- Adbot
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Apr 25, 2024 07:09
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- Macnult
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it costs extra for no avocado
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Sep 12, 2017 04:37
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- Macnult
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instead of your name on the coffee cup they write your instagram handle, spelled correctly obviously. what do you think this is, Starbucks? ha
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Sep 12, 2017 04:39
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- Macnult
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The cafe's bookshare has Rupi Kaur's Milk and Honey on display, right next to a copy of Infinite Jest with an incredibly worn cover despite its new book smell.
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Sep 12, 2017 04:49
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- Tebulot
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im hip now bois
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You can only pay in the smallest denomination of coins
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Sep 12, 2017 11:23
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- Tebulot
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im hip now bois
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The only music is 'Rock Lobster' on repeat
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Sep 12, 2017 11:23
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- Tebulot
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im hip now bois
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All the staff wear groucho marx glasses
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Sep 12, 2017 11:25
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- Madame Psychosis
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Photographer that goes from table to table offering commemorative Instagram posts and keychains.
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Sep 12, 2017 19:58
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- LastGoodBoy
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Keep your mind be open window everyday
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The cafe has no name, just a symbol, and it's on a sign, just not on the building. You can only find the sign on a bathroom stall wall in a truck stop 20 miles away.
High on the hog, 90's style.
 
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Sep 12, 2017 23:41
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- sebmojo
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Legit Cyberpunk
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the eggs come inside the chickens
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Sep 12, 2017 23:53
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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Waiters have to have at least four pieces of face jewelry. The host supplies stick on tattoos if you're not up to dress code.
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Sep 13, 2017 01:29
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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The water is bacon infused, but they do not sell bacon.
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Sep 13, 2017 01:30
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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The bay area stores serve all their food in sealed, proprietary pouches. You have to cook the meal at home yourself and the device costs four thousand dollars.
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Sep 13, 2017 01:32
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- LastGoodBoy
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Keep your mind be open window everyday
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No one knows where the cafe is located, as it moves hourly.
High on the hog, 90's style.
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Sep 13, 2017 05:07
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- wearing a lampshade
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"excuse me, you're in Mr Armisen's light, do you mind moving to your designated placement with the other extras?"
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Sep 13, 2017 17:25
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- wearing a lampshade
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I walk into the diner that is absolutely normal and plain in every way, order bad coffee that's been sitting all day, and eat eggs with pale yolks and plastic-like whites. "It's not terrible, it's authentic." I repeat to myself under my breath, as the server misses my coffee mug and pours coffee that is surely not free trade or single origin on my burnt toast, surely bought in bulk from a nondescript wholesaler, and absolutely not fresh since last month. "I'll be the first person to think this place is cool," as I whip out my phone to write down a four star yelp review using the words "homey" and "honest" in the description.
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Sep 13, 2017 17:32
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- FactsAreUseless
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- The only album the cafe plays is The Offspring's "Smash"
- Want to get in, have to prove I'm "down with the clown."
- All the baristas are from Laos
- Only serve decaf instant Folgers
- The mayor is here every day to play Parcheesi with the owner
- Child in the corner watching Power Rangers on her phone each morning
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Sep 13, 2017 22:15
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- alnilam
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- The mayor is here every day to play Parcheesi with the owner
Every day the mayor comes in to continue a game of parcheesi with the owner. They have agreed that should the owner lose, he will have to pay his massive tax bill. But the owner knows he will lose. Heis really trying to distract the mayor from the tailor amd dry cleaner next store run by a young poor couple, who also owe a lot to the city but really can't afford it. One day the tailor couple sees the mayor dancing over the hill holding hands with the hipster cafe owner abd his wait and kitchen staff all holding hands in a chain
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Sep 13, 2017 22:27
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- HotSoapyBeard
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I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
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Can't wait to tuck into this bowl of imported pour-over cheerios. The grains used to make the cereal were eaten then pooped out by a cat in Burma.
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Sep 13, 2017 22:39
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 25, 2024 07:09
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- Kthulhu5000
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by R. Guyovich
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Its menu is free-range high pH "green yolk" organic eggs, heart-shaped hash browns made from fair-wage "kissed earth" techno-Amish farmed blood potatoes, and gently threatened farm-to-table bacon like every other boutique cafe in Portland. But the waiter has his KuroNippon-dyed hair slicked back with vazza, Coke bottle glasses with lenses ground from the actual bottoms of green Coke bottles, a pimple ring on his nose, an open vest like that of the titular character in Disney's 1992 Aladdin, and a narrow little pubic trail crawling out of the waist of his "upsized" children's Sesame Street denim jeans from the 1970s.
Oh, and his long and wispy rat-tail beard is trailing through the store-brand catsup on your hash browns, while his bronze "Weyland Iowa High School 1991 Wrestling Regionals" medal around his neck repeatedly smacks your spouse in the face as he's refilling your Ceylon-blown glasses with Cl-treated Bull Mountain agua de grifo.
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Sep 14, 2017 03:44
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Sep 12, 2017 01:12
