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LGD
Sep 25, 2004



Skag


Skag glowers as he joins the northerner behind the lawyer and whispers to him.

"Odd for me to be saying this, but violence isn't going to get us what we need. Sure it might be fun, but then where would we be? Besides I might get me some of that cobbler's shoes, that's style you don't see very often. Wonder what else he can make shoes out of? Wish I had some proper hobnailed boots like you get back home though."

Skag lets out a sigh, briefly rubbing his bare chin, before snatching his hand away and glowering even harder.

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Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Hanging back with the Norscan, Cat's face uncontrollably contorts into a look of horror as she experiences the full olfactory and visual assault of the peasantry of Craecheur. She lets out a soft, "By Hyacinth's teat, they gotta be fuckin' the frogs." After a moment of quietly reflecting on the choices that led her to this moment, she clears her throat and says with some attempt at good cheer, "Yeh, we can kill poo poo real good. Took down a packa deadies down the way all easy-like."

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

Jotunn shakes his head at the scene in front of them. When Gunnbjorn speaks, Jotunn finds himself nodding. "Ain't too keen on killing villagers, but I get your sentiment. I've never more wished I'd never left home, and I've been in some pretty low situations since coming into human territory. And I will tell you this, I've never been lower, and humankind has never been so detestable, uh no offense to my comrades here."

The Dwarf certainly doesn't care if he offends the locals.

Sormus
Jul 24, 2007

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Greyleaf

"Before we kill everyone, burn their houses and salt the earth. Should we ask them if they've seen the LeBeau person?"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



The peasant's conversation stops when Archibald speaks up, and there is a pregnant pause as Marfe and the frogwives study the interrupting group. Ger's face cracks into a large smile and she moves forward, cooing and fawning over the Halfling. "Will ya lookit this HANDSOME little man, bless my eyes! Been a snail's age since I seent someone half as handsome." She tries to give her most girlish and infectious smile to the lawyer, but her lack of teeth and her apparently advanced age ruin any charm she might be going for. Floupe, meanwhile, rolls her eyes and shakes her head, muttering to herself as she continues to gut frogs.

Marfe, meanwhile, strolls over with his hands on his hips, studying the group of adventurers with a discerning eye. He especially takes note of Cat's little speech and casts a long stare at both Gunnbjorn and Skag, his face betraying the fact the peasant is trying his hardest to think and process what's going on before him. After a minute, he grins, spreading his arms wide. "On behalf of our beautiful village, let me be the one to offer you the shelter of me hearth and home, and the delicacy of me apples; I know people forn to Mousillon aren't too fond of our snails and frogs." He motions to the largest, least ramshackle and muddy house in the village, where a comely looking woman by Mousillon standards is picking the low hanging apples from a tree. "That's Tuube, me wife. "

He waits a moment before his smile fades. "I've also got some business to discuss with the lot of ye." At this, Ger looks up from her fawning over the litigant, casting the evil eye at Marfe. "Marfe, don't you dare try to con this handsome man and his friends into messin' with Puanteure! Ain't their business and ain't their place!" Marfe wheels on her, his voice rising to a boom once again.

"Woman, they got armor and they got weapons! And they ain't us!" He motions to the Henri. "Hell, that one's COVERED in metal armor! They ain't gonna be afeared of no half-wit idjit with a sharp stick!"

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

At the words of the decrepit peasant Jotunn points at the litigator and bursts into a fit of laughter, talking in between chuckles and snorts, "Half as handsome! Half. As handsome! She said half as handsome, and you're a HALF-ling. Half! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

"Quite. Original."

Never heard that before. have I. Ignore and move on. he thinks to himself. Handsome was not a word he was useful, but in current company, he could see how it applied.

"So, how can we help you fine folks? A land dispute? matrimonial disparities? Bandits?"

Archibald felt quite happy with himself as he slipped the real reason they were in amongst the chaff.

mcclay
Jul 8, 2013

Oh dear oh gosh oh darn



Gunnbjorn Magnusson

Gunnbjorn puts his head in his hands for a second and grimaces.
"Ancestor's watch over me, shes going to either eat or gently caress the drat halfman."

He is, however, a Norscan and thus knows the importance of hospitality.
"We would be...glad to rest a night in your village. We have several questions about an escaped bandit from outside this Mooseland, perhaps we can help each other, yes?"

Sormus
Jul 24, 2007

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Greyleaf

"I have a sneaking suspicion all the houses have frog skin wallpaper. I would appreciate if someone of you told me if I was right tomorrow. I'll.. go sleep in the trees or whatever you think elves do"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



Marfe gives Archibald a sour look, partly due to Ger trying to run her fingers through his hair and partly due to his comments. "Ain't no land disputes out here, lad. Them smug arseholes over in Puanteure gots themselves a pig and they lord it over us poor folks. Rich bunch of cunts, they is." He sniffs in derision, folding his arms across his chest. At the mention of a bandit passing through Mousillon, Archibald notices Ger hesitate; she bites her shriveled old lip and steps back from Archibald, smoothing out her robe. "Sorry, sir, bit of the young maiden in me showin' at such a handsome devil of a man. Pardon me." If Marfe notices the change in her demeanor, he says nothing of it.

"How's about this, then. You help us, we help you. Someone in the village might know about this bandit yer huntin', but they won't talk without me say-so." Floupe glowers at Marfe as he says this, and the burly man clears his throat. "Or the say-so of Ger and Floupe. Here, lemme bring some of me hospitality to ya. OI! TUUBE! BRING ME A BASKET OF ME APPLES, WOMAN!"

A moment later and Marfe's wife shuffles up, holding a basket with a blanket thrown over the top to keep the bugs at bay. She smiles warmly, amazingly having most of her teeth, and pulls the blanket aside to offer the bounty of Marfe's orchard. The basket is filled with small, wizened green apples tinged red at spots. She plucks one from the basket with a free hand and offers it to Greyleaf, still smiling. "G'on, sir. Try me wife's apples. They'll change yer mind on our humble little village, I assure you."

For Greyleaf, if he eats the apple: Your opinion of the 'humble little village' most assuredly does not change, and likely worsens, if at all possible. The tiny little apple is an affront to fruit as you have known it. It is amazingly small, incredibly sour, and somehow grainy, dry, and mushy at the same time. It is entirely an unpleasant thing you have bitten into, and Marfe and Tuube both look to you expectantly for your reaction.

If Greyleaf declines: "Well then, any of you lads and ladies are welcome to 'em. Yer ol' sourpuss of a friend 'ere ain't much of a conny-sewer of fruit, it seems." Basically the same result as if Greyleaf ate it, but you may be more inclined to more politely describe the apple than he would.

Sormus
Jul 24, 2007

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Greyleaf

The elf carefully examines the apple given and takes a large bite out of it.
He appears to savor the taste as he chews the unique texture.

"Oh my word, this is just the most delicious apple I have ever tasted. he beams.
"Gents, I do believe you really need to give them a try."

mcclay
Jul 8, 2013

Oh dear oh gosh oh darn



Gunnbjorn Magnusson

Gunnbjorn grimaces, bites into the apple and spends a few seconds feeling slightly unhappy.

"Jag har ätit ruttande kött bättre än detta äpple."
The Norscan then gives the villagers a slightly strained grin and eats the entire rest of the thing, core and all.

wiegieman
Apr 22, 2010


Royalty is a continuous cutting motion


Henri de Vienne


Henri can't believe his ears. "Have you all gone mad? Are we actually bargaining with these peasants? You will tell me what I want to know, and you will do it before I lose my temper and draw my blade, or, Lady help me, erect a gibbet with my own hands!" Getting his affronted noble privilege slightly under control (this is Mousillon, he tells himself, they don't know any better) he continues on. "Now, we are here on the order of His Grace Duke Adalhard himself in pursuit of a fugitive from the King's justice. Have you seen a man with two missing fingers come through this village or not?"

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Cat looks at Greyleaf for a moment, curiously, then bites down on one of the apples. Almost immediately, the color fades from her face. You can almost track her internal processes through the stages of grief, though the peasants are almost as assuredly absorbed in Henri's threats of aggravated assault and likely successful murder. She finally lets out a small sob as she finishes the bite and, after a moment to regain her composure, shoots Greyleaf a baleful look.

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

Well, so much for the subtle approach. It looks like these villagers are not as stupid as they looked. Not that anyone could realistically be considered to be that stupid. Greyleaf seems to be under the impression that the rest of group would not notice that these were obviously some form of crab apple and fit only for the consumption of swine.

"Sir Knight, what else do you suggest? slaughtering the whole village for being isolated and naive to the ways of the world? He asks Henri. "Would it not be better to win their good graces and then reap the benefits? People are much more likely to give good information to those they have good will towards than those they react to out of fear alone."

He turns to the villagers and puts on his best smile. straightening his coat somewhat in a habit learned from years in the courts.

"Mr Marfe. I am struggling to grasp the complexities of this case, but I understand the need for quid pro quo. If you could tell us what it actually is you need us to do, then we would do all in our power to settle your ills. Then any aid in tracking down our bandit prey that you can give would be gratefully appreciated.



turning on the old lawyer charm.

charm, target 42 = 43!

Curses. So close, one to many big words. Unless I can get a bonus for being so drat pretty in their eyes.

Also a quick cooking roll for the apples = 63.

LGD
Sep 25, 2004



Skag


Skag looks at Greyleaf dubiously and then takes a large bite from the apple. He momentarily pauses, and then eats the rest in three quick bites.

"Ah, you are certainly correct my Elvish friend, these are truly exceptional fruits. I can think of a few brewmasters back home who would be amazed at the properties of these apples. After a suitable period of fermentation I'm sure they would make a wondrously useful liquid."

LGD fucked around with this message at Sep 3, 2017 around 01:22

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

Jotunn takes a bite from the apple, and then immediately spits it out onto the ground. "You dirty Elgi! I've had the Chuf of a dead man more appetizing than this. The Drengi is right, you could only use these apples after a brewmaster got his hands on it, and even then the resulting liquid could only be used to clean Thaggoraki blood from a blade, and not a blade you're too fond of!"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



Jotunn is the final straw, and Marfe throws his hands up in frustration. "I offer you the finest this town has to offer, offer you a spot in front of my hearth, and this! This is how you repay me!" The man tugs at his beard with a growl, stomping his feet and just generally throwing a hissy fit. "My apples are a DELIGHT! A. DELIGHT." He wheels on Ger and Floupe, gesturing at the adventurers with an open hand. "I can't deal with such rudeness! The ironclad one has a stick up his arse and the hairy midget spits out the finest apples in the two villages! YOU deal with them! We need to be rid of Impeatrice, and they can help, BUT I WILL NOT DEAL WITH SUCH RUDE IDIOTS." Marfe casts a furious glare at Henri and snorts, his nostrils flaring as he turns and stomps back to his house.

Ger and Floupe share a nervous glance and shrug at one another, sitting back down to continue shelling snails and gutting frogs. The other peasants, seeing that most of the excitement is over, cast a few curious glances at the adventuring group before continuing about their day, most of which involves heading off to tend the to horrible fields or out hunting more snails and frogs. Only the stout looking girl from before sticks around, and she takes a circuitous route to the group, glancing to make sure no one else in town is watching. She clears her throat and gives a slight bow. "M'name's Eep. Best Swampiare around either town. Um.. I heard Marfe speaking to you, hard as it would be not to, and.. he wants you to kidnap that pig, right?"

"Erm, I don't know how wise it'd be to anger the pig. See, uhm, there's a man out there, I overheard him a month or two back, mumblin' to himself because the pig were askin' him to kill folks. Called the big the Black Pig, an' I reckon she IS the avawhatsit of the Black Pig." She looks sheepish for a moment, before pressing on. "I know I was too far out and swampin' too close to their town, but that man is crazy. If'n he's right, then kidnappin' the pig from where she's comfy is gonna anger the Black Pig, an' if he's wrong, then he's a crazy git who's gonna be murderin' folks. Either which way, that ain't right!"

Nearby, Floupe's ear turns back to the group, though she doesn't make any sign she's listening or paying attention.

mcclay
Jul 8, 2013

Oh dear oh gosh oh darn



Gunnbjorn Magnusson

Gunnbjorn is actually impressed by how well they hosed up.
"Good going 'Knight', I'm sure the peasants were very impressed by how petulant you were."

The girls words make the Norscan's face grow hard and he nods a little.
"Girl, tell me everything you know about this 'Black Pig'. Is it usually surrounded by men that have the features of animals or any other sort of foulness?"

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

"Kidnap. A. Pig?" Dreams of heroic missions drain from Archibalds mind. "What do you want us to do, throw a bag over its hgead, chuck it in the back of a cart and speed off?"

When Eep continues his face sours. "Oh, so not just any old pig but one that may ebt he avatar for a local spirit or demi god. Excellent. I can imagine mt gravestone already. 'here lies Archibald Middlemoot. The bacon got him first.'"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



Eep stares at the stern faced berserker for a moment before clearing her throat. "The Black Pig of the Woods is a evil spirit of Mousillon, what stalks the forests when the green moon hangs low and urges the poor folks to kill each other in its name, and gorin' and tramplin' those who won't. She's the dark side of the Grand Sow, an' that man I heard is bein' whispered to by the Black Pig, an' he thinks that hog of theirs at Puanteure is the Black Pig." She shrugs. "They know I ain't one of them so I don't get too close, an' I never saw the man, jus' heard him. Don't know about no animal looks, though."

The woman looks down at Archibald in confusion. "No, no! Kidnappin' that pig is jus' gonna make the Black Sow mad and bring doom on us all! You need to either kill that pig or convince Marfe to drop his drat crusade, or it'll be the end of us all!"

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Cat, having finally regained her composure post-apple, perks up, "Well, if huntin' the fat sow's whatcher after, we could probably take it down all easy-like from a distance. Ain't no expert on animal-people whatsits, but iffen the Norscan is gettin' all antsy, it probably ent worth takin' a chance on." She taps her chin thoughtfully, then looks at the dwarves and Henri before looking back at Eep. "That Marfe fellow didn't much seem like he's likin' our band. We take care o' this, y'think y'can put in a word f'r us with them frogwives so we can hear what we're needin' ta hear?"

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

The Dwarf insincerely waives goodbye to Marfe as he storms off, and spends more time trying to spit the taste of apple out of his mouth. As the peasant starts going on about sows and evil Black pigs, Jotunn can't help but sigh heavily. "Now what does all this have to do with finding that blasted thief? This whole land is a shithole, and killin' some Black Pig likely won't be an improvement. If none of these folks know where the thief is, and is offering to tell us in exchange for kidnapping or killing a pig or whatever this filthy creature is going on about, then to the dirt with all of 'em and lets continue on. We'd be doing this on the off chance that one of the villagers might know something, and might say something with Marfe's blessing. Or am I missin' something?"

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

"That seems to be about the size of it Jotunn." Archibald Sighs. "Let me talk to Marfe, I may be able to convince him this is a bad idea."

He walks off in the direction Marfe had stormed off. trying to catch up with the Apple Baron.

"Apple Baron! Mr Marfe! Wait up!" He shouts.


If I can catch up with him, I'm going to try and charm him into dropping this idea.

mcclay
Jul 8, 2013

Oh dear oh gosh oh darn



Gunnbjorn Magnusson


"I'm going to go kill that pig."
The bersekrer glares at the rest of the group as they try to weasle out of this.
"Theres a godsdamned Beastman or avatar of Them or whatever sneaking around this swamp. I've seen what They do to people like this. I won't have Mousillion be turned into another damned Norsca. I'm going to go take that Pig's head and dare its master to come face me, and to the Winds with the lot of you if you wish to be cowards. I thought you of all of us dwarf wouldn't shrink back like a simpering school girl."

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

"Ain't simpering lad, it's economics." Jotunn pats his coin purse. "My motivations on this journey are more mercenary in nature. We're going to get paid to catch this thief. I'll do anything leads us to him. Right now we have been told a villager might, I stress might, know his location. And we'll get this maybe information for snatching or killing this pig. If someone told us they knew for sure then I'd be your one man shield wall. But every minute we spend on this nonsense is another the bandit gets a lead on us. The demon will be here on the way back. Hell, you can raise a levy of troops from the land we'll get and come back and crusade for all I care! And if the coin is good, I'll join ya!"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



As a note, you all have literally no loving clue where he might have gone and only Henri is likely to have even an inkling of how Mousillon is laid out.

If you don't want to help the peasants and aren't sure if they actually know if he passed through, remember: there IS another village, and he had to pass through one of these two villages. You know that much.

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Cat shrugs, then walks over to stand next to the berserker, "I ent afeared of some pig. Let's take a look around tha other village, see what they know, and feather the black snufflin' withen some arrows on our way out. Sounden as though they've seen our man here and I ent about to say no to a lead in this..." She waves her hand at the... scenic... Moussilon landscape.

Sormus
Jul 24, 2007

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Greyleaf

The elf casually swipes some handfuls of these delicious apples that the uncultured companions of his had thrown away.
He carefully double wraps them in his bag, making sure they dont touch any of his actual foodstuffs.

"Sure, lets go kill that swine. I'm sure that town can't be any worse than.. this place is"

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

Archibald gives up on chasing the baron.

"Okay. Lets go make some evil bacon!"

wiegieman
Apr 22, 2010


Royalty is a continuous cutting motion


Henri de Vienne

Henri throws up his hands in exasperation. "Fine! We'll go tromping around in the swamp for Lady knows how long, looking for a demon pig that doesn't exist! Ungrateful peasants."

Grey Hunter
Oct 17, 2007

Your friendly croctopus overlord LP'er


Archibald Middlemoot

"Do you mean us or them?"

Sormus
Jul 24, 2007

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Greyleaf

"Surely it can be both?"

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

"Y'know, I hear it ent good fer yer humours to be so riled all the time, Ser Henries." Cat rubs her hands together, almost visibly salivating at the thought of a decent meal. "I bet a roast pig'd sort ya out right quick."

Werix
Sep 13, 2012

#acolyte GM of 2013


Jotunn Heavy-Hand

Jotunn throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Fine! nothing I'd love more than risking my neck for these arseholes. This daemon pig better at least be a bit of a challenge. Or I want me money back."

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?





After a short march around the bog that only takes about two hours, the adventurers find themselves marching through a thin, cloying mist that emits from the bog and hovers over the town of Puantuere itself. Much like its sister village, the tiny little peasant town the group finds themselves in is a complete shithole. Off to the one side, near the bog itself, a man stands singing to himself atonally, stirring a giant pit in which two other peasants are currently dumping their buckets of frog guts into. Unlike Creacheur, the hovels here are built around a central, muddy square rather than being clumped close together, and here the majority of the town sits, gutting frogs and shelling snails, or in the case of a few peasants, simply staring blankly at the mud.

Off to the west, snorting and rooting around in the mud, is the pig that has caused the feud between the two villages. Two moronic looking peasants stand lazily by the pen, holding sharpened sticks and chatting between themselves, one with a digit firmly in his nose two knuckles deep. The other peasant seems disgusted by this, but the arrival of the adventurers draws his attention away from his disgusting friend and he goes quiet; his friend seems not to notice and continues to jabber away.


The bearded one is the one who is not utterly disgusting.

Most of the village seems to ignore the new arrivals, but a tiny man, looking ancient beyond anything possible for a human, slowly cranes his neck to the north, a smile splitting his leathery face. For his posture and his appearance, the man could well be a humanoid turtle, save for his eyes that are tinged with insanity.

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Leading the pack of miscreants, Cat's eyes lit up as she perceived the horrible man-turtle abomination. She said softly to her companions, "This'n is probably some sort of turtlehusband, iffen I'm understandin' the way of things around here! Let's roll him for some information afore we handle that black pig thingum." Then, with as much pomp and self-importance as a three-foot-nothing halfling could manage, she marched up to the hideous ancient being, looked him in the eye, and said, "Ho, Elder Turtle! Have you been seein' a band pass through these parts? Gruff chap, missin' some fingers?"

John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?



The old man shakes with palsy as he cranes his head towards Cat, every tendon and muscle in his ancient body creaking and groaning with the effort. His right eye is much larger than his left, and it rolls in its socket as he tries to focus on the little halfling. He runs a pointed and greying tongue over his dry, cracked lips, giving her a broad, toothless grin.

With great effort, he finally speaks, his voice rough with age. "Who the fook you callin' a turtle, ye gobshite? Fookin' lil' tit, insultin' 'er elders an' bein' a lil' turd. Fook you." He cackles at this, resting his hands on his knees as he leans forward. "Wi' the pleasantries ow' o' the way, me name's Blug." His eye roams over the other adventurers before settling back on Cat. "Wot's a bunch of outsiders wantin' in me lil' slice of heaven?"

Tricky
Jun 12, 2007

after a great meal i like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage




Cat Hogberry-Patch

Cat chortles as the ancient relic barrages her with profanity. She turns to the rest of the group, patting whoever's nearest on the leg, and in an exaggerated whisper says, "This bloke is a real riot, he is! Reminds me of my great-grandpappy after he's had a few too many mugs 'o ale. Lemme handle 'im." She peeks back over at Blug and says, "There's this real tough customer, a bandit whatsit, and word is he passed through town a while back. He ent got all his fingers, but he's a big ol' manling like yerself. Ye seen anything or know who might've? We're fixin' to take him in."

Tricky fucked around with this message at Sep 13, 2017 around 02:29

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wiegieman
Apr 22, 2010


Royalty is a continuous cutting motion


Henri de Vienne

Well, there's nothing for it. Henri has to speak with the other group of dreadful peasants. "You there... man. We are, apparently, searching for a terrible daemonic boar. We are also searching for a vicious thief and criminal, a man missing two fingers on his left hand who passed through here recently. Have you seen them?"

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