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Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


frankenfreak posted:

Two? I know one, of course, but which other important deb- Ooooh, that one.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

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sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

Platypus Farm posted:

Jake is kinda weird because a lot of his best promo work was on TV tapings and his ring psychology is such that you can't really just watch a blow-off match and have it be awesome.

Also I think 90% of his "big" matches happened on Saturday Night's Main Event instead any of the PPVs for some reason, including vs. Steamboat (twice), Savage (twice), and Rick Rude.

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

by Smythe


Rarity posted:

So here's what comes up for me. Where did this all go wrong? How did we go from a match like this to Sable showing off her tits in 1998 and Kelly Kelly putting on two-minute pissbreak title defences in 2008? It kind of amazes me that while society as a whole became more progressive in its attitude towards women that the WWF regressed the other way. I don't know when they stopped caring about their women's division and I don't want to be spoiled but it feels to me like there was an opportunity here to expand their product and they chose not to take it. I can't believe it's only now, 30 years later, that they've managed to course correct.

Well I don't want to pin the blame all on one man, who I won't name but it starts with a "K" and ends with "evin Dunn that bucktooth pile of trash."



The reason I don't want to pin it all on that man is because Vince Russo deserves a good chunk of blame too.

Numero6
Oct 10, 2012


Good to see you're lovin' the women, the RR match will please you.

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


sean10mm posted:

Also I think 90% of his "big" matches happened on Saturday Night's Main Event instead any of the PPVs for some reason, including vs. Steamboat (twice), Savage (twice), and Rick Rude.



Christ those matches with savage and rude were amazing. Rude was absolutely the perfect foil for jake.

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

HUSS
HUSS
HUSS


C. Everett Koop posted:

Well I don't want to pin the blame all on one man, who I won't name but it starts with a "K" and ends with "evin Dunn that bucktooth pile of trash."



The reason I don't want to pin it all on that man is because Vince Russo deserves a good chunk of blame too.

the real thing to blame was Madusa "betraying" Vince

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




The Hart Foundation, the Dream Team, Demolition, the Islanders and the Bolsheviks vs. Strike Force, the British Bulldogs, the Killer Bees, the Rougeau Brothers and the Young Stallions

George is in the back with four-fifths of the heel team and it's so many people you can barely cram them all on screen together. The Harts have lost the Tag Team title belts somewhere along the way which makes me a little bit sad. There's two big schlubby fucks at the back in KISS makeup and they look so out of place. It's like seeing your dad in the middle of a mid-life crisis trying to fit in with the kids at Reading festival. One of them's got a double chin, for gently caress sake! Meanwhile on the other side of this mass of people Roman Reigns has somehow invented a time machine and gone back to 1987 to become part of a tag team.


The Big Dawg

Heenan is also with the teams and he delivers a very shouty promo. Jimmy Hart runs in late, coming straight from getting his rear end whupped by Noriyo and his temper is running hot. He's in the mood for hurting someone. Don't worry Jimmy, you're already hurting my ears.

Out in the ring the other fifth of the heel team is already in the ring as the Slickster is here with Volkoff and... hang on, that's not Shieky baby! No, unfortunately relations between the Soviet Union and Iran have deteriorated so Volkoff has kicked out his old partner in favour of one of his commie buddies. In fact, Shiek doesn't appear at all on this PPV. I do hope he's not being held up in a gulag. The rest of the heels come out to join them and it's here that I find out who are mystery teams are.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



You have got to be making GBS threads me.

Ok, so the amount of knowledge I have about Demolition can basically be summed up as nothing. I know that one dude is Ax and the other is Smash and then a Crush would join them later as well but beyond that I've never seen any of their matches, I don't know what these guys look like and I don't even know who these guys really are. For one brief scary second I think they're the same as the Harris twins/DOA who are loving awful but a quick bit of research tells me otherwise.

However, what I do know about Demolition is their legacy. Whenever I see people talking Demolition they're talking about them in the same way they talk about the Legion of Doom. As near as I can make out this team is going to be a huge loving deal that ends up at legendary status and to see that they are actually a couple of old, overweight dudes in makeup and cheap spiked leather is such a big let down. This is not a good start.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



Oh hey, it's Haku! And also Tama but I have zero experience of him so let's just focus on Haku. Here's a dude I remember from his time as Meng in WCW in '99-'00 and a very brief run in the WWF in '01. I've got to admit that at the time I didn't like him one bit. He was slow and worked a brawler style and never really did anything that looked exciting. He just didn't stack up to the kind of action from the cruiserweights or the likes of Benoit and Saturn and such.

With that qualification out of the way I'm willing to say that I'm interested in what the Islanders have to offer. At this point in the timeline the WWF have a few decent tag teams but they all blend together really easily. When you look at the lineup for the face team in this match you've got five teams that are virtually interchangeable. Whereas here with the Islanders you've got a team that is instantly different to everyone else. They've got a look and a feel that stands out from the crowd and not in the terrible way that Demolition does. I'm not expecting too much from them in terms of quality matches but it's nice to have them around.

Zombie Mean Gene is in the back with all the face tag teams who are being led by the current WWF Tag Team champions... Tito Santana and Rick Martel? Now that's a combination I would never have seen coming. They've even got a proper name and matching ring gear and everything. So somewhere along the way the Can-Am Connection have broken up which is a bit of a shame. And what about Tito's so-called best bud Junkyard Dog? He's not even on this show tonight. He's probably lying in a kennel in Tito's back garden crying his eyes out. Martel says that the only way out of the match is to win. Not really, there's also getting eliminated in there and there's a quite a few ways to do that.

The faces make their way out to the ring and very quickly one big problem with this match becomes apparent. There's just way too many people in there. This match involves twenty men and with only two actually in the ring it means we've got eighteen dudes standing around the apron and it's impossible to see what's going on because no matter where the camera goes there's always someone in the way.


This is just ridiculous

And ok, I get that this show is a new idea and the WWF needs to play around with the concept to see what works and what doesn't but surely someone there has to realise that putting twenty people in one match is just too much. Not only are there the visibility issues but it's too many people with not enough match time to let everyone get displayed the way they should. Tito helps things out a little with the Flying Forearm on Boris Zhukov for a pin. This means both the Bolsheviks are gone as we're doing the buddy system in this match but it's still way too crowded.

Smash comes into the ring and oh my god, now that I can get a proper look at Demolition's gear it's made things even worse. They're wearing chest harnesses that look like they've come straight from a BDSM party. Who the gently caress thought this was a good look for these guys? Smash grabs Paul Roma of the Young Stallions and throws him straight down on his hip. Ouch!

There's another big problem with having so many people around the ring. It's impossible to walk more than a few steps without walking into a tag which means that guys are popping in and out of the action more often than the hokey-cokey. Everything is so stilted and the match never gets a chance to settle into a rhythm. Jacques goes for a flying crossbody on Ax but he totally whiffs it and the Rougeaus are gone.


I'm including this picture purely because it's a crotch shot of Bret Hart

The Dynamite Kid comes in with a stiff as hell clothesline to Smash. To get his revenge Smash distracts the referee and the heels all lay in a beating on Dynamite. While the camera focuses on this beatdown we hear from Gino that Smash has for some reason just decided to throw the referee across the ring. Demolition are disqualified! I know I called Hacksaw and Race a couple of idiots earlier on but I think I'm going to have to take that back because Smash has just raised the bar in imbecility. Ax and Smash wander off to the back, ending their damp smelly turd of a debut.

With the crowd around the ring starting to decrease the action picks up. Bret hits a beautiful piledriver on Davey but then gets whipped shoulder-first into the ringpost. Tama comes in and only goes for a loving Vaderbomb (Tamabomb?). He whiffs it though and Martel locks in a Boston crab but Tama manages to get the tag. Tito hits the Anvil with the Flying Forearm and that's surely it but Bret makes the save and... Anvil immediately pins Tito? The Tag Team champions are out of the match and in one of the weakest possible ways.

We're down to twelve men now and things are starting to look a bit calmer. However, most of the action involves the heels beating up the Young Stallions who are refusing to tag in anyone but each other. It's like they're trying to do the psychology of one man in a team being dominated but with two men and it just makes the Stallions look like egotistical jerks. On the plus side the Islanders finally get to show off a few moves and they look quite impressive.

The Stallions finally give up their spot in the ring and the faces start trying to headbutt Haku. Silly boy, don't you know you can't headbutt a Pacific Islander? It's like these lads don't know their wrestling history. Davey hits Haku with the Running Powerslam but Haku kicks out. Dynamite comes in with the Diving Headbutt and I cringe. That move does not look healthy. Dynamite ends up taking himself out with the move and then Haku connects with the Reverse Thrust Kick and the Bulldogs are done.

Things get really slow and boring for a while. Dino comes in with a sidewalk slam which Gino calls a side suplex. Greg tags in and attempts the Figure 4 on Jim Powers but Powers tags in his partner and Roma flies in with a sunset flip. The Dream Team are gone and we are down to two on two. The Anvil takes the empty spot in the ring and as he's getting a beating from the bees I notice that he's got a suspicious small stain right on his butthole. Did Jim “the Anvil” Niedhart do a little shart?


How Paul Roma feels about the Anvil doing a shart

Haku's back in the thick of it and he starts throwing around dropkicks and poo poo and who the hell is this? Where is the fat immobile gently caress I remember from WCW who could only throw his arms around and scream? I'm liking this. Powers lifts Bret up for a scoop slam but Tama uses a dropkick to topple him over. Except Powers rolls through and gets the pin on Bret! Again, that's a pretty weak way to beat one of your big name teams.

This leaves us with the Islanders against the Stallions and the Bees. Haku and Tama put up a decent fight, taking control of Powers for a while. Powers finally gets in a lukewarm tag to one of the Bees (I still can't tell them apart) and the crowd shrugs in indifference. Things break down and suddenly one of the Bees has put a mask on for a bit of Twin Magic. He ties Haku up with a sunset flip and gets the win despite not being the legal man.

Jesse describes the finish to this match as “a bunch of crap”. He's not wrong.


I keep thinking the Islanders have weed on their tights

There's two major issues I have with this one. The first being the fact that the faces used dirty tactics to win with no provocation and it's presented as a worthy triumph despite the Islanders being great and not doing anything heelish the entire match. It's not like this is the only time faces have ever acted like heels but the way no one but Jesse acknowledged it made it particularly egregious. The other issue is that the main story of the match was supposed to be the Stallions surviving a massive beating to show how tough they are and how much stamina they've got. However, not only did they refuse to tag in other people when they were on offence they didn't do anything worth getting excited about so I've got zero interest in cheering for them when they just got in the way of better teams. Overall, this match started out as a mess and ended up as a bit of a snooze. I've gained some respect for the Islanders but besides that it didn't do enough to be a showcase.

titties
May 10, 2012

They're like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra



The Islander you don't recognize is WWE hall-of-famer Rikishi

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011

Me uni a la Revolucion #RXT


el sabe ...


titties posted:

The Islander you don't recognize is WWE hall-of-famer Rikishi

Not quite, Tama is Rikishi's twin.

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


Interesting--I knew Tama was Rikishi's brother but had no idea they were twins.
Especially interesting given that Rikishi ended with twin sons himself.

But really, we should just post this family tree every time:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anoa%CA%BBi_family

Shiki Dan fucked around with this message at Jan 17, 2018 around 21:24

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Tama actually also has twin kids, but neither are in the business, as far as I can tell.

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011

Me uni a la Revolucion #RXT


el sabe ...


Gaz-L posted:

Tama actually also has twin kids, but neither are in the business, as far as I can tell.

Well they're like 9 so give it another ~15 years.

titties
May 10, 2012

They're like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra



rare Magic card l00k posted:

Not quite, Tama is Rikishi's twin.

You're right, I was thinking of the Headshrinkers because they all look alike to me (I can say that because I am 1/4 filipino suck it whities)

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


rare Magic card l00k posted:

Well they're like 9 so give it another ~15 years.

Let's be honest, 6 years.

Skinty McEdger
Mar 9, 2008

I have NEVER received the respect I deserve as the leader and founder of The Masterflock, the internet's largest and oldest Christopher Masterpiece fan group in all of history, and I DEMAND that changes. From now on, you will respect Skinty McEdger!



Doesn't one of the Uso's also have identical twin kids too? Jey I think?

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Demolition owns, the usos are impossible to tell apart and OF COURSE they all have twin kids because how else could they be more identical !!!

But no, demolition owns and I don't care how much poo poo I get for saying it, they were a better LOD than LOD because at least demolition didn't make it a mission to get as junked up as possible and break jobber necks for fun.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Shiki Dan posted:

Interesting--I knew Tama was Rikishi's brother but had no idea they were twins.
Especially interesting given that Rikishi ended with twin sons himself.

But really, we should just post this family tree every time:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anoaʻi_family

I looked that up while researching the Islanders, it's ridiculous how many of those guys ended up getting big chances in WWE.

Platypus Farm posted:

Demolition owns, the usos are impossible to tell apart and OF COURSE they all have twin kids because how else could they be more identical !!!

But no, demolition owns and I don't care how much poo poo I get for saying it, they were a better LOD than LOD because at least demolition didn't make it a mission to get as junked up as possible and break jobber necks for fun.

Demolition are absolute wank, I'm fairly certain my mind won't be changed on this one.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




It's time for a brief respite from the wrestling because we have to remember that today is Thanksgiving. And while we may be sitting on our couches with a cold beer and covered in melted cheese like the fat slobs we are, there's someone else who's got a very different idea for how to spend the day. That's right, it's time to spend Thanksgiving with the Million Dollar Man.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



When you look back at all the big names in wrestling who came into the WWF and were universally loved (or hated) and grew to become big loving deals there's very few that I've managed to miss entirely. In fact, now that I've started doing this run and caught me some Savage I think there's only two left on that list. One of them I'll get to in due course but the other one is Ted DiBiase.

I've never watched a DiBiase match. I've never seen a DiBiase segment. I know more about his loser son than I do about the Million Dollar Man himself. However I've heard the way that fans speaks about DiBiase and it's with a reverence that few can equal. So while I'm hyped up to see him I'm also feeling trepidations. I really want to enjoy him the same way that everyone else does but I'm concerned that without the nostalgia goggles he's going to be underwhelming. I don't want to let you guys down!

So while the lesser mortals are putting their bodies on the line for a meaningless PPV the Million Dollar Man is spending his Thanksgiving taking pleasure in the finer things in life and oh my god it's been five seconds and I already think this guy is a huge douchebag. The smug prick brags about how easy life is when you're rich. I remember the 18 months I spent living homeless and not knowing if I would be able to survive more than a week. gently caress this rear end in a top hat. DiBiase declares he's thankful not just for his money but also for what people will do what his money.


I eat my dinner of pot noodles out of a dog bowl. gently caress you, DiBiase.

What follows is essentially Ted DiBiase: The Clip Show Episode. We see a number of clips of DiBiase offering to pay members of the public for easy or disgusting jobs. There's a guy licking the sweat off his feet, there's a little Jimmy failing to do ten press-ups, there's a girl kneeling on the ground and barking like a dog, a memory which elicits an award.

MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT

Ted DiBiase: “I remember a woman who thought she had to get down on all fours to make some the Million Dollar Man's money”

Ted, what requests your put in your craigslist adverts are none of my concern.

However, for the full extent of DiBiase's rampant assholery we must look at the little Jimmy he challenges to bounce a basketball fifteen times. They're on a podium away from the ring and Virgil is there with the money. Hi, Virgil! I'd give you an Introducing... section but frankly, I just don't care.


Just like everybody else.

Anyway, little Jimmy starts bouncing the basketball and he's doing a great job. Sure, it's an easy enough task but he's on television and his mum is watching and she got medical bills to pay so there's a lot of pressure. Even so, little Jimmy keeps on bouncing. 12... 13... 14... And then DiBiase sticks out his leg, boots the basketball into the crowd and laughs in the little dudes face. Holy poo poo! This man's a loving monster!

We're not even done yet! There's an extended clip of DiBiase going to a swimming pool and paying the attendant to kick out all the children that are playing just so DiBiase can have it to himself. Jesus! I'm surprised we don't see him stealing ice creams out of the kids' hands as they run past! From out of nowhere DiBiase has come in and made himself the biggest loving douchenozzle in professional wrestling. I really want to see someone kick his head in.

Back to the arena now where Gino and Jesse spend an extended period of time talking to camera about the action that's already taken place tonight. It lasts for five minutes and it's a really awkward blatant attempt to cover for some production issues going on elsewhere. The pair rehash all the main talking points so far (Honky's a dick, the JBAs are awesome, the Bees' Twin Magic makes no sense) but I'm not really listening because in the crowd behind them a kid is doing Hogan poses straight into the camera and it's beautiful.


Gotta watch out for those 9-inch pythons, brother!

And in case you were thinking I'd forgotten this, don't worry. I've been waiting to discuss it for just this moment.



I have to say that for fans of outrageous fashion most of Jesse's outfit tonight is a huge disappointment. He's wearing the exact same snakeskin suit he was wearing at WM3! It looks like the economy has taken a turn for the worse for our friend “The Body” because he's clearly not getting enough cash to keep up with his thrift shopping. However the night is saved with one glorious moment when Jesse reveals to help with the Thanksgiving vibes he's brought along a pilgrim hat. Which he then puts on. On top of his headset.


The pilgrims famously used headsets to check in back home while slaughtering the Native-Americans

We don't reach peak Jesse on this show though. Sort your poo poo out, Ventura!

Just time for a quick stage interview with the Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart. Man, Jimmy's been running all across the arena like a Duracell bunny tonight. Give the dude a break. Honky says that despite what silly things like fact or history say he was the true survivor of his match and that Hulk Hogan is jealous of his title. Yes, I bet Hulk is losing sleep over the fact the second tier belt is being held by an Elvis impersonator. Gino and Jesse turn to the main event and give us our next award.

MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION

Gorilla Monsoon: “This is a confrontation that will go down in the record books in the annals as one of the greatest matches to ever take place anywhere.”


I'm on the edge of my seat here

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

Rarity posted:

Demolition are absolute wank, I'm fairly certain my mind won't be changed on this one.



Spoiler not spoiler, let me describe every Demolition match:

1) Scoop slam
2) World's shittiest snapmare followed by turning the opponents head sideways a few degrees and acting like it was murder
3) Double ax handle to the back of a bent over guy over and over while jumping up and down to make it sound like something
4) Shitass team finishing move involving a lazy 2nd rope elbow drop flop

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

HUSS
HUSS
HUSS


I want you to know that only one of the Demolition were actually old. Smash was barely 30. Ax was 40 though so you're right there. The biggest thing to know was that Demolition were just a poor rip off of LOD and not WWE's last attempt at one.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


KungFu Grip posted:

I want you to know that only one of the Demolition were actually old. Smash was barely 30. Ax was 40 though so you're right there. The biggest thing to know was that Demolition were just a poor rip off of LOD and not WWE's last attempt at one.

See: Ascension, The

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

Gaz-L posted:

See: Ascension, The

Powers of Pain.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola

-Cheap Trick


Doctor Rope

sean10mm posted:

Powers of Pain.

LOD 2000

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

HUSS
HUSS
HUSS



LOD 2005

RZApublican
Nov 6, 2007

I'm an alien.


Do The Headbangers count or are they not LOD enough

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

RZApublican posted:

Do The Headbangers count or are they not LOD enough

No. They weren't booked to be unstoppable monsters.

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



sean10mm posted:

Powers of Pain.

they were put together in JCP, not WWF, and came as a packaged deal

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Jason Sextro posted:

they were put together in JCP, not WWF, and came as a packaged deal

Still didn't stop WWE from trying to push them as a LOD ripoff. Hell, in NWA, Warlord didn't wear face paint, but he did in the WWF.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Andre the Giant, King Kong Bundy, Rick Rude, Butch Reed and One Man Gang vs. Hulk Hogan, Paul Orndorff, Don Muraco, Bam Bam Bigelow and Ken Patera

The heels come straight out to the ring which means there's a couple of things to deal with here.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



I can't say I know too much about Rick Rude. He's not a name that gets bandied about with a huge deal of importance but I've come across it often enough that it's stuck with me. I have a feeling he's one of those midcard journeymen that hang around for years and years without ever getting a sniff of the big time. An 80s version of Dolph Ziggler, if you will. I do know though that he's got the whole vain pretty-boy gimmick going on and this brings me nicely to my next point...

WORST HAIR


It doesn't work when you have a pornstache.

As the heels congregate in the ring Jesse points out that Andre has had to live with the outcome of Wrestlemania III for “six to eight months”. Gee thanks, Jesse. I didn't realise that time had suddenly gone into flux. Of course, there's a very simple explanation for this line which is that Jesse just spent the first half of '87 on a mad drugs binge and doesn't remember half of it.

Yeah, that'll be the one.

In the back it's Zombie Mean Gene grabbing a few words with Hulk and his team. Hulk continues on with the animal theme for this main event by saying that the food chain doesn't matter. It's a good thing he's not wrestling the Gobbledy Gooker then, The whole team scream like a bunch of maniacs and leave to burn down the ring. I assume they mean literally cause none of them have the workrate to set the place on fire.


The faces are accompanied to the ring by a waxwork of Paul Orndorff

The faces make their way out and oh hey, Orndorff is back from whichever black hole he sunk into for WM3. We've also got a newly-face Muraco who has picked up the nickname of “The Rock”. I don't really think that one's going to catch on. And following them out is our final debut of the evening!

quote:

INTRODUCING...



Now here's a guy I do have a bit of experience with. When I started watching WCW Worldwide in '99 he was a pretty big player, being part of the Triad with DDP and Kanyon. However, by this point he was getting on a bit and part of a stagnant roster of ageing wrestlers like Hogan, Flair and Nash. Back then I wrote off the majority of wrestlers on the show besides the cruiserweights, the future Radicals and La Parka (because you gotta love La Parka). It's only since then that I've learned that Bam Bam was considered a very good big man worker and I know that at one point the WWF had big plans for him. I'm guessing that never panned out because Hulk politicked him into oblivion but I'm very interested to see what he's got in the tank and how far he gets up the card.

Hulk follows the other faces out separately and the crowd goes as nuts as ever. He's waving a USA flag around as well to really soak up that cheap heat. And it's here, in the autumn of 1987 that I first feel that Hulk's time at the top of the card has run its course. The amount of popularity that greets him here doesn't seem deserved compared to his skill. Ok, he can cut one hell of a promo when he's shoved a mass of coke up his nose but once he steps between the ropes it all falls apart. He's got nothing to offer and his matches are dull and there's other guys on the roster who would fit this applause better.

The match begins with Gino giving a name to the young referee and alas, he is not Shane O' Mac. The money remains firmly in the bank for now. The faces take it in turns to beat up on Rude, who quickly impresses me with some decent selling. Patera takes his turn in the ring and his look is so wrong for this kind of entertainment. He's got a huge mullet and stubble and he's really old and his ring gear is bland. It's like someone's dad just walked in off the street and talked his way into appearing in the main event.


Mr. I Dentul

The faces continue their domination with Muraco getting in a few shots. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that he looks to have shed a fair few of the pounds. There's not exactly a six-pack going on but at least I'm seeing some definition there. Butch eats a double clothesline and then Hulk hits the Leg Drop and he's out of the match. Thanks for coming, Butch! The heels' offence equals exactly zero at this point.

Hulk celebrates with a hi-five with Muraco as Andre takes the empty spot in the ring. Hulk wants to fight him but the referee counts the hi-five as a tag and Hulk starts kicking up a huge fuss. I really don't see the issue here, Hulk. You can tag back in at any time, this isn't complicated! Things continue, there's a stiff knee from One Man Gang to Orndorff and then Patera tags back in. They keep on calling him “The Olympian” so I'm guessing this guy is like some 80s version of Kurt Angle and has got some legit competitions under his belt. That's the only explanation I can see for how a dude who really doesn't look like he's a wrestler has ended up in wrestling. Patera gets a clothesline from One Man Gang and he's done. They didn't do it like that in Los Angeles '84!

Oh yeah, this match blows.

Orndorff is in the ring and he's taking it to Rude something fierce but Bundy gets in a cheap shot. Rude rolls him up and gets a hook on the tights to knock Orndorff off. But then Hulk comes in with a running knee on Rude and Muraco follows it up with a crisp powerslam and Rude is gone as well. This wasn't a great opportunity for him to shine but I saw enough to make me hopeful.

This leaves us with three burly fat fucks on the heel team so you can bet that from here on out whatever minimal workrate that had sneaked its way into the match has been kicked out for not wearing the right shoes and left on the kerb to call an Uber home. One Man Gang in particular is a dumpster fire of a wrestler. Muraco takes a hit from Andre and then One Man Gang connects with a body splash. Muraco is out and the faces are now down two to three.

Sidenote: I wrote this before John Cena called Baron Corbin a dumpster fire on Smackdown. I'm really mad he beat me to it

On the plus side, one of those faces is Bam Bam and he tries his best to make a silk purse out of this sow's ear. He has a crack at a sunset flip on One Man Gang but there's nothing doing and he gets squished with a banzai drop. That's a whole lotta weight coming down on his chest, ouch! Bam Bam then eats a clothesline and does the crazy 360 sell. It's impressive but doesn't really fit his opponent. The heels take their time to work over Bam Bam as the match slows to a crawl. Then Andre tags in, Bam Bam rolls under a fist and makes the tag.

Hulk is all fired up but Bundy pulls him out of the ring. Bundy and One Man Gang rush at Hulk but he hits them both with scoop slams onto the padding. Hulk keeps up the assault and... Hulk gets counted out. Ahahahahahaha! Hulk tries to get back into the match but the referee makes him leave and Hulk stalks off up the entrance stamping his feet like a petulant five year old who didn't get an Xbox for Christmas. Your top face, America!


Very much not inside the ring

Of course this means the match is down to Bam Bam Bigelow against the three fattest fucks on the roster and I've got to admit, this is not how I saw this one shaking down. As dumb as that elimination made Hulk look it's really cool to see them giving someone else the main spotlight in this one. The quality might not be there but I'm still very interested in the result. Bam Bam keeps on fighting, dodges out of the way of the Avalanche and then hits a neat springboard splash to eliminate Bundy.

Come on, Bam Bam! One Man Gang returns to the action and starts beating up Bam Bam with some weak looking shots. And then... oh for gently caress sake, who thought this was a good idea? One Man Gang goes up to the top rope. And in one of the most pathetic, risible, godawful shittest moments I've ever seen in wrestling, One Man Gang misses with the worst body splash ever.

How bad is it?


HE LANDS ON HIS loving FEET

gently caress you, 1987. At least Viscera could do a spinning wheel kick.

After landing on his feet and falling over One Man Gang is pinned by Bam Bam, bringing the match down to one on one. Things are exciting for all of a minute before Andre hits a suplex which is more horizontal than vertical and Bam Bam is gone. Andre's team wins in a bit of an anticlimax. Even working at Andre's pace they coulda milked that a few minutes longer.

Well, what do you know? Hulk can't stand someone else getting the focus of the attention for more than five seconds so he's back and he's brought his title belt and he starts wailing away on Andre. gently caress off, Hulk. You lost. You lost because you were an idiot. You can't just go beating somebody up because they won a match fair and square. Andre and Heenan go a-running and Hulk poses in the ring. It goes on for ages and it's just like Wrestlemania III. Jesse calls Hulk an egomaniac and he's not wrong.


Hulk's body literally looks like a balloon

So yes, Hulk comes out of this PPV looking really terrible and as I said earlier, I feel like Hulk's time in the sun is done. I know that we're nowhere near the end of Hulkamania but as far as I'm concerned neither the wrestler nor the character deserves to be the main guy any more. The WWF have someone there ready and waiting to be the new main guy and his name is Randy Savage. Hulk's only real strength is his promos where Savage is easily a match for him while Savage is also as good a wrestler as they've got and the crowd is ready for him to be on top. This is the show that proved it.

I can't believe I have strong opinions on 30-year old booking.

Zombie Mean Gene makes his last appearance of the night at the stage area with Heenan and Andre. Zombie Mean Gene says that he can't recall ever seeing “anything quite so hot”. Hee! Heenan claims that Andre survived the best in professional sports today which is strange cause I don't remember seeing him in the women's match.

And there we have it, our first ever Survivor Series is done and dusted. It's a bit of an odd one because the show started strong but it all fell apart in the second half. From a booking perspective there were a lot of good decisions and a fair few people had their profiles boosted and that made me happy. However, while the quality of the matches started well it really fell apart with the tag team match and then the main event had barely anything going for it in terms of in-ring action. Do check out the women's match though because I cannot state enough how awesome it was in the context of the timeline. Six Kanes out of ten, and I think that's being generous.

/10

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


To me the 1st Survivor Series holds up fairly well even today; a lot better than even most of the other Survivor Series.
The 1st match is solid and very well booked, the Women's match is good once the dead weight is shifted out early and the JBA can cut loose.
The tag match is definitely the worst, since there's essentially no story or flow to the match--of course directly related to fact that you're dealing with 20 guys rather than 10.
I can kinda see that in the end they were trying to go with the "underdog" upset angle with the Killer Stallions scoring cheap flukes over the former champs and the Islanders, it's still absolutely ridiculous for the likes of Jim Brunzell and Jim loving Powers to no-sell finishers for 20 drat MINUTES.
The main event actually is not all that bad given the constraints--for a match with multiple 300+ pounders on both sides and everyone else roided up to the gills, it's fairly fast-paced, with not much stalling or restholds, and a good story for Bam Bam. Oh yeah, and Hulk losing in the WWF is always good.

For me at least, the appeal of the early Survivor Series is seeing team-ups that you wouldn't normally see anywhere else, as well as the spotlight put on guys outside of the main event for once. The Islanders and Bam Bam Bigelow getting to have a great showing is a prime example of the latter, and where else will you get to see Savage, Steamboat, and Jake team up to royally kick Honky's rear end?
It seems that over time that they've really neglected that aspect--which is why very few Survivor Series events now even have more than 1-3 actual SurSer matches.
Because they don't develop these things well enough to make these team-ups feel special, and mostly it's the same guys being featured and put over, the same as the other 11 PPVs during the year.

Shiki Dan fucked around with this message at Aug 25, 2017 around 03:46

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!


Well and now that they can just stick the actual survivor's series matches on the pre-show then survivor series is literally just another PPV

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




A Note From Future Rarity: So I actually watch and write these a fair bit in advance of when I post them. Right now I've posted the last WM3 part and I'm halfway through watching Summerslam 1988. I didn't realise that there was a Royal Rumble in 1988 because Wikipedia don't include it in the PPV chronology. I do want to fill in the gap here but it'll have to wait until after the show I'm currently watching. So be patient and settle back as we crack on with... oh gently caress, it's WMIV.

Wrestlemania IV: Making WWF Great Again

What I Think I Know:

  • Gee, not a whole lot. I think there's some kind of tournament going on?
  • And I want to say that Hogan and Andre main event for the second year in a row. I'm not confident about that one though



It's spring 1988, little Rarity is learning how to read and across the Atlantic it's time for our annual spectacle of unknown celebrities as we gear up for Wrestlemania IV! We are live from (oh dear god) the Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, NJ. Settle down my friends because this show is three and a half hours and we are in this for the long haul. I don't know if my intestinal fortitude is strong enough for this one but there's only one way to find out.

We open in the ring with Zombie Mean Gene to introduce this year's version of America the Beautiful as sung by soul legend Gladys Knight, who must share tailors with the Macho Man because her jacket is very sparkly. As has become traditional we get a montage to celebrate the images of Americana and we are back to super-patriotism this year. I feel like I'm having cheeseburgers injected right into my veins, it's that American.


I didn't realise Triple H debuted so early

Up to the commentary booth now where our old friends Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are here to run us through the action. And oh dear. You know when your mates go off on a sesh without you and get tight with this new guy and you don't really like him but suddenly they're inviting him to everything and all you can do is sit their in silence quietly loathing his presence? That's what's happening here because Gino and Jesse have only gone and re-invited Bob Uecker. You couldn't have brought back Herb? I loved Herb.

So before we get started with the matches the team talk us through the main thrust of tonight's action. Tonight we will be having a multi-man tournament to determine the WWF champion because a few month's ago that plucky young rookie Vacant got his first ever title win. Good going, lad! I sense big things in your future! Therefore tonight we'll have a whole bunch of wrestlers in a whole bunch of matches in a series of knockout rounds. Because this worked so well for The Wrestling Classic.

But before that we've got to make sure the whole roster gets that Wrestlemania payday!

Invitational Battle Royal
Featuring the Hart Foundation, the Young Stallions, Sika, Danny Davis, the Killer Bees, Bad News Brown, Sam Houston, the Rougeau Brothers, Ken Patera, Outlaw Ron Bass, Junkyard Dog, the Bolsheviks, Hillbilly Jim, Harley Race and... oh godammit, George “The Animal” Steele


YOU LIED TO ME GAVOK! YOU LIED!


A full 50% of the competitors were wearing sparkly jackets. Was someone offering bulk discount?

My irritation at being ambushed by a surprise appearance from the Animal aside, there's one other major problem I have with this match. The Hart Foundation do not deserve to be relegated to the curtain-jerker battle royal. Obviously with the tournament taking up so much of the screentime it means a lot of workers aren't getting a proper match and for a lot of the guys involved in this that's absolutely fine. I don't give a poo poo about seeing JYD or Race or Patera and such but the Harts should have something. Seeing them walk out behind the winner's trophy is just depressing. That said, comparing this lineup to the battle royal two years ago the vast majority of these guys are characters I'm familiar with and it shows the roster's filling out nicely.

In the firm tradition of the one other battle royal I've covered, I'm ignoring the early eliminations. On commentary Bob has found a new Wrestlemania honey, trading in Moolah for Wheel of Fortune's Vanna White who is kicking around here somewhere. Ugh. Bob's creeping lechery is played for comedy but it's not funny. Meanwhile after being eliminated and while walking out Steele gets in a little fracas with the Anvil and pulls him out. Bullshit! This is all your fault, Gavok. In happier news Roma sends Danny flying over the top rope and he tumbles out on his rear end. It's always a pleasure seeing Danny suffer.


I could have freezeframed this moment... so I did!

Things are starting to calm down now with the ring clearing up. Race takes a bit of time to work out what to do with JYD so to fill the time he just strokes him in a very loving way. It's a bit disturbing. Patera and the Bolsheviks all tumble out together leaving us with a final five of JYD, Race, Brown, Roma and Bret. They might have shoved him in a nothing match but at least they're letting Bret get a decent run of this. JYD tosses Race over the top rope and Brown dumps out Roma giving us the final three.

Brown and Bret start working together with a double team but JYD escapes from Bret's grip and he gets nailed by Brown. JYD gets in some crawling headbutts on both men but Bret and Brown manage to get control and work him over. They get JYD over the top rope and celebrate a tied victory but then – who woulda thunk it? - Brown turns on Bret and nails him with a vicious kick. He follows up by whipping Bret right into the ring post and then dumping him over. Bret goes 2-0 on being the top loser in battle royals.


Who's bright idea was it to make the trophy the size of Andre?

Brown holds up his trophy but Bret slides back into the ring and knocks Brown down. With Brown out of it Bret grabs the trophy and starts wrecking it. Or at least he tries to. It's a fairly sturdy bit of metal so it takes a few hits to really break it apart. I wasn't really into this one, certainly not as much as the WM2 battle royal. The post-match angle is interesting though, perhaps we're looking at a face turn for Bret/the Harts.

Bob decides to leave the commentary desk because Vanna is out there somewhere and he's got to get his dick wet. This is gross. We're not done with celebrities through because Robin Leach of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is here to read an important proclamation regarding tonight's tournament. As with The Wrestling Classic and all tournaments ever we follow the rules that if a match is tied then neither man advances. Robin says that the tournament will feature the top fourteen wrestlers in the WWF and I already know that's a lie because we already saw one of them.


It's even written on a loving scroll

Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Ted DiBiase w/ Virgil and Andre the Giant

Oh geez, I don't think they could have a found a worse opponent for DiBiase's first PPV match if they'd tried. DiBiase looks to have splashed a bit of cash here because he's got Andre in his corner and that leads to a few potential interesting scenarios for how tonight is going to play out. Could Andre turn on DiBiase? Could Andre lie down for DiBiase? There's some cool dynamics going on here.

The match starts up and Jesse says that Hacksaw “don't know a hold for nothing” which is a very kind way of telling us he's a poo poo worker. Hacksaw hits an atomic drop and DiBiase launches himself to the outside. The action continues in a very tedious brawl as Hacksaw mugs for the camera. Back in the ring, Hacksaw does a sunset flip! Jesse's just as shocked by this athletic display as I am.

Hacksaw's continues in firm control but then he strays to near the ropes and Andre grabs him while the ref's not looking. One cheap punch from Andre is enough to lay Hacksaw out and DiBiase scrambles on top to get the win. This was really short and really awful. I'm hoping that DiBiase will get a better opponent at some point so I can proper look at him as a performer.

Marmaduke!
May 19, 2009

Why would it do that!?

I'm glad it's a multi-man tournament, they might struggle to make much of a show if the tourney only had the one competitor in it.

But seriously just posting to say I'm enjoying the thread.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Rarity posted:

A Note From Future Rarity: So I actually watch and write these a fair bit in advance of when I post them. Right now I've posted the last WM3 part and I'm halfway through watching Summerslam 1988. I didn't realise that there was a Royal Rumble in 1988 because Wikipedia don't include it in the PPV chronology. I do want to fill in the gap here but it'll have to wait until after the show I'm currently watching. So be patient and settle back as we crack on with... oh gently caress, it's WMIV.

Yeah, Royal Rumble wasn't an actual PPV, but a cable TV special. Really, you don't need to review it. The original Rumble match is a big pile of nothing and the only other memorable parts of the show are a Hogan/Andre contract signing and a Jumping Bomb Angels match.

1989 is when the Rumble becomes interesting... and a PPV.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Gavok posted:

Yeah, Royal Rumble wasn't an actual PPV, but a cable TV special. Really, you don't need to review it. The original Rumble match is a big pile of nothing and the only other memorable parts of the show are a Hogan/Andre contract signing and a Jumping Bomb Angels match.

1989 is when the Rumble becomes interesting... and a PPV.

I see you trying to evade talking about George Steele. I know your game, mister!

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky


Million Dollar Man was a great gimmick but I'm not sure Ted had that much great work as a worker in WWF. He did have a great program with Savage in 1988, though.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Rarity posted:

I see you trying to evade talking about George Steele. I know your game, mister!

You said you loved Herb. Who's the real liar?

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Gavok posted:

You said you loved Herb. Who's the real liar?

At least Herb owned a razor!

Defiance Industries
Jul 22, 2010

I've hacked into the most secret government and corporate secrets.



Feels Villeneuve posted:

Million Dollar Man was a great gimmick but I'm not sure Ted had that much great work as a worker in WWF. He did have a great program with Savage in 1988, though.

He was good but not great in the ring but his character work really made up for it, IMO

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Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


I'm late but I just wanna say I still rate Bam Bam's struggle to survive and coming so close before falling to the inexorable might of Andre the Giant. It remains one of my favorite early wrestling memories.

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