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PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



A knowing of showered damp hair
Fingers for fading moist
Water happy on hands
A sweet and clean smell
But who cares
Those fingers would be as happy
In a week of hot weather past
A strong and lived smell
And it's your hair
And the only reason
For the fingers
Is the head where it grows
And the head it falls from

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PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



Words dulcet or spit.
I find something in them that somehow doesn't seem to exist elsewise.

Is that what love is? I don't know.

I know there is drive though, inexorable propulsion.
Never driven, never like this.
This loving impossible journey.

This dream that muddies my sleep, and is my first concern on waking.

Something part epitaph.
Something living more than ever.
Sides of a coin
And theater masks
Allied

There is no side without the other.
Which is which is my eyes on a given day.
Give me another day.
And the one after.

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



will try to crit those if you want

how can stories be beautiful if someone doesn't fall down stairs

ashes are falling windswept
to find steady blades
to cut and reveal them

and they are chrome
repeating satori
girls in lotus; vampire heartbeats
caffeine fusing to my spine

pale stars
seek lonesome worlds
Callista took my wolf hands
shaped to stone
cast to water

heavy steel spreading your seed
touched and braced
your garden veins curve lorn
i am drowned enough

take the moon fucked around with this message at Jul 14, 2018 around 17:07

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

suggestions in bold, comments in italic

generally I suck at critiquing so please don't take this harshly - I'm trying to flag the bits that were jarring for me and tighten it up without rewriting it. the bits i didnt understand i left, provided they scanned well enough

PurdWerfect posted:

Words dulcet or spit. spat.
I find something in them that somehow doesn't seem to exist elsewise. i'd avoid elsewise. this is also a weak sentence, i try to avoid things like "i think", "it seems", "somehow" and so on
Is that what love is? I don't know.

I know there is drive though, inexorable propulsion. Trailing adverbs weaken the sentiment
Never driven, never like this.
This loving impossible journey. If you want to keep 'loving', I think there's better rhythm: this impossible loving journey. Having it where it is now renders the sentiment a bit less sincere

This dream that muddies my sleep, and is my first concern on waking. "is my first concern" lacks passion

Something part epitaph.
Something living more than ever.
Sides of a coin
And theater masks
Allied

There is no side without the other.
Which is which is my eyes on a given day. these last 2 stanzas I didn't really understand but this line is particularly confusing and I'd start with tidying this up
Give me another day.
And the one after.

I guess that probably wasn't so helpful but maybe there's something in there you can take away

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

here's one i wrote to test a meter and I don't know what to do with. to my mind the second stanza is the weakest but, as usual, im more frustrated by the lovely flow between stanzas

I Chase The Dream

To smoke, to drink
To screw, to take
The chemicals that
Let us down
And drown the brain that never leaves us.

The days escape
In countless sum
Through wretched haze
Fantasies
Decree an end to fearful phantoms.

Oh, what an un-
derhanded gift
This Midas touch, this
Pitiless
Un-sight which rusts the bones within us.

I chase the dream:
To maim, to kill
This cursed thing that
Knows so much
Yet understands so very little.

Sulla-Marius 88 fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2018 around 16:03

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

Gatekeeper posted:

crossposting from the pyf forums quotes thread because these were posted as part of an off topic tangent about slam poetry. i hadn't ever really written poetry before, but whilst pretty inebriated I decided to try out slam poetry at open mic night at my local bar. this was the result:


it was extremely well received (or so i was told as i barely remember getting onstage and performing it) so a week or two later I tried out another:


i didn't remember performing this one either, a friend just found the napkin i wrote it down on and sent it to me, she said this one was just as well received by the audience. i wish i remembered

i like them, and the folks in the forum quotes thread seem to like them too. i think i'm gonna try writing more poetry

the second one is sincerely good, it's punchy and you have nice flow. if you wanted to, you could work on it a bit and whip it out as your go to spoken word, if any of that sounds like your jam

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



I haven't been doing much poetry lately I did this, though, and I don't know if it's a poem or what. 3am-heat-inspired:

Friend mosquito,
you needn't wei past my ear.
I am sanguine,
and more than happy to share.

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

I like it. What does wei mean, though? Is it a typo?

With something that small you could increase the lyricism a bit, if you wanted. Play with the words to create more rhythm and imagery without muddying the sentiment or blowing out the frame -- I'm looking at "friend" and "more than happy". Sanguine is solid

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



Apparently it's a typo, I meant 'wai', a greeting that's also onamatopia.

"Friend mosquito" I'd want to keep in place for sentimental reason, but I totally agree on 'more than happy'. Do you have any advice on hearing tone & rhythm, it's something I see a lot, and have no idea how to approach. I keep reading stuff about stressed syllables and I'm just like 'wtf, surely that varies by person?'

lofi fucked around with this message at Jul 19, 2018 around 13:48

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



ive never gotten iambic pentameter either

i feel blank when you blank because i need blank

rivers above me
feel my heart through the ripples
neon summers

i chase the breath i never keep

too late to dream myths
miss my first sugar rush

and i don't think i've gone between
the spaces outside you
she never held me like they used to
but they beat my contours into place

grow old without ageing
fractured sleep
time without you is like eating smoke

Sulla-Marius 88
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING


Plaster Town Cop

lofi posted:

Apparently it's a typo, I meant 'wai', a greeting that's also onamatopia.

"Friend mosquito" I'd want to keep in place for sentimental reason, but I totally agree on 'more than happy'. Do you have any advice on hearing tone & rhythm, it's something I see a lot, and have no idea how to approach. I keep reading stuff about stressed syllables and I'm just like 'wtf, surely that varies by person?'

In that case I'd look into modifying the last line to have two points of rhyme with the 2nd line - 'wai' and 'ear', in the same position

I won't make suggestions because I don't have any right now and also it'd just be me trying to apply my voice to your writing. But if you come up with some I could critique

I've still got a lot of study to do myself but do some reading into scansion. There are a bunch of resources out there that will help you get better at it

Although stressed syllables shouldn't really vary by person such that meter becomes unintelligible.. for e.g. REcord and reCORD will always denote the noun and verb respectively, because that's a marker inherent to english to avoid ambiguity. RElease reLEASE and so on. more here: https://www.english-at-home.com/pro...syllable-stress

Sulla-Marius 88 fucked around with this message at Jul 20, 2018 around 10:26

PurdWerfect
Aug 29, 2000



Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

suggestions in bold, comments in italic

generally I suck at critiquing so please don't take this harshly - I'm trying to flag the bits that were jarring for me and tighten it up without rewriting it. the bits i didnt understand i left, provided they scanned well enough


I guess that probably wasn't so helpful but maybe there's something in there you can take away

Not at all, I found it very helpful! Thank you!

Measly Twerp
Nov 5, 2009



This doesn't have a name:

longer than a hamster
by more than you would expect
what manner of beast

faster than a mouse
by more than you would anticipate
what a skitter of feet

slyer than a fox
by more than you would have guessed
it must be a weasel


Am I do haiku right?

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



So mathmatical
A mustelid that can count
Well, at least kind of.


I've been working on a poemthing to be illustrated/turned into a comic:

Oppressive August evening heat
My window gasps for air
And soon enough, my sustenance,
My neighbours' spitting fights.

He can't be arsed to sort his life
And she's a drama queen
A blazing pyre banked with spite
And things they can't unsay.

Delicious fire that feeds itself
And sees me through the night
A schadenfreude ménage à trois
They burn themselves for me.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018



Kevin is a potato
He sits opposite me in group
Sprawls, pinned under the globe of his abdomen
Swollen to bursting with drink
Straining to escape his red checked shirt

He leans to lift his mug of tea
Shifts glacially, inflexibly
Seconds pass as he lists, reaches, lifts
A herculean task

Kevin is a potato
Vacant oilslick blue eyes
Pinprick pupils and a labyrinth of crow's feet.
Hair removed rather than styled
Slack mouth slumping into his neck

His voice without inflection
Monosyllabic answers that tell you nothing
Always a million miles away
Trapped in a slower place

Kevin is a potato
Man become tuber via the bottle
And I write not from malice or mockery
But to pin him in my memory
Because I was sat opposite Kevin in group.

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



e: that sucked lol

take the moon fucked around with this message at Sep 3, 2018 around 19:10

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

magic girl cut up
sore throats small coughs chased fingers
after a while she peered down
lapis lazuli flowers
down where I shaped briefly in my heels a face nearly nuclear in all the ways she afforded wrong
a Hero's Journey
nothing
plasma earth Aeternum
nothing
love was a good word
we should break up are four better
for her

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take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



^sg

for a second i got so loving thirsty

claimed, a raiment of moonkissed grass, stars
stares are what i got when i explained how meditating works
smiles
yeah, broke a promise to myself
tried to see it again
its a shimmering cloth, rippling salt, ash
they consecrate flowers with ribbons now

so i restored
so what
resetting is transmuting
blood into gold, hopefully
if not silk i wore out

somewhere between apathy and dislike
are eyes of some colour
and a word i forgot

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