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 As I slumped exhaustedly in my battle-worn gaming chair watching South Park reruns on a Thursday evening, the refractory period of my most recent sojourn into the riotous orgy of onanism still dulling my interest in the outside world, I gazed out the window of my bitchin' high-rise apartment at the soft dark mounds of foliage rippling across the Virginia suburbs. I took in their waning verdancy as it gave way to autumnal whispers of orange and red, aglow in the setting September sun--itself framed by a pale blue sky dimmed by the prodromes of Autumn as its angle retreated to a distant obliqueness and early dark. A glimmer of familiarity danced upon the periphery of my view, a flashing hint of comfort, palpably close yet unreachable nostalgia emanating from the endless forest beyond. The coolness of a breeze through an open window in the sudden absence of whirring air conditioners seemed to carry on its back that bittersweet relief from heat: a cost of early sunsets paid by the promise of new beginnings, and fond memories of beginnings past. Like Proust's madeleine evoking his remembrance, I found myself washed over by the memories of the beginning of hockey and football season, the commencement of a semester in college and the supple young tits and yoga-pants-clad asses that would accompany it, the new bookbags and pencil boxes and unfamiliar class schedules. Upon the back of this gentle but foreboding breeze, as much a passenger as a driver of the season itself, I felt a presence as varied as time but familiar nonetheless: A new motherfucking Call of Duty. Surging through my veins I once again feel the fires of pwnage past and pwnage future, ablaze in mortal combat. Like literally every single other human being on Earth, I have followed the development and previews of the new Call of Duty closely, in-depth, and have cared a loving ton about all of it. Based on one of the many ads on the XBox home screen that I didn't click on, this year's installment of everyone's favorite high-budget, low-effort action series seems to bring with it the Drama of World War 2 like you've never seen it before, in full 900p, or possibly even 4K if you were one of the select few who bought the exact same console a second time with a new video card in it because you're a retarded shithead (edit: yes, I did). I have once again assembled the raw data, and present to you my findings on what's sure to come this November. This year in Call of Duty 26: Modern Warfare -65: Call of Duty 2, the draw is as much about what you won't find as what you will. This year's installment is not simply a rehashing of COD4, a new set of menus on the same old turd, nor the continued public sodomizing of the Quake 3 engine with peer-to-peer networking in the year 2,017 AD. You won't find a paper-thin storyline that makes a Michael Bay movie look like a masterwork in subtlety, nor another bland revisitation of the American fight in the Western front against the Germans that marginalizes the involvement of the British to one map and the entire Pacific campaign to a DLC--and the 20,000,000 Russians? lol who? There will be no heavy-handed pandering to social justice retards enabling you to fight as a black woman in the Wermacht, and you won't find the usual concessions that portrays Nazi Germany in an alternative history where all swastikas have been replaced by the iron cross. Most importantly, you won't be burdened with the generic orchestral backdrop that has become as omnipresent in WW2 as "Fortunate Son" has to every Vietnam reference ever; you will be landing on the beaches of Normandy to the dulcet tones of Skrillex, just as the real US Army did. Lastly, you won't find this game full of lovely microtransactions like previous COD games, as Activision is not a money-hungry vacuum of talent that squeezes every last meconium laced drop of poo poo from their precious baby turd that has been run so far into the ground it's struck the Earth's mantle; transactions in this installment will be so micro that they will meet the newly minted NIST standards for "nanotransactions." And there will be a loving ton of them.  Featuring 100% more World War than the most recent Battlefield release, Call of Duty: Wheedle Deedle Doop Boop represents a stark divergence from the blockbuster smash hit of COD: Infinity Wardfare, a game which I owned, played, and liked, a lot. Drawing upon the success of Gone Home, a game about lesbian teens scissoring the absolute gently caress out of each other, Call of Duty's latest offering opens with roughly six hours of self-paced discovery in which you don the role of a Polish teenager on the eve of the German invasion, picking up every single pencil in his lovely Polish house and putting it in the bathtub and flushing the toilet over and over again. Make your way through all kinds of artifacts and documents and poo poo as the fate unfolding before you gradually comes into view: at any time, you may press X to realize you're Jewish.  Next, you will take on the role of Japanese "doctors" in the vivisection QTEs, trying to test the limits of human pain tolerance--for scientific reasons--while live hand grenades are detonated in crowds of abducted Chinese villagers. Gone are the cookie-cutter Call of Duty mainstays of perks, loadouts, and team deathmatch, giving way to a tapestry weaved from threads of pure immersion that portray the shittiest time in human civilization for exactly what it was. Jump into the shoes of Winston Churchill as he writes poetry, paints, mumbles English poo poo, and ignores all that hogwash about Jews and gays because, I mean, come on right? No longer will you "press X to bark," rather you will hold X to remain seated in your wheelchair as FDR, and press Y to bark, because now you're barking in motherfucking German. It should be no surprise then, that Call of Duty: Duuhh durrr dahh focuses almost entirely on the North African campaign. Take on the role of Benito Mussolini, an affable Vaudeville mainstay who must steady his unyieldingly square jaw and take arms alongside his brother Moe and a nappy haired Jew named Larry in the hopes of defeating the dreaded North Africans of North Africa. Suspend your disbelief and immerse yourself in a seemingly alternate reality, in which glimmering cultural meccas like Libya have been reduced to war-torn desert shitholes, and take the reigns of King Idris Elba I of North Africa (Idris Elba) and his trusty dog (Cher) as they pit themselves against the superstars of Vaudeville and fight to wrest their freedom from iron grasp of slapstick tomfoolery. Stumble through the blood-red haze of carnage and hijinx as you pit all the your brawn and wits against the charming and sexually aggressive Zeppo Marx, a life-and-death struggle in which a single misstep can result in your violent end as you walk through a plate glass window. In truth, the sheer Drama of World War 2 eclipses even the action and tactical elements of previous COD titles, as an in-depth breakdown proves:  Also, this actually happened:  Other new features include yet another complete overhaul of the already barely recognizable perk and killstreak systems, in which now the player simply acquires the Drama of World War 2 with consecutive kills. Each point of Drama increases the vignette around the screen to enhance both the Humanity and, inevitably, your immersion, until your screen is just a pinpoint of light and you can't tell if you're playing a game or just confused and blacking out from autoerotic asphyxiation. In truth, it will probably be both, as no red blooded man can withstand the sheer Drama of a 1200 point Humanity streak without becoming so engorged it stresses the fibers of his jorts into a stiff medium-sized volcano of passion.  i'm lovin it And now I leave you with this unbiased and factual preview of another great game that I'll buy and play, and will resume anticipating the absolute poo poo out of this awesome game. So long until next time, and, to quote that guy in Band of Brothers, I'll see you in Normandy; in a glorious time when smallpox still existed, homosexuality was considered a mental illness by the medical community and the forefather of modern computers who broke the Nazi's cryptography would later kill himself after being publicly humiliated and forced to undergo chemical castration for being gay, surgeons still smoked in the operating room, a Nobel Prize would soon be awarded to the guy who invented the lobotomy, all public schools were racially segregated, Emmett Till wouldn't be brutally murdered for no reason for another ten years, basically all this "Civil Rights" horseshit was still 20 years away, and most importantly, World War 2 video games hadn't been run so far into the ground that major franchises would switch to "Modern Warfare." I know I'm super excited. edit: oh and just FYI those Japanese doctors that did vivisection experiments on live human beings got off scot-free in exchange for giving the US their research edit2: also, by popular demand, here's some pulled pork I made a few weeks ago  buddy and I (no homo) made nachos with it:  not pictured: the poop afterward Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at 17:37 on Nov 24, 2017 |
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Sep 23, 2017 17:10
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| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 04:46 |
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eleven extra elephants posted:Incredible OP as always Twist And Pout! posted:God drat that's a good OP. I'll buy this game for the 8 hour action movie single player experience and then play it online for a week before going back to black ops 3. bbcisdabomb posted:Look man I don't even play COD any more but I just want you to know that I appreciate the OPs of all the Call of Duty threads on these here forums. Out of everything on this forum, I was not expecting the loving Call of Duty thread OP to be the funniest thing I read today. thanks fellas  I wouldn't bother every year if people didn't rely so heavily on me for all their tactical COD intel
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Sep 28, 2017 04:50
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Mister Facetious posted:You might need archives for these by now. you forgot-- goats PC: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3581790 root beer PC: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3679602 infinity wardfare: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3783276 Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at 13:38 on Sep 28, 2017 |
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Sep 28, 2017 13:33
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is there a bootcamp portion of this game and if so is Ross from friends your drill sergeant also I added pulled pork pics to the op
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Nov 24, 2017 17:40
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eleven extra elephants posted:jesus christ the end of this video is hosed god drat  came here to see if this game was any good, guess this pretty much sums it up
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Dec 15, 2017 04:07
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Needs to quit games; it's basically like anything else ppl get hooked on, it can make you comfortable for the time being but can't make you happy
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Dec 15, 2017 05:26
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| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 04:46 |
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here's a thread for the next piece of poo poo https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3860875
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Jun 22, 2018 01:37
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