Who Greenlighteded 2018 - Disney Even Owns Everything We Derail About!

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Who Greenlighteded 2018 - Disney Even Owns Everything We Derail About!

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ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

the movie is actually named "I Love Dogs"

# ¿ Jan 3, 2018 19:29

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 15:32

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Is this the only role Ben Mendelsohn can play now

# ¿ Jan 3, 2018 23:35

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

*Ben Mendelssohn finishes filming Rogue One where he wears monochrome capes and jackets and skulks around menacingly*

whew job well done, what's next

*Ben Mendelssohn films Ready Player One where he wears monochrome suits and jackets and skulks around menacingly*

Ok that's done, can't wait to get to my next project. It's Robin Hood! That'll really mix it up

*Ben Mendelssohn arrives on set and is shown to the costume trailer*

oh

# ¿ Jan 4, 2018 01:29

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

An excerpt from an interview with Jamie Foxx about that new Robin Hood movie:

�The way they shot it was crazy, it looks like you�re watching Zero Dark Thirty,� Foxx said. �We�re shooting with our bows, but they computer-generated it so it�s rapid-fire, almost like an AK. I saw that and was like �Oh, they ain�t ready for this.��

gently caress it, I'm on board this crazy train

# ¿ Jan 4, 2018 19:20

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Wheat Loaf posted:

Biggest movie in terms of money made this year... I'm going to go out on a limb and say Avengers 3.

Don't really see Jurassic Park or (lol) Solo doing it. I reckon Black Panther will do better than both of those movies.

I am excited that you have weighed in with a guess, and breathlessly await your continued, smugly satisfied tracking of money pouring into different partitions of mega-corporation coffers

# ¿ Jan 8, 2018 17:13

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Yars' Revenge ruled and I played the poo poo out of it as a kid

# ¿ Jan 16, 2018 01:26

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Basebf555 posted:

Leno definitely came off looking like complete poo poo, that's true. It's the one thing people bring up right away as soon as you start talking about him.

"Complete poo poo" was a phrase often directed at Jay Leno, even in childhood, so it's pretty hosed up that you would dare let it escape your lips here

# ¿ Jan 19, 2018 15:32

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Detective No. 27 posted:

Oh yeah. I was thinking about the second.

And third

# ¿ Jan 20, 2018 05:12

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Basebf555 posted:

Sword in the Stone

Funniest post in this thread imho

# ¿ Jan 30, 2018 16:56

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

I agree, it is very risky to make a movie that includes the history of a troubling or controversial person, and we should endeavor to eliminate all reference to any problematic actors in society

# ¿ Feb 2, 2018 21:22

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Which TNG movie had the cast all hootin' and tootin' around in dune buggies, and then they find Stupid Data

That was the best worst one

# ¿ Feb 10, 2018 22:36

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Timby posted:

That was Nemesis, which was a cavalcade of poo poo on all fronts:

- Brent Spiner, who was always very cagey and never signed movie contracts with options but rather went movie-to-movie, said he would only do the movie on two conditions: 1) He wanted the same level of creative control that Stewart had had on Insurrection (which was to the extent of "we don't shoot until I'm happy with the script"), and 2) Data had to die.

- Spiner hired John Logan, who at that point had such cinematic masterpieces as Bats and RKO 281 under his belt--the latter of which was so heavily plagiarized that the producers had to give screen credit to a previous documentary in order to avoid a lawsuit--and because he and Logan were friends, he used his clout to have Logan's contract structured to prohibit rewrites by any other writer.

- While Rick Berman had approached Trek veterans like Frakes, Nimoy and even Nick Meyer about directing the film, Frakes was vetoed by Stewart and Nimoy and Meyer told him to gently caress off upon learning that they couldn't touch the script.

- Sherry Lansing at Paramount then tells Rick Berman that he has to hire Stuart Baird, because Lansing had promised Baird a high-profile directing job as a thank-you for salvaging Tomb Raider and Mission: Impossible 2 in editing after both films' directors turned in incomprehensible messes (Woo's M:I 2 cut was more than three hours long, lawl).

- Baird was pissed about getting the job, because he wasn't a sci-fi fan in the slightest and had never watched any Star Trek whatsoever in his life. He was dismissive to the cast (frequently referring to LeVar Burton as "Laverne" and constantly thinking Geordi was an alien because of his contact lenses; being awful to Gates McFadden and especially Marina Sirtis).

- Tom Hardy, who at that time is already well in the depths of alcohol and crack addiction, is cast as Patrick Stewart's clone, a role in which he is loving awful.

- The first poster is such a terrible Photoshop job that it's quickly picked up that they re-used TNG-era photos of Stewart and Spiner (because their TNG uniform collars were visible).

- On top of all that, the movie is seriously a complete rehash of Wrath of Khan, down to the ship's dispassionate science officer sacrificing himself to save the Enterprise from a ticking time bomb.

- The film gets beat at the box office by Maid in Manhattan in its opening weekend and becomes the lowest-grossing Trek movie ever.

Can we have a thread where people put together awesome bulleted lists like this of disastrous or hilarious productions

# ¿ Feb 10, 2018 22:58

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Rochallor posted:

How are these people, who are generally TV actors, getting insane clauses like they get to take over the script if it takes too long? Is it just that they're so associated with their characters that they're basically irreplaceable? Patrick Stewart I can understand, but Brent Spiner? Really? I'm not a big Trek fan but I can't think of a single other thing he's done.

Outside of Independence Day, he was the bad guy in Dana Carvey's The Master of Disguise, where he ended every one of his scenes with the same gag, in which he does a villain laugh until farting

# ¿ Feb 11, 2018 00:49

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Lmaooo
https://www.polygon.com/2018/2/12/17004382/five-nights-at-freddys-movie-director-chris-columbus-blumhouse

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 19:30

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

GonSmithe posted:

I pity the fool who isn�t exited to see what a Blumhouse Five Nights at Freddy�s is going to be like

Even Chris Columbus's good movies border on very bad

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 20:12

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Shageletic posted:

What's this Five Nights thing and why is it terrible?

Five Nights at Freddy's is a jumpscare game about a grimdark pizza place full of murderous animatronic animals that enraptured a nation of youtube manchildren who pretended to scream a lot, gaining untold billions of elementary school fans along the way.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 20:15

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Fart City posted:

Woe to the pitiable soul who unwittingly finds themselves in a discussion about the FNAF �lore.� No light reaches those eldritch depths.

I hope that Columbus finds himself as slavishly devoted to it as he was to the soulless word-for-word Harry Potter movies he farted out

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 20:28

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Wheat Loaf posted:

Home Alone, Mrs Doubtfire, uhhhhh.... That's all I've got.

I guess Adventures In Babysitting had a nice poster.

That's pretty much the list.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 20:34

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

21 Muns posted:

I think it's pretty depressing that this seems to have taken hold as a majority opinion. Looking back at the series, Columbus's entries are the only two that hold up as good cinema. (Prisoner of Azkaban and Fantastic Beasts come close; Fantastic Beasts 2 probably won't.) Were they slavishly committed to being straight adaptations of the books? Maybe, but by Deathly Hallows 2, the series was definitely slavishly committed to being generic Marvel-y Hollywood Blockbuster Events, which I would call a definite downgrade. Rowling isn't a great writer, far from it, and she's gotten worse over time. But she's good at writing things that are weird and uncanny, and just putting those things onscreen sets a significantly more unique and compelling tone than whatever Script-Doc-Bot-5000 can come up with to optimize ticket sales.

Also worth noting that Columbus's HP films aren't literally or spiritually "soulless word-for-word adaptations" - on the one hand, yes, they deviate from the book all over the place, while maintaining its basic spirit and tone. And on the other hand, do you have any idea how much work it is setting up shots and deciding how to edit a scene to properly create a tone? For gently caress's sake, it's not just "hmm, I don't feel like paying a real screenwriter, I'm just going to use the book instead, now I don't have to do anything, paycheck please". When people say that Columbus's films were just identical to the books, whereas the later films improved upon the books by taking liberties in adaptation, they're making a very basic mistake: Columbus's films weren't literally identical to the books, they were tonally identical to the books. The later films didn't give a poo poo about being anything like the books, which is kind of dumb given that they're ostensibly supposed to be adaptations of them. It's certainly the case that the later films make plot and character decisions that are objectively better writing than the books; I think a better adaptation would probably make the same changes. But the later films don't feel much like the books at all, whereas the earlier films do. Harry Potter is supposedly a series that grows with its audience, but this is largely a matter of the events taking place. In terms of writing, Philosopher's Stone and Deathly Hallows are very similar books, whereas the films feel like they were made by completely different people for completely different purposes because, well, they were. Can you even imagine how Columbus would have adapted the later books? It would have been the best poo poo ever. People would have been dying left and right, there'd be plotlines with date rape drugs and torture and genocide, but it'd all still be in that childish Home-Alone-but-with-CGI-magic-tricks style. That's the spirit of Harry Potter right there.

(As an aside, Home Alone is also pretty great, one of the few childhood favorites that really does stand up to a proper examination. Home Alone 2 isn't "great", but it is an interesting intellectual exercise, in the same sense that a shot-for-shot remake of a classic film is.)

In any case, film was really the wrong medium for a Harry Potter adaptation anyway; it would have been better as some kind of television serial with one season per book. Doing that would entail adding a lot of new plotlines and so forth in places, but as long as it was done in the spirit of the original, I think it'd make for quality storytelling.

hi chris

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 23:20

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

One of the only things I've found more shocking to discover online than the depths of Five Nights at Freddy's fandom is the amount of people who believe Richard Harris was a better Dumbledore than Michael Gambon

# ¿ Feb 13, 2018 00:04

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

CAN I GET YA LICENNNSE AND RREGISTRRATION-AHHHHH

# ¿ Feb 13, 2018 15:46

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Al Borland Corp. posted:

Who's gonna play Peggy Bundy

Lars

# ¿ Feb 13, 2018 15:55

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

whydirt posted:

Aliens but they're ALFs

Yes please

edit: i mean, technically, they're already ALFs

# ¿ Feb 15, 2018 22:38

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Tars Tarkas posted:

Hell yeah, a Flamin' Hot Cheetos movie, and you thought Hollywood had run out of super heroes!

http://variety.com/2018/film/news/flamin-hot-cheetos-movie-devon-franklin-fox-searchlight-1202707879/

Flamin' Hot Cheetos disrupted the entire food industry

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 22:40

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

HUNDU THE BEAST GOD posted:

If they do it like The Founder it will be awesome.

The Founder is a story about a driven man who built an empire on the backs of others.
The Cheeto Man is a story about "I see the corn man adding butter, cheese, and chili to the corn and thought, what if I add chili to a Cheeto?"

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 22:49

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Fart City posted:

�What�s a �Deviant Art,� Venellope?

...

Oh god.

Oh dear sweet pure baby Jesus.�

The best thing I've ever found on DeviantArt is a lengthy series of terrible pencil drawings chronicling the relationship between Calhoun and Fix-it Felix, including things like her cradling a crying Felix in her arms, because she had just explained 9/11 to a 1980s video game man

edit: oh my god lol I remembered it backwards, he's explained it to her because her game didn't exist yet
https://www.deviantart.com/art/Monsters-9-11-399868026

# ¿ Mar 1, 2018 15:49

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

I don't give two shits about the hypocrisy of that Sarah Connor scene, it's just howlingly loving maudlin and hilarious

# ¿ Mar 1, 2018 17:11

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

lelandjs posted:

Heh. Like most things in RP1, it�s actually worse: Ernest�s self-insert is super excited to meet Art3mis IRL because her avatar is super hot, so therefore she must be too! But nope, she�s kinda dumpy and chubby but then he doesn�t actually care because Ernest suddenly realizes appearances don�t matter!

Though from checking IMDB it looks like they changed that for the movie because the actress playing Art3mis isn�t even Hollywood fat.

...Also, Ernest�s IMDB profile pic is him cosplaying as a Ghostbuster with Harry �I sexually harassed several of my female employees� Knowles lurking in the background.

I'm deeply against doing anything that could be perceived as defending RPO, but this isn't true. Her avatar is described as realistically reubenesque, but with weird features like a pointy chin that Cline apparently thinks are attractive? He's very clear that he is definitely not into her in an objectifying way, no sir, definitely not, and then he lusts over her repeatedly and has saved local copies of every image she's ever posted on her blog (OF HER AVATAR) because he's a well adjusted young man.

Her Massive Physical Defect that she is very ashamed of and constantly tells him will repulse him is a port wine stain on her face. Otherwise, she looks very much like her avatar and is the zaftig woman of his dreams. He is able to look past this terrible deformity because he loves her for her heart and they have had many fun nights discussing their favorite episodes of Family loving Ties

# ¿ Mar 8, 2018 19:18

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Timby posted:

It's just sort of amazing that it came together in any sort of real way. I mean, you had one lead actor who was literally dying, another lead who was late to the set every day because he was too wiped out from doing mountains of cocaine and loving Kyle Minogue all night long, other actors who were perpetually drunk on the set, miserable filming conditions in Bangkok, a first-time director, a game studio with no film experience having full control over the script ... that's a Star Trek V level of "perfect storm in which everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong."

Again I ask for a thread about hilariously hosed-up productions

# ¿ Mar 21, 2018 22:17

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Changing the story of Rampage eliminates the possibility that, when defeated, the monsters turn into little naked people

# ¿ Mar 26, 2018 15:14

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

21 Muns posted:

This looks really good, but it seems like an awful lot to show in a trailer. I know there's going to be a lot more to the movie, but it still felt pretty synopsis-y. Leave some content for the movie, please!

# ¿ Mar 28, 2018 14:10

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

syscall girl posted:

Kwizatch

Biznatch

Kwisatz

# ¿ Mar 29, 2018 14:31

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

McGann posted:

I can't allow this to get lost in the flow, because this looks awesome.

This looks extremely, extremely Not Awesome

# ¿ Mar 31, 2018 15:55

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Jumanji but it's a tabletop RPG and the movie is just the players rules lawyering and hectoring the GM until the evil spirit gets frustrated and kicks them all back out to safety

# ¿ Apr 4, 2018 20:26

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

A.I. Borgland Corp posted:

Jumanji but it's a key party

in the White House

# ¿ Apr 4, 2018 21:21

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Movie should just be two hours of a teenager running away from a giant silver ball in an empty mall, since that's the only episode I remember

# ¿ Apr 10, 2018 19:22

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Yeah, I feel like Vin has viewed The Rock as an interloper stealing his spotlight. As many people got added to the "family," nobody really had the star wattage that The Rock brings to the movies. And it wasn't a problem until after Paul Walker died, because then somebody needed to step up and essentially be the co-star, and Vin resented that, I think.

# ¿ Apr 11, 2018 14:44