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fart blood
Sep 13, 2008

by VideoGames
Sorry I wrote about the Dibiase/Virgil match last time. I didn't pay attention to the rules despite them being in the title :(

But yeah now that it's safe to talk about: it was this match that made me love Dibiase as a heel in hindsight. As a kid I hated Dibiase in this match. As a jaded old man, I reflect and think of what a tremendous job he did trying to get Virgil over.

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Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Jailhouse Match
Evil Jacques w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Big Bossman


Ok, this feud makes so much logical sense. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. You've got American law enforcement and Canadian law enforcement coming to a head in a clash of ideals. In some ways this feud is a deeper representative of the different approach these two huge Western nations take towards topical cultural issues. Which nation, which ideal is going to come out on top?Well, so far in 2018 Canada has had zero school shootings so I know which side I'm cheering for.

SIGN OF THE NIGHT


But we're not even in Cobb County, Georgia!

The two men square off and Evil Jacques starts yelling in Bossman's face so Bossman just plain sparks him out. Piper exclaims “there's the Boss with the sauce!” I've got no idea what the gently caress he's talking about. I think after the last match Piper might lost what's left of his mental faculties for the rest of the night. The action gets properly underway as I realise that both men are wearing the exact same trousers. No seriously, they are. They've both got on black slacks with a bright yellow line down the side. This is going to turn out to be one of those feuds where it turns out they're really meant to be besties. Bossman and Evil Jacques, united by a love of yellow-trimmed clothing and police brutality.

Evil Jacques goes for a second rope axe handle but Bossman catches him out of the air and turns it into a spinebuster! Nice! That's impressive, Evil Jacques is not a small man these days. Bossman turns his attention to Jimmy and chases him around ringside but Evil Jacques slips up from behind and shoves him into the stairs. He rolls him back in the ring and connects with a corkscrew elbow. Oh, baby. Oh my sweet innocent Jacques, you're still in there somewhere. I knew part of you still remembered. Evil Jacques follows up with lots of slow offence but then the good part of his brain flickers once more and he hits a dropkick! Yes, fight for me Jacques! Fight for your innocence! We can go find Raymond together! I'll even bring the little USA flags!


This is like Street Fighter palette swaps

Over on commentary things have taken a dark turn. Piper keeps on calling Heenan “Boobs” for some reason. It sounds like some kind of inside joke that's really obnoxious when you don't know the background. Meanwhile, Gino takes one look at Jimmy and calls him “the greatest walking advertisement for birth control”. JESUS! loving hell, Gino, that's a bit much. You might not like him but there's no need to say his entire life's contribution to humanity is worthless. I mean, if nothing else he is at least responsible for 'All-American Boys'!

Evil Jacques nails a dangerous looking piledriver and Jimmy distracts the ref so Evil Jacques can grab the cattle prod. However, Bossman dodges out the way and smacks him hard. Evil Jacques whips Bossman into the ropes and does a backwards leapfrog but Bossman just slides underneath and sparks him straight in the face. Hehe, Bossman gives no fucks for your jumping, Evil Jacques. Bossman nails the Bossman Slam which somehow doesn't put Evil Jacques away but then he reverses a piledriver into an Alabama slam to get the win. He calls the NYPD out from the back to take Evil Jacques and... Well, at this point I think I should let you hear it straight from the horse's mouth.







Ignoring the wider angle for the moment to focus on the match itself, I thought it was all right without having much to shout about. It did the job well enough. The best part was getting to see that despite his bigger size Evil Jacques has not forgotten all of his moveset from the good old days. I've got no idea how long this run is going to last or how prominent a role Evil Jacques is going to take but I hope he gets a chance to bring in more of his wrestling skill.

We return to the back where Zombie Mean Gene is with Ted DiBiase and Sensational Sherri and they are freaking out. DiBiase claims that this is the biggest rip-off in wrestling but that's hard to believe when this very show is advertising a PPV called Hulk Hogan: A Real American Story. DiBiase protests about Virgil jumping him before the bell and Sherri being exiled to the back and claims that Virgil stole his belt. All through this Sherri is yelling incoherently like a drunk old lady. Just your typical Sherri madness.


The best part is neither Zombie Mean Gene or DiBiase acknowledge her at any moment

Meanwhile, Mooney is with Bret Hart and his brand new Intercontinental title. Bret calls it “the greatest day for the Hitman” because he got to prove to Hennig that there's no such thing as perfect while also showing what “the excellence of execution is all about”. Yeesh, I guess he's still working on the excellence of elocution part.

It looks like we've entered the promo marathon portion of the evening because we're right back to Zombie Mean Gene with the Natural Disasters and Jimmy Hart, who is screaming for his lawyers so that he can free Evil Jacques. There's no need to worry, Jimmy. Evil Jacques is white man in the 90s, he'll walk within the hour. Meanwhile, the Disasters are pissed with LOD and Typhoon tells them that he'll eat them up while Earthquake thinks they're history. Which is what I wish this team would be.


I just realised that Zombie Mean Gene looks like he could be Jimmy's dad

Back to Mooney who's now with the Big Bossman who's been working on a stand-up comedy routine. He sets us up with the question “what kind of bird can't fly?” before delivering the punchline, “a jailbird”. His material still needs some work before he can start hitting the open mic nights. He adds that he's proved that he's the law and order in the WWF while Evil Jacques is “just a criminal”. Actually, aren't the referees the law and order in the WWF? You missed a step with that one, Bossman.

Zombie Mean Gene takes the brave step of interrupting a man on his wedding day by stepping into Randy Savage's dressing room. He's still on 1-900 phoneline and opening up about those wedding day jitters. He says “Petrified is what I am, it's gonna be a wedding!” Zombie Mean Gene can't get a word in so he heads off to find Elizabeth who will “apparently” be more free to talk. Savage hears this and stops him in his tracks while saying “apparently is not her name, it's Elizabeth”. Ohoho, got to love an Airplane gag. Savage invites Zombie Mean Gene to stay with him and asks the caller if they mind making it “a party line call”. Zombie Mean Gene invites us all to call the 1-900 number which I would highly recommend. You can even film yourself doing it on Tout!


God, just imagine how awesome Savage would have been on social media

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

That trip report was beautiful :allears:

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Jumping back to the three-man commentary booth we find our trio discussing an extra wrinkle in tonight's main event. There will be a guest referee in the form of Sid Justice and you know I'm going to be talking more about him later. Heenan thinks that Sid is planning something because he's too quiet while Piper keeps antagonising him. Ok, I was up for this booth at the start of the show but it's really not working out. There's way too much aggro between Piper and Heenan, it's like watching the modern product.

Ooh, it looks like another page from Evil Jacques's report has wound out on my desk!



Hahaha. It's funny because he's suffering!

We jump over again to the back where Mooney is with Jimmy and the Nasty Boys. Jimmy tells the cops that they can't hurt a hair on Evil Jacques's head because the lawyers are on their way. Sags is mad because they're defend their titles against Legion of Doom in a hardcore match. Sags thinks this is because LOD and Jack Tunney “coagulated” to make these rules but that's fine because LOD are going on a one-way trip to Nastyville. Just three towns and two trashheaps over from Dudleyville. Knobbs adds that “the heat's on and it's melting your face”. Looks like we've found the tagline for Summerslam '92! The Boys leave but Mooney stops Jimmy to inform him there's been more word from Evil Jacques.



Having heard about this violation of Evil Jacques's human rights he tells the cops that this constitutes an “invasion of privacy” and his lawyers are going to sue. That's not going to work, Jimmy. You don't beat the state by playing the state's system.

We tag back to Zombie Mean Gene with Legion of Doom to learn a new twist regarding their title match. It's going to be no countout and no DQ! Oooh, my ears have perked up a touch. Animal says that these rules are right up their alley and takes some time to taunt the Natural Disasters. Hawk adds that the Disasters have bitten off more than they can chew. Are you sure about? Cause looking at them they can chew a lot. LOD will chew up the Disasters and spit them out and Hawk thinks “when we're done with the Nasty Boys we're gonna call them the Batsy Boys” which I think is meant to be homophobic but the insult doesn't really come together. Animal finishes with “there's boys, there's men and there's monsters”. I guess he's saying LOD are monsters but he's also not being very clear. So far these guys have made for underwhelming promos.

How you getting on over there, Evil Jacques?



I'm pretty sure this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

Mooney has now moved on to Sgt. Slaughter and his Iraqi allies who are called the Triangle of Terror. Because they were two men short to be the Pentagon of Panic. Mooney suggests that Slaughter can relate to Evil Jacques being outnumbered even though Slaughter's the one with the man advantage so what the gently caress are you talking about, Mooney? God, you suck. Slaughter rightfully points out that Hulk and Warrior are the ones outnumbered and Warrior still looks snake bit while Hulk's lost six gallons of blood. Slaughter promises there will be one more surprise before the end of the show. You mean you're winning?

This extended interview segment is brought home by Zombie Mean Gene who's with the guest referee for tonight's main event.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



Ok, I've got a bit of a confession to make. Back in the days of '99 era WCW when I was first getting into wrestling I was a bit of a Sid mark. Wait, don't go anywhere! I didn't know any better! He was big and he had cool hair and I really liked how brutal he hosed guys up with the Jackknife Powerbomb. Look, when your alternatives in the main event scene are guys like Hulk, Nash and Jarrett you've got to take what little you can get. So yes, I was well up for Sid coming along to just wreck some bitches like it ain't no thing.

Suffice to say, this love affair was more of a casual fling. Once I was able to get into the WWF regularly and see everyone there just tearing it up Sid soon became a distant memory. By the end of '00 I had stopped caring about him and would never have thought about him again except for one moment. The one that I've tastefully captured in Sid's introduction banner. Because holy poo poo, that is one of the most disgusting breaks I've ever seen. That is an image that is scarred into my brain for the rest of my life, it's that horrifying. And now it's scarred into yours as well. Enjoy.

Never one to shy away from the hard questions Zombie Mean Gene asks Sid where he stands tonight and Sid replies that he's “a man that stands alone”. That's not true, Sid. You're standing with Zombie Mean Gene right now! They air a brief clip of Sid talking with the Diamond of Dread but Sid claims it's misleading footage and he's not made any promised anyone anything. Funny, that sounds an awful lot like a promise.

WWF Tag Team Title Hardcore Match
Legion of Doom vs. The Nasty Boys


As little as I want to see a match between these two teams they have managed to pique my interest ever so slightly by introducing the gimmick. This is the first real hardcore match we've seen in the timeline so I'm interested to see how far they push the stipulation. We're obviously not going to anything like the garbage matches we saw following the birth of ECW but I'm hoping there's a little bit of excitement to come. Leaning on the stip should make up for the fact that none of these guys have shown any talent worth mentioning in the ring yet.


This woman went to the effort of crafting homemade dolls and then made them of THE NASTY BOYS?!

Both teams come out and LOD jump the Boys before the bell rings to kick things off. There's been a lot of pre-match assaults tonight, it's a bit of a theme. As we're still all about the patriotism I assume this is just representing America's foreign policy. Animal connects with a powerbomb to Knobbs and it looks like we're going for tornado rules tonight as well. Good, because I really hate those tag matches where it's no DQ but everyone insists on following the tag rules anyway. Sags gets whipped into the ropes and manages to botch the hell out of even that. gently caress sake. Even Kelly Kelly can run the ropes better than you, dude. Hawk nails an enziguri but Sags sprays mace in Hawk's eyes and...and the referee forces Animal back to the apron to TAG IN?



The action spills to the outside where Sags hits Hawk with a drinks tray. Heenan comments that “I bet it's the first bath he's taken in a long time”. Hey, I was about to use that line! Up on the apron Animal wants to get involved but the referee keeps telling him to stay put. Ugh, why are you even listening to him, Animal? What's he going to do, DISQUALIFY YOU? For a moment I think that Hawk's bladed on his cheek but no, it's just his facepaint rubbing off. Lucky, the match threatened to be interesting for a second there. Heenan announces that he's received word Sid is not in his dressing room. Settle down, the lad's probably just nipped off for a piss.

The Boys keep up the assault on Hawk while the crowd chants “LOD”. I think it's time to give some props to this crowd, they've been really into the action all night long and stayed hot throughout. It's great to see. Knobbs hits a stinger splash and goes up top but Hawk catches him and scrambles over to make the very unnecessary tag. Animal comes in to clean house and connects with a powerslam to Knobbs. Jimmy tosses the helmet to Sags who goes for Animal. He dodges out of the way but Sags pulls short of hitting Knobbs then turns around and smacks Animal with it for reals. Haha, I do like when they break from the wrestling conventions. Animal kicks out to a surprisingly lacklustre pop while Hawk grabs the helmet off of Jimmy. He blasts each of the Boys with it then LOD hit the Doomsday Device on Sags and almost loving kill him. Oh, and they win as well.


They got to the fireworks factory!

Oh, that was so bad. So, so bad. They went through the whole rigmarole of setting up a hardcore match and then they didn't even have a hardcore match. What is even the loving point? The Boys are goddam awful and LOD have been around for a year and shown me nothing worth getting excited about. I'm starting to get really worried about the state of the tag division cause the Rockers are the only team left that I'm excited about and there's not much in the way competition for them out there. Can we just have the Rockers and the Orient Express compete for the title over and over for the next two years or so?

God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.
Hey Rarity.

Watch the Flair vs Steamboat trilogy from 1989. They're the best matches of the 80s. Some argue they're the best matches of all time.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

God Of Paradise posted:

Hey Rarity.

Watch the Flair vs Steamboat trilogy from 1989. They're the best matches of the 80s. Some argue they're the best matches of all time.

It's certainly the best series of all time, imo.

Takuan
May 6, 2007

I hated Sid as a young WCW mark, because he kept interrupting potentially good matches to build up his bullshit 'streak.'

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


I love Sid. He's awful but so endearing and ridiculous that I can forgive him for it. "I DON'T KNOW poo poo, CRYBABY!" is one of my favorite quotes in wrestling history.

OldTennisCourt
Sep 11, 2011

by VideoGames
The story where Sid ran away screaming from the building after a woman touched him with a fake prop knife (after being literally told it was a prop knife) is my favorite wrestling story ever.

Sid is literally grown up Harold from Hey Arnold.

OJ MIST 2 THE DICK
Sep 11, 2008

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola

-Cheap Trick

Nap Ghost

OldTennisCourt posted:

The story where Sid ran away screaming from the building after a woman touched him with a fake prop knife (after being literally told it was a prop knife) is my favorite wrestling story ever.

Sid is literally grown up Harold from Hey Arnold.

Where's the scissors Sid

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

exploded mummy posted:

Where's the scissors Sid

I said.... Where's THE SCISSORS?

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

I have fond memories of the time Sid turned up in ECW for like one match, and all your usual "ECW crowds are smark dickheads who will boo anything WWF or WCW" went out the window. They came *unglued* for Sid

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Wait... people... like Sid? I'm not alone? :psyduck:

God Of Paradise posted:

Hey Rarity.

Watch the Flair vs Steamboat trilogy from 1989. They're the best matches of the 80s. Some argue they're the best matches of all time.

I can't remember if I've already said this in a post or if it's in my backlog but if I ever watch the WCW shows I'd want to do it in a thread like I'm doing for this one so I don't want to open that bottle and lose out on my natural reaction when it's not being recorded for posterity.

Takuan posted:

I hated Sid as a young WCW mark, because he kept interrupting potentially good matches to build up his bullshit 'streak.'

Still better than Goldberg magically adding an extra 7 to his number each week from 'house shows'

Takuan
May 6, 2007

Rarity posted:


Still better than Goldberg magically adding an extra 7 to his number each week from 'house shows'

Goldberg could add as many matches to his streak as he wants as long as it didn't get in the way of the good cruiserweight matches on Nitro.

OJ MIST 2 THE DICK
Sep 11, 2008

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola

-Cheap Trick

Nap Ghost
Sid is a big goof who is strangely charismatic and is kind of the 90s equivalent of Braun Stroman.

Not sure why you think wed hate him

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

exploded mummy posted:

Sid is a big goof who is strangely charismatic and is kind of the 90s equivalent of Braun Stroman.

Not sure why you think wed hate him

Well... I mean... He's not very good, is he?

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Rarity posted:

Well... I mean... He's not very good, is he?

Define "good". I define it as entertaining me, personally, and by that standard, Sid ruled.

Numero6
Oct 10, 2012

ここは地の果て 流されて俺
今日もさすらい 涙も涸れる
ブルーゲイル
People just go apeshit everytime Sid appears, it's just an unmovable rule in pro-wrestling... :shrug:

Mr. Baps
Apr 16, 2008

Yo ho?

Randaconda posted:

Define "good". I define it as entertaining me, personally, and by that standard, Sid ruled.

This is also why Bossman, the Mountie, and Earthquake are very good and don't suck at all :colbert:

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Walrus Pete posted:

This is also why Bossman, the Mountie, and Earthquake are very good and don't suck at all :colbert:

Hey I've reached a point with Bossman where I can say he's somewhere between "ok" and "fairly good" :colbert:

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Rarity posted:

Hey I've reached a point with Bossman where I can say he's somewhere between "ok" and "fairly good" :colbert:

Bossman, at times, was really good.

Tokyo Sexwale
Jul 30, 2003

Numero6 posted:

People just go apeshit everytime Sid appears, it's just an unmovable rule in pro-wrestling... :shrug:

Absolutely true. I grew up in Calgary in the 90s so I was a mark for the Harts basically forever...but Sid still ruled. It's almost inexplicable.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Rarity posted:

Well... I mean... He's not very good, is he?

is he, like, a technically skilled wrestler? oh holy loving christ no. Sid Vicious might be one of the most limited people ever to get a WWF contract and not have some obvious reason why they're limited (ie Andre being loving massive, Bossman being old, Zeus not actually being a wrestler).

but Sid made up for this with pretty much literally everything else a wrestler can be good at, is the thing. he's like the crowning example of a fantastic wrestler who sucks at actually wrestling, and even if he wasn't entertaining as hell, he'd own for that alone.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Sid had that charisma that left you thinking "This dude is legit crazy."

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011


Sid is basically Frankenstein.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

I remember Sid once squashed a jobber, the jobber was taken off on a stretcher. Sid heroically volunteered to take the stretcher up the ramp for the paramedics. Then he launched the stretcher back down the ramp and into the ring

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011


I like how Rarity went "I liked Sid" and then went "But not anymore!" in an attempt to look cool, when not liking Sid is pretty much the most obvious evidence of being lame.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

DeathChicken posted:

I remember Sid once squashed a jobber, the jobber was taken off on a stretcher. Sid heroically volunteered to take the stretcher up the ramp for the paramedics. Then he launched the stretcher back down the ramp and into the ring

see, like, this is the type of thing i'm talking about

Sid was booked in a way that de-emphasized his moveset for the most part, and emphasized the fact that he's scary as all hell

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

rare Magic card l00k posted:

I like how Rarity went "I liked Sid" and then went "But not anymore!" in an attempt to look cool, when not liking Sid is pretty much the most obvious evidence of being lame.

I think this thread is proof enough that I'm not afraid about taking the contrarian opinion :colbert:

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011


Rarity posted:

I think this thread is proof enough that I'm not afraid about taking the contrarian opinion :colbert:

Sid strikes fear in the hearts of all mortals.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



DeathChicken posted:

I remember Sid once squashed a jobber, the jobber was taken off on a stretcher. Sid heroically volunteered to take the stretcher up the ramp for the paramedics. Then he launched the stretcher back down the ramp and into the ring

There was a stretch in WCW where Sid would power bomb a guy for a win, the guy would be load on a stretcher, and then Sid would beat the poo poo out of the guy.

It was awesome

Open Marriage Night
Sep 18, 2009

"Do you want to talk to a spider, Peter?"


Sid came to my rescue when Warrior let me down. Also, I got to see him and Bret in a cage.

RC and Moon Pie
May 5, 2011

Randaconda posted:

Sid had that charisma that left you thinking "This dude is legit crazy."

It wasn't just charisma.

That said, I am assuming the Sid squirrel story is just an urban legend.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

I believe in the Master and Ruler of the Squirrels

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Sid was like the Forrest Gump of wrestling. He was this simple-minded man who somehow had this amazing career full of huge success and ridiculous stories.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.


:smith:

Grimey Drawer
If you asked someone around that time period to describe what they thought of when they heard the words "pro wrestler" I imagine you'd get something like Sid- a heavily roided, coked-to-the-gills maniac who sneers out crazy speeches about being the master of the world.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
This break in the action is a good chance to share another missive from the desk of Evil Jacques.



Oh no, poor Evil Jacques! He didn't deserve this!

We get a brief ad for Survivor Series. After last year's thrilling debut of the Gobbledy Gooker I hope you're all prepared for wonders that the blessed Gooker will lay at our feet this year!

Irwin R. Schyster vs. Greg Valentine

Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? We're giving Greg Valentine a loving singles match? For gently caress sake. There's no space on the card tonight to fit in Jake “The Snake” Roberts, the Undertaker, Rick Martel, the Rockers or Tito Santana but we've got to make sure there's space to give Greg his showcase! Seriously, not even Tito Santana and he always gets on the card! You know what, I'm just angry. I'm angry at this match for existing, I'm angry at myself for watching, I'm angry at all of you for encouraging me to watch and most of all I'm angry at Greg for everything.

MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION

Bobby Heenan: “This will be a good match”


Yeah, it's a real five-star classic

We find IRS already in the ring with a jobber entrance and a mic in his hand. He tells the fans they're finger-pointers and crybabies about their taxes and it's time to start paying. And he's absolutely right. Taxes are great. They pay for wonderful things like education, healthcare, social housing and the welfare state. The more we spend on public services the more we all benefit. Good on you, IRS, for encouraging us all to do our civic duty. Greg comes out and he's finally found himself a theme except I'm pretty sure he's just straight up stolen this from Burtus. I know it's been a while but it sounds identical.

The bell rings and the action gets underway and aw geez, this is already so painful. Gino tries to sell the match as a collision between fast and slow which is a bit of an exaggeration. IRS ain't exactly Lio Rush here. I'd call it more like slow and glacial, really. Greg locks on a long headlock and connects with a shoulder block. Greg locks on a long headlock and connects with a shoulder block... again. Greg nails a hiptoss and this match is so dull that the commentary team are talking about anything else they can. Heenan says that he wouldn't want to be Evil Jacques for anything. That's right, Heenan, let's use this as an opportunity to open a conversation about the human rights abuses in the private prison system!


Overcrowding!


Malnutrition!


Sexual assault!

I don't think any of us would want to be Evil Jacques right now. Meanwhile, Gino announces that there's rumours going round that Jake and Taker have been spotted somewhere around MSG. I'll warn you now, don't get your hopes up. Heenan raises the possibility that someone might raise an objection to tonight's nuptials. It's a television wedding so I'd almost be affronted if they didn't! The match is still happening by the way. Greg nails a sunset flip and a body slam. It's really loving dire, guys. Which is why I'm going back to talking about the commentary. Piper says “New York's a heck of a town, the Bronx is up and the Mountie's down” which I assure makes just as little sense in context. From here he launches into singing showtunes. Man, he's as done with this show as I am.

IRS gets in some offence as he locks on an abdominal stretch and hits a big clothesline. Gino wonders why he's wearing a tie and braces. It's because he's a businessman, Gino. Obviously. IRS tries to go up top but Greg reaches him and throws him off. He slaps on the Figure 4 but IRS manages to get to the ropes. Gino says that IRS has stretched his “collateral lateral ligaments” which is a lovely turn of phrase. Greg follows up with a shinbreaker while crowd stares in abject silence. They've been really hot all night but not even these guys can muster a single gently caress for Greg. Can we just call his career a day already? He goes for the Figure 4 again but IRS rolls him up in a small package and this match is mercifully done.


If there wasn't enough reason to hate Greg he also notoriously despises public spending

Holy poo poo, this sucked. Can somebody explain to me which human being was responsible for the colossal gently caress up of an error that allowed Greg to have a real match on PPV? And once they've done that, can we fire that human being? Into the sun. And Greg as well because I just want him gone. Did you know that he had a match on Heat with Rob Conway in 2005? Because I just found that out and now I despair for humanity. This has pissed me off so much I've not even been able to give my initial thoughts on IRS who we saw before all the way back at WM1 as Mike Rotunda. I'll do it next time.

Make sure you get your Hot Ticket for the biggest show in town. No, it's not a Nirvana concert, it's Hulk Hogan: A Real American Story. I'm still not watching it.

In the back Zombie Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. Hulk thinks that MSG is the only appropriate place for this match although I'd think anywhere with TV cameras would make for a decent shout. He's been waiting for the same rush he felt when he first won the title and he's feeling it tonight. Warrior adds that one strike from the cobra isn't enough to hold him back. That's right, the Hexagon of Horror apparently set a snake on Warrior in the run-up to this match. I can only assume they did this while Jake looked on from the sidelines in tears. Warrior warns them that they will not come by tank or by air but “walk side by side and leave four foot steps behind”. Dude, you get paid enough, I'm sure you can shout for a cab. He adds that they walk into battle to leave as they came and Hulk claims the toxins of the cobra just put more gas on the fire of the Warriors.


RAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Can't believe Hogan was so open about Warrior being on the gas :aaa:

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

It was not in fact the Iraqis who set a snake loose on Warrior, it was...well, watch all this (the weeks prior to the PPV). It is very much worth it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa_u5OYB_rc

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Numero6
Oct 10, 2012

ここは地の果て 流されて俺
今日もさすらい 涙も涸れる
ブルーゲイル
Oh god they had two of the most dull wrestlers have a match...


DeathChicken posted:

It was not in fact the Iraqis who set a snake loose on Warrior, it was...well, watch all this (the weeks prior to the PPV). It is very much worth it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa_u5OYB_rc

BURY ME SNAKE MAN!

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