- sabbathi
- Sep 20, 2017
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you just have to read it (when you see lots of consecutive spaces, it means it's gone to the next next page. sorry the spacing isn't as good throughout due to the copy and paste too). It's titled "Hi hi  ", written by The Anti-Christ:
Hello.
I am the Anti-Christ.
I’m a ridiculously good-looking Azn that incarnated in 1988 AD (or CE), I’m the worst driver ever, and, someday, I’m going to write a book.
Who knows what it will be about. All I know is that it has to be cool. And original. Which is great and all but, these days, writers all over are discovering that, with all these books about chocolate factories, dragons and elves, witches and wizards, BDSM…writing a cool original book is becoming literally impossible to do on this planet! Everything’s been done. In the blink of an eye, we’ve also advanced from tens of thousands of years of being hunters and gatherers out in the wild to a civilization that spends its working life in a room staring at screens all day. We’re bombarded by endless amounts of information and constant stimuli. You have to blab nonstop for people to like you. How in HELL are you supposed to sit down all still and quietly string together some stupid story that the billions of people that have walked this earth and counting haven’t already thought of yet?
Worst of all, it’s not even really my fault that I want to write a book so badly. Writing was only my second childhood passion. I remember writing to my teacher in my 1st grade journals about how I was going to be a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. I had great hands. Great Pogs, too. Too bad I weighed less than a hundred pounds for like all of high school. And gently caress the Cowboys.
It sucks ‘cause, when you’re an athlete, you’ve been given a muscular body and a huge black cock to gently caress all kinds of hos around that can actually see you being a winner and dunking or catching a ball on cameras for all to witness since the age of 14, and then an entourage forms around you and before you know it you’re also super rich. Being a writer means you’ll be poor and alone a lot. Like how many aspiring writers get a frontloaded contract worth millions of dollars to write a book? It’d be crazy.
Actually, becoming any kind of artist is quickly becoming a crazier and stupider idea. All the money in Hollywood goes to films like The Fast and the Furious 12, or maybe what we've been missing is a prequel to The Fast and the Furious. Music doesn’t get any crazier than this techno dance awesomeness and stupid poo poo like Dubstep, and no one has to pay for it anymore. All of the "latest" fashion trends come from some generation before us. We can’t even resort to harming ourselves for money like all those heroes on Jackass have already done, it’s hosed. I’m losing my poo poo. I can’t write a book like this. Wait, what year is it right now?
Oh yeah.
It’s the year 2016. Not. Recorded history dates back to 4,000 BCE or some poo poo…who the hell decided that it’s the year 2016?
I’ll tell you who.
Dionysius Exiguus did, back in the 6thcentury.
Who the hell is that?
Dionysius Exiguus translates to Dennis the Dwarf. Or Dennis the Short/the Little/the Small. Surprisingly, he was not a midget. So this dude comes up with the calendar we use today placing 1 CE as the birth of the modern era, owing to the birth of none other than this other dude named Jesus Christ. More on that later. Being a monk, his whole life revolved around that guy.
But what’s funny is that one reason the non-midget wanted to come up with the new calendar in the first place was because the old one was leading people to believe the world was about to end. According to the calendar they were already using, it was believed that the world was 5500 years old when Jesus was born. It was also believed that he would return 500 years after his birth and bring about the end of the world, and so in the year 6000(~500 CE) people were freaking out. Soon enough, several years after had passed by and, guess wat, the world didn’t end. Pretty loving disappointing.
But as it turns out, Dennis was secretly disappointed all along too so he goes off the deep end and goes searching for a much later date for the end of the world on the new calendar. He even goes as far as to correctly calculate during the time of no calculators that May 2000 CE was the date that the Great Year would occur, which was a year when all the planets known at the time lined up in the sky a certain way in relation to this planet, a cosmic event that he thought was supposed to mark the end of the world. This literally wouldn’t happen for another ~1500 years after his time, and not much was known about him, but he sure was obsessed with our annihilation though.
What a guy.
Today we can only hope that all these annoying loving kids born in the 90’s and onward aren’t going about their days not knowing that, before it became trendy to use BCE (Before Common Era) and CE (Common Era), our calendar featured BC (Before Christ) and AD (Anno Domino). People used to run around thinking AD stood for After Death (or worse, After Dinosaurs) and, if anything, there’s even more of them out there these days, don’t listen to them. Anno Domino is Latin for “in the year of our Lord”. As in the birth, not death, of our “Lord” Jesus Christ. And there is no year zero in all this craziness, there is simply 1 BC/BCE, and 1 AD/CE. Just go with it.
The point of this whole switch was to stop pissing off atheists but, at the same time, it’s really nothing more than just a stupid name change. So not only does it add more poo poo to this confusing pile of poo poo of a dating system, which has also taken over the world, it basically discourages critical thinking of our history the last ~2,000 goddamn years.
‘Cause who the hell was this Jesus Christ dude?
The story of Christ comes from a book called the Bible. The Bible is history’s most influential story and the best-selling book of all time, but Harry Potter is still better. It is a compilation of a bunch of random people’s books, split into a two part series: the Old Testament, and the New Testament. It’s worth noting that it is also the most powerful piece of anti-gay rear end in a top hat propaganda ever, yet paradoxically causes tons of priests to keep getting caught molesting little boys.
The Old Testament came out in ~3500 AD, and was all the Middle-Eastern people at the time had for their history for the longest long time. Middle-Eastern people (read: Jews) were especially important back then, as their ideas would eventually take over the world, which sucks, because all the stuff told in the Old Testament is crap. It convinced everyone of insane poo poo like the world being created in seven days, that all men and women came from a sand friend of the family couple named Adam and Eve, and how animals only exist today because this one dude named Noah managed to fit two of every single species on to one boat before God made a gigantic flood wipe out everyone for partying too hard. And not only is it stupid, it’s BORING.
Here’s an excerpt from the Old Testament (and it’s probably not even factual):
“4A man from each tribe shall be with you, each man the head of his ancestral house. 5These are the names of the men who shall assist you:
From Reuben, Elizur son of Shedeur.
6 From Simeon, Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai.
7 From Judah, Nahshon son of Amminadab.
8 From Issachar, Nethanel son of Zuar.
9 From Zebulun, Eliab son of Helon.
10 From the sons of Joseph:
from Ephraim, Elishama son of Ammihud;
from Manasseh, Gamaliel son of Pedahzur.
11 From Benjamin, Abidan son of Gideoni.
12 From Dan, Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai.
13 From Asher, Pagiel son of Ochran.
14 From Gad, Eliasaph son of Deuel.
15 From Naphtali, Ahira son of Enan.
16These were the ones chosen from the congregation, the leaders of their ancestral tribes, the heads of the divisions of Israel.”
Cool story.
The New Testament is a tad easier to follow, it’s where the story of Christ is told, but overall it’s retarded too, and responsible for all those loving Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses that show up at my door. Those religions, like many others, are offshoots of a cult called Christianity, each believing Jesus was the savior of the universe. Though Christians wish it were true, nowhere in the Old Testament does it foretell the coming of Christ.
The coming of Christ is what happened on December 25th of 1 AD (and the reason we celebrate Christmas), when a Jew named Jesus Christ was born to the Virgin Mary. Which makes total perfect sense. Not really, but this was a big deal because she was a pregnant virgin and not whoring around…she was impregnated by the “Holy Spirit”! Imagine that. So this guy Jesus is believed to be the Son of God, actually, he is God, and he grows up to become a carpenter. Soon he gets bored of that and does what any other bored guy should do: start a cult. His cult is centered around him being God, his moral superiority to everyone else, and travelling from town to town telling folks how to love and act - which is O.K. because he keeps pulling all kinds of stunts. He’s healing people left and right, turning water into booze, getting hos to wash his feet, all kinds of stuff.
Before you know it, his narcissism and showoffiness has pissed off a lot of people (read: Jews), and they want him dead. Of course, being God, he already knows this, this was his plan all along. So he rounds up his followers for one last meal, takes them to dramatic mountaintop scenery to pray afterward, where he is then met and arrested by a mob of angry Jews. He gets tortured and bitch slapped around for a while, and then gets hung up on a cross to die. He’s cool with this though as, to him, everyone is a sinner, and dying for us meant a one time deal where everyone that exists and will exist is forgiven of their sins. Right when he dies, crazy poo poo happens (such as an earthquake), and the token guard standing nearby is like “Oh gently caress…that dude really was God!”
But it’s all good, as a few days later his buddies come by his tomb for whatever reason, and discover that his body is missing. Just when they thought it was over, he pulls an Obi Wan Kenobi and reappears to them as an angel ghost, recommends that they tell everyone his tale, and then blasts off to heaven. Everyone who doesn’t believe all this is going straight to Hell. The end. (Or is it?)
Overall, and as an aspiring writer, I’d give this story an F. It wouldn’t even be until decades after for it to come out, maybe even centuries, as it took a while for writers back then to come up with this kind of bullshit. Christians will argue against this and flip out, but think about it: Not a single person thought to document just one of his events while they were actually happening. At least half or possibly even all of the stories surrounding his death were hearsay accounts. There is no historical evidence that Jesus existed outside of the Bible. The Bible has been retranslated and edited many times throughout history. My penis is big for an Asian.
Whether Jesus really existed or not, one thing’s for sure: His myth has changed the entire scope of human history. Our country wouldn’t even exist today had the Pilgrims not escaped religious persecution from some Christian church in Europe so that they could practice their own stupid form of Christianity [There were settlers before them, but they didn’t establish any colonies that lead to the social policies crucial to the foundation of this country. Also, people often say this nation wasn’t founded as a Christian nation because the “Founding” Fathers weren’t big fans of Christ, but they came way after the colonies were already established, so yeah]. A couple of centuries before, Christ’s takeover of the New World was also seen with Spain’s conquest of Latin America, and remained that way even after they got kicked out. It’s basically why every freaking Mexican you meet is Roman Catholic (the first form of Christianity). But let’s talk about where all this crusading began: Rome.
The Roman Empire at its peak pretty much ruled the world. Though it was ripe with civil unrest and famous for its political strife, there was one thing they were good at: war. They had one of the most efficient, effective and brutal armies the world has ever seen, in fact, much of their economy was based on looting existing resources of conquered territories. With achievements such as sanitation, medicine, education, entertainment, and aqueducts, they were extraordinarily advanced. Another defining characteristic was their religious tolerance, as they integrated the religions of the assimilated cultures and allowed them to practice whatever they wanted so long as they also worshiped the Roman gods (which included the emperor).
But one religion came along that pissed them off and wouldn’t go along with the program, which was Christianity. Christians are monotheistic, meaning they believe there is only one God, and they like to go around trolling others by saying all other religions are false. Even worse, one of the emperors tried eradicating Christians, bringing more sympathy to their cause. Once the territorial expansion of the Roman Empire came to an end hence ruining their economy based on plundering, and they also had stretched themselves too thin, amongst all kinds of other problems, they rapidly began to decline. They had also split into the Western Roman Empire and the Eastern Roman Empire, and then in the 4th century, one emperor in particular named Constantine made an effort to reunite the two by declaring Christianity the official state religion, leading to the creation of the Roman Catholic Church.
Before you know it, and witnessing the swift growth and awesome level of social control, seemingly every nation (which even included the ones that conquered Rome) started making Christianity their religion as well. Though the Western Roman Empire and 1,000 years later the Eastern Roman Empire would physically dissolve, they were immortalized through religious power. Instead of supporting the government, soon the Church BECAME the government, as Popes began to command more power than kings, even art and culture became Christianized. Then the European powers rose, and they spread Christianity all over this planet. Because of this, Christianity is the main base of all of Western Civilization. Which now rules the world. So they proved that it was it was easier to control societies they conquered not with brute force, but with winning their hearts and minds by uniting them under the cause of a particular religion.
So why did everyone love Christianity so much?
People have always feared death, the triviality of existence. Life had to have really sucked back then too, considering all these idiots had to take dumps out in the wild and die from plagues and whatnot. So it really was only a matter of time before SOME sort of unified effort came along to offer purpose and self worth to them. We’re talking about miles upon miles of different farming communities and a bunch of different cities with diverse cultures, and religion just has this binding effect on humanity. In this lovely world, it also happened to be a fanciful thing to follow Christ’s ideas of loving thy neighbor, forgiveness, and other gay poo poo like that anyway, as I’m sure there were a lot more assholes running around than there are today. Altogether, the writers were supposedly psychic mediums writing down God's words, and the story they tell is that God came down to us as a super nice guy, he taught other people that they should be nice, and he died for being too nice, therefore everyone should be nice too.
It can be argued that there were many philosophers before Christ that preached similar ideas to his…but, in the end, they were loving losers. At that point, intellectuals and rulers had a great pool of knowledge on how to control the population, and the race to invent a religion that appeals to everyone's desire to be nice and keeps them docile was on. I'm trying to get into the minds of the writers of Christ's story and see the novel structure they used to seduce people into acting how they were wanted to, what their agenda was, who their employer was. It's amazing to me how the masses just ate that poo poo up. The printing press also wouldn’t be invented until the 15th century, so only the wealthiest had access to any information pertaining to the validity of these stories. Not to mention no one knew how to read - people didn’t know what to believe. But a lot of them sure figured that they might as well try to get to party in Heaven, rather than risk burning in Hell, with Charlie Sheen.
I think all this will be important to include when I write my book.
So Christianity comes along, lets people believe that they’re spreading good by being out in the world taking over other people’s lands and their religious beliefs, during the time when life sucks poo poo and everyone’s afraid of God and death, and eventually it has won over every continent that matters. The idea of God is truly the most seductive thing ever.
But most important is the fuel for this train to Nutsoville. It’s a mysteriously powerful awesome substance, that I like to call DOOM. See, of course these people aren’t only out spreading Christianity out of the goodness of their hearts, what they fear is DOOM. DOOM is the threat of impending doom, whether it’s through earthquakes, floods, man made events (say the sun stops working and we all freeze to death. That would be Sun doom. Or say we reach peak oil and nuke the earth out of existence fighting over what’s left, that would be Oil doom), but especially as a part of God’s wrath. DOOM is also a 90’s computer game and the father of all shooter games, where you ran around with a gun or chainsaw killing goat men and assorted demonic enemies. Well guess what, all those goat men and demonic enemies you killed with a chainsaw exist because of the Bible too. Such characters are said to spring up when the ultimate DOOM occurs, which is the one written about in the Bible: The Apocalypse. Because the writers were mind ninjas, the last chapter of the Bible is a fear instilling tirade about how the Devil (a.k.a Satan) is visiting us on Earth, not to be cool with us, but to be mean. And by mean I mean he’s gonna bring Hell to your neighborhood and there’s gonna be lotsa dragons, lions, and other scary beasts and some whore is going to have sex with one of the beasts with your house on fire in the background. The end.
Wait. There is still hope. Jesus is showing up to save us (again), wait nevermind, just some of us. All you have to do is repent your sins and say you’re his bitch and you’ll be fine. Just kidding. You won’t. You’ll be taken to heaven, that boring rear end place where you sing songs about him forever and ever. You’re hosed! The end.
When faced with these two options as the sole purpose of our existence, for millenniums most people have decided they’d rather go to heaven over Satan’s badass destruction mayhem party. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed in the Crusades and many burned at stake fighting for this cause, yet still no DOOM. What gives? Nuns go through their whole life without getting laid because of this poo poo.
That brings me to my pops.
Seeing how I came to exist on this boring, lovely earth, the man’s clearly gotten laid once. Which makes no sense, because my mother is not a whore so it’s not like he paid her to do sex, he just happened to get it somehow despite being THE unsexiest man to ever live.
It’s possible he started out somewhat cool, but he discovered Christ in his early 20’s, and it’s been nothing but downhill since. He’s afraid of going to Hell, so already he made the fatal mistake of taking life seriously, and this constant fear of God’s judgment wiped out whatever sense of humor he had left.
He was also given the Asian culture's greatest honor of being the last male left in the family to carry on the family name. All of my ancestors’ lives have been culminating towards this event, this dumbass who spends his life chasing his fantasies of an Arab dude.
Adding to this nonsense is the fact that he’s an engineer, so he goes into work and demonstrates that he’s adept in sciences during the day, only to morph back into his brain damaged true self whose belief system involves the physical universe being created in seven days by night.
Of course I didn’t see that until I was much older, because growing up I thought he was the smartest man in the world seeing how he always had the right answers to my math and science homework, and knew how to fix everything in the house. To make things worse, kids are such loving assholes, so being around them a lot lead me to conclude that my pops is also right about being a nice God guy. So my ears would perk up and I’d listen intently on our frequent car rides where he’d tell me all about how the world is going to end soon and we have to save everyone from going to Hell, and then I’d share this wisdom with my pals whenever us kids had one of those deep talks. Then when they were scared shitless, I’d show how much I don’t want them to burn for eternity by giving them my copy of the Bible, and they’d appreciate me.
But then I’d be playing basketball and having so much fun and start wondering how such a wonderful life could just go up in smoke, which would inevitably lead me to wonder if my pops was just a dumbass.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but holy gently caress, this man was abusive.
I’m kind of a dumbass myself so I should’ve learned to respect that he had some serious boundaries and anger issues considering my earliest childhood memory is of him dragging my mom by her wrists onto the kitchen floor of our lovely apartment (back when we were poor), but at the time I was too young to understand that people tend to repeat behaviors instead of doing crazy poo poo like that once out of extraordinary circumstances. Though that’s as far as he ever went with her. Wife beating is not promoted in the Bible. But it does say to not “spare the rod”, which means you have to rage on your kids with a stick instead of intelligently reasoning with them about why they were being an rear end in a top hat. Which is okay, I was an annoying little poo poo sometimes, but most of the time it was over dumb religion. Not acting according to the Bible, not turning in assignments to him about the Bible, saying the Bible is boring and dumb, things like that. But by far the worst was making us go to the lamest place ever: Church.
Church is what made him start beating up my sister well into her teens when she refused to go. It’s where he would donate 10% of his income to, and then whine about not having money. The ringleader of these packs of idiots is called a Pastor, and he makes his living off all the people that go there every Sunday to listen to him spout the same bullshit over and over and not watch football. My sisters and I were in the Youth Group Pastor’s service, which is the same stupid poo poo, only it’s full of pubescent teenagers and young adults being taught that sex is evil. Actually, everything is evil. Masturbating is evil. Non-Christian music is evil. Becoming rich is evil. Harry Potter is evil. Whenever an unmarried couple, or any couple for that matter, would start making out on television my dad would change the channel and say “This is sick!”. One would think from being so repressed he’d unleash his passion on my mother, but I never saw so much as a peck on the cheek. It was really weird. Christians claim sex is a gift from God reserved only for married couples, so by the time they get around to it they’re trash in bed so it’s common for the couple to just not engage in any physical intimacy whatsoever and sit around playing Monopoly or some poo poo. Or in my dad’s case (my mom only went to church to keep the family in order), pretend he converted his wife to unsexy so he can ignore her and live in his fantasy world where he’s the beloved ruler of a God fearing family owing its existence to him. He takes everything the Bible says literally, and it says you have to love that imaginary dude Jesus more than your own family so things were pretty awkward around him, to say the least.
So after the church services the next 4 hours would be lunch with all these weird men and their gossipy wives, and my family pretending to be a happy Christian family. Then we’d go home, where the kids hate him yet fight with each other constantly out of misguided frustration, and where my mom hadn’t slept in the same room with him in years and was too paranoid we’d end up even more hosed up if she divorced him. Though it had nothing to do with her decision to stick around and actually gently caress up the family more, of course my pops was telling her how divorce isn’t allowed in the Bible and she’d go to Hell. Ridiculous. He actually thinks he’s helping people out by attacking everyone hoping they become as stupid, weak, and unamusing as he is, so overall he’s a total success in the art of dying alone.
The saddest part is, literally one third of the world is Christian subscribes to this bullshit, and another 20% (and growing) are Muslim. That means that more than half of the minds in the world even in today’s age are compromised by the nonsense that is Jesus Christ. You can’t even ignore them and let them live like retards because they started blowing up our buildings and poo poo. I’m on Planet Stupid.
It was my third year of college when I met JailBait. She has black/brownish hair, nice green eyes, and her two front teeth sorta protrude so she's got one of them Bugs Bunny-esque smiles. She's actually my age too, she's just JailBait 'cause she's a cute little girl, and looks like jail bait. It was weird when we met because she also went to my university, but we were on the beach in my hometown 500 miles away, and it just so happened we were both visiting home that random weekend during the middle of the semester. She had gone to my rival high school. My best friend at the time had introduced us, and she seemed really stuck up so we didn't really get along when we met. Bye psycho.
I was half retarded about women at the time too (I had just lost my virginity), and after eventually figuring out that when a girl tries to size you up it's because she likes you, there she was back in my life, and we really started to click. Despite being a social butterfly, she was half retarded too seeing how she was into a weirdo like me (she was a cheerleader in high school...I was the goober kid whose head once got shat on by a seagull while walking to my next class), it was the perfect fit, I had it all figured out. And so began the story of my first love.
I'd really like to write a book because, honestly, I have no loving idea what else I should do. It's like, I finish college, then I'm supposed to get a job I hate. I suck at acting, I'm too dumb to make music, and I'm not good enough at video games to be one of those Starcraft sex icons back home in Korea. I don't really have any other avenue outside of working in an office. Doing the same poo poo week in and week out for years on end. Office politics. Looking at boring paperwork all the time. I'd shoot myself by 30. No, I have to write a book. Books, even. You can always write a different kind of book. Yes, that's it. Being an author is sexy these days. Not to mention the average young adult sends 67 text messages a day, in essence, we have all become writers. Might as well write a book. Can't get too distracted by all these other writers blowing up my phone either.
I also want to write a book to make my mom happy. She's also Azn, so she thinks I suck seeing how my sisters went to Ivy Leagues and got good jobs, what the gently caress happened with me. She's already had so much pain in her life, I need to get my poo poo together. I have to make babies. I'm the last male to the family name, like my pops. I hate babies. gently caress. Even worse, she doesn't want me writing books. She wants me to finish college, get a job, then write books. She has threatened to cut me off financially if I try to write a book now. Then I'd be homeless, or worse, working at Wal-Mart every day. If I have to work long hours, I won't want to write books, just catch dinner with friends, go home, watch a movie then sleep. What ever am I going to do?
I really don't know what it is about me that I get bored so easily. My personal theory is that males just aren't cut out for modern society, as we are genetically wired to chase after poo poo to kill and stick our penis in vagina. Somewhere along the line, societal changes lead us to become pussies. Now men are lauded for coming up with stuff like Google Earth, which only contributes to the discovery of the saddest fact of life: There are no more adventures to be had in the world.
300 years ago, the world was still wide open, myths and folklores of islands full of magical creatures ran rampant. Your parents could tell you stories about the outside world when they tucked you in at night that left you scared shitless and excited, you could tell your friends about the time you hosed a mermaid out in Mordor and had to help abort her eggs with her dad's pitchfork thing, it was awesome. Then Google Earth happened, we officially realized there was nothing cool left to explore, and now today's idea of an adventure is a football player that is known for what lots of men have done and put it in other men's butts, yet is still able to play football. A woman shopping at Home Depot. Giving that new burger joint a try, as if you've never had a burger.
It's almost like the smarter you are, the sooner you'll be bored. Because once you've already done something once, are you so dumb that you need to keep repeating that same experience to internalize it? We've basically traded away mystery and wonder for monotony and security, so it's no wonder intelligent people are more and more turning to drugs, or even suicide. I refuse to have kids so that they can sit around all bored playing on their iPhone 24s and their Playstation 12s when they're not working. I'm nice like that. And what's funny is that the suicide rate is less of an issue in poor countries. It's like they're too busy searching for food, water, clothes, and shelter to have time to be bored. So your only two options are either A) be poor and miserable, or B) kill yourself. Or if you're me and can't kill yourself because your mom will be sad, and don't want to be poor and miserable, then you gotta ????
Smoke weed eryday.
I think it’s funny how people don’t believe in God. Sure, it’s ridiculous to think there’s a mean destructive God watching your every move, but all you have to do is look at a picture of the beach or rainforest or some poo poo to realize how cool it is we have all sorts of colors and shapes combining to create such beautiful scenery. If that’s not enough, consider the fact that we came to be alive on a giant rock floating in outer space after a perfect storm of billions of years of poo poo happening. If that’s still not enough, consider that on this giant rock there just so happens to be all the elements needed to create cars for us to get around, electric guitars and speakers so we can listen to music, all kinds of different dishes for our taste buds. Another one that sticks out is the camera.
It’s almost like we were forced to live on this beautiful planet, yet on it there’s not much to do except create and capture memories of us doing ridiculous poo poo. Reality TV has taken over because we are the craziest reality show ever, and it's called Life. Keep in mind that we are the pinnacle of evolution. Our ancestors fought brutal wars and each day was a battle for survival, and now our primary function is surviving boredom. So we were pretty much created to enjoy life. That's the end game. It’s our destiny. I can prove it, too. I look around and see all these technologies we enjoy, the ability to choose what I want for breakfast, not worrying about getting eaten by a lion, and I can’t help but think we’re doing something right. Theoretically, I can invent something cool that makes life easier like a candle that doubles as a bong and bam, I’m set for life. No more work, no more assholes telling me what to do, lobster for breakfast lunch and dinner. It’s called Capitalism. And from the birth of this planet to the present, capitalism is the cause of all these cool technologies in cars, planes, computers, etc. in every parallel universe. So life was designed for our way of life to take over at some point.
Life was also designed to be pretty simple, really. It all breaks down to the yin yang. The Pepsi symbol totally copied the yin yang, only it's red and blue half circles instead of black and white. The yin/yang represents how everything about our universe is made up of two polarities: There's male, there's female. Night/day. Positive/negative. Sun/Moon. Macrocosmic/Microcosmic. Gay/Not gay. Etc. Other parts of the universe may be different, but based on what we know about physics, it probably only varies slightly.
And I hate being negative, but I don't think we were meant to be able to leave this rock. I'm not sure how many more space shuttle crashes it'll take for us to understand this, but we're trapped here, it sucks. Space is just so infinite, full of other cool stuff I’m sure, and you'll die if you try to explore it, what the heck. It's 'cause life is also a test, this planet is our testing grounds, we cannot leave. Our mission is here, to grow to our full potential, and find love and other gay poo poo.
And it gets crazier. The reason why Dennis the Dwarf was so high on May 2000 AD (The Great Year) is because, according to the best calculations of the time, that was the year that marked the end of the Age of Pisces. The Age of Pisces is astrological stuff. To sum it up, astrology is the belief that, based on the positions of the stars and planets were at the moment you came out of your mom’s vagina, your basic personality traits are already predetermined by them. It’s the world’s first science, and all kinds of books and studies have made attempts to prove astrology, so far none of them have pulled it off, so who knows exactly how it works. All I know is that it does. And it’s not to be confused with the horoscopes you read in the daily newspaper, those are just made up on the fly by the newspaper people so that they have the money to do newspaper people stuff. Anyhoo, if for example you’re a Gemini, you’re likely to be more talkative (read: annoying) than others, because the sign of Gemini is all about talking and communication. There’s a whole lot more to it, as you have other signs that describe different facets of your personality, but that one is your main one. And when we are dealing with the Earth’s personality as it is leaving Pisces and entering (the Age of) Aquarius, it can be said that we are all subject to living out Aquarian traits such as rapid technological advancement, humor, and intellectualism. Which brings me to the Internet.
The internet is THE invention that we’ve all been waiting for ever since mankind started inventing poo poo. It is the tool that will bring us into the Aquarian Age. Finally, some cool invention that allows us to store our lame memories, instantly communicate with people in distant lands, and stream free pornography. Now 10 year olds can be more knowledgeable than the most well read individuals in all of history up to this point. Leaky faucet? gently caress paying a plumber, who your wife might potentially have sex with. Save yourself the trouble and Google how to fix that poo poo. Bored? Watch some Japanese bug fights, or order a nice hookah set for you and your friends. The new culture is there is no culture, just everything cool and good from other cultures mashed together for us to consume. All of our experiences have combined to form a hivemind. It’s within this hivemind that we can witness God in action. Think about a song you love and you’ll be walking outside when you discover the fates have lead a car blasting it to drive by you. Or you’ll miss somebody and run into that person, hear from them, or somebody else will bring them up to you a bit later. It’s almost like we have antennas in our heads airing out our thoughts, and some indescribable force is there to connect you with it in physical reality. And due to the amount of technology we have in internet, cell phones, radio, our channels are more open than ever so these connections will only become easier to make. What this means is that we are all connected. Our growing awareness of this is a huge sign that the Age of Aquarius is beginning. Science has already started to investigate quantum physics and consciousness, there's a link between them.
And this was all predicted by the people that created the story of Jesus Christ. Two millenniums ago. Who knows who exactly they are, we’ll just call them a super secret society. And now that we have calculators and are experts in astronomy (the boring mathematic and scientific study of the stars), we know that the next Age occurs every 2160 years. Which means they did a pretty good job with what little technology they had in figuring out our Earth’s astrology stuff. Around ~155 BC, the Earth was entering the Age of Pisces, so suddenly it became important that we idealize Piscean things - compassion and forgiveness, loving thy neighbor, sacrifice, the stuff Christ embodied. Just the next step in our collective soul’s progression. The will of the masses.
Why the timing of the cycles of the stars and planets have an effect on your personality is beyond me. Then again, that is what nature was built on, life wouldn't work without the cyclical nature of the four seasons. And there are lots of things about nature that doesn’t make sense. Like the animal eye could only possibly see so many miles, much less underwater, how do whales know how to travel tens of thousands of miles to their breeding grounds when it's mating season without getting lost? Spider mothers don’t teach their young to spin webs. They’re born and they just do it. Scientists will chalk it up as instinct, case closed. Too bad instinct makes no sense. And humans are part of nature, so it makes sense that human nature is also built a lot on instinct. We need different kinds of people for different kinds of jobs, how lame would that be if everyone just did what was smart or liked the same things? Instinct has saved us from a lot of boredom. These instincts show up in people in a cyclical nature, it's one of the ways humankind has managed to keep moving along, and will always continue progressing and sustain itself. Someone planned all this. Freemasons refer to him/her/it as G.A.O.T.U. The Great Architect Of The Universe. I like that name.
You know what I don’t like though? Muslims. They’re just as retarded, if not more retarded, than Christians. They oppress women and make them dress like ninjas and it’s so unsexy and I hate it.
Know what else I don’t like? Lebron James.
It was obvious from the get-go that he is the greatest player of our generation, so this kid shows up into the NBA and immediately dons number 23, Michael Jordan’s number. Real original, kid. I love his pregame ritual where he goes up to the stand and throws up his makeup powder in the air like some kind of fairy, too. Then he’s such a cool guy that he goes and does a TV special broadcasting his decision to quit on his hometown team that drafted him, joins a superstar team, and immediately loses his second championship. Michael Jordan on the other hand was a perfect 6 for 6 in championship appearances. But he finally wins one, and so of course he brags about it all over the media, never realizing that, being the most athletic bodied person of all time, winning is what he should’ve been doing all along. Then he gets his rear end handed to him in the championship again, and he quits that team too. Seeing how everyone hates him and it makes for a wonderful summer every time he loses a championship, he makes a good PR move and goes back to Cleveland, where he can help continue their streak of always losing at sports and lower the faggo-meter of cool cities like Miami. Smart move signing a 2 year contract too, he knows his whiny rear end will be out of there again shortly after losing to Golden State in the finals again. The only possible way he can earn my respect at this point is if he A) stops being a lil human being kid, and B) sixpeats, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen cuz he’s gonna get pussy cramps during the championships and turn the ball over at the worst times. MJ 4 life.
Once JailBait had fallen for me, I knew it because suddenly the universe was putting us together in the same room at every turn. Whether it was at a gas station, a party, or a bar, we couldn’t not end up in the same place. I know she wasn’t stalking me, I wasn’t that cool, love just has some magical quality to it that causes the collective consciousness to act in ways that favor the two individuals. Up until this point, I was keeping me in her mind by having funny and cool Facebook statuses. It was somewhere between my dick jokes and cute stories about daily life that she finally started writing Coldplay lyrics on her profile about me, then it was make out time.
It was here that things went wrong.
Every time I saw her, I would try to come up with something smooth to say as a segue into the make out, like a Ryan Gosling character would do in the movies. But I was really anti talking about my feelings for her and appearing vulnerable, and I don't believe in scripting conversations beforehand, so every time I would just stand there mind blank like an idiot and try to figure out something good to say, and she'd get bored and leave. Real life isn't like the movies, it's difficult and, if anything, there's been so many movies that you might accidentally copy the lines from a kissing scene in a movie she's already seen when she just wanted you to shut up and kiss her and now it's all just too cheesy for her. So if you really love someone and they love you and want you to kiss them, don't complicate poo poo and just go for it, life's too short and too much poo poo can go wrong in it. I must have messed it up three times with her at this point, and it sucked. Of course I would look forward to trying again, but by then she had already left to New York for an internship for the summer.
That's when I really really fell in love with her. It was like a painful reminder that she could leave my dumbass and move to the east lame coast. So I did what any grown man in my situation would do and continued writing lulz on my Facebook so that she wouldn't forget about me over the next few months.
I can't stop thinking about how guns are making us stupider. Gun advocates whine about their constitutional rights being violated when intelligent people do the obviously smart thing and try to ban guns, it's idiots appealing to a tradition that is outdated and dumb, just like religion. The 2nd Amendment was written back when a buncha wankers from the U.K. were oppressing our people and hunting for food didn't involve going through McDonald's drive-thru. How the gently caress were the Founding Fathers supposed to know that the children in this country would end up being a mob of self-entitled shitlords that played way too much Grand Theft Auto instead of doing things that offer meaning. Not that there's anything wrong with Grand Theft Auto, it's the greatest, but it's a bad influence to some people, they need to find a more productive hobby, or a friend, for gently caress's sake. Life is loving boring so there really is nothing to do but work on something cool or bullshit with friends. These kids that come from broken homes that end up shooting up schools and malls and poo poo felt disliked, wahhh. The truth is, nobody likes you, except maybe yo mom, go find a reason to be liked. This is America so they probably don't have to worry about food and basic needs, and there's millions of reasons to be liked, there is no excuse for not incorporating a few. Of course some people just suck, I'm sure it will always be this way, and kids will be mean to other kids, that will also never change, so why allow guns and risk letting these dumb faggots get one? Then there is a shooting and CNN goes off and the guys in suits and hot reporters go on TV and bring random idiots onto the show to debate whether gun laws are okay or not, not that it matters because nothing is changed by Congress anyways, and then it's memorial services and interviews with crying people for the next month. Then we all forget and two months later another one happens. Oh no. How did this happen??? How do we make this madness stop?!
I don't know. Ban guns? Then our police would have to use rubberized bullets and tazers, and as often as they want, which would loving own and then I'd want to be a police officer. And we'd tell our grandkids about the days when people lived in the fear of getting killed randomly just because we had to please a bunch of rednecks that had nothing better to do but whine about not being able to shoot raccoons from their porch and life here was just totally ignorant. If you still have the entertainment needs of a 10 year old and absolutely need to shoot a gun, you could, I don't know, go to a shooting range? We could set up hunting grounds? We sent a man to the moon, I'm sure we can figure it out. Meanwhile, gently caress the South.
The next step in our evolution in not being morons would be to accept abortion. But as always, the mouthbreather religious fundies are there to dole out unwanted and bad advice. Then girls feel guilty about doing what's smart, and that is how crack babies that grow up to be crackheads just like their mothers after years of abuse and neglect in crackville are born. Or a girl has a rapist's baby because she was high on Jesus, hence too stupid to be a good mother anyway, kid ends up hosed up. I guess once the fetus has developed brain activity and such it'd be pretty messed up and should probably be illegal, but it rarely ever gets to that point. Then obviously comes the problem that life is loving boring so it'd be pretty cruel to bring a child into this world if you don't have the adequate means to at least support it as it seeks out something that makes it happy. Or if you don't have the parenting skills to teach it how to not be a shithead and wreck its karma in this life. There's too many things that can go wrong with a human life, and the sad fact is that most people aren't cut out for raising children. They should literally make you pass tests or something before you're allowed to breed. And on the topic of breeding, who in their right mind would intentionally risk ending up being responsible for birthing a guy like me? People are so retarded.
The most awesome food in the world right now is Pho noodles. It's pronounced "fuh", so some places name their restaurant silly names like Pho King. Or Pho Shizzle. It's the only good thing to come out of Vietnam, and it's also kind of cheating because it's loaded with MSG so it's actually addictive. I could eat this poo poo every day. It's basically soup, noodles, and meat. Weirdos get it with tripe, which is the lining of sheep intestine and looks all spiny and it's nasty, I just get it with rare steak. After you order it and you're waiting for it to come out, you then get one of those little dishes they have out and fill half of it with Sriracha sauce (the red sauce inside the bottle with the rooster logo on it), and the other half with the mystery black sauce, then stir that poo poo together. This is what you will dip your meat in for extra awesomeness. They practice black magic or something back there so it'll come out of the kitchen and onto your table in just 3 minutes or so later, at which point you say to the waiter "Could I get some sliced onions and extra limes as well?" Because I'm an idiot and always forget to order it beforehand. And then you shift the noodles on top of the meat so that it cooks in the heat at the bottom of the bowl, squeeze in 2.14 seconds worth of the Sriracha sauce, 3.4 worth of the mystery black sauce, and then squirt 4 lime slices over the noodles. And then you add the sliced onions. And then you add the cilantro they'll bring out. And then you add the basil leaves. And then you eat. And then you order a Green Apple Boba. Or a Thai Tea Boba. And then you are happy . It's also good plain too. Welp. I need some Pho now.
i didn't read this, thanks OP
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Dec 2, 2017 00:00
