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Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



DeathChicken posted:

Yeah, I'm thinking Jesse's film career (such as it was. I liked him in Predator) was in little danger from the Hulkster

I was watching WWF at the time, and the way they had the commentators promoting the film when it came out was so sad. From having Heenan say he couldn't get in because all the showings were sold out, and there was lines around the block, to having the commentators discuss how there was talk about Hogan getting an Oscar nomination, while showing the clip of Rip at the bedside of his brother Randy from the film (Why yes, the younger brother of Hogan's character was called Randy. A subtle dig at the Macho Man?)

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God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.
Stan Hansen's whole run in WWF is No Holds Barred. A lot of people think he's one of the best brawlers of all time... I don't think he's up there with Cactus, or Brody or Funk. Of course I've never loving seen the seminal masterpiece of cinema known as No Holes Barred, because why on Earth would I do that to myself?

Also, good job on this thread Rarity.

God Of Paradise fucked around with this message at 17:48 on Nov 28, 2017

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD-2R World
Wasn't most of Hansen's good work in Japan?

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

God Of Paradise posted:

Stan Hansen's whole run in WWF is No Holds Barred. A lot of people think he's one of the best brawlers of all time... I don't think he's up there with Cactus, or Brody or Funk. Of course I've never loving seen the seminal masterpiece of cinema known as No Holes Barred, because why on Earth would I do that to myself?

Also, good job on this thread Rarity.

Don't worry, I watched it so you don't have to :suicide:

God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

sean10mm posted:

Wasn't most of Hansen's good work in Japan?

Yeah. I've seen some 70's tapes of Hansen in M'urica. There's a great early 70's match-up of him vs. Andre, where Big DRE da Giant hits a badass top-rope dropkick.

If you want to see the brutal insanity of Stan Hansen, look up that Japan match where he pulls out Vader's eye.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.


:smith:

Grimey Drawer
This was an early case of McMahon wanting to be more than just a wrestling guy, he wanted to be a media mogul with multiple sustainable ventures, and this was his big shot at the movies.

It's also just a year or so out of date- the landscape for action movies was changing a bit, really OTT films like Cobra giving way to the likes of Lethal Weapon or Die Hard. From what I can tell on IMDB the film made money, but it was basically one of a million B punchguy flicks coming out at the end of the decade.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



The production company Vince started to make the film was called Shane Films

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Suitably recovered from this ordeal, Rip goes to his own boardroom for a meeting with his team. It's here he's introduced to his new brand account manager, a hot lady with big 80s hair called Sam. Now Sam is a consummate professional. She's done a lot of research and she's got a lot of ideas to improve areas such as merchandising and optics so of course this meeting turns into Rip ignoring everything she has to say so he can objectify her and commit sexual harassment. Naturally Sam responds to this like all ladies do, with gushing panties and open legs, so he asks Rip out to dinner.

For dinner Sam has taken Rip to a fancy French restaurant, an occasion for which Rip has chosen to wear the whitest suit known to man. Whiter than Akeem, even. The waiter comes to take their order and he's a posh French stereotype so he starts laying into Rip for not matching his level of sophistiqué. He warns Rip they don't offer hamburgers or hot dogs but the chefs show up and chase him off. It turns out the waiter is new, Rip eats here all the time and is bezzies with the chefs. Ohohoho, what a misunderstanding.

Meanwhile, Ted and his two weeniest execs are visiting a garbage carny wrestling event in a dive bar that's clearly an early CZW show. The waitress takes one look at them in their suits and sends them to the gay bar down the road. Hehe. Two big fat fucks lumber around a makeshift ring biting each other with the occasional punch thrown in. To emphasise the seediness of all this one of the patrons spits tobacco on one of the Weeny Exec's shoes. As for the ref, he's drinking at the bar and hitting on a girl which sure is one way of taking a ref bump. One of the fat rednecks wins the match so Ted pays Spitty to go fight him. Spitty kicks his rear end, grabs a keg and starts chugging it down. Stone Cold Spitty!


Also Tyrion Lannister is hanging around suspended from a cage for some reason

While the smartest man in Westeros looks on from above the Weeny Execs take their leave for the little boy's room which they quickly discover is a disgusting grothole where the urinals are overflowing with piss. They start to take a wazz and while they do so they cuss out all these rednecks but oh no, who's that taking a dump? It's Stone Cold Spitty! And he is not happy with the Weeny Execs having a go at his people. He comes charging out the door and he's about to kick some rear end when he bends down and sees the contents of their crotches. At this sight he takes pity and just walks off laughing. That's right, Stone Cold Spitty is dissuaded from violence by the sight of the Weeny Execs and their tiny dicks.

WHY THE gently caress IS THIS HAPPENING?

Outside the WTN offices Ted holds a press release to officially announce the premiere of his brand new show, The Battle of the Tough Guys. Holy poo poo, that's an even worse name for a show than WCW Greed. While Ted hypes up this show we see a montage of hefty redneck fighters listening in. Now, you might think these guys would turn out to be important given the way they're introduced but they will be background extras later in one scene and that's it. Ted invites people to come down if they're “tough enough”. Careful buddy, this is how you end with a show headlined by Matt Morgan vs. Maven.

MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION

Ted Turner: “We're entering a new era in sports television”


Funny, cause it looks exactly the same as every other show for the last four years

Back at the bar they're setting up for their first show and Ted is introduced to some of the roster for this first event. And oh boy, they sure are set for the big leagues with stars the likes of Bulldog MacPherson and Klondike Kramer. Southpaw Regional Wrestling eat your heart out. But none can match the superiority of their main eventer: the reigning, defending, undisputed, tough guy champion BRRRRRRROCK CHISLERRRRRRRRR. While the match gets underway Stone Cold Spitty laughs at the Weeny Execs' weeny weiners. The two hosses fight with all the grace of Akeem in a straightjacket when suddenly the front door breaks off its hinges and standing there is the man, the myth, the legend they call Zeus.

To illustrate the sheer brawn of this man, Zeus grabs a waitress with one hand then lifts her up and drops her in a barrel. Everyone in the bar is terrified. Somewhere the Dookie Guy lets out a sigh because his trousers only just got back from the dry cleaners. The only one not shaking in awe is Ted who's is filled with Vince-levels of lust at this mass of muscle. He allows Zeus to fight so Zeus gets in the ring and trashes all the rednecks. Zeus moves like one of those 90s Power Rangers villains except he's not wearing a giant plastic bodysuit. And he's screaming. Oh god, he is screaming. It's never-ending.

Watching all of this from his fancy home is Rip and his entourage. They argue over whether Rip could take Zeus or not. Rip's confident but even as he says that Zeus is totally wrecking Stone Cold Spitty. That gimmick's never gonna get over, kid! Later on, Trainer admits to Rip that he used to train Zeus but the guy was out of control and eventually he killed a guy and got jailed. Fun fact: Trainer would later go on to train the Great Khali.

The next day in the boardroom Ted has got his hands on the overnights and he is delighted. The Battle of the Tough Guys was #1 in their timeslot. So I'm guessing this show must have aired Saturday night 1-2am because there's no way that dreck would be beating the likes of Roseanne, Cheers and the Cosby Show. It's not all good news, though. A number of offended viewers have written in to express their distaste for the vulgarity of the product. Ted laughs them off because he thinks they'll keep watching and just want to be outraged about something. I feel like Vince is making some kind of a statement here but I can't quite catch the subtext.


“They're talking up this new guy, Buff... Bagswell? Can we get Buff Bagswell?”

Episode two of The Battle of the Tough Guys rolls around and this week Zeus has gone to an industrial warehouse to fight a fat blue collar schlub by the name of Workwrench. He attacks Zeus with a workwrench. We're not working with complicated metaphors here. The execs watch the dailies from the editing suite and celebrate. Ted's planning to lead Zeus to Rip so that he can get his big money Tough Guymania match. Meanwhile, Zeus shoves Workwrench into a furnace and the guy burns to death. Ted's making snuff movies all up in this joint.

At Rip's place Sam is talking on the phone to a :siren: mystery person :siren: and they are discussing a :siren: plan :siren: which Sam swears is close to :siren: success :siren:. Ok, so we're all agreed that Sam's evil, right? She's definitely evil. Sam and Rip leave to go on a press tour and Sam's got a whole itinerary planned but all Rip wants to do is take her to dinner. Hopefully it's not the French place again because they already had to fire one waiter. Rip's going to kill their staff retention.

Thankfully their dining venue is very much not a fancy French restaurant. It's a greasy spoon and where they're at is never really explained but I'm guessing it's one of those places Rip found while travelling on the road. They're just about to eat when by some random twist of fate two robbers come in to hold up the café. Now, I don't buy this fortuitous timing. I reckon Rip just paid off these two lads to come cause a ruckus and make him look good. Either way, Rip stands up to the robbers, throwing a chair at one of them and then escalating to even more serious violence, pie tossing. Rip sends the robbers running and takes one look at Sam who is so turned on right now.


~skeezy porn sax~

Disaster at the hotel! Despite the efforts spent to make full arrangements it turns out Sam and Rip have only booked one bedroom! And it's a double! Oh no, what an inconvenience! Whatever will our intrepid hero do? Well, to combat this sitcom-level plot device Rip sets up a washing line and hangs a sheet halfway across the bed. Such quick thinking will surely prevent any untoward situations. Steven Richards would be proud.

Rip and Sam both get ready for bed in a sappy montage that heralds impending bumping and grinding. Once she's finished getting ready for bed Sam walks out of the bathroom to settle down in bra and pants. Because that's what women do. I myself like to relax after work resting on the couch in a negligee, garters and heels. Rip asks Sam what the guys she dates are like but Sam doesn't have time for dating because she's always working. Now Sam might have made the fair and legitimate decision to choose a career over a love life but Rip still tries to neg her about it. Fortunately Sam's got no time for his bullshit and goes to bed.

Later in the night Sam wakes up to find Rip doing press-ups in his undies.


Just your standard late-night naked workout

Sam's not falling for step 3 in the Rip Hunter playbook though, she is a fierce and independent woman who knows her own mind. Suitably blueballsed Rip turns in for the night but as soon as he lies down his weight breaks the bed, sending Sam rolling on top of her. Classic step 4 move, Rip. Even close proximal contact won't get him this pin though so Rip throws a hissyfit and leaves to go jerk off in the shower.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

OldTennisCourt posted:

Who was it that had the idea to tie performance to bonuses?

Cao Cao

Venomous
Nov 7, 2011





God Of Paradise posted:

Stan Hansen's whole run in WWF is No Holds Barred.

Didn't he have a run in the 70s and early 80s, including a fair few matches with Bruno? idk

Glass Punkbull 141
Jan 9, 2008

This is the face of a winner. This is what winning looks like.

If China has a wrestling boom I'm hoping that someone does a Three Kingdoms warlord gimmick.

Also really digging this thread Rarity. I'm really interested to hear what you think about my personal favorite Wrestlemania.

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

Venomous posted:

Didn't he have a run in the 70s and early 80s, including a fair few matches with Bruno? idk

That's the WWWF!

Renaissance Spam
Jun 5, 2010

Can it wait a for a bit? I'm in the middle of some *gyrations*


Jack Anderson posted:

If China has a wrestling boom I'm hoping that someone does a Three Kingdoms warlord gimmick.

Also really digging this thread Rarity. I'm really interested to hear what you think about my personal favorite Wrestlemania.

WHAT'S LU BU DOING IN THE PEACH GARDEN?!?!?

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!

I laughed -really- hard at this

edit: Let's get bull james to play dong zhuo

God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

Venomous posted:

Didn't he have a run in the 70s and early 80s, including a fair few matches with Bruno? idk

Yeah. I'm not really sure of the details but I seen footage.

My favorite part of the Three Kingdoms was when Xaiyou Dun pulled the arrow out of his eye, said, this was a gift given to me by my ancestors, no enemy can have it, and then he ate his own eyeball, continuing to fight.

God Of Paradise fucked around with this message at 09:26 on Nov 30, 2017

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT

Ted Turner: “God save me from conniving females”

In the boardroom Ted's getting mad at someone. Oh look, it's Sam. It was a setup all along, King. He's pissed because Sam couldn't even put out for Rip like he'd intended. But Sam has full on had enough with men laying ownership of her body and is ready to make her own decisions. She's not going to sleep with Rip because he's a Nice Guy and Sam knows well enough that men who carry printers all across town for you have got some deep misogynistic issues. Never one to turn down an opportunity to be a douche, Ted slaps Sam round the face so she runs away.

And goes running straight to Rip. Now we have to keep in mind here that Sam has just been the victim of assault. She's suffering from shock, trauma and potentially developing the first signs of PTSD. In short, it's fair to say that she is currently in a very vulnerable headspace. So filled with remorse she spills her guts to Rip and turns her back on Ted. Seeing this woman in such a tough emotional place Rip does the good, right Nice thing. He makes it all about himself. At the request of no one Rip takes on the role of judge, father and saviour by gracing Sam with his forgiveness. Because the only worth that matters is the worth that He bestows on you.

Suitably mindfucked by these two men, Sam has at last had all agency stripped away from her and spends the rest of the movie as a vagina on legs. To celebrate her new role in life Sam immediately jumps on the sofa and starts macking on Rip. Unfortunately they're interrupted by Zeus doing a TV interview. He sits and snarls and challenges Rip to a match. By the way, I can't believe I've managed to go three shows and not once mention Zeus's monobrow.

WORST HAIR


The gently caress is that thing?

In a rather bizarre segue we're now at kids ...sportsday? ...Fete? ...Make-A-Wish reward? Look, Rip is hanging out in a park with a bunch of children in a totally not weird way, don't ask me any questions I can't answer. So Rip's keeping all these kids entertained when a helicopter suddenly shows up and lands. Zeus walks out flanked by Ted and the execs and engages in a staredown with Rip, who stays quiet through this whole thing. Ted interprets this as Rip refusing the challenge so he storms off in a huff. The kids all want Rip to fight but Trainer's proud that Rip backed down. Way to be a star, Rip.

While Rip is sticking to his principles, Sam is fully embracing her new role as willing sex object by improving her damsel skills. She's walking through a car park when a shady dude appears and tries to kidnap her. But feeling his rescuer radar sense ticking Rip appears from nowhere riding in on a motorbike. He slams right into the kidnapper, carrying him on the front of his bike until he dumps him in a tree. Now I assume this was something Ted set up but seeing as it's never referred to outside this scene I can't say for sure.

Meanwhile, lil' Randy Hunter and his mate goes to check out one of Zeus's fights in person. He's going up against some big schlubby fat guy with a rebar but Zeus shrugs off the weapon and kicks the dude's rear end. He celebrates his victory with a bestial roar that sends the crowd scrambling. Randy runs right into Ted who's delighted to see a guy in Rip merch at his show. Because if my brother was a huge celebrity I'd be wearing his T-shirts everywhere, especially when going to see his mortal enemy. Anyway, Randy's mate lets on about Randy's famous brother which changes the tone dramatically. Zeus attacks Randy and even though the little guy tries to do the 'dodging with agility' thing he doesn't get very far.


Fun fact: Randy Hunter is also X-Pac's porn name

Ted and Zeus have done a lot of bad things to Rip. They insulted his name, his legacy and his manhood. They've reduced his viewing figures and brand value. They've hired a girl to have sex with him (erm, hang on...). Yes, lots of bad things but now that they've gone after his brother, now it's personal. Rip storms into Zeus's gym in an attempt to confront his foe. The place is empty but there's loud music, flickery lights and videos of Ted telling Zeus how much Rip hates him. Yep, we're seriously meant to believe that 1980s TV exec has gone full A Clockwork Orange. It's at this point that Ted crosses the line into full on Bond villain. Rip finds Zeus in front of a mirror and charges at him but just crashes straight through the mirror. It was only a projection of Zeus that Ted set up to dick Rip around. That's right, Ted, you poke that angry bear.

Rip goes to visit Randy in hospital. You'd really think that he would have made that his first port of call before going after Zeus. Although it is only Randy, there's worse brothers to lose I guess. Rip's all devastated about what's happened and he cries at Randy's bedside. Or at least that's what's meant to happen. Taking Hulk's acting ability into account it's more like he has an asthma attack. Of course, now that he's got a personal investment Rip is all in on fighting Zeus and Ted is very excited to announce that match for the next episode of The Battle of the Tough Guys. Dude, you don't just give away your big money matches without any build. Yet another reason WTN is getting hammered in the ratings no doubt. There's a brief montage of Zeus training for the match while Rip helps Randy through physical rehab.


While Zeus destroys cinderblocks with his bare hands Randy... has a bath

It's the day of the big match and Ted has a plan to ensure that Rip won't be victorious against Zeus. I see that he's already heard how difficult it is getting Hulk to do the job. As Rip and his entourage make their way to his dressing room Sam lingers in the elevator a little too long and gets cornered by goons who take her to the Weeny Execs. With his ladyfriend on lockdown Ted goes to Rip and blackmails him into throwing the fight. Rip's not down for that plan so he sends his entourage of to find Sam while he heads to the ring. Of course, Sting would later go on to try this plan in '97 with similar results.

Rarity fucked around with this message at 07:48 on Dec 1, 2017

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Too late I already read the whole review before you edited!

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Jerusalem posted:

Too late I already read the whole review before you edited!

:ssh: I realised I needed to pace it out or else the next update would be way too long

God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.
I remember being seven, in a hotel in Lubbock Texas, and zoning the gently caress out when Zeus was fighting Hogan on SNME. When you're seven and you've got X-Pac heat for the top star of the company, that company is in trouble. That's exactly when i switched over and stopped caring about WWF as a kid.

Around the same time as the whole Hogan vs Zeus feud was going on, I remember watching Flair vs Funk and Flair, Muta, Sting, Luger and the Road Warriors and Steiners have a round robin tournament on the other wrestling show. I remember watching WCW until well.... Hogan showed up and turned everything to poo poo again.

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

God Of Paradise fucked around with this message at 10:25 on Dec 2, 2017

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

God Of Paradise posted:

I remember being seven, in a hotel in Lubbock Texas, and zoning the gently caress out when Zeus was fighting Hogan on SNME. When you're seven and you've got X-Pac heat for the top star of the company, that company is in trouble. That's exactly when i switched over and stopped caring about WWF as a kid.

Around the same time as the whole Hogan vs Zeus feud was going on, I remember watching Flair vs Funk and Flair, Muta, Sting, Luger and the Road Warriors and Steiners have a round robin tournament on the other wrestling show. I remember watching WCW until well.... Hogan showed up and turned everything to poo poo again.

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

No. Around here, Hogan was never accepted as being on Flair's level. Of course, I'm in the south, so that might have something to do with it.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

God Of Paradise posted:

I remember being seven, in a hotel in Lubbock Texas, and zoning the gently caress out when Zeus was fighting Hogan on SNME. When you're seven and you've got X-Pac heat for the top star of the company, that company is in trouble. That's exactly when i switched over and stopped caring about WWF as a kid.

Around the same time as the whole Hogan vs Zeus feud was going on, I remember watching Flair vs Funk and Flair, Muta, Sting, Luger and the Road Warriors and Steiners have a round robin tournament on the other wrestling show. I remember watching WCW until well.... Hogan showed up and turned everything to poo poo again.

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

I didn’t really watch wrestling as a kid cause I wasn’t allowed to but when I did he just looked like a gross old bald dude and I didn’t get any of the hype.

The first time I actually saw a whole match was when Luger “slammed” Yokozuna and I was majorly impressed and then my mom yelled at me for watching it. Wrestling and Married with Children were the only things I wasn’t allowed to watch as a kid for whatever reason

forkboy84
Jun 13, 2012

Corgis love bread. And Puro


God Of Paradise posted:

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

Wish I could say me but nope, huge Hogan fan, even had a poster of him on my bedroom wall, the Hulkster in the midst of ripping his shirt off. But I only followed on VHS rented from Blockbuster, we didn't have satellite telly.

I didn't even notice how tragic his hair was, I just thought he had a full head of hair, so I guess the skullet fooled 7 year old me. I also thought Brutus Beefcake was really cool based entirely on his theme song so I wasn't the smartest kid.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

What wasn't to like about Beefcake as a kid? He was a lunatic with a neat theme song running around with giant scissors, and the Sleeper was a cool finisher any dumb kid could copy and probably injure their cousin with

Tokyo Sexwale
Jul 30, 2003

God Of Paradise posted:

I remember being seven, in a hotel in Lubbock Texas, and zoning the gently caress out when Zeus was fighting Hogan on SNME. When you're seven and you've got X-Pac heat for the top star of the company, that company is in trouble. That's exactly when i switched over and stopped caring about WWF as a kid.

Around the same time as the whole Hogan vs Zeus feud was going on, I remember watching Flair vs Funk and Flair, Muta, Sting, Luger and the Road Warriors and Steiners have a round robin tournament on the other wrestling show. I remember watching WCW until well.... Hogan showed up and turned everything to poo poo again.

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

I was born and raised in southern Alberta so I was all about the Hart family and the Stampede crew.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



DeathChicken posted:

What wasn't to like about Beefcake as a kid? He was a lunatic with a neat theme song running around with giant scissors, and the Sleeper was a cool finisher any dumb kid could copy and probably injure their cousin with

And people forget how over Beefcake was prior to his parasailing accident

Nystral
Feb 6, 2002

Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance.

God Of Paradise posted:


So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

In Central Florida I only knew about WWF in the late 80s. I knew a kid who watched WCW and I think I saw WCW on TV once or twice during the Kangaroos sponsorship days but it wasn’t my thing. The 89-90 time frame was when I started to watch with consistency and remember the matches, and I was 100% on board for Hulkamania.

The only guy that I can recall challenging Hulk was Jake or Warrior. But everything was all Hulk all the time.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Nystral posted:

In Central Florida I only knew about WWF in the late 80s. I knew a kid who watched WCW and I think I saw WCW on TV once or twice during the Kangaroos sponsorship days but it wasn’t my thing. The 89-90 time frame was when I started to watch with consistency and remember the matches, and I was 100% on board for Hulkamania.

The only guy that I can recall challenging Hulk was Jake or Warrior. But everything was all Hulk all the time.

Until the crowd started popping more for Jake than Hulk :unsmith:

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010
I loved Hulk until around when Warrior beat him, then I got bored of his act pretty quick. Having access to WCW not long afterwards, along with Jake disappearing from WWE (Jake was the first bad guy I ever cheered) and Superstars gradually being less important storywise killed my interest.

Canada getting TBS really changed how I watched wrestling and what I looked for in wrestlers in terms of entertainment.

El Gallinero Gros fucked around with this message at 20:53 on Dec 2, 2017

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
TBS at 6:05 was a staple of my childhood.

I always preferred NWA/WCW to WWF until Hogan et all killed it, which I'm placing at Starcade '97

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Setter is Better.
WCW 1994 was so good until Hulk came in. (in fairness, it wasn't very profitable until Hulk came in either)


Hollywood Hulk was loving awesome for like two solid years, though.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Feels Villeneuve posted:

WCW 1994 was so good until Hulk came in.


Hollywood Hulk was loving awesome for like two solid years, though.

Man, Hollywood Hulk was amazing for a while. His insane, coked out promos were great. I didn't know he had it in him, but poo poo, I was wrong.

Renaissance Spam
Jun 5, 2010

Can it wait a for a bit? I'm in the middle of some *gyrations*


Jason Sextro posted:

I was born and raised in southern Alberta so I was all about the Hart family and the Stampede crew.

Yeah, growing up in Calgary basically meant the main event of any show was when Bret showed up, after that it was a forgettable mess of big guys hitting each other. TBF I didn't get into wrestling until about 92 and like Aesop my parents looked down on wrestling (I wasn't forbade from it, they just thought it was incredibly stupid and I could be watching something better) so I rarely caught it and Hogan by that point was this shadow hanging over the WWF as opposed to someone I actually watched.

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine
I usually liked the heels more than the faces, simply because they worked harder.

Mr. Perfect, Ted DiBiase, and I was the biggest Macho Man mark, and so thrilled when EDIT SPOILERS, sorry forget which thread this was.

Shiki Dan fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Dec 3, 2017

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Shiki Dan posted:

I usually liked the heels more than the faces, simply because they worked harder.


Ricky Steamboat :colbert:

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



Randaconda posted:

Ricky Steamboat :colbert:

Tito Santana

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

My favorite dude comes around next year in Rarity's reviews.

God Of Paradise
Jan 23, 2012
You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.
Gong.

Randaconda posted:

Of course, I'm in the south, so that might have something to do with it.

Same. Flair country.

IIRC as a kid I thought Macho was the good guy in the Megapowers fued. Whenever a guy wins 100 percent of the time, he's no longer the good guy, he's the evil empire. oval office Hogan, Golden State, The Yankees.. Root for them and I'll question your character.

DONT TOUCH THE PC
Jul 15, 2001

You should try it, it's a real buzz.

God Of Paradise posted:

So I ask this... Was I the only kid who hated Hulk Hogan?

I was in a weird spot, I got into wrestling as a kid in the early 90s and the only exposure I had to the Hulkster was his bit in Gremlins 2 so he never registered as a wrestler.
It didn't help that the only wrestling I could (and did) watch was NJPW on Eurosport and he didn't make an appearance there either, I was a huge fan of Jushin Liger.

When I got to see Hogan on TV it was in the WCW on TNT classic/Cartoon Network and by then he was in the nWo and I quickly didn't care for them.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
The stands are packed as the big event gets started. Ted's set up a special octagonal ring so I think we can see where Jeff Jarrett found his inspiration for TNA. Rip enters the ring first with Zeus following close behind decked out in his epic shoulderpads. He slaps the ring announcer aside as he steps into the ring and somewhere in the world Howard Finkel's heart gives an empathetic twinge. The match (for wont of a better word) begins as Zeus grabs the title out of Rip's hands and starts slapping him around the face like he's swinging a dead haddock.


I see someone's been grinding Onyxia kills

Many floors above the Weeny Execs are keeping Sam under guard but uh oh, they've not reckoned with the pulse-quickening excitement of this huge match. Zeus is kicking Rip's rear end all round the ring and the execs and their goons are so wrapped up in the show that they don't notice Sam sneak out of the room. The sound of the door rouses them from their reverie and they give chase. Sam gets into an elevator but when the doors open the Weeny Execs are waiting. This was not a well thought out plan, Sam. Luckily, Rip's entourage show up to rescue her because god forbid a woman getting out of a bad situation without any help from a male saviour.

Back in the ring Zeus has clearly been studying up on Ric Flair tapes cause he exposes the metal turnbuckle and slams Rip's head into it. He's got Rip down and out on the mat so he grabs the ringpost and breaks it off, much like Flair at Starrcade '84. Zeus is about to smash Rip's brains all over the mat but Rip stares at his little bro and the sight and gets the willpower he needs to roll aside.


Dookie...

The match continues and let me tell you, this is even more painful than watching Hulk and Zeus at Summerslam. How is that even possible? You'd think that with the benefit of rehearsals and editing they'd be able to make it better. Like, I'm not expecting them to turn it into another Savage/Steamboat but they could at least make it not suck. Zeus tries to break Rip's neck so the ref jumps in to stop him. Except Zeus is far too strong and just shrugs the ref off but look who's here to provide Rip his second burst of emotional inspiration. It's Sam! They share a long lingering look and... Oh wait, Zeus just keeps on kicking Rip's rear end all round the building.

The fight drags on and on and on until Rip finally rips up and returns fire with a punch and a body slam. He follows up with an axe handle but Zeus traps him in a bear hug. Ah, so all those bear hug spots were really just foreshadowing. You're too smart for me, WWF. Rip breaks out and sends Zeus running through the crowd and up to the production area. Rip gives chase but Zeus knocks him off the balcony and he goes crashing to the floor below. Which sounds like a big deal but it's actually only a couple of feet. All through this Ted's been in the production room and with Rip down and out he starts losing his poo poo. loving mark.

Believing that the fight is over, Zeus raises his arms and lets out a roar of celebration. But no, what's this? Like a corpse rising from the grave Rip's hand reaches over the balcony and grabs Zeus's leg. Zeus tries to wrench himself free but Rip's grip is too strong and he knocks Zeus clear off the balcony, sending him crashing all the way through the ring. Say hi to Ric Flair down there! With his foe defeated Rip heads back up the stairs to confront Ted. Rip advances on him and with nowhere else to go Ted backs up into an fuse and receives an electric shock so strong that he dies. Yes, really. The crowd cheers in celebration for the end of a man's life.


Freeze frame, roll credits

No, seriously. Freeze frame, roll credits. That's the end. With the testosterone-fuelled fight done there's no need to follow up on things like dangling plot hooks. Do Rip and Sam get together? Does Randy ever learn to walk again? Will Stone Cold Spitty ever be WWF champion? None of these things matter. Holy poo poo, that movie was absolutely loving tragic. I can't believe I talked myself into doing this. I can't believe I don't have better things to do with my life. The only person feeling worse about this whole experience than me is Mark Pellegrino. At least I don't have to worry about justifying this as a step in my Hollywood career. God drat, that sucked.

You know what doesn't suck though? The rad theme song that plays over the end credits. It's like a classic James Bond theme, it's badass as hell.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l24bxhZ3kQ4

So let's wrap this little beauty up with some cold hard facts. No Holds Barred premiered in movie theatres on 2nd June 1989. It would go on to rake in $16 million at the box office to rank as the 64th best performing movie of the year. This would be a better performance than Jim Sheridan's 'My Left Foot', Gus Van Sant's 'Drugstore Cowboy', Kenneth Brannagh's 'Henry V' and Peter Greenaway's 'The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover'. No Holds Barred has an IMDB rating of 4.3/10 and a score on Rotten Tomatoes of 11%. Both are better than it deserves.Despite all evidence to the contrary there is still a wrestling show buried underneath all of this. We get back into the swing of things with an advert for Royal Rumble, featuring all your favourite WWF superstars and also the Widow Maker! He sounds like a pleasant fellow.

It's time to take a journey into the unknown! Our tour guide for this enigmatic adventure is Sean Mooney who takes as inside the confines of the steel cage so that we can “feel the awesomeness”. I don't think that's quite the vibe you're meant to be going for here, Mooney. He warns us that we're going to see horrific images of flesh striking against steel and seriously, it's only a cage match. This isn't that big a deal. No one made this much of a fuss for WM2.


The only horrific thing in that cage is your presenting skills

Now we get a recap video of all the various altercations between Hulk and Zeus, the vast majority of which have been previously covered in this thread. Zeus showed up on an episode of Saturday Night's Main Event to confront Hulk and proved to be so indestructible that not even chair shots could faze him. We see clips from Summerslam of Zeus kicking Hulk's rear end. We don't see clips from Summerslam of Hulk coming back to win the match because that would kill all the tension. Zeus would later go on to unite with Ted DiBiase and wrench Hulk's neck under his instruction. He did the exact same move at Survivor Series but got disqualified. Afterwards, Randy Savage and Zeus ambushed Hulk and Burtus Beefcake and had to be separated by the whole locker room.

Man, we've really fallen a long way from the Mega Powers exploding, haven't we?

The Royal Rumble is coming! Except there's a little bit of a problem. Some of PPV providers in America are planning on dropping the WWF's shows so some of the little Jimmys won't be able to see their favourite guys beat the hell out of each other. Zombie Mean Gene urges the fans to contact their providers to express their desire for WWF programming. You know, coming at it now from an era where WWE is so synonymous with wrestling and so prevalent worldwide this idea is so foreign to me. I can't wrap my head around a world where WWF PPVs aren't just instantly available and it's weird to think they were ever facing that situation.

In the back Schiavone is catching up with Savage, Zeus and Sensational Sherri to discuss tonight's big match. Savage says that things are going to get out of control, much like Zeus's pecs which are dancing all over the place. Sherri, who has found a whole other level of insane, adds that Hulk will bow at their feet for the destruction of Hulkamania and then she freezes up still for the entire rest of the interview. Savage thinks that he's got Hulk's number which is destruction and when he looks Zeus's eyes he can see the madness. I'm not surprised, I think these three are completely off their nut at this point.


So Sherri's kinda becoming awesome now

Not far away Mooney is talking with the other half of this main event, Hulk and Burtus. Hulk says that the lambs have already been led to the slaughter because Savage and Zeus have fallen into his trap. He calls Burtus the #1 Hulkamaniac and asks him to leave Zeus alone so that Hulk has got him all to himself. He says that these are roughest seas he's ever sailed in but the 'vitamins' will be the strongest force.

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Do not even ask
Apr 8, 2008


Now I want Rarity to review Hogan's entire filmography. Santa with Muscles, Mr. Nanny, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Oh My!

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