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At the start of this year I had a grand idea. An idea to watch my way through the old WWE PPVs and write about them for the pleasure of my fellow goons on PSP! Unfortunately two days later my life went to poo poo and I didn't have the time or the energy or the desire to keep going. But things are going well for me now so let's try this again! Join me as I watch all of WWE's shows from ages past until I get bored or die (I'm expecting 1993 will cause at least one of those to occur). To give you all some background, I became a fan of wrestling at the start of 2000 in the peak of the Attitude Era. I was a heavy fan for a few years, watched off-and-on for a while after that and then paid a lot of attention between 2011-2013. However, most of what's happened in the last 30 years is unexplored territory for me and I've got pretty much no idea of anything pre-1998. This is going to be my first experience watching old-school wrestling and I'm very excited to share that with you. The Golden Rule As a lot of my enjoyment for this endeavour comes from discovering the unknown I want to enforce a strict no spoiler policy in this thread so that I can go into these PPVs blind. Things I don't want to know about include but are not limited to:
Table of Contents 1985 Wrestlemania I: The Granddaddy of Them All (Which Is Why He's A Little Bit Racist): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 *requires archives The Wrestling Classic: Somewhat Of A Misnomer: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Wrestling Observer Awards 1986 Wrestlemania II: Three Times The Arenas, A Third Of The Fun: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 Wrestling Observer Awards 1987 Wrestlemania III: The Assassination of Andre the Giant By The Coward Hulk Hogan: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Survivor Series: I'm Thankful For Mostly Sensible Booking: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 Wrestling Observer Awards 1988 Wrestlemania IV: Making the WWF Great Again: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Summerslam: The Biggest Party of the Summer (Glastonbury Not Included): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 Royal Rumble: Let's Get Ready To Grumble: Part 1 | Part2 | Part 3 | Part 4 (watched out of order) Survivor Series: A Lesson In Cultural Appropriation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Wrestling Observer Awards 1989 Royal Rumble: Big John Studd's Big Day Out: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 Wrestlemania V: I Need More 'Most Offensive Comment' Awards: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Summerslam: A One Hundred And Sixty Minute Trailer: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Survivor Series: Your Winner and Sole Survivor, Tedium!: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Part 5 No Holds Barred: I Have The Worst Ideas: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 Wrestling Observer Awards 1990 Royal Rumble: Running On A Treadmill, Going Nowhere: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Wrestlemania VI: Fear The Destrucity of an Era Collapsing in the Ruins of Moon Asteroids: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 Summerslam: Ted DiBiase Makes Sound Financial Investments: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 Survivor Series: The Endless Cycle of Life and Death: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 1991 Royal Rumble: The Cruel Temptation of the Ultimate Warrior: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 Wrestlemania VII: America, gently caress Yeah! Freedom Is The Only Way, Yeah!: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 Summerslam: A Brutal Exposé on the Private Prison System by Jacques Rougeau: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 The Madonna and the Whore: A Discussion of Female Representation in the WWF in the Early 90s Survivor Series: Drink Every Time They Say 'This Tuesday In Texas': Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 This Tuesday In Texas: Soon To Be Followed This Monday In Michigan, This Friday in Fresno and This Christmas in Colorado: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 1992 Royal Rumble: Laughing At The Mentally Handicapped Is Totally Fine: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Wrestlemania VIII: Earthquake Is A Face Now And I Don't Know How To Deal With That: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 The Rarities: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Rarity fucked around with this message at 18:55 on Sep 29, 2018 |
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Jul 21, 2017 15:43
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The Wrestling Classic: Somewhat Of A Misnomer What I Think I Know:
So this is something exciting, isn't it? I figured I'd be heading straight from Wrestlemania 1 to Wrestlemania 2 but instead we have an unexpected diversion. I'm giddy with the thrill of surprises and excitement knowing full well I probably shouldn't be. The show begins with a rundown of the superstars that will be entertaining me tonight. Some I know, some I've heard about, some are big scary manbeasts I just want to go away.  Please mummy, can we go home now? And now we are live from the Rosemont Centre in Chicago, Illinois with our good buddy Vince McMahon but far more importantly, Lord Alfred Hayes! My joy at seeing his scotch egg of a face knows no bounds. Joining them this evening is a blow-up doll and oh boy, I hope you liked the positive respect for women at Wrestlemania 1 because there is absolutely none of that here tonight.  The blonde does have name. Don't worry, it's not relevant. This pair of tits exists to point at pictures while smart people talk about the important things. It does an ample job as Vince and Alfred run down the brackets for the main thrust of this prestigious show, a tournament to decide the winner of... something? Exactly what the winner will win is never really made clear but you can be drat sure they will have earned the right to say they were on The Wrestling Classic. Now I'm not going to go over all the matches just yet but there is one highlight that immediately stands out: Ricky Steamboat vs. Davey Boy Smith. I might have been down on Steamboat from WM1 but I'm not going to judge a guy on one match. Davey I only know from his roided out Attitude Era days but he must have been good at one point to have any kind of rep. All in all, this is something I'm actually intrigued to see. Good start, show. We get to see some clips of the wrestlers selecting their opponents earlier in the day. Now this is always fun when they do this for the Royal Rumble but sadly this first attempt is somewhat lacklustre. The only thing of note is Steamboat describing Davey as a “fine young man”, bringing us our first great example of wrestling's unintentional homoeroticism.  Democracy fails us yet again Next it's off to present day Gene with WWF President Jack Tunney for a very important interview. It is here that Jack clarifies that in order to progress in this tournament a wrestler is going to need to win his match. Oh really? Oh really, Jack Tunney? I'm so glad you clarified that for us because I was worried one of the wrestlers was going to try to lose. I was concerned that one of them might just try to skip straight through to the semi finals. I was very anxious that one of them would just spend the night down at Hooters eating chicken wings then show up expecting to get into the final (I'm looking at you, Muraco). With this crucial rule cleared up we can head down to join Gino and Jesse, once again at ringside, once again in ridiculous outfits, and get this show on the road. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Corporal Kirchner Here we go with the first match in what is shaping up to be a match heavy card. I have a feeling many of these first round matches will not last long. This contest features two guys I've never heard of before. First there is Adrian Adonis who's name is also somewhat of a misnomer seeing as he looks less of a Greek god and more of a greasy old mechanic from New Jersey. But at least he doesn't look like a jobber with a gimmick that is blatantly ripping off Apocalypse Now. And yet somehow Kirchner is the face which means when Vince sat down to watch that movie and heard Colonel Kurtz he thought... no wait, that makes perfect sense.  Danny Zuko has really let himself go Meanwhile, it's early days but it's already time for... MOST INCORRECT CLAIRVOYANCY Gino: “This is the most prestigious tournament in the history of all professional wrestling” The match begins and we get an immediate... rest hold. How very prestigious. The action is exactly the plodding brawling that I was so disinterested in for Wrestlemania 1, all while Jimmy stands on the outside yelling into a megaphone and full credit to the guy, I might not give a poo poo about either of the wrestlers but Jimmy's doing a great job of being an annoying little turd. Kirchner goes for a suplex but Adonis drops it into a slick DDT for the win. Bad match, nice finish. Mean Gene grabs Adonis for a few words after the match and Adonis says that he wrote the book. Exactly which book he wrote is never explained but it's got to be better than Chyna's autobiography. The Dynamite Kid vs. Nikolai Volkoff Ah, this is a bit more like it. I remember Papa Lana, last time I saw him he became a Tag Team champion. I'm not sure if he still is one, he doesn't come out with the belt here and there's no mention of the tag titles anywhere on show so I guess he could be. But given what's about to happen, I'm going to go with no. As for Dynamite Kid, I'm not familiar at all but I think he's Davey's tag partner which I guess means he's from my neck of the woods. Of course, a proud patriot like Volkoff cannot allow the match to start without a rendition of his country's national anthem which is basically the same thing as pooping out Stalin's desecrated remains all over the Rosemont Centre. However, Dynamite Kid don't got time for that guff and just blasts Volkoff with a missile dropkick with an immediate pin to win the match. Truly, a quality happening! Oh boy, can you feel it? It's finally time. Time for me to meet one Randall Savage Esq.  It'shappening.gif Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Ivan Putski Savage is in the back with Mean Gene for a little interview before his first round match and he is tweaking the hell out. (Savage, I mean. Not Gene, that would be bizarre). Savage gives a fun, crazy promo about being ready and nervous and hyper and ready and nervous. It's delightful. The good first impression continues as Savage comes out to Land of Hope and Glory, an absolute belter of a song that really works with him. It's at this point that Jesse comes up with a strong contender for Most Offensive Comment of the Night by pointing out that “Elizabeth is in the background somewhere where she should be” which... ew. Don't worry, he's got more in the bag for later. You might notice that I'm not really talking much about Putski. That's because there's really nothing to say about him. He's a man so unmemorable even Jesse on commentary gets his name wrong. Anyway, the match is full of stalling with a very intense headlock and around here I start to get very confused. See, I can't work out if Savage is meant to be the face or the heel. He's got the inspirational ring music and the beloved valet and the entertaining promo and Putski is a total schlub but at the same time Savage is kind of working the heat segment. Though at the end of the day when he's selling like HBK against Hogan at Summerslam '05 things like face and heel alignments don't really matter. Savage steals the win with a rollup and his feet on the ropes. I STILL DON'T GET WHAT HE'S TRYING TO BE. In a short interlude Volkoff runs up to Vinnie Mac to protest his loss with screams of American Justice. I'm not really sure what Volkoff is intending to accomplish here. Just one look at the American penal system would show him how far that goes. ...Heh, penal.
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Jul 21, 2017 15:48
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Ricky Steamboat vs. Davey Boy Smith Ok, 1985. I'm listening. This turns out to be the first match on this retrospective that I would classify as good. The crowd is nuts for Steamboat, the moves are really crisp and technical, there's chain wrestling, there's some hefty power moves. Everything is flowing nicely when suddenly Daves whiffs a dropkick into the ropes and collapses to the mat. The ref comes over to check on him and only blooming goes and calls off the match! Rubbish! Steamboat goes to check on Davey after winning, which to be fair is a nice little touch. Ok, so in some ways I can see the sense in this. I'm now really hyped to see Steamboat and Davey go at it in a proper match and this ending allowed them to get out jail free but there's still better ways to make it happen without making Davey look like a slapstick idiot.  And after the wrestling, the anal sex! The Iron Shiek vs. The Junkyard Dog Before the match starts we head to the back to Mean Gene for an interview with the JYD. Unfortunately somewhere between New York and Chicago somebody stole all of JYD's cocaine because this is a bland forgettable promo. However, I do manage to find some joy as JYD's music sounds a lot like the Ghostbusters theme. Who you gonna call? The National Coalition Of Blacks for Reparations in America! Getting on into the match Shiek starts ripping into JYD and starts choking him out with his ring gear. That's got to be a DQ ref, surely? But sadly my modern day sensibilities are ignored and the match continues. It's around here that I start to get distracted and I end up missing most of the action because I'm trying to work out if JYD's trunks say “Trump” across his butt. Unfortunately the world is not that beautiful, it's actually “Thump”. There's a brutal headbutt miss from JYD that gets turned into a Camel Clutch but JYD doesn't tap. Shiek starts arguing with the ref giving JYD the chance to get his poo poo together. Shiek turns round into a headbutt and... that's it? Huh. Well, sure. Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Moondog Spot Oh. Oh dear. Friends, I don't even know where to start with this one. Do I begin with the fact that Terry Funk, a.k.a. Chainsaw Charlie, a.k.a. the Hardcore Legend, is dressed up like a Mexican cowboy? Do I begin with the sheer insanity of Moondog Spot, a man who looks like Bray Wyatt's granddad and acts like Eugene's granddad? Do I begin with Funk gobbing up a load of tobacco all over the camera? And why the gently caress is Spot carrying a bone?!  Messier than a prostitute's bedroom So sensing that he is hardly dealing with a Mensa level opponent here Funk tries to convince Spot to stay outside the ring while the ref starts a countout. It looks like Spot's going to buy it but then the two brain cells floating around his brain bump into each other and spark off some reasoning. Realising that his dastardly plan has failed Funk tosses Spot into the ring but then ends up being caught with the countout himself. Ahahahahaha. Boned. ...Oh god Funk is wearing assless chaps. Don Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji vs. Tito Santana Save me, Tito. So somewhere in the interim between six months ago and now Tito has knocked off Greg Valentine to become the new Intercontinental champion. I still don't understand why blowing off that major feud was so vital it had to be prevented from happening on their headline show. And speaking of Valentine, he is conspicuously absent from tonight's proceedings. I'd almost think he'd fallen victim to the Wellness Policy except one look at that gut tells you he's never been well. Luckily, Vince has found Tito a suitable replacement in Muraco, a fat saggy gently caress of a man accompanied to the ring by a racist Japanese caricature.  Rejected nicknames include “The Mediocre”, “The Mandatory” and “The Masochist” The match goes a little while and is just about meets the bar for what I'd describe as acceptable 80s wrestling. Jesse's heel commentary is a bit more obnoxious here than Wrestlemania, the needless aggression is tiresome. Tito's got the pace but Muraco's got power and Tito starts taking a beating. Muraco connects with a powerslam and pins Tito for the three count. But hang on! Tito's feet were on the ropes. The camera manages to completely miss this vital piece of info but the ref catches it and so while Muraco (and the viewer) are lost in confusion Tito rolls him up and picks up the win. So the bad guy gets screwed over and the good guy looks like he can't get the job done properly. I don't think I “get” 80s booking. Rarity fucked around with this message at 13:00 on Jul 23, 2017 |
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Jul 23, 2017 12:56
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Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Paul Orndorff Bobby is in the back with Mean Gene before the match to have a go at Orndorff. Of course, Orndorff was a heel back at Wrestlemania so clearly some major poo poo has gone down. Double of course, nobody seems to think it's worth mentioning. Anyway, Bobby has brought $50,000 with him and promises to give it to whoever beats Orndorff in the tournament. I'm starting to think that Bobby has issues making sound financial decisions. Perhaps he should see a financial adviser? Also, there's this: WORST HAIR  Lovely set of curls there, Bob Here's the really strange thing about this match. It turns out the crowd really cares about Orndorff. This is bizarre because this a man with very clearly zero charisma. The only exciting thing about him is he has a huge nose and... Well, I guess it worked for Triple H. This ends up being somewhat better than my minimal expectations. I'm even slightly excited for the ending sequence, which sees Orton lay Orndorff out with his cast after some shenanigans. Except he did it right in front of the ref like a proper plonker so Orndorff wins by DQ. So much for your chances of getting that NES, Randy! And then Randy's dad ends up with his rear end hanging out. There's a sight I really needed to see never. Let's move swiftly on to rejoin Vince and Alfred to check out the state of the bracket where- OH MY GOD ALFRED GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF HER!  This is fine. Everything here is fine. So while Lord Alfred Sex-Pest crosses the line of sexual molestation Vince runs through the quarter-finals and oooh, Steamboat/Savage is looking very tasty. However, I'm a little bit concerned that of the 8 wrestlers remaining every single one of them appears to be a face. I really don't think I “get” 80s booking. Once again Vince gets harassed by the losers who weren't good enough to get into the next round. This time it's Funk who shows up to flip out and yawn, whatever. Time to ramp up the excitement, it's the quarter-finals! Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Dynamite Kid Oh hey, I guess there is one heel left in the bracket. Though I think it says quite a lot about Adonis that I couldn't even remember him. The match goes at a fair clip with Jimmy buzzing around the outside and oh god, this is starting to get annoying. It's like those three weeks where they decided to give A.W. a live mic before he dropped a Kobe rape joke. Halfway through the match Jesse decides to just up and walk away FROM THE JOB HE GETS PAID TO DO to go give some tips to Savage for his upcoming match. Someone's set for a disciplinary meeting once this show's over. With Gino stranded alone on commentary Dynamite Kid gets a huge two count from a second rope knee drop, that was pretty slick. Dynamite Kid then answers my prayers by going for Jimmy but Adonis rolls him up from behind. Except Dynamite Kid kicks out, knocking Adonis into Jimmy and then Kid gets the win. Hurray! I've been won over, I'm a Dynamite Kid fan. He's buff as hell but he's got pace and agility and he's exciting to watch. Really hoping to see him vs. Steamboat in the semis. The Kid does look around 40 but we can't have everything, I suppose.  Adonis taking his loss like a champ Ricky Steamboat w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Randy Savage Aw, gently caress yeah. Before we can begin to proceedings we must head to the back where Gino announces “my colleague is with my other colleague”. Thanks for clearing that up, Gino. So it's Jesse who's with Mean Gene and he offers Savage some moral support while vowing to stay unbiased on, y'know, the job he's supposed to be doing right now. Mean Gene calls him out for taking sides while doing the job he's not currently doing. Jesse claims that two heads are better than one and that they've got three. Referring of course to Jesse, Savage and Savage's big throbbing hardon for Liz. Oh hey, Savage and Liz have done a wardrobe change. Hehe. Steamboat wants to start the match but Savage is running scared and hides behind Liz. I guess this means he is a heel after all. At least that clears that up. Steamboat is working a different style here, he's all about the strikes rather than the chain wrestling. It all still looks really pretty. There's a beautiful headscissors to the outside and- ooh, the ref is Earl Hebner! How's it going, Earl? Making bank off that Hogan merch? Steamboat goes for a back suplex but all of a sudden Savage has the brass knucks – the brass knucks! - and nails him when Earl's back is turned. I guess it's comforting to know that he's always been bad at his job. Savage obviously gets the victory while Gino blames Jesse for giving Savage the idea. Boo! Good match. Short but good. Junkyard Dog vs. Moondog Spot Moondog is in the back with Mean Gene for an interview. Mean Gene calls Moondog a winner and Gene, I love you but nothing could be further from the truth. Moondog proves my point by yelling incoherently and licking his bone. Ew. Mean Gene just doesn't have a clue and I am right there with him.  I'm not sure which man is more confused in this image JYD comes out to the ring and weirdly I'm kinda happy to see him? I guess in these tumultuous times I like the familiarity of a dude who appeared on the previous show. JYD takes Moondog out immediately and goes for the pin. There's no ref out so JYD counts the pin himself and for some reason this is... allowed? This is anarchy! Anarchy, I tells you! There's a quick interview here with Mean Gene and Bobby about the title match. Bobby thinks Hogan will lose because he is tired and drained. Bobby has reckoned without that wonderful medical assistance known as The Drugs. Tito Santana vs. Paul Orndorff Tito comes out with his leg all taped up as we prepare for a more serious face vs. face match. This may be relevant later. The chain wrestling starts off quite nice but Jesse is getting more and more obnoxious on commentary, insisting that Tito will turn bad for the money. Guys, I take it back. Can I get JBL in here please? And it's here that we get our... MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT OF THE NIGHT Jesse Ventura: “A taco salesman from Tijuana that can't be bought?” Jesus, Jesse! The pace of the match slows to a crawl as Orndorff starts working over Tito's bad leg. They spill to the outside where Tito takes a sick hit straight off the ringpost. Ouch! They keep on brawling and then the bell rings because whaddaya know, they've both got themselves counted out! Rubbish! The crowd rightfully shits all over this finish. ALFRED, NO!  Someone teach this man about consent Vince manages to get Alfred's dick under control long enough to go over the semi-finals. By which I mean, the semi-final. Because of course only wrestlers who win their match progress and both Tito and Orndorff lost so JYD gets a bye straight through to the final while Savage takes on Dynamite Kid. I figure at this point that Savage has got the tournament on lock.
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Jul 26, 2017 05:26
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WWF Title Match Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Hulk Hogan Don't you just hate it when you see the guy holding the main belt being buried in a match halfway down the card? I hope that one day a guy like Hogan gets the recognition he deserves. Rowdy Roddy is out first and dear god these bagpipes are going to get tiring if they come out every time. Hogan's still in the back with Mean Gene and guys, I think I found JYD's cocaine. It's all up Hogan's nose. Hogan is ready to bring Hulkamania crashing down all over Piper. I didn't think it was possible but Hogan looks even more jacked than he did at Wrestlemania. Jesus, people aren't supposed to bulge like that. The match is your generic simple 80s affair but with the crowd going mental for even the slightest move. There's rest holds a plenty with bear hugs and sleepers and then inevitably Hogan hulks up. Big boot, atomic drop, you know the drill. The ref takes a bump so Piper gets a chair out.  Sadly, Tug-of-Chair didn't last long as an Olympic sport Hogan manages to block it and gets Piper in a sleeper. Orton shows up and nails Hogan with the cast except the ref's awake and it's our second lovely, lovely DQ finish of the night. Godammit Bob, can't you do anything right? Piper and Orton keep on beating on Hogan but here's Orndorff! He comes out to make the save and chases the heels from the ring. Hogan and Orndorff pose for the crowd in celebration of this lacklustre title defence and all through this I'm just waiting for Teddy Long. Time for a tag team match, playa! But alas, it is not. Dynamite Kid vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth JYD is in the back with Mean Gene, taking it easy while his competitors face off. He mumbles his way through a generic promo that I don't understand at all then Jimmy Hart interrupts and starts yelling about underwear. I feel like at this point just about everybody has given up on the evening. Despite my initial excitement the match ends up being a lot of stalling. Ok, I know this is technically both men's third match of the night but it's not like they're really been working that hard. Am I expecting too much here? Anyway, Dynamite Kid hits a huge back body drop which looks really nice. Savage gets back in control and goes up top but Dynamite Kid catches him and hits a HUGE superplex. Except Savage manages to grab Kid by the legs and roll over for the win. Weird to see what is essentially a no-sell for a superplex but good to know that Savage can also win legit. Back to Vince who has thankfully sent Alfred away to parts unknown so the Tits can have a moment's respite. It's time to announce the big Rolls Royce giveaway! Vince suggests that perhaps the winner will take the Tits for a ride. JESUS!  She may be smiling but those eyes are dead inside The ring is now filled with Jack Tunney and a collection of corporate sponsors. Tunney thanks the crowd for letting the sweepstake happen. One of the sponsor nerds says the same thing. Another nerd says the same thing. The crowd is making GBS threads all over this and so they should. These guys make Alfred look like a good promo. And so Tunney is ready to announce the winner. Or as he calls it “Rolls Royce Winner Tournament”. And the car goes to Michael Hambley! The crowd couldn't give a single gently caress. You gotta love Chicago. Just time for one last interview from Mean Gene with Hogan and Orndorff. He's braved the men's locker room and given strict instructions that cameramen keep the shots above the waist. After all, “we got fellas getting out of the shower here”. Hehe. Hogan and Orndorff challenge Piper and Orton to a tag team match... on another show. Sure, as long as I don't have to watch it.  Note the appropriate camera level Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Junkyard Dog And so we come to our grand final. The end result of this most prestigious evening. And you know what, I really REALLY don't get 80s booking. The heel is coming into the match with an injury angle (the second of the night) while the face is the one who had a bye in the last round so is more rested. Where are the odds to be overcome? John Cena would not approve! SIGN OF THE NIGHT  Winner by virtue of being the only sign of the night There's tons of stalling in this one as well. Savage takes a chair and pushes it into the ring but JYD grabs it and just blasts himself in the head with it. That's not going to help you, JYD! Mean Gene then shows up to join the commentary team so he can get a good look at Liz. I'm so happy to see him I'm going to ignore the casual sexism. The booking continues to make no sense with JYD taking control and slowing the pace down. Savage gets the upper hand with a sneak attack and the commentators really need to stop using Pearl Harbour as a verb. I've lost count of how many times it's been said tonight. Jesse has a lovely slam on Mean Gene with “You've never done anything more athletic than tie your shoes and I notice you're wearing velcros.” Savage then grabs a chair and just smacks JYD across the back with it. The ref sees it and... nothing happens! What the hell? Where was this guy when Cowboy Bob was running around whacking everyone with a cast? Like, this is so dumb, I can't even. JYD then tips Savage out of the ring and wins by count-out. I can honestly say I didn't see that one coming.  A man that simply screams “prestigious” Jesse runs into the ring to protest, claiming that Savage wrestled three matches to JYD's two. It's actually four to three but hey, who's counting? Mean Gene describes this whole protest as just incredible. Back to Vince and Alfred for one last sign-off. And our last memory is Alfred proclaiming he's going to take the Tits for a ride. For gently caress sake. And that's a wrap for this extra little bonus of a PPV. The majority of the wrestling was terrible but at the same time it felt like there was a bit more to get excited about here than Wrestlemania I. There's a few wrestlers I'm interested in, there's a couple of prospective matchups I'd like to see and there was more character moments and more comedy. In the end what I'll remember The Wrestling Classic for is the rampant sexual objectification and that's not what you should be saying about a wrestling show. Three Kanes out of ten!  /10
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Jul 27, 2017 22:10
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Wrestlemania II: Three Times The Arenas, A Third of the Fun What I Think I Know
 It's 1986, little Rarity is just a baby in her mother's arms and across the Atlantic the WWF are settling in for Wrestlemania II: Electric Boogaloo. The show starts with the quickest of intros ad we're straight in there at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum as Vince welcomes us to the greatest extravaganza since the last one. There's just time for a quick introduction of his broadcast colleague Susan St. James before heading into this year's rendition of America The Beautiful, as sung by Ray Charles. What follows is the most ridiculous, unnecessary, jingoistic sequence that you can imagine. Ray sings across a soft-fade montage of landscape shots, important landmarks, The Troops and great American heroes like George Washington and Martin Luther King all ending on a still photo of Hulk Hogan, the greatest American hero of all. It sure was something when Hogan single-handedly beat the Redcoats by dropping the leg across Boston, brother! At least Ray won't ever see the travesty he's involved with.  In 1969 Hogan jumped off the top rope and landed on the moon, brother! While Vince is over on the East Coast, Mean Gene is with wrestling's favourite set of fans in the Rosemont Verizon Centre in Chicago where we will be getting an old-fashioned 20-man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal. Got to get everyone on the roster their Wrestlemania payday after all! Back in New York, Rowdy Roddy Piper is all set for a boxing match against Mr. T, a concept I already wish I'd never heard about. Not only does Vince want to use Wrestlemania to showcase non-wrestlers, now he wants to do it by having them in non-wrestling matches. But I'll save my vitriol for this gimmick for later because this promo is incredibly entertaining. Piper says that he made sure to grow his hair long so that nobody would confuse him with Mr. T. He then promises that if he loses this match not only will he retire from wrestling but also from tiddlywinks and dating girls. (Piper was, of course, a renowned tiddlywinks competitor having won the World Championships in 1978). And then Piper comes out with a line so flat out off the wall insane he manages to win two of my awards at once. MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION and... MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT Rowdy Roddy Piper: “Never will I shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black”  For gently caress sake, Roddy Don Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji vs. Paul Orndorff Oh geez, poor Paul. Just a year ago he was hanging about with Hogan and Piper and Heenan, trading war stories with Cowboy Bob, and look how the mighty have fallen. From top of the mountain to curtain-jerking in the space of one year. Even being a jobber in the Battle Royal would be better than this. The match gets underway and things start to get awkward as they decide to run voice clips from promos over the beginning of the match. Muraco calls Orndorff “the embarrassment of Wrestlemania I”. Presumably the mediocrity of the Wrestling Classic didn't have the same ring to it. With the promos over we can join the commentary team who for a while appears to be just Vince but then it turns out Susan St. James has joined him. Now, I have no idea who Susan may be but I've never heard of her before and I don't think she's got any connections to professional wrestling. What exactly are her credentials that qualify her for an important job on the biggest WWF show of the year? I mean, this is a woman who describes an armbar from Orndorff as an “ancient Chinese technique”. I'm not sure myself but I imagine Vince will be taking an close look at those  The Armbar: invented by Sun Tzu in 513 BC Vince does a decent job of covering for Susan's inexperience though. In one lovely moment he buries his own heel by pointing out that Muraco is “sweating profusely”. The match itself is short and boring until both men spill to the outside and the bell promptly rings. Vince and Susan are very confused, the wrestlers are very confused, even the referee looks very confused. While the officials scramble to work out what the gently caress just happened the fans start the “Bullshit!” chants, making their official WWF debut. The whole thing is so poorly organised, it's a catastrophe. This clusterfuck keeps on going for like 2 minutes so they just decide to cut to a Mr. T promo to fill space. Mr. T is in the back with his trainer Joe Frazier and a little person who I'm shocked to report is not made fun of once during this broadcast. Mr. T is all hot and excited and ready to start doing some “dirty stuff”. Hehehe. There's a lot more to this interview but I can't hear any of it because the sound of Finkel announcing the result of the first match plays over the top. Of course, because Mr. T is talking I can't hear that either. Now say what you want about Kevin Dunn and his buck-toothed rear end in a top hat opinions, at least these days WWE can fulfil all the basic essentials of event TV production. What happens here is an unprofessional disaster. To this day I still have no idea what the result of this match was. Hang on, where's Wikipedia? It was a double countout. loving useless. Intercontinental Title Match George “The Animal” Steele vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth Luckily, that absolute abortion of an opener is followed by one of the four guys I'm interested in at this juncture so hopefully this can wash the bad taste out of my eyes. Susan is very excited at the prospect of seeing Savage take a beating. She doesn't like Savage because of the horrible way he treats Elizabeth. Not that this bad behaviour has been evident on either of his PPV appearances so far. There's a short picture-in-picture promo of Savage promising some Macho Madness tonight. That's one way of describing what's about to happen. As for Steele, we're notified that he's got feelings for Elizabeth and- OH DEAR GOD STEELE'S BACK  Ewwwwww. What the gently caress is that? It's like A-Train had sex with a yeti. The match starts with a crazy amount of stalling until Steele catches up to Savage and starts biting his foot. Ew, gross. Steele keeps letting Savage take control because he wants to talk to Elizabeth. Susan's commentary is so vapid, mostly consisting of cheering for Steele and calling Savage a bad, bad man. If this is the best that women can do when given a live mic then perhaps 80s sexism was right, jesus. Susan's got no idea why Elizabeth would rather be with a guy like Savage than a guy like Steele. Gee, I've got no idea, perhaps it's something to do with the hairless back and understanding of basic human etiquette? Savage pulls a bouquet of flowers from out of his rear end (not literally) and slaps Steele across the face with it. Poor Savage. Decent ability, decent potential, popular with the crowd and the best he can get is a low-card comedy match. Oh loving hell, Steele starts eating the turnbuckle. This is so bad. Steele tears the stuffing out of the turnbuckle and starts feeding it to Savage. This is so so bad. Savage pulls out a Flying Elbow Drop but Steele manages to kick out! So Savage just trips Steele up and gets his feet on the ropes to win. Thank Christ. After the match Steele starts eating another turnbuckle while tears fall from his eyes like me with a tub of ice cream on prom night. Two matches down and this show is a trainwreck.
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Jul 30, 2017 08:06
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Junpei Hyde posted:Early wrestlemanias seems kinda dire for the most part, godspeed. I seem to be cracking through it a fair clip so I think I'll be all right  Gaz-L posted:Early WWE Savage is kind of in that Shawn Michaels/Ric Flair "He's a heel, but he's so flashy and entertaining he gets cheered anyway" mode. This makes sense. He's the only guy so far apart from Hogan who's exuded a real top star aura. Maxwell Lord posted:The Wrestling Classic, along with Mania 2, really expose that WWF's roster was a bit thin on actual talent, which was one reason so many NWA fans and people used to seeing guys like Flair, Anderson, etc. resented them taking over. Like they had some VERY good wrestlers, Steamboat, Savage, etc., but for every one of them there's like 3 Uncle Elmers or JYDs, who have a nice audience-appealing gimmick but can't really work a match. Considering the WWF aren't even really letting their real talent off the leash yet I'm guessing in-ring ability was far down their list of priorities in the 80s. Bankok posted:To date myself, I remember when Savage arrived in the WWF he came in as a big deal and the angle was that all the managers were trying to sign him to their stable. Blassie, Heenan, Fuji, Hart and I'm sure there were others that I can't remember. This is on the start of the OSWReview for TWC. It was a really good angle, it instantly sold Savage as someone to look out for.
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Jul 30, 2017 09:20
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rare Magic card l00k posted:How dare you insult Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, a man who rules. More like Mr Woeful  Jerusalem posted:Bobby will always hate Hogan, Corey will always hate The Drifter, and Jesse would always hate Tito Santana v As much as I know it was acceptable at the time, I find the poo poo that Jesse gives Tito really distasteful and it does sour me on him just a touch. DukeofCA posted:I enjoy reading your reactions to these old shows, but if it takes you four to five days to finish one event you're gonna be here for a long time. Life's about the journey, my friend. Gavok posted:Wrestlemania WAS the major poo poo that went down. I realise it's been 6 months since the first thread but I don't remember anything going on WM1 that involved Orndorff turning face. I might just be having a brain fart though.
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Jul 30, 2017 20:07
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Davros1 posted:I miss the Coliseum Video music and vignettes. I have no idea what these are, could you explain? Jerusalem posted:JYD winning by count-out after taking a chairshot.... what a bizarre ending to the tournament. The whole show seemed designed to put Savage over huge and then it just... didn't. I know JYD is meant to have a pretty big fanbase at this point but the finish wouldn't even get them excited. Maxwell Lord posted:Wrestlemania I was crude in some ways, but considering how well things needed to go for such an event in order for the whole gamble to work, they got pretty lucky. I feel like WM 2 is some sort of weird karmic payback. All sorts of poo poo goes wrong. Ray Charles' rendition of America the Beautiful is actually hard to hear properly, they screw up announcing the finish of the first match, this thing just instantly falls apart. I really can't stress how diabolical the production values of this show are. These are the most basic foundations for running a wrestling federation and they're just not getting it. Gavok posted:She's considered to be only the second worst celebrity PPV commentator. Sadly, I don't think you'll reach far enough to get to #1. Pretty sure I already disagree with this, I'll get into it soon enough.
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Jul 30, 2017 21:04
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Davros1 posted:Watch the opening minutes to these: I made it right up to the point where the first video went into a Star Wars crawl 
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Jul 30, 2017 22:05
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C. Everett Koop posted:I see Rarity has only now watched her first George Steele match. Oh for gently caress sa... Gavok posted:Luckily, I'm pretty sure that was George Steele's only PPV match ever, so Rarity is in the clear. Yessssssssssssss
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Jul 31, 2017 04:47
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Over in Chicago Mean Gene is chilling with Big John Studd and... offensive guard for the Atlanta Falcons, Bill Fralic? While Fralic might seem like a bizarre addition to tonight's proceedings it turns out a whole bunch of NFL players have been included in the Battle Royal. It's like the show is purposefully trying to sap any interest I manage to find. Fralic and Studd start to get mad so Mean Gene asks for “a little decorum”. Hee! Studd grabs a football and squashes it like a lemon. I guess we're setting up Fralic vs. Studd as the big story for the match. (Spoiler: we're not). Continuing to rack up the air miles we return to New York where Vince and Susan have found a couple of seats away from the action and pair of giant microphones. The entire headset is very distracting and makes Vince look hilariously goofy. Vince asks Susan is she's got a fear of snakes and oh boy... could it be... It is! It's Jake the Snake! Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. George Wells quote:INTRODUCING... Jake makes a really good first impression. He's presented as a big deal and Vince and Susan keep on hyping up the snake, although that mullet is goddam ugly and he could really do with some entrance music. Wells is also better than I expected for a guy who I assume is just a random jobber. He gets in a lovely headscissors and some more offence that Jake sells like a champ. Jake is throwing himself around the ring like Ziggler, which I always appreciate. Jake manages to spike Wells with the DDT and you know what? It really does look as brutal as everyone always told me. Jake wins. Of course this means that Damien gets to come out to play. Susan starts shrieking on commentary even though we've already seen she's miles away from the ring. Jake wraps Damien around Wells's neck and to be honest, this doesn't really seem like a big deal. It looks more like Damien is giving Wells a hug than anything else. That is until Wells starts gagging up a whole load of spit and we get a proper look at Damien. gently caress me, that's a huge snake. All in all this a very short introduction to Jake Roberts but he leaves a positive first impression. In a world of mostly bland and featureless characters he definitely stands out.  Damien: The World's Friendliest Snake Next there's a short video clip of what brought Piper and Mr. T to the dance (TM. Jim Ross), which involved a double team attack from Piper and Orton. These two are starting to get right on my tits. I'm not even sure why but I think that means they're good at being dickish heels. However, we can't forget that this extravaganza is a three arena affair so time for our first visit to Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena where Jesse Ventura is with Hulk Hogan and seriously, what the gently caress is Jesse wearing this time? Look at this poo poo.  Cleopatra, comin' atcha! Has someone stolen all of the mirrors from Jesse's house? Or is Jesse actually a vampire and unable to see his reflection? There has to be an explanation for how something like this happens. It turns out that Hogan vs. Bundy is a cage match which adds a nice little element of danger to the affair. Hogan says that a lot of dudes around here go down awful quick so Jesse retorts that good guys don't always finish first. Can these two just screw and get it over with? Boxing Match Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T Back in New York it's time for our main event. Or at least, our first main event. This show has quite a lot of them. And that means it's time for... yep, you guessed it, time for celebrities! First up Finkel introduces our guest ring announcer, Joan Rivers, who in turn introduces our guest judges. Now I realise that when this first aired I was 1 year old and across an ocean but I imagine that even if I hadn't been I wouldn't know who these people are. First up is Darryl Dawkins, a local basketball player. Next is “showbusiness legend” Cab Calloway and finally someone from Watergate called G. Gordon Liddy. None of these people have any qualifications to judge a boxing match. Although as it turns out they will not do a single thing during the match and so this entire segment is irrelevant. ...I just checked up Liddy on Wikipedia and he's one of the main perpetrators of Watergate. And now he's in a WWF ring getting a hero's welcome. For gently caress sake, Vince. Oh yeah, there's also a guest timekeeper called Herb and I just googled him and all and he's a guy from a Burger King ad campaign. We are really scraping the bottom of the loving barrel here. That's it for the celebrities, we can crack on with the action now. So here's my problem with this match. I can't stand boxing. It's not visually interesting and most of the time involves the two combatants hugging each other really tight. There's also not much going on to it apart from 'he punched the other guy, now the other guy punched him'. I mean, there's a reason nobody liked Brawl For All. However, I will try to persevere. The first round is dull, not much happens. In the round break Piper and Mr. T refuse to break up and everyone jumps in to pull them apart. I should mention here that Cowboy Bob Orton is in Piper's corner, once again being denied a match on the main card. Round 2 is a bit more lively. Piper is on top for most of the round and knocks Mr. T down with a minute left on the clock. Mr. T gets up but gets knocked down again at the end of the round. It's all getting a bit Chumbawumba around here. During this break Piper grabs a bottle of water and empties it on Mr. T. What is Piper hoping to achieve here? Does he think that Mr. T is the Wicked Witch of the West? Round 3 is the same but in reverse with Mr. T getting Piper down for a couple of knockouts. Fair play to Mr. T, his punches are looking stiff as gently caress and both guys are starting to forget their defensive fundamentals. At the next break both men are one more knockout away from winning.  This girl gets a huge pop from the crowd. I can't imagine why. Piper kicks off the next round by picking up his stool and just lobbing it at Mr. T. Ow! The ref just looks at this and goes 'eh, whatever' so the match continues. This is where things start to go a bit insane with both men swinging their arms around like crazy. Piper pushes the ref down to the mat and then picks up Mr. T into a body slam. Unfortunately WWF hadn't invented ref bumps yet so the ref calls for the match and everybody runs into the ring for another clusterfuck. And so your first main event ends in a win for Mr. T by... DQ. This was simultaneously kind of fun and also a huge waste of time. Rarity fucked around with this message at 21:46 on Jul 31, 2017 |
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Jul 31, 2017 21:44
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Platypus Farm posted:Lord Alfred would just stand there smiling stupidly and knowing that he had the biggest penis in the entire world. Oh for gently caress sake.
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Aug 1, 2017 20:30
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And so ends the New York portion of this evening's festivities. Off now to Chicago where Mean Gene has been joined by Gorilla Monsoon. Gino hypes up the upcoming main event, as opposed to the main event we just saw, and then introduces his partner on co-commentary, famous actress Cathy Lee Crosby. With excitement Cathy says that she's never been to a wrestling match before. This does not bode well for her commentary. Women's Title Match Velvet McIntyre vs. The Fabulous Moolah So the Chicago portion of the match begins and I must say, it's nice that we have at least left the blatant sexism of the Wrestling Classic behind. Good to know that that's never coming back! Both of these women look like they're in their 50s and wrestle like they're in their 80s. Cathy says that she's never seen anything like this before in her life, a fact for which she should be eternally grateful. Velvet is wrestling in bare feet which is always a weird look to me. She goes for a splash off the second rope but Moolah rolls out of the way and that's enough for the pin. I know WWE got a lot of poo poo for their piss break Diva matches a few years ago but this was even worse. It didn't even run for 90 seconds and yes, I did time it. The crowd is super mad at Moolah cause Velvet had her feet under the ropes but you could be forgiven for not noticing because nobody ever mentions it. Flag Match Nikolai Volkoff w/ Classy Freddie Blassie vs. Corporal Kirchner Now when I saw Kirchner at the Wrestling Classic I assumed the guy was just a one off gimmick jobber but no! Here he is in what sorta seems like a high profile match. I don't know, maybe I'm overestimating how much of a big deal Volkoff was at the time but I imagine the guy with the evil Soviet gimmick woulda been a pretty big deal.  Look at my crazy passport! So Volkoff starts doing his anthem shtick but he's interrupted by Kirchner's music and holy hell, Kirchner is so over with the crowd. By which I mean America is so over with the crowd. The match is a short one with simple action that quickly comes to an end when the ref goes down and Blassie throws his cane into the ring. Except Kirchner catches it and takes out Volkoff for the win! It's a victory that proves it's ok for America to cheat as long as the other guy did it first. Hurray, patriotism! And so after two undercard matches than ran for 3.5 minutes total we come to our Chicago main event. Boy, did these fans get screwed. But before we can jump into the action we've got another cavalcade of celebrities to get through. I'm not going to even bother naming these any more unless someone genuinely famous shows up.  I have this picture of an old lady included in my screencaps and for life of me, I can't remember why. 20-Man Battle Royale Featuring Bruno Sammartino, Big John Studd, The Iron Shiek, Tony Atlas, Hillbilly Jim, A Dude in a Hawaiian Shirt, A Tag Team Who's Gimmick Is Bees, BRET loving HART, His Buddy the Anvil, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, A Bunch of Jobbers I'm Not Going To Bother With and Andre the Giant quote:INTRODUCING... There's no way I'm going to go over most of the action from this. There is a ridiculous amount of meat in the ring and I really hope they've reinforced that thing because as Gino says there's 5612lbs of human in there. It turns out Cathy is a better commentator than Susan to the extent that she actually manages to put over how impressive these wrestlers are. A whole bunch of worthless jobbers get thrown out of the ring and then Shiek goes on a tear, tossing out three guys in a matter of seconds. This momentum fizzles out when Sammartino dumps him over.  That's a whole lotta men in there This leaves us with seven: Studd, the Refrigerator, Sammartino, another NFL dude, the Hart Foundation and Andre. The other NFL dude goes after Andre which... just no. Not a chance. Studd gets Sammartino out while the Refrigerator almost knocks out the Harts with a flying tackle. He tries the same on Studd but Studd fakes him out and pushes him out. Of course, being a local hero the Refrigerator beckons Studd over for a handshake and then just pulls Studd out of the match. Truly the noble actions of a good man! The Harts dump out the last football guy meaning that it's now just them and Andre. Now considering I wasn't even expecting to see Bret and I spent the whole match rooting for him seeing it come down to this final three is exciting times. The Harts start double teaming Andre but the two men look like tiny ants compared to Andre and he shrugs them off. Andre hits Niedhart with a big boot and Niedhart sells it by jumping halfway across the ring and over the top rope. It's hilarious. Bret jumps up to the top rope but Andre grabs him and throws him out on top of Niedhart. Andre remains undefeated in Battle Royals because who the hell is going to lift him over the top rope? It might have just been my hype for surprise Bret but I ended up being quite into this. The wrestling might be over in New York but Vince and Susan are still kicking back in the arena and they've got Piper hanging out with them. Piper is very upset about Mr. T's cheating by refusing to shave his face, saying that his promise to retire from wrestling, competitive tiddlywinks and life itself is null and void. Susan calls that a whole load of “blarney”. Hee! Piper also claims that dropping Mr. T on his head doesn't do a whole lot of damage. More hee!
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Aug 2, 2017 22:46
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Platypus Farm posted:We could probably convince her to watch it if lord alfred hayes was ever in WCW Not even Lord Bigdick himself could get me to watch a WCW PPV
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Aug 3, 2017 07:01
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Time to dash back to Chicago once more (keep up, now) where Mean Gene is interviewing some of the losers from the Battle Royal. Shiek shows up and just spouts a whole lot of gibberish. And even though we just had the main event in Chicago we're going to have another one! Shiek and Mean Gene then compete in a finger raising competition Tag Team Title Match The British Bulldogs w/ Captain Lou Albano vs. Greg Hammer and Brutus Beefcake w/ Luscious Johnny Valiant Ok, this is cool. I really liked what I saw of the Bulldogs at the Wrestling Classic and now here they are challenging for the belts. I'm already invested in this one. Johnny's made an effort for this year's Wrestlemania with a very shiny red suit jacket. That thing is so bright you could use it to land airplanes. Meanwhile the Bulldogs come out to Rule Brittania and for some reason Ozzy Osbourne is just chilling out with them. He's not even going to have some kind of relevance to the match, it's like he just bought a ticket to the show and then figured it would be fun to party backstage. Albano Update: still gross. The match kicks into gear and I'm well into it. Davey impresses by lifting Brutus up into a press slam followed by a lovely fisherman suplex. Brutus is a big guy and Davey is just flinging him around with ease. Over on commentary Cathy namedrops Gorgeous George to earn some street cred. She's ended up being all right, all things considered. Certainly the best of the three celebrity commentators we'll meet tonight. Oh, and before I forget here's my next award: WORST HAIR  Such a beautiful wom... Oh. Oh no. Greg hits a HUGE piledriver which I can't believe isn't good for the win. This is proper good, so it is. Running powerslam from Davey but it doesn't do the job either. Brutus does this one move I've not ever seen which is like a hammerlock slam, it's brutal as hell. Gino says that Brutus “dropped him just like a bad habit.” From my knowledge Brutus wasn't very good at dropping bad habits, Gino. Greg gets in a shoulder breaker on Davey but chooses to break the pin at two. Davey pushes Greg into the Dynamite Kid and that'll do it! New champs! Best match I've seen so far, easy. The ringwork was quality, it went a decent length of time and there were important stakes. It's really good to see the Bulldogs get suitable recognition.  Lou Albano was very pleased with his new tag champions Mean Gene does a quick interview with Ozzy and Cathy after the match. Ozzy is chomping away on gum and gurning like a motherfucker. The man must have done so much cocaine, I don't even know. Mean Gene also tries to interview the Bulldogs but they are way too gassed. Fret not, friends. Our travels are nearly over as we settle down in Los Angeles for the final segment of tonight's events. Jesse welcomes us to the party where he is with – and it's about drat time – Lord Alfred Hayes! And a vampire. Wait, sorry. This lady is actually Elvira, the last and worst in our string of celebrity commentators who don't know poo poo. According to Wikipedia Elvira was a host for a horror anthology show so you'd think she would fit right in to the colourful cartoon world of wrestling but dear god, this woman is abysmal. She's got a beehive bigger than Amy Winehouse and is wearing a dress with a neckline that I swear goes all the way down to her clit. Anyway, Jesse says that they make a great pair (referring to himself and Alfred as the commentary team) and Elvira points straight at her tits. Jesus! Ricky Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez We kick off this run of matches with our good friend the Steamer as he goes up against a very generic fightman by the name of Hercules. And that name is the only interesting thing about this dude. Immediately there is one major problem with this match and that is that the arena is almost completely deserted. A quick google tells me that at the time this arena had a seating capacity of over 15000 people. As far as I can tell there's more like 150 here. Everything about this match is awkward as hell. Steamboat and Hercules don't have much in the way of chemistry so even the basics aren't going as they should be. On commentary Alfred mistakes a chop for a clothesline while Elvira spends the entire match silent because she clearly doesn't know what to say. And while the production values have been shoddy all night the camera work in this match especially is just atrocious. They constantly cut to closeups shot from ringside except every single time the ref is standing right in the way of the action. gently caress if I know what's going on. And now it's time for a new feature of these reviews which I like to call: HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE NIGHT Jesse Ventura: “He's got him down on the mat, he's got to get nasty with him here”  Steamboat also takes a short power nap on the turnbuckle Just as things look like they're about to pick up Steamboat gets a Flying Crossbody and the match is over. Another underwhelming match from Steamboat but I don't really feel like this was his fault. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Uncle Elmer Speaking of poor production values, it looks like all the cameras break for a short while because we end up stuck on a very long poo poo of the ring as we lead into the next match. Things do sort themselves out and- Oh loving hell. What the gently caress is that?  Seriously. Ok, who the hell did Adonis piss off to get lumped with this gimmick? So we've got Adonis prancing around in a pink floral dress and then Uncle Elmer walks out. He's a big fat hayseed gently caress of a man and he comes out to an incredibly annoying three second loop of banjo music and when he gets to the ring THE MUSIC DOESN'T STOP. Jimmy attacks Elmer with a perfume spritzer so Elmer chases him all around the ring and all the while the loving banjo music is still going. I feel like I'm watching Benny Hill, jesus. At last the match proper begins and someone in the back finally manages to find the stop button on the cassette deck because the banjo music disappears. Elmer punches Adonis so hard he falls on his own butt. The amount of overselling from Adonis is hysterical. Every time he gets hit he launches himself to the other side of the ring. Adonis tries to escape but Elmer grabs him and then THE DRESS COMES OFF! This match is so so horrible but I'm laughing my rear end off all the same. Adonis comes off the top rope with a half-splash, half-elbow drop and... wins? The guy with the jobber entrance wins? I'm so confused, everything I knew about wrestling is in doubt. Up is down, cats are dogs, X-Pac is over. Alfred is with Hogan for his second promo of the evening, which I think is a bit much. Hogan tells Alfred that he knows “something awful”. We're famous, guys!
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Aug 4, 2017 14:31
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Davros1 posted:Ozzy is British, which is why he's ringside for the Bulldogs match. I'm British too, doesnt mean I get to chill at ringside with Jack Gallagher
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Aug 5, 2017 17:40
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The Funk Brothers w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana Next up we have a trio of familiar faces plus Terry Funk's younger brother, Hoss. Yes, the big roidy hoss is called Hoss. I can't wait to see the next big WWF star, Tiny Flyman! The match begins with JYD taking out the Funks with a series of body slams. Somewhere in the country a young Ezekiel Jackson watches the screen in awe. What's immediately noticeable about this match is that Jimmy is feeling a lot more excitable than his previous appearance. He does not stop yelling for as much as a second and he makes it really hard to hear the commentary team. It's just an appalling display of audio mixing. Jimmy keeps on getting involved with his traditional slimy antics to Elvira's total disgust. From the way she reacts to everything tonight I get the feeling that nobody has told Elvira that wrestling is fake. I get the need to protect kayfabe but seriously, you gotta let your commentators in on the secret. Tito and Terry trade suplexes while Elvira worries about their trunks breaking off. Alfred suggests that if their trunks break off then Elvira will get a real show which she gets very excited about. Come on, Elvira. It's not cool for Lawler and it's not cool for you. Elvira keeps on cheering for JYD and Tito so Jesse tells her that she's not allowed to be biased. Little hypocritical, methinks. I hate to keep on harping about Elvira but she's just terrible. The Funks take control of Tito until he manages to get the hot tag to a decent pop. JYD sends Terry flying right over the top rope with a back body drop onto the concrete. Ouch! The action spills to the outside where Terry gets a body slam onto the timekeeper's table! It's all getting a bit E-C-Dub around here. He recovers and gets the megaphone while the ref's back is turned to nail JYD and get the win. Terry Funk looks like a complete wreck after the match and I'm not surprised. That is one crazy son of a bitch. While the ring crew come out to build the cage for the main event we get a little recap package. In the recap Bundy absolutely destroys Hogan with a series of body splashes, squishing him up like a lemon. Then there's an interview with Mean Gene from Hogan's rehab gym. Unfortunately, Mean Gene fails to ask the most pressing question on my lips which is why is Hillbilly Jim just hanging out in Hogan's gym? Everyone's doing a pretty decent job of selling the extent of Hogan's injuries, it's not like nowadays when someone just comes out with a bit of tape round their shoulder and you know they're faking (hi, Tozawa!). Hogan hangs a dumbbell from his shoulders and starts doing chinups with a manic look in his eye. I'm starting to think he might be legit insane.  Every time I look at this picture I get very disturbed. Guess why. Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy join Jesse for a quick interview. Jesse has concerns about this cage match being a risk to Bundy's beautiful face but I don't think he needs to worry. Bundy already looks like a penis. Heenan says that it's time to get wild for Bundymania. Yeah, I don't think that's got such a ring to it, really. Just time to go back to New York for a last venue change of the night where Vince and Susan talk up Hogan's chances. They're sat up in the rafters of the arena and it's clear that everyone else has abandoned them to start the after party. Will the last one out of the building please turn out the lights? WWF Title Cage Match King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Hulk Hogan There's more celebrities before we start but I'm done, I'm officially checked out of the celebrity game. Bundy makes his way out next and we get our first good look at the teeny-tiny cage. That thing is barely taller than the turnbuckles. I have a feeling that this stip heavily favours Hogan because it's not like Bundy is going to be climbing over anything and it looks like he can't even fit through the little door. Hogan's out next to a huge ovation while he chews on the end of his bandana like a demon. That is a man who is fighting a serious gurn. Hogan starts out with a burst of fire but the match quickly descends into a slow, plodding brawl. Bundy ends up in control and starts tearing off the bandages around Hogan's injured ribs. Elvira thinks that he's tearing off a belt. For gently caress sake, woman. Not being a fan of wrestling and not understanding its language I can understand but all we're looking for here is being able to use your eyes correctly. She is awful. Just awful.  Bundy tries to save Hogan from strangulation by a small white snake Hogan starts to gain some momentum and sends Bundy flying into the cage leading to our first bladejob of this retrospective. It's very strange seeing that much emphasis being put on one simple hit off the cage but it certainly works. Hogan tries to lift up Bundy for a body slam but his ribs give out and Bundy just crushes him. Elvira and Jesse get into a tiff on commentary and Elvira asks him if he's jealous because he doesn't have a cartoon show. Just awful. We're building up to the finish now as Bundy hits Hogan with the Avalanche, a body splash and another Avalanche but uh oh, it's Hulk up time! Hogan does his thing then tries the body slam again and gets it followed by the Leg Drop. That's enough to leave Bundy on the mat while Hogan climbs out of the cage to retain the title. Hogan chases Heenan all around the ring and into the cage. At this point the referees decide it's totally cool to just lock the door on them, leaving Heenan to be assaulted by Hogan. Cheer for your good guy while he commits a felony, America! Bundy's face is covered in blood, Hogan stands tall and the commentary team proclaim it the match of the decade (god I hope not) as we come to a close. I suppose this one did end up being better than I expected but not by much. And that is Wrestlemania II done and dusted and oh my god, it was so bad. And this is putting aside the action in the ring or the booking choices. Just from a basic production standpoint this was an absolute shambles. The way this show was presented made WWF look like a rookie promotion and the choice of using non-industry commentators was a giant wet fart. Beyond that there were some horrible matches and some truly diabolical attempts at comedy. The only things this show has going for it are the Tag Team Title match, Bret Hart's PPV debut and a couple of bumps from Terry Funk. Those are the only things saving it from the lowest possible rating. Two Kanes!  /10
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Aug 5, 2017 21:33
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Wrestlemania III: The Assassination of Andre the Giant by the Coward Hulk Hogan What I Think I Know
 It's spring 1987, little Rarity is running around her living room in nappies and across the Atlantic the WWF are gearing up for the third run at their annual extravaganza, Wrestlemania III. We are live from the Pontiac Silverdome and right off the bat the show conveys a sense of scale never seen before from a wrestling show. It's like looking at a sea of people and to steal a phrase from Mean Gene the atmosphere is electric. This instantly feels like the biggest show the WWF have ever run, it's total spectacle.  The view from the top row must have sucked, to be fair We're welcomed by Vince McMahon before leading straight into this year's rendition of America the Beautiful as sung by Aretha Franklin. Sidenote: every time I ever talk about this woman I want to call her Urethra Franklin. It's an issue. This is a much better version of the song than last year's attempt. Aretha's got a great voice and while they do end up going for the montage it's a lot more restrained in its patriotic drum-banging. Up in the commentary box our broadcast team is our old friends, Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura. They're with... ugh, celebrities and I'll get to them in a moment but first it's time for a new segment that I like to call...  I swear, every time I see Jesse he just looks more and more ridiculous. To celebrate tonight's occasion he has decided to break out something a bit classy, a snakeskin leather tracksuit which he has accessorised with a do-rag and gigantic square earrings. He looks like a gay Italian gangster. Where does he find all this stuff? It's like he's done a Supermarket Sweep through a charity shop.  I've got a dress that looks exactly like that. With that insanity well and truly covered we can turn our focus to this show's celebrities de jeur. They are the host of Entertainment Tonight, Mary Hart, and retired baseball star, Bob Uecker. I suppose they're a step above Herb. The Can-Am Connection vs. Don Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton w/ Mr. Fuji Wow, the last year has not been kind to Cowboy Bob. Here is a dude that is starting to develop a serious case of saggy chin. As for Muraco it seems like he's spent the last 365 days pounding the 'roids because he's looking even bulgier than ever. They're set to take on the Can-Am Connection who are making their PPV debut and one of these guys is Rick Martel. Unfortunately, the only thing I remember about Rick Martel is that there was once a dude called Rick Martel. However, I have a feeling he's going to be one to watch out for as we progress through the timeline. The match begins and one problem of holding Wrestlemania in such a large stadium soon becomes apparent. Due to the crowd setup the hard-cam is way, way back from the ring meaning a lot of the action is filmed from really awkward long shots. Not only does it feel awkward, it makes the viewer feel really disconnected from the action in the ring.  I have no idea what's going on in this shot Production issues aside, the match goes by at a fair clip. The Can-Am Connection make a very good first impression. Both Martel and his partner, Tom Zenk, work at a fast pace and show off good technique. There's a beautiful double monkey-flip from the boys on Muraco. Things break down from there with all men in the ring and Muraco ends up hitting a back body drop on Orton. One of Can-Am gets in a crossbody on Muraco and that's all she wrote. It takes me two minutes to work out it was Zenk because they both look exactly the same. Come on boys, even the Usos are easier to tell apart. The match was short but it was fun for the time it got. Martel and Zenk have already won me over and I want to see them again in a bigger showcase. However, at this juncture there's a more important issue that needs to be addressed. What the hell is the point of Mr. Fuji? Ok, so I've seen Fuji across four separate shows now and so far he has been absolutely worthless as a manager. All he does in every match is stand there. You've got guys like Jimmy Hart who runs around the ring like the most annoying yappy chihuahua and Bobby Heenan who exemplifies the term 'huge jerk'. Fuji does nothing. He adds nothing. So far it seems like he exists so that heels can walk out with a foreigner to ensure the crowd boos them and that as a concept is disgusting. This is the first occasion of me calling time on a performer but I'm out. I don't want to see him again. Billy Jack Haynes vs. Hercules w/ Bobby Heenan Before the match starts we get the first video recap package of the night. I'm happy to say there's going to be quite a few of these and it's really nice to see WWF starting to grow towards the presentation that we're used to. This recap is about Billy and Hercules trying to put each other in the Full Nelson. This is an important plot point for later. In the back Mean Gene Okerlund remains on interview duty where he stands with Hercules and Bobby Heenan, who calls their opponent “Billy Jerk Haynes”. Seriously, Heenan? How old are you, twelve? Herc' has packed on the muscle over the last year and also got his hands on the Junkyard Dog's chains. Herc' talks about his battles with Samson and Atlas and dear god, this dude is meant to be the actual mythological Hercules. I just don't have the suspension of disbelief to deal with this. Herc' and Heenan come out for the match and I realise that this is the show with the tiny little ring cars! Those things are adorably dinky. Although seeing colourful characters being driven on floats past giant crowds does remind me a bit too much of that bit from the Hunger Games where J-Law's clothes are on fire which ruins it a little. Wait, that moment's awesome.  So awesome. Putting my huge girlcrush on J-Law aside it's also worth mentioning that once the ring cars reach the end of the entrance the wrestlers have the pleasure of being escorted into the ring by the Federettes, a lovely collection of girls with bright eyes, eager smiles and hopes and dreams that we will never be told about. I guess this is a step up from the ring girls in their panties last year. So I didn't pay much attention to Herc' in his debut appearance at Wrestlemania 2 and the most interesting thing about Billy is the gold lamé jacket he comes out wearing so I'm expecting this match to be a whole lot of nothing. However, not long into the match I start to become pleasantly surprised. Billy and Herc' are a pair of huge roided up dudes built like brick shithouses and they are just stiffing the hell out of each other. That's right, it's our very first real hoss off. Billy hits Herc' with a beautiful press slam but Herc' retaliates with a clothesline so stiff that somewhere JBL's buttocks clench up. Both guys continue to just wail on each other all while the commentary starts to take a disturbingly sexual turn. Which can only mean one thing, it's... HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE NIGHT Gorilla Monsoon: “Billy Jack's exposing that backside to Hercules”  The imagery isn't exactly helping either Herc' locks in the Full Nelson on Billy and almost wipes him out but Billy gets a second wind. The crowd's really into the comeback and Billy locks on his own Full Nelson but Herc' makes it to the ropes. The action spills outside the ring where Billy slaps on another Full Nelson and... it's a double countout. Godammit. Billy starts chasing after Heenan but Herc' gets his hands on his chain and nails Billy right in the face with it. A whole bunch of times. Somewhere in there Billy gets busted open and blood ends up covering half of his face. Herc' adds insult to injury with one last Full Nelson for good measure. Considering I had already written this match off before it started this one really impressed me. Billy and Herc' were both totally brutal with each other and there was some genuine psychology involved in how it worked around the Full Nelson. The post-match angle was also pretty intense. The finish was pants but all in all I was highly entertained. That puts us two for two on good matches!
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Aug 7, 2017 21:06
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King Kong Bundy, Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook vs. Hillbilly Jim, Little Beaver and the Haiti Kid And this runaway train of quality comes to a screeching halt as we join Mean Gene in the back with King Kong Bundy and... for gently caress sake. Little people.  Nothing that happens from here can be good. Let me preface the rest of this match with the acknowledgement the there is nothing inherently wrong with little people wrestling. I don't have much experience of them but El Torito was a really good worker and I know he's not the only one. However, knowing Vince McMahon and knowing that this is the 1980s there is just no way these people will be treated with respect and dignity. We're off to a great start with Bundy threatening to to squash the little people. Mean Gene follows up with an interview with Jim and his little people. Rather than be directly offensive Jim chooses to be patronising as hell before picking the little guys up in his arms. At no point during either of these interviews were any of the little people allowed to say even one word. This is all so awful. Jim and his friends come out to the obnoxious sounds of banjo twangs. I really hoped we were done with those after Uncle Elmer. Gino and Jesse have been joined on commentary by Bob Uecker because it worked so well when we did this last year. The match begins with Haiti Kid and Tokyo who zip around the ring with some quick offence. The commentators keep talking about “midgets” and dear god someone make this stop.  The two best workers in this match The little guys keep up the workrate until Bundy gets tagged in. Even though the rules dictate Bundy and Jim can only fight each other Beaver still wants to take him on. Beaver hits a dropkick but Bundy completely no-sells it so he runs off to tag in Jim. Every time Bundy gets distracted Beaver runs back into the ring to fight him. I think this is meant to be funny. Jesse says that there's “a lot of Beaver all over this place”. That's no way to talk about the Federettes! Beaver runs back into the ring and Bundy's finally had enough. He picks up Beaver and hits a body slam them drops the elbow. It's a crappy DQ finish because he attacked one of the little people but I don't even care because this has mercifully reached its conclusion. Tokyo and Littlebrook turn on Bundy and everyone drives him out of the ring. That's quite enough of that. I bet you thought the MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT would come out of this one. Don't worry, that's coming up later. In the back a crazy Mary Hart has attacked Mean Gene, beaten him over the head with a chair and torn the microphone from his cold dead hands so that she can have a few words with Miss Elizabeth. Unfortunately, just as Elizabeth's about to speak Randy Savage shows up, blocks her from camera and takes all the attention by spouting absolutely random gibberish. Fascinating is the word of the day! Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, Mean Gene.  If you look closely you can still see the blood dripping from the microphone Junkyard Dog vs. Harley Race w/ Fabulous Moolah and Bobby Heenan This one starts with another video recap and this one feels really legit. Race, who's working your standard king gimmick, wants JYD to bow down. You might say he wants him to get down on his knees, dog. Instead JYD steals Race's robe and crown. Never believe that WWF didn't start playing into black stereotypes until Cryme Tyme. In the back as if by instinct the corpse of Mean Gene has pulled itself upright and waved a microphone in the direction of Race, who's joined by Moolah and Heenan. First up let me say that I was shocked to see Harley Race show up here. I always thought Race was from the same generation as Bruno Sammartino and Gorgeous George and such, i.e. the pre-PPV era. I'm guessing he won't be sticking around for long. The promo itself is completely generic. I don't remember any of it cause I spent the whole time being impressed at how blatantly Moolah didn't want to be there.  You know she's thinking about suffocating Race with that cushion Race and company come on out to the ring and hang on a second, that music sounds familiar. That's Jerry Lawler's song! Oh god, that reminds me I have many, many years of Lawler coming up. Ugh. Bob Uecker goes into a verbal orgasm at the mere sight of Moolah and thankfully leaves the commentary booth to go find her. That was mercifully short. In the interview area JYD also happens across the corpse of Mean Gene. He believes its time that he sat on the throne and wore the crown. What happened to the JYD who delivered an awesome promo at the first Wrestlemania? Every time since he's been rubbish on the mic. Pants on the mic he may be but when he comes out JYD is ridiculously over with the crowd. I suppose he is the first big crowd-pleaser to show up. The match is your standard slow brawl until JYD falls outside. Race does a diving headbutt off the apron but JYD rolls out of the way. This would be really, really impressive IF THE CAMERA DIDN'T MISS THE SPOT. For some reason every time JYD whips him into the ropes Race jumps out of the ring. It looks very strange. Race finally gets a headbutt in on JYD but it only ends up hurting himself. I didn't realise JYD was Samoan! JYD gets in some headbutts of his own but Race gets in a belly to belly suplex. JYD makes a vague effort to kick out but it's like a dead fish flopping around on the beach and Race wins. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that this match has a stipulation, the loser must bow down to the winner. So after the match we are treated to the sight of a white aristocrat forcing a half-naked black man to bow before him. I thought this was 1987, not 1787. However, JYD won't take such treatment lying down and blasts Race with a chair when he's not looking. Hurray, I suppose.  Yer' a wizard, Junkyard! This match felt like a waste of time that just existed to give JYD something to do. And I've got to say JYD is starting to feel a bit out of place compared to what's going on around him. We're starting to see more and more younger guys with a sleek physique and a bit of pace like Savage, the Harts and Martel and JYD just feels like an old, flabby dude in comparison. I'm not calling time just yet but you're on the watchlist, JYD.
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Aug 9, 2017 18:35
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Chaos in the back as the shambling corpse of Mean Gene runs amok through the locker room. Ever the professional Vince steps in to take over interview duties with Hulk Hogan. And by god, if there was any cocaine in the tri-county area this morning there sure ain't any more because that's how much of it Hulk must have done that much to prep for this evening. Hulk immediately starts yelling at the camera and tearing his top off. He says that he's got it easy tonight as he only has to beat a giant while Andre has to beat every Hulkamaniac in the world. He adds that Hulkamania is the purest form of truth. No, that'll be the stuff that's gone up your nose. Vince is concentrating SO HARD in this picture The Rougeau Brothers vs. Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake w/ Johnny Valiant and Dino Bravo Elsewhere in the back Luscious Johnny clocks sight of Mean Gene's corpse and throws it off the trail of his main guys Valentine and Brutus by redirecting him towards Dino who starts rambling in French. Johnny throws up the horns in self defence. Luckily, Johnny's scheme works and the group are able to escape and find their way to the ring. Valentine is wearing an incredibly ostentatious black sequin robe with a picture of a hammer on it. I'm not sure a nickname like “the Hammer” really works with the Flair look. These guys will be facing Chuck and Raymond, the Rougeau Brothers. No idea who these guys are and they might as well be the same person. One of them has a moustache but the artificing on this video capture is so bad I can never spot it. It doesn't take long into the match for the Rougeaus to start impressing me. They show a good level of precision and style including a lovely spinning elbow from (I think) Chuck. All of a sudden Bobby Heenan arrives in the broadcast booth and decides to jump right in on commentary. Valentine slaps on a Figure 4 but whichever Rougeau it is gets to the rope. Heenan is acting super obnoxious on commentary by claiming to be two wins in two so far. Not sure you understand how countouts work there, Bobby. Heenan spends a bit of time insulting the little people from Bundy's match because we didn't get all the good jokes in earlier. The match breaks down and Brutus accidentally smashes into Valentine. The Rougeaus dump him out and do a really cool double team move on Valentine. It's essentially a combo of the Doomsday Device and the Rough Ryder.  I hereby name this move the Flying Facehump However, the ref is distracted so he doesn't see the pin! Dino climbs into the ring and clonks the Rougeau and that's enough for Valentine to take the win. After the match Valentine, Dino and Johnny celebrate but cut Brutus out of the group. They ride off in their ring cart to the back without him and that is foul play. Basic rules for a night out, you don't abandon one of the squad just cause they've been a bit aggro. This match was pretty much just there. It looks to me like this is the start of a Brutus face turn. There's a run that'll fill me with joy, I'm sure. Hair vs. Hair Match Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper Oh Piper, what have they done to you? From main events and celebrity events to a fat manbaby in a dress. You're better than this. To be fair, even Big John Studd would be better than this. We begin with a video package of Adonis and Piper continuously wrecking up furniture. Jimmy slaps Piper and I suddenly realise that Piper has gone face. Wait, how did that happen? These video packages are fun and all but they're not doing a very good job of explaining the storylines. How does the hair fit into all of this? Attracted by the sound of the megaphone the corpse of Mean Gene has found his way to Adonis and Jimmy. I'm glad to say that Adonis has made a couple of changes from last year that are already a huge improvement to the gimmick. For starters, he given up the granny dresses in favour of a Ziggy Stardust vibe. Secondly, he's discovered cocaine. He's got a gigantic pair of plastic scissors and he keeps on shaking them and staring into the camera with these huge bug eyes.  Adonis has got some serious store opening ceremonies to attend Adonis and Jimmy make their way out to the ring shortly followed by Piper who even as a face is still rolling out with the loving bagpipe music. He's not even using a ring cart, he's heading all the way out on his own. That does look so much cooller. And it's here, with Piper halfway down the entrance, that the penny drops for me. Gino throws out the piece of information that this is Piper's last ever match! Leaving aside that even with my limited knowledge of wrestling history I know that this isn't true, assuming this is to be Piper's last ever match then what an awful way to go out. In a midcard match against Adrian loving Adonis. As Piper reaches the ring there's a brief appearance of a sign in the crowd that reads “AIDS ADONIS”. Jesus! The match begins and Piper immediately rips his belt off and starts whipping Adonis and Jimmy with it. The ref looks at all of this and decides that yeah sure, this is all ok. Adonis manages to grab the belt and turn the tables on Piper. This too is perfectly acceptable. Sidenote: every time I see Adonis on one of these shows it looks like his belly's got another roll of flab. Someone's been going in hard on the Weetabix. Piper keeps on grabbing Jimmy and throwing him into Adonis like a human bowling ball. It's pretty amusing. However, Adonis ends up taking control of the match and putting in a huge beating to Piper. We've not really seen Piper have to sell before and it turns out he's really good at it, it's very believable. Jimmy sprays Piper with the perfume and Adonis locks in Goodnight Irene, a.k.a. your bog standard sleeper hold. The ref raises Piper's hand and it drops. He raises it again and it drops once more. He raises it a third time... ...and Adonis decides he's already won and lets go. He starts to celebrate like a doofus while behind him Piper's arm remains firmly in the air. And then who should show up to get Piper back in the game? Only Brutus bloomin' Beefcake! Brutus slaps Piper until he's back on his feet. Adonis takes a swing at Piper with the scissors but Piper dodges and the scissors rebound off the ropes to hit Adonis. Piper slaps on his own sleeper hold and Adonis is off to beddy-byes.  Mega-zord Piper, transform! Of course, due to reasons that I'm sure were very apparent at the time this means that Adonis needs to have his hair shaved. It sure is a fortuitous happen-stance that Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake is here then! Brutus takes the clippers to Adonis's hair and starts taking it off. And keeps going. And going. And going. Piper just stands around awkwardly in the background while Brutus does his thing, which does not seem the best way to commemorate one of your biggest stars in his farewell match. Eventually Brutus gives up and Piper shows Adonis his reflection in the mirror. Which of course brings us to... WORST HAIR  This award was never in doubt Adonis tries to attack Piper but he can't catch up so he leaves with Jimmy hiding his hair under his robe. This leaves Piper to soak up the applause as Finkel reminds us all that this is his last ever match. Ok, so I pretty much shat on the idea at the start of the match but this did end up working pretty well. They gave one of their top guys the chance to go out on a high in his own Wrestlemania moment that wasn't overshadowed by his opponent and didn't interfere with any of their young rising talents. Perhaps what really seals it for me is the crowd, they are so loud for Piper at the end that it really gets across the enormity of Piper's departure. After all, we're never going to see him again. Ah. Ah, yeah. That. MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION Gorilla Monsoon: “You're looking at a true champion in Rowdy Roddy Piper, the last time we will ever see him inside the square circle.” I love that I get to use this photo two shows in a row
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Aug 11, 2017 18:38
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Platypus Farm posted:Rarity - I was watching poo poo on youtube earlier and found this. It reminded me of your undying love of Lord Alfred "Biggest Dick in the Universe" Hayes, so I thought you might enjoy it. This was brilliant, thank you! I love Lord Alfred just poo poo talking the wrestlers to their faces. That man gave zero fucks! sean10mm posted:The Barber gimmick was really over in the 1980s... somehow. Of all the bizarre things about 80s wrestling I'm discovering, this one might top the list
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Aug 12, 2017 13:12
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Time for another rotation at the commentary desk as Jesse takes his leave to go and say hi to the 90,000 plus fans in attendance (give or take a couple of ten thousand or so). Taking his place are our old friends Mary, who has chosen this spot as a likely hide out to evade the police chasing her for Mean Gene's murder, and also Bob, who has given up on his quest to find Moolah. The Hart Foundation and Danny Davis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. The British Bulldogs and Tito Santana Disaster in the interview area as Mean Gene's corpse has turned full on zombie and is now hunting down wrestlers in a desperate hunger for brains. Luckily, none of them have any to offer so Zombie Mean Gene will have to settle for trite answers to his questioning groans. He finds his way to the Harts, who I'm glad to see are now rocking the hot pink and the sunglasses and they just look so drat cool. The Harts will be joined by Danny Davis in his debut match for the WWF and I've gotta say, teaming up with the Hart Foundation at Wrestlemania is one hell of a debut. However, it soon becomes clear that Danny is not just your run of the mill wrestleman. It turns out that he's been working as a crooked ref for the last few months until he got fired so now he has decided to become a competitor. I guess I've seen weirder career switches.  I want to punch this man in the face so bad. Jimmy tells Zombie Mean Gene that they are ready for a war and it's here where I find out who the Harts will be going up against and I freak THE gently caress out. I am so up for seeing these two teams (and also Tito) go up against each other. This is the first real mark out moment I've had watching these shows and it's sure as hell come as a surprise. I didn't realise I was getting so attached to some of these wrestlers as I am but yeah, I am invested. The Harts and Danny are out first and it's good to see that somewhere in the interim the Harts have won the tag titles. The Bulldogs and Tito are out next and the Bulldogs actually have a real life bulldog with them! The bulldog is called Matilda! My national pride stirs at the sight of these two fine men. These guys couldn't get more British if they were making GBS threads Digestive biscuits.  So drat British Mary and Bob have remained with us on commentary for this match and this leads to a lovely moment from Mary as she clarifies that she is of no relation to the Hart family. Thanks for that, Mary. I was getting rather confused there for a second. Mary also wonders if the Harts do their work outs in “those hot pink numbers”. Hee! Meanwhile in the match Danny is taking great pains to stay out of the action while the Harts take control of Dynamite Kid. At one point Bret misses a second rope elbow drop which looks like it does him some damages. The crowd loving despises Danny, they erupt in a chorus of boos every time he refuses to tag in. Mary says “We're going to have to rename Dynamite to Firecracker if he doesn't shake up here” and gently caress it, I'm calling it. Mary Hart is a great commentator. Bring on the celebs, WWF. I'll happily accept Brent Spiner and Kim Cattrall if they're going to bring this level of sick burns. With Dynamite Kid totally out of it Danny comes in for all of two punches before tagging back out. The entire stadium roars in hatred. The Harts continue to dominate and I've got to say for as many things there are to enjoy in this match, the overall pace is quite a step slower than I feel it should be or could be. Bret and the Anvil are working really slowly here, like they never bother getting out of first gear. Danny keeps on acting like just an absolute rear end in a top hat. I've never heard of this guy before but he's so good at being a smug git and he's got the crowd totally wrapped in. He goes for a springboard splash on Dynamite Kid but he ends up eating a whole lot of knees. Tito makes the hot tag and it's an absolute scorcher. He goes for the Figure 4 but the Anvil saves it. Davey comes in and just flat out MURDERS Danny with a tombstone. And a suplex. And the Running Powerslam.  And I do mean murders. You need to see this sequence here. Like, Danny is flat out dead. The Harts run in to prevent the pinfall and the match breaks down. In the ensuing confusion Danny is able to hit Davey with the megaphone behind the ref's back and he steals the win. For as slow as most of this match was the ending sequences completely tore it up. Davey is a wrecking ball and Danny is the slimiest little poo poo and I want someone to kick the living poo poo out of him. Great finish to an overall decent match. More of this, please. Zombie Mean Gene is with Bobby Heenan and a cardboard cut-out of Andre the Giant. Heenan claims that Andre is undefeated for the last 15 years. The cardboard cutout stands still impassively. Heenan tells Hulk that the clock is ticking. The cardboard cutout stands still impressively. Heenan adds that Andre is the odds-on favourite. The cardboard cutout stands still immensely. Butch Reed w/ Slick vs. Koko B. Ware We cut back to the ring where I'm delighted to see the arrival of Slick. Now, my only memory of Slick is when he ministered the D-Bry/AJ wedding on Raw 1000 so I'm not sure why I'm so excited but Slick's really pumped to be at Wrestlemania and his enthusiasm is carrying me through. Even more importantly though: quote:INTRODUCING... The bell rings and the two men face off with the crowd going nuts for Koko. They love this guy for some reason and I don't get why. Is it the bird? Is that all it is? Will I start getting mobbed if I take to walking down the street with a pelican? Jesse rejoins Gino on commentary and jumps right back to it and we're finally here, it's... MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT Jesse Ventura: “The B stands for buckwheat.” Oh come on! You know that's not cool! In happier news the guy operating the hard-cam has finally found the button for the zoom function meaning that for the rest of the show the action is a lot more closeup and seems to flow more naturally. It's just a shame he had to waste that discovery on this match which is a slow, boring mess. Koko begins to sell like he's exhausted after all of a minute. Psychology! Koko goes for a crossbody but Butch rolls through and grabs hold of the tights to win. Koko tries to protest after the match so Slick takes him out with the cane. He keeps attacking but here's your friend and mine, Tito Santana to make the save! Tito sends Slick and Butch running out of the ring while Jesse keeps calling him “Chico”. For gently caress sake, Jesse! I know you're the heel but have a little bit of class in your insults, Jesus!  Oh yeah, Tito also tries to undress Slick because... reasons.
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Aug 13, 2017 02:39
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remusclaw posted:I honestly don't think Brutus would get any real hate at all if it weren't for his post WWF career riding the coattails of his Big buddy all the way to the main event of a Starcade. The million gimmicks along the way are just the icing on the cake. I've got to disagree with this. I've not seen any of his post WWF career and I still think he's ridiculous.
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Aug 14, 2017 16:42
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And so, my friends. It is time... Intercontinental Title Match Ricky Steamboat w/ George “The Animal” Steele vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth Ok, before we begin I want to say a few words about this one. For as long as I've been into wrestling I've heard this match being talked up as one of the greatest matches from the Hogan Era. This means I've had certain expectations for this match for the last fifteen years. However, I know that there's no way that this match can live up to those expectations. Wrestling has changed so much between 1987 and today that I don't see how this can compete with the kinds of matches we see on TV today. All this can do is be a let down compared to those 15 years of expectations. So I feel like I'm about to be both amazed and disappointed at the same time. Right, let's see how it is. Before we start there's another video package for the feud, kicking off when Savage dropped a ringbell on Steamboat's throat from the top rope, sending the man to hospital. Steamboat managed to recover from his injuries and helped Steele kidnap Elizabeth (don't worry, she's back with Savage now). Savage is prepared to finish what he started and put Steamboat out of wrestling for good. This package does a much better job of setting out all the important information you need to know for tonight's match. Outside night has fallen, leaving the ring to bask in the glow of the stadium lights. Savage and Elizabeth come out to the ring to the familiar sounds of Land of Hope and Glory, Elizabeth looking super pretty. Zombie Mean Gene has caught up with Steamboat who has full on embraced the martial arts gimmick at last. He's got a bandanna around his head and he's wearing a judo uniform and practising some karate strikes and he instantly comes across as a legit badass. He delivers an amazing promo about this final confrontation that could easily be the voiceover to an epic movie trailer. His music kicks in just as he's finishing and it works so drat well. So good.  Seriously, this look just works Steamboat and Steele ride down to the ring as loud chants for Steamboat echo around the stadium. Even the fact that Steele found it necessary to take off his shirt again can't distract from the fact that there is a huge big match feel. Before the bell has even rung this already seems like a massive confrontation. The action starts out fairly equal but Savage manages to gain control by going after Steamboat's recently injured throat. He keeps on targeting the throat including a big knee drop. Things start to speed up and there's a lovely running knee from Savage that takes Steamboat out. Savage sends Steamboat flying to the outside and leaves him lying on the mat and here comes my only real criticism of this match: Steamboat is on the outside for ages and as Jesse points out the ref should have definitely counted him out. I suppose its no more egregious than letting someone use a belt to whip their opponent though. Steele drags Steamboat back into the ring but Savage remains in firm control and hits a beautiful necksnap on Steamboat by jumping over the top rope to the outside. Steamboat finally catches a break with a back body drop to the outside and then as Savage comes back in he gets hit by a gorgeous flying karate chop off the top rope from Steamboat. There follows a ridiculously long period of pinning combinations from Steamboat but he just cant put Savage away. Savage rolls through the last one and hooks the tights but Steamboat manages to kick out. And then, oh noes! The ref's gone down! Savage climbs to the top rope and comes off with the Flying Elbow Drop but there's no one around to count the pin! Savage decides to go back to an old friend and grabs the ring bell from the timekeeper but Steele pulls it away. Savage lifts Steamboat up for a body slam but Steamboat rolls him up into a small package in a slick reversal. Steamboat wins, the stadium erupts, huge celebrations from Steamboat and Steele. Steamboat's music is ace.  This reversal was a thing of beauty. Look it up. So, the final verdict. This match was neither amazing nor disappointing. What it turned out to be was a really solid contest with great match psychology and storytelling. Both Savage and Steamboat looked like they were leaving everything in the ring and the finish was dramatic without being overbooked. I also really liked how it called back to Savage's title defence at Wrestlemania II. It's clear to see that this match is a really important moment in the evolution of wrestling as it progresses from 80s brawling to the type of matches we see today. All in all, it was very enjoyable.
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Aug 14, 2017 20:24
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Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. The Honky Tonk Man w/ Jimmy Hart Back to the interview area where Zombie Mean Gene has been joined by Jake Roberts and, by the whims of whichever hateful god persuaded Ozzy to hang with the Bulldogs, Alice Cooper. Jake mutters a few words about getting his hands on Honky but it's blah. Zombie Mean Gene asks Cooper a question but Cooper's answer is so devoid of life that I think Mean Gene might not be the only undead in the room. That would explain the makeup as well. And of course, we can't forget about Jake's opponent. quote:INTRODUCING... Zombie Mean Gene takes a moment to interview Honky and Jimmy as well. And a bunch of people are about to get really mad at my next statement but the person Honky reminds me of more than anyone is Elias (nee Samson). He's got the same vibe of knowing that everyone thinks he's a total jerk but pretending like he doesn't. Believe it or not, I do mean this as a compliment. At Wrestlemania II attacking a man with a snake was a vile and vicious act but a year and a turn later it's just wacky harmless antics. That's wrestling logic for you I suppose. That's right, the crowd's cheers for Jake as he enters indicate that he is now the good guy. Honky follows him out and he has already got every inch of this gimmick nailed down. He's such a jerk.  Giving it the hippy-hippy-shake-shake The match however is really dull and really short. Honky spends most of it in control with some basic offence. For the second match in a row one wrestler ends up on the outside for a lifetime but doesn't get counted out. Apparently that's just stopped being a thing now. Honky goes for the Shake, Rattle and Roll but Jake flips him over with a back body drop. Jake then attempts the DDT but Jimmy grabs a leg WHILE THE REF LOOKS RIGHT AT HIM. Honky rolls Jake up and gets the win with the ref not seeing that he's holding onto the ropes. Although it doesn't seem like it would have mattered if he had! An unhappy Jake tries to get some revenge by swinging the guitar at Honky but he ducks and it shatters on the ringpost. Jake chases down Jimmy and Cooper helps get Damien out. They wave Damien vaguely in Jimmy's general direction and Jimmy scrambles off up the entrance with Honky in tow. This was a total waste of my time and a way worse use of Damien than we saw last year. I'm sad to say I'm still waiting for Jake to properly impress me. Uh oh! Lured by the heady smell of so many fresh brains Zombie Mean Gene has lumbered out of from the back and found his way all the way to the ring. With the synapses in his mind slowly flickering out he tries to address the crowd but only goes and incorrectly announces a new indoor attendance record of 93,173 people! Ahaha, oh Zombie Mean Gene, these hijinks will be a nightmare to clear up in the morning. The Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff w/ Slick vs. The Killer Bees Shiek and Volkoff are out first and immediately there are so many questions. What are they doing with Slick? What the hell happened to Freddie Blassie? It looks so weird to me. The two dastardly foreign heels and the well-dressed guy soul man. It's such a bizarre combination of personalities. Volkoff gets started with his anthem shtick to the boos of the crowd but all of a sudden it's interrupted by... Welp. quote:INTRODUCING... So yes, Hacksaw Jim Duggan runs out and interrupts Volkoff's singing. No, he's not got anything to do with this match, he's just vowed to never let Volkoff sing. Way to be a jerk, Hacksaw. The Killer Bees then come out and this is something I touched on in my recap of WM2 but never really got the chance to fully talk about. I loving love that their gimmick is bees. Beeeeeeeees! I like to imagine that the Bees spend their downtime in the back running around the arena threatening people with imaginary swarms of bees. My mind works in mysterious ways.  You might say they're feeling pretty buzzed right here The match begins with the Bees in control thanks to some tasty double team moves. There really is an impressive amount of trash in the ring for this match. The crowd just completely loathes Shiek and Volkoff. Also worth noting, despite having nothing to do with anything that's happening in the ring Hacksaw's decided to stick around. Still pretty rude. One of the Bees hits a Triple H-like running knee right into Volkoff's back and again I cannot tell these two guys apart. WWF are having some serious issues right now with making the guys in their tag teams distinct people instead of one homogeneous blob. This is the third team tonight where the guys might as well be interchangeable. Shiek and Volkoff take over control of the match and start to display solid heel team fundamentals with regular tags. There's some double teaming from the foreigners and the match breaks down with Hacksaw chasing Volkoff around the outside. Shiek puts a Bee into the Camel Clutch and Hacksaw spots it so he clatters Shiek with his 2x4 RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF. The Bees get DQd as is only right and proper and the foreigners win. Shiek, Volkoff and Slick immediately scarper after the match while Hacksaw gets the crowd doing U-S-A chants. So let me get this straight. Hacksaw got involved in a conflict between two parties that had nothing to do with him and then proceeded to use underhanded tactics in a manner that hosed over the guys who were supposedly 'on his side'? Hacksaw, you're an actual rear end in a top hat.
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Aug 15, 2017 18:27
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And just before the main event we've get the appearance of my... SIGN OF THE NIGHT  I just love the non-specificity of its incitement to murder So we're heading into the main event with 30 minutes left on the clock. That is a lot of space to fill. Are we going to see Hulk and Andre put on a clinic? Are we gently caress. WWF Title Match Andre the Giant w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Hulk Hogan Zombie Mean Gene has returned to the back to catch up with Heenan and Andre. Andre mutters a few words but his accent is indecipherable so he might as well have been ordering a Chinese for all I know. Heenan is really excited for the upcoming match. At least that makes one of us. Just enough time for one last video package. It looks like Andre and the Hulkster used to be the best of buddies. When Hulk first won the title it was Andre who was there to shower him with confetti and take the belt back to hotel whenever Hulk was banging a ringrat. But then envy reared its ugly head as Andre remembered that for his whole life in wrestling he'd never held a title. Never mind any of that though because I wasn't expecting it but in here we can fit in a bonus edition of... That's right, friends. During a clip of a confrontation in Piper's Pit we get a brief glimpse of Jesse in one of his more casual attires. And let me tell you there are not many men for whom casual attire would entail a mauve blazer with silver trimming over an army camo top combined with a black fedora and chandelier earrings. This feud matters not a bit, the true champion here is fashion.  In other news, Andre must have had a heck of a time buying suits In the back once more with Zombie Mean Gene and the Hulkster, who since his last interview has doubled down on the white snow to the point where he is now a shaking, sweating, hollering mess of a man. Hulk's got some concerns on his mind because he's worried how many people will die from the impact when he lifts up Andre and slams him down to the mat. Untroubled by such mortal concerns Zombie Mean Gene shuffles away to continue his endless hunt for brains. Oh god, something's gone terribly wrong! Bob Uecker and Mary Hart have managed to slip through the countless members of security that would have surely been guarding the entrance and they've made their way into the ring. The crowd cheers as they take in the scene. And if you wondered how we were going to kill those thirty minutes, this is how. With stalling. Lots and lots of stalling. The one positive thing I can say about these proceedings is that just like with Savage/Steamboat this contest is presented with a giant big match feel. The crowd are so insanely hyped for this one and Gino and Jesse are really selling the enormity of the occasion as Andre and Hulk make their entrances. Just like Piper, Hulk elects to forgo the ring carts to walk down the entrance by himself. And I must say, as cute as those carts are it looks so much more badass to hoof it on foot. The match begins and it is the most boring slog of a brawl that you could possibly imagine. Children are born, age, marry and die in the space between each punch. Empires rise and fall as Andre pulls himself out of the corner. Hulk lifts up Andre for a body slam but Andre just falls on top of him. Andre weighs over 500 pounds, King! I don't think Hulk could ever lift him up to his shoulders for a body slam!  Hulk's 'trapped in a box' segment of his mime act still needed work Andre dominates until a lame duck of a comeback from Hulk which the crowd goes insane for. However, it ends as soon as it starts as Andre traps Hulk in a bear hug. According to Wikipedia this match lasts for 12 minutes and 1 second. This one move accounts for OVER TWO AND A HALF MINUTES of that time. Trust me, I counted. Hulk finally breaks free and runs into Andre with a series of shoulder blocks but he might as well be running into a wall. They fight to the outside where Andre eats the ring post and Hulk... starts ripping up the protective padding! For about 15 seconds this match has my full attention as the concrete is exposed as images of ECW flash through my head. Then Hulk goes for a piledriver and Andre reverses it into a back body drop which is more like a back body tumble. Little tip, boys and girls. Never go to the effort to set up a hardcore spot unless you're going to make the bump look impressive. Back in the ring Hulk knocks Andre off his feet and starts hulking up. He goes back to the well for a body slam and yes, yes he can lift the big man! This is followed up with the Leg Drop and that will bring it home. Hulk has defeated the undefeated.  Twenty-seven people were later found dead in the Pontiac county area. It was a tragedy. Hulk grabs the title and starts celebrating in the ring and he does not stop. The celebrations last for over five minutes and it's literally just the same poses repeated on loop while Gino and Jesse are forced to rehash the result over and over again. They're the ones I really feel sorry for here. There's only so many ways that you can say 'Hulk beat Andre, it was incredible'. Jesse considers coming out of retirement to face Hulk. Please don't do it, Jesse. I don't want to find out that you're really bad in the ring. And with Hulk finally riding his ring cart to the back this show is just about done. Gino and Jesse close up shop by arguing the result of tonight's real main event, Savage vs. Steamboat. We play out with a series of stills scored by America The Beautiful as sung by Urethra.  I love that both real Hulk and sign Hulk are doing the exact same pose There we go, my third Wrestlemania has reached its end. Taking the show as a whole this was an immediate step up from everything that has come before. I talked about it at the start but the sense of scale from the stadium and the production made everything seem bigger and more important. The crowd were so amped up throughout the show that even when the action in the ring was terrible it still felt like it mattered. As a production and a spectacle, we're still not quite where I'd expect a PPV to be but this felt like the first real step in that direction. As for the wrestling itself, this was also a significant improvement on previous outings with close to half the card being something I'd class as enjoyable. The main event was a disaster but beyond that there were a couple of neat tag matches, a stiff hoss-off and of course, the IC title match. We're starting to see more and more guys on the roster who come across as capable workers and we're starting to see them getting more and more prominence on the show. I'm looking forward to seeing where we go from here. All in all, this show gets four Kanes for the wrestling and an extra Kane for the hot crowd, five Kanes total! /10
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Aug 17, 2017 18:44
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Numero6 posted:If it's all the WWF PPVs then Survivor Series comes up next, then there's that semi-PPV with Royal Rumble which I advise to watch just for the women's tag. Ah poo poo, I'd not picked up on this, thank you!
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Aug 17, 2017 19:18
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RZApublican posted:Not surprising, it was responsible for one of Hogan's best cocaine promos Can we please not post stuff I've not got to yet when I've specifically asked not to be spoiled?
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Aug 20, 2017 09:12
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sean10mm posted:Back to Yes sir Survivor Series 1987: I'm Thankful For Mostly Sensible Booking What I Think I Know
 It's Thanksgiving 1987, little Rarity has upgraded to potty training and across the Atlantic our good friend Vince McMahon has something special in mind to warm our hearts while digest our turkey and cranberry sauce. We are live from the Richfield Coliseum in Richfield, OH for the first ever Survivor Series. The show starts with a quick hit of cheesy intro music and terrible 80s font graphics and then it's straight over to Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, joining us again on commentary. Gino and Jesse hype up some of tonight's matches and then go over the special rules for these brand new Survivor Series matches. They do a great job of overcomplicating everything when they could just say “wrestlers are eliminated for losing in any of the standard ways”. In particular they stress the importance of the rule where referees can force a loss at their discretion when a wrestler is injured.  Guess which one of these is the only one not to occur tonight And with that there is no time to lose, we are getting right into this. The Honky Tonk Man, Harley Race, Hercules, Danny Davis and Ron Bass vs. Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Brutus Beefcake and Hacksaw Jim Duggan Immediately we begin with the sad news. Following Mean Gene's tragic zombification at Wrestlemania III the man no longer has the motor functions to fulfil all his responsibilities as backstage interviewer. Instead he will be splitting them with a young nerd who is essentially the Pimply Teenager from the Simpsons. This kid's name is never really clear but it's something like Gregory George and he certainly looks like a George so I'm going to stick with that. Anyway, George is in the back with Honky's team of dastardly villains. Somewhere in the interim Honky has won the Intercontinental belt from Steamboat and I know enough of my wrestling history to know that this must be start of Honky's run of being a giant weasel of a champ. Honky says that he will hit the Shake, Rattle and Roll on Elizabeth. It looks like Savage has had a face turn at some point, which is good cause it was starting to look like an inevitability. All through this interview Herc' is stood in the back of the crowd ignoring everyone and making poopfaces at the camera.  Everyone else on the team is just growling for no reason Honky's team come out to the ring but only Race and Honky get music and it's mixed in so quiet that it's barely audible. Looking at the lineup this is a team that consists of a bunch of dicks. Honky, Race and Danny are all characters that I just want to get a big slap. That's a good sign for the state of the heel midcard. And here we are, it's Zombie Mean Gene who is spending his time hanging out with the good guys. I must say that the last time I saw Steamboat he was working on kicking Savage very hard in the face so it's weird to see him acting like Savage's best buddy now. I do wonder how long ago Savage's face turn was. One of the downsides with only watching PPVs of this era is they're so far apart that so much story gets missed. I'm assuming that Honky going after Elizabeth was the impetus for the turn but I could be wrong. Savage shows up in a very sparkly cloak and gives Honky some sass and I am so ready to cheer for him. The faces come out to the ring now and there's a couple of things to talk about here. The first being the absolute monster of a pop that greets Savage. This guy is so over with the fans and it's great to see. There's a fair few guys on these shows that I've come to enjoy so far but in terms of guys with the definitive megastar aura you can't say that the Bulldogs or the Harts or even Steamboat have it. As much as I don't care about him, it's undeniable that Hulk Hogan has that and up till now he's been the only one. But when Savage walks out here you can see him being the top guy in the company. It just works. As for the second, did Brutus ask to be called “The Barber” so that he wouldn't be the one guy on his team without a nickname? The match begins and right off the bat Brutus gives us a Ric Flair strut, which I imagine didn't make WCW happy. Straight from there we get a series of tags from the faces as they each lay in a string of licks on Danny. Having come here right from Wrestlemania III, this is a delight. There's way too much of people coming in and out with these matches so I'm just going to be summarising the highlights. Steamboat gets thrown out of the ring but he skins the cat. Twice. That's how you get a crowd going.  I will never get tired of photos of Danny getting his rear end whupped Hacksaw and Race end up the legal men and fight to the outside where they proceed to lay into each other for so long that they get counted out. Ok, this is the second time I've seen Hacksaw Jim Duggan and this is the second time I've seen him screw himself over because of a basic failure to understand the rules of how matches are lost. I'm officially calling time. He's an awful wrestler, mugs the stupidest poses and doesn't even understand the rules for the profession he's chosen to take. Get in the bin, Hacksaw. And take your trash tier title belt back in there with you. The action continues with the first appearance in ring of the Outlaw Ron Bass, a slow hoss of a worker that stinks things up for a cup of coffee before eating a hefty running knee from Brutus, thus ending the first appearance in ring of the Outlaw Ron Bass. I must say that it was very thoughtful of WWF to eliminate all the wrestlers in this match that I don't give a poo poo about first. Herc' ends up in the ring and headbutts Brutus right in the dick. As I've come to expect, Herc' does not mess around. The heels spend quite a bit of time working over Brutus's arm. And it's here that we get our first award of the evening! SIGN OF THE NIGHT  The Brooklyn Brawler: more over than 80% of the main event He manages to fight back but then Danny gets in a cheap shot and Honky follows up with the Shake, Rattle and Roll and that's Brutus gone. This leaves us with the six guys in this match that I actually care about. Hurray! From there we get Jake and Danny in the ring and to my extreme pleasure Jake kills Danny with a clothesline. Like, he just plants him down hard. Jake finishes Danny off with a heavy spike of the DDT and Danny is outta here. Jake turns around and just gets flattened by a lariat from Herc'. I love Herc' so much you guys, I can't even tell you. Herc' takes control of the match and spends a fair amount of time working Jake over. After a bunch of match-heavy cards it's great to see WWF giving this one enough time to breathe that all the important guys get a chance to shine. Jake finally reaches his corner and brings in Steamboat for a scorcher of a hot tag. The crowd is going nuts, I'm going nuts and Steamboat is on fire. He flies off the top rope to hit Herc' with the Flying Chop and then Savage adds extra injury with the Flying Elbow Drop and that's enough to put Herc' down. I'm sad to see him go but they did a great job of making him look like a tough bastard so I can deal.  Dat elbow drop tho' Of course, this means the match is now down to the Honky Tonk Man against the three biggest names in the midcard. Oh boy, can Honky overcome the odds? The faces each get a turn in on beating up Honky while the crowd erupts and when Honky squirms his way out of a DDT attempt from Jake we get our next award. HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE NIGHT Gorilla Monsoon: “He came out that backdoor in a hurry!” Yes, I'm 12. The faces assault on Honky continues but then when he gets a moment's respite Honky bolts from the ring and does a runner up the entrance ramp. Honky gets counted out and your survivors are Jake, Steamboat and Savage! The ending was an intentional damp squib but the rest of this was a whole lot of fun. For the first time watching these PPVs I forgot about the context of the era and felt like I was just watching a normal bit of wrestling. The booking did a great job of meeting the storyline and there's now this really great feel of Honky being an undeserving champion being cornered by a bunch of superior wrestlers who are after his belt. Herc' and Steamboat especially came out of this one looking aces. However, I'm still a bit ambivalent on Jake though he didn't really get any huge moments to shine so I'm still open-minded.
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Aug 20, 2017 15:17
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In the back George is with Andre's team which is made up of five men and another five men's worth of flab. Heenan says that Andre was screwed out of a legit three count at Wrestlemania III (he wasn't) and Slick adds that later on these men will turn into a cruel, sadistic animals in the ring. And I'll warn you now, the only animal One Man Gang is turning into is a sloth. George turns to Andre who tells Hulk that he has come to take his soul and to be fair, Andre's a lot better on the mic here than he has been before. He's no Steve Austin but it's light years from where he's been before.  Real Dolls' latest product was not a top seller Sensational Sherri, the Glamour Girls, Dawn Marie (no, not that one) and Donna Christianello vs. The Fabulous Moolah, Velvet McIntyre, Rockin' Robin and the Jumping Bomb Angels I'm not sure which surprises me more, the fact that in 1987 the WWF had ten women wrestlers they could book in a match or that in 1987 the WWF had a Women's Tag Team title belt. No wait, it's the latter. It's definitely the latter. And that's not all the surprises out of the way either. quote:INTRODUCING... As the women take their sides of the ring I realise I have no idea which team I'm meant to be rooting for. On the one hand, the Glamour Girls have Jimmy Hart as their manager and he's an annoying little turd of a man so I don't like them but on the other hand Moolah is one of the worst people in wrestling and a lifelong heel as far as I'm concerned. Oh well, I'm expecting this will just be a quick filler match anyway so it shouldn't really matter. It's here that Jesse pimps out his latest hit movie, the Running Man co-starring Arnold Schwarznegger. It's a happening! Sidenote: thanks to Gino the word 'happening' has now lost all meaning to me. The action starts out fast with the girls doing some lovely flippy-dos and after a little while Velvet rolls Donna up with a beautiful pinning combination and gets her out of the match. She follows that up with a hurracanrana to Leilani Kai of the Glamour Girls and holy poo poo, Velvet McIntyre is actually good. It would have been really nice if her match at WM2 could have gone longer than 90 seconds so I could have seen that. Robin and Dawn end up in the ring tomorrow and Robin stiffs Dawn with a beast of a clothesline to get the elimination. It's here that I realise this match is being given a decent length of time, which is both really cool and really strange. I'm quite enjoying this but it's a women's match in 1987 and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. One of the JBAs, Noriyo, comes in and shows off some fast and flashy offence. She tags in her partner, Itsuki, who hits a loving top rope armdrag on Dawn Marie. In 1987. These two girls are really really good.  Those little girls haven't done anything yet! Look at them! They're gonna do something and you know it's gonna be good! There is one downside to all this quick action though and that is there is zero psychology or selling on display here. The women are just doing moves as fast as they can and don't get me wrong, there's some really great stuff on display but sometimes it doesn't feel like it hurts. Sherri tags in and hits Robin with a suplex and somehow that is enough to get Robin eliminated. Poor Jobbin' Robin. The other Glamour Girl, Judy Martin, gets into the ring with Itsuki and flings her halfway across the ring into a brutal bump. Itsuki tags in Moolah and the workrate instantly slows to a crawl. Moolah's half-assed offence looks so awful when set in direct contrast to Velvet and the JBAs. There's one “clothesline” where she kinda just waves her arm in Leilani's general direction and ugh, she's just so bad. It really sucks that she spent so long holding this division down. Jesse suggests that the girls should shave their hair to give themselves an advantage in the ring.  Molly Holly is not amused Moolah stinks up the ring for a while and then runs into a double clothesline from the Glamour Girls and Moolah is gone! drat! I did not see that one coming. I thought that for sure the WWF's boner for Moolah was going to mean she was the star of this match. It's great to see them putting her aside in favour of some girls who can actually do the good poo poo. Velvet comes back into the ring and all of a sudden we switch gears and Velvet's pulling off some chain submission wrestling. Ok sure, it's just Boston crab and surfboards and it's slow as hell but I've not seen anything like this from any of the dudes so it's a really nice chain of pace. This is the point where I realise that this match reminds me of watching cruiserweight matches in WCW in late '99. Sure, we're not seeing the same level of craziness that Rey or Psycosis would pull off but in terms of being different to everything else on the card, this match stands out just as much as those did. Leilani hits a big double underhook suplex on Itsuki which I'm sure is it for her but she only goes and bridges herself out of it! For some reason the idiot timekeeper rings the bell anyway but the ref waves it off and the action contin... Hang on. That ref looks familiar. It couldn't be...? It's surely not...?  Here comes the money! The action continues with the JBAs continuing to look drat impressive and then Velvet's back in against Sherri. She ties her up in another lovely pinning combination and... Sherri is eliminated! drat #2! First Moolah goes and now the Women's champion is outta here. They really are trying to give these great workers the rub here. This is so cool. Itsuki comes in with an awesome sunset flip from the second rope to Leilani. I really thought that would be a pin but it's only a two count. Velvet tags in and jumps up on Leilani's shoulders for another roll up but Leilani leans her forward into the tope rope and then slings her back into an electric chair drop! Velvet is done and this match is loving awesome! The match breaks down as both JBAs run in and attack the Glamour Girls, sending them running into each other. Noriyo then hits a slingshot on Leilani that sends her flying right on top of Judy. Nifty! Order is restored and Leilani gets the upper hand but when she goes up to the top rope Noriyo dodges the body splash and Leilani takes a heavy landing. Itsuki follows up with a flying crossbody from the top rope and Leilani is eliminated! The JBAs hit a double back body drop on Judy, Jimmy climbs up on the apron but Noriyo takes him out with a dropkick and Itsuki hits Judy with a clothesline off the top rope! JBAs win! JBAs win!  I popped so hard for this This match was the loving bomb. I came into it expecting absolutely nothing and it's ended up being my favourite match I've seen so far. I love flippy-dos in my wrestling and both the JBAs and Velvet brought a whole lotta flippy-dos. Not only that, in 1987 the WWF put on a women's wrestling match that went a good twenty minutes, pushed their best talents over their supposed biggest names and included a few spots that were inventive and completely different to anything going on anywhere else in the product. I love seeing great women's wrestling in the current product and there's been some fantastic matches in the last couple of years in WWE. It's not like I'd put this up there with Asuka/Ember Moon or Bayley/Sasha in NXT but it was still drat good. So here's what comes up for me. Where did this all go wrong? How did we go from a match like this to Sable showing off her tits in 1998 and Kelly Kelly putting on two-minute pissbreak title defences in 2008? It kind of amazes me that while society as a whole became more progressive in its attitude towards women that the WWF regressed the other way. I don't know when they stopped caring about their women's division and I don't want to be spoiled but it feels to me like there was an opportunity here to expand their product and they chose not to take it. I can't believe it's only now, 30 years later, that they've managed to course correct. Soapbox moment over. Next match, please!
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Aug 21, 2017 20:38
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The Hart Foundation, the Dream Team, Demolition, the Islanders and the Bolsheviks vs. Strike Force, the British Bulldogs, the Killer Bees, the Rougeau Brothers and the Young Stallions George is in the back with four-fifths of the heel team and it's so many people you can barely cram them all on screen together. The Harts have lost the Tag Team title belts somewhere along the way which makes me a little bit sad. There's two big schlubby fucks at the back in KISS makeup and they look so out of place. It's like seeing your dad in the middle of a mid-life crisis trying to fit in with the kids at Reading festival. One of them's got a double chin, for gently caress sake! Meanwhile on the other side of this mass of people Roman Reigns has somehow invented a time machine and gone back to 1987 to become part of a tag team.  The Big Dawg Heenan is also with the teams and he delivers a very shouty promo. Jimmy Hart runs in late, coming straight from getting his rear end whupped by Noriyo and his temper is running hot. He's in the mood for hurting someone. Don't worry Jimmy, you're already hurting my ears. Out in the ring the other fifth of the heel team is already in the ring as the Slickster is here with Volkoff and... hang on, that's not Shieky baby! No, unfortunately relations between the Soviet Union and Iran have deteriorated so Volkoff has kicked out his old partner in favour of one of his commie buddies. In fact, Shiek doesn't appear at all on this PPV. I do hope he's not being held up in a gulag. The rest of the heels come out to join them and it's here that I find out who are mystery teams are. quote:INTRODUCING... quote:INTRODUCING... Zombie Mean Gene is in the back with all the face tag teams who are being led by the current WWF Tag Team champions... Tito Santana and Rick Martel? Now that's a combination I would never have seen coming. They've even got a proper name and matching ring gear and everything. So somewhere along the way the Can-Am Connection have broken up which is a bit of a shame. And what about Tito's so-called best bud Junkyard Dog? He's not even on this show tonight. He's probably lying in a kennel in Tito's back garden crying his eyes out. Martel says that the only way out of the match is to win. Not really, there's also getting eliminated in there and there's a quite a few ways to do that. The faces make their way out to the ring and very quickly one big problem with this match becomes apparent. There's just way too many people in there. This match involves twenty men and with only two actually in the ring it means we've got eighteen dudes standing around the apron and it's impossible to see what's going on because no matter where the camera goes there's always someone in the way.  This is just ridiculous And ok, I get that this show is a new idea and the WWF needs to play around with the concept to see what works and what doesn't but surely someone there has to realise that putting twenty people in one match is just too much. Not only are there the visibility issues but it's too many people with not enough match time to let everyone get displayed the way they should. Tito helps things out a little with the Flying Forearm on Boris Zhukov for a pin. This means both the Bolsheviks are gone as we're doing the buddy system in this match but it's still way too crowded. Smash comes into the ring and oh my god, now that I can get a proper look at Demolition's gear it's made things even worse. They're wearing chest harnesses that look like they've come straight from a BDSM party. Who the gently caress thought this was a good look for these guys? Smash grabs Paul Roma of the Young Stallions and throws him straight down on his hip. Ouch! There's another big problem with having so many people around the ring. It's impossible to walk more than a few steps without walking into a tag which means that guys are popping in and out of the action more often than the hokey-cokey. Everything is so stilted and the match never gets a chance to settle into a rhythm. Jacques goes for a flying crossbody on Ax but he totally whiffs it and the Rougeaus are gone.  I'm including this picture purely because it's a crotch shot of Bret Hart The Dynamite Kid comes in with a stiff as hell clothesline to Smash. To get his revenge Smash distracts the referee and the heels all lay in a beating on Dynamite. While the camera focuses on this beatdown we hear from Gino that Smash has for some reason just decided to throw the referee across the ring. Demolition are disqualified! I know I called Hacksaw and Race a couple of idiots earlier on but I think I'm going to have to take that back because Smash has just raised the bar in imbecility. Ax and Smash wander off to the back, ending their damp smelly turd of a debut. With the crowd around the ring starting to decrease the action picks up. Bret hits a beautiful piledriver on Davey but then gets whipped shoulder-first into the ringpost. Tama comes in and only goes for a loving Vaderbomb (Tamabomb?). He whiffs it though and Martel locks in a Boston crab but Tama manages to get the tag. Tito hits the Anvil with the Flying Forearm and that's surely it but Bret makes the save and... Anvil immediately pins Tito? The Tag Team champions are out of the match and in one of the weakest possible ways. We're down to twelve men now and things are starting to look a bit calmer. However, most of the action involves the heels beating up the Young Stallions who are refusing to tag in anyone but each other. It's like they're trying to do the psychology of one man in a team being dominated but with two men and it just makes the Stallions look like egotistical jerks. On the plus side the Islanders finally get to show off a few moves and they look quite impressive. The Stallions finally give up their spot in the ring and the faces start trying to headbutt Haku. Silly boy, don't you know you can't headbutt a Pacific Islander? It's like these lads don't know their wrestling history. Davey hits Haku with the Running Powerslam but Haku kicks out. Dynamite comes in with the Diving Headbutt and I cringe. That move does not look healthy. Dynamite ends up taking himself out with the move and then Haku connects with the Reverse Thrust Kick and the Bulldogs are done. Things get really slow and boring for a while. Dino comes in with a sidewalk slam which Gino calls a side suplex. Greg tags in and attempts the Figure 4 on Jim Powers but Powers tags in his partner and Roma flies in with a sunset flip. The Dream Team are gone and we are down to two on two. The Anvil takes the empty spot in the ring and as he's getting a beating from the bees I notice that he's got a suspicious small stain right on his butthole. Did Jim “the Anvil” Niedhart do a little shart?  How Paul Roma feels about the Anvil doing a shart Haku's back in the thick of it and he starts throwing around dropkicks and poo poo and who the hell is this? Where is the fat immobile gently caress I remember from WCW who could only throw his arms around and scream? I'm liking this. Powers lifts Bret up for a scoop slam but Tama uses a dropkick to topple him over. Except Powers rolls through and gets the pin on Bret! Again, that's a pretty weak way to beat one of your big name teams. This leaves us with the Islanders against the Stallions and the Bees. Haku and Tama put up a decent fight, taking control of Powers for a while. Powers finally gets in a lukewarm tag to one of the Bees (I still can't tell them apart) and the crowd shrugs in indifference. Things break down and suddenly one of the Bees has put a mask on for a bit of Twin Magic. He ties Haku up with a sunset flip and gets the win despite not being the legal man. Jesse describes the finish to this match as “a bunch of crap”. He's not wrong.  I keep thinking the Islanders have weed on their tights There's two major issues I have with this one. The first being the fact that the faces used dirty tactics to win with no provocation and it's presented as a worthy triumph despite the Islanders being great and not doing anything heelish the entire match. It's not like this is the only time faces have ever acted like heels but the way no one but Jesse acknowledged it made it particularly egregious. The other issue is that the main story of the match was supposed to be the Stallions surviving a massive beating to show how tough they are and how much stamina they've got. However, not only did they refuse to tag in other people when they were on offence they didn't do anything worth getting excited about so I've got zero interest in cheering for them when they just got in the way of better teams. Overall, this match started out as a mess and ended up as a bit of a snooze. I've gained some respect for the Islanders but besides that it didn't do enough to be a showcase.
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Aug 22, 2017 22:57
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Shiki Dan posted:Interesting--I knew Tama was Rikishi's brother but had no idea they were twins. I looked that up while researching the Islanders, it's ridiculous how many of those guys ended up getting big chances in WWE. Platypus Farm posted:Demolition owns, the usos are impossible to tell apart and OF COURSE they all have twin kids because how else could they be more identical !!! Demolition are absolute wank, I'm fairly certain my mind won't be changed on this one.
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Aug 23, 2017 21:31
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It's time for a brief respite from the wrestling because we have to remember that today is Thanksgiving. And while we may be sitting on our couches with a cold beer and covered in melted cheese like the fat slobs we are, there's someone else who's got a very different idea for how to spend the day. That's right, it's time to spend Thanksgiving with the Million Dollar Man.quote:INTRODUCING... So while the lesser mortals are putting their bodies on the line for a meaningless PPV the Million Dollar Man is spending his Thanksgiving taking pleasure in the finer things in life and oh my god it's been five seconds and I already think this guy is a huge douchebag. The smug prick brags about how easy life is when you're rich. I remember the 18 months I spent living homeless and not knowing if I would be able to survive more than a week. gently caress this rear end in a top hat. DiBiase declares he's thankful not just for his money but also for what people will do what his money.  I eat my dinner of pot noodles out of a dog bowl. gently caress you, DiBiase. What follows is essentially Ted DiBiase: The Clip Show Episode. We see a number of clips of DiBiase offering to pay members of the public for easy or disgusting jobs. There's a guy licking the sweat off his feet, there's a little Jimmy failing to do ten press-ups, there's a girl kneeling on the ground and barking like a dog, a memory which elicits an award. MOST OFFENSIVE COMMENT Ted DiBiase: “I remember a woman who thought she had to get down on all fours to make some the Million Dollar Man's money” Ted, what requests your put in your craigslist adverts are none of my concern. However, for the full extent of DiBiase's rampant assholery we must look at the little Jimmy he challenges to bounce a basketball fifteen times. They're on a podium away from the ring and Virgil is there with the money. Hi, Virgil! I'd give you an Introducing... section but frankly, I just don't care.  Just like everybody else. Anyway, little Jimmy starts bouncing the basketball and he's doing a great job. Sure, it's an easy enough task but he's on television and his mum is watching and she got medical bills to pay so there's a lot of pressure. Even so, little Jimmy keeps on bouncing. 12... 13... 14... And then DiBiase sticks out his leg, boots the basketball into the crowd and laughs in the little dudes face. Holy poo poo! This man's a loving monster! We're not even done yet! There's an extended clip of DiBiase going to a swimming pool and paying the attendant to kick out all the children that are playing just so DiBiase can have it to himself. Jesus! I'm surprised we don't see him stealing ice creams out of the kids' hands as they run past! From out of nowhere DiBiase has come in and made himself the biggest loving douchenozzle in professional wrestling. I really want to see someone kick his head in. Back to the arena now where Gino and Jesse spend an extended period of time talking to camera about the action that's already taken place tonight. It lasts for five minutes and it's a really awkward blatant attempt to cover for some production issues going on elsewhere. The pair rehash all the main talking points so far (Honky's a dick, the JBAs are awesome, the Bees' Twin Magic makes no sense) but I'm not really listening because in the crowd behind them a kid is doing Hogan poses straight into the camera and it's beautiful.  Gotta watch out for those 9-inch pythons, brother! And in case you were thinking I'd forgotten this, don't worry. I've been waiting to discuss it for just this moment. I have to say that for fans of outrageous fashion most of Jesse's outfit tonight is a huge disappointment. He's wearing the exact same snakeskin suit he was wearing at WM3! It looks like the economy has taken a turn for the worse for our friend “The Body” because he's clearly not getting enough cash to keep up with his thrift shopping. However the night is saved with one glorious moment when Jesse reveals to help with the Thanksgiving vibes he's brought along a pilgrim hat. Which he then puts on. On top of his headset.  The pilgrims famously used headsets to check in back home while slaughtering the Native-Americans We don't reach peak Jesse on this show though. Sort your poo poo out, Ventura! Just time for a quick stage interview with the Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart. Man, Jimmy's been running all across the arena like a Duracell bunny tonight. Give the dude a break. Honky says that despite what silly things like fact or history say he was the true survivor of his match and that Hulk Hogan is jealous of his title. Yes, I bet Hulk is losing sleep over the fact the second tier belt is being held by an Elvis impersonator. Gino and Jesse turn to the main event and give us our next award. MOST INCORRECT PREDICTION Gorilla Monsoon: “This is a confrontation that will go down in the record books in the annals as one of the greatest matches to ever take place anywhere.”  I'm on the edge of my seat here
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Aug 23, 2017 21:36
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Andre the Giant, King Kong Bundy, Rick Rude, Butch Reed and One Man Gang vs. Hulk Hogan, Paul Orndorff, Don Muraco, Bam Bam Bigelow and Ken Patera The heels come straight out to the ring which means there's a couple of things to deal with here. quote:INTRODUCING... WORST HAIR  It doesn't work when you have a pornstache. As the heels congregate in the ring Jesse points out that Andre has had to live with the outcome of Wrestlemania III for “six to eight months”. Gee thanks, Jesse. I didn't realise that time had suddenly gone into flux. Of course, there's a very simple explanation for this line which is that Jesse just spent the first half of '87 on a mad drugs binge and doesn't remember half of it. Yeah, that'll be the one. In the back it's Zombie Mean Gene grabbing a few words with Hulk and his team. Hulk continues on with the animal theme for this main event by saying that the food chain doesn't matter. It's a good thing he's not wrestling the Gobbledy Gooker then, The whole team scream like a bunch of maniacs and leave to burn down the ring. I assume they mean literally cause none of them have the workrate to set the place on fire.  The faces are accompanied to the ring by a waxwork of Paul Orndorff The faces make their way out and oh hey, Orndorff is back from whichever black hole he sunk into for WM3. We've also got a newly-face Muraco who has picked up the nickname of “The Rock”. I don't really think that one's going to catch on. And following them out is our final debut of the evening! quote:INTRODUCING... Hulk follows the other faces out separately and the crowd goes as nuts as ever. He's waving a USA flag around as well to really soak up that cheap heat. And it's here, in the autumn of 1987 that I first feel that Hulk's time at the top of the card has run its course. The amount of popularity that greets him here doesn't seem deserved compared to his skill. Ok, he can cut one hell of a promo when he's shoved a mass of coke up his nose but once he steps between the ropes it all falls apart. He's got nothing to offer and his matches are dull and there's other guys on the roster who would fit this applause better. The match begins with Gino giving a name to the young referee and alas, he is not Shane O' Mac. The money remains firmly in the bank for now. The faces take it in turns to beat up on Rude, who quickly impresses me with some decent selling. Patera takes his turn in the ring and his look is so wrong for this kind of entertainment. He's got a huge mullet and stubble and he's really old and his ring gear is bland. It's like someone's dad just walked in off the street and talked his way into appearing in the main event.  Mr. I Dentul The faces continue their domination with Muraco getting in a few shots. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that he looks to have shed a fair few of the pounds. There's not exactly a six-pack going on but at least I'm seeing some definition there. Butch eats a double clothesline and then Hulk hits the Leg Drop and he's out of the match. Thanks for coming, Butch! The heels' offence equals exactly zero at this point. Hulk celebrates with a hi-five with Muraco as Andre takes the empty spot in the ring. Hulk wants to fight him but the referee counts the hi-five as a tag and Hulk starts kicking up a huge fuss. I really don't see the issue here, Hulk. You can tag back in at any time, this isn't complicated! Things continue, there's a stiff knee from One Man Gang to Orndorff and then Patera tags back in. They keep on calling him “The Olympian” so I'm guessing this guy is like some 80s version of Kurt Angle and has got some legit competitions under his belt. That's the only explanation I can see for how a dude who really doesn't look like he's a wrestler has ended up in wrestling. Patera gets a clothesline from One Man Gang and he's done. They didn't do it like that in Los Angeles '84! Oh yeah, this match blows. Orndorff is in the ring and he's taking it to Rude something fierce but Bundy gets in a cheap shot. Rude rolls him up and gets a hook on the tights to knock Orndorff off. But then Hulk comes in with a running knee on Rude and Muraco follows it up with a crisp powerslam and Rude is gone as well. This wasn't a great opportunity for him to shine but I saw enough to make me hopeful. This leaves us with three burly fat fucks on the heel team so you can bet that from here on out whatever minimal workrate that had sneaked its way into the match has been kicked out for not wearing the right shoes and left on the kerb to call an Uber home. One Man Gang in particular is a dumpster fire of a wrestler. Muraco takes a hit from Andre and then One Man Gang connects with a body splash. Muraco is out and the faces are now down two to three. Sidenote: I wrote this before John Cena called Baron Corbin a dumpster fire on Smackdown. I'm really mad he beat me to it  On the plus side, one of those faces is Bam Bam and he tries his best to make a silk purse out of this sow's ear. He has a crack at a sunset flip on One Man Gang but there's nothing doing and he gets squished with a banzai drop. That's a whole lotta weight coming down on his chest, ouch! Bam Bam then eats a clothesline and does the crazy 360 sell. It's impressive but doesn't really fit his opponent. The heels take their time to work over Bam Bam as the match slows to a crawl. Then Andre tags in, Bam Bam rolls under a fist and makes the tag. Hulk is all fired up but Bundy pulls him out of the ring. Bundy and One Man Gang rush at Hulk but he hits them both with scoop slams onto the padding. Hulk keeps up the assault and... Hulk gets counted out. Ahahahahahaha! Hulk tries to get back into the match but the referee makes him leave and Hulk stalks off up the entrance stamping his feet like a petulant five year old who didn't get an Xbox for Christmas. Your top face, America!  Very much not inside the ring Of course this means the match is down to Bam Bam Bigelow against the three fattest fucks on the roster and I've got to admit, this is not how I saw this one shaking down. As dumb as that elimination made Hulk look it's really cool to see them giving someone else the main spotlight in this one. The quality might not be there but I'm still very interested in the result. Bam Bam keeps on fighting, dodges out of the way of the Avalanche and then hits a neat springboard splash to eliminate Bundy. Come on, Bam Bam! One Man Gang returns to the action and starts beating up Bam Bam with some weak looking shots. And then... oh for gently caress sake, who thought this was a good idea? One Man Gang goes up to the top rope. And in one of the most pathetic, risible, godawful shittest moments I've ever seen in wrestling, One Man Gang misses with the worst body splash ever. How bad is it?  HE LANDS ON HIS loving FEET gently caress you, 1987. At least Viscera could do a spinning wheel kick. After landing on his feet and falling over One Man Gang is pinned by Bam Bam, bringing the match down to one on one. Things are exciting for all of a minute before Andre hits a suplex which is more horizontal than vertical and Bam Bam is gone. Andre's team wins in a bit of an anticlimax. Even working at Andre's pace they coulda milked that a few minutes longer. Well, what do you know? Hulk can't stand someone else getting the focus of the attention for more than five seconds so he's back and he's brought his title belt and he starts wailing away on Andre. gently caress off, Hulk. You lost. You lost because you were an idiot. You can't just go beating somebody up because they won a match fair and square. Andre and Heenan go a-running and Hulk poses in the ring. It goes on for ages and it's just like Wrestlemania III. Jesse calls Hulk an egomaniac and he's not wrong.  Hulk's body literally looks like a balloon So yes, Hulk comes out of this PPV looking really terrible and as I said earlier, I feel like Hulk's time in the sun is done. I know that we're nowhere near the end of Hulkamania but as far as I'm concerned neither the wrestler nor the character deserves to be the main guy any more. The WWF have someone there ready and waiting to be the new main guy and his name is Randy Savage. Hulk's only real strength is his promos where Savage is easily a match for him while Savage is also as good a wrestler as they've got and the crowd is ready for him to be on top. This is the show that proved it. I can't believe I have strong opinions on 30-year old booking. Zombie Mean Gene makes his last appearance of the night at the stage area with Heenan and Andre. Zombie Mean Gene says that he can't recall ever seeing “anything quite so hot”. Hee! Heenan claims that Andre survived the best in professional sports today which is strange cause I don't remember seeing him in the women's match. And there we have it, our first ever Survivor Series is done and dusted. It's a bit of an odd one because the show started strong but it all fell apart in the second half. From a booking perspective there were a lot of good decisions and a fair few people had their profiles boosted and that made me happy. However, while the quality of the matches started well it really fell apart with the tag team match and then the main event had barely anything going for it in terms of in-ring action. Do check out the women's match though because I cannot state enough how awesome it was in the context of the timeline. Six Kanes out of ten, and I think that's being generous. /10
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Aug 24, 2017 21:59
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A Note From Future Rarity: So I actually watch and write these a fair bit in advance of when I post them. Right now I've posted the last WM3 part and I'm halfway through watching Summerslam 1988. I didn't realise that there was a Royal Rumble in 1988 because Wikipedia don't include it in the PPV chronology. I do want to fill in the gap here but it'll have to wait until after the show I'm currently watching. So be patient and settle back as we crack on with... oh gently caress, it's WMIV. Wrestlemania IV: Making WWF Great Again What I Think I Know:
 It's spring 1988, little Rarity is learning how to read and across the Atlantic it's time for our annual spectacle of unknown celebrities as we gear up for Wrestlemania IV! We are live from (oh dear god) the Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, NJ. Settle down my friends because this show is three and a half hours and we are in this for the long haul. I don't know if my intestinal fortitude is strong enough for this one but there's only one way to find out. We open in the ring with Zombie Mean Gene to introduce this year's version of America the Beautiful as sung by soul legend Gladys Knight, who must share tailors with the Macho Man because her jacket is very sparkly. As has become traditional we get a montage to celebrate the images of Americana and we are back to super-patriotism this year. I feel like I'm having cheeseburgers injected right into my veins, it's that American.  I didn't realise Triple H debuted so early Up to the commentary booth now where our old friends Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are here to run us through the action. And oh dear. You know when your mates go off on a sesh without you and get tight with this new guy and you don't really like him but suddenly they're inviting him to everything and all you can do is sit their in silence quietly loathing his presence? That's what's happening here because Gino and Jesse have only gone and re-invited Bob Uecker. You couldn't have brought back Herb? I loved Herb. So before we get started with the matches the team talk us through the main thrust of tonight's action. Tonight we will be having a multi-man tournament to determine the WWF champion because a few month's ago that plucky young rookie Vacant got his first ever title win. Good going, lad! I sense big things in your future! Therefore tonight we'll have a whole bunch of wrestlers in a whole bunch of matches in a series of knockout rounds. Because this worked so well for The Wrestling Classic. But before that we've got to make sure the whole roster gets that Wrestlemania payday! Invitational Battle Royal Featuring the Hart Foundation, the Young Stallions, Sika, Danny Davis, the Killer Bees, Bad News Brown, Sam Houston, the Rougeau Brothers, Ken Patera, Outlaw Ron Bass, Junkyard Dog, the Bolsheviks, Hillbilly Jim, Harley Race and... oh godammit, George “The Animal” Steele YOU LIED TO ME GAVOK! YOU LIED!  A full 50% of the competitors were wearing sparkly jackets. Was someone offering bulk discount? My irritation at being ambushed by a surprise appearance from the Animal aside, there's one other major problem I have with this match. The Hart Foundation do not deserve to be relegated to the curtain-jerker battle royal. Obviously with the tournament taking up so much of the screentime it means a lot of workers aren't getting a proper match and for a lot of the guys involved in this that's absolutely fine. I don't give a poo poo about seeing JYD or Race or Patera and such but the Harts should have something. Seeing them walk out behind the winner's trophy is just depressing. That said, comparing this lineup to the battle royal two years ago the vast majority of these guys are characters I'm familiar with and it shows the roster's filling out nicely. In the firm tradition of the one other battle royal I've covered, I'm ignoring the early eliminations. On commentary Bob has found a new Wrestlemania honey, trading in Moolah for Wheel of Fortune's Vanna White who is kicking around here somewhere. Ugh. Bob's creeping lechery is played for comedy but it's not funny. Meanwhile after being eliminated and while walking out Steele gets in a little fracas with the Anvil and pulls him out. Bullshit! This is all your fault, Gavok. In happier news Roma sends Danny flying over the top rope and he tumbles out on his rear end. It's always a pleasure seeing Danny suffer.  I could have freezeframed this moment... so I did! Things are starting to calm down now with the ring clearing up. Race takes a bit of time to work out what to do with JYD so to fill the time he just strokes him in a very loving way. It's a bit disturbing. Patera and the Bolsheviks all tumble out together leaving us with a final five of JYD, Race, Brown, Roma and Bret. They might have shoved him in a nothing match but at least they're letting Bret get a decent run of this. JYD tosses Race over the top rope and Brown dumps out Roma giving us the final three. Brown and Bret start working together with a double team but JYD escapes from Bret's grip and he gets nailed by Brown. JYD gets in some crawling headbutts on both men but Bret and Brown manage to get control and work him over. They get JYD over the top rope and celebrate a tied victory but then – who woulda thunk it? - Brown turns on Bret and nails him with a vicious kick. He follows up by whipping Bret right into the ring post and then dumping him over. Bret goes 2-0 on being the top loser in battle royals.  Who's bright idea was it to make the trophy the size of Andre? Brown holds up his trophy but Bret slides back into the ring and knocks Brown down. With Brown out of it Bret grabs the trophy and starts wrecking it. Or at least he tries to. It's a fairly sturdy bit of metal so it takes a few hits to really break it apart. I wasn't really into this one, certainly not as much as the WM2 battle royal. The post-match angle is interesting though, perhaps we're looking at a face turn for Bret/the Harts. Bob decides to leave the commentary desk because Vanna is out there somewhere and he's got to get his dick wet. This is gross. We're not done with celebrities through because Robin Leach of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is here to read an important proclamation regarding tonight's tournament. As with The Wrestling Classic and all tournaments ever we follow the rules that if a match is tied then neither man advances. Robin says that the tournament will feature the top fourteen wrestlers in the WWF and I already know that's a lie because we already saw one of them.  It's even written on a loving scroll Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Ted DiBiase w/ Virgil and Andre the Giant Oh geez, I don't think they could have a found a worse opponent for DiBiase's first PPV match if they'd tried. DiBiase looks to have splashed a bit of cash here because he's got Andre in his corner and that leads to a few potential interesting scenarios for how tonight is going to play out. Could Andre turn on DiBiase? Could Andre lie down for DiBiase? There's some cool dynamics going on here. The match starts up and Jesse says that Hacksaw “don't know a hold for nothing” which is a very kind way of telling us he's a poo poo worker. Hacksaw hits an atomic drop and DiBiase launches himself to the outside. The action continues in a very tedious brawl as Hacksaw mugs for the camera. Back in the ring, Hacksaw does a sunset flip! Jesse's just as shocked by this athletic display as I am. Hacksaw's continues in firm control but then he strays to near the ropes and Andre grabs him while the ref's not looking. One cheap punch from Andre is enough to lay Hacksaw out and DiBiase scrambles on top to get the win. This was really short and really awful. I'm hoping that DiBiase will get a better opponent at some point so I can proper look at him as a performer.
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Aug 25, 2017 21:08
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Gavok posted:Yeah, Royal Rumble wasn't an actual PPV, but a cable TV special. Really, you don't need to review it. The original Rumble match is a big pile of nothing and the only other memorable parts of the show are a Hogan/Andre contract signing and a Jumping Bomb Angels match. I see you trying to evade talking about George Steele. I know your game, mister!
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Aug 25, 2017 22:15
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Gavok posted:You said you loved Herb. Who's the real liar? At least Herb owned a razor!
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Aug 25, 2017 22:57
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Sub Rosa posted:Calling Rick Rude the 80's Dolph Ziggler is just garbage I know everyone hates him now but I'll always love Dolph, it was meant as high praise
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Aug 26, 2017 07:22
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Zombie Mean Gene is in the back with Brutus Beefcake who is looking deranged. His hair is all long and scraggly and his eyes are bugging out and he's clipping his scissors like a madman. This is such a stark contrast to the Brutus of just three years ago, the guy has gone to seed so much. He's going to be taking on the Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental Title later on. Brutus opens his mouth and he sounds deranged as well. I'm not exactly sure what he's saying but I think he just threatened to shank Jimmy Hart. I refuse to accept this as entertainment Dino Bravo w/ Frenchie Martin vs. Don Muraco w/ Superstar Billy Graham Things seem to have switched up a little for the Dream Team as Dino is out tonight with a new manager, Frenchie. I can't say I have any knowledge of this guy so I'm going to assume he quickly falls into irrelevance. Dino is also introduced as Canada's Strongest Man, which is not exactly the most auspicious of titles. It's not like it worked for Mark Henry. Then Muraco comes out and holy poo poo, something's changed in the last few months because Muraco suddenly comes across like a legit contender. He's got rousing music for his entrance, he comes out wearing a tie-dye vest which gives him a totally unique look and he's got Graham in his corner. This really works, his spot on the roster suddenly seems deserved. The match begins the action is all right, slightly better than I'd expect considering the participants. Gino believes that Dino is “in great shape”. I've got eyes Gino, I know that's not true. Unless that shape is an oval. Muraco goes for what I think is meant to be a Vaderbomb but botches it so badly that I can barely tell. He ends up getting strangled by the ropes in what I really hope was not a planned spot. Like, his neck is caught between the two and he's getting proper choked. It looks disgusting. Graham manages to free him but Dino follows up with a hefty piledriver.  Dino and Don were still working on their Kama Sutra There's a double clothesline and both men go down. When they recover Muraco launches himself at Dino but he pulls the ref in the way and the ref takes a bump. Dino hits the Side Suplex as the ref comes to but instead of counting the pin he calls straight for the bell. Dino gets DQ'd for putting the ref in harm's way and Muraco advances to take on DiBiase in the quarter-finals. Lame finish but this was a bearable match. I'm glad Muraco got the win, this new version intrigues me and I wish to see me. Bob is in the back and he still can't shut up about Vanna, which is getting right annoying. Honky and Jimmy join him and Bob starts joking about Jimmy having his hair chopped off. Honky and Jimmy don't give a poo poo about hair though, not seeing it as a priority when they have, y'know, wrestling matches to win. They walk off as Bob tells them they're never invited back round to his house. Bob sucks. Greg Valentine w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Ricky Steamboat w/ The Most Adorable Kid Steamboat comes out with his little boy and it is literally the cutest thing you could ever do as a wrestler. Lil' Dragon's even got his own tiny bandana and karate uniform. It's so loving adorable.  I challenge anyone to hate this Mama Dragon takes the little one off to the back before the match starts which is disappointing. I was hoping for a Lil' Dragon run-in with a steel chair. I guess we can't have nice things. The match starts and within ten seconds it's already the best match Greg's had yet. Steamboat's getting the best out of him. Although I do almost have to reconsider when they botch a loving rollup because Greg forgets to roll back. That's one for Maffew. Greg takes control and the pace slows as he connects with a number of elbow shots. Steamboat falls down on the back of his head. Or as Gino puts it his “external occipital protuberance area”. Try saying that one ten times fast. Steamboat's selling is really beautiful and it does a lot to make Greg look good even though he's giving us the same tired offence as always.  Stupid Sexy Steamboat Having washed up the vomit from my floor I continue watching the match where Greg has an attempt at the Figure 4 reversed but manages to get in a shoulder breaker, a move which Greg does always make look real nice. He goes for the Figure 4 again but again Steamboat reverses and he starts slamming Greg's face into the mat over and over and over. Steamboat hits the Flying Chop but Greg kicks out which is crazy. Steamboat follows up with a flying crossbody but Greg rolls through and picks up the win. Steamboat is out in the first round and that sucks rear end. The match was solid enough as any Steamboat affair would be but I really feel like he was wasted here. For starters, he should be beating guys like Greg any day of the week so the result hurts him quite a bit. More importantly, they could have paired him up with another good worker to get another real showcase like last year's match. It's disappointing that they went with this route. My enjoyment comes to a screeching halt as Gino and Jesse point out Donald Trump is at ringside and start praising him for his achievements and excuse me.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVM1nUmDHHc Having cleaned up the vomit from my floor I resume watching to find Zombie Mean Gene in the back with the British Bulldogs and Koko B. Ware, who are preparing for a match with the Islanders and Bobby Heenan. Oh no, it turns out the Islanders dognapped Matilda! Those fiends! It's all fine now though, Matilda is back with the Bulldogs and they say she has become a weasel dog for hunting weasels. Koko wants her to go on a weasel hunt. I'm sensing a strong animal theme from this match up. Butch Reed w/ Slick vs. Randy Savage w/ Miss Elizabeth Ok, I've seen Butch a few times now and I swear there is absolutely nothing to this guy. He's got nothing to offer in the ring, he's got nothing specific about him as a character, he's just... there. He's a non-entity. Slick's a pretty cool heel manager but he can't save Butch. The match begins and Jesse talks strategy with the opinion that Butch needs to be using “power stuff”. Top analysis there, Jesse! The match is dire. Nothing happens. They stall and brawl and Butch goes to the top rope but pauses to talk poo poo to Elizabeth. And as they say, talk poo poo get hit. Savage catches Butch on the top rope, throws him to the mat and then hits the Flying Elbow to advance and face Greg in the quarters.  Top notch power stuff action Butch, I'm calling time. You're done. Back to the interview area and Bob is still loving talking about hooking up with Vanna. For gently caress sake Bob, none of us care about your sexual fantasies! Bobby Heenan shows up with the Islanders in tow and Bob taunts Heenan about getting caught by Matilda. Heenan isn't taking any of his poo poo and basically tells him to get stuffed. As they leave Bob tells them he won't speak at their outrigger dinner. Bob has this awful tendency to get in the last word as the wrestlers walk away which is not what you want from an interviewer cause he's not meant to be there to get himself over. What the gently caress even is an outrigger dinner and why would the Islanders be having one? I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW. The One Man Gang w/ Slick vs. Bam Bam Bigelow w/ Oliver Humperdink Oh gently caress this. I swear, as we transitioned from that stinkhole of an interview to a shot of the One Man Gang in the ring I seriously considered giving up this entire project. I am not John Cena, I can only take so much. It took every ounce of willpower I have to keep going. The match starts and it's the exact same plodding disaster that we saw at Survivor Series. Meanwhile Gino reveals that during his wrestling career he once weighed in at 440lbs. The hell? I thought the rule was wrestlers put on weight when they retire. Bam Bam does a cartwheel and it's a sad state of affairs that this is enough to actually count as noteworthy. Bam Bam hits a couple of headbutts on the Gang and then runs into the ropes. However, Slick pulls them down and Bam Bam tumbles to the outside. Bam Bam gets counted out. Holy poo poo, this show is awful. This was a fuckfest of a match. I would have got more enjoyment from punching myself in the stomach. The Gang is the worst wrestler on the roster and the only push he deserves is off a cliff into the ocean. They put a bit of work into building up Bam Bam at Survivor Series and they just undercut it on their next show. And worst of all, none of this answers the most important question.  Why is Bam Bam hanging out with a tiny ginger man? Save me, Zombie Mean Gene. Only your calm tones can soothe my rage. Zombie Mean Gene is with a plastic-looking Hulk Hogan who will be facing Andre the Giant in the quarter-finals. Both men received a bye in the first round because gently caress you, that's why. Zombie Mean Gene asks him about his upcoming match and Hulk cuts the promo to end all Hulk promos. He vows to end the controversy surrounding their title match by slamming Andre deep into the faultline that will split America in half creating a sea that will drown his enemies and also Trump but it's all right because Trump is a Hulkamaniac so he will flee with his family and Hulk will find them and swim with them all the way over to Hawaii. This is loving nuts and it's loving brilliant. Hulk walks out of frame doing a back swim. God, I want that man's drugs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT9lK9jZ5P0 Rarity fucked around with this message at 07:52 on Aug 28, 2017 |
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Aug 27, 2017 23:17
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