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This sack of crap over here, he thinks he's hot poo poo, OK? He's the king of Kish and he's got his frickin bawls out daring somebody to call him on it. Anyway, this jagoff makes a mistake and hires someone with an actual brain to be his capo. In a surprise to absolutely nobody, the new guy figures out there's no margin in bustin yer hump for some cousin[redacted] king in a pisshole full of redneck goat touchers. So the king -- cause he's a huge pussy, did I mention that yet? -- this jabroni king he sends his second in command with a letter over to some hardass friend of his. The letter, get this, the letter says to whack the second in command. But the other guy, he knows not to stick his dick into this bullshit. He shows the working stiff the letter and says, "You get ya frickin foreman and you tell that fatcat boss a yers to [redacted] himself, cause we gotsa union." Waddya think he did, eh? He marches right back up to those inbreds in Kish and he kicks the poo poo outta this king. This dude, he starts a freaking gardener, get's hired to carry water for this goober king, and there his is standing over a dead body in the middle of the freakin court and not for nothing he's feelin the heat. They make him king. Do you know who that guy was? Mutha[redacted] Sargon the Great. |
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Jul 29, 2017 23:01
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 05:47 |
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Fugedaboudit |
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Jul 30, 2017 09:42
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when is the part when he makes an awful youtube channel, that's my favorite part
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Jul 30, 2017 09:44
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Heros? You wannna hear about some freakin' heros den? Ahright, I got one. It's about a yuge friggin' guy, name's Paul. Paul Bunyan. And he had a big axe, right? And a yuge friggin' ox named Babe, got it? Alright, so Paul see had a thing against trees, he was all the time tryin' a chop 'em down, swingin' at dis an' swingin' at DAT thing ovah dere but see he got tired of swingin' that bastid of an axe so he gets tired, see? Yeah, an' he starts draggin' that big sumbitchin' axe of his, right? And since he was draggin' it, it dug right down into the oyth, see? What's dat? What's an "oyth"? I'M TALKIN' ABOUT THE FREAKIN' GROUND YER STANDIN' ON, THE FREAKIN' EARTH YA DUMMY! anyways, he dug a ditch that turned into duh Grand Canyon and I'm done wit dis poo poo because I got the agida ovah here from all the stupid queshuns https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jul 30, 2017 14:01
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Lemme tell ya about all the crazy poo poo Gilgamesh did. This guy, he was mad smart and no doubt, he hit up every country in the goddamn world. He's all up in them mysteries, wisdom, all that secret poo poo. When we was looking for what life was like before the flood, he was like, 'I got you.' and filled us in. Anyway, the story is he schleped all around the way on this whack journey where he got all busted before he got back to his place and wrote it all down all official. First thing is my dude Gilgamesh was a ten. I'm talkin perfect body. I ain't gay, but they say it was Shamash the glorious sun what made him such a hottie, and that seems fitting, because everybody wanted to smash. Some other god named Adad, who ruled over storms or some poo poo, put some mad cojones on this motherfucker - he was brave as all get out. This was one hell of a combo. My man was like a wild bull, he was practically a god. So in the borough, he built up crazy walls - yeah my dude was an engineer, too! -- and a loving temple, all clad in copper like Lady Liberty, no fronting, that poo poo was crazy. Hell, just loving go there dude. Peep the walls, touch the the threshold, and just tell me you don't know just how loving legit my man Gilgamesh was. And when you're finish dicking around, get to the foundation and check it. That poo poo was laid down by the Apkallu, servants of the Ea who loving taught us how to even do this city poo poo. That's how legit Gilgamesh was - Ain't nobody more native to the city than him, he did this poo poo when humanity was thirsty as hell just loving banging rocks together and poo poo. |
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Jul 30, 2017 21:10
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New York mob boss: This guy, this guy, he's going to get some golden fleece or whateva. And I'm like, "hey, jabroni, this is my territory, I do the fleecing around here!"
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Jul 31, 2017 13:05
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Lissen up cuz omma bout ta tell ya some poo poo about my favorite guy, Johnny "Grape Nuts" Appleseed, a fine upstanding kinda guy who was crazy for apples, right? Ok, so this guy goes around eating apples, saving the seeds, and depositing said seeds in such a manner as to make them grow, see? He plants these fuckin' trees everywhere, you see an apple tree not in a grove, he planted it. You see a small group of apple trees sumplace that ain't no grove I'm tellin' ya, it wuz HIM! You see a fuckin' grove of trees, some bastid said "Ol Grape Nuts wuz here I see, gently caress it, omma make a orchard out of it, sell cider in the Fall, and make a killin'!" Apple pie's American because of this entrepreneur, people started making pies left and right badda-boom badda bing and here we are today because of this fuckin guy *dabs at a genuine tear from his eye* ANY QWESHUNZ?!?!
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Jul 31, 2017 16:34
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Splatmaster posted:Lissen up cuz omma bout ta tell ya some poo poo about my favorite guy, Johnny "Grape Nuts" Appleseed, a fine upstanding kinda guy who was crazy for apples, right? Ok, so this guy goes around eating apples, saving the seeds, and depositing said seeds in such a manner as to make them grow, see? He plants these fuckin' trees everywhere, you see an apple tree not in a grove, he planted it. You see a small group of apple trees sumplace that ain't no grove I'm tellin' ya, it wuz HIM! You see a fuckin' grove of trees, some bastid said "Ol Grape Nuts wuz here I see, gently caress it, omma make a orchard out of it, sell cider in the Fall, and make a killin'!" Apple pie's American because of this entrepreneur, people started making pies left and right badda-boom badda bing and here we are today because of this fuckin guy *dabs at a genuine tear from his eye* ANY QWESHUNZ?!?!
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Jul 31, 2017 18:26
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Splatmaster posted:Lissen up cuz omma bout ta tell ya some poo poo about my favorite guy, Johnny "Grape Nuts" Appleseed, a fine upstanding kinda guy who was crazy for apples, right? Ok, so this guy goes around eating apples, saving the seeds, and depositing said seeds in such a manner as to make them grow, see? He plants these fuckin' trees everywhere, you see an apple tree not in a grove, he planted it. You see a small group of apple trees sumplace that ain't no grove I'm tellin' ya, it wuz HIM! You see a fuckin' grove of trees, some bastid said "Ol Grape Nuts wuz here I see, gently caress it, omma make a orchard out of it, sell cider in the Fall, and make a killin'!" Apple pie's American because of this entrepreneur, people started making pies left and right badda-boom badda bing and here we are today because of this fuckin guy *dabs at a genuine tear from his eye* ANY QWESHUNZ?!?! "EY I'M WALKIN HERE" - Johnny fukken Appleseed |
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Jul 31, 2017 21:11
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Splatmaster posted:Lissen up cuz omma bout ta tell ya some poo poo about my favorite guy, Johnny "Grape Nuts" Appleseed, a fine upstanding kinda guy who was crazy for apples, right? Ok, so this guy goes around eating apples, saving the seeds, and depositing said seeds in such a manner as to make them grow, see? He plants these fuckin' trees everywhere, you see an apple tree not in a grove, he planted it. You see a small group of apple trees sumplace that ain't no grove I'm tellin' ya, it wuz HIM! You see a fuckin' grove of trees, some bastid said "Ol Grape Nuts wuz here I see, gently caress it, omma make a orchard out of it, sell cider in the Fall, and make a killin'!" Apple pie's American because of this entrepreneur, people started making pies left and right badda-boom badda bing and here we are today because of this fuckin guy *dabs at a genuine tear from his eye* ANY QWESHUNZ?!?! "I'm sorry was there something about his nuts?" |
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Aug 1, 2017 01:03
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The year is 33XX and the Great Herring War has left the Greater Canadian Empire in ruins. North America is a ragged wasteland ruled by hampirates and cyberthugs. Only one bastion of civilized life remains in the maple-scented ruins: Neo New York. Here a nigh-indestructible band struggles on with only deli cured meats and an inexplicable, but genuine pride in their lovely neighborhood. They keep alive the tattered threads of memory trying in their own strange way to preserve the history of the world. They are the Brooklynites. HEY BOBBY! HEY BOBBY, gedova'ear and shuddup a minute. I got a story fer youse. A story of our people and the old country. Dis here, dis is the promised land, Bobby boy, the beating heart of the fuckin universe. We wadnt always from the block though. No, it's true. Our people were all jacked up on the far side of the bridge. We was nothing, Bobby, and we had nothin. Not only that, this fat pig bossed us around. He was a monster, Bobby. Dey say he was stitched into his clothes like a sausage from Emiliano's on 4th and not even the good ones. This pig, he saw dat nobody but nobody could put up with his poo poo. They wanted out, the was gonna make it. They was gonna make it here in the best place on Earth, BROOKLYN. WAH? Nah he didn't kill em. Who's gonna do the dirty work if he kills em, stupid? Nah, he's a friggin monster. He closes the bridges, Bobby. He traps em in their in his kingdom. Da people, they can't friggin live like this anymore. Wadda they gonna do, go make a life in Jersey City? Might as well jump off da bridge. And dats when a real man comes, King David Sampson. Sampson he's strong as friggin ox, but he's smaht too! He challenges that evil king and wails on him with a freakin donkey's head. Dude's a beast. He parts the traffic, Bobby, and he leads us here to BROOKLYN. Waddya mean what happened to him? Idunno he knocked up some broad or something and his kid took over. Go bother ya mutha, I'm sick a ya. |
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Aug 1, 2017 02:41
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Snake Plissken in "Escape from New York Hero Myths"
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Aug 1, 2017 04:19
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And Queequeg puffed up that hard tatted chest and his speeya when the whale man opened up his big mouf n he yelled, "Whaddayu gonna do wit ddat huh?? NuUUUTHIINN" |
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Aug 2, 2017 00:57
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Mufasa: "One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king." Stampede: "HEY I'M WALKIN HERE" |
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Aug 2, 2017 01:54
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Polyphemus the cyclops, drunk on unmixed wine, bids Odysseus speak his name. Wily Odysseus replies, "Mindyafuggin business." When the giant falls into slumber, Odysseus the mastermind of war rouses his men. Together they take a timber from the burning fire. The timber glowing red hot, the men drive it into the cyclops' lone eye. Polyphemus's cries draw all the other cyclops near. "Who has done this to you, Polyphemus, who drove the light from your eye?" "Mindyafuggin business," he shouts. "See if I help the like of yuse," the others say and depart. |
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Aug 2, 2017 02:50
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aw dez fwiggin Swiss fucgs love William Tell, yea real crazy 'bout 'im. i guess acounta he stared playin da flute, prancin about y'know, like a mufuggin dandy 'n what not, 'guess them Swiss rats musta sucked dat poo poo up cuz next thin ya know he up 'n lead them days right oudda duh fwiggin country. An big whoop i say! when's da bastard gonna get da fuckin rats ouda aw subways huh?? whada dumbass, dat William Tell fug
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Aug 2, 2017 04:33
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Aug 4, 2017 14:48
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 05:47 |
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It has recently come to my attention that some of you may or may not have hoid of dat guy Pecos Bill. I get dat. I do... you wanna be loyal and not rat dis guy out, which is a good ting, for youse. Now lissen up dough, because omma let you in on a liddle secret about dis guy, an how his horse, which was known as Widduh Mayker, for reasons dat should be priddy freakin' apparent so don't even waste my time about it- caused him and his dame some problems. See, Pecos Bill met dis dame named Sluefoot Sue. Giggle and I moider yas... She rode a catfish, right? Down the Rio Grande, which is dis real big river in Texas- and when Pecos Bill saw dis dame it was love at foist sight. 'Cept she played hard ta get, ya know? So anyways he courted her, which is a fancy way of sayin' he was tryin' to get wit her, so he shot out all the stars in the sky, 'cept for dis one... a lone star, ya see? Dat's why dey call it duh Lone Star State, yas understand. Whatever. So anyways dey get married, but Widduh Mayker didn't like Sluefoot Sue at ALL, and nipped at her and tried to kick at her and like dat so she insists on putting her foot down and decides that she's gonna ride Widder Mayker and guess what? YUP! He bucks Sluefoot Sue up inna air and she keeps goin' I poo poo you not and BLAMMO! She hits her head on the freakin' Moon Jackie Gleason would poo poo! So anyways she drops back down to da Oith and her bustle, dat ting dem dames wore back in da day on their asses- hits da ground and bounces Sluefoot Sue back to the Moon! Dis poo poo keeps goin' on for days so Pecos, tinkin' she's gunna starve ta death, lassos her and her bustled rear end back down to da ground with a freakin' rattlesnake named Shake. poo poo. You. Not. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Aug 4, 2017 15:40
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