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Dwarven Flood Control And The Engoblinization of the Working Clans "Every mine begins with stone and ends with water. Miserable, tiresome pumping keeps the shafts clear and the mushplots budding. Spurned by most as "goblin work" the pump stations must be fed and that unhappy lot falls to the most vulnerable clans." Interplanar Shipping Insurance and the Origins of Wizard Capitalism "Nothing enchants the Realm as surely as the lonely vigil of the Spherescouts. From the elemental planes to the conceptual spaces, the Scouts run every risk to pry their cargo from a dangerous multiverse. Their tolerance for risk, we are told, built our world. Not so. Interplanar trade only became practicable when Loyd's of Lothlorien taught the world to think in terms of risk management. Insurance, boring as it seems, is the true magic of economic growth." A Short History of Mana "In every age the state of witchcraft creates a practical relation between laboring subjects and their mystical artifacts. The movement of mana into artifacts determines the shape of the productive economy. The movement of artifacts between classes determines the extractive economy. In every Age, the person who collects the artifacts interprets the world to name his loot as justice. Political economy is nothing other than the study of objective mana relations: It is the search to see the labor behind the loot." |
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Sep 21, 2017 03:19
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 12:53 |
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Creation science, but it's literally the science of creating new lifeforms. Every high school student has to take it and most of them just make a duckrabbit for the easy A. |
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Sep 21, 2017 03:51
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Necromancy for the Lovelorn! "In this society we have, there's a lot of need for love. From the wife who misses her husband, to the desperate incel. Here at N for the L, we can solve all these problems! We have several packages, for both the living, and the dead! For the adventurer, we recommend "What's mine will be Whoevers" package! We pay you, NOW, just so we can use your body later! No frills about it. After you die, you'll be reanimated with a magical personality put in your body! It's not your consciousness or soul we need - Just the spare parts! For the lovelorn, we can offer several packages. Our most popular is for those deeply in love. Sign a contract with your spouse, do a cute little blood oath, and abracadabra! Whenever the first one of you dies, they'll be resurrected with their mind fully intact - Or at least as intact as it was before they went and died! Another option quickly growing in popularity is for those Witches and WIzards that just can't find the one. We can provide them with the one! Sure they might be a little rough around the edges, but you'll have your very own Zombie Bride in no time! Our Igors are highly trained, and any corpse you loved forever or have fallen in love with will be returned to TIP TOP shape!" It's all deals here at N for the L! Maybe a few with the devil, but most for saving your coin! Come on up to the tower of Necromantic Arts and speak with an associate today!"
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Sep 21, 2017 03:56
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"In other news, radical environmentalists raided an alchemical testing facility last night freeing the test subjects. Opponents have long argued that gnome testing is cruel. Proponents counter that gnome testing allows medical alchemy to advance faster than ever before. Joining me now, Dr. Honorious Flumf, Chief Crone of Research at St. Cuthbert's Teaching College." |
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Sep 21, 2017 03:58
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Save The Tree Of Life! Overlogging by the OrkCo subsidiary TreeSmashers Inc has eaten it's way through the Mystic Forest all the way up to the Great Tree of Life Yggdrasil at the center and are currently in talks with the government for a permit to cut it down. OrkCo had this comment to make "Well ah' mean- eez jus' on' big tree. Whas' the 'arm in cuttin' it down, yeah? Mohr wood means mohr dwarfy gadgets and such. Even them Elves need wood for them fancy clocks and magic stuffs that theys always be workin' on." "But sir, aren't you concerned that cutting down the tree of life could mean the end of life as we know it?" "'ey, eez not my job to philosophize. 'Dems the works of those eggheads up top." "But aren't you what would be considered up top?" "Roight, this inta-view is ovah." e: eh I guess this isn't exactly like the OP title but I thought it was funny.
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Sep 21, 2017 04:06
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Werner Herzog, but in a pointy hat, "There is nothing so cruel or mysterious as the Owlbear." |
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Sep 21, 2017 04:09
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Starman Super DX posted:e: eh I guess this isn't exactly like the OP title but I thought it was funny. Reporting is frontline research. Anything that turns a serious eye toward the Enchanted Realms is academic while much that passes for thought in the Ivory Towers is mere entertainment. |
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Sep 21, 2017 04:12
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Alarmist dryads, after a stunning legal victory regarding the Yggdrasil Property Rights suit OrkCo v Life, spout off about Disenchantment Effects resulting from over dependence on preserved-bones energies by Realms inhabitants, claim it as cause in uptick of chaos storms and encroaching insatiable void. Mindflayer analysts working with the Hermitage Foundation and Fright-Heart scrying journal counter these extreme views in their new paper: "BLACH FRKKH CT'HU CT'HU DAGON"
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Sep 21, 2017 04:33
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Happy halloween
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A Heart Filled With Fire: The Goblin Experience Reconsidered The average goblin clan consists of 3d6-3 members with an average wealth of only 1d10 copper pieces. While hobgoblin and bugbear populations coalesced into state-like entities as early as the Shamanic Age, the clan remains the center point of goblin family, social, and political life if, indeed, those three are not fully merged. For most goblins life revolves around rocks. Used as weapons, as building material, as medium of exchange, and as artistic material, the rock dominates the goblin imagination like no other substance. "Is very hard and sometimes is full of sparkles," one informant explained. Given the limits of an all-rock economy, goblin material culture remains sharply limited. Without weaving for baskets and without cloth for pouches, all goods must be transported via baked pottery or turtle shell basins. Combined with their small stature, the lack of functional containers limits goblin trade networks to nearby burrows. Despite their material poverty, goblin burrows are richly decorated. "Big deer are cool. Maybe they blow up, but maybe they don't" one artist explained as she carefully shaded a mural with ocher and iron pigment. Food is a common theme. Unusually large roots and wily deer decorate almost every goblin burrow some carefully painted, some modeled out of small rocks. Explosions are another favorite. Blasts are lovingly rendered in the rich orange clay native to the Dragonian Hills complimented by dazzling blues painstakingly made from the ground shell of the Shine Beetle. Less than one in one hundred goblin spawnlings will express magical talent and fewer than one in six spawnlings reach maturity. With such low numbers, a goblin shaman or, even rarer, a goblin caster quickly becomes a fixture of their burrow. Their bodies infused with mana, their flesh flecked with demonfire, the goblin magician is truly a wonder to behold. In such plain settings they burn twice as bright. Goblin society does not prize restraint: The great and the gifted are pushed forward in politics and in war early and often. Few magicians survive more than five years in the public eye. "Yay, explosion!" one informant cheers as her neighbor and one time leader immolates in battle. The neighboring clan raided the burrow in search of fancy roots and the domestic lizards that sustain burrow life. They found only fire. ShinyBirdTeeth fucked around with this message at 04:41 on Sep 21, 2017 |
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Sep 21, 2017 04:37
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Languages of the Realm In this paper, the authors attempt to explain the seemingly impossible convention of a common language that we have all culturally accepted as calling Common. Amazingly spread throughout the entirety of our physical world - and into many others, as the paper will demonstrate. The authors argue that this provides further evidence to the fact the realms are, in fact, designed by a creature with middling intelligence.
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Sep 21, 2017 04:46
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Lembas Bread: A Pharmacological Perspective First-hand accounts of the Third Age report a powerfully sustaining foodstuff: Lembas Bread. Assuming one can credit the testimony from There and Back Again (Baggins) and Drink Like A Dwarf, Eat Like an Elf (Gristlebrow), Lembas remained shelf-stable for extended periods, provided a surprising amount of energy and alertness, and strongly suppressed cravings. In this paper we explore the likely possibility that Lembas was largely composed of amphetamine salts. |
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Sep 21, 2017 18:12
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:Werner Herzog, but in a pointy hat, "There is nothing so cruel or mysterious as the Owlbear." |
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Sep 21, 2017 19:30
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It Stinks: The Complete History of Orcish Fecal Art |
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Sep 21, 2017 19:47
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A father and son are wandering through a forest, gathering firewood. "Papa," The child asks. "What created the owlbears?" "Wizards." The old man grumbles, casting a weather eye to the hills around him. "Some power-mad wizard drunk on alchemy and wizard-wine, no doubt." The child nods. The path continues on. "Papa," The child asks again. "What created the duckrabbits?" "Wizard students." The old man grumbles. "Hungry wizard-college kids, looking for an easy A." The child nods again. The path delves deeper into the woods, dark with hills. "Papa," The child asks once more. "What created the Boihole-Hungry Cockfucker?" crimes |
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Sep 21, 2017 19:54
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When the moon is outside like Cockatrice eyes that's architecture crimes |
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Sep 21, 2017 19:56
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"Look to the person on your left. Now look to your right. Only one of the three of you will finish this course." -- Prof. Douglas Danktooth during Introduction to Orcish Medicine |
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Sep 21, 2017 20:36
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The Enchanted Blade: Performative Heroism and the Cave Monster Crisis Last year nearly 2% of young people died at the hands of cave monsters. Troglodytes only finished what so-called "heroic culture" began. |
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Sep 21, 2017 21:15
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Keeping Lint Out of Your Pocket Dimension: Caring for your Bags of holding, portable holes, and other extradimensional devices -Never put one inside of the other -Keep sharp and pointy objects safely covered -Using your pocket dimension as a secret lair and more! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 21, 2017 22:04
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Does Spelling Matter For Spells? A Compendium of the rules regarding the proper spelling for scribing spells, cantrips, and enchantments Never again risk spoiling spell components or escaped summoned minions you just got ahold of for that sacrifice while you try to remember which unholy symbol gets inscribed first with this handy guide! -Write scrolls with confidence -Duplicate lower level spell books with ease! -Learn the ins and outs of binding infernal minions to your will, ordering them about to save you time on meaningless chores while you scribe spells!* Includes: Handy reference chart for using replacement spell components when you're stuck in a dungeon and need one more ingredient, enchanted book cover that's blood-resistant, acid and fireproof, and gets a separate saving throw as per magic item:Special, absolutely free! Not responsible for any mishaps resulting from mispronunciations of summend minions. Bind at your own risk. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 21, 2017 22:16
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When will someone do some research on why these bears, wolves and stuff are carrying around gold, silver, and copper coins? You are a bear, you can't even buy stuff, and if anything are just encouraging adventurers to slaughter you for the coins you drop!
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Sep 21, 2017 23:19
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Twenty Four posted:When will someone do some research on why these bears, wolves and stuff are carrying around gold, silver, and copper coins? You are a bear, you can't even buy stuff, and if anything are just encouraging adventurers to slaughter you for the coins you drop! My hypothesis is that the "gold" is actually a parasitic species of mimic. The parasite gorges in the wild, then gets entangled in wolf fur. Heroes carry the mimic into cool, dark vaults where it can safely mate. Then, merchants and low-level heroes die in the woods dispersing the next generation into the wild. |
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Sep 22, 2017 01:05
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And this is the main library, Demonious Hall. Don't let the name frighten you, the endowment came from one Hardrack Demonious. The library has been demon free since 1972. Should you need interlibrary loan, archival access, or research contracts with extraplanar intelligence, research and combat librarians are ready to assist. |
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Sep 22, 2017 01:16
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"Engineering? Son, please, study something practical like metaphysics or astrology. Your mother and I can't support you forever." |
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Sep 22, 2017 01:19
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:"Engineering? Son, please, study something practical like metaphysics or astrology. Your mother and I can't support you forever." "Why can't you be more like your sister and get into bard's college? Put away this silly nonsense about bridges and write some poems." |
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Sep 22, 2017 01:20
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:"Why can't you be more like your sister and get into bard's college? Put away this silly nonsense about bridges and write some poems." "What the hell did I tell you about using your abacus in the house?? You're never going to get a job in ACCOUNTING. Think of all of the treasure-filled caves waiting to be pillaged. You're going to be an adventurer just like your father, just like his father, and his father after him. NOW GO OUT THERE AND SLAY SOME drat DRAGONS!"
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Sep 22, 2017 01:25
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Looking to move out to that abandoned hovel in the middle of the forest and work on my alchemy skills. Gonna hit it big turning lead in to gold! My parents support my go-get-em entrepreneurial attitude!
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Sep 22, 2017 01:33
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Twenty Four posted:Looking to move out to that abandoned hovel in the middle of the forest and work on my alchemy skills. Gonna hit it big turning lead in to gold! My parents support my go-get-em entrepreneurial attitude! Oh let me put you in touch with my decorator. She spruced up my shattered fortress from a forgotten empire with artifacts of unspeakable power, a single iron boot, and twenty fresh cakes. You'll love it. |
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Sep 22, 2017 01:43
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Mandrake root in the mana philter making the wizards gay. |
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Sep 22, 2017 03:23
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:Oh let me put you in touch with my decorator. She spruced up my shattered fortress from a forgotten empire with artifacts of unspeakable power, a single iron boot, and twenty fresh cakes. You'll love it. Academic research shows that a well decorated fortress or hovel, especially when adorned with artifacts of unspeakable power, boosts both productivity and morale! I'm in!
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Sep 22, 2017 05:09
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:Werner Herzog, but in a pointy hat, "There is nothing so cruel or mysterious as the Owlbear." Mark Twain, but in a pointy hat, "The committee's sacrificial investigation into the necromantic efficacy of using dog cadavers as substitute hosts for human souls resulted in the findings that they had wasted much of the former, while doing nothing to improve the essence of the latter." ---------------- |
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Sep 22, 2017 06:52
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Necromance - the social taboos surrounding living-undead relationships
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Sep 22, 2017 14:25
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Archeology is a lot harder when the dead chase you out of the ruins. |
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Sep 22, 2017 16:33
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xdy +/- c notation : An archaic misrepresentation of statistics Focused, low-level negative energy exposure on cancerous human cells as an alternative to MTAP (Magically Triggered Alchemic Potion) treatment In Vivo 1,3,5-triphlogiscyclomana can be used as an efficient and secondary phlogine selective phlogistinator in an Aumar-Simbul reaction Rigged Death Trap fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Sep 22, 2017 |
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Sep 22, 2017 21:37
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I have mixed news. Your grandfather's glowing crown is indeed an item of great power. Unfortunately that power is supplied by radium. |
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Sep 23, 2017 03:48
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In this study we exposed a cohort of gnomes to a pinch fairy dust per day for two months in addition to the standard gnomic diet of pipe tobacco and turnips. We were able to measure a statistically significant increase in whimsy as well as frolic, but dust dependency was observed as early as week two. By week four, all subjects showed significant turnip aversion, irritability, and gloom projection. |
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Sep 23, 2017 03:54
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really cool how i can gently caress up a puzzle, turn away, and the puzzle magically resets itself. "WELL HOW COME YOUR ROOM'S SUCH A GOT DANG MESS, THEN?" aw maaaaah, c'mon. cut me some slack. crimes |
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Sep 23, 2017 17:52
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"Quantum Entanglement and Unexpected Interference From the Orb of Evil"
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Sep 26, 2017 07:21
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Petra Giltheart, champion of the Dewdrop Forest, "Admittedly the new Palantir system raises serious privacy concerns and unconfirmed reports suggest it interferes with pixies' ability to navigate in flight. Despite these risks, Planatir coverage remains our best defense against resurgent Orkish hordes." Press goes absolutely bonkers. "No questions, Earth Mother bless you all." |
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Sep 26, 2017 19:40
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Teacher: *Groans* Not another thesis on where loot chests come from!? Look, Mr. Leifsnarl, I know it's an interesting and exciting new branch of research but Dr. Kill-He-Who-Flees' Quantum-Monstrology theory is yet un-provable, and has no place in a classroom of magic.
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Sep 26, 2017 20:47
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 12:53 |
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Now look, son, I know these "climate change" people say that if we don't sent more heroes to combat the fire-demon plague at the poles that we're going to be growing warmer and warmer as the years go on. Please! As if a few hundred fire demons could alter the entire world's ecology. It's poppycock! Hell, when I was your age, we were worried about ice demons at the poles. And people were just as sure of our immanent demise as they are right now! So. If you want to write your thesis on this subject, I can't guarantee it won't prove... controversial for your grades.
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Sep 26, 2017 20:53
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