|
 Hey everyone, de-facto majority UFC owner Ari Emanuel here. You might know me from a hyperlink on a wikipedia article of your least favorite character in your least favorite HBO show that you were only reading because you were brushing up on Sasha Grey’s career. Welcome to the GDT for UFC 219: Cyborg vs Holm, 9 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 30 only on PPV. If you pirate this poo poo I will personally come and kick your rear end and then sell my own movie rights to myself for $6 trillion and make sure I’m played by Ryan Reynolds and you’re played by Clint Howard. So when my company WME took over the UFC, we focus grouped the poo poo out of that bitch. We already legally owned Ronda Rousey so I knew it couldn’t be that hard to run the company if she could be champion for like 400 fights despite spending fifteen loving minutes pushing on the pull door to get in our office every goddamn time she comes to visit and having a boyfriend who needs help wiping his rear end and has no qualms about asking for that out loud in the middle of a meeting when we’re trying to get a Patrick Swayze movie remade with a female lead, but we didn’t get where we are today — America’s third largest collective of made-up showbiz careers — without being extremely well prepared with a small number of other people’s opinions. Anyway, if there’s one thing you slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging troglodytes like more than anything, it’s title fights. But turns out those Fertitta assholes only had like ten of the drat things and three or four of them were tied up with injuries or contract negotiations at any given time, and let me tell you that’s some horseshit that isn’t gonna fly in our house. Not in the new WME UFC. We’ve got profits to turn and stakeholders to impress. So gently caress that. Every division? It’s got 17 titles now. Also by the end of fiscal year 2018 we will have invented 300 new UFC divisions. That’s not a promise. That’s an Ari Gold Guarantee or whatever the gently caress my name is. I never loving remember anymore, I sold my naming rights to Pepsi five years ago. Anyway here’s some loving title fights, buy it you dipshits.  For the women’s featherweight title Cyborg, “Justice League” Justino Vs  Holly Holm A casual glance at the bloodyelbow comments section shows that Cyborg is the most popular and dominant champion of all time, with tens of posters talking about her occasionally and offering upwards of $200 for her to squeeze their heads between her powerful thighs. That’s why we invented an entire division for her to prove she is the best in the world at fighting women 15 pounds smaller than her. A little behind the scenes trivia for you here, fresh from the Ari’s Mouth, we’re actually working on a time trial system where Cyborg and Gabi Garcia see who is the best in the world by timing who can kick the poo poo out of some old lady we checked out of a nursing home the fastest, but contract negotiations are snagging because evidently Invicta Fighting Championships doesn’t want to give up its matchmaker and color commentator for a few weeks. Plus, that netflix movie Bright came out and they are paying the beaucoup bucks to cross-promote the hell out of it with an Orc in the octagon. But Holly Holm is a champion’s champion. To keep up with our aggressive promises of more championships and more belts, we need someone who can deliver, and Holly Holm has fought in more title fights than any other woman in the UFC not named Ronda or Joanna, and more total divisions than either of them. Hell, Holly’s she’s even won one. That’s what I want to see, someone who will just fight for whatever belt we make up, whenever we need it, and then never defend it. That’s the face of the UFC: Amy Schumer but a little skinnier and with somehow even deader eyes. For the Lightweight Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl  Kharma Nermeleon vs  Edson Barbarolla This is the first time we’re ever doing something like this. This is a record-setting event. For the first time ever, a fictional character will be fighting for a UFC title. I know what you’re thinking, how the gently caress is something that doesn’t exist going to win a belt that barely exists? Well listen bucko, you can walk on out of here in your lovely-rear end Payless tennis shoes if you’re gonna come into my house and tell me that we live in a world where some horny middle-aged shut-in can make half a billion dollars and got Don Johnson’s hot daughter to show beaver in theaters by writing a horny fanfiction of somebody else’s horny Dracula fanfiction, but an internet meme who suplexes bears can’t win a UFC title. Get the gently caress out of my face with that. But can you kick the poo poo out of a meme? Can a fanfiction get its head kicked clean off its shoulders? Will ESPN name your cartwheel kick KO of a tulpa as one of its sports moments of the year? Can the abstract concept of the Trump Administration’s ideal Muslim become so brain damaged that it attempts to kill itself by leaping into traffic? Edwin Van Bosa is here to find out, with it all on the line: $50,000 in reebok merchandise and chicken wings. For the feathwerweight funny name title  Dan “the Hangman” Hooker Vs  Marc “Bonecrusher” Diakiese Lmao look at this motherfucker’s last name. And his dipshit nickname. I don’t know what the trade laws are like in New Zealand because absolutely no one who isn’t in technology pilot runs considers it a real market but if at all possible this dude absolutely needs to sell his naming rights immediately, I hear Disney is pretty interested in owning a fighter so they can plug the Incredibles 2, and since he has spent the last three years alternating exceptional performances with losing decisions his career mimics the Pixar Cars Cycle well enough to be appealing. Marc Diakiese is a pretty hot prospect with a history of fairly exciting performances. The kid has championship written all over him. He’s of central African descent, which is a virtually untapped market that’s really looking promising now that Francis Ngannou is taking off, but he’s also actually English, where people actually have money and televisions. Plus he’s a marketer’s dream for appealing to the tumblr millennial demo: he’s 24, dresses sharp and is willing to take his dick out for gay magazines without even being gay, AND he’s not white, so by our formulaic calculations he should outsell Macklemore on iTunes three downloads to one if we can get him to cut an EP. I know Sean Shelby keeps sending me emails saying the key to Zuffa’s historical success was that it handled matchmaking so the promotion was in good shape whoever won, but I am not gonna lie, we absolutely need this guy to win. Seriously, have you ever heard of New Zealand purchasing power? Do you know a kiwi personally? Do you even know what their money looks like? Didn’t think so. For the strawweight lmao who gives a poo poo title  Cynthia Calvillo Vs.  Carla “Cookie Monster” Esparza The eggheads down in marketing don’t know what to do with Cynthia Calvillo. She’s undefeated, but green. She’s got great jiu jitsu, but hasn’t finished anyone ranked. She’s trendy, but 30. She’s Mexican, but American so the Mexicans won’t support her. She’s cute, but beat the girl with bigger and more famous titties. It’s gonna be hard to put the ol’ spin on her than usual, but trust me. We’re the team whose ownership model tricked you into talking about Guy Fieri on SomethingAwful for at least half a page. We can pull this poo poo off and make a star out of her yet. We love champions at WME and Carla Esparza was one, technically. She even has her only UFC finish over the current champ, Rose Namajunas. But hot drat did she get eviscerated in her only title defense. You know I met her at my favorite solid gold ice creamery, Baskin-Rothschilds, before her fight with Joanna Former-Champion when we were still only toying with the idea of dabbling in the MMA market. Now that we own the books I took a look at her pay structure and she shouldn’t have been there at all, but at the time I assumed her modest $1,000 two-scoop sundae was a matter of saving calories rather than trying to order the cheapest thing on the menu. Anyway we chatted for a bit and she was so proud of her accomplishments and the hard work she put in to get where she was, and how she wasn’t going to lose that title no matter what and was gonna take that Polish muay thai champ down non-stop and expose the holes in her game. Then the next thing you know she doesn’t have functioning sinuses anymore and she went a year without work and had to sell motorcycles to get by or whatever. You know anyone with any self awareness would probably look upon her career as a cautionary tale, that there’s always someone better or more dangerous to deal with and hubris will be your downfall. Not me though, they made loving Entourage about me and openly saying racist poo poo about a Wesley Snipes movie pitch can’t even put a dent in my career. I’m loving untouchable baby. For the Welterweight Unimportant But Cool Violence Title  Carlos Condit vs.  Neil Magny Carlos Condit was also a former champ, technically. I mean not many people acknowledge his interim title reign as a particularly noteworthy or legitimate one, but gently caress that.. That was the Zuffa era. Our 700-belt plan is ironclad. It’s what the people want. So Condit is back. He’s won two fights since 2012 and has been finished or dominated by champs and contenders five times in that period, but we think he for sure has what it takes to win won of our illustrious inaugural made-up championships. Let’s see if he still has a jab-power-uppercut-quadruple-switch-question-mark-kick combo left up his sleeve. We get a lot of desperate, nervous letters from Catholic countries, begging the UFC to cut losses Neil Magny, but the bible says that the rich cannot inherit the kingdom of god anyways, and did God get Keanu Reeves that swank-rear end Manhattan high-rise? No, Al Pacino did, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 00:37
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 09:36 |
|
|
Are any of you guys going to watch this card?
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 00:45
|
|
|
CommonShore posted:Are any of you guys going to watch this card? Im choosing to watch The Room instead
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:13
|
|
|
CommonShore posted:Are any of you guys going to watch this card? I will. I watch all the cards basically. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:15
|
|
|
I will be watching the card with Khabib and Condit, yes.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:23
|
|
|
I'll also be drinking and playing age of sigmar so I'll be sure to post some pics in here.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:23
|
|
|
i consider my new year's pre-game: very overpriced and mostly disappointing.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:35
|
|
|
Gay Horney posted:I will be watching the card with Khabib and Condit, yes. 
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:38
|
|
|
CommonShore posted:Are any of you guys going to watch this card? I'm cool and popular and have plans. Please win Carlos
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:47
|
|
|
El Roncho posted:I will. I watch all the cards basically. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. And I barely remember half of them
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 01:58
|
|
|
Digital Jedi posted:
I just feel little inclination to go out these days and am usually done working pretty early. Leaves me with ample time to watch guys beat the snot out of each other. Honestly though, most the cards this year have been pretty entertaining.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 02:06
|
|
|
I am on call from 8pm until 8am so yea, probably.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 03:59
|
|
|
The MMA Handsomeness Gap has never been greater than the one between Carlos Condit and Neil Magny.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 04:02
|
|
|
ill watch it
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 04:33
|
|
|
Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:The MMA Handsomeness Gap has never been greater than the one between Carlos Condit and Neil Magny. cyborg and holly are on the same drat card
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 05:29
|
|
|
Gay Horney posted:cyborg and holly are on the same drat card 
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 07:19
|
|
|
Amazing OP Bluedeanie  CommonShore posted:Are any of you guys going to watch this card? Wish I could if only for the trainwreck value of Cyborg/Holm - hope Holly KOs her and then goes on to lose her next 4 fights in a row
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 09:34
|
|
|
I'm gonna DVR it and watch Khabib and Condit tomorrow morning if those fights are good.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 11:32
|
|
|
This is the worst PPV since the last time holly lost
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 11:36
|
|
|
Really hope Holly can land her One Weird Trick Head Kick to win this fight. Don't have the highest of hopes though.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 12:16
|
|
|
Still watching this, although I'm bummed that Cruz v Rivera didn't happen, as well as Lineker v Rivera and Morelas v Rivera.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 15:12
|
|
|
El Roncho posted:Really hope Holly can land her One Weird Trick Head Kick to win this fight. Don't have the highest of hopes though. Holly is awful but Cyborg hasn’t fought anyone good ever, so Holly might be able to do what she did to Ronda before lapsing back into justified obscurity. Style wise it’s very possible but Cyborg’s actual ability is kind of an unknown, beyond not “not that good”.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 15:18
|
|
|
khabib is pre-ducking conor, 145, this time my liver is locked on to max, I just want him to stop ducking conor one time
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 15:47
|
|
|
actually wait khalabeeb vs cyborg, there are levels to this game
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 15:48
|
|
|
Gay Horney posted:cyborg and holly are on the same drat card Hm. Yeah. Good point. I think I still give the edge to Condit/Magny, but Holmborg is a solid contender.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 19:13
|
|
|
I'm thinking of just watching some prelims and saving some strength for RIZIN at 1AM. That makes sense right? On the plus side at least the Rizin think will be free thanks to fite TV referral credit (anyone wants a link just PM me)
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 19:50
|
|
|
this card is gonna be wild
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 20:09
|
|
|
Bluedeanie posted:Im choosing to watch The Room instead BLUEDEANIE YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 23:01
|
|
|
Most of the fights on this card have fighters I recognize and all in all it looks like a solid loving ppv. The main event is either going to be horrible or hilarious, but the rest of the main card is loving solid and finally I get to see Khabib wreck someone again.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 23:07
|
|
|
Mr. Nice! posted:Most of the fights on this card have fighters I recognize and all in all it looks like a solid loving ppv. The main event is either going to be horrible or hilarious, but the rest of the main card is loving solid and finally I get to see Khabib wreck someone again. hat pals
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 23:30
|
|
|
Mr. Nice! posted:finally I get to see Khabib wreck someone again. There is still time for him to pull out, don't jinx it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 23:42
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2017 23:43
|
|
|
Bluedeanie posted:Im choosing to watch The Room instead Cyborg to her corner between rounds: "I did not hit her. I did not. Goddard steps in and tells her round 2 is about to start. Cyborg: "Oh, hi Marc."
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:27
|
|
|
my brother bilo is retard, we make him wear special hat
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:42
|
|
|
why would anyone not watch this card, it has very good fights on it (it's because it is important for some people to talk about how they don't like women's mma, like pretending to like heavyweight fights so no one accuses you of being gay)
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:43
|
|
|
I will not watch most of this card because I do not have money. I will watch the probably bad fights on the prelims and hope that someone does something cool.
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:53
|
|
|
cams posted:why would anyone not watch this card, it has very good fights on it I will not watch this card because I am about to get on a plane for Perth. It's a lovely flight, and at the end of it you're in Perth. I'd much rather watch this card.
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:56
|
|
|
cams posted:why would anyone not watch this card, it has very good fights on it It's pretty got dang hip to Not Watch Fights round these parts.
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 00:59
|
|
|
CommonShore posted:Are any of you guys going to watch this card? Not legally lol
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 01:02
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 09:36 |
|
|
vaginal facsimile posted:Not legally lol
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2017 01:07
|
|