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lofi
Apr 2, 2018



I like it! I think you could probably lop off the first stanza, though - it doesn't add anything to the story.

(Also for some reason in my head it's Nick Cave performing this )

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areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Agreed, very funny! Good rhymes and assonance which made it very musical. I definitely liked it. Some suggestions:

1. Definitely cut the first stanza, I agree with Lofi. It doesn’t add anything and cheapens the humor with cheese.

2. Pay close attention to your meter. One of the biggest strengths of the first half of the poem is that your meter and rhymes are close to spot on. It breaks down a bit in the second half and you lose some musicality because of it.

3. Your weakest stanza is “Glazing...” but really the last three are very weak compared to the rest. I suggest starting there for edits.

Overall a very lyrical attempt that I really dig. Fix some of the meter and the close of the poemand you’ve got a good ballad

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

Thank you! I also felt that the last 3 stanzas were the weakest but I rushed a bit to submit it in time for a competition so it suffers a lot from "first draft"-itis, which I'd like to rework. I'll start with those and see what comes out

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010


PurdWerfect posted:

I have zero knowledge of poetry but I like words alot. Anyway, this is recent. Critique away.

I know a dear one with a chaos heart

And a mindless blind wolf at the door

Presence of teeth is promise of fangs

Life in this bordered and bordering wild

Whistle in graveyards, run dry in deluge

Hot breath on tendon, this fluttered heart

High and low then snapped back to middle

Life in this bordered and bordering wild


Hi. circling back to this poem. I really like these four bolded lines. like they are really good. you've got great imagery and theme going with them.

the other ones, maybe they have some imagery and maybe they advance the theme, but they're either kind of pretentiously worded (presence of teeth is promise of fangs, what the heck that's not a sentence!!), or they aren't that clear (also see above). each and every line needs to pack a punch so something like "high and low then snapped back to middle" is just too empty for me

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Also here is a blatant plug for my poetry workshop thread... https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3853119

Come write poems with us! Once we’re done with the book I was thinking we could maybe do a Thunderdome style poetry thread (“Thunderpoem”?)

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



I'm well on for that.

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



GenJoe posted:

Hi. circling back to this poem. I really like these four bolded lines. like they are really good. you've got great imagery and theme going with them.

the other ones, maybe they have some imagery and maybe they advance the theme, but they're either kind of pretentiously worded (presence of teeth is promise of fangs, what the heck that's not a sentence!!), or they aren't that clear (also see above). each and every line needs to pack a punch so something like "high and low then snapped back to middle" is just too empty for me

Thanks for this, it's really helpful feedback. I don't say this to get a pass on my writing, but in this case, the friend I'm writing this for very much has death on their mind. We all do, but this person's concern is so much more immediate. I write to very specific people and situations, and yes, I'm pretentious often. High and low and snapped back to middle is very weak, and I need to find a better way to say how our feelings are so unsteady and scattered. Again, thank you.

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Here’s something dumb:

Cereal

Did you hear about the maniac?

The one who’s evading the copse?

I’ve heard the police captain has all the troupes out looking for him.

They say he’s a killer, evil down to his very sole.

He’s sleighed five already.

I wouldn’t want to him to meat me in a dark alley, let me tell you.

I don’t go out at night anymore, even with the extra police presents.

You red about that girl? The last one to dye?

She was chaste all the way from 7th to 10th street, but no one did anything about it.

It’s a shame the rain washed away all the clues, a real dam shame.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



^ Needs more puns. The rain/dam red/dye lines are my favourites. I'd probably switch the dark alley and police presents lines around, so you can have sleighed and presents following each other.

I've done more of the 'random generated word, 1h to make a poem' thing, and I swear the generator is taking the piss:

Yawn

An orbit is just a fall without an impact.
Earth falls towards Sun, you fall towards Earth.
When you fall at the same speed, in the same direction,
you stay together.
A careless change in velocity, and you drift apart.
Chasm yawns between ship and pilot, glacial, unstoppable.
No friendly ground here, no equal and opposite, no way
to exert strength
To change your fall, all you can do is cast mass away.
Exhale. Breath held in vacuum detonates lungs.
Close eyes, lest the moisture boil off as they freeze.
Alarms fade without air to transmit them.
Throw it all behind you and fly.

lofi fucked around with this message at Apr 21, 2018 around 23:56

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



areyoucontagious posted:

Here’s something dumb:

Cereal

Did you hear about the maniac?

The one who’s evading the copse?

I’ve heard the police captain has all the troupes out looking for him.

They say he’s a killer, evil down to his very sole.

He’s sleighed five already.

I wouldn’t want to him to meat me in a dark alley, let me tell you.

I don’t go out at night anymore, even with the extra police presents.

You red about that girl? The last one to dye?

She was chaste all the way from 7th to 10th street, but no one did anything about it.

It’s a shame the rain washed away all the clues, a real dam shame.

I like this. Words are fun.

ibts
Jan 17, 2015

i want to be crushed beneath a pile of 2.5 tons of dogs

I didn't realize there was a proper poetry thread on SA! I'll look back at some stuff posted semi-recently and give my thoughts, but I wanted to ask if it's alright I post a thing or two even if I'm not exactly a "newbie" (I've been writing poetry for like 7 years now or so) but I haven't been published by a big magazine or publishing house or anything so whether I'm good is just subjective I guess.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011




as the new to thread posting OP i say Post Away

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


ibts posted:

I didn't realize there was a proper poetry thread on SA! I'll look back at some stuff posted semi-recently and give my thoughts, but I wanted to ask if it's alright I post a thing or two even if I'm not exactly a "newbie" (I've been writing poetry for like 7 years now or so) but I haven't been published by a big magazine or publishing house or anything so whether I'm good is just subjective I guess.

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


lofi posted:


I've done more of the 'random generated word, 1h to make a poem' thing, and I swear the generator is taking the piss:

Yawn

An orbit is just a fall without an impact.

Earth falls towards Sun, you fall towards Earth.
This is is one of the only lines that I thought was meaningful. It’s a fragment though, which was a bit distracting.


When you fall at the same speed, in the same direction,
you stay together.
A careless change in velocity, and you drift apart.
Chasm yawns between ship and pilot, glacial, unstoppable.
No friendly ground here, no equal and opposite, no way
to exert strength

To change your fall, all you can do is cast mass away.
Another okay line, because of the sentiment, but “to change your fall” is super clunky.

Exhale. Breath held in vacuum detonates lungs.
Close eyes, lest the moisture boil off as they freeze.
Alarms fade without air to transmit them.
Throw it all behind you and fly.

I’m underwhelmed. This isn’t nearly as strong as some of your other stuff. I think a large part of the problem is A) title, which makes me think I’m bored already, B) the vagueness of the language- this feels like a technical document where every other line is skipped in an effort to be poetic, and C) structure, which is needlessly complicated.

Personally I’d junk this one :/

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Here’s some twee garbage I wrote after reading one of the recently published poems on the American poetry review. Sometimes things are pretty self indulgent so I tried to replicate the effort.


Mirrors in the night time

I keep a mirror

in my closet

Back with my shirts and boxed-up winter clothes

it hangs

reflecting the darkness of and around my face

Just me

Looking into a well

Seeing

(not seeing)

That I am the same

as everything else

That my clothes

my face

my eyes

it’s all colorless in the dark

quiet space of my clutter

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



areyoucontagious posted:

Personally I’d junk this one :/

It's ok, you don't need to sugarcoat your feedback. I might try salvaging the idea for this week's rewrite prompt in the learning thread (plug plug).

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Sorry for posting two back to back but I need help with a metaphor and improving some of the lines.

Looming


In my concrete backyard I wait and watch

the moonrise over the fence.

Something rots in the humid air.

This night will be a bad one.



Watching the moonrise, over the fence

I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife.

This night will be a bad one.

The sharp scream makes my jaws clench.



I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife;

his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.

The whiskey shout makes my jaws clench.

I stand on my tiptoes to see



his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.

In my concrete backyard I wait and watch.

I stand on my tiptoes to see

something rot in the humid air.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



areyoucontagious posted:

Sorry for posting two back to back but I need help with a metaphor and improving some of the lines.

Looming


In my concrete backyard I wait and watch

the moonrise over the fence.

Something rots in the humid air.

This night will be a bad one.

I like this, makes me want to know more


Watching the moonrise, over the fence

I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife.

This night will be a bad one.

The sharp scream makes my jaws clench.
Jaws? Also I'm not sold on repetition so soon.



I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife;

his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.
Splat seems too lighthearted for this.

The whiskey shout makes my jaws clench.

I stand on my tiptoes to see



his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.

In my concrete backyard I wait and watch.

I stand on my tiptoes to see

something rot in the humid air.
Love the last line.

It's got good atmosphere, but I think there's too much repetition of lines, it goes past emphasis into annoying. Feels like you've got half a poem and then padded it out. What there is is solid.

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


lofi posted:

It's got good atmosphere, but I think there's too much repetition of lines, it goes past emphasis into annoying. Feels like you've got half a poem and then padded it out. What there is is solid.

It’s actually my attempt at a pantoum!

But yeah, I think the language is too simple for the weaving to be effective. I wrote it because I read this: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/po...halcyon-kitchen

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



Oooh, I came across this last week when I said to my writer friend 'what the gently caress is one of them'. I stand by my view - it might be interesting to write one and stretch yourself, but they're shite to read. They come across like a fever dream to me, and not in a fun way.

#luddite

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


lofi posted:

Oooh, I came across this last week when I said to my writer friend 'what the gently caress is one of them'. I stand by my view - it might be interesting to write one and stretch yourself, but they're shite to read. They come across like a fever dream to me, and not in a fun way.

#luddite

I feel the same way. Villanelles too for the same reason . It was fun to write though.

ibts
Jan 17, 2015

i want to be crushed beneath a pile of 2.5 tons of dogs


ok !

here's something i wrote just a little while ago that i'm pretty proud of

knife-eyed, madeline shivers under a jacket
sleeved in black and purple painted against her back
with the call: "gently caress OFF" oriented along her spine

shimmer off her jacket under thumping scarlets
i want her hair along my tongue / cut the layers till
our skins got no barrier and at night im biting
the ends of her nails

verses dripping down her cheek
unfettered woman
“gently caress you” on the
edge of her lips at all hours
kickin her head back forked tongue
on display
teeth of salt & vampyr
she tries to soothe my shivering
knuckle bones “just fake it till
you make it, gal” she purrs

lashes razor'd mists of musk
haunting the inside of her elbows
outstretched
air thick with pearl
her glittered talons sinking
into boy flesh bent over
railing and railing and railing
till she's slung back cackling about
the "static surging her sensory"

madie evaporates all-lavender scented
into the nearby bathroom stalls entourage
of steamed up boys led passions first

the dj yells like white noise over the crowd...
....she's groaning like she's in a desperate heat.... as the walls her screams
barely overpowered..... vibing a 1986 chicago dance club.....
... they all peak above the crowd's vigor

slithering back
bold seductress she is, her haunts "exorcised," she asserts
those glinting claws slithering up my side
her breaths charring my senses as her hand is
buried past my belt
i feel my irises fracture as she sighs:
"us serpents got poison like lava and got a bloodlust like no other
you're simmering with want"

i slump along the curvature of the sofa spine
throw my gaze against racing neons under pink shadows
her hands pull away and clasp her face hiding beneath
the mess of her black mane
air muddy with vice
glass spilt blood and devil turned devil
sigil of valac burned onto her the coke lines from me
twinned serpents consuming their way out her white-stained nostrils
steeled over pupils as her blood spatters my jaw
and i urge my head up 13 degrees
"i've seen this too many times, now"

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


ibts posted:


knife-eyed, madeline shivers under a jacket
sleeved in black and purple painted against her back
with the call: "gently caress OFF" oriented along her spine

shimmer off her jacket under thumping scarlets
”shimmer off” is a bit nonsensical, pulls me out a bit. “Thumping scarlets” has great musicality but is also a bit vague in what you mean- lights? Speakers? I like the driving beat of the poem so far though

i want her hair along my tongue / cut the layers till
Fuckin weirdo line. Hair along your tongue is really off-putting to me personally, but it’s also missing some oomph. “Hair along my tongue” is what a person says while they’re loving and can’t think of anything better to say. Given the qualities of your poem this might fit, but maybe reconsider.

our skins got no barrier and at night im biting
Again I like the drive but here you’ve cut the apostrophe in “skin’s” but have included punctuation elsewhere. This pulled me out of the poem.
the ends of her nails

verses dripping down her cheek
Nonsensical. Vague to the point where your meaning is lost.

unfettered woman
“gently caress you” on the
edge of her lips at all hours
kickin her head back forked tongue
on display
Why did you line break here? This is a cool gently caress you kind of stanza which I’m on board with but the line break seems up it’s own rear end trying to be poetic.

teeth of salt & vampyr
This line loses me too. “Salt & vampyr” is vague, silly, and the use of the ampersand bugs me.
she tries to soothe my shivering
knuckle bones “just fake it till
you make it, gal” she purrs
Again, jarring line breaks here. “Purrs” seems very counter to the picture you’ve painted of Madeline thus far.

lashes razor'd mists of musk
haunting the inside of her elbows
outstretched
air thick with pearl
These four lines are bad, cut them.

her glittered talons sinking
into boy flesh bent over
railing and railing and railing
Metal as gently caress. “Railing and railing and railing” is great. These three lines are good, keep them.
till she's slung back cackling about
the "static surging her sensory"
Cut everything after “cackling”, up to “sensory”. Her cackles speak loud enough.

madie evaporates all-lavender scented
into the nearby bathroom stalls entourage
of steamed up boys led passions first

the dj yells like white noise over the crowd...
....she's groaning like she's in a desperate heat.... as the walls her screams
barely overpowered..... vibing a 1986 chicago dance club.....
... they all peak above the crowd's vigor
Between “Madie” and “vigor” I think the only salvageable bit is “vibing... dance club”. Everything else is cliche or silly.


slithering back
bold seductress she is, her haunts "exorcised," she asserts
those glinting claws slithering up my side
her breaths charring my senses as her hand is
buried past my belt
i feel my irises fracture as she sighs:
"us serpents got poison like lava and got a bloodlust like no other
you're simmering with want"
Again, too silly. Slithering and claws all work together, but there’s some issues.

“Haunts ... exorcised” is silly and over dramatic.
Glinting claws is great.
“Charring my senses” is nonsensical and pulls me out of the poem. The belt bit is good, though.
Irises fracturing is silly and over dramatic.
Her “us... want” quote is ridiculous. It actually made me laugh, which I’m not sure is what you’re going for.


i slump along the curvature of the sofa spine
throw my gaze against racing neons under pink shadows
her hands pull away and clasp her face hiding beneath
the mess of her black mane
air muddy with vice
glass spilt blood and devil turned devil
sigil of valac burned onto her the coke lines from me
twinned serpents consuming their way out her white-stained nostrils
steeled over pupils as her blood spatters my jaw
and i urge my head up 13 degrees
"i've seen this too many times, now"

This whole stanza falls apart. I get the coke binge feel and you’ve definitely kept it up, but there’s a bunch of stuff here that just loses my interest. 13 degrees was especially silly. I’d cut this stanza or seriously rework it. Capture specific details here and it might be more powerful. Moving from the metaphors is the club to the grim reality of a coke user that the author has witnessed too many times might be a pretty great juxtaposition. Just an idea, though.

Overall I like the drive, the coked up feel, but it could use some work. I liked a lot of it!

ibts
Jan 17, 2015

i want to be crushed beneath a pile of 2.5 tons of dogs

areyoucontagious posted:

Overall I like the drive, the coked up feel, but it could use some work. I liked a lot of it!

this is gnarly critique thank you so much!!!

while i love my circle of friends dearly getting unbiased critique this forward is very difficult and extraordinarily valuable to me

i'll definitely look into taking your critique into account when i edit this eventually!!!

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


ibts posted:

this is gnarly critique thank you so much!!!

while i love my circle of friends dearly getting unbiased critique this forward is very difficult and extraordinarily valuable to me

i'll definitely look into taking your critique into account when i edit this eventually!!!

Happy to do it and I would gladly accept the same! I’m excited to see this thread pump up with some more content.

ibts
Jan 17, 2015

i want to be crushed beneath a pile of 2.5 tons of dogs

areyoucontagious posted:

Happy to do it and I would gladly accept the same! I’m excited to see this thread pump up with some more content.

yeah yeah!! and oh boy i have lots of it. i won't so ridiculous as to post super old stuff i've written but maybe some other recent things?

some of them similarly melodramatic and silly nonsense

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


We Perform For The Gods

My glass bell chimes in time with the dancers -

flowing scarlet, blue, and black -

to better please our audience

of human beings and gods.

The rites have carried down

in proper oral tradition

tattooed in grandmotherly whispers

on our young ear drums.

Our arms are bent in divine angles,

ratios set by wizened men

whose milky eyes can track

the whorl of the heavens.

We perform for the gods.

We perform for the gods,

but enjoy the applause

from the imperfect hands

of our fellow mortals.

ibts
Jan 17, 2015

i want to be crushed beneath a pile of 2.5 tons of dogs

areyoucontagious posted:

We Perform For The Gods

My glass bell chimes in time with the dancers -

flowing scarlet, blue, and black -

to better please our audience

of human beings and gods.

The rites have carried down

in proper oral tradition

tattooed in grandmotherly whispers

on our young ear drums.

Our arms are bent in divine angles,

ratios set by wizened men

whose milky eyes can track

the whorl of the heavens.

We perform for the gods.

We perform for the gods,

but enjoy the applause

from the imperfect hands

of our fellow mortals.

i really love the line "tattooed in grandmotherly whispers" a lot. i don't have much significant to say about specific things in this other than that, this is really succinct and cohesive. reminds me of the type of stuff i used to write about a long time ago, actually, i used to have this obsession for a long time with writing about religion and stuff.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011




green tea lattes get me through the day

nerve drifter
a morning break in agave
powder boys
waking dreams, snow in spring, forest ashes
the wrong talk spit
lull rabid birds with burial tonics
become beautiful trash
stir well

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


spectres of autism posted:

green tea lattes get me through the day

nerve drifter
a morning break in agave
powder boys
waking dreams, snow in spring, forest ashes
the wrong talk spit
lull rabid birds with burial tonics
become beautiful trash
stir well

I really like a few lines of this- morning break in agave is really musical to me.

This whole poem is like a beck song to me. Really musical, but if there was a message I totally missed it. It’s a similar “problem” as some of your past poems but I’m trying to broaden my horizons a bit

So yeah, some evocative lines (except powder boys, that fell flat for me) but lacking a concrete cohesion.

The alliteration of birds with burial is cool too.

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



Redact

PurdWerfect fucked around with this message at May 18, 2018 around 12:02

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



Valley of crystals
50,000 watts
Emanating towers
All these waves
Wash over
And no way to escape
All this noise in
Miles wide empty
At three in the morning
Its heard nine states away
Lone driver, its dark
Where are we going
Listen to the spaces
Between these sounds

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



I spring from violence, but it will not spring from me, at least outward. I will erode myself instead of tearing at another. The anger is so obviously there, and I'm in love with the idea of eating another's sins, and naming my own. I consume and am consumed by my own graceful mouth. I can live with this, loving tragedy so eloquent. The falling lifts me, and I fly in gutters crafted by the history I see, open eyed at late hours. And I am lost. And I am saved. We burn on our own, not knowing the ways we light for others. If not where, I know why I shine. Read by me. Light my way too.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011




PurdWerfect posted:

Valley of crystals
50,000 watts
Emanating towers
All these waves
Wash over
And no way to escape
All this noise in
Miles wide empty
At three in the morning
Its heard nine states away
Lone driver, its dark
Where are we going
Listen to the spaces
Between these sounds

so this is about white noise? i like it, i can kind of relate to it right now. it kind of shift gears towards solitude which i find jarring? the last two lines are really good.

PurdWerfect posted:

I spring from violence, but it will not spring from me, at least outward. I will erode myself instead of tearing at another. The anger is so obviously there, and I'm in love with the idea of eating another's sins, and naming my own. I consume and am consumed by my own graceful mouth. I can live with this, loving tragedy so eloquent. The falling lifts me, and I fly in gutters crafted by the history I see, open eyed at late hours. And I am lost. And I am saved. We burn on our own, not knowing the ways we light for others. If not where, I know why I shine. Read by me. Light my way too.

i don't like this one. it's too "i contain multitudes." you try to save it at the end with the "we," including human nature in your complexity, but im not sure that works. maybe you wrote it just to vent some stuff which i fully approve of.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011




double post but i wrote this based on a book i read

y o i c k

i remember manic walking
tempered now
white delirium

he was chaining darts until he smelled like smoke
snacks they dream about

ice and lace up your blisters
maybe i liked it better when he was in love

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



PurdWerfect posted:

Valley of crystals
50,000 watts
Emanating towers
All these waves
Wash over
And no way to escape
All this noise in
Miles wide empty
At three in the morning
Its heard nine states away
Lone driver, its dark
Where are we going
Listen to the spaces
Between these sounds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBwK2s734DQ I like it, super-atmospheric!

SoA, yours feels like a good idea, but it needs more context to mean much to me - I'm a huge fan of being concise, but I think this one's too pared down.

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



Fare thee well, pilgrim
Sing out with me
Fare thee well, traveler
Ride out with me

Light tendrils stretch out
Looking for the sun
The sun, its long set
So they'll light our way

A horse in a meadow
Has pricking-up ears
That sound is the morning
Returning for us

The sky is the landmark
Rubbing up against all
You can never be lost
In riding for dawn

Fare thee well, pilgrim
Ride out with me
Fare thee well, traveler
Won't you sing out with me

Gatekeeper
Aug 3, 2003

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.


crossposting from the pyf forums quotes thread because these were posted as part of an off topic tangent about slam poetry. i hadn't ever really written poetry before, but whilst pretty inebriated I decided to try out slam poetry at open mic night at my local bar. this was the result:

quote:

my dog was in the yard
DOG
man's best friend
FRIENDS FOREVER
in the yard
eating cat food out of an old can under the deck
old cans, new cans,
CATS
opposite of dogs
OLD
opposite of new
took the can away from my dog
my dog
my friend
best friend
and he BIT me
...the opposite of a friend

it was extremely well received (or so i was told as i barely remember getting onstage and performing it) so a week or two later I tried out another:


quote:

summertime 
and staten island is fuckin' SLEAZY 
clove lakes park is gross 
but when i'm stoned 
it's NICE 
and kinda BREEZY 
a good place... for my dog 
good places 
wide open spaces 
spaces... for my dog 
spaces where he is FREE 
to STOP and DROP his PEE 
right next to a duck 
he steps in mud 
he eats a bug 
he swats a turtle 
he is a pug 
a pug in wide open spaces 
in skeevy staten island places 
places where my pug can pee 
he drinks from the stream 
he pukes in the stream 
frogs gently caress in that stream 
man, gently caress that stream 
gently caress that stream where my pug pukes and pees 
sometimes in the park 
i have to pee 
but i can't 
because some little kid might see 
but kids don't care when pugs pee 
pugs are free 
free to pee 
in all those 
cool and nasty places 

i didn't remember performing this one either, a friend just found the napkin i wrote it down on and sent it to me, she said this one was just as well received by the audience. i wish i remembered

i like them, and the folks in the forum quotes thread seem to like them too. i think i'm gonna try writing more poetry

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Snowglobe of Doom
Mar 30, 2012

Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.


Fan of Britches

Gatekeeper posted:

i hadn't ever really written poetry before, but whilst pretty inebriated I decided to try out slam poetry at open mic night at my local bar. this was the result:

Requesting some goon do a dramatic reading of these TYIA

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