Poetry Thread 2K18: Stay Robert Frosty

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sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

spectres of autism posted:

thanks for the crits. i always feel embarassed about this stuff 0.5 seconds after posting But that's probably the only way to get better.

i attempted a villanelle today

Metro

Rising spires hid by smog
Tbe cityscape over the ocean
The concave fires the bright ruin
this last line I am having trouble parsing, and it�s making me feel dumb. What do you mean by the word �concave� here? I think I understand you�re implying stuff is on fire, but it�s not entirely clear.

You are also missing a rhyme here.

These black rivers of curling smoke
You need a rhyme for smog here.
Break out, twisting around
Rising spires hid by smog

Synthetic shadows dance under yoke
Anonymous lifetimes are not permitted in struct declarations
The concave fires the bright ruin

They fill the streets with the rotting to choke
These are brave leaves swimming in fission
Evocative but I�m missing your meaning. I�m also a little distracted by the lack of connection between these lines. �The rotting to choke� what? The leaves? I think we�re missing a thought.
Rising spires hid by smog

Our subconscious faded into ashes, broke
Into fragments. Hush and listen!
The concave fires the bright ruin

We stayed dreaming even when we woke.
The coils vanishing is our mission
Rising spires hid by smog
The concave fires the bright ruin

Structurally it�s not really a villanelle (though by no means am I an expert) but there�s some interesting language here. I don�t know if you�ve got enough concrete ideas to get your message across, as I don�t quite know what you meant to say.

Here�s one of mine for you to shred
.

sephiRoth IRA fucked around with this message at 02:41 on Apr 5, 2018

# ¿ Mar 27, 2018 21:04

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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 23:25

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Thank you for the crit! I had toyed with cutting the third stanza completely as it was the weakest. Your comment solidified that. For the record Persephones mother was really bummed out, which is why we have months of winter -> http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Persephone.html :eng101:

spectres of autism posted:

reworked "Frost" based on criticism from this thread

Ain't your veins hot, lovely
I�m yours, carved into ice

The sick honey of rust and decay
I have no idea what this line means

I�m over it, kino what does kino mean in this context?
Now just buzz mine, i'm okay

I dove into static
Drowned in noise
Held in the haze
Drifted between cold planets
The starry nights and blazing days this stanza is cliche, and at this point I don�t think the rhymes are adding much to your poem

Just pick me up onscreen
Back where we taped it
A midnight raven screams fright
Flies against white atoms
Past each shadow and into the light
no idea what any of this means

I think you�ve gone into using too much exotic, �evocative� language. Both of your poems suffer from a lack of concrete meaning. Try writing a poem where there�s no elaborate metaphor or language- go read a bunch of some of the more �traditional� poets like Whitman. Get a sense for writing what you want to say meaning-wise, and then you can go through and replace the plain language with more verisimilitude.

Here is another of mine. I�m not happy with the end, as it feels a bit cliche :/ but that�s what came out, so there it is

Burial

My mother died in the spring,

but father and I didn�t talk about it.

I buried him today,

not in the ground, like my mother,

or in my heart, like my mother,

but in the past,

where no candles will be lit in remembrance.

# ¿ Mar 29, 2018 19:46

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

spectres of autism posted:

that's fair, and good advice. i'll try it

your poem was nice also

edit: feel ive been oversharing lately so ill try to apply all the criticism and post up when i fel i have something

Eh gently caress that :justpost:

The threads mostly dead anyway- keep on rolling and I�ll post right back

# ¿ Mar 30, 2018 02:27

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

spectres of autism posted:

alright. i had a depressive attack and wrote this in response to your crit

Taking L-Theanine to Marathon Anime

I want to throw myself off floating things
What do you mean by �floating things�? This is a great chance to use really descriptive, concrete language. E.g �I want to throw myself from a high rise roof�

I want to cry again
I�d rather shards of glass scrape the roof of my mouth
Than watch this
Concrete and vivid, good

I�d coax out the best in me
Use it for the worst
Cliche

Keep my eyes laced shut
Rip my teeth out and throw them at birds
weird and concrete, again I dig it
I want to eat fish and choke on the bones

An article about a happy schizo
Crumpled and torn in my blue bin
too vague in meaning- you�ve painted a real picture but what�s the point?

When my head is a mattress
And my eyes are blinking slow
weird but I think I like it

I don�t know who I am anymore
But I know I can sleep
boring

Why does everything have to be perfect
For me to care
whiny, doesn�t add much

Much more concrete language, which I liked. I can get meaning from this poem (you hate anime?) but there�s still too much vagueness. I�ve thinking about posting a thread about a poetry writing guide I�ve been working through that has some good tips. Maybe you can participate if I get off my rear end?

# ¿ Mar 30, 2018 20:21

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

PurdWerfect posted:

Well, that was received well, so let's do it again.

It doesn't matter what clothes I might wear
We only see the dress we've made

Apple-knowledged hogs in sorry repair,
Faces float by in foggy parade

I remember that table, that we set before
And ate simple and lovely food

I'll leave out the sweet, and tell tales of war
What now rolls over me is where we once stood

My darling, my darling, a softly held hand.
I'll wear down your mountain and die on this land

You meant it, I mean it, my voice now too rough
Let's melt in the shade, honey, sing in the sun

I'll drive though this desert, beyond far enough
With broken leg stories that tell us to run

Your forced rhyme is awkward and your poem doesn�t make a lot of sense because of it.

�Food� and �Stood� aren�t proper rhymes.

Your rhyme scheme even breaks down in your �My darling... land� couplet- you have not rhymed like that in the rest of your poem so why do it here?

Your imagery is all over the place and none of it is internally consistent.

# ¿ Apr 13, 2018 18:50

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

PurdWerfect posted:

Thanks for this. It is a clumsy scheme and needs rewriting. As far as the imagery goes, there's two people who would consistently connect but to a larger audience, you're right. I'll work on it.

Come to the poetry workshop thread! :buddy:

# ¿ Apr 13, 2018 23:47

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

PurdWerfect posted:

I do better not rhyming.

"The desert is for me"
Every single star is naked, and cold, and free of self or other

And then she grew sparse. Dried out harsh, wood and bones, the colors they were

Creatures go dormant, after short gaudy moments of reckless beauty

Forsake this thirst drawn on me by not slaking my own

Lips cracked, dried salt cheeks, and rain once, some time ago, remembered

Walk in together and fall out alone, cold beautiful stars

Sorry man but this is gibberish to me. Just read your second line out loud- the hanging �the colors they were� is infuriating. The lack of description of �she� is equally so. My biggest comment with this is that your attempts to be �poetic� - complex structure, overly flowery language - it all gets in the way. Your message is lost and I can�t get any meaning out of any of this. You�ve got some interesting phrases - �dried salt cheeks� stands out - but it needs a lot of work.

# ¿ Apr 15, 2018 06:51

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

PurdWerfect posted:

Good lord, don't be infuriated.

Hyperbole

but for real, your imagery is fine if it�s abstract or fanciful, tons of poets do it, and as long as your abstractions are written with distinct language it can ok. Your issue is that your abstractions detract from the poem. Try attempting something a little less metaphorical, a little more specific, and work your way back to the more �poetic� stuff.

# ¿ Apr 15, 2018 16:38

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

lofi posted:

I've been trying an experiment: use a random word generator to give me a prompt, 1h, write a poem. So I came up with something silly and dumb that makes me smile:

Hover

My cat has begun to hover.
This raises certain questions:
Should I adjust the catflap?
If she stays in, will I have to put stilts on her tray?

She hovers in front of my face.
The vet suggested iron supplements
or rewriting fundamental physics.
I think I'll just feed her instead.

I also dig it. The �stilts� line drags it down a bit, misty due to its length. Otherwise light and funny. Good work

# ¿ Apr 18, 2018 02:04

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

lofi posted:

Thanks! I think you're right about the stilts line, it is a bit clunky.

Otherwise I think it�s very clever. Cat flaps made me laugh.

# ¿ Apr 18, 2018 08:07

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

The second (bolded) use of 'hovers' here bugs me - I was expecting something subtler or something new, as the repetition of "hover" in a new construct that doesn't add much to the scene feels neutered to me.

Is this thread also for longer works? I have a comedy/joke poem I wrote recently but it's ~120 lines which is a bit of a difference from what's here so far, so I don't want to presume. It's about dumb aussie men

# ¿ Apr 18, 2018 14:08

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Agreed, very funny! Good rhymes and assonance which made it very musical. I definitely liked it. Some suggestions:

1. Definitely cut the first stanza, I agree with Lofi. It doesn�t add anything and cheapens the humor with cheese.

2. Pay close attention to your meter. One of the biggest strengths of the first half of the poem is that your meter and rhymes are close to spot on. It breaks down a bit in the second half and you lose some musicality because of it.

3. Your weakest stanza is �Glazing...� but really the last three are very weak compared to the rest. I suggest starting there for edits.

Overall a very lyrical attempt that I really dig. Fix some of the meter and the close of the poemand you�ve got a good ballad

# ¿ Apr 18, 2018 16:47

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Also here is a blatant plug for my poetry workshop thread... https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3853119

Come write poems with us! Once we�re done with the book I was thinking we could maybe do a Thunderdome style poetry thread (�Thunderpoem�?)

# ¿ Apr 18, 2018 19:22

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Here�s something dumb:

Cereal

Did you hear about the maniac?

The one who�s evading the copse?

I�ve heard the police captain has all the troupes out looking for him.

They say he�s a killer, evil down to his very sole.

He�s sleighed five already.

I wouldn�t want to him to meat me in a dark alley, let me tell you.

I don�t go out at night anymore, even with the extra police presents.

You red about that girl? The last one to dye?

She was chaste all the way from 7th to 10th street, but no one did anything about it.

It�s a shame the rain washed away all the clues, a real dam shame.

# ¿ Apr 20, 2018 20:16

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

ibts posted:

I didn't realize there was a proper poetry thread on SA! I'll look back at some stuff posted semi-recently and give my thoughts, but I wanted to ask if it's alright I post a thing or two even if I'm not exactly a "newbie" (I've been writing poetry for like 7 years now or so) but I haven't been published by a big magazine or publishing house or anything so whether I'm good is just subjective I guess.

# ¿ Apr 23, 2018 06:13

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

lofi posted:

I've done more of the 'random generated word, 1h to make a poem' thing, and I swear the generator is taking the piss:

Yawn

An orbit is just a fall without an impact.

Earth falls towards Sun, you fall towards Earth.
This is is one of the only lines that I thought was meaningful. It�s a fragment though, which was a bit distracting.

When you fall at the same speed, in the same direction,
you stay together.
A careless change in velocity, and you drift apart.
Chasm yawns between ship and pilot, glacial, unstoppable.
No friendly ground here, no equal and opposite, no way
to exert strength

To change your fall, all you can do is cast mass away.
Another okay line, because of the sentiment, but �to change your fall� is super clunky.

Exhale. Breath held in vacuum detonates lungs.
Close eyes, lest the moisture boil off as they freeze.
Alarms fade without air to transmit them.
Throw it all behind you and fly.

I�m underwhelmed. This isn�t nearly as strong as some of your other stuff. I think a large part of the problem is A) title, which makes me think I�m bored already, B) the vagueness of the language- this feels like a technical document where every other line is skipped in an effort to be poetic, and C) structure, which is needlessly complicated.

Personally I�d junk this one :/

# ¿ Apr 23, 2018 23:01

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Here�s some twee garbage I wrote after reading one of the recently published poems on the American poetry review. Sometimes things are pretty self indulgent so I tried to replicate the effort.

Mirrors in the night time

I keep a mirror

in my closet

Back with my shirts and boxed-up winter clothes

it hangs

reflecting the darkness of and around my face

Just me

Looking into a well

Seeing

(not seeing)

That I am the same

as everything else

That my clothes

my face

my eyes

it�s all colorless in the dark

quiet space of my clutter

# ¿ Apr 23, 2018 23:08

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Sorry for posting two back to back but I need help with a metaphor and improving some of the lines.

Looming

In my concrete backyard I wait and watch

the moonrise over the fence.

Something rots in the humid air.

This night will be a bad one.

Watching the moonrise, over the fence

I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife.

This night will be a bad one.

The sharp scream makes my jaws clench.

I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife;

his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.

The whiskey shout makes my jaws clench.

I stand on my tiptoes to see

his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat.

In my concrete backyard I wait and watch.

I stand on my tiptoes to see

something rot in the humid air.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2018 18:10

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

lofi posted:

It's got good atmosphere, but I think there's too much repetition of lines, it goes past emphasis into annoying. Feels like you've got half a poem and then padded it out. What there is is solid.

It�s actually my attempt at a pantoum! :eng101:

But yeah, I think the language is too simple for the weaving to be effective. I wrote it because I read this: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/146237/halcyon-kitchen

# ¿ Apr 24, 2018 19:56

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

lofi posted:

Oooh, I came across this last week when I said to my writer friend 'what the gently caress is one of them'. I stand by my view - it might be interesting to write one and stretch yourself, but they're shite to read. They come across like a fever dream to me, and not in a fun way.

#luddite

I feel the same way. Villanelles too for the same reason . It was fun to write though.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2018 04:15

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

ibts posted:

knife-eyed, madeline shivers under a jacket
sleeved in black and purple painted against her back
with the call: "gently caress OFF" oriented along her spine

shimmer off her jacket under thumping scarlets
�shimmer off� is a bit nonsensical, pulls me out a bit. �Thumping scarlets� has great musicality but is also a bit vague in what you mean- lights? Speakers? I like the driving beat of the poem so far though

i want her hair along my tongue / cut the layers till
Fuckin weirdo line. Hair along your tongue is really off-putting to me personally, but it�s also missing some oomph. �Hair along my tongue� is what a person says while they�re loving and can�t think of anything better to say. Given the qualities of your poem this might fit, but maybe reconsider.

our skins got no barrier and at night im biting
Again I like the drive but here you�ve cut the apostrophe in �skin�s� but have included punctuation elsewhere. This pulled me out of the poem.
the ends of her nails

verses dripping down her cheek
Nonsensical. Vague to the point where your meaning is lost.

unfettered woman
�gently caress you� on the
edge of her lips at all hours
kickin her head back forked tongue
on display
Why did you line break here? This is a cool gently caress you kind of stanza which I�m on board with but the line break seems up it�s own rear end trying to be poetic.

teeth of salt & vampyr
This line loses me too. �Salt & vampyr� is vague, silly, and the use of the ampersand bugs me.
she tries to soothe my shivering
knuckle bones �just fake it till
you make it, gal� she purrs
Again, jarring line breaks here. �Purrs� seems very counter to the picture you�ve painted of Madeline thus far.

lashes razor'd mists of musk
haunting the inside of her elbows
outstretched
air thick with pearl
These four lines are bad, cut them.

her glittered talons sinking
into boy flesh bent over
railing and railing and railing
Metal as gently caress. �Railing and railing and railing� is great. These three lines are good, keep them.
till she's slung back cackling about
the "static surging her sensory"
Cut everything after �cackling�, up to �sensory�. Her cackles speak loud enough.

madie evaporates all-lavender scented
into the nearby bathroom stalls entourage
of steamed up boys led passions first

the dj yells like white noise over the crowd...
....she's groaning like she's in a desperate heat.... as the walls her screams
barely overpowered..... vibing a 1986 chicago dance club.....
... they all peak above the crowd's vigor
Between �Madie� and �vigor� I think the only salvageable bit is �vibing... dance club�. Everything else is cliche or silly.

slithering back
bold seductress she is, her haunts "exorcised," she asserts
those glinting claws slithering up my side
her breaths charring my senses as her hand is
buried past my belt
i feel my irises fracture as she sighs:
"us serpents got poison like lava and got a bloodlust like no other
you're simmering with want"
Again, too silly. Slithering and claws all work together, but there�s some issues.

�Haunts ... exorcised� is silly and over dramatic.
Glinting claws is great.
�Charring my senses� is nonsensical and pulls me out of the poem. The belt bit is good, though.
Irises fracturing is silly and over dramatic.
Her �us... want� quote is ridiculous. It actually made me laugh, which I�m not sure is what you�re going for.

i slump along the curvature of the sofa spine
throw my gaze against racing neons under pink shadows
her hands pull away and clasp her face hiding beneath
the mess of her black mane
air muddy with vice
glass spilt blood and devil turned devil
sigil of valac burned onto her the coke lines from me
twinned serpents consuming their way out her white-stained nostrils
steeled over pupils as her blood spatters my jaw
and i urge my head up 13 degrees
"i've seen this too many times, now"
This whole stanza falls apart. I get the coke binge feel and you�ve definitely kept it up, but there�s a bunch of stuff here that just loses my interest. 13 degrees was especially silly. I�d cut this stanza or seriously rework it. Capture specific details here and it might be more powerful. Moving from the metaphors is the club to the grim reality of a coke user that the author has witnessed too many times might be a pretty great juxtaposition. Just an idea, though.

Overall I like the drive, the coked up feel, but it could use some work. I liked a lot of it!

# ¿ Apr 26, 2018 05:33

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

ibts posted:

this is gnarly critique thank you so much!!!

while i love my circle of friends dearly getting unbiased critique this forward is very difficult and extraordinarily valuable to me

i'll definitely look into taking your critique into account when i edit this eventually!!!

Happy to do it and I would gladly accept the same! I�m excited to see this thread pump up with some more content.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2018 08:10

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

We Perform For The Gods

My glass bell chimes in time with the dancers -

flowing scarlet, blue, and black -

to better please our audience

of human beings and gods.

The rites have carried down

in proper oral tradition

tattooed in grandmotherly whispers

on our young ear drums.

Our arms are bent in divine angles,

ratios set by wizened men

whose milky eyes can track

the whorl of the heavens.

We perform for the gods.

We perform for the gods,

but enjoy the applause

from the imperfect hands

of our fellow mortals.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2018 00:54

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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 23:25

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

spectres of autism posted:

green tea lattes get me through the day

nerve drifter
a morning break in agave
powder boys
waking dreams, snow in spring, forest ashes
the wrong talk spit
lull rabid birds with burial tonics
become beautiful trash
stir well

I really like a few lines of this- morning break in agave is really musical to me.

This whole poem is like a beck song to me. Really musical, but if there was a message I totally missed it. It�s a similar �problem� as some of your past poems but I�m trying to broaden my horizons a bit

So yeah, some evocative lines (except powder boys, that fell flat for me) but lacking a concrete cohesion.

The alliteration of birds with burial is cool too.

# ¿ May 11, 2018 06:53

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > Poetry Thread 2K18: Stay Robert Frosty