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WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Platypus Farm posted:

And uncle elmer was frequently a guy who just sat on the apron whenever hillbilly jim or another of the hick wrestlers would wrestle, and elmer would just sit there and eat chicken. Really.

that sounds like the best job of all time, I would happily take a WWE paycheck just to sit on the apron and eat chicken

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WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
I'm behind, but this passed without comment largely, and I feel I need to make one:

Rarity posted:

So many questions. Luckily, one of these I have an answer for. This is trash TV talk show host Morton Downey Jr., making an appearance here to meet Vince's celebrity quota. He's smoking as he comes down to the ring and Jesse says that he's “always puffing on that weed”. Holy poo poo, Jesse! You just called someone a drug user on national television! You're wrong, though. That's blatantly just a straight. Love confronts Morton and says that he doesn't love him. Morton retorts that “any guy who wears a skirt I don't want to love me”. FOR gently caress SAKE, NO!

Oh look, here's Piper at last. I no longer care. This segment is already so terrible I just want it to be over. Unfortunately, we're just getting started. Piper comes down to the ring and squares off against Love.

MOST HOMOEROTIC MOMENT

Some Random Fan: “Pull his skirt off!”

Piper intimidates Love by telling him he looks good in a kilt and complimenting his knees and generally hitting on him in that really creepy and controlling way that is purely about making Love feel gay panic. And this is meant to be the loving good guy! Piper calls all Love's gold rings cheap cause their turning his fingers green. All through this Morton is flinging cigarettes at them to Piper's increasing ire. I give you Wrestlemania, ladies and gentlemen!

Piper starts talking about being a true Scotsman and the things they keep up their kilts so Love tries to sneak a glance. Piper slaps his hand away and threatens to bite his face off. Dude, don't incite the gay panic if you can't take the gay panic. Piper wonders what Love keeps his kilt but he knows for sure it can't be balls. Because that would make him a woman and thus weaker, stupider and more emotional and we can't celebrate version of masculinity that don't involve crushing empty beer cans against your head. Piper decides to get a better look so he strips Love's kilt off and he's wearing briefs that are almost as red as his face. Love races to the back in embarrassment while Piper looks proud of himself like the raging dillweed he's definitely just been.


There's nothing wrong with a man in underwear heading up the back entrance

Which brings us and Piper along to Morton, who acknowledges being the focus of the attention by blowing smoke into Piper's face. Guys, I think we've just found the new worst gimmick ever. At least Snitsky's gimmick was just a baby-killing foot fetishist embarrassment. This one is legit going to give Morton cancer. Piper says that the last time he saw Morton he was covered in warts but it turns out Morton's been very charitable by donating these warts to a homeless warthog. Piper refers calls it his girlfriend. Stop trying to be cool, Piper. This segment is making you look just as bad as everybody else.

Morton returns to the subject of kilts and reckons that Piper is a transvestite. For gently caress sake. This is too much for me. This entire thing is just so loving awful and I know it's the 80s and 'people didn't know any better' but that doesn't matter cause it loving shouldn't. I want this to end. I want Morton and Piper to disappear in a cloud of smoke and then Bret Hart's in the ring and he spends fifteen minutes wrestling a baseball bat. That would be better than this.

Despite Piper's requests Morton keeps on blowing smoke in his face. He claims that it's healthy and if he gives it a go Piper can live as long as he has. Which led me into a Google hole that showed in the end Piper didn't live as long as Morton did and now I'm sad because there is no justice. Anyway Piper changes his mind and asks for a smoke but while Morton's got his back turned Piper grabs the fire extinguisher. Morton turns around into a huge spray of steam and gets covered in it while wriggling around awkwardly. Jesse crowns the poo poo topping on this poo poo sundae by saying that Morton might turn into a “bleeding heart liberal”. Like that's a bad thing.

IT'S OVER!

Firstly: the insane awful of this segment is really not shocking when you know who Morton Downey Jr. was. He might legitimately be one of the worst human beings (if he even qualifies as such) to ever be on television, and I'm saying that with Trump actively in mind (there's an argument to be made, in fact, that Downey was basically proto-Trump, but with a talk show instead of political ambitions).

Secondly: Morton was a legit chain-smoker and was very against anti-smoking campaigns, that's not a gimmick. And yeah, it eventually gave him cancer, and there was much rejoicing by all.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

rare Magic card l00k posted:

People have been complaining about WWE needing to think about the future instead of pushing Cena since he was 35.

WCW had people other than Flair, though, at least in those days. He was their top draw, but they weren't completely boned without him.

Meanwhile, if Cena retires or gets a career-ending injury or dies, there's probably no WWE anymore within a year.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
I feel like if one was legit important for an angle, then it should probably be included just so Rarity gets the full idea of what's going on, but otherwise no. So, Rocky 3 and No Holds Barred, and that's it, I'm pretty sure (until Ready to Rumble, if Rarity ever decides to do WCW).

e: aaaaarguably See No Evil but that's a long loving ways off.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Rarity posted:

Um... you get that movies aren't real? ...Right? :ohdear:

i would assume so given that he's complaining about Hulk's ego getting in the way of the movie and associated feud having a sane narrative structure?

WeedlordGoku69 fucked around with this message at 22:11 on Dec 10, 2017

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
Also, wait, his name is Burtus Beefcake? I always thought it was Brutus.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Rarity posted:

Bret decides this is the time to bust out a Phil Collins lyric and quotes that they'll be “two hearts beating as one”.

I have a weird feeling this was supposed to be a pun. Two Harts beating (Demolition up) as one. :haw:

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
Yeah Earthquake loving rules

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Qonas posted:

There was also another skit, I forget if it was Youtube only or not, that saw Ted Sr and Dusty actually commiserate over "how weird our kids are". This was during Cody's mask phase.

... for some reason I thought Cody was Dustin's son and Dusty's grandkid. :ughh: Now that I actually look it up, Dustin would have had to be a teen dad for that to be remotely possible.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
Can we talk about future non-WWF stuff here? I want to mention something about Tugboat/Typhoon, and... okay, there's basically no way in hell Rarity isn't familiar with the moment itself, but it's entirely possible the context would be a semi-spoiler.

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

Rarity posted:

Well... I mean... He's not very good, is he?

is he, like, a technically skilled wrestler? oh holy loving christ no. Sid Vicious might be one of the most limited people ever to get a WWF contract and not have some obvious reason why they're limited (ie Andre being loving massive, Bossman being old, Zeus not actually being a wrestler).

but Sid made up for this with pretty much literally everything else a wrestler can be good at, is the thing. he's like the crowning example of a fantastic wrestler who sucks at actually wrestling, and even if he wasn't entertaining as hell, he'd own for that alone.

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WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747

DeathChicken posted:

I remember Sid once squashed a jobber, the jobber was taken off on a stretcher. Sid heroically volunteered to take the stretcher up the ramp for the paramedics. Then he launched the stretcher back down the ramp and into the ring

see, like, this is the type of thing i'm talking about

Sid was booked in a way that de-emphasized his moveset for the most part, and emphasized the fact that he's scary as all hell

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