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hello everybody, this is your posting pal, Bill Goldberg, and tonight we will be opening up my magical fairy-tale book of WWE Live Events, and I will read you a story before you go to bed. tonight i will tell you the tale of Hell in a Cell 2017, and how it was a bad show, that nobody enjoyed viewing. Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon (Hell in a Cell match with no stakes or consequences) Kevin Owens has been a thorn in Shane McMahon's side for years. These two are like the proverbial mongoose and the proverbial cobra. Kevin Owens is hairy, and from a foreign land, exactly like the mongoose. It is a public secret that Shane McMahon has venom glands, and his venom can cause permanent blindness, although he has never used it in public. Tonight, these two will finally settle their storied rivalry the only way a mongoose and a cobra can; fighting in a cage with a roof. Shane McMahon will fall off of something and hurt himself and look like he's going to have a heart attack, and Kevin Owens will be forced to sell for him.  AJ Styles vs Baron Corbin for the United States Championship I don't remember why these two are fighting, or if they even have an angle together, or if this was thrown together at the last minute. I don't know who is currently holding the belt. AJ Styles, he's good. He wrestles like the kisses of a beautiful woman. Baron Corbin is a wolf man. He was bitten by a werewolf in Germany in 1847 and must stalk the Earth forever, not alive, yet refusing to die. Baron Corbin is really weird looking, some people say that he's not a terrible wrestler, but don't believe them. Dave Meltzer will give this match 3 1/2 stars.  The New Day vs The Uso Brothers for one of the sets of tag belts inside the cell. If you take the words "New Day" and "Usos," and combine them, you get: Uday and Qusay. Uday and Qusay Hussein were two of Saddam Hussein's sons. They were killed by Task Force 20 after a three-hour gunfight in Mosul. Which is exactly what this match is going to be; a brutal, bloody fight to the death in a dirty, war-torn city in Iraq. The New Day are going to cut a promo and tell jokes, and then the Usos will cut a promo, too. Then the American military will kill them. Hell in a Sleeper Cell.   Natalya vs Charlotte Flair for a belt You know, I had the best of intentions when I started this thread, I really did. There are so many matches, and let's be honest, we all know the deal. We all know what's really going on here. Just you and me, we know. That's why we make such a good team. Charlotte Flair is probably going to win this, and Natalya will go back to taking care of her invalid husband and their cats. This will be an historic moment in women's suffrage, because these ladies will make each other suffer, in the ring, when they fight each other, in a match. Not in the cell, just a regular match.  Dolph Ziggler vs Bobby Roode gently caress this match. These guys both suck. Dolph Ziggler is really bad and Bobby Roode is boring as gently caress. If you like Bobby Roode, it's because you like his theme music and not because you like the content of his character. This is a stinker, go have a cigarette, or pee.  Randy Orton vs. Rusev I went on CBS Sports .com to see what the card for Hell in a Cell was, and they say this match is happening tonight. I think this is some kind of mistake by the editor. Randy Orton, despite being only 37, has wrestled more matches than every other wrestler in existence, combined. Rusev is a big cuddle tank and he's married to Lana in real life, and that's about the only thing he has going for him. The world has forgotten Rusev, the world moved along. The crowd at his window went back to their homes. This match will be better than you expect, but, nobody will talk about it in the future. If this match is actually happening.  Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin vs. The Hype Brothers Chad Gable is really ugly. Tye Dillinger is the only man on the roster that is uglier than him. His former tag team partner, Double J, is now Kurt Angle's son, and Chad Gable was left on the side of the road like an ugly baby in Sparta. Shelton Benjamin used to be in another tag team, but then he got fired, and then he got hired again, but then he couldn't wrestle so they cancelled, but then they hired him again, and now he's the elephant man's tag partner. Orville and Wilbur Hype invented the Hyping Machine, hyping for about a minute and a half over Kitty Hawk before plummeting to Earth. This match is free and is on the preshow, which is a ripoff. please discuss this show now, and do not make fun of me or my thread. thank you. this is the official thread, do not post in the other, bad thread. editor's note: the original run of this story omitted a match, unfortunately, that match is...  Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura (maybe this is in a cell i don't know, it should be) Well guys, I have bad news for you. Yakamora is going to lose to Jinder Mahal. Jinder Mahal is the greatest man to ever live. His back pustules are the primary source of nutrition for the people of his realm, Punjab. Shinsuke is a washed-up, broken down Japanese man who is more than happy to work really bland, boring matches until his body gives up on him. Do you remember Daniel Bryan? He died for us. Shinsuke isn't going to die for us, so he can gently caress off. There is no chance that Jinder is going to lose, he is going to hold the belt until the company folds in 2021. Punjab is the land of five rivers, and Jinder will make five rivers of blood flow from Nakamura's anus. The boundaries of Punjab are ill-defined, much like a fractal geometric, thing. Shinsuke is going to lose and people are going to get really salty about it, so laugh at them when that happens. Shayna Baszler fucked around with this message at 23:02 on Oct 8, 2017 |
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Oct 8, 2017 22:50
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I'm so sorry for doubting you. 
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Oct 8, 2017 22:53
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Art like this deserves a proper venue. Thank you for making this comedy forum your venue. *golf clap*
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Oct 8, 2017 22:55
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you forgot jinder vs nakamura but thats fine because jinder vs nakamura will suck and probably end in the same way as every other jinder match. and then i can stop watching smackdown on a regular basis. (at least until jinder drops the belt) maybe ill take up a hobby like competitive shitposting if jinder retains. DarkstarIV fucked around with this message at 22:58 on Oct 8, 2017 |
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Oct 8, 2017 22:56
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Good OP OP
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Oct 8, 2017 22:57
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i was very excited for no mercy and it ended up being fun but underwhelming. i have little expectations here other than getting mad at shinsuke losing again, so obviously this means it will be great, right? the usos/new day hell in a cell has a lot of potential to be a good time.
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Oct 8, 2017 22:58
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DarkstarIV posted:you forgot jinder vs nakamura but thats fine honestly just have nakamura squash jinder tonight then squash him again on tuesday. get this over with. pppplllllleeeeeassssseeee.
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Oct 8, 2017 22:59
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voted 5 for the OP, 1 for the PPV
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Oct 8, 2017 22:59
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shiksa posted:honestly just have nakamura squash jinder tonight then squash him again on tuesday. get this over with. pppplllllleeeeeassssseeee. lol sorry but there is an india tour coming up in december and wwe somehow thinks jinder will be a massive draw there, when he most likely wont be, because indian fans aren't stupid.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:03
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I am looking forward to a night of good-to-great wrestling and mediocre-to-terrible booking. And whatever foochs is going to meltdown about after the ppv. Bring on the pudgy old white man jumping off cages for my amusement!!
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Oct 8, 2017 23:03
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OP will be the highlight of this show so kudos to big bill
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Oct 8, 2017 23:06
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Bobby Roode vs Ziggler will probably be pretty good. Roode is actually very good.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:08
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Holy poo poo Natalya is beautiful
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Oct 8, 2017 23:09
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5/5 op
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Oct 8, 2017 23:10
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Jinder vs nakamura is going to be the same match they've had the last few times.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:11
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bill goldberg thank you
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Oct 8, 2017 23:11
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Jinder will surprise us with a clean win
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Oct 8, 2017 23:12
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I'm just wondering if the finish of Owens vs. Shane will involve the actual Shane during the actual PPV or a stuntman and a pre-tape.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:14
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CrcleSqreSanchz posted:I am looking forward to a night of good-to-great wrestling and mediocre-to-terrible booking. This isn't the King of Pro Wrestling thread!!
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Oct 8, 2017 23:31
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i was just at comic con in New York and this ppv is gonna smell worse than that did!!!!!! for real tho legit body odor issues there
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Oct 8, 2017 23:35
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VJeff posted:I'm just wondering if the finish of Owens vs. Shane will involve the actual Shane during the actual PPV or a stuntman and a pre-tape. I'm going to be horribly disappointed if they don't work a helicopter crash into it somehow.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:37
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(speaking in italian) whump my arse
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Oct 8, 2017 23:38
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Oct 8, 2017 23:45
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Suplex Liberace posted:Good OP OP
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Oct 8, 2017 23:47
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Gonna watch this PPV because I have nothing better to do.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:52
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The_Rob posted:Bobby Roode vs Ziggler will probably be pretty good. Roode is actually very good. Did the definition of very good change to boring but technically sound? The only match I'm looking forward to is Usos vs New Day. Oh and I think we get a new Fashion Files.
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Oct 8, 2017 23:53
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The dirty finish of this ppv will be jinder popping a back zit in shinsuke's eyes, temporarily blinding him, allowing for the rollup. Then a pink-eye based backstage segment on Tuesday
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Oct 8, 2017 23:54
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i wont watch after Ferrari implosion i have no desire to watch trash tv DoctorGonzo fucked around with this message at 00:02 on Oct 9, 2017 |
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Oct 8, 2017 23:59
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bartok posted:Did the definition of very good change to boring but technically sound? No Roode is very good because he is a very good worker.
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Oct 9, 2017 00:01
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I'm just happy that there's wrestling on 
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Oct 9, 2017 00:02
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Well WWE gave me three free months, so what the hell, let's see Shane McMahon nearly kill himself.
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Oct 9, 2017 00:03
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They just put Dillinger in the US Title match.
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Oct 9, 2017 00:05
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tye's getting the big shot to protect baron corbin!!
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Oct 9, 2017 00:05
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Can we get someone else to do ops cuz that sucked and is full of whacky zany crap
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Oct 9, 2017 00:05
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astrollinthepork posted:Can we get someone else to do ops cuz that sucked and is full of whacky zany crap the op will be the best thing about this poo poo, show some respect to my friend Bill Goldberg
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Oct 9, 2017 00:07
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Why won't you treat Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens with the solemn respect it deserves
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Oct 9, 2017 00:10
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Fluffy Bunnies posted:I'm just happy that there's wrestling on WWE will thoroughly test your resolve.
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Oct 9, 2017 00:10
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astrollinthepork posted:Can we get someone else to do ops cuz that sucked and is full of whacky zany crap look at this '07 newbie telling me i'm zany
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Oct 9, 2017 00:12
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if you aren't watching raw and smackdown live every week, and you come in here and you want to watch a ppv, and you don't know what's going on because you don't watch the awful poo poo shows and you need a tv guide because wrestling is really complicated for your koala brain, buddy, you've got another thing coming
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Oct 9, 2017 00:13
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Sotar posted:WWE will thoroughly test your resolve. My husband just came home from being gone for two weeks. WWE can't make me upset right now. I need to find my old Positivity Patrol badge.
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Oct 9, 2017 00:13
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