- PHIZ KALIFA
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#mood
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woooowww, how original, you and the rest of "the capos" show up wearing butchers' coats and respirators. oooo i'm soooo impressed. "durr i watched duh suhpranos and now i'm jawn gawwwwti" that's what you sound like, while you're punching me in the face and tossing me in the back of your black BMW with the tinted windows. Oooooo smart thinking dumbnuts, you removed the glow in the dark emergency handle latch & now I can't escape from the car. good thing im a fuckin black belt in Car-ate. gonna jump out of this here boot and start putting boots to faces, know what i mean? gonna backflip onto the raised trunk and then slam it down on all yalls fingers, while screaming the name of a wrestling move.
im not good at wrestling so odds are the move-name will be unrelated to what im actually doing, so dont be confused if i shout "pile driver!" while not doing a pile driver, ok
oh oh pfft whatever, these idiots have hella guns & are forcing me to stand in this plastic bucket of wet cement. smart thinking, dudes! i can definitely stand on top of wet cement. this isn't going to leave foot-shaped holes once i discorporate into a honey nut cheerios-scented vapor cloud, as is my vampiric class ability. yup this is the opposite of a stepladder, i hope you didn't need me to pick up anything off a tall shelf.
now i'm sitting at the bottom of the ocean! whatever! really the bottom is just as good as the top, since opposites are exactly the same. thats why i'm as scared of ANTIFA breaking my prostate stimulators as I am of a neo nazi shooting me in the face. see if you mafios just followed the middle path like me u wouldn't be as afflicted by samsara as you are. let's recite a mantra together.
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Oct 12, 2017 14:35
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 23, 2024 19:37
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- Pot Smoke Phoenix
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Smoke 'em if you gottem!
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Any second now these bozos are gonna get close enough to trigger my trap door, step by step they approach, closer and closer to their doom.
"You're gonna get it now, see!" one of them sneers at me, taking another step closer. "we're gonna MOIDAH yas!" another threatened, closing on on the side of the room.
"Me and my boys, you're gonna get it! And it's gonna be bad!" the leader says, offering me an offering of something I was assured was going to be, in his own word- "bad".
One more step now, yes! There it was, the unmistakeable *snick* of the trigger activating. Without a sound, I dropped from sight, passing through the several floors that separated me from my hidden safe room below me. I rolled and dropped into the seat of the speedboat that awaited me as I had rehearsed for many times. It's engine was already rumbling, eagerly awaiting the quick escape that I must now make.
I raced out of the hidden cove, and soon was out on the open ocean as the loud "BOOM!" of my former lair exploded in a cloud of crimson fire. There were other lairs. There would be other threats of being "moiderized". But not this day. Nice job "murdering" me!
*races off into the sunset with his friend and soccer ball, Wilson*
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps  
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!
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Oct 12, 2017 15:26
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- PHIZ KALIFA
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#mood
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i dont carry a gun because im more lethal to every gundude within a 21 foot radius, than they are to me. all i do is charge up to them and stick my fingers in the shooty holes, then the bullets get backed up and explode.
it used to happen to me aas a kid, id jerk off with a cork in my urethra so much my balls exploded. my balls exploded, because thats where the cum is stored.
crimes
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Oct 12, 2017 16:21
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- wearing a lampshade
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Oh wow your really did a great job of murdering me there, wow I'm so dead, could I be any more murdered?
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Oct 12, 2017 18:23
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- wearing a lampshade
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Oh no I'm soooooo dead, lmao, the only way I could be any more murdered is if you stick me on a pole in a cornfield and got a bunch of your friends to perch on me and caw incessessantly. God, you really did such a great job of killing me . 
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Oct 12, 2017 18:25
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- PHIZ KALIFA
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#mood
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some tophat wearing libertarian elitests tied me to the back of their electronic skateboards with cheap bailing twine but we're both too fat for the skateboard to drag me so the motor burned out & now i'm getting sued in "non-maritime court" for "violation of the NAP."
crimes
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Oct 12, 2017 18:36
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- vanisher
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Burritto: haha, good job "murdering" me. Oh, were my delicious avocado slices too filling? Did my seasoned steak and rice fill you up faster than you thought? Maybe try a taquito plate next time before you try and tangle with me again, idiot.
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Oct 12, 2017 19:25
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- Sole.Sushi
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Seaweed!? Get the fuck out!
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I got murdered pretty good the other day. Like, I'd be mad, but it was so perfect that I couldn't help but to nod in silent approval and admiration. Gave the guy a hearty handshake and we're gonna do it again next Saturday!
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Oct 13, 2017 00:27
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- Slush Garbo
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FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK
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wtg guy, you get an A for effort for your "attempted vehicular homicide" there... lol u can't even kill somebody with your stupid car, now I'm just laughing it up in this persistent vegetative state, just totally chillin gettin fed and sleeping in all the time, and u in jail hahahajaha owned
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Oct 13, 2017 01:43
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- PHIZ KALIFA
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#mood
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wow hugh, that's rad as gently caress. the only time i've ever been nearly vehicularly homicided at, i accidentally backflipped over the whole car, and as i landed like trinity from the matrix in her motorcycle helmet, i was holding a katana?
llike seriously, can someone else do a backflip over a car and tell me if they land holding a katana? i cant get rid of this thing. i wake up and it's in my hand. not. . . not really sure whats up.
crimes
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Oct 13, 2017 02:26
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- PHIZ KALIFA
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#mood
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plus, now you can lie with impunity.
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Oct 13, 2017 16:29
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- Slush Garbo
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FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK
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Smooth move setting my entire body on fire. Now everyone thinks I am really hot. Can you say backfire, with literal fire?
hahahahaha
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Oct 14, 2017 04:29
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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wtg guy, you get an A for effort for your "attempted vehicular homicide" there... lol u can't even kill somebody with your stupid car, now I'm just laughing it up in this persistent vegetative state, just totally chillin gettin fed and sleeping in all the time, and u in jail hahahajaha owned
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 15, 2017 20:28
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- little munchkin
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*sincerely* hey, just want to say you did a really good job murdering me
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 15, 2017 22:48
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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please put the following on my tombstone:
RIP CDA
"murdered" by "a real cool guy"
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 15, 2017 23:00
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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*while being stabbed to death* HEY GENIUS to be murder, there has to be a plan. looks like you're just stabbing me wherever, because you're angry. that's manslaughter at best.
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 15, 2017 23:01
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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lets be real: when you dropped that piano on my head from the fourth floor of the piano factory, it was gravity doing the murdering, not you.
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 15, 2017 23:03
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- Farecoal
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There he go
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whatever I was going to murder myself anyway
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Oct 16, 2017 14:29
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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whatever I was going to murder myself anyway
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 16, 2017 16:13
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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thanks for saving me the effort, idiots!
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Oct 16, 2017 16:13
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- Olive!
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It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...
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haha you're just going to shoot me? with a gun? I actually love getting shot, dipshit! it's one of my favorite hobbies!
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Oct 17, 2017 06:36
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- Macnult
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*sincerely* hey, just want to say you did a really good job murdering me
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Oct 18, 2017 04:46
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 23, 2024 19:37
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- HotSoapyBeard
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I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
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Ha! Now I have the gun! What are you going to do now huh? I'll kill myself and it'll be suicide. And not only that but I already called the cops 10 minutes ago so when they find you it'll look like you were trying to save me and they'll say you're a HERO how's about that? Really screwed with your plan there didn't I?!
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Oct 18, 2017 23:06
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Oct 12, 2017 14:35
