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Stubear St. Pierre
Feb 22, 2006





As I slumped exhaustedly in my battle-worn gaming chair watching South Park reruns on a Thursday evening, the refractory period of my most recent sojourn into the riotous orgy of onanism still dulling my interest in the outside world, I gazed out the window of my bitchin' high-rise apartment at the soft dark mounds of foliage rippling across the Virginia suburbs. I took in their waning verdancy as it gave way to autumnal whispers of orange and red, aglow in the setting September sun--itself framed by a pale blue sky dimmed by the prodromes of Autumn as its angle retreated to a distant obliqueness and early dark. A glimmer of familiarity danced upon the periphery of my view, a flashing hint of comfort, palpably close yet unreachable nostalgia emanating from the endless forest beyond. The coolness of a breeze through an open window in the sudden absence of whirring air conditioners seemed to carry on its back that bittersweet relief from heat: a cost of early sunsets paid by the promise of new beginnings, and fond memories of beginnings past. Like Proust's madeleine evoking his remembrance, I found myself washed over by the memories of the beginning of hockey and football season, the commencement of a semester in college and the supple young tits and yoga-pants-clad asses that would accompany it, the new bookbags and pencil boxes and unfamiliar class schedules. Upon the back of this gentle but foreboding breeze, as much a passenger as a driver of the season itself, I felt a presence as varied as time but familiar nonetheless:

A new motherfucking Call of Duty.

Surging through my veins I once again feel the fires of pwnage past and pwnage future, ablaze in mortal combat. Like literally every single other human being on Earth, I have followed the development and previews of the new Call of Duty closely, in-depth, and have cared a loving ton about all of it. Based on one of the many ads on the XBox home screen that I didn't click on, this year's installment of everyone's favorite high-budget, low-effort action series seems to bring with it the Drama of World War 2 like you've never seen it before, in full 900p, or possibly even 4K if you were one of the select few who bought the exact same console a second time with a new video card in it because you're a retarded shithead (edit: yes, I did). I have once again assembled the raw data, and present to you my findings on what's sure to come this November.

This year in Call of Duty 26: Modern Warfare -65: Call of Duty 2, the draw is as much about what you won't find as what you will. This year's installment is not simply a rehashing of COD4, a new set of menus on the same old turd, nor the continued public sodomizing of the Quake 3 engine with peer-to-peer networking in the year 2,017 AD. You won't find a paper-thin storyline that makes a Michael Bay movie look like a masterwork in subtlety, nor another bland revisitation of the American fight in the Western front against the Germans that marginalizes the involvement of the British to one map and the entire Pacific campaign to a DLC--and the 20,000,000 Russians? lol who? There will be no heavy-handed pandering to social justice retards enabling you to fight as a black woman in the Wermacht, and you won't find the usual concessions that portrays Nazi Germany in an alternative history where all swastikas have been replaced by the iron cross. Most importantly, you won't be burdened with the generic orchestral backdrop that has become as omnipresent in WW2 as "Fortunate Son" has to every Vietnam reference ever; you will be landing on the beaches of Normandy to the dulcet tones of Skrillex, just as the real US Army did. Lastly, you won't find this game full of lovely microtransactions like previous COD games, as Activision is not a money-hungry vacuum of talent that squeezes every last meconium laced drop of poo poo from their precious baby turd that has been run so far into the ground it's struck the Earth's mantle; transactions in this installment will be so micro that they will meet the newly minted NIST standards for "nanotransactions." And there will be a loving ton of them.



Featuring 100% more World War than the most recent Battlefield release, Call of Duty: Wheedle Deedle Doop Boop represents a stark divergence from the blockbuster smash hit of COD: Infinity Wardfare, a game which I owned, played, and liked, a lot. Drawing upon the success of Gone Home, a game about lesbian teens scissoring the absolute gently caress out of each other, Call of Duty's latest offering opens with roughly six hours of self-paced discovery in which you don the role of a Polish teenager on the eve of the German invasion, picking up every single pencil in his lovely Polish house and putting it in the bathtub and flushing the toilet over and over again. Make your way through all kinds of artifacts and documents and poo poo as the fate unfolding before you gradually comes into view: at any time, you may press X to realize you're Jewish.



Next, you will take on the role of Japanese "doctors" in the vivisection QTEs, trying to test the limits of human pain tolerance--for scientific reasons--while live hand grenades are detonated in crowds of abducted Chinese villagers. Gone are the cookie-cutter Call of Duty mainstays of perks, loadouts, and team deathmatch, giving way to a tapestry weaved from threads of pure immersion that portray the shittiest time in human civilization for exactly what it was. Jump into the shoes of Winston Churchill as he writes poetry, paints, mumbles English poo poo, and ignores all that hogwash about Jews and gays because, I mean, come on right? No longer will you "press X to bark," rather you will hold X to remain seated in your wheelchair as FDR, and press Y to bark, because now you're barking in motherfucking German.

It should be no surprise then, that Call of Duty: Duuhh durrr dahh focuses almost entirely on the North African campaign. Take on the role of Benito Mussolini, an affable Vaudeville mainstay who must steady his unyieldingly square jaw and take arms alongside his brother Moe and a nappy haired Jew named Larry in the hopes of defeating the dreaded North Africans of North Africa. Suspend your disbelief and immerse yourself in a seemingly alternate reality, in which glimmering cultural meccas like Libya have been reduced to war-torn desert shitholes, and take the reigns of King Idris Elba I of North Africa (Idris Elba) and his trusty dog (Cher) as they pit themselves against the superstars of Vaudeville and fight to wrest their freedom from iron grasp of slapstick tomfoolery. Stumble through the blood-red haze of carnage and hijinx as you pit all the your brawn and wits against the charming and sexually aggressive Zeppo Marx, a life-and-death struggle in which a single misstep can result in your violent end as you walk through a plate glass window. In truth, the sheer Drama of World War 2 eclipses even the action and tactical elements of previous COD titles, as an in-depth breakdown proves:



Also, this actually happened:



Other new features include yet another complete overhaul of the already barely recognizable perk and killstreak systems, in which now the player simply acquires the Drama of World War 2 with consecutive kills. Each point of Drama increases the vignette around the screen to enhance both the Humanity and, inevitably, your immersion, until your screen is just a pinpoint of light and you can't tell if you're playing a game or just confused and blacking out from autoerotic asphyxiation. In truth, it will probably be both, as no red blooded man can withstand the sheer Drama of a 1200 point Humanity streak without becoming so engorged it stresses the fibers of his jorts into a stiff medium-sized volcano of passion.


i'm lovin it

And now I leave you with this unbiased and factual preview of another great game that I'll buy and play, and will resume anticipating the absolute poo poo out of this awesome game. So long until next time, and, to quote that guy in Band of Brothers, I'll see you in Normandy; in a glorious time when smallpox still existed, homosexuality was considered a mental illness by the medical community and the forefather of modern computers who broke the Nazi's cryptography would later kill himself after being publicly humiliated and forced to undergo chemical castration for being gay, surgeons still smoked in the operating room, a Nobel Prize would soon be awarded to the guy who invented the lobotomy, all public schools were racially segregated, Emmett Till wouldn't be brutally murdered for no reason for another ten years, basically all this "Civil Rights" horseshit was still 20 years away, and most importantly, World War 2 video games hadn't been run so far into the ground that major franchises would switch to "Modern Warfare." I know I'm super excited.

edit: oh and just FYI those Japanese doctors that did vivisection experiments on live human beings got off scot-free in exchange for giving the US their research

edit2: also, by popular demand, here's some pulled pork I made a few weeks ago



buddy and I (no homo) made nachos with it:


not pictured: the poop afterward

Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at Nov 24, 2017 around 16:37

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Hackan Slash
May 31, 2007
Hit it until it's not a problem anymore

Excited to not buy this game again this year.

OP still better than the game, although I do miss the pulled pork picture. It looked delicious.

HELLBITCH
Sep 15, 2017

bad at posting


This was a good post, if this was a real game I might actually play it. However, I'm sure a large company like Activision wouldn't let a name like "Call of Duty (slang for poop)" slip through marketing.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


Stubear St. Pierre posted:


A new motherfucking Call of Duty.





Maps and streaks are worthless; hope you set aside some money for paying to win.

Mill Village
Jul 27, 2007



Thanks for teaching me another word for masturbation.

Taintrunner
Apr 10, 2017


I'm absolutely going to be a good American and buy the new Call of Duty, where I shall peacefully march upon the beaches of Normandy with my pocket Constitution and giant placard sign, determined to show the Third Reich the error of their ways.

Rageaholic Monkey
May 31, 2005

"What do you fear
most in the world?"

"The possibility that
love is not enough."


I pre-ordered on PS4 and played both beta weekends and had a fuckton more fun with it than I did with IW and BlOps3 and I'm excited to enjoy a Call of Duty game again for the first time since AW vv

widespread
Aug 5, 2013

I believe I am now no longer in the presence of nice people.


HELLBITCH posted:

This was a good post, if this was a real game I might actually play it. However, I'm sure a large company like Activision wouldn't let a name like "Call of Duty (slang for poop)" slip through marketing.

Call of Duty: Scheisse Division.

Would be called Excrement or poo poo Division for the german release.

SilentW
Apr 3, 2009

my It dept hgere is fucking clwonshoes, and as someone hwo used to do IT for 9 years it pains me to see them fbe so terriuble

Fallen Rib

Mister Facetious posted:





Maps and streaks are worthless; hope you set aside some money for paying to win.



So what you're telling me is that you're gonna buy and play it

I can get behind this revolutionary decision.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


SilentW posted:

So what you're telling me is that you're gonna buy and play it

I can get behind this revolutionary decision.

I might wait a week to see videos of just how poo poo the rest of the maps are, but probably, yeah. The netcode (as of the beta) works again.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002

Don't fuckle with Shuckle(s)

Like that other Shuckle, but different.


I will be waiting for y'all back in IW once you realize just how bad this game is.

eleven extra elephants
Feb 16, 2007

Menschliches! Allzumenschliches!!

Incredible OP as always

Oliax
Aug 19, 2011

Bavaro-Mancunian
Friendship Society

Rageaholic Monkey posted:

I pre-ordered on PS4 and played both beta weekends and had a fuckton more fun with it than I did with IW and BlOps3 and I'm excited to enjoy a Call of Duty game again for the first time since AW vv

Same! I'm sure I'm in the minority, but the end of jumpy jump will make my old man reflexes competitive again.

Twist And Pout!
Sep 3, 2011


God drat that's a good OP. I'll buy this game for the 8 hour action movie single player experience and then play it online for a week before going back to black ops 3.

But wow best OP in Games by far.

feverish and oversexed
Mar 9, 2007

I LOVE the galley!


So which thread do I post to when I wanna play last last year's game or last year's game.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002

Don't fuckle with Shuckle(s)

Like that other Shuckle, but different.


feverish and oversexed posted:

So which thread do I post to when I wanna play last last year's game or last year's game.

All of them

bbcisdabomb
Jan 14, 2008

SHEESH



Look man I don't even play COD any more but I just want you to know that I appreciate the OPs of all the Call of Duty threads on these here forums. Out of everything on this forum, I was not expecting the loving Call of Duty thread OP to be the funniest thing I read today.

Taintrunner
Apr 10, 2017


The PC open beta is this weekend, I hope people are memorizing their logical fallacies and practicing owning their opponents with their own logic.

JackGeneric
Apr 23, 2008

[Witty observation]


IW just dropped a patch with two new melee weapons (katana and nunchucks) and some kind of weird dual-mode sticky grenade launcher.

Good soup!
Nov 1, 2010

all these MC's start realizing
that Ghost got that shit
that'll keep you vibing



Lipstick Apathy

Was the remastered Modern Warfare any good, I wasted so many hours in multiplayer like a lot of people back in the day

Taintrunner
Apr 10, 2017


Good soup! posted:

Was the remastered Modern Warfare any good, I wasted so many hours in multiplayer like a lot of people back in the day

The campaign looks really good. I dunno if they have 64 man Shipment servers but running the Killhouse over and over in HD has been really rewarding.

widespread
Aug 5, 2013

I believe I am now no longer in the presence of nice people.


JackGeneric posted:

IW just dropped a patch with two new melee weapons (katana and nunchucks) and some kind of weird dual-mode sticky grenade launcher.

Yeah, I don't get some of this future tech sometimes. Just before this we got like... two different grenade launchers. IT'S THE VENOM-X BOYS.


Good soup! posted:

Was the remastered Modern Warfare any good, I wasted so many hours in multiplayer like a lot of people back in the day

Eh, it's more a remake nowadays what with the rampant amount of drops and collect-a-thons and the paid map pack you can't get with a season pass.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002

Don't fuckle with Shuckle(s)

Like that other Shuckle, but different.


I should have bought that bad bundle for and save the boxes for today. I want that Venom-X. Also the Katana has extended melee range sooooo.....

... knife running is back, baby

Vicissitude
Jan 26, 2004

You ever do the chicken dance at a wake? That really bothers people.

Good soup! posted:

Was the remastered Modern Warfare any good, I wasted so many hours in multiplayer like a lot of people back in the day

It looks good. Problem is the balance which isn't the best. I was looking back at it with rose-tinted glasses. I played it to about level 20 in multiplayer and then deleted it. Then I deleted IW to make room for Metal Gear.

BillBear
Mar 13, 2013

Ask me about running my country straight into the ground every time I play EU4 multiplayer.

I'm sad World at War got completely shat on it because it went back to WWII during a time where WWII was overdone because I think its MP was solid as hell.

Plus it's Soviet campaign owned.

Lumpy the Cook
Feb 4, 2011

Gamers are goo-reat!


BillBear posted:

I'm sad World at War got completely shat on it because it went back to WWII during a time where WWII was overdone because I think its MP was solid as hell.

Plus it's Soviet campaign owned.

World at War's lukewarm reception was almost entirely a reaction from people who couldn't get enough of CoD4. I know because I remember being very upset about them going back to WWII, especially with the people who developed CoD3 at the helm. Looking back, though, a lot of people can acknowledge that it really is one of the best and most fun CoD games all around. Solid, memorable campaign and really good multiplayer (ok the tanks were questionable, and the big maps felt a little TOO big, and the MP40... well, haha)

I accidentally entered a hacked lobby on the 360 version and it disabled all MP access and DLC access, even in local MP. One of the worst tragedies in my gaming history. Is the PC version hacker infested?

Mill Village
Jul 27, 2007



Good soup! posted:

Was the remastered Modern Warfare any good, I wasted so many hours in multiplayer like a lot of people back in the day

No, it was poo poo. They put the game on the modern COD engine so it got all the modern COD problems, like bad spawns, bad netcode, and lootboxes. Granted they did balance the OP guns added in the lootbox pretty fast so the M16 still dominated everything.

Lumpy the Cook
Feb 4, 2011

Gamers are goo-reat!


The original CoD4 didn't have good spawns

Taintrunner
Apr 10, 2017


Lumpy the Cook posted:

The original CoD4 didn't have good spawns

Who needs "good" spawns on 64 man Shipment

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


I am so glad we're leaving this piece of poo poo behind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2jqh0jTcNo

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002

Don't fuckle with Shuckle(s)

Like that other Shuckle, but different.


I'm not That 47-3 game was so loving fun and finishing the night with that panic double bull rush was great.

Rageaholic Monkey
May 31, 2005

"What do you fear
most in the world?"

"The possibility that
love is not enough."


MW: Remastered was the only reason to buy IW, gently caress with me

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002

Don't fuckle with Shuckle(s)

Like that other Shuckle, but different.


MWR was dead a week into release once everyone realized a 10 year old shooter with no updates at all outside of graphics makes for a very bad game.

And WW2 wants to grab some of that magic by going even further back in time and making an even worse game.

Stubear St. Pierre
Feb 22, 2006



eleven extra elephants posted:

Incredible OP as always


Twist And Pout! posted:

God drat that's a good OP. I'll buy this game for the 8 hour action movie single player experience and then play it online for a week before going back to black ops 3.

But wow best OP in Games by far.


bbcisdabomb posted:

Look man I don't even play COD any more but I just want you to know that I appreciate the OPs of all the Call of Duty threads on these here forums. Out of everything on this forum, I was not expecting the loving Call of Duty thread OP to be the funniest thing I read today.

thanks fellas I wouldn't bother every year if people didn't rely so heavily on me for all their tactical COD intel

Popete
Oct 6, 2009

This will make sure you don't suggest to the KDz
That he should grow greens instead of crushing on MCs

Grimey Drawer

I haven't given a crap about a CoD game since MW2 and I still read these OPs every year.

cuntman.net
Mar 1, 2013



its really good. can someone link to the other ops

fit em all up in there
Oct 10, 2006

I want McDonalds



I'll prob get this one if I can and people are still playing it in a month

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


cuntman.net posted:

its really good. can someone link to the other ops

CoD 4
a:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=2756848 - OP: PipeRifle
b:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3093899 - OP: BrokenCYcle

WaW
https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3007345 - OP: Sex Prospector

MW2
a:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3227086 - OP: Good Dog
b:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3239216 - OP: Good Dog
c:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3311154 - OP: Good Dog

BLOPS
a:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3359988 - OP: fennesz
b:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3387110 - OP: fennesz

MW3
a:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3446068 - OP: The SituAsian
b:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3461453 - OP: The SituAsian

BLOPS2
a:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3482470 - OP: Angry Caterpillar
b:) https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3522296 - OP: Stubear ST. Pierre

GOATS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3564911 - OP: Wazzit

ROOT_BEER
https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3630852 - OP: Stubear St. Pierre

BLOPS3
https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3716726 - OP: Stubear St. Pierre

You might need archives for these by now.

MoaM
Dec 1, 2009

Destiny.

Ghosts scarred me for life after I bought it, but I'll buy this one and hope it's not the absolute shittiest CoD ever made.

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Stubear St. Pierre
Feb 22, 2006



Mister Facetious posted:

You might need archives for these by now.

you forgot--

goats PC: https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3581790

root beer PC: https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3679602

infinity wardfare: https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3783276

Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at Sep 28, 2017 around 12:38

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