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coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


I need some advice, as I sit in this capsule hotel.. capsule... because it was cheaper than a hotel and less annoying than a 4-man dormitory in a backpacker place.

Backstory: When I was a teenager, thanks to a combo of severe bullying (to the point of violence) and the emergence of bipolar (thanks to both sides of the family), I had a severe meltdown ending in locking myself in my room for 6 months out of high school. With therapy - lots of therapy - I'm now a mostly perfectly functioning independent adult in my late twenties. I take my meds, I can handle 9-5 work, I am personable in group situations, I know how to compensate for my disabilites. But it took a whole lot of motherly support when I wasn't functioning.

The problem in general: As described by my therapist, I've leapfrogged into independence and left my mother behind, and she's not taking it well. If anything goes wrong, if I'm sad like a normal human being, etc. she has a meltdown and is convinced I'm going to go throw myself off a cliff if she doesn't FIX IT ALL RIGHT NOW.

The problem in specific: I can't convince my mother that she needs to stop being a helicopter and having meltdowns now I'm struggling on my career path. I suffered a setback - a major one - a month ago, I cried myself to sleep, got up in the morning ready to grump myself into tea and trying again, to discover that by 9am I'd missed a dozen calls from two phones and emails, that she'd booked me an emergency therapy appointment because she thinks I'm suicidal, organised tutors, tried to convince me the setback was due to discrimination, etc. etc. I told her to back off, and the therapist appointment turned into a joint session of me AND the therapist telling her to stop crippling my independence and let me cope. She seemed to understand and agree.

The problem, redux: Yesterday I suffered another major setback, had a good sulk with a bunch of chocolate, and was prepared to deal with it.

Can you guess what happened when I woke up? Did you guess "She organised a tutor for me and started booking appointments, a bunch of calls/emails, is concocting stories to justify why they're against me and that's the reason I failed, etc."? I told her to back off, nicely. Then I told her, less nicely in my desperation, reminded her of the therapist and what she said, and thought that was the end of the matter. Nope, 15 minutes later she sent more emails and was trying to convince me of all sorts of unfair discrimination claims in between trying to book appointments for me and having organised a professional tutor.

I snap and tell her to stop it, she starts sending emails about how she ~can't stop caring about me~ etc.

Now I'm in a capsule hotel because we currently live in the same apartment and I know that if I'm home, she'll continue to freak out all over me, and I really need to study so I don't gently caress up a third time.

What the heck do I do? I'm so tired and frustrated and she just won't listen or understand or accept that I'm not a kid who needs rescuing 24/7. I'm not allowed to have human emotions that aren't happy while I'm in this house or she thinks I'm going to degrade into suicidal nonsense, and I can't afford to live anywhere else. I've got plans to move out in January overseas, hopefully it works out, but that's months away.

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Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

Be cold and clinical. Keep telling her that you live her and will never abandon her but keep shutting her down hard until you move away. Change takes time and probably space in this instance. You're doing all the right things. I've been there with my mom and our relationship is rock solid after about a decade of noping her out of my beeswax.

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Thanks. I hope this doesn't take a decade... This morning the idea she's going with seems to be "Pretend nothing happened, except for a vague hint that she thinks I need more mental health" which works for me given I don't have the mental energy to babysit her and do all the work I have to do this weekend. I wish I had enough money to move out sooner for both our sakes, but the apartment market in the city would require me to use up all my savings and sign a contract past when I'm due to leave. If the job doesn't work out... Well, then I'll work on that.

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007


How does she find out about these major setbacks?

haggisforthesoul
Feb 2, 2006


Grimey Drawer

Confide in someone else besides her when you have issues. If she doesn't know about your problems, she can't overreact to them.

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Well, these setbacks really upset me, so I was a bit mopey in the immediate aftermath (for one evening, mind you, and we're talking 'has a sad nap and has a sad tea', I haven't been in hysterics) and the minute I'm remotely upset/sad, she picks up on it. I can't downplay it any harder than I have been, it'd be obvious if I magically slept 15 hours to avoid her after work, and whether or not I explain what's up, she gets upset. Unfortunately I haven't found the magic button that turns me into a robot.

Honestly, I'm just glad she has zero information on who I'm speaking with, etc. because I have no doubt she'd try to get in contact if she escalated any further.

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.


Harden the gently caress up and use your words to say you aren't a child and have your poo poo together, and need her to back the gently caress up out of your life if she wants to have any part in it at all, because it's overbearing and bringing you down the way she acts.

Act like a grown up with a spine and she will treat you like one.

false flag post-op
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

She won't do that probably.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



The Butcher posted:

Harden the gently caress up and use your words to say you aren't a child and have your poo poo together, and need her to back the gently caress up out of your life if she wants to have any part in it at all, because it's overbearing and bringing you down the way she acts.

Act like a grown up with a spine and she will treat you like one.

Well, the OP has told her to back off, and had some therapy sessions about how she needs to back off, so using words doesn't work.

Your mom is co-dependent as gently caress, OP. I don't see any effective solution except you moving out and her getting therapy for whatever is making her so crazy.

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.


Bobbie Wickham posted:

Well, the OP has told her to back off, and had some therapy sessions about how she needs to back off, so using words doesn't work.

Aye, so that's when you back it up with actions like "not talking to you about anything related to this until you stop being nuts about this."

Which, deffo, is easier said than done while living under the same roof they own.

So yeah agreed, nothing changes probably until they can move out.

false flag post-op
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

Getting his mom therapy would be a true E/N miracle

504
Feb 2, 2016


The Butcher posted:

Harden the gently caress up and use your words to say you aren't a child and have your poo poo together, and need her to back the gently caress up out of your life if she wants to have any part in it at all, because it's overbearing and bringing you down the way she acts.

Act like a grown up with a spine and she will treat you like one.

These suggestions are great they always crack me up.

"WHAT!! THE MOTHER THAT SAW YOU THROUGH A TERRIBLE TIME IS OVER SENSITIVE AND WORRIED ABOUT YOU??!! loving KILL THAT WHORE AND TELL HER TO GET THE gently caress OUT FOREVER!!!!!"

goes back to anime/mmo feeling like real man.

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.


504 posted:

"WHAT!! THE MOTHER THAT SAW YOU THROUGH A TERRIBLE TIME IS OVER SENSITIVE AND WORRIED ABOUT YOU??!! loving KILL THAT WHORE AND TELL HER TO GET THE gently caress OUT FOREVER!!!!!"

That seems a little excessive.

Moms are people too and can have mental problems. Sometimes those problems fester and get worse for a very long time. Sometimes those problems start affecting their children too.

504
Feb 2, 2016


The Butcher posted:

That seems a little excessive.

Moms are people too and can have mental problems. Sometimes those problems fester and get worse for a very long time. Sometimes those problems start affecting their children too.

I know, that's why the internet heroes that make these posts are so funnym

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Woooaaaah.

The Butcher posted:

Harden the gently caress up and use your words to say you aren't a child and have your poo poo together, and need her to back the gently caress up out of your life if she wants to have any part in it at all, because it's overbearing and bringing you down the way she acts.

Act like a grown up with a spine and she will treat you like one.

You apparently missed the part where I told her to back off (more than once), involved a therapist who also told her to back off, and when she failed to back off I left the house for the night and stayed at a hotel. Also dude, I already severed from my father in the most dramatic "No, gently caress you dad!" way imaginable. I don't plan on getting rid of all my parents, because I only have one left, and she happens to be loving, caring and incredibly supportive besides this issue. Please find another strawman.


Bobbie Wickham posted:

Well, the OP has told her to back off, and had some therapy sessions about how she needs to back off, so using words doesn't work.

Your mom is co-dependent as gently caress, OP. I don't see any effective solution except you moving out and her getting therapy for whatever is making her so crazy.

Yeah, I think this is basically the only way. There's definitely other influences at play I can't address (this entire family is a catastrophe). I was hoping someone could think of some bright ideas, but I'll just have to put up with things and do my best to get this overseas job. The separation should do us good.

false flag post-op posted:

Getting his mom therapy would be a true E/N miracle

Her, but no biggy. I booked a therapy appointment (again) for next week for "myself" which is very definitely going to turn into another joint session, followed by me leaving and hoping the therapist can do some good while I get a cup of tea.

Ytlaya
Nov 13, 2005


People who claim to be caring about you when they're really acting out of concern for their own feelings really annoy me. The main way you can notice if this is the case is if someone tries to "help" you and gets offended when you reject their "aid." Like, helping them obviously isn't their real goal if the person tells them to stop and they get angry with them. Obviously there are exceptions (it's wrong to flip out the first time someone tries to "help" in this manner, for example), but if someone has been told in the past not to "help" in a particular way and they keep doing it, it's obvious they truly have your needs at heart.

Ocean Book
Sep 27, 2010

- hi

Would she be open to recommendations that she address this in therapy by herself?

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Ocean Book posted:

Would she be open to recommendations that she address this in therapy by herself?

She'll go to therapy for me, but not for herself. I've really tried to get her into it, but she's definitely of the 'repress it and pretend I'm fine' school of emotional coping, and the one time I managed it the guy turned out to be an rear end in a top hat. My therapist is really sweet and willing to do family sessions, so that's all I can think of to do.

Ytlaya posted:

People who claim to be caring about you when they're really acting out of concern for their own feelings really annoy me. The main way you can notice if this is the case is if someone tries to "help" you and gets offended when you reject their "aid." Like, helping them obviously isn't their real goal if the person tells them to stop and they get angry with them. Obviously there are exceptions (it's wrong to flip out the first time someone tries to "help" in this manner, for example), but if someone has been told in the past not to "help" in a particular way and they keep doing it, it's obvious they truly have your needs at heart.

I'm pretty sure I traumatised the poo poo out of her as a teenager, and a lot of this is derived from that. It's a real mess.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


coolusername posted:

we currently live in the same apartment

Ytlaya
Nov 13, 2005


coolusername posted:

I'm pretty sure I traumatised the poo poo out of her as a teenager, and a lot of this is derived from that. It's a real mess.

Yeah, that's an extraneous circumstance of sorts, but if it's been many years and you've specifically told her to stop it's still her problem.

cda
Jan 2, 2010

HAIKUDICATOR

It's because you live together. When you don't live together, it will be ok. Until you stop living together there is no way quick way to fix this. Good luck, OP.

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Sigh. I can't muster even the money for like a four roommate scenario (I'm broke AF until I pick up new employment) so... Let's all just hope I stop catastrophically loving up in time to get that January overseas gig, and then I could not be further from this.

Sic Semper Goon
Mar 1, 2015

It's not my fault!!!

PS: Enjoy my $6.39 AUD, Lowtax.


Nap Ghost

What's it like staying in a capsule hotel? Is it worth the hiring price?

coolusername
Aug 23, 2011


Sic Semper Goon posted:

What's it like staying in a capsule hotel? Is it worth the hiring price?

It was pretty cool! If you're at all claustrophobic, not a good idea, but otherwise I'd say it was a fun experience despite the circumstances. It was large enough to be comfortable lying down fully stretched with about a foot of space spare (I'm 5'8). I got a capsule with a metal door which gave enclosed privacy, and I'm not sure how I'd feel about the 'gently caress it just use a curtain to shield your sleeping body' capsules. The technology was easy to use, with touchscreens for lights and dial for air con, and your average TV remote. The wifi was excellent and unlimited. I wouldn't stay at length because you can't do much besides sleep or blob out sitting in bed, but for one or two nights (assuming you're staying out all day) it'd be fine!

Caufman
May 7, 2007



coolusername posted:

What the heck do I do? I'm so tired and frustrated and she just won't listen or understand or accept that I'm not a kid who needs rescuing 24/7. I'm not allowed to have human emotions that aren't happy while I'm in this house or she thinks I'm going to degrade into suicidal nonsense, and I can't afford to live anywhere else. I've got plans to move out in January overseas, hopefully it works out, but that's months away.

Sorry for the drone mom =/

From what I've learned about communication, to make your point to the other person, it's most effective to speak their language. You already identified to yourself what you want: greater trust and autonomy from your mother. Now it's time she hears in her own words why that's the right move for both of you.

Just brainstorming, does your mom happen to be religious? If she is, I could easily find a scriptural story that shows parents don't have to worry over their children forever; God has a plan for them.

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AWarmBody
Jul 26, 2014

Better than a cold one.

Does your mom have a pet or is she open to the idea of a pet? Maybe transferring her worry-energy into something that actually needs constant care would help both of you find some relief

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