Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«69 »
  • Post
  • Reply
Xerzes
May 16, 2012


Rarity posted:

I'm British too, doesnt mean I get to chill at ringside with Jack Gallagher

Have you asked?

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




The Funk Brothers w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana

Next up we have a trio of familiar faces plus Terry Funk's younger brother, Hoss. Yes, the big roidy hoss is called Hoss. I can't wait to see the next big WWF star, Tiny Flyman! The match begins with JYD taking out the Funks with a series of body slams. Somewhere in the country a young Ezekiel Jackson watches the screen in awe.

What's immediately noticeable about this match is that Jimmy is feeling a lot more excitable than his previous appearance. He does not stop yelling for as much as a second and he makes it really hard to hear the commentary team. It's just an appalling display of audio mixing. Jimmy keeps on getting involved with his traditional slimy antics to Elvira's total disgust. From the way she reacts to everything tonight I get the feeling that nobody has told Elvira that wrestling is fake. I get the need to protect kayfabe but seriously, you gotta let your commentators in on the secret.

Tito and Terry trade suplexes while Elvira worries about their trunks breaking off. Alfred suggests that if their trunks break off then Elvira will get a real show which she gets very excited about. Come on, Elvira. It's not cool for Lawler and it's not cool for you. Elvira keeps on cheering for JYD and Tito so Jesse tells her that she's not allowed to be biased. Little hypocritical, methinks. I hate to keep on harping about Elvira but she's just terrible.

The Funks take control of Tito until he manages to get the hot tag to a decent pop. JYD sends Terry flying right over the top rope with a back body drop onto the concrete. Ouch! The action spills to the outside where Terry gets a body slam onto the timekeeper's table! It's all getting a bit E-C-Dub around here. He recovers and gets the megaphone while the ref's back is turned to nail JYD and get the win. Terry Funk looks like a complete wreck after the match and I'm not surprised. That is one crazy son of a bitch.

While the ring crew come out to build the cage for the main event we get a little recap package. In the recap Bundy absolutely destroys Hogan with a series of body splashes, squishing him up like a lemon. Then there's an interview with Mean Gene from Hogan's rehab gym. Unfortunately, Mean Gene fails to ask the most pressing question on my lips which is why is Hillbilly Jim just hanging out in Hogan's gym? Everyone's doing a pretty decent job of selling the extent of Hogan's injuries, it's not like nowadays when someone just comes out with a bit of tape round their shoulder and you know they're faking (hi, Tozawa!). Hogan hangs a dumbbell from his shoulders and starts doing chinups with a manic look in his eye. I'm starting to think he might be legit insane.


Every time I look at this picture I get very disturbed. Guess why.

Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy join Jesse for a quick interview. Jesse has concerns about this cage match being a risk to Bundy's beautiful face but I don't think he needs to worry. Bundy already looks like a penis. Heenan says that it's time to get wild for Bundymania. Yeah, I don't think that's got such a ring to it, really.

Just time to go back to New York for a last venue change of the night where Vince and Susan talk up Hogan's chances. They're sat up in the rafters of the arena and it's clear that everyone else has abandoned them to start the after party. Will the last one out of the building please turn out the lights?

WWF Title Cage Match
King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Hulk Hogan


There's more celebrities before we start but I'm done, I'm officially checked out of the celebrity game. Bundy makes his way out next and we get our first good look at the teeny-tiny cage. That thing is barely taller than the turnbuckles. I have a feeling that this stip heavily favours Hogan because it's not like Bundy is going to be climbing over anything and it looks like he can't even fit through the little door. Hogan's out next to a huge ovation while he chews on the end of his bandana like a demon. That is a man who is fighting a serious gurn.

Hogan starts out with a burst of fire but the match quickly descends into a slow, plodding brawl. Bundy ends up in control and starts tearing off the bandages around Hogan's injured ribs. Elvira thinks that he's tearing off a belt. For gently caress sake, woman. Not being a fan of wrestling and not understanding its language I can understand but all we're looking for here is being able to use your eyes correctly. She is awful. Just awful.


Bundy tries to save Hogan from strangulation by a small white snake

Hogan starts to gain some momentum and sends Bundy flying into the cage leading to our first bladejob of this retrospective. It's very strange seeing that much emphasis being put on one simple hit off the cage but it certainly works. Hogan tries to lift up Bundy for a body slam but his ribs give out and Bundy just crushes him. Elvira and Jesse get into a tiff on commentary and Elvira asks him if he's jealous because he doesn't have a cartoon show. Just awful.

We're building up to the finish now as Bundy hits Hogan with the Avalanche, a body splash and another Avalanche but uh oh, it's Hulk up time! Hogan does his thing then tries the body slam again and gets it followed by the Leg Drop. That's enough to leave Bundy on the mat while Hogan climbs out of the cage to retain the title. Hogan chases Heenan all around the ring and into the cage. At this point the referees decide it's totally cool to just lock the door on them, leaving Heenan to be assaulted by Hogan. Cheer for your good guy while he commits a felony, America! Bundy's face is covered in blood, Hogan stands tall and the commentary team proclaim it the match of the decade (god I hope not) as we come to a close. I suppose this one did end up being better than I expected but not by much.

And that is Wrestlemania II done and dusted and oh my god, it was so bad. And this is putting aside the action in the ring or the booking choices. Just from a basic production standpoint this was an absolute shambles. The way this show was presented made WWF look like a rookie promotion and the choice of using non-industry commentators was a giant wet fart. Beyond that there were some horrible matches and some truly diabolical attempts at comedy. The only things this show has going for it are the Tag Team Title match, Bret Hart's PPV debut and a couple of bumps from Terry Funk. Those are the only things saving it from the lowest possible rating. Two Kanes!

/10

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Hoss is actually Dory Funk Jr, who is almost as well known and respected as his little brother (he is Terry's shoot brother), and is a pretty successful trainer too, having helped train Edge, Christian, Mickie James, Kurt Angle and the Hardys.

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



Gaz-L posted:

Hoss is actually Dory Funk Jr, who is almost as well known and respected as his little brother (he is Terry's shoot brother), and is a pretty successful trainer too, having helped train Edge, Christian, Mickie James, Kurt Angle and the Hardys.

Back in the days when it was still a big deal, he held the NWA World Championship for almost five years (?). I seem to recall Bret Hart saying he learned a ton from him in his book, but it's been a long time since I read it.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Rarity posted:

I'm British too, doesnt mean I get to chill at ringside with Jack Gallagher

Look in your mailbox more often, the invitations have been piling up!

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Jerusalem posted:

Look in your mailbox more often, the invitations have been piling up!

It's also extremely rude not to RSVP, even if you can't go. I always make sure to let Mr Gallagher know when I can't make it.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Wrestlemania III: The Assassination of Andre the Giant by the Coward Hulk Hogan

What I Think I Know

  • This is the night that the Hulkster lifted up Andre the Giant in front of a million screaming Hulkamaniacs and slammed him all the way to the mat, brother!
  • There's also a Savage vs. Steamboat match for the IC title that is the first Great match in WWF history. So that'll be nice.




It's spring 1987, little Rarity is running around her living room in nappies and across the Atlantic the WWF are gearing up for the third run at their annual extravaganza, Wrestlemania III. We are live from the Pontiac Silverdome and right off the bat the show conveys a sense of scale never seen before from a wrestling show. It's like looking at a sea of people and to steal a phrase from Mean Gene the atmosphere is electric. This instantly feels like the biggest show the WWF have ever run, it's total spectacle.


The view from the top row must have sucked, to be fair

We're welcomed by Vince McMahon before leading straight into this year's rendition of America the Beautiful as sung by Aretha Franklin. Sidenote: every time I ever talk about this woman I want to call her Urethra Franklin. It's an issue. This is a much better version of the song than last year's attempt. Aretha's got a great voice and while they do end up going for the montage it's a lot more restrained in its patriotic drum-banging.

Up in the commentary box our broadcast team is our old friends, Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura. They're with... ugh, celebrities and I'll get to them in a moment but first it's time for a new segment that I like to call...



I swear, every time I see Jesse he just looks more and more ridiculous. To celebrate tonight's occasion he has decided to break out something a bit classy, a snakeskin leather tracksuit which he has accessorised with a do-rag and gigantic square earrings. He looks like a gay Italian gangster. Where does he find all this stuff? It's like he's done a Supermarket Sweep through a charity shop.


I've got a dress that looks exactly like that.

With that insanity well and truly covered we can turn our focus to this show's celebrities de jeur. They are the host of Entertainment Tonight, Mary Hart, and retired baseball star, Bob Uecker. I suppose they're a step above Herb.

The Can-Am Connection vs. Don Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton w/ Mr. Fuji

Wow, the last year has not been kind to Cowboy Bob. Here is a dude that is starting to develop a serious case of saggy chin. As for Muraco it seems like he's spent the last 365 days pounding the 'roids because he's looking even bulgier than ever. They're set to take on the Can-Am Connection who are making their PPV debut and one of these guys is Rick Martel. Unfortunately, the only thing I remember about Rick Martel is that there was once a dude called Rick Martel. However, I have a feeling he's going to be one to watch out for as we progress through the timeline.

The match begins and one problem of holding Wrestlemania in such a large stadium soon becomes apparent. Due to the crowd setup the hard-cam is way, way back from the ring meaning a lot of the action is filmed from really awkward long shots. Not only does it feel awkward, it makes the viewer feel really disconnected from the action in the ring.


I have no idea what's going on in this shot

Production issues aside, the match goes by at a fair clip. The Can-Am Connection make a very good first impression. Both Martel and his partner, Tom Zenk, work at a fast pace and show off good technique. There's a beautiful double monkey-flip from the boys on Muraco. Things break down from there with all men in the ring and Muraco ends up hitting a back body drop on Orton. One of Can-Am gets in a crossbody on Muraco and that's all she wrote. It takes me two minutes to work out it was Zenk because they both look exactly the same. Come on boys, even the Usos are easier to tell apart.

The match was short but it was fun for the time it got. Martel and Zenk have already won me over and I want to see them again in a bigger showcase. However, at this juncture there's a more important issue that needs to be addressed.

What the hell is the point of Mr. Fuji?

Ok, so I've seen Fuji across four separate shows now and so far he has been absolutely worthless as a manager. All he does in every match is stand there. You've got guys like Jimmy Hart who runs around the ring like the most annoying yappy chihuahua and Bobby Heenan who exemplifies the term 'huge jerk'. Fuji does nothing. He adds nothing. So far it seems like he exists so that heels can walk out with a foreigner to ensure the crowd boos them and that as a concept is disgusting. This is the first occasion of me calling time on a performer but I'm out. I don't want to see him again.

Billy Jack Haynes vs. Hercules w/ Bobby Heenan

Before the match starts we get the first video recap package of the night. I'm happy to say there's going to be quite a few of these and it's really nice to see WWF starting to grow towards the presentation that we're used to. This recap is about Billy and Hercules trying to put each other in the Full Nelson. This is an important plot point for later.

In the back Mean Gene Okerlund remains on interview duty where he stands with Hercules and Bobby Heenan, who calls their opponent Billy Jerk Haynes. Seriously, Heenan? How old are you, twelve? Herc' has packed on the muscle over the last year and also got his hands on the Junkyard Dog's chains. Herc' talks about his battles with Samson and Atlas and dear god, this dude is meant to be the actual mythological Hercules. I just don't have the suspension of disbelief to deal with this.

Herc' and Heenan come out for the match and I realise that this is the show with the tiny little ring cars! Those things are adorably dinky. Although seeing colourful characters being driven on floats past giant crowds does remind me a bit too much of that bit from the Hunger Games where J-Law's clothes are on fire which ruins it a little.

Wait, that moment's awesome.


So awesome.

Putting my huge girlcrush on J-Law aside it's also worth mentioning that once the ring cars reach the end of the entrance the wrestlers have the pleasure of being escorted into the ring by the Federettes, a lovely collection of girls with bright eyes, eager smiles and hopes and dreams that we will never be told about. I guess this is a step up from the ring girls in their panties last year.

So I didn't pay much attention to Herc' in his debut appearance at Wrestlemania 2 and the most interesting thing about Billy is the gold lam jacket he comes out wearing so I'm expecting this match to be a whole lot of nothing. However, not long into the match I start to become pleasantly surprised. Billy and Herc' are a pair of huge roided up dudes built like brick shithouses and they are just stiffing the hell out of each other.

That's right, it's our very first real hoss off.

Billy hits Herc' with a beautiful press slam but Herc' retaliates with a clothesline so stiff that somewhere JBL's buttocks clench up. Both guys continue to just wail on each other all while the commentary starts to take a disturbingly sexual turn. Which can only mean one thing, it's...

HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

Gorilla Monsoon: Billy Jack's exposing that backside to Hercules


The imagery isn't exactly helping either

Herc' locks in the Full Nelson on Billy and almost wipes him out but Billy gets a second wind. The crowd's really into the comeback and Billy locks on his own Full Nelson but Herc' makes it to the ropes. The action spills outside the ring where Billy slaps on another Full Nelson and... it's a double countout. Godammit. Billy starts chasing after Heenan but Herc' gets his hands on his chain and nails Billy right in the face with it. A whole bunch of times. Somewhere in there Billy gets busted open and blood ends up covering half of his face. Herc' adds insult to injury with one last Full Nelson for good measure.

Considering I had already written this match off before it started this one really impressed me. Billy and Herc' were both totally brutal with each other and there was some genuine psychology involved in how it worked around the Full Nelson. The post-match angle was also pretty intense. The finish was pants but all in all I was highly entertained. That puts us two for two on good matches!

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007

ba-ba-DOOP DOOP DOOP DO-DO DOOP DOOP DOOP


Rarity posted:

but first it's time for a new segment that I like to call...



hahahaha i love this

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



DJExile posted:

hahahaha i love this

We're going to be seeing a lot of it in the years to come. Well done.

DukeofCA
Aug 17, 2011

I am shocked and appalled.

Rarity posted:

Herc' talks about his battles with Samson and Atlas and dear god, this dude is meant to be the actual mythological Hercules. I just don't have the suspension of disbelief to deal with this.

Ah yes, my favorite part of the Bible was when Samson fought Hercules.

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


Mr Fuji actually wrestled way back when, and also would throw salt in the eyes of the good guys sometimes as a manager. Don't know why he didn't do poo poo in these shows though.

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

HUSS
HUSS
HUSS


He also used the titty twister as a submission move.

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



DukeofCA posted:

Ah yes, my favorite part of the Bible was when Samson fought Hercules.

That's my favourite Greek legend, too.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




King Kong Bundy, Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook vs. Hillbilly Jim, Little Beaver and the Haiti Kid

And this runaway train of quality comes to a screeching halt as we join Mean Gene in the back with King Kong Bundy and... for gently caress sake. Little people.


Nothing that happens from here can be good.

Let me preface the rest of this match with the acknowledgement the there is nothing inherently wrong with little people wrestling. I don't have much experience of them but El Torito was a really good worker and I know he's not the only one. However, knowing Vince McMahon and knowing that this is the 1980s there is just no way these people will be treated with respect and dignity. We're off to a great start with Bundy threatening to to squash the little people.

Mean Gene follows up with an interview with Jim and his little people. Rather than be directly offensive Jim chooses to be patronising as hell before picking the little guys up in his arms. At no point during either of these interviews were any of the little people allowed to say even one word. This is all so awful.

Jim and his friends come out to the obnoxious sounds of banjo twangs. I really hoped we were done with those after Uncle Elmer. Gino and Jesse have been joined on commentary by Bob Uecker because it worked so well when we did this last year. The match begins with Haiti Kid and Tokyo who zip around the ring with some quick offence. The commentators keep talking about midgets and dear god someone make this stop.


The two best workers in this match

The little guys keep up the workrate until Bundy gets tagged in. Even though the rules dictate Bundy and Jim can only fight each other Beaver still wants to take him on. Beaver hits a dropkick but Bundy completely no-sells it so he runs off to tag in Jim. Every time Bundy gets distracted Beaver runs back into the ring to fight him. I think this is meant to be funny.

Jesse says that there's a lot of Beaver all over this place. That's no way to talk about the Federettes!

Beaver runs back into the ring and Bundy's finally had enough. He picks up Beaver and hits a body slam them drops the elbow. It's a crappy DQ finish because he attacked one of the little people but I don't even care because this has mercifully reached its conclusion. Tokyo and Littlebrook turn on Bundy and everyone drives him out of the ring. That's quite enough of that.

I bet you thought the MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT would come out of this one. Don't worry, that's coming up later.

In the back a crazy Mary Hart has attacked Mean Gene, beaten him over the head with a chair and torn the microphone from his cold dead hands so that she can have a few words with Miss Elizabeth. Unfortunately, just as Elizabeth's about to speak Randy Savage shows up, blocks her from camera and takes all the attention by spouting absolutely random gibberish. Fascinating is the word of the day! Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, Mean Gene.


If you look closely you can still see the blood dripping from the microphone

Junkyard Dog vs. Harley Race w/ Fabulous Moolah and Bobby Heenan

This one starts with another video recap and this one feels really legit. Race, who's working your standard king gimmick, wants JYD to bow down. You might say he wants him to get down on his knees, dog. Instead JYD steals Race's robe and crown. Never believe that WWF didn't start playing into black stereotypes until Cryme Tyme.

In the back as if by instinct the corpse of Mean Gene has pulled itself upright and waved a microphone in the direction of Race, who's joined by Moolah and Heenan. First up let me say that I was shocked to see Harley Race show up here. I always thought Race was from the same generation as Bruno Sammartino and Gorgeous George and such, i.e. the pre-PPV era. I'm guessing he won't be sticking around for long. The promo itself is completely generic. I don't remember any of it cause I spent the whole time being impressed at how blatantly Moolah didn't want to be there.


You know she's thinking about suffocating Race with that cushion

Race and company come on out to the ring and hang on a second, that music sounds familiar. That's Jerry Lawler's song! Oh god, that reminds me I have many, many years of Lawler coming up. Ugh. Bob Uecker goes into a verbal orgasm at the mere sight of Moolah and thankfully leaves the commentary booth to go find her. That was mercifully short.

In the interview area JYD also happens across the corpse of Mean Gene. He believes its time that he sat on the throne and wore the crown. What happened to the JYD who delivered an awesome promo at the first Wrestlemania? Every time since he's been rubbish on the mic.

Pants on the mic he may be but when he comes out JYD is ridiculously over with the crowd. I suppose he is the first big crowd-pleaser to show up. The match is your standard slow brawl until JYD falls outside. Race does a diving headbutt off the apron but JYD rolls out of the way. This would be really, really impressive IF THE CAMERA DIDN'T MISS THE SPOT.

For some reason every time JYD whips him into the ropes Race jumps out of the ring. It looks very strange. Race finally gets a headbutt in on JYD but it only ends up hurting himself. I didn't realise JYD was Samoan! JYD gets in some headbutts of his own but Race gets in a belly to belly suplex. JYD makes a vague effort to kick out but it's like a dead fish flopping around on the beach and Race wins.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that this match has a stipulation, the loser must bow down to the winner. So after the match we are treated to the sight of a white aristocrat forcing a half-naked black man to bow before him. I thought this was 1987, not 1787. However, JYD won't take such treatment lying down and blasts Race with a chair when he's not looking. Hurray, I suppose.


Yer' a wizard, Junkyard!

This match felt like a waste of time that just existed to give JYD something to do. And I've got to say JYD is starting to feel a bit out of place compared to what's going on around him. We're starting to see more and more younger guys with a sleek physique and a bit of pace like Savage, the Harts and Martel and JYD just feels like an old, flabby dude in comparison. I'm not calling time just yet but you're on the watchlist, JYD.

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Bob Uecker will later be literally the best part of a subsequent wrestlemania, don't you worry.

And no, I'm not joking.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Platypus Farm posted:

Bob Uecker will later be literally the best part of a subsequent wrestlemania, don't you worry.

And no, I'm not joking.

Uecker rules at selling.

I hope Rarity goes far enough in this thread to get through Rick Martel's whole WWF career. He's sort of like an alternate Earth Shawn Michaels who goes through the same path, only Vince never pulls the trigger on him in any meaningful way and you get a couple years of, "He's still around?" where he mostly coasts on once doing pretty well in a Royal Rumble.

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



Gavok posted:

Uecker rules at selling.

I hope Rarity goes far enough in this thread to get through Rick Martel's whole WWF career. He's sort of like an alternate Earth Shawn Michaels who goes through the same path, only Vince never pulls the trigger on him in any meaningful way and you get a couple years of, "He's still around?" where he mostly coasts on once doing pretty well in a Royal Rumble.

That's a pretty good way of summing him up (I'll refrain from spoiling his gimmick).

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


poo poo's about to get good in WM3!

(looks at upcoming matches)

Uh... at some point!

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


The next match has a fairly important angle stemming from it, doesn't it?

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Rarity - I was watching poo poo on youtube earlier and found this. It reminded me of your undying love of Lord Alfred "Biggest Dick in the Universe" Hayes, so I thought you might enjoy it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcZHW9d8Kho

It's called a bloopers video, but honestly about 3/4 of the thing is about Lord Alfred saying wonderful things.

It includes gems such as: Lord Alfred drinking a protein shake and almost vomiting; Lord Alfred calling Jesse Ventura's hat stupid; Lord Alfred saying the fabulous moolah is odious

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Chaos in the back as the shambling corpse of Mean Gene runs amok through the locker room. Ever the professional Vince steps in to take over interview duties with Hulk Hogan. And by god, if there was any cocaine in the tri-county area this morning there sure ain't any more because that's how much of it Hulk must have done that much to prep for this evening. Hulk immediately starts yelling at the camera and tearing his top off. He says that he's got it easy tonight as he only has to beat a giant while Andre has to beat every Hulkamaniac in the world. He adds that Hulkamania is the purest form of truth. No, that'll be the stuff that's gone up your nose.


Vince is concentrating SO HARD in this picture

The Rougeau Brothers vs. Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake w/ Johnny Valiant and Dino Bravo

Elsewhere in the back Luscious Johnny clocks sight of Mean Gene's corpse and throws it off the trail of his main guys Valentine and Brutus by redirecting him towards Dino who starts rambling in French. Johnny throws up the horns in self defence.

Luckily, Johnny's scheme works and the group are able to escape and find their way to the ring. Valentine is wearing an incredibly ostentatious black sequin robe with a picture of a hammer on it. I'm not sure a nickname like the Hammer really works with the Flair look. These guys will be facing Chuck and Raymond, the Rougeau Brothers. No idea who these guys are and they might as well be the same person. One of them has a moustache but the artificing on this video capture is so bad I can never spot it.

It doesn't take long into the match for the Rougeaus to start impressing me. They show a good level of precision and style including a lovely spinning elbow from (I think) Chuck. All of a sudden Bobby Heenan arrives in the broadcast booth and decides to jump right in on commentary. Valentine slaps on a Figure 4 but whichever Rougeau it is gets to the rope. Heenan is acting super obnoxious on commentary by claiming to be two wins in two so far. Not sure you understand how countouts work there, Bobby. Heenan spends a bit of time insulting the little people from Bundy's match because we didn't get all the good jokes in earlier.

The match breaks down and Brutus accidentally smashes into Valentine. The Rougeaus dump him out and do a really cool double team move on Valentine. It's essentially a combo of the Doomsday Device and the Rough Ryder.


I hereby name this move the Flying Facehump

However, the ref is distracted so he doesn't see the pin! Dino climbs into the ring and clonks the Rougeau and that's enough for Valentine to take the win. After the match Valentine, Dino and Johnny celebrate but cut Brutus out of the group. They ride off in their ring cart to the back without him and that is foul play. Basic rules for a night out, you don't abandon one of the squad just cause they've been a bit aggro.

This match was pretty much just there. It looks to me like this is the start of a Brutus face turn. There's a run that'll fill me with joy, I'm sure.

Hair vs. Hair Match
Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper


Oh Piper, what have they done to you? From main events and celebrity events to a fat manbaby in a dress. You're better than this. To be fair, even Big John Studd would be better than this.

We begin with a video package of Adonis and Piper continuously wrecking up furniture. Jimmy slaps Piper and I suddenly realise that Piper has gone face. Wait, how did that happen? These video packages are fun and all but they're not doing a very good job of explaining the storylines. How does the hair fit into all of this?

Attracted by the sound of the megaphone the corpse of Mean Gene has found his way to Adonis and Jimmy. I'm glad to say that Adonis has made a couple of changes from last year that are already a huge improvement to the gimmick. For starters, he given up the granny dresses in favour of a Ziggy Stardust vibe. Secondly, he's discovered cocaine. He's got a gigantic pair of plastic scissors and he keeps on shaking them and staring into the camera with these huge bug eyes.


Adonis has got some serious store opening ceremonies to attend

Adonis and Jimmy make their way out to the ring shortly followed by Piper who even as a face is still rolling out with the loving bagpipe music. He's not even using a ring cart, he's heading all the way out on his own. That does look so much cooller.

And it's here, with Piper halfway down the entrance, that the penny drops for me. Gino throws out the piece of information that this is Piper's last ever match! Leaving aside that even with my limited knowledge of wrestling history I know that this isn't true, assuming this is to be Piper's last ever match then what an awful way to go out. In a midcard match against Adrian loving Adonis.

As Piper reaches the ring there's a brief appearance of a sign in the crowd that reads AIDS ADONIS. Jesus!

The match begins and Piper immediately rips his belt off and starts whipping Adonis and Jimmy with it. The ref looks at all of this and decides that yeah sure, this is all ok. Adonis manages to grab the belt and turn the tables on Piper. This too is perfectly acceptable. Sidenote: every time I see Adonis on one of these shows it looks like his belly's got another roll of flab. Someone's been going in hard on the Weetabix.

Piper keeps on grabbing Jimmy and throwing him into Adonis like a human bowling ball. It's pretty amusing. However, Adonis ends up taking control of the match and putting in a huge beating to Piper. We've not really seen Piper have to sell before and it turns out he's really good at it, it's very believable. Jimmy sprays Piper with the perfume and Adonis locks in Goodnight Irene, a.k.a. your bog standard sleeper hold. The ref raises Piper's hand and it drops. He raises it again and it drops once more. He raises it a third time...

...and Adonis decides he's already won and lets go. He starts to celebrate like a doofus while behind him Piper's arm remains firmly in the air. And then who should show up to get Piper back in the game?

Only Brutus bloomin' Beefcake!

Brutus slaps Piper until he's back on his feet. Adonis takes a swing at Piper with the scissors but Piper dodges and the scissors rebound off the ropes to hit Adonis. Piper slaps on his own sleeper hold and Adonis is off to beddy-byes.


Mega-zord Piper, transform!

Of course, due to reasons that I'm sure were very apparent at the time this means that Adonis needs to have his hair shaved. It sure is a fortuitous happen-stance that Brutus The Barber Beefcake is here then! Brutus takes the clippers to Adonis's hair and starts taking it off. And keeps going. And going.

And going.

Piper just stands around awkwardly in the background while Brutus does his thing, which does not seem the best way to commemorate one of your biggest stars in his farewell match. Eventually Brutus gives up and Piper shows Adonis his reflection in the mirror. Which of course brings us to...

WORST HAIR


This award was never in doubt

Adonis tries to attack Piper but he can't catch up so he leaves with Jimmy hiding his hair under his robe. This leaves Piper to soak up the applause as Finkel reminds us all that this is his last ever match. Ok, so I pretty much shat on the idea at the start of the match but this did end up working pretty well. They gave one of their top guys the chance to go out on a high in his own Wrestlemania moment that wasn't overshadowed by his opponent and didn't interfere with any of their young rising talents. Perhaps what really seals it for me is the crowd, they are so loud for Piper at the end that it really gets across the enormity of Piper's departure. After all, we're never going to see him again.

Ah.

Ah, yeah. That.

MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION

Gorilla Monsoon: You're looking at a true champion in Rowdy Roddy Piper, the last time we will ever see him inside the square circle.


I love that I get to use this photo two shows in a row

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

by Smythe


Fun fact: that match was how Brutus got the Barber nickname. Before that he was just a guy but afterwards it was straight to the moon!!!!!

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


C. Everett Koop posted:

Fun fact: that match was how Brutus got the Barber nickname. Before that he was just a guy but afterwards it was straight to the moon!!!!!

And then straight to the face!!!!!

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

I've been looking at Prime Time Wrestling from 1986 and have tried to trace Piper's face turn. Apparently this whole feud started over his and Adonis' competing talk shows, Piper's Pit and The Flower Shop. Piper alienated all his old henchmen by constantly insulting them so they joined with Adonis to beat him savagely.

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



Man, the problem with watching only the PPVs is that sometimes you miss other classic cocaine-Hulk promos like the one before his SNME match with...Volkoff? where he points to his hand and yells, "this is where the power lies!".

Skinty McEdger
Mar 9, 2008

I have NEVER received the respect I deserve as the leader and founder of The Masterflock, the internet's largest and oldest Christopher Masterpiece fan group in all of history, and I DEMAND that changes. From now on, you will respect Skinty McEdger!



Gavok posted:

And then straight to the face!!!!!

"Killlll yoooourseeeelllllf"

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


The Barber gimmick was really over in the 1980s... somehow.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake is one of those rare but fun "double gimmick" names, like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat or Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


How is Steamboat's name a double? He wasn't a literal dragon until the WWF, and then he wasn't allowed to be Steamboat.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


As a kid I really loved Brutus and I have no earthly idea why, beyond something about how cartoonish he was struck a chord. I don't want to go back and rewatch the Outlaw Ron Bass feud because I remember it as a horrifying, devastating and bloody assault by Bass taking the spurs to Brutus' face, and I'm worried if I go back and rewatch it it'll actually be really lame. Also I don't want to ruin the memories of how fantastic Brutus' ultimate revenge and celebration was.

Gavok posted:

I hope Rarity goes far enough in this thread to get through Rick Martel's whole WWF career. He's sort of like an alternate Earth Shawn Michaels who goes through the same path, only Vince never pulls the trigger on him in any meaningful way and you get a couple years of, "He's still around?" where he mostly coasts on once doing pretty well in a Royal Rumble.

That's what you get for disrespecting Tito Santana

remusclaw
Dec 8, 2009



Jerusalem posted:

As a kid I really loved Brutus and I have no earthly idea why, beyond something about how cartoonish he was struck a chord. I don't want to go back and rewatch the Outlaw Ron Bass feud because I remember it as a horrifying, devastating and bloody assault by Bass taking the spurs to Brutus' face, and I'm worried if I go back and rewatch it it'll actually be really lame. Also I don't want to ruin the memories of how fantastic Brutus' ultimate revenge and celebration was.


That's what you get for disrespecting Tito Santana

I did too and somehow I completely missed everything he ever did after he left the WWF. So when I later found out he had a long awful career in a variety of awful gimmicks afterward I was pretty amused.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Platypus Farm posted:

Rarity - I was watching poo poo on youtube earlier and found this. It reminded me of your undying love of Lord Alfred "Biggest Dick in the Universe" Hayes, so I thought you might enjoy it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcZHW9d8Kho

It's called a bloopers video, but honestly about 3/4 of the thing is about Lord Alfred saying wonderful things.

It includes gems such as: Lord Alfred drinking a protein shake and almost vomiting; Lord Alfred calling Jesse Ventura's hat stupid; Lord Alfred saying the fabulous moolah is odious

This was brilliant, thank you! I love Lord Alfred just poo poo talking the wrestlers to their faces. That man gave zero fucks!

sean10mm posted:

The Barber gimmick was really over in the 1980s... somehow.



Of all the bizarre things about 80s wrestling I'm discovering, this one might top the list

Numero6
Oct 10, 2012

ここは地の果て 流されて俺
今日もさすらい 涙も涸れる
ブルーゲイル


He cut the bad guys' hair and people loved it.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Time for another rotation at the commentary desk as Jesse takes his leave to go and say hi to the 90,000 plus fans in attendance (give or take a couple of ten thousand or so). Taking his place are our old friends Mary, who has chosen this spot as a likely hide out to evade the police chasing her for Mean Gene's murder, and also Bob, who has given up on his quest to find Moolah.

The Hart Foundation and Danny Davis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. The British Bulldogs and Tito Santana

Disaster in the interview area as Mean Gene's corpse has turned full on zombie and is now hunting down wrestlers in a desperate hunger for brains. Luckily, none of them have any to offer so Zombie Mean Gene will have to settle for trite answers to his questioning groans. He finds his way to the Harts, who I'm glad to see are now rocking the hot pink and the sunglasses and they just look so drat cool.

The Harts will be joined by Danny Davis in his debut match for the WWF and I've gotta say, teaming up with the Hart Foundation at Wrestlemania is one hell of a debut. However, it soon becomes clear that Danny is not just your run of the mill wrestleman. It turns out that he's been working as a crooked ref for the last few months until he got fired so now he has decided to become a competitor. I guess I've seen weirder career switches.


I want to punch this man in the face so bad.

Jimmy tells Zombie Mean Gene that they are ready for a war and it's here where I find out who the Harts will be going up against and I freak THE gently caress out. I am so up for seeing these two teams (and also Tito) go up against each other. This is the first real mark out moment I've had watching these shows and it's sure as hell come as a surprise. I didn't realise I was getting so attached to some of these wrestlers as I am but yeah, I am invested.

The Harts and Danny are out first and it's good to see that somewhere in the interim the Harts have won the tag titles. The Bulldogs and Tito are out next and the Bulldogs actually have a real life bulldog with them! The bulldog is called Matilda! My national pride stirs at the sight of these two fine men. These guys couldn't get more British if they were making GBS threads Digestive biscuits.


So drat British

Mary and Bob have remained with us on commentary for this match and this leads to a lovely moment from Mary as she clarifies that she is of no relation to the Hart family. Thanks for that, Mary. I was getting rather confused there for a second. Mary also wonders if the Harts do their work outs in those hot pink numbers. Hee!

Meanwhile in the match Danny is taking great pains to stay out of the action while the Harts take control of Dynamite Kid. At one point Bret misses a second rope elbow drop which looks like it does him some damages. The crowd loving despises Danny, they erupt in a chorus of boos every time he refuses to tag in. Mary says We're going to have to rename Dynamite to Firecracker if he doesn't shake up here and gently caress it, I'm calling it. Mary Hart is a great commentator. Bring on the celebs, WWF. I'll happily accept Brent Spiner and Kim Cattrall if they're going to bring this level of sick burns.

With Dynamite Kid totally out of it Danny comes in for all of two punches before tagging back out. The entire stadium roars in hatred. The Harts continue to dominate and I've got to say for as many things there are to enjoy in this match, the overall pace is quite a step slower than I feel it should be or could be. Bret and the Anvil are working really slowly here, like they never bother getting out of first gear.

Danny keeps on acting like just an absolute rear end in a top hat. I've never heard of this guy before but he's so good at being a smug git and he's got the crowd totally wrapped in. He goes for a springboard splash on Dynamite Kid but he ends up eating a whole lot of knees. Tito makes the hot tag and it's an absolute scorcher. He goes for the Figure 4 but the Anvil saves it. Davey comes in and just flat out MURDERS Danny with a tombstone.

And a suplex.

And the Running Powerslam.


And I do mean murders.

You need to see this sequence here. Like, Danny is flat out dead. The Harts run in to prevent the pinfall and the match breaks down. In the ensuing confusion Danny is able to hit Davey with the megaphone behind the ref's back and he steals the win.

For as slow as most of this match was the ending sequences completely tore it up. Davey is a wrecking ball and Danny is the slimiest little poo poo and I want someone to kick the living poo poo out of him. Great finish to an overall decent match. More of this, please.

Zombie Mean Gene is with Bobby Heenan and a cardboard cut-out of Andre the Giant. Heenan claims that Andre is undefeated for the last 15 years. The cardboard cutout stands still impassively. Heenan tells Hulk that the clock is ticking. The cardboard cutout stands still impressively. Heenan adds that Andre is the odds-on favourite. The cardboard cutout stands still immensely.

Butch Reed w/ Slick vs. Koko B. Ware

We cut back to the ring where I'm delighted to see the arrival of Slick. Now, my only memory of Slick is when he ministered the D-Bry/AJ wedding on Raw 1000 so I'm not sure why I'm so excited but Slick's really pumped to be at Wrestlemania and his enthusiasm is carrying me through. Even more importantly though:

quote:

INTRODUCING...



I confess that I don't know that much about Koko B. Ware. I do know that he was at one point inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. I also know that WWE fans constantly joke about said induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. More important, however, are the things that I don't know. For example, why the hell does Koko come out wearing a silver jumpsuit that looks suspiciously like he stole it from Cathy Lee Gifford after last year's show? Why is he called the Birdman? WHY DOES HE COME TO THE RING WITH A REAL-LIFE ACTUAL BIRD?

Ok, I'm guessing those last two are at least related.

The bell rings and the two men face off with the crowd going nuts for Koko. They love this guy for some reason and I don't get why. Is it the bird? Is that all it is? Will I start getting mobbed if I take to walking down the street with a pelican? Jesse rejoins Gino on commentary and jumps right back to it and we're finally here, it's...

MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT

Jesse Ventura: The B stands for buckwheat.

Oh come on! You know that's not cool!

In happier news the guy operating the hard-cam has finally found the button for the zoom function meaning that for the rest of the show the action is a lot more closeup and seems to flow more naturally. It's just a shame he had to waste that discovery on this match which is a slow, boring mess. Koko begins to sell like he's exhausted after all of a minute. Psychology! Koko goes for a crossbody but Butch rolls through and grabs hold of the tights to win.

Koko tries to protest after the match so Slick takes him out with the cane. He keeps attacking but here's your friend and mine, Tito Santana to make the save! Tito sends Slick and Butch running out of the ring while Jesse keeps calling him Chico. For gently caress sake, Jesse! I know you're the heel but have a little bit of class in your insults, Jesus!


Oh yeah, Tito also tries to undress Slick because... reasons.

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


Koko B. Ware had a sick as gently caress stalling brainbuster finisher you didn't get to see in that match.

And a bird called...Frankie?

So I have no explanation either. 80s wierd as gently caress y'all.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Like with Brutus, as a kid I loved Koko. Probably because of how cartoonish he was, I mean the dude had a bird!

I do remember (and fear to rewatch in case I was wrong) him having a hell of a match with Andre the Giant though, where he was just zooming all over the place trying to hit Andre with hit and run moves and wear him down, till Andre finally got his hands on him and destroyed him.

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


That Six-man tag is one of the prime examples of what should be an awesome match ruined by poo poo booking at the end.

Danny Davis gets DESTROYED by Davey Boy (including the first Tombstone Piledriver on WWF PPV) and then pops up and no-sells it 30 seconds later for the gently caress finish.
At least have him sell cold the finish and have someone drape him over for the pin!

The other really annoying thing is that heels are forced to almost always cheat to win because only the jobbiest of jobbers lose clean when they're a babyface.

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!


I went back and watched some like 1988-1990 Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake matches, and here's what I learned:

First, you need to come to grips with how deeply ridiculous his gimmick really is. He's not just a sexy wrestler called "Beefcake." He's not just a barber who cuts the bad guys' hair when he wins wrestling matches. He's a Chippendale dancer, whose gimmick is being a sexy barber, who is wrestling. It's the Tropic Thunder joke of "I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude," played out in front of thousands of people, for years. And he's doing it with total commitment!

Spoiler not spoiler: because cocaine.

Second, we talk about how cartoony WWF wrestling could get in the 1980s, but uh Brutus is really a shining example of this. For a guy treated as a "real wrestler" and not a one-off joke he just acts silly as gently caress, all the time. He sells like everything happening to him is a catastrophe, he mugs for the crowd in the most goofily broad and exaggerated way, and all in all he treats EVERYTHING happening as the BIGGEST DEAL, good or bad. And the crowds just loved that poo poo.

Third, lol this guy really can't "wrestle" as such, can he? I don't mean by internet smark standards now, I mean even by 1980s WWF standards. He's a one dimensional brawler, but you can't take it seriously because he's such a gigantic cartoon goofball. It's like if, I dunno, Stan Hansen wasn't stiff as gently caress and dressed like a pink teddy bear, it kind of just doesn't compute. He makes Peak Laziness Hulk Hogan look like Career Apex Kurt Angle or some poo poo. He improved relative to the early 80s in a general way, but the dude just has almost no moves whatsoever.

I almost think he's... not overrated, because he really can't do poo poo, but... over-hated? At his peak he wasn't so bad that he couldn't be carried to a fun match, which is real bad, but not like The Great Khali bad or something.

Also looking back I was a little unfair to Koko B. Ware. He was basically just a fun little dude with a bird, but he could also actually DO THINGS. And for a smaller guy he was strong as gently caress, you can see him hoist guys way bigger than him in the brainbuster and just let them hang there before spiking their skulls. He never got a big push and mostly crushed pure jobbers, but people always liked him and it's pretty easy to see why.

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky


I haven't actually gone out and searched him out but Koko was apparently really good in Memphis.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

remusclaw
Dec 8, 2009



I honestly don't think Brutus would get any real hate at all if it weren't for his post WWF career riding the coattails of his Big buddy all the way to the main event of a Starcade. The million gimmicks along the way are just the icing on the cake.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply
«69 »