FactsAreUseless posted:

The story I am about to tell you is true. It's a true story, and it really happened. My name is not important. My name is poo poo Blunderboard, and I'm an ordinary teenage boy, just like you. Two weeks ago, I was having an argument with my mom about going to church. I told her I was an atheist and I read about it online. I told her I didn't want to go to church any more.

"I don't want to go to church anymore," I exclaimed to her.

"You have to go to church, because of otherwise, God will send you to Hell," she advised. I didn't believe her, because I was an atheist now. I stayed home and played atheist video games, such as Minecraft, instead. That night, I went to sleep, which I normally do at night.

"Good night," Mom (Donna) intoned to me. "Don't let the bedbugs bite even though I love you less than your Christian sister now."

Her words stung me, because I didn't like my sister very much, but I liked my mom a lot, even though we had disagreements. I went to sleep that night, as normal. That night, when I went to sleep, I had a dream. I thought it was a dream, but it was actually real. In the dream, I woke up in Hell, instead of my normal bed. But it was worse than I thought. It was scary.

"Welcome to Hell," Satan cried menacingly. He wasn't normal Satan. He was a skeleton Satan, and he had pitchforks instead of normal horns.

"Am I in Hell?" I inquired questioningly. I had always been very curious, which is why I was atheist now.

"Yes," shrieked the skeleton Satan, using heavy metal music instead of normal words. "You are in Hell. Scary Hell, that is!" Satan cackled with laughter, and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard made out of the chalk police use to draw the outlines around dead bodies. I screamed and looked around, sitting up in my bed, which was in Hell now. The sights that I saw shocked me to my eyes.

Instead of normal flames, like what Hell is supposed to have, all the flames were made out of blood. I stood up and looked at the blood flames up close, and I realized that instead of blood cells, the blood was made of tiny demons. The demons had skulls instead of eyes, and they were talking about how God wasn't real. This scared me, because I hadn't gone to church, so I didn't know if they were telling the truth.

"I'm going to torture you now," Satan menaced. I hoped he didn't. But I was wrong. Instead of torturing me normal ways, he made me swim in a pool of skulls. The skulls' teeth scratched me.

"Ouch!" I explained with agony from the skulls in my voice. "I'm so sorry I didn't go to church!" I was sorry I hadn't gone to church.

"You can't go now," Satan informed me. "You're in Hell now." I looked around. Satan was right. This was definitely hell, except instead of normal pitchforks, the demons were holding jack o'lanterns. I screamed when I realized what had happened.

"I'm sorry!" I begged. "I want to go to church instead of Hell!" Just then, Satan picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is Satan," he answered menacingly. "Oh, is this God? Hello, God. Yes, poo poo Blunderboard is here, just like you said. What's that? He wants to go church now so I should send him home? Okay." Satan hung up the phone, which was shaped like a coffin with a skull on it, and dripped blood when he folded it shut. I wondered who he was talking to.

"You have to go home now," Satan mumbled threateningly.

"Okay," I responded with relief. I got back into my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it. Was it a dream? I didn't want to open my eyes, but then I did. What I saw next made me feel relieved.

Instead of being in hell, I was inside of my bedroom. I looked around and it looked normal. Just then, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to church. I said yes.

I still don't know if I believe in God, but I do know that Hell is real. And if there's one thing I know, it's that I believe in God. Please pass on my terrible warning, or else you could end up in Hell also, like I did. Goodbye.