total schlub but at the same time Savage is kind of working the heat segment. Though at the end of the day when he's selling like HBK against Hogan at Summerslam '05 things like face and heel alignments don't really matter.

Savage steals the win with a rollup and his feet on the ropes. I STILL DON'T GET WHAT HE'S TRYING TO BE.

In a short interlude Volkoff runs up to Vinnie Mac to protest his loss with screams of American Justice. I'm not really sure what Volkoff is intending to accomplish here. Just one look at the American penal system would show him how far that goes.

...Heh, penal.

Junpei Hyde
Mar 15, 2013

Never believe in lies

Glad your life's doing better.

Early wrestlemanias seems kinda dire for the most part, godspeed.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Early WWE Savage is kind of in that Shawn Michaels/Ric Flair "He's a heel, but he's so flashy and entertaining he gets cheered anyway" mode.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

The Wrestling Classic, along with Mania 2, really expose that WWF's roster was a bit thin on actual talent, which was one reason so many NWA fans and people used to seeing guys like Flair, Anderson, etc. resented them taking over. Like they had some VERY good wrestlers, Steamboat, Savage, etc., but for every one of them there's like 3 Uncle Elmers or JYDs, who have a nice audience-appealing gimmick but can't really work a match.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Early Savage is one of my favorite heel achetypes - the guy who is incredibly good in the ring but continually takes shortcuts/cheats not because he needs to but because why the hell not? Triple H used to have a bit of that going for him too which I loved, JR would sell the poo poo out of it on commentary screaming,"HE'S A GREAT WRESTLER, HE DOESN"T NEED TO CHEAT! "

Bankok
Sep 10, 2004

SPARTA!!!


To date myself, I remember when Savage arrived in the WWF he came in as a big deal and the angle was that all the managers were trying to sign him to their stable. Blassie, Heenan, Fuji, Hart and I'm sure there were others that I can't remember.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Jerusalem posted:

Early Savage is one of my favorite heel achetypes - the guy who is incredibly good in the ring but continually takes shortcuts/cheats not because he needs to but because why the hell not? Triple H used to have a bit of that going for him too which I loved, JR would sell the poo poo out of it on commentary screaming,"HE'S A GREAT WRESTLER, HE DOESN"T NEED TO CHEAT! "

That's how I felt about Ted Dibiase. Despite being a huge slog, Wrestlemania IV's tournament utilizes Dibiase really well. He uses all these shortcuts, but when it comes time for him to wrestle Don Muraco in a time when they're on an even playing ground and both Andre and Virgil are too hurt to show up and help, Dibiase still beats him. That makes the finals even more harrowing.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Oh yeah, Dibiase fits that pretty nicely too. Sure he could work hard for it, and he's got the talent... but why not just take the easy road and pay somebody else to do the dirty work instead!

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Ricky Steamboat vs. Davey Boy Smith

Ok, 1985. I'm listening.

This turns out to be the first match on this retrospective that I would classify as good. The crowd is nuts for Steamboat, the moves are really crisp and technical, there's chain wrestling, there's some hefty power moves. Everything is flowing nicely when suddenly Daves whiffs a dropkick into the ropes and collapses to the mat. The ref comes over to check on him and only blooming goes and calls off the match! Rubbish! Steamboat goes to check on Davey after winning, which to be fair is a nice little touch.

Ok, so in some ways I can see the sense in this. I'm now really hyped to see Steamboat and Davey go at it in a proper match and this ending allowed them to get out jail free but there's still better ways to make it happen without making Davey look like a slapstick idiot.


And after the wrestling, the anal sex!

The Iron Shiek vs. The Junkyard Dog

Before the match starts we head to the back to Mean Gene for an interview with the JYD. Unfortunately somewhere between New York and Chicago somebody stole all of JYD's cocaine because this is a bland forgettable promo. However, I do manage to find some joy as JYD's music sounds a lot like the Ghostbusters theme. Who you gonna call? The National Coalition Of Blacks for Reparations in America!

Getting on into the match Shiek starts ripping into JYD and starts choking him out with his ring gear. That's got to be a DQ ref, surely? But sadly my modern day sensibilities are ignored and the match continues. It's around here that I start to get distracted and I end up missing most of the action because I'm trying to work out if JYD's trunks say “Trump” across his butt. Unfortunately the world is not that beautiful, it's actually “Thump”. There's a brutal headbutt miss from JYD that gets turned into a Camel Clutch but JYD doesn't tap. Shiek starts arguing with the ref giving JYD the chance to get his poo poo together. Shiek turns round into a headbutt and... that's it?

Huh. Well, sure.

Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Moondog Spot

Oh.

Oh dear.

Friends, I don't even know where to start with this one. Do I begin with the fact that Terry Funk, a.k.a. Chainsaw Charlie, a.k.a. the Hardcore Legend, is dressed up like a Mexican cowboy? Do I begin with the sheer insanity of Moondog Spot, a man who looks like Bray Wyatt's granddad and acts like Eugene's granddad? Do I begin with Funk gobbing up a load of tobacco all over the camera? And why the gently caress is Spot carrying a bone?!


Messier than a prostitute's bedroom

So sensing that he is hardly dealing with a Mensa level opponent here Funk tries to convince Spot to stay outside the ring while the ref starts a countout. It looks like Spot's going to buy it but then the two brain cells floating around his brain bump into each other and spark off some reasoning. Realising that his dastardly plan has failed Funk tosses Spot into the ring but then ends up being caught with the countout himself. Ahahahahaha. Boned.

...Oh god Funk is wearing assless chaps.

Don Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji vs. Tito Santana

Save me, Tito.

So somewhere in the interim between six months ago and now Tito has knocked off Greg Valentine to become the new Intercontinental champion. I still don't understand why blowing off that major feud was so vital it had to be prevented from happening on their headline show. And speaking of Valentine, he is conspicuously absent from tonight's proceedings. I'd almost think he'd fallen victim to the Wellness Policy except one look at that gut tells you he's never been well. Luckily, Vince has found Tito a suitable replacement in Muraco, a fat saggy gently caress of a man accompanied to the ring by a racist Japanese caricature.


Rejected nicknames include “The Mediocre”, “The Mandatory” and “The Masochist”

The match goes a little while and is just about meets the bar for what I'd describe as acceptable 80s wrestling. Jesse's heel commentary is a bit more obnoxious here than Wrestlemania, the needless aggression is tiresome. Tito's got the pace but Muraco's got power and Tito starts taking a beating. Muraco connects with a powerslam and pins Tito for the three count. But hang on! Tito's feet were on the ropes. The camera manages to completely miss this vital piece of info but the ref catches it and so while Muraco (and the viewer) are lost in confusion Tito rolls him up and picks up the win. So the bad guy gets screwed over and the good guy looks like he can't get the job done properly. I don't think I “get” 80s booking.

Rarity fucked around with this message at Jul 23, 2017 around 12:00

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Paul Orndorff

Bobby is in the back with Mean Gene before the match to have a go at Orndorff. Of course, Orndorff was a heel back at Wrestlemania so clearly some major poo poo has gone down. Double of course, nobody seems to think it's worth mentioning. Anyway, Bobby has brought $50,000 with him and promises to give it to whoever beats Orndorff in the tournament. I'm starting to think that Bobby has issues making sound financial decisions. Perhaps he should see a financial adviser? Also, there's this:

WORST HAIR


Lovely set of curls there, Bob

Here's the really strange thing about this match. It turns out the crowd really cares about Orndorff. This is bizarre because this a man with very clearly zero charisma. The only exciting thing about him is he has a huge nose and...

Well, I guess it worked for Triple H.

This ends up being somewhat better than my minimal expectations. I'm even slightly excited for the ending sequence, which sees Orton lay Orndorff out with his cast after some shenanigans. Except he did it right in front of the ref like a proper plonker so Orndorff wins by DQ. So much for your chances of getting that NES, Randy!

And then Randy's dad ends up with his rear end hanging out. There's a sight I really needed to see never. Let's move swiftly on to rejoin Vince and Alfred to check out the state of the bracket where- OH MY GOD ALFRED GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF HER!


This is fine. Everything here is fine.

So while Lord Alfred Sex-Pest crosses the line of sexual molestation Vince runs through the quarter-finals and oooh, Steamboat/Savage is looking very tasty. However, I'm a little bit concerned that of the 8 wrestlers remaining every single one of them appears to be a face. I really don't think I “get” 80s booking. Once again Vince gets harassed by the losers who weren't good enough to get into the next round. This time it's Funk who shows up to flip out and yawn, whatever.

Time to ramp up the excitement, it's the quarter-finals!

Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Dynamite Kid

Oh hey, I guess there is one heel left in the bracket. Though I think it says quite a lot about Adonis that I couldn't even remember him. The match goes at a fair clip with Jimmy buzzing around the outside and oh god, this is starting to get annoying. It's like those three weeks where they decided to give A.W. a live mic before he dropped a Kobe surprise sex joke. Halfway through the match Jesse decides to just up and walk away FROM THE JOB HE GETS PAID TO DO to go give some tips to Savage for his upcoming match. Someone's set for a disciplinary meeting once this show's over.

With Gino stranded alone on commentary Dynamite Kid gets a huge two count from a second rope knee drop, that was pretty slick. Dynamite Kid then answers my prayers by going for Jimmy but Adonis rolls him up from behind. Except Dynamite Kid kicks out, knocking Adonis into Jimmy and then Kid gets the win. Hurray! I've been won over, I'm a Dynamite Kid fan. He's buff as hell but he's got pace and agility and he's exciting to watch. Really hoping to see him vs. Steamboat in the semis.

The Kid does look around 40 but we can't have everything, I suppose.


Adonis taking his loss like a champ

Ricky Steamboat w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Randy Savage

Aw, gently caress yeah.

Before we can begin to proceedings we must head to the back where Gino announces “my colleague is with my other colleague”. Thanks for clearing that up, Gino. So it's Jesse who's with Mean Gene and he offers Savage some moral support while vowing to stay unbiased on, y'know, the job he's supposed to be doing right now. Mean Gene calls him out for taking sides while doing the job he's not currently doing. Jesse claims that two heads are better than one and that they've got three. Referring of course to Jesse, Savage and Savage's big throbbing hardon for Liz.

Oh hey, Savage and Liz have done a wardrobe change. Hehe. Steamboat wants to start the match but Savage is running scared and hides behind Liz. I guess this means he is a heel after all. At least that clears that up. Steamboat is working a different style here, he's all about the strikes rather than the chain wrestling. It all still looks really pretty. There's a beautiful headscissors to the outside and- ooh, the ref is Earl Hebner! How's it going, Earl? Making bank off that Hogan merch? Steamboat goes for a back suplex but all of a sudden Savage has the brass knucks – the brass knucks! - and nails him when Earl's back is turned. I guess it's comforting to know that he's always been bad at his job. Savage obviously gets the victory while Gino blames Jesse for giving Savage the idea. Boo!

Good match. Short but good.

Junkyard Dog vs. Moondog Spot

Moondog is in the back with Mean Gene for an interview. Mean Gene calls Moondog a winner and Gene, I love you but nothing could be further from the truth. Moondog proves my point by yelling incoherently and licking his bone. Ew. Mean Gene just doesn't have a clue and I am right there with him.


I'm not sure which man is more confused in this image

JYD comes out to the ring and weirdly I'm kinda happy to see him? I guess in these tumultuous times I like the familiarity of a dude who appeared on the previous show. JYD takes Moondog out immediately and goes for the pin. There's no ref out so JYD counts the pin himself and for some reason this is... allowed? This is anarchy! Anarchy, I tells you!

There's a quick interview here with Mean Gene and Bobby about the title match. Bobby thinks Hogan will lose because he is tired and drained. Bobby has reckoned without that wonderful medical assistance known as The Drugs.

Tito Santana vs. Paul Orndorff

Tito comes out with his leg all taped up as we prepare for a more serious face vs. face match. This may be relevant later. The chain wrestling starts off quite nice but Jesse is getting more and more obnoxious on commentary, insisting that Tito will turn bad for the money. Guys, I take it back. Can I get JBL in here please? And it's here that we get our...

MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT OF THE NIGHT

Jesse Ventura: “A taco salesman from Tijuana that can't be bought?”

Jesus, Jesse!

The pace of the match slows to a crawl as Orndorff starts working over Tito's bad leg. They spill to the outside where Tito takes a sick hit straight off the ringpost. Ouch! They keep on brawling and then the bell rings because whaddaya know, they've both got themselves counted out! Rubbish! The crowd rightfully shits all over this finish.

ALFRED, NO!


Someone teach this man about consent

Vince manages to get Alfred's dick under control long enough to go over the semi-finals. By which I mean, the semi-final. Because of course only wrestlers who win their match progress and both Tito and Orndorff lost so JYD gets a bye straight through to the final while Savage takes on Dynamite Kid. I figure at this point that Savage has got the tournament on lock.

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011

Me uni a la Revolucion #RXT


el sabe ...


How dare you insult Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, a man who rules.

Liquid Communism
Mar 9, 2004

Delicious and Nutritious



Fun Shoe

Jerusalem posted:

Oh yeah, Dibiase fits that pretty nicely too. Sure he could work hard for it, and he's got the talent... but why not just take the easy road and pay somebody else to do the dirty work instead!

That's one of the cornerstones of the Million Dollar Man's character, really. He's a rich douchebag heel... who is actually talented. So when it comes time for the face to finally get his hands on the heel and get justice, he still has a fight on his hands. It made all of his matches suspenseful, and the guy's got charisma for days in that role so he did a great job of making the audience want to see him lose anyway.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Bobby will always hate Hogan, Corey will always hate The Drifter, and Jesse would always hate Tito Santana vv

DukeofCA
Aug 17, 2011

I am shocked and appalled.

I enjoy reading your reactions to these old shows, but if it takes you four to five days to finish one event you're gonna be here for a long time.

A long time.

Especially when we bump up to twelve shows a year.

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


Just wanted to day I love these. Keep it up!

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Rarity posted:

Of course, Orndorff was a heel back at Wrestlemania so clearly some major poo poo has gone down. Double of course, nobody seems to think it's worth mentioning.

Wrestlemania WAS the major poo poo that went down.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




WWF Title Match
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Hulk Hogan


Don't you just hate it when you see the guy holding the main belt being buried in a match halfway down the card? I hope that one day a guy like Hogan gets the recognition he deserves.

Rowdy Roddy is out first and dear god these bagpipes are going to get tiring if they come out every time. Hogan's still in the back with Mean Gene and guys, I think I found JYD's cocaine. It's all up Hogan's nose. Hogan is ready to bring Hulkamania crashing down all over Piper. I didn't think it was possible but Hogan looks even more jacked than he did at Wrestlemania. Jesus, people aren't supposed to bulge like that.

The match is your generic simple 80s affair but with the crowd going mental for even the slightest move. There's rest holds a plenty with bear hugs and sleepers and then inevitably Hogan hulks up. Big boot, atomic drop, you know the drill. The ref takes a bump so Piper gets a chair out.


Sadly, Tug-of-Chair didn't last long as an Olympic sport

Hogan manages to block it and gets Piper in a sleeper. Orton shows up and nails Hogan with the cast except the ref's awake and it's our second lovely, lovely DQ finish of the night. Godammit Bob, can't you do anything right? Piper and Orton keep on beating on Hogan but here's Orndorff! He comes out to make the save and chases the heels from the ring. Hogan and Orndorff pose for the crowd in celebration of this lacklustre title defence and all through this I'm just waiting for Teddy Long. Time for a tag team match, playa!

But alas, it is not.

Dynamite Kid vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth

JYD is in the back with Mean Gene, taking it easy while his competitors face off. He mumbles his way through a generic promo that I don't understand at all then Jimmy Hart interrupts and starts yelling about underwear. I feel like at this point just about everybody has given up on the evening.

Despite my initial excitement the match ends up being a lot of stalling. Ok, I know this is technically both men's third match of the night but it's not like they're really been working that hard. Am I expecting too much here? Anyway, Dynamite Kid hits a huge back body drop which looks really nice. Savage gets back in control and goes up top but Dynamite Kid catches him and hits a HUGE superplex. Except Savage manages to grab Kid by the legs and roll over for the win. Weird to see what is essentially a no-sell for a superplex but good to know that Savage can also win legit.

Back to Vince who has thankfully sent Alfred away to parts unknown so the Tits can have a moment's respite. It's time to announce the big Rolls Royce giveaway! Vince suggests that perhaps the winner will take the Tits for a ride. JESUS!


She may be smiling but those eyes are dead inside

The ring is now filled with Jack Tunney and a collection of corporate sponsors. Tunney thanks the crowd for letting the sweepstake happen. One of the sponsor nerds says the same thing. Another nerd says the same thing. The crowd is making GBS threads all over this and so they should. These guys make Alfred look like a good promo. And so Tunney is ready to announce the winner. Or as he calls it “Rolls Royce Winner Tournament”. And the car goes to Michael Hambley! The crowd couldn't give a single gently caress. You gotta love Chicago.

Just time for one last interview from Mean Gene with Hogan and Orndorff. He's braved the men's locker room and given strict instructions that cameramen keep the shots above the waist. After all, “we got fellas getting out of the shower here”. Hehe. Hogan and Orndorff challenge Piper and Orton to a tag team match... on another show. Sure, as long as I don't have to watch it.


Note the appropriate camera level

Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Junkyard Dog

And so we come to our grand final. The end result of this most prestigious evening. And you know what, I really REALLY don't get 80s booking. The heel is coming into the match with an injury angle (the second of the night) while the face is the one who had a bye in the last round so is more rested. Where are the odds to be overcome? John Cena would not approve!

SIGN OF THE NIGHT


Winner by virtue of being the only sign of the night

There's tons of stalling in this one as well. Savage takes a chair and pushes it into the ring but JYD grabs it and just blasts himself in the head with it. That's not going to help you, JYD! Mean Gene then shows up to join the commentary team so he can get a good look at Liz. I'm so happy to see him I'm going to ignore the casual sexism. The booking continues to make no sense with JYD taking control and slowing the pace down. Savage gets the upper hand with a sneak attack and the commentators really need to stop using Pearl Harbour as a verb. I've lost count of how many times it's been said tonight.

Jesse has a lovely slam on Mean Gene with “You've never done anything more athletic than tie your shoes and I notice you're wearing velcros.” Savage then grabs a chair and just smacks JYD across the back with it. The ref sees it and... nothing happens! What the hell? Where was this guy when Cowboy Bob was running around whacking everyone with a cast? Like, this is so dumb, I can't even. JYD then tips Savage out of the ring and wins by count-out.

I can honestly say I didn't see that one coming.


A man that simply screams “prestigious”

Jesse runs into the ring to protest, claiming that Savage wrestled three matches to JYD's two. It's actually four to three but hey, who's counting? Mean Gene describes this whole protest as just incredible. Back to Vince and Alfred for one last sign-off. And our last memory is Alfred proclaiming he's going to take the Tits for a ride.

For gently caress sake.

And that's a wrap for this extra little bonus of a PPV. The majority of the wrestling was terrible but at the same time it felt like there was a bit more to get excited about here than Wrestlemania I. There's a few wrestlers I'm interested in, there's a couple of prospective matchups I'd like to see and there was more character moments and more comedy. In the end what I'll remember The Wrestling Classic for is the rampant sexual objectification and that's not what you should be saying about a wrestling show. Three Kanes out of ten!

/10

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky


I think this might actually be one of the more watchable tournament-based WWE PPVs.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

It really rushes by, at least.

This will not be the case for Mania 2.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

I miss the Coliseum Video music and vignettes.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


JYD winning by count-out after taking a chairshot.... what a bizarre ending to the tournament.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Wrestlemania II: Three Times The Arenas, A Third of the Fun

What I Think I Know

  • This event takes place over three arenas
  • It's Hogan vs. Bundy in the main event



It's 1986, little Rarity is just a baby in her mother's arms and across the Atlantic the WWF are settling in for Wrestlemania II: Electric Boogaloo. The show starts with the quickest of intros ad we're straight in there at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum as Vince welcomes us to the greatest extravaganza since the last one. There's just time for a quick introduction of his broadcast colleague Susan St. James before heading into this year's rendition of America The Beautiful, as sung by Ray Charles.

What follows is the most ridiculous, unnecessary, jingoistic sequence that you can imagine. Ray sings across a soft-fade montage of landscape shots, important landmarks, The Troops and great American heroes like George Washington and Martin Luther King all ending on a still photo of Hulk Hogan, the greatest American hero of all. It sure was something when Hogan single-handedly beat the Redcoats by dropping the leg across Boston, brother!

At least Ray won't ever see the travesty he's involved with.


In 1969 Hogan jumped off the top rope and landed on the moon, brother!

While Vince is over on the East Coast, Mean Gene is with wrestling's favourite set of fans in the Rosemont Verizon Centre in Chicago where we will be getting an old-fashioned 20-man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal. Got to get everyone on the roster their Wrestlemania payday after all!

Back in New York, Rowdy Roddy Piper is all set for a boxing match against Mr. T, a concept I already wish I'd never heard about. Not only does Vince want to use Wrestlemania to showcase non-wrestlers, now he wants to do it by having them in non-wrestling matches. But I'll save my vitriol for this gimmick for later because this promo is incredibly entertaining. Piper says that he made sure to grow his hair long so that nobody would confuse him with Mr. T. He then promises that if he loses this match not only will he retire from wrestling but also from tiddlywinks and dating girls. (Piper was, of course, a renowned tiddlywinks competitor having won the World Championships in 1978). And then Piper comes out with a line so flat out off the wall insane he manages to win two of my awards at once.

MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION

and...

MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT

Rowdy Roddy Piper:
“Never will I shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black”


For gently caress sake, Roddy

Don Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji vs. Paul Orndorff

Oh geez, poor Paul. Just a year ago he was hanging about with Hogan and Piper and Heenan, trading war stories with Cowboy Bob, and look how the mighty have fallen. From top of the mountain to curtain-jerking in the space of one year. Even being a jobber in the Battle Royal would be better than this. The match gets underway and things start to get awkward as they decide to run voice clips from promos over the beginning of the match. Muraco calls Orndorff “the embarrassment of Wrestlemania I”. Presumably the mediocrity of the Wrestling Classic didn't have the same ring to it.

With the promos over we can join the commentary team who for a while appears to be just Vince but then it turns out Susan St. James has joined him. Now, I have no idea who Susan may be but I've never heard of her before and I don't think she's got any connections to professional wrestling. What exactly are her credentials that qualify her for an important job on the biggest WWF show of the year? I mean, this is a woman who describes an armbar from Orndorff as an “ancient Chinese technique”. I'm not sure myself but I imagine Vince will be taking an close look at those credentials boobs after the show.


The Armbar: invented by Sun Tzu in 513 BC

Vince does a decent job of covering for Susan's inexperience though. In one lovely moment he buries his own heel by pointing out that Muraco is “sweating profusely”. The match itself is short and boring until both men spill to the outside and the bell promptly rings. Vince and Susan are very confused, the wrestlers are very confused, even the referee looks very confused. While the officials scramble to work out what the gently caress just happened the fans start the “Bullshit!” chants, making their official WWF debut. The whole thing is so poorly organised, it's a catastrophe. This clusterfuck keeps on going for like 2 minutes so they just decide to cut to a Mr. T promo to fill space.

Mr. T is in the back with his trainer Joe Frazier and a little person who I'm shocked to report is not made fun of once during this broadcast. Mr. T is all hot and excited and ready to start doing some “dirty stuff”. Hehehe. There's a lot more to this interview but I can't hear any of it because the sound of Finkel announcing the result of the first match plays over the top. Of course, because Mr. T is talking I can't hear that either. Now say what you want about Kevin Dunn and his buck-toothed rear end in a top hat opinions, at least these days WWE can fulfil all the basic essentials of event TV production. What happens here is an unprofessional disaster. To this day I still have no idea what the result of this match was.

Hang on, where's Wikipedia?

It was a double countout. loving useless.

Intercontinental Title Match
George “The Animal” Steele vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth


Luckily, that absolute abortion of an opener is followed by one of the four guys I'm interested in at this juncture so hopefully this can wash the bad taste out of my eyes. Susan is very excited at the prospect of seeing Savage take a beating. She doesn't like Savage because of the horrible way he treats Elizabeth. Not that this bad behaviour has been evident on either of his PPV appearances so far. There's a short picture-in-picture promo of Savage promising some Macho Madness tonight. That's one way of describing what's about to happen. As for Steele, we're notified that he's got feelings for Elizabeth and-

OH DEAR GOD STEELE'S BACK


Ewwwwww.

What the gently caress is that? It's like A-Train had sex with a yeti.

The match starts with a crazy amount of stalling until Steele catches up to Savage and starts biting his foot. Ew, gross. Steele keeps letting Savage take control because he wants to talk to Elizabeth. Susan's commentary is so vapid, mostly consisting of cheering for Steele and calling Savage a bad, bad man. If this is the best that women can do when given a live mic then perhaps 80s sexism was right, jesus. Susan's got no idea why Elizabeth would rather be with a guy like Savage than a guy like Steele. Gee, I've got no idea, perhaps it's something to do with the hairless back and understanding of basic human etiquette?

Savage pulls a bouquet of flowers from out of his rear end (not literally) and slaps Steele across the face with it. Poor Savage. Decent ability, decent potential, popular with the crowd and the best he can get is a low-card comedy match. Oh loving hell, Steele starts eating the turnbuckle. This is so bad. Steele tears the stuffing out of the turnbuckle and starts feeding it to Savage. This is so so bad. Savage pulls out a Flying Elbow Drop but Steele manages to kick out! So Savage just trips Steele up and gets his feet on the ropes to win. Thank Christ.

After the match Steele starts eating another turnbuckle while tears fall from his eyes like me with a tub of ice cream on prom night. Two matches down and this show is a trainwreck.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Junpei Hyde posted:

Early wrestlemanias seems kinda dire for the most part, godspeed.

I seem to be cracking through it a fair clip so I think I'll be all right

Gaz-L posted:

Early WWE Savage is kind of in that Shawn Michaels/Ric Flair "He's a heel, but he's so flashy and entertaining he gets cheered anyway" mode.

This makes sense. He's the only guy so far apart from Hogan who's exuded a real top star aura.

Maxwell Lord posted:

The Wrestling Classic, along with Mania 2, really expose that WWF's roster was a bit thin on actual talent, which was one reason so many NWA fans and people used to seeing guys like Flair, Anderson, etc. resented them taking over. Like they had some VERY good wrestlers, Steamboat, Savage, etc., but for every one of them there's like 3 Uncle Elmers or JYDs, who have a nice audience-appealing gimmick but can't really work a match.

Considering the WWF aren't even really letting their real talent off the leash yet I'm guessing in-ring ability was far down their list of priorities in the 80s.

Bankok posted:

To date myself, I remember when Savage arrived in the WWF he came in as a big deal and the angle was that all the managers were trying to sign him to their stable. Blassie, Heenan, Fuji, Hart and I'm sure there were others that I can't remember.

This is on the start of the OSWReview for TWC. It was a really good angle, it instantly sold Savage as someone to look out for.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

You know Wrestlecrap talked about just how much of Susan St. James' commentary was "Uh-oh" and saying "George" in a vaguely hectoring tone during Steele's match, and Good Lord they were NOT exaggerating. Like there are long stretches where all she's saying is "George!"

Wrestlemania I was crude in some ways, but considering how well things needed to go for such an event in order for the whole gamble to work, they got pretty lucky. I feel like WM 2 is some sort of weird karmic payback. All sorts of poo poo goes wrong. Ray Charles' rendition of America the Beautiful is actually hard to hear properly, they screw up announcing the finish of the first match, this thing just instantly falls apart.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Rarity posted:

With the promos over we can join the commentary team who for a while appears to be just Vince but then it turns out Susan St. James has joined him. Now, I have no idea who Susan may be but I've never heard of her before and I don't think she's got any connections to professional wrestling. What exactly are her credentials that qualify her for an important job on the biggest WWF show of the year? I mean, this is a woman who describes an armbar from Orndorff as an “ancient Chinese technique”. I'm not sure myself but I imagine Vince will be taking an close look at those credentials boobs after the show.

Susan St. James was an actress who starred on two TV shows that I've heard of but haven't seen (McMillan & Wife and Kate & Allie). She got that spot because she's married to Vince's BFF and XFL co-creator Dick Ebersol.

She's considered to be only the second worst celebrity PPV commentator. Sadly, I don't think you'll reach far enough to get to #1.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




rare Magic card l00k posted:

How dare you insult Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, a man who rules.

More like Mr Woeful

Jerusalem posted:

Bobby will always hate Hogan, Corey will always hate The Drifter, and Jesse would always hate Tito Santana vv

As much as I know it was acceptable at the time, I find the poo poo that Jesse gives Tito really distasteful and it does sour me on him just a touch.

DukeofCA posted:

I enjoy reading your reactions to these old shows, but if it takes you four to five days to finish one event you're gonna be here for a long time.

A long time.

Especially when we bump up to twelve shows a year.

Life's about the journey, my friend.

Gavok posted:

Wrestlemania WAS the major poo poo that went down.

I realise it's been 6 months since the first thread but I don't remember anything going on WM1 that involved Orndorff turning face. I might just be having a brain fart though.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

I'm sure Bob Orton accidentally clubbing him with his cast, causing Orndorff to eat the pin was the catalyst.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Davros1 posted:

I miss the Coliseum Video music and vignettes.

I have no idea what these are, could you explain?

Jerusalem posted:

JYD winning by count-out after taking a chairshot.... what a bizarre ending to the tournament.

The whole show seemed designed to put Savage over huge and then it just... didn't. I know JYD is meant to have a pretty big fanbase at this point but the finish wouldn't even get them excited.

Maxwell Lord posted:

Wrestlemania I was crude in some ways, but considering how well things needed to go for such an event in order for the whole gamble to work, they got pretty lucky. I feel like WM 2 is some sort of weird karmic payback. All sorts of poo poo goes wrong. Ray Charles' rendition of America the Beautiful is actually hard to hear properly, they screw up announcing the finish of the first match, this thing just instantly falls apart.

I really can't stress how diabolical the production values of this show are. These are the most basic foundations for running a wrestling federation and they're just not getting it.

Gavok posted:

She's considered to be only the second worst celebrity PPV commentator. Sadly, I don't think you'll reach far enough to get to #1.

Pretty sure I already disagree with this, I'll get into it soon enough.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Rarity posted:

I have no idea what these are, could you explain?



Watch the opening minutes to these:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87xdVuLcrJc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcZHW9d8Kho

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?





I made it right up to the point where the first video went into a Star Wars crawl

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

by Smythe


I see Rarity has only now watched her first George Steele match.

spoiler alert the rest are all like this one

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007

ba-ba-DOOP DOOP DOOP DO-DO DOOP DOOP DOOP


George Steele owned

Benne
Sep 2, 2011

STOP DOING HEROIN

You either "get" George Steele or you don't, so yeah, if you don't enjoy that gimmick then it's gonna be rough.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Luckily, I'm pretty sure that was George Steele's only PPV match ever, so Rarity is in the clear.

Rarity posted:

I realise it's been 6 months since the first thread but I don't remember anything going on WM1 that involved Orndorff turning face. I might just be having a brain fart though.

The WM1 main event ended with Orndorff holding Mr. T (or was it Hogan?) with Orton jumping off the ropes and swinging his cast. The guy Orndorff was holding onto got out of the way and Orndorff got knocked the gently caress out. He was pinned and the faces won. Afterwards, Piper and Orton looked absolutely disgusted and blamed Orndorff for the loss, choosing to leave the ring without him. When Orndorff finally got up, he sprang up confused with his fists up, but Hogan and T both acted less like they wanted to fight him and more that they were genuinely worried about his well-being. Orndorff then walked off alone, disheveled and distraught over being abandoned.

Rarity posted:

Pretty sure I already disagree with this, I'll get into it soon enough.

I hope you don't mean Elvira because she openly talked about wanting to see Terry Funk's penis and that makes her all right.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




C. Everett Koop posted:

I see Rarity has only now watched her first George Steele match.

spoiler alert the rest are all like this one

Oh for gently caress sa...

Gavok posted:

Luckily, I'm pretty sure that was George Steele's only PPV match ever, so Rarity is in the clear.

Yessssssssssssss

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Wait I'm genuinely confused. How can someone hate george steele?

Like, he has a green tongue, and he eats turnbuckles???

Xerzes
May 16, 2012


Platypus Farm posted:

Wait I'm genuinely confused. How can someone hate george steele?

Like, he has a green tongue, and he eats turnbuckles???

Plus he had his own Daryl, named Mine and some kind of monster.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Over in Chicago Mean Gene is chilling with Big John Studd and... offensive guard for the Atlanta Falcons, Bill Fralic? While Fralic might seem like a bizarre addition to tonight's proceedings it turns out a whole bunch of NFL players have been included in the Battle Royal. It's like the show is purposefully trying to sap any interest I manage to find. Fralic and Studd start to get mad so Mean Gene asks for “a little decorum”. Hee! Studd grabs a football and squashes it like a lemon. I guess we're setting up Fralic vs. Studd as the big story for the match. (Spoiler: we're not).

Continuing to rack up the air miles we return to New York where Vince and Susan have found a couple of seats away from the action and pair of giant microphones. The entire headset is very distracting and makes Vince look hilariously goofy. Vince asks Susan is she's got a fear of snakes and oh boy... could it be...

It is!

It's Jake the Snake!

Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. George Wells

quote:

INTRODUCING...



Ok, so Jake Roberts. By the time I got into wrestling in 2000 Jake was firmly off the wagon, his WWF days long past. I believe he did make one terrible appearance in the horror show that was Heroes of Wrestling but gently caress me, I wasn't going to watch that. All I've ever known Jake as was the cautionary tale. Although I did once have a friend who told me she was Jake's ex-wife but she was blatantly lying. So I essentially have zero knowledge of Jake as wrestler. This is my first time getting a look at Jake in his prime, here's hoping he can live up to the hype.

Jake makes a really good first impression. He's presented as a big deal and Vince and Susan keep on hyping up the snake, although that mullet is goddam ugly and he could really do with some entrance music. Wells is also better than I expected for a guy who I assume is just a random jobber. He gets in a lovely headscissors and some more offence that Jake sells like a champ. Jake is throwing himself around the ring like Ziggler, which I always appreciate. Jake manages to spike Wells with the DDT and you know what? It really does look as brutal as everyone always told me. Jake wins.

Of course this means that Damien gets to come out to play. Susan starts shrieking on commentary even though we've already seen she's miles away from the ring. Jake wraps Damien around Wells's neck and to be honest, this doesn't really seem like a big deal. It looks more like Damien is giving Wells a hug than anything else. That is until Wells starts gagging up a whole load of spit and we get a proper look at Damien. gently caress me, that's a huge snake. All in all this a very short introduction to Jake Roberts but he leaves a positive first impression. In a world of mostly bland and featureless characters he definitely stands out.


Damien: The World's Friendliest Snake

Next there's a short video clip of what brought Piper and Mr. T to the dance (TM. Jim Ross), which involved a double team attack from Piper and Orton. These two are starting to get right on my tits. I'm not even sure why but I think that means they're good at being dickish heels.

However, we can't forget that this extravaganza is a three arena affair so time for our first visit to Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena where Jesse Ventura is with Hulk Hogan and seriously, what the gently caress is Jesse wearing this time? Look at this poo poo.


Cleopatra, comin' atcha!

Has someone stolen all of the mirrors from Jesse's house? Or is Jesse actually a vampire and unable to see his reflection? There has to be an explanation for how something like this happens. It turns out that Hogan vs. Bundy is a cage match which adds a nice little element of danger to the affair. Hogan says that a lot of dudes around here go down awful quick so Jesse retorts that good guys don't always finish first. Can these two just screw and get it over with?

Boxing Match
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T


Back in New York it's time for our main event. Or at least, our first main event. This show has quite a lot of them. And that means it's time for... yep, you guessed it, time for celebrities! First up Finkel introduces our guest ring announcer, Joan Rivers, who in turn introduces our guest judges. Now I realise that when this first aired I was 1 year old and across an ocean but I imagine that even if I hadn't been I wouldn't know who these people are. First up is Darryl Dawkins, a local basketball player. Next is “showbusiness legend” Cab Calloway and finally someone from Watergate called G. Gordon Liddy. None of these people have any qualifications to judge a boxing match. Although as it turns out they will not do a single thing during the match and so this entire segment is irrelevant.

...I just checked up Liddy on Wikipedia and he's one of the main perpetrators of Watergate. And now he's in a WWF ring getting a hero's welcome. For gently caress sake, Vince.

Oh yeah, there's also a guest timekeeper called Herb and I just googled him and all and he's a guy from a Burger King ad campaign. We are really scraping the bottom of the loving barrel here. That's it for the celebrities, we can crack on with the action now.

So here's my problem with this match. I can't stand boxing. It's not visually interesting and most of the time involves the two combatants hugging each other really tight. There's also not much going on to it apart from 'he punched the other guy, now the other guy punched him'. I mean, there's a reason nobody liked Brawl For All. However, I will try to persevere. The first round is dull, not much happens. In the round break Piper and Mr. T refuse to break up and everyone jumps in to pull them apart. I should mention here that Cowboy Bob Orton is in Piper's corner, once again being denied a match on the main card.

Round 2 is a bit more lively. Piper is on top for most of the round and knocks Mr. T down with a minute left on the clock. Mr. T gets up but gets knocked down again at the end of the round. It's all getting a bit Chumbawumba around here. During this break Piper grabs a bottle of water and empties it on Mr. T. What is Piper hoping to achieve here? Does he think that Mr. T is the Wicked Witch of the West? Round 3 is the same but in reverse with Mr. T getting Piper down for a couple of knockouts. Fair play to Mr. T, his punches are looking stiff as gently caress and both guys are starting to forget their defensive fundamentals. At the next break both men are one more knockout away from winning.


This girl gets a huge pop from the crowd. I can't imagine why.

Piper kicks off the next round by picking up his stool and just lobbing it at Mr. T. Ow! The ref just looks at this and goes 'eh, whatever' so the match continues. This is where things start to go a bit insane with both men swinging their arms around like crazy. Piper pushes the ref down to the mat and then picks up Mr. T into a body slam. Unfortunately WWF hadn't invented ref bumps yet so the ref calls for the match and everybody runs into the ring for another clusterfuck. And so your first main event ends in a win for Mr. T by... DQ.

This was simultaneously kind of fun and also a huge waste of time.

Rarity fucked around with this message at Jul 31, 2017 around 20:46

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Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Uh, Cab Calloway is actually a pretty big deal in jazz and big band music, and had a small revival in popularity around this time because he was in the Blues Brothers movie.

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