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The story I am about to tell you is true. It's a true story, and it really happened. My name is not important. My name is poo poo Blunderboard, and I'm an ordinary teenage boy, just like you. Two weeks ago, I was having an argument with my mom about going to church. I told her I was an atheist and I read about it online. I told her I didn't want to go to church any more. "I don't want to go to church anymore," I exclaimed to her. "You have to go to church, because of otherwise, God will send you to Hell," she advised. I didn't believe her, because I was an atheist now. I stayed home and played atheist video games, such as Minecraft, instead. That night, I went to sleep, which I normally do at night. "Good night," Mom (Donna) intoned to me. "Don't let the bedbugs bite even though I love you less than your Christian sister now." Her words stung me, because I didn't like my sister very much, but I liked my mom a lot, even though we had disagreements. I went to sleep that night, as normal. That night, when I went to sleep, I had a dream. I thought it was a dream, but it was actually real. In the dream, I woke up in Hell, instead of my normal bed. But it was worse than I thought. It was scary. "Welcome to Hell," Satan cried menacingly. He wasn't normal Satan. He was a skeleton Satan, and he had pitchforks instead of normal horns. "Am I in Hell?" I inquired questioningly. I had always been very curious, which is why I was atheist now. "Yes," shrieked the skeleton Satan, using heavy metal music instead of normal words. "You are in Hell. Scary Hell, that is!" Satan cackled with laughter, and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard made out of the chalk police use to draw the outlines around dead bodies. I screamed and looked around, sitting up in my bed, which was in Hell now. The sights that I saw shocked me to my eyes. Instead of normal flames, like what Hell is supposed to have, all the flames were made out of blood. I stood up and looked at the blood flames up close, and I realized that instead of blood cells, the blood was made of tiny demons. The demons had skulls instead of eyes, and they were talking about how God wasn't real. This scared me, because I hadn't gone to church, so I didn't know if they were telling the truth. "I'm going to torture you now," Satan menaced. I hoped he didn't. But I was wrong. Instead of torturing me normal ways, he made me swim in a pool of skulls. The skulls' teeth scratched me. "Ouch!" I explained with agony from the skulls in my voice. "I'm so sorry I didn't go to church!" I was sorry I hadn't gone to church. "You can't go now," Satan informed me. "You're in Hell now." I looked around. Satan was right. This was definitely hell, except instead of normal pitchforks, the demons were holding jack o'lanterns. I screamed when I realized what had happened. "I'm sorry!" I begged. "I want to go to church instead of Hell!" Just then, Satan picked up the phone. "Hello, this is Satan," he answered menacingly. "Oh, is this God? Hello, God. Yes, poo poo Blunderboard is here, just like you said. What's that? He wants to go church now so I should send him home? Okay." Satan hung up the phone, which was shaped like a coffin with a skull on it, and dripped blood when he folded it shut. I wondered who he was talking to. "You have to go home now," Satan mumbled threateningly. "Okay," I responded with relief. I got back into my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it. Was it a dream? I didn't want to open my eyes, but then I did. What I saw next made me feel relieved. Instead of being in hell, I was inside of my bedroom. I looked around and it looked normal. Just then, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to church. I said yes. I still don't know if I believe in God, but I do know that Hell is real. And if there's one thing I know, it's that I believe in God. Please pass on my terrible warning, or else you could end up in Hell also, like I did. Goodbye. |
# ¿ Jul 31, 2017 17:30 |
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# ¿ Apr 23, 2024 11:14 |
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cda posted:I always thought I was a tough guy who could deal with Hell. I like being poked by pitchforks. I like swimming in lakes of fire and rolling boulders up hills. I'm basically like those guys from Jackass, but when they get hit in the nuts, they wince, but when I get hit in the nuts, I laugh. |
# ¿ Jul 31, 2017 21:08 |
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"Heck yes, Brendify, we can have pre-marital sex!" said Johmbel in a horny way. "The Bible was actually written by Greeks." "That makes sense," said Brendify, becoming naked at that point. Just then, Scary Satan appeared in the room. Instead of a cloud of smoke, he showed up in a cloud of bees, and the bees had spiders for wings. Scary Satan looked like two Freddy Kreugers. "Uh-oh," said Johmbel and Brendify together, nakedly. |
# ¿ Jul 31, 2017 21:21 |
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Scramuel had been out committing sins all day, and he was very thirsty, because it was in the summer and it's important to stay hydrated. He went to the refrigerator and opened it. Instead of normal lemonade inside, it was Scary Satan. Scary Satan cackled like a witch made out of blood orphans. "This is because sin," stated Satan. "Okay," said the terrified and frightened Scramuel. He closed the fridge. That's when he saw it, a thing that terrified and frightened him. On the fridge was a post-it note. The note said "You're in Hell now" and then Scramuel looked around and the kitchen sink was on fire. |
# ¿ Aug 1, 2017 12:17 |
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cda posted:From The Scary Inferno, Canto I |
# ¿ Aug 2, 2017 00:22 |
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After nine months of agonizing, Tiffanorp had made her decision. She was going to murder her pre-marital sex baby, a process that so-called "doctors" call abortion. Tiffanorp was at the murder doctor's office when the nurse called her name. Only the nurse wasn't the nurse, she was a devil/demon. "Huh?" moaned Tiffanorp nervously. That's when she noticed it. She looked around, and saw that instead of People magazine in the lobby, they had Peep-Hell magazine, and all the celebrities on the cover were hyper-realistic and had blood everywhere. |
# ¿ Aug 3, 2017 14:06 |
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Splatmaster posted:In Scary Hell you don't get to talk to a social worker- you ARE the social worker "I'm not really qualified to address this," said Spamfloribel Jockman. "I was a painter who made non-religious works of art." That's when Spamfloribel noticed it. She looked around, and saw the sign on her desk that said she was a psychiatrist now. The sign was written on bones, and the letters were made out of teeth, and the teeth had blood on them. |
# ¿ Aug 3, 2017 15:29 |
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Putty posted:I used to go to shop at Costco daily for great goods at lower prices. It is also where I ate lunch because I could get an even better deal eating all the free samples than going to buy food at an inferior place of commerce. People called me smart and efficient for this and I was very popular with lots of friends. I remember that one day, shopping cart loaded with Kreuig Cup boxes, where I had the idea to get a free sample from the same stand TWICE. My favorite stand was the cheese cube one, which was at the back end of the building. Since I am very smart, I sampled some cheese then walked counter-clockwise around the whole store back to the stand because I am genius. The kind sample lady who was smiling did not recognize me, so I took this chance and get more cheese. |
# ¿ Aug 3, 2017 20:12 |
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# ¿ Apr 23, 2024 11:14 |
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lumpanoodle posted:cmon man, if you're gonna rework dante's hendecasyllabic poem structure for the lawls you have to know that PURGATORY is where you push boulders up hills. Hell is where people get buried under ice for eternity, wade in endless pools of poo poo, drown in pools of boiling hot pitch forever, get thrown around in the air by an endless tornado, walk in never-ending circles with their heads turned backwards, lay prostrate on burning hot desert sands while being rained on by fire, etc etc. the divine comedy is one of my all-time favorite works of literature |
# ¿ Aug 5, 2017 22:23 |