Search Amazon.com:
Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
  • Post
  • Reply
UWBW

Permanently banned from the Alamo

I was over at an Amish friend's house the other day and I noticed a weird trapdoor in the barn.

"What's down there?" I asked.

"Oh, that? That's nothing. There's nothing down there. Certainly not an advanced scientific laboratory that we, that is to say, the Amish, have been hiding from you "regulars" for hundreds of years. Nothing is down there."

"Oh," I said, with a shrug. But I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more going on...

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

UWBW

Permanently banned from the Alamo

So I was at the farmer's market last weekend, and I go to buy some strawberry jam from this Amish family. They were giving out free samples of jam on bread, so I took one to sample the quality. But when I bit into it, there was a crunch, and I pulled a broken microchip out of my mouth.

"Excuse me," I said, "I found this microchip in the jam. Is this yours?""

"No!" said the man, loudly, "but give it to me anyway, we need to dispose of it properly. Hand it over, right now."

Of course, I did so. But later, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I had *missed* something.

UWBW

Permanently banned from the Alamo

I was hanging out at the mall a few weeks back and I saw some Amish guys come in. But, the weird thing was, they all had these strange suits on. There were all sorts of wires and tubes covering the suits, almost like some kind of exoskeleton. They were each able to lift 400-pound bags of sod with one hand, and there were lots of strange noises coming from the suits, much akin to the sound of steam escaping from a kettle.

"Hey," I said, "don't you guys have a 'no technology' rule?"

"Yes, we certainly do! We don't use any extremely advanced technology, nor are we keeping it secret from the world. These suits are made of corn and wood."

"Oh, that makes sense, I suppose."

I had more questions but all four of the Amish guys suddenly activated their rear thrusters and blasted off into the stratosphere before I had a chance to ask.

UWBW

Permanently banned from the Alamo

An Amish family invited me over for dinner once, but after they said their prayers and we all sat at the table, what they actually brought out was a a series of pills.

"Where's the food?" I asked, but the family was too busy swallowing the little pills to answer me. I took one, and it made feel very full. I think I got half an inch taller, too. I haven't been back to their house since, despite their offers.

Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

911 Report

Operator: 911, is this an emergency?

Caller: YES! OMG I JUST SAW SOME CRAZY S**T!

Operator: Where are you?

Caller: redacted

Operator: and what is your emergency?

Caller: I JUST SAW A MAN IN A RED FORD MUSTANG...

Operator: Sir! Sir? SIR! Could you please try and slow down and try to not shout? I want to under stand you!

Caller: Sorry! A red Ford Mustang just passed an Amish horse and buggy, and then the guy flipped him off!

Operator: Do you wish to make a citizen's traffic complaint or something?

Caller: No! See, after the guy passed the horse and buggy, the driver of the buggy hit his horn!

Operator: And? Sir, this line is for emergencies only!

Caller: The horn made the red Ford Mustang blow up into a pile of parts and fluids! I think the driver's ok, though- he ran across the field near redacted

Operator: Whoa, sounds like they're using unlicensed sonic weaponry- ok, I'll call the Governor, we're gonna need the National Guard again...

Sig by: Vanisher, an awesome person!

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
i was referred online to a great deal on a custom-made couch. seemed like too good of a deal to be true but i went for it anyway.

i go to meet the furniture maker and it turns out he is amish. i first got a weird feeling when he wouldn't make eye contact... he just kept looking at my shoulders and mumbling something or other to the extent of 'yes...yes, good...a fine slave-warrior indeed...' under his breath. i might have misheard, though.

he 14 of his 'amish brethren' are supposed to show up at my house in about half an hour to deliver the couch, so i guess was just nervous over nothing.


thank you manifisto for the amazing fall signature! i owe you $3 in durst bucks!

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
i met an amish chick at a bar just now. she informed me that alcohol was actually allowed in their way of life. i thought that was pretty cool.

even though we're at a bar and i should be able to just order a drink, she is insisting that i instead drink from one of the three mason jars she has in her wood-and-corn purse. i was a bit on guard at first but i tried it and it tastes pretty good... i think i was just nervous about nothi










sned helpp


thank you manifisto for the amazing fall signature! i owe you $3 in durst bucks!

Manifisto


"excuse me, sir?" asked the young amish gentleman walking into my convenience store. "where pray tell is the cornflour?"

I pointed it out on the back shelf, just next to the bisquick.

"and also if I may," he asked, "where might I find the blackstrap molasses?"

since it was right by the cash register, I pulled it off the shelf and set it on the counter.

"and lastly," he said, consulting a list, "where is the enriched uranium?"

"what?" I asked

"what?" he replied, looking up sharply

"you just said . . . "

"no I didn't," he snapped. "I said rhubarb."


rad sigs courtesy of vanisher & factsareuseless

canyoneer
I only have canyoneyes for you
i once saw a guy plowing a field with 5 segways. one for him, and 2 each for both of the oxen (that's the plural for ox, which is what cows were called in the old days) dragging the plow

Twenty Four

HAIKOOLIGAN
I asked an Amish lady where exactly they draw the line on what technology they can and can't use.

She told me it isn't so much a hard line, but more of a complex equasion that only an advanced computer could solve.


Sig by vanisher

Macnult


Me: Do you like growing pumpkins?

An Amish: Meh, it's not too bad. One or two surprises here and there. Think of it like... kinda like the latest IOS update.

Me: I feel that, it takes some getting used to but it's never that bad.

An Amish: If I actually cared about phone poo poo anyway I'd just get an Android. I am sorta curious though, do you mind if I check out the changes for myself?

Me: Sure go ahead

the Amish: Can I see it too?

Me: Haha no

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

cda

HAIKUDICATOR

Twenty Four posted:

I asked an Amish lady where exactly they draw the line on what technology they can and can't use.

She told me it isn't so much a hard line, but more of a complex equasion that only an advanced computer could solve.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply