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Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Okay, here's the deal. Since Rarity vanished soon after taking up the mammoth task of rewatching all WWE PPV's, I'm going to take up the challenge in a slightly different format.

Rather than sticking to WWE PPV's, or trying to watch everything in order, I'm just going to watch random shows on the WWE Network, and review them based on their own merits. Or lack thereof.

My wrestling viewership history is as follows: Started with WWF Superstars back around Wrestlemania 4, stopped sometime after WM 19 when it stopped screening for a time in New Zealand. I start watching again back up around 2015, when my kid got interested in it. So there's a huge gap to fill there. I was always a WWF guy, but checked out WCW during the Wars as well.

Nitro and Raw ran on different days in New Zealand, so I was able to see both. . Even at it's height, I always found WCW uneven, amd at it's worst, unwatchable, so revisiting it will be interesting.

But to start off, let's go back to a random Monday in 1999, shall we?

WCW NITRO-March 23rd, 1999

I'll admit I picked this one because the screenshot showed the ring set up in a swimming pool. The swimming pool gimmick seemed to be a regular thing for them, so any bets on who get thrown in this time? Also, will this be the most sexist thing I'll see in 2017. (Future Kiwi: Yes. Yes, it will)

We kick off with a recap of Ric Flair claiming the Presidency. Flair/Whoo 2000!

Goldberg wants a title shot. So does Nash. So does Hogan. Hell, probably Arn Anderson and Loki probably want one.

There's a recap of a HORRIBLY overbooked four corners match, and we're LIVE (insert Tony Schivonne-pitched shrieking) from Panama Beach, Florida. Oh right, it's "Spring Breakout". Tony's all about the Ladies tonight.

But gently caress that, let's go to a recap of a Hak/Raven garbage brawl from Uncensored. It looks like a twister touched down in the ring. Said tornado would have more technical moves than The Sandman's entire career.

Well, that was pointless. Let's introduce our first match.

Wait, who the blue screaming gently caress is "Bull Payne"?


This is. Bad start, Nitro.

Okay, let's check this dude out. A black studded leather waistcoat, studded gloves, studded headband, necklace. It's like he went for "Mad Max" and only reached "Summertime Gimp" instead.

Larry Zbyszko is talking about his golf game at this stage. Shoot me.

Enter Van Hammer. who's dressed like he walked into the wardrobe room in the dark and just went "gently caress it, Hippy Exotic Dancer Biker it is."



Seriously, did either of these guys deserve an entrance?

Sign in the crowd "Hey Dad look, I'm with the Big Boys". Way to break the news to him, dude.

The crowd is chanting "Boring" after 48 seconds of the match. Guess there was an eight-drink minimum here.

Outside, Hammer points to the water, prompting Tony to talk about how "segment one" is too early for a dude to take a dip. Well, gently caress my immersion and unsuspend my disbelief.

Sign: "Jeff Bennett is Gay". We know, we read his sign to Dad earlier.

More kicking and slapping than a penguin fight so far.

Bull Payne clotheslines Hammer on the outside, coming within an inch of concussing himself a support post. Well, there's still time, let's not lose hope he might end his career tonight.

Hammer wins with the "Flashback", which is an Alabama Slam with a stupid name.

RATING: 1.5 Jeff Bennetts.

Nitro brought to you by Baby Ruths, Overbooking and Free Booze.

Recap of Kidman vs 12-Year-old unmasked Rey Mysterio. The recap rates 2 more Jeffs than Hammer vs Payne.


The most 90's man in the world interviews some kid

Shot of a creepy-looking dude in the crowd. You are NOT a college student, sir.

But I swear that's Bastion Booger behind him

Rey is interviewed by some dude called Ricky Rackman. He's going to wrestle Kidman again. (Rey, not Ricky) Well, might have ONE match that doesn't suck if they do it tonight.

And we now pause to promote chewing gum and look at boobs. Oh, and Buff Bagwell is there too. That'd cost you escort rates today.

Ricky Rackman returns to get in a battle of wits with Disco Inferno. This goes badly for all concerned. Disco appears to have been wrapped in aluminium foil, presumably trying desperately trying to keep his gimmick fresh.


Disco has spotted a strip club in the distance that's calling to him.

There follows a deliberately terrible clip of Disco rapping over Konnan's music video. At least they INTENDED this to be horrible.

Tony plugs sponsors, complete with a myriad of technical glitches, and it's time for a Scott Steiner recap package. Because gently caress having matches, that's why.

Steiner wants Buff Bagwell to "train his brain". RIP, Irony, 3AD-1999AD.

Match now?

Nope, recap of last weeks main event. Again.

Back to Ricky, then to Goldberg going to watch NASCAR. Then Hak shows up wrapped in barbed wire, proclaims himself "Hardcore Hak", and gets booked to wrestle Goldberg. And you wonder why Bill Goldberg claimed he never had any fun in wrestling until 2016.


Hak looks drunk, although I'm not sure why I bothered to type that.

And so, at the THIRTY MINUTE MARK, we get a second match. No fat on these three-hour cards.

It's an eight-man tag, and the first team don't even get a caption to ID them. Psychosis and Silver King are among them, so I guess they were just introduced as "A Bunch of Mexicans!"

A second bunch of Mexicans (Damian, La Parka and umm... some other guys, arrive as the commentary team reveal they don't know one of the wrestlers. ("La Cucaracha") An angle, or just apathy and ignorance?

La Cucaracha is wearing Konnans plaid shirt, chef pants(?) and a mask, so I'm guessing the former.

So lucha-ing begins, and the crowd is making 1/8th the noise they did for the first match. Of course. More flipping and flopping than a month in Congress. There's a cute spot where everyone goes up top and misses something, before Psychosis cuts out the middle man and literally leaps 'nads first onto the top rope. Whatever floats your boat, amigo.


Great visual metaphor for how WCW treated luchadores

La Cucaracha stuns three people in a row and pins some Mexican guy after 7 minutes of stuff. Then wanders off. Boy, hope that paid off eventually

Rating: 2.25 crushed Lucha-Balls.

Sign: "Will Work for Buff"-Oh, how the times have changed.

Sign: "I'm Not Wearing Any Pants"-Dammit, who let Harvey Weinstein in there?

Recap of drunk college kids plugging a telephone company while wearing bikins. Oh, and Buff's still there. Guess he forgot to book a hotel room.

And at 40 minute mark, we get the Nitro opening (w/exploding logo and fireworks) and Tony re-intros the show. What the gently caress have I just been watching, then?

Earlier, Ric Flair hangs around, dances, books what sounds like a convoluted clusterfuck, then bops off to sire a new generation of li'l Naitch'es.

Mike Tenay chats with Dusty Rhodes, nothing interesting is said. E.T couldn't have phoned that interview in more effectively.

Ric Flair shows up, resulting in WHOO's and some bikini-clad jiggling. Raven butts in to ask "What about Scotty Flamingo?", or something like that. Everyone talks over each other for a while, the upshot being that Raven wants a title shot, instead managing to get a handicap tag title shot against Malenko and Benoit.

Quoth the internet, you're boned.


Dressed in beige and STILL getting more action than most of the co-eds.

Ric then decides his title match opponent tonight will be drawn randomly out of a hat. Which is, I suspect, exactly how WCW booked ALL of its matches from ealy 2000 on.

Match three has Fit Finaly in it. Says something about the location when the middle-aged Irishman is the MOST sober person in the room.

His opponent, Rick Steiner, looks like he's been concussed on the way out of the locker room. Must have been sharing a house with Juventud Guerrera.


"Woow. Foow. Foof?"

Some mild kicky-punchy stuff happens, with Rick's eyes seemingly focusing on his own nose. Commercial break, and now Rick looks like he's run the Boston Marathon. Fit tries to rip his arms off and gets a chair. This is called "positive reinforcement" in Finlays town.

The commentary team are ignoring everything in the ring and talking about the US Title tournament that's going on, because of COURSE there's been a vacated title in late-90's WCW.

Steiner wins with the Plummeting Drunk Bulldog.

Rating: 1.25 shots of Jager.

The Nitro Girls help chew up a few minutes of airtime as Bobby Heenan shows up to liven up the show.

Vampiro's in the next match. Nice corset, sir. Your one-man Goth revival of "Pride and Prejudice" must be going well.


Classy.

He's up against Juvy, prior to his wonderful departure from WCW. (Smashed off his tits and semi-dressed in public in Sydney, Australia. Which rarely gets you arrested in Sydney, but let's move on)

The crowd has no idea which immigrant they're supposed to boo, so they settle for generic "confused drunk" noises.

Juvy plays face, then gets powerbombed halfway to the earth's core by Vampiro. Vampiro keeps loving around with his boots, which is distracting as hell. They proceed to spectacularly gently caress up a few spots and wander around for ages. And we go to commercial just as they lock up again.

WCW editing, folks.

Back from the break, they take turns chopping each others chests into jelly. The "Boring" chants are back. Quick Li'l Naitch, flash the crowd to get them back!

Vampiro sells a power move by casually adjusting his boots, then sits up at the wrong time and nearly gets Juvy's foot up his nose. I'd forgotten how fast Vampiros run in WCW turned to crap. Vamp gutwrenches Juvy off the top, slipping halfway through, meaning Juvy comes very close to just driving his head into the mat like a tent peg. It gets two, of course.


Your boots are fine, rear end in a top hat. Stay down and try not to get killed on this move.

Juvy Driver out of nowhere finishes off Vampiro, because nothing gets a guy over in his second match back than losing clean. Clap, loving clap, WCW.

Rating: 2 Ornate Corsets, minus 1/2 for every blown spot. Meaning a net score of zero.

The unwelcome return of Ricky heralds the winner of the "Miss Nitro" contrest. By the mid-point of the year 2000, "Miss Nitro" was a good suggestion, not a contest. Nash and Hogan then sleaze on out with bevy of bikini-clad co-eds to get drunkenly screamed at by the audience.

Also showing up is David Flair, who as usual looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but on WCW. This horrible, uncomfortable segment grinds on for WAY too long until we mercifully go to commercial.


Three collossal boobs. And some ladies.

Hak (Excuse me, HARDCORE Hak) stumbles on out, wrapped once more in barbed wire. On loop is under his nose, making him look like he's sniffing it all the way to ringside. Goldberg appears, then disappears in ALL the pyro. Hak catches him a with a spinning headscissors....

Yes, of course I'm joking. The match goes PunchityPunchityPunch, before Goldberg surprises me with a cross-arm breaker. Who taught him a third move?

Sign: Goldberg is a Roody Pooh (Next to a "Goldberg Sucks" sign)-Not sure you needed the "h" on the end, because now I see him Jackhammering Christopher Robin in my head.

The commentary team starts getting SERIOUSLY homoerotic over these two. (Tony: "What a man!". Bobby: "But Hak's a big man, too!". Tony: "A VERY big man!") Well, I guess they TRIED to balance out their drooling over bikini-clad ladies, at least.

Goldberg no-sells a bunch of canes in the forehead, spear, Jackhammer, ballgame. WCW's crack production crew shows a replay of the pinfall, which reveals Drunken Hak lifting his shoulder about three feet off the canvas just to be a dick.

Rating: 1.25 Bleeding Foreheads

A half-rear end knock-off theme brings out Brett "Really Couldn't Give a gently caress Right Now" Hart. He complains about how little respect he gets in WCW, so bonus points for sheer honesty. He ends up challenging Goldberg, and I'm sure we all recall how well THAT turned out. Well, maybe Brett may not remember much about it.


The most depressed there was, the most...

Another ad break, and now there's a bunch of Nitro Girls dressed as WCW wrestlers. "I'm Buff Bagwell!" one helpfully shouts to camera. If it keeps the real Buff off-screen, I say hire her full-time.


I'm sold, fire Buff and keep her.

Hollywood Hogans theme plays and out comes... Horace Hogan. Never thought I'd be disappointed that Hogan had been replaced, but there you go. And then he's joined by Virgil. Sorry, Vincent. Like it matters, they didn't give him a personality when they changed his name.

Horace beats the ever-loving poo poo out of Vince for a while, while the crowd slowly dies. They brawl in the floor, making me wonder if getting tossed in the pool counts as an automatic submission. Then Stevie Ray turns up as I start to question my life choices that led me to re-watching this crap.

Vince wins with a roll-up.

Yes, I said Virgil beat a Hogan. No, I'm not drunk.

Rating: 0.5 Lonely Virgils.

Just to make my night, Bryan Adams shows up. No-one cares.

Flair and company arrive to randomly draw a challenger. Twenty-plus wrestlers are around the ringside, most of which haven't appeared on the show so far, and probably won't again. Easy money, WCW-style!

The winner of the draw is El Dandy, who's in the back wearing 83 feet of bandages on his arm. That might be more convincing if they'd showed him selling an arm injury in his match earlier. He passes the number to Rey Mysterio instead.


Coincidentally, the same number of sober people in the arena.

But first, Raven vs. Malenko & Benoit. I pause the show, capturing a beautiful still of a drunk kid flipping off the camera. Classy as balls.


My thoughts exactly, kid.

Malenko & Benoit proceed to lay in chops that that Ravens grandchildren will be able to feel and beat him until Perry Saturn ambles out, dressed in a fetching leather skirt and bustier combo. Guess he's going clubbing after the show. He attacks Benoit, ref Nick Patrick just kind of shrugs and lets him become part of the match. Not sure Nick Patrick knows what a "handicap" match is.


Malenko has NO idea where to look.

The match becomes an extended beatdown of Saturn, then a messy schmozz until Raven gets DQed for swinging a tag title belt in the general vicinity of Malenkos head. By which I mean "they were both in the state of Florida", because that was some world-class whiffing they did there.

Rating: 1 Leather Gogo outfit.

We then recap Miss NWO from about twenty minutes ago. I fast-forward.

A U.S Title Tournament match next. Scott Steiner 'roids his way to the ring, where the worst booking decision of the night is made.

They give him a live mic.

Ninety seconds of gibberish later, Chris Jericho makes his entrance. (The Network overdubs whatever his WCW theme was with "Break the Walls Down". Just pay for the rights, you cheap bastards!)

Jericho's working his rear end of here, considering his opponent is about as mobile as the Chrysler Building. (due to his upper body being made entirely of protein shakes and all the growth hormone he could drain from Rick while he slept) Jericho even teases going in the pool more than once. Steiner just ignores everything he does and beats him with a Steiner Recliner in about five minutes.

Rating: I refuse to give poor ratings to Scott's matches in case he reads this and tears my spine out.

Main Event time! WCW wheels out Michael Buffer for his twenty-grand catchphrase. Wish I had a three-minute workday!

The bell rings with exactly eight minutes of the show remaining. So, no 60-minute Broadway tonight, huh?

Sign: Something written in a dialect so Redneck, I can't even make it out.

The next few minutes are presented by Styles Clash Wrestling Dot Com.

And yet somehow, Ric manages to bleed within FOUR minutes of the match starting, Amazing.

Scarily, Rey smacks his head into the ropes on a botched whip. He keeps going, though, proceeding to completely miss Flair on an spinning heel kick. Then almost misses him again as they repeat the spot. Then dropkicks Flair squarely in the balls. Concussion test for Rey, STAT!


"Space Mountain THIS, bitch!"

The match ends (are you sitting down?) with Arn Anderson pulling the ref out, which somehow results in a DQ win for Flair. Not sure how that happens, but at least we're done here.

Rating: 1.75 Space Mountains.

Flair, ever the professional, graciously allows Rey to kick him into the pool to close the show.

How Much I Enjoyed This Show: Slightly more than dental surgery, slightly less than a health and safety meeting.

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Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Okay, so that;s one done. I've got three more already written, so if it turns out this doesn't suck, I'll post one every so often.

Feel free to recommend a particluar show I should watch.

Pay-Per-Views will take longer to recap, so I'll do those less regularly.

Or, y'know, I'll burn out in week and this will end up in Archive Hell with Rarity's thread.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


It seems you missed it but Rarity restarted their project and it has been going strong for about half a year now!

That's just covering WWF PPVs though. For my money, if you want this thing to last you'll probably want to avoid just posting your reaction to everything as it happens (which I assume you've done based on how it is written) and just watch the show and then condense your thoughts somewhat. You've chosen some absolutely dire and LONG Nitros to look back on so I don't particularly envy you.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Jerusalem posted:

It seems you missed it but Rarity restarted their project and it has been going strong for about half a year now!

That's just covering WWF PPVs though. For my money, if you want this thing to last you'll probably want to avoid just posting your reaction to everything as it happens (which I assume you've done based on how it is written) and just watch the show and then condense your thoughts somewhat. You've chosen some absolutely dire and LONG Nitros to look back on so I don't particularly envy you.

I did miss that. But gently caress it, let's roll with this stupid project.

I'm going with the 'reaction shot" method though. God knows, I ain't watching these things twice.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




I'm following along with this. I'm glad I've inspired other people to be creative

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Rarity posted:

I'm following along with this. I'm glad I've inspired other people to be creative

You['ve also inadvertantly inspired me to watch THE WORST NITRO EVER.

At least I hope it was.

Please God, let it be the worst Nitro I have to watch.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Distorted Kiwi posted:

You['ve also inadvertantly inspired me to watch THE WORST NITRO EVER.

At least I hope it was.

Please God, let it be the worst Nitro I have to watch.

You should watch the Nitro from 2 weeks prior to gain context on this show!

There's only 2 hours of wrestling!

Endless Mike
Aug 13, 2003

Get running
Start pumping your bunions, I'm coming
I'm the dumbest, who flamethrow your function to Funyons
Flame your crew quicker than Trump fucks his youngest
Now face the flame fuckers your fame and fate's done with


Distorted Kiwi posted:

You['ve also inadvertantly inspired me to watch THE WORST NITRO EVER.

At least I hope it was.

Please God, let it be the worst Nitro I have to watch.

Saturn, Malenko, and Benoit are still there, so nope, nowhere near the worst Nitro ever.

forkboy84
Jun 13, 2012

When I was a wee bairn we couldn't afford food so we ate people's cast-off forks. Now I only consume top quality British eating utensils from Michelin starred restaurants

Bull Pain ended up doing a lot of death match stuff in IWA Mid South. He was always pretty intense and stiff and though I've not watched that stuff in a decade but I remember having a terrifying aura in a way few of those death match dudes did.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Endless Mike posted:

Saturn, Malenko, and Benoit are still there, so nope, nowhere near the worst Nitro ever.

The Spring Break one was bad. The NEXT Nitro I'm looking at (from the year 2000) was the worst. So far. That recap will be up once I steel myself to go back and get screencaps.

Next up, some WCCW and WWE shows

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Distorted Kiwi posted:

The Spring Break one was bad. The NEXT Nitro I'm looking at (from the year 2000) was the worst. So far. That recap will be up once I steel myself to go back and get screencaps.

Next up, some WCCW and WWE shows

You really should do the 3/8/1999 Nitro

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

exploded mummy posted:

You really should do the 3/8/1999 Nitro

Added to the watchlist. The words "Sid Vicious" and "Scott Steiner" are in the description, so I'm expecting some interesting takes on the English language.

Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 06:03

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Distorted Kiwi posted:

Please God, let it be the worst Nitro I have to watch.

Oh my sweet Summer Child...

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Right, I've now got three more of these ready to roll, so let's watch us some 1988 World Class Championship Wrestling. Possibly wasn't the best choice for recapping, as you'll soon be keenly aware.



WCCW March 13th, 1988

Just a short one today, as some of this show was lost to "Technical Production Difficulties". Why did that never happen during a Buff Bagwell match?

Coming to us from The Sportatorium, of course-atoruim.

After about 1/3 of a sentence from commentator Marc Lowrance, who immediately takes us to Micheal "P.S" Hayes singing "Badstreet , U.S A" live at the "Badstreet Concert". His leather pants are considered a war crime in several countries.


As is Marc Lowrance's face.

Buddy Rogers shows up, and the concert turns into an Oasis gig, provided Liam learned how to dropkick Noel in the face.


Kerry von Erich suddenly learns how to sing like Tiny Tim.

This show is already 98% better than everything on the Nitro I just reviewed.

First match, and it's The Real Thing (Not the dude from the Addams Family, sadly) vs "Wild Bill Irwin". The Real Thing looks like Ogre from The Revenge of the Nerds, the U.K Version. Confusingly, despite his Union Jack t-shirt, he's from "Parts Unknown". He then proceeds (according to his manager, "Playboy" Vince Apollo") to do the "New Zealand War Challenge".

As a kiwi, considered me intrigued.


"Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrddds!"

The Real Thing then blows my mind by busting out Ka Mate, the haka traditionally used by our national rugby team. While not perfect, it's not the worst attempt at it I've seen, either. I pause the show and get Googling.

Turns out The Real Thing is of course New Zealander Rip Morgan, who I recall being mentioned in one of Mick Foleys books. Kiwi! Kiwi! Kiwi!

The WCCW commentator then calls the haka "The Norwegian Warchant", and I immediately die inside and contemplate alcohol. It's 11 in the morning.

I'm guessing The Norwegian Warchant would be a good Goon name, though.


Seriously, Wild Bill looks more Norwegian than Rip.

The opening flurry looks like Bart and Lisa Simpsons "windmill-arms" fight, as both guys just kind of flail at each other. Much punching ensues. Then more punching. Then punching on the outside. Commentator Guy calls the bout "action packed" as The Real Thing goes to a traps hold. Really?

Wild Bill fights back, and as both guys are hairy as hell, it now looks like two cavemen are tussling. A Neanderbrawl? (Copyright pending)

And abruptly the match is over as The Angel of Death shows up and starts pounding away on Bill. Or in the general area of him, flailing so wildly I thought he was blind for a second or two. Comedic heel miscommunication results in Vince Apollo taking a better bump over the rope than any of the wrestlers have done so far.

The save is made by The Missing Link, who looks like Mini-Meng in a mask made of papier-mâché. Well, that was... abdriged.

Rating: 0.5 Norwegian Kiwis

Back from the break, a tag match! "Hollywood" John Tatum and Jack Victory vs. Jef Raitz and Jason Sterling. Jeff and John have no nicknames and much smaller mullets than John and Jack, so I'm smelling a squash of epic proportions brewing.


"Mullets are cool!"-said no Doctor Who ever.

A crowd-shots indicates this was pre-signs, but the slack-jawed expression of the guy in the front row makes me think moonshine was pretty big in late 80's Texas.

Sterling tags in after a few bodyslams by Raitz and proceeds to do a mincing strut so camp Lanny Poffo probably told him to "butch it up a little". He's also fighting barefoot, making him look like a down-on-his-luck Chippendales dancer. He hiptosses Tatum and gives us an encore of his rear end-shaking, this time in glorious close-up. Way to instantly turn my wife off men, dickhead.


No, I'll never be able to un-see this, either.

And two minutes into the match, the Simpson Brothers show up at ringside to scope out the Mullet Twins. The Simpsons also have pretty impressive mullets going on, so perhaps they're just wanting to swap styling tips. Tatum nearly kills his opponent with a half-rear end powerslam where he just falls on the poor guy. Finish comes as Sterling leaps on the back of Victory, then gets clotheslined off in mid-air by Tatum. Okay, that was pretty nice.

Match Rating: 1.75 Flowing Mullets.


Guessing these two teams ended up fighting over the last bottle of conditioner.

We slam out of commercial into the midle of a huge brawl. Terry "Not a Rooster" Taylor is piledriving "Gentleman" Chris Adams like he keyed his car beforehand. Taylor then rolls Adams up with the mother of all tight pulls. All my wife could say was "ew" at the excessive amount of sweaty man-crack exposed.


You're welcome.

That was a highlight package, that nearly showed off someone's pacage, so we go to an interview with Terry. He's happily playing the cockiest heel in Heelsville. Having only ever seen him pretending to be a chicken, this was somewhat refreshing for me.

Back from another break, it's Terry Taylor vs Bobby Fulton. Terry's the Texas Heavyweight Champion, getting to wear a state-shaped belt. Lucky WCCW isn't in Rhode Island, he'd probably lose the belt under a facecloth.

Marc keeps calling the matches "exciting", even when they've only been going nine seconds and have involved nothing by a lockup and some strutting. Well, points for enthusiasm, I guess. Fulton gets a Thesz Press, then lays on top of Terry with his nuts at nose level and jiggles a lot. I'm NOT screencapping that.


Okay, I lied. Enjoy!

Oh, and Marc mentions Kerry von Erich's in the main event tonight. In TEXAS? Colour me VERY unsurprised.

Terry wins by cheating like a bastard. As is only good and right.

Rating: 1.5 exposed butt cracks.

Main Event time! It's for the Six-Man Tag Team Titles. Squaring off, it's champs Buddy Roberts, "Iceman" King Parsons and the Angel of Death vs Steve (massive girly scream) Simpson and Kevin & Kerry von Erich. Guess Steve's popular with the ladies in Texas. Annnnd, commerical break before a punch is even thrown.

Pier-sixer off the bat, with Iceman getting flung out of the ring onto a rather solid-looking timekeepers table. He can't complain, he's wrestling a von Erich in Texas, so he's one of the only guys on the card making money. Kevin, meanwhile, is wrestling barefoot in just red trunks. From behind he looks like he just lost his luggage and had to go out in his Underoos.


Kevin, always the "beach-ready" von Erich.

And three minutes later, another commercial break. I feel like I'm watching American Football all of a sudden.

We come back as Kerry gets knocked to the floor, prompting Iceman to strut around like Ric Flair after nine beers. He's also sporting he rare Inverted Mohawk.


Pause just right and Kevin turns into Naked Mideon.

Hot tag to Captain Erichpants who cleans house and threatens THE IRON CLAW! (I forget, was he Marvel or DC?) He tags in Steve "Not a Member of Poison" Simpson. (Just how much hair spray was sold in the 1980's between wrestling and metal bands?)


The face of a man who just thought up a BITCHIN' guitar riff.

Marc uses "excited" again, this time during a pan of the crowd where everyone seems frozen in their seats like waxwork dummies. He also keeps telling us we may run out of broadcast time before the end of the match. I'm sure he thinks that's exciting, too.

But wait, there's a shocking twist (for the third time tonight) as we cue the run-in! Exciting. Terry Taylor arrives to beat up Chris Adams on the floor, all hell breaks loose, the heels double-team Steve and Buddy Roberts get a three count while Kevin "My Arms are Made of Wet Noodles" tries unsuccessfully to drag him off.

Rating: 2 Badly-Timed Commercial Breaks.

And ten seconds later, we're done.

Final Thoughts: Wow, that was some uninspired booking you had there, WCCW. Fourty-five minutes of gently caress all.

Better than that Nitro, though.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Marc Lowrance sounds like a name somebody stopped by a cop on the street nervously made up on the spot.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Barefoot wrestling only works on bigger guys like Rusev or Umaga or Yokozuna, or guys whose gimmick it fits like Jimmy Snuka. Regular sized non-gimmicked dudes doing it just looks odd and distracting, especially if they're not wearing shin guards/knee pads/ankle wraps or anything else on their legs. Kevin von Erich always just looks like he hopped out of bed to go downstairs and drink straight out of the milk carton and accidentally found himself in a wrestling match

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Aesop Poprock posted:

Barefoot wrestling only works on bigger guys like Rusev or Umaga or Yokozuna, or guys whose gimmick it fits like Jimmy Snuka. Regular sized non-gimmicked dudes doing it just looks odd and distracting, especially if they're not wearing shin guards/knee pads/ankle wraps or anything else on their legs. Kevin von Erich always just looks like he hopped out of bed to go downstairs and drink straight out of the milk carton and accidentally found himself in a wrestling match

I read up a little on him after writing that review, and discovered he started it after his boots were hidden for a rib.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Terry Taylor getting in more screentime than he managed across all his WWF PPVs here

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Bulll Pain's post WCW career is far more interesting than his WCW one. He caught on with IWA-MS, Ian Rotten's proto-PWG promotion, and his rep was basically "I am going to stiff the everloving poo poo out of you", to the point where younger guys who worked for Ian regularly would get thrown in with Bull if a)they did something that pissed off the locker room or b)To test their mettle. Sometimes he'd take it too far, though. Take it away, Chris:

quote:

He relays a story where Eddie Kingston legitimately breaks his ankle during a three-way match with himself and Pain where Pain attempts to slap a submission ON THE BROKEN ANKLE. Kingston, afraid this no-talent is going to further injure him, taps out immediately. Pain panics and wants to go to the finish but Hero calms him down since it's the main event.

After the show, Pain heads backstage with his newly won title and asks Kingston how he is. According to Hero, Pain didn't even wait to hear "War King's" answer.

With Kingston temporarily out of commission, Pain and Hero continue their feud. He continues to bury Pain when describing how awful their successive matches were. It was bad enough, Hero made a shoot comment about wrestling Kingston in a Loser Leaves Town match simply to give himself an out from the company.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Aesop Poprock posted:

Barefoot wrestling only works on bigger guys like Rusev or Umaga or Yokozuna, or guys whose gimmick it fits like Jimmy Snuka. Regular sized non-gimmicked dudes doing it just looks odd and distracting, especially if they're not wearing shin guards/knee pads/ankle wraps or anything else on their legs. Kevin von Erich always just looks like he hopped out of bed to go downstairs and drink straight out of the milk carton and accidentally found himself in a wrestling match

also Matt Riddle

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

El Gallinero Gros posted:

Bulll Pain's post WCW career is far more interesting than his WCW one. He caught on with IWA-MS, Ian Rotten's proto-PWG promotion, and his rep was basically "I am going to stiff the everloving poo poo out of you", to the point where younger guys who worked for Ian regularly would get thrown in with Bull if a)they did something that pissed off the locker room or b)To test their mettle. Sometimes he'd take it too far, though. Take it away, Chris:

Wow. He sounds like a real loving charmer.

Also, THIS is the best publicity shot I found of him.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Bill Irwin would later turn up in the WWF as the "former" hockey player The Goon

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Davros1 posted:

Bill Irwin would later turn up in the WWF as the "former" hockey player The Goon

Well, plenty of good hockey players from Norway.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Time to turn my attention to the WWE. (or F, depending in the vintage) I'm heading back to October 4th, 1994, a year where the WWF was in rebuild mode. Not a year as bad as 1995, where Vince somehow thought Mabel was a main eventer. Must have been some good poo poo being smoked in the board room that year.


If so, I bet they LOVED this jacket

Straight into Vince screaming like a maniac, recapping Jim "The Anvil" challenging The British Bulldog to a match. And there's an Owen Hart sighting! Excuse me while I pour out a Canadian Club for my homie. Oh, what could have been.


Starring Davey-Boy as your Great-Aunt

Wait a second, this show is only 45 minutes long without commercials? Holy crap, I forgot RAW started as an hour-long show! Also tonight, Bob Backlund, Doink, Luna Vachon, Alundra Blaze, Bull Nakano and... Heidi Lee Morgan? Well, I knew I'd see a few people I'd never heard of in this gig.

Vince and Macho Man are on commentary, so you might want to turn your volume down just READING this recap. Macho hilariously mangles the word "hiatus", then tells Vince it's French. Somewhere, Dean Douglas is crying. A hiptoss by Davey-Boy and Vince screams so loud I'm afraid his vocal cords are about to explode. Macho is, as usual, adding syllables to words at random. He makes the word "husbands" last about an hour at one point.

They keep referencing Summer Slam, which was "five weeks ago". Ahh, the days when Pay-Per-Views didn't arrive more regularly than cross-town buses.

The Anvil totally no-sells a knee lift, so Macho calls him "A Powerful, Powerful Tower of Power". I suspect somewhere there's an all-male erotic film with the same name. We go to commercial as Brett Hart heads out.


Or possibly some guy called "Will Continue"

He's the champion at this point, so yes, they went from Brett matches to Diesel vs Mabel in just over a year. Sit in the corner and think about what you've done, WWF.

Bulldog's knee plays Ricky Morton for a while until he makes a comeback. Anvil uses "Powaaaaaaaaaaaa" to stop that. (According to Randy at least, although I may be a few "a's" short) Owen is being a total Canadian Heel, shout that Brett needs to "get the heck out of here!" Hey, watch the potty mouth, kid!


Anvil, MACHKA!

Bob Backland shows up as Owen gets The Anvil DQ'ed.

Rating : 2.5 Tim Horton's Apple Fritter Doughnuts.

We pause for a back-patting commercial pointing out WWF guys don't strike like baseball players. Yep, being considered "independent contractors" does kind of kill that chance, Vince. Dickhead.

Doink music! Yay!

drat it, there's Dink. It's stupid babyface Doink. #EvilDoink4Life

Before the match, Randy wrecks a locker to get some Slim Jims. Dude, vandalism is NOT okay, even for salty meat bars!


Is nitrate poisoning a thing?

Doinks wrestling Barry Horowitz. I better type fast, this may not last long.

Doink nearly fucks up a leapfrog right off the bat. Either that, or "Teabagging a Jew" was on his bucket list.

I'm getting angry DM's about the phrase "Teabagging a Jew", aren't I?

In case you're wondering, I haven't stopped the Crowd Sign Recapping gimmick. This crowd is just seriously understocked with anything worth reading.

Doink is feuding with Jerry Lawler, because Jerry broke Dink's tricycle. I'm just reporting what Vince screamed at me, folks.

Doink beats Barry with The Whoopee Cushion, a top-rope buttdrop. Shocking, I know.


aka, The Bozosack

Rating: 1 Honked Red Nose.

Paul Bearer and The Undertaker cut a promo on Yokozuna. Those two always had the biggest disparity of vocal pitch in the WWF.

Time for the Kings Court, with Jerry running down Doink at length. While being heckled by Randy the whole time. Yokozuna comes out to be interviewed, along with Mr Fuji (Who has a sweet gig, getting paid for standing there with a flag every night) and of course, the man who could read this review faster than I could type it, Jim Cornette. Jimmy starts talking and the universe has to suddenly speed up just to keep pace with him. It's a fact, when Jimmy cuts a promo, he's the reason your holidays seems to FLY by.

There's a casket match in the future, allowing Jim and Jerry to play The Knights Who Say "Ni" with a casket-fearing Yokozuna. Someone fetch him a shrubbery!


"say 'casket" one more time, motherfucker!"

Also, Yoko is the first person I've seen to start sweating like a pig during an interview segment. One in which he doesn't even have to say anything.

Next week: Lex Luger vs Bam Bam Bigelow!

Ladies tag-team action next! After a promo for the debuting WWF ACTION ZONE! The promo once again is petty as gently caress, spoofing other sports talk shows. Keep it classy, Vince!


*sigh*

Vince keeps referencing current events to point how very LIVE they are. Congrats on the wedding, Whoopi Goldberg! I hope you'll both be very h... oh, divorced in less than a year, huh?

Hope you got to keep the ring, then.

Heidi-Lee gets some nice technical offense, even getting to take down Bill Nakano with a headscissors or two. She's actually pretty good, so I wonder what happened to her? (To Google!)

Okay, so she wrestled since 1977, was in the WWF in the 80's and 90's from time to time, then retired to have kids.

Then un-retired in 1997 and broke her back in the ring during her first match back. drat. Her family now runs a wrestling school.


Before Sadako dies, she sees Bull Nakano

Alundra tags in. Randy thinks it's something called a "con-frannnn-tay-tioon!". The match is fun, stupidly fast-paced and ends with Alundra beating Luna with a pretty German suplex. Sadly, somewhere in the USA, a man called Vince Russo was already making plans to set back women's wrestling by about forty years or so.

King Kong Bundy will be here next week! Hope he brings that god-awful green-screen with him.


Grrr. Argh.

Main Event (?)-Bob Backlund vs Gary Scott, who looks like he's been pre-shrunk before the match.

Randy tries to use Bob Backlund-level big words. This results in a plethora of mutilated syllables. It’s joyous.

Gary rides Bob like a pack pony in a disturbing moment. Crossface chickenwing ends the match for Bob.


Yee-haa!

Yes, that's seriously the only two things that I felt worth recapping in this match.

Rating: 0.25 Crazy Old Men

Bob takes a lap of honour and runs away. Nurse, he's out of his restraints again!

Post-match, Vince interviews Brett Hart for a few minutes and we're done. But we FINALLY get a sign worth mentioning.

In fact, it's worth screen-capping.



Final thoughts: Moderately entertaining! Mainly due to the ladies, Randy and Jim Cornette, but I'll take what I can get.

Xerzes
May 16, 2012


Action Zone existed to re-air on cable the matches from the syndicated Wrestling Challenge, as I recall, as well as following the usual WWF formula of b-shows, having a storyline or two within its first few months, then being utterly forgotten by the big names of Raw and Superstars.

And I still remember and love that vignette of King Kong Bundy knocking over big cardboard buildings.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Following wrestling in the mid-to-late 90's in New Zealand was bloody hard. All of the weekly shows were taken off the air, but the pay-per-views came out on VHS. (Along with the Coliseum Home Video releases, of course)

This meant trying to "do a Rarity" by having to work out the storylines only from recap packages.

Just a note that I 've hosed up something in my ribs, so I can phone post, but not sit at my computer right now. I've got two reviews ready and two in progress, but there might be a delay in posting them.

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Xerzes posted:

Action Zone existed to re-air on cable the matches from the syndicated Wrestling Challenge, as I recall, as well as following the usual WWF formula of b-shows, having a storyline or two within its first few months, then being utterly forgotten by the big names of Raw and Superstars.

And I still remember and love that vignette of King Kong Bundy knocking over big cardboard buildings.

There's one really great match from the Action Zone period: HBK and Diesel vs Razor Ramon and 1-2-3 Kid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dud9ty6TUdE

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

WWF Saturday Night's Main Event, April 28th, 1991

Right, let's stick with the WWF, and drop back a couple of years to mid-1991. This card is from the Saturday Night's Main Event series, which we never got in Kiwiland.

Vince and Macho are on the sticks, with Macho rocking a bright red Macho Pimp hat and a black-and-white ensemble that appears to have been the target of an IED. Twenty man battle Royale tonight. The Nasty Boys, The Ultimate Warrior and The Bushwackers are promised. Well, two out of three ain't bad. You'll have to guess which one I don't like, but they rhyme with "Bobbs" and "Hags".


"Is it breezy in here, Vince?"

We start of with an interview with Iraqi-sympathiser Sgt Slaughter, who launches into his usual gargling-with-gravel promo. He drops his "The Ultimate Puke" line a couple of times. I think anyone who has drunk Jagerbombs and red wine in the same evening knows what that's like.

I pause to type notes, then look up to see Sarge's chin being thrust at the camera. If this was in 3-D, it'd look like and aerial picture of the Rock of Gibraltar. Dude must use three Bic disposables on every shave.


If you stare too long into the chin...

Over to Mean Gene and The Ultimate Warrior. The Warrior has been sealed in a coffin by the Undertaker a few weeks prior, so Gene wants to know how it affected him. The Warrior responds with a tirade of abject gibberish. So, no affect at all then? Sounds perfectly normal to me.


*assorted animal noises*

To the ring!

First up: Sgt Slaughter vs The Ultimate Warrior

Sarge is in the ring already, so we get to see The Warrior taking his usual half-mile 80mph run to the ring. Sarge promptly climbs a turnbuckle and gets slammed to the mat to start things off. Helpful chap! He's bumping all over the ring, reacting like the Warrior is packing an invisible sledgehammer with every punch. But a good old-fashion Greco-Roman thumb in the eye turns the tide.

Outside, Colonel Iron Mustapha Sheik helps out a little. The Warriors selling now looks like Joe Cocker taught him dance moves. ("What, would you do?/When you wrest-le a Puke?") Bearhug and the Warrior is... uh, Warrior-ing up? Not for long though. I'm scanning the crowd for signs, but nada. Must have been an Attitude Era thing. An rear end-load of kids (and more than a few adults who should know better) wearing Hulk Hogan bandanas, though. They look like a nerdy street gang. One that refuses to put any other gangs over, naturally.

More bearhuggery as Paul Bearer appears in the aisle, bringing a custom Warrior-themed casket. Randy is deep in heel mode, so he goes berserk at what great tactics this is. It's the Warrior, hope that casket is full of some Kryptonite-laced facepaint, which is his only known weakness. We go to commercial.

We get back as Warrior starts the Rope-Shaking, Horsey-Gallop of POWER! He drops Sarge with the shoulderblock as Paul opens the casket. Did you guess Taker was inside? I did. Takers expression is hilariously pouty at first, before getting a little more Dead Man-y. The heels swarm the ring and beat down the Warrior for a DQ finish.

Rating: 1.75 Flailing Arm Tassels.

Hulk Hogan makes the save, clearing out Sarge's troops, then biffs 'Taker with his belt. Taker is all like "gently caress that, dude", so Hulk just ditches the Warrior and chases off Sgt instead. What an rear end in a top hat.


Hulk just saw what's about to happen to his main-event status

Warrior avoids some elbows and uses his usual moves on 'Taker, who no-sells like a loving boss. Even the shoulderblock only makes him roll over the top rope and land on his feet. Even this early in his WWF career, Mr Calloway was still loving amazing to watch. Some officials, including Pat Patterson shows up in the ring to break things up. Pat's wearing a fantastic gold waistcoat. Looking sharp, Mr Patterson!

To Mean Gene and The Nasty Boys. They scream about the Bushwackers, and HOLY poo poo is Sags sweaty as gently caress. He looks like he's been glazed.


Imagine your daughter bringing THAT home...

Quick cut to Roddy Piper with the Bushwackers. Much shouting ensues. A mean a LOT of shouting. The only phrase I hear clearly is "Another shrimp on the barbie!" Which no Kiwi has said, EVER. (That came from an advert in Australia if I'm correct. Or a Norwegian Warchant.)_

To the ring. The Nasty's are in the ring, so send out The Marching Morons. They seem massively over witht he crowd, although the crowd noise is REALLY obviously dubbed in afterwards. Match gets underway, and as you can guess, it's not a technical classic. poo poo breaks down early, and it's more marching around. Gotta give the fans what they want, I suppose. March, punch, punch, match, weird arm gesture, crowd pops. The first pinfall makes Vince go insane, and a couple of battering rams clear the ring again. (Vince: "COVER 'EM!! COVER 'EM!!!! Me: "Annnnd, I'm deaf. Thanks, Vince.")

Nastys distract the ref and start beating on Luke. Warm-ish tag (man, these matches feel short as poo poo these days) to Butch, and the match devolves into double-teaming on both side. Ref Joey Morella has to do the "Hey Sags, Get Over Here You Idiot" pinfall count. You know the one that goes 1...2................................oh, there you are, thanks for breaking up the pinfall at last.

The Nastys win by a rollup with Sags boot up Knobbs rear end the help hold him down.


I love five-star technical classics

Rating 1.75 shrimps on the barbie.

Mean Gene interviews 'Taker and Paul. Man, new HD televisions make Paul's white makeup look like he's proofing dough on his face. 'Taker has one line, and of course, kills it.

Battle Royal time-We get back from the break to see Mr Perfect arrive. In the ring so far, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Barbarian and two other guys that don't warrant Vince mentioning them . As The Big Bossman enters, we go backstage to Mean Gene and The Earthquake. Recap of him squidging Damien. PETA must love this episode. 'Quake jumps up and down, and the cameraman actually simulates an earthquake as he does. Well, way to give the kids watching unrealistic expectations of their obese relatives. ("C'mon, Uncle Dan! That's barely a 2.5!")

Macho interview Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake intro's his replacement snake, Lucifer and promises Slithery Retribuution for 'Quake.

Back to the ring, as Jake enters. Right, let's start the battleoh poo poo, it's a Hogan interview.

I'll recap his promo: BrotherbrotherbrotherbrothergunningforyouSlaughter.

Hogan's the last guy to enter, instantly attacking people before the bell has even gone. Dick move, Terry! The usual chaos breaks out, and right off the bat I spot Mr Perfect on the outside, clinging to a ringpost like a limpet. Well, that's one strategy, I suppose.

Who else is on this? I see The Rockers (High-pitched screaming), Kerry von Texas Tornadorich, Tugboat, Haku, the Bulldog. There two guys I don't recognise from behind, which I think are the Orient Express. Is that Snuka in there as well?

Paul Roma is first out, taking Marty Janetty with him. That seems appropriate. Mr Perfect starts his usual battle royal shtick of overselling every punch and nearly flying out of the ring every nine seconds. Kerry traps him in a corner and they take turns pummelling each other. Then Hulk and Tugboat play "Pass the Henning With Elbow Shots", until Curt cartwheels over the top and back in through the middle rope. The dude was an MVP in every Battle Royal and Rumble he entered.


Curt Henning being Curt Henning

The Bulldog gets dumped by the Warlord, followed by Snuka and Tanaka. And abruptly, Jake gets eliminated by Earthquake. He of course releases Lucifer into the ring to scare nine colours of poo poo out everyone. As you do.

Back from a break, and Hogan suddenly has issues with Tugboat, leading to an eye-rake-off. For being Mr Babyface Goldenboy, Hogan sure LOVED the eyerake. Dick. He dumps the Warlord, as Kerry von Tornado goes out too. Earthquake tosses Duggan, then get thrown out by Hogan. Eventually, as his mammoth arms gets tied in the ropes on the way over. Hogan helpfully kicks the ropes to get him out. Thanks, I guess.

Hulk gets rid of Kato, only for Tugboat to throw him out. Shaun Michaels give Tugboat a lovetap on the back, so Tugboat flings himself out as well. Hercules launches himself out between the two at about 90mph. Nice commitment, dude! Mr Perfect dropkicks out Bossman, Shaun does the same to Haku and we've got our final four.

Its Mr Perfect, The Barbarian, Shaun Michaels and The Barbarian. Not sure I saw that coming. Shaun and Curt have a nice little mini-match until Curt gets rid of Michaels. Somewhere in the back, Janetty was probably seeing the writing starting to appear on the wall. Oh well, he still got to dress like a mobile cactus and do ALL the drugs.

Curt accidently dropkicks out The Barbarian. and it's Mr Perfect vs Greg "The Hammer". Curt cranks the oversellng to 11. Thousand. An atomic drop nearly sends him into near-earth orbit.


I'm barely even exaggerating

The end is absolutely beautiful, as they both go over the top rope, only for Curt to somehow reverse direction in mid-air and end up back in the ring. Even if there was sneaky foot on the floor (or Gregs rear end) it was so smooth as to be unnoticeable at first. Holy gently caress, the guy was good.

Rating: Three wads of spit-out gum just for the finish. The rest was just a battle royal, of course.

Roddy Piper joins the commentary team for the next match, Brett Hart vs. "The Million Dollar Man", Ted DiBiase. (W/Sherri, with some thick gold eye-makeup that turns her into Liberace Pennywise and a hairstyle that defies gravity. And taste.)

I'm also guessing that between Teds' Million Dollar Belt and the fact his entire suit is glittery, there was a hell of a lot of confused moths in the arena.

Once the match starts, I realise I'm stuffed for anything bad enough to make jokes about. It's Bret vs Dibiase, for goodness sake, two excellent technical wrestlers, and their styles are meshing together beautifully in this one. Throw in Sherri, who takes a MAN-sized bump off the apron mere minutes into the match, and we're already watching the best match since I started recapping these things.

Sherri keeps helping Ted out from the floor, throwing shots at Brett and choking him with her jacket. Close down Tinder, we've found the ideal woman!

Brett hits the usual series of moves, and the vocal sweetening is now making the crowd sound like the Silverdome and MSG combined. Roddy "abandons the broadcast booth" and heads to ringside. (No, honestly, I'm sure that's EXACTLY what happened in this pre-taped show)

Roddy finds a broom under the ring and spanks Sherri with it, then rides at around like a witch to chase her off. It's as hilarious as it sounds.


*lightsaberpenis noise*

Ted and Brett end up brawling in the aisle for a cheap DQ.

Ratings: 3.25 Terrifying haircuts.

And we come back from break for our final match, Tito Santana vs The Mountie. This seems less... Main Event-y than the last match. The crowd noise has been turned to "Superbowl", almost drowning out Vince and Randy. The crowd does seem pretty hot, probably because, like me back in '91, they really, REALLY wanted to see the Mountie get beaten. Repeatedly. With sticks.

He was a good heel.

Flying forearm takes out The Mountie, before Jimmy Hart makes the worst run-in possible, tripping and falling into the ring. Tito KO's him with a Flying Forearm, then gets tasered back across the border by The Mountie. The crowd noise turns to massive boos. The crowd shot doesn't QUITE back that up, unless they invited a ventriloquists convention along today.


Jimmy took lessons in selling from Mr Pefect, it seems

Mountie wins.

Rating: 1.75 Royal Canadian Mounted Assholes.

Duelling Sgt Slaughter/Hulk Hogan interviews close out the show. Pretty sure both cameramen needed to wipe a litre of spit off their lenses afterwards. Vince complements Randy's pimp-hat, and we're done.

Final Thought: Pretty decent show, to be honest. Guess I need to duck over to 1991 WCW for the hilariously tragic shows I was looking for.

thefncrow
Mar 14, 2001


quote:

(The Network overdubs whatever his WCW theme was with "Break the Walls Down". Just pay for the rights, you cheap bastards!)

Hilariously, they still might want to overdub that theme. His WCW theme at the time was a blatant ripoff of Pearl Jam's Evenflow. Even if they could easily get the rights to that bit of music, I bet the WWE lawyers would still be iffy about having it on the VODs in case Pearl Jam finally decided to do anything.

This was an era where a bunch of WCW's entrance themes were re-recorded rip-offs of popular music. There was a lot of this going on. DDP, Saturn, Raven, Rick Steiner, Jericho, and probably at least 5 others had themes that were soundalikes.

thefncrow fucked around with this message at Jan 6, 2018 around 20:49

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


thefncrow posted:

Hilariously, they still might want to overdub that theme. His WCW theme at the time was a blatant ripoff of Pearl Jam's Evenflow. Even if they could easily get the rights to that bit of music, I bet the WWE lawyers would still be iffy about having it on the VODs in case Pearl Jam finally decided to do anything.

This was an era where a bunch of WCW's entrance themes were re-recorded rip-offs of popular music. There was a lot of this going on. DDP, Saturn, Raven, Rick Steiner, Jericho, and probably at least 5 others had themes that were soundalikes.

The PJ ripoff is part of the Turner Library, it's called "Basketball Highlights #11" . I don't imagine it'd be PJ's lawyers but Turner's, unless they no longer own the rights

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

El Gallinero Gros posted:

The PJ ripoff is part of the Turner Library, it's called "Basketball Highlights #11" .
And now I wsnt Jericho to be repackaged as a basketball-themed version of The Goon.

Maxwell Lord
Dec 12, 2008

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.




Grimey Drawer

DDP's theme is literally Smells Like Teen Spirit. It's insanely blatant.

And late in WCW's run they repackage Prince Iaukea as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (get it), and his theme is so close to Purple Rain it's a miracle they weren't sued.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Maxwell Lord posted:

DDP's theme is literally Smells Like Teen Spirit. It's insanely blatant.

And late in WCW's run they repackage Prince Iaukea as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (get it), and his theme is so close to Purple Rain it's a miracle they weren't sued.

Maxwell Lord posted:

And late in WCW's run they repackage Prince Iaukea as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (get it), and his theme is so close to Purple Rain it's a miracle they weren't sued.
That would have required someone to still be watching it....

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Okay, let's continue this shitshow of reviews as we dive into WCW in the Year 2000. One which I recall as being... well, a runaway train of dumpster fires tied to the back of the USS Vince Russo on it's maiden voyage to the heart of the sun.

But maybe it wasn't that bad?

WCW Nitro, September 26th, 2000

We're in New York and we cold open with a recap of... oh gently caress, Vince Russo on the microphone with triumphant music. He's challenging Booker T for the Championship tonight. In "Caged Heat", though sadly not the women-in-prison flick.

Can we tie two extra flaming dumpsters to the train, please?


Here's where I remind myself I'm doing this for fun

Vince gets a limo entrance, and was probably sporting a three-foot boner as he did it. We go to those weird-rear end late WCW titles, where things are going in reverse, Goldberg is making demonic noises and for some reason, Kevin Nash's eyes flicker like a bad 80's sci-fi villain.

But hey, at least there's going to be signs to readOH gently caress, Mark loving Madden is on commentary. I think I blocked him from my memory.

Anyway, straight into our first match, with Big Vito facing Johnny the Bull. In a...

I can't believe I'm typing this, but here goes...

...An "I Quit Stickball Bat vs Kendo Stick Match".

I may have peaked early today.

Johnny manages to wrestle with his hat still on for a few minutes, which may be the most impressive thing in this contest.


Shame about the match

Sign: "Punk" *downwards arrow-gently caress off, C.M, we're not chanting for you yet.

Madden lets us get 7 minutes into the show before mentioning Major Gunns. Quite restrained for Madden. The match has had fifty kendo stick shots and a knee lift. Can I quit and end the match? My attention wanders and I note the upper deck of this arena seems fairly empty. And that's on the hard camera side, so I hate to think how many empty seats there are all told.

800 kendo stick shots and four minutes in, Reno (whoever the gently caress he was) runs in with a *sigh* kendo stick and attacks Vito. Vito's wife makes the save by running in to quit for Vito.


Reno, member of the "Natura Born Bilners", apparently

Rating: 842 kendo sticks multiplied by how many fucks I gave. 842 x zero is zero, right?

Backstage, Vince gets a verbal blowjob from Jeremy Borash. This is going to be long 90 minutes.

To the announce table, where Madden talks up Russo. (His accent makes it sound like he mentions "Babe Ruths cum-shot" in his diatribe, although I may have misheard that) To add to my misery, we get some footage of David Flair looking for the father of Stacey Keibler's baby. (There was a failed wedding between them a few weeks ago, apparently. Can't wait until I recap that.) Hilariously, Flair is have to act like a homicidal badass. Man, this is DAVID FLAIR we're talking about! It's like a terrible 90210 audition.


David Flair vs The Kids in the Hall-NEXT on TNT!

Up next, Jeff Jarrett heads out to ringside, before Captain Steroids-and-Chainmail, Scott Steiner joins him, (With his valet… uh… "Mijadeja" Your spelling may vary, I suspect) Jeff gets on the stick.

"Slapnuts" count: 1!

Then a "slapasses", so points for varying it up, Double J.

Scott also gets a chance to talk, so students of the English language may wish to cover their ears for a few seconds. He addresses some local football-type sports guy. Not sure of his real name, because in Steiner-ese it was pronounced "Joe Blauwagaowa". He shouts something about Goldberg, inventing three new vowels in the process. I think I understand Danish yodelling more than a Scott Steiner promo.


with his valet, Botox Girl!

Sign: "Sir Pumpalot"-Well, that's my new porn star name dialled in.

Russo and Borash head on out. I will freely admit I no longer have clue loving one who Jeremy Borash is, or was. Russo talks, and I can actually HEAR Jim Cornette screaming incoherently in the background. Russo's voice is the aural equivalent of a dental drill at the best of times, and when he's written a show where poeaople kiss his rear end for an hour it propels him to new heights of punchability.

Sting and Booker interrupt on the Nitro-Tron, and Goldberg makes his inevitably shocking return. And we go to commercial in the middle of a sentence, Not sure if that was some high-grade WCW editing, or the Network trimmed something out.

We return to the locker room, and there's two dudes I honestly can't place. It's Kronik, who have changed hairstyles since I last saw them, but are still bland as gently caress. A third guy enters to tell them they're out of a tag team Battle Royal, and I blank on him, too. You made one hell of an impression on me, mid-2000's WCW.


Hey it's that guy and he's getting beaten up by both... those other guys

No worries though, Bryan Adams has a plan. A cunning one, I hope.

Thankfully Tony fills me in that the messenger was Mike Sanders. Nope, still got nothing.

Tag Team Battle Royal for the vacated (Yep, there's a word I'm going to type a lot in WCW) tag team titles. Tony explains the situation, and it makes my head hurt so much I go for a Single Malt before continuing.

To sum up:

-The Filthy Animals (Rey, Juvy and Konnaan) had the titles until Disco Inferno put them up in a singles match. (What?)
-Disco lost the match, meaning the titles were vacated. (Sorry?)
-The Animals come out still holding the belts (Please explain?)
-They're in the Battle Royal with everyone else. (Whiskywhiskywhisky)

Also, Rey (unmasked WCW version) is wearing black leather fishing waders, has his hair in devil horns and is sucking an enormous lollypop. What. The. gently caress? Meanwhile, Juvy looks like he killed a Zebra and made pants out if it.


No. Just no

Sign: "Go back to Blossom, O'Haire!"-Sick burn, dude!

The fists and boots start flying, with one of the Jung Dragons going out quickly. The Harris Brothers are in this, reminding me of so MANY boring, boring matches. "Sugar" Shane Helms goes out a minute or two later, right through a table that's at ringside for no readily apparent reason. Way to build the drama. Konaan's on guest commentary, spending the whole time making masturbation jokes about the other teams. Classy.

And here come Kronik, ready to execute their master plan that Bryan Adams was formulating backstage.

They get in the ring and start hitting people.

gently caress me dead, WCW, how could you be THIS much worse than I remember?

Kronik eliminate the Harris Brothers (thank you!), Jamie-San (Remember when Jamie Noble turned Japanese for a while there?) and the rest of Three-Count. Adams tries to gorilla-press Chavo, and for three VERY scary seconds, nearly drops him about fifteen times. He finally tosses him safely out, as eight guys rush the ring and mace Kronik. Madden: "FACE FULLA MACE!! FACE FULLA MACE!" *sigh*

We're down to the Animals and Jindrak & O'Haire. Because this overbooked-to-hell-and-back shitshow needs more nonsense, Disco Inferno runs in and accidently bops Juvy with his Disco Duck. Yes, that's the level of writing we're at, folks. A literal Disco loving Duck. Juvy's out, so the WCW timekeeper rings the bell to end the match.

Rey's still in it , of course, because by this point, even the timekeeper couldn't properly do the ONE loving job he had.

He gets beaten down and tossed to hand the titles to Jindrak and O'Haire.

Rating: That match shouldn't be rated, it should be classified and locked away from the public.

Coming up soon, a bikini contest. Because apparently I'm stuck in WCW Tits and rear end Groundhog Day. Gene is backstage with Howards Stern's "Quack Pack". (A collection of dwarves, rednecks and a guy whose talent is a high-pitched voice.) This is truly horrible. Doubly so as Nash and company get to wander in and make off-colour jokes. I;m now a third of the way through this shitastrophe. Surely it can't get worse?


Yes, that's foreshadowing

gently caress ME. It's the Insane Clown Posse. With trash cans, kendo sticks and worse, live mics.

I know, I know, they're cool now because they hate Trump. They still had ZERO business wrestling on my TV.

They calling out Mike Awesome, who caused Vampiro to have "a fractured spleen, or something". Oh gently caress, I remember this one.

Yep, there's Mike "That 70's Guy" Awesome's Brady Bunch bus. Mike pops out of the bus with a fire extinguisher and hits... I'll admit, I don't know which is which so we'll say Clowny Too Fat with the lightest gutshot possible. Clowny So Ginger doesn't hold back, of course, just smashing poo poo on Mike's head with scant regard for the poor dude's brain. A table gets set up and Mike gets dragged to the hood of the bus. (Hey, the match is nearly 45 seconds old, let's get a move on here!)

Violent Can't-Sell takes a table bump, literally cartwheeling himself through the wood with one punch. I'm starting to wish this was a Master P segment. To the top of the bus for the spot I still, recall VERY clearly. (Unlike, say, Mike Sanders)

Mike gives Shaggy Bad-Call an Awesomebomb on top of the bus, whereupon Shaggy slides slickly over the edge. (With Mike breaking character and desperately clutching at his boot to slow Shaggys descent, probably saving him from a serious injury in the process)


C'mon, everybody, get concussed!

He climbs down and covers to end things.

Rating: 0.25 Dazed Clowns

The Cat is on his way to the ring. Hope his momma's been notified. Meanwhile, David Flair drives and shouts a lot. Then invades a Chuck E Cheese and ends up attacking the ballpit. This spot has some of the worst acting I've ever seen.

And I've watched more than one Andy Milligan film.


David looks for what's left of his career

Sign: "Ralphus is the Father"-Dun dun DUHHHHHH!

The Cat makes it to the ring, with "Miss Jones". They cut the mizzle so the Cat can tell Mark Madden he "hates your fat rear end!". That felt like an improv.


Especially to this guy

Ernest is going to fight anyone that runs in for Russo tonight. I suspect a record-breaking number of run-ins may now occur. Mike Sanders heads out with a baseball bat to confront The Cat.

The crowd chants "rear end in a top hat" at him. Well, any reaction is a good one, I guess. He gets a beatdown by The Cat. Nash arrives with The Natural Born Thrillas who dogpile The Cat and dance the Mashed Potatoes on his chest.

Simultaneous Sign Action: "Bring Back Scott Hall" and "Where is El Dandy?"-You're both dreaming, I'm afraid.

I'm ignoring all the cutaways to Miss Nitro contestants, by the way. Just imagine Mark Madden screaming something sexist every five minutes or so.

Back from break, it's time for the bikini contest. This goes on for WEEKS, as I fast-forward. (I have the internet, I can look at tits any time I want)


Shot in RUSSO-Vision!

I stop suddenly as Hacksaw Jim Duggan arrives to cover up Major Gunns, and holy poo poo, he's turned heel. CANADIAN HEEL!

What the gently caress were they thinking? They decided to make Jim a heel and the best they could come up with was a maple-leaf jacket? The "contest" degenerates into a catfight with S & M overtones as Maddens Sexist Fuckometer goes critical. It ends with the mother of all edits as we snap to the back to give Scott Steiner more mic time. Thankfully, Goldberg shows up and stops him talking by throwing him into some packing crates.

WCW Crash TV at its finest, folks. I'm liable to get a seizure trying to watch this horseshit.

Another break, and oh joy, it's Disco Inferno time! He spouts duck-related nonsense and tries to intro his new partner. Scott Steiner shows up, beats him and yells a string of vaguely-English-sounding utterances. Goldberg responds and challenges him to an impromptu cage match, with no ref, because Russo, that's loving why. They brawl on the floor and around the commentators table. (Madden "This is brutal! This is inhuman!". What, your commentary?)


"That's a goose!"-My kid.

Inside the cage, and it's a No-Sell-a-Thon. Steiner gets to rock a black Phantom of the Opera mask, which somehow makes him look LESS insane than usual. Madjedjiaridoo runs in to the cage to give Scott a weapon. Y'know, not locking the cage kinda defeats the whole point of a cage match, yeah? Scott tries to leave, only to find NFL-er Jumbo Elliot (wow, I wasn't even close!) guarding the door. Goldberg hits Scott with a pipe and just wanders out.


"The music of the *string of garbled vowel sounds*"

Rating: 0.5 baseball bats to the nuts (Which is what watching this show feels like)

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett guitar-shots a midget. That's NOT a masturbation euphemism. This show is like 4,000 segments long.

Who's up next? Oh good, General Hugh G. Rection. This just keeps getting better and better. An actual match breaks out, although by this stage of proceedings, can I even really give a drat? Then Team Canada runs in after three minutes. Was this entire written on amphetamines? The M.I.A run in to attack the Cnauckers. Then Sting runs in to attack everyone. So Lance Storm challenges him to a match. Can we make this one last more than four minutes and be good, PLEASE?

Back from a commercial and the match is in progress. Because why the gently caress not show only half of one of Lance Storms excellent matches? Who wants wrestling on a loving WRESTLING SHOW!!

(Breathe, Kiwi, breathe…).

Sign: "Bring Back the Brain"-Watching this, I'd sure he'd rather take unemployment than work there.


You got that right, caption

The match is actually quite good, but the idiot-level commentary does it's best to take away even this tiny moment of joy. Sting wins it with a Scorpion Death Drop after some nifty reversals.

Rating: 2.5 Overbooked Kerfuffles.


Then this happens. My brain hurts

More David Flair sehnanagins, as he FINALLY pulls up at the house he's been looking for through three badly-written and worse-acted skits. He storms up to the door and...

... we fade out. Was that a commercial? Is it over? At this point, I'll happily take a cliff-hanger ending.

We then fade up again. Inside the house. Now, as a wrestling fan, I've had to try to believe some incredible horsehockey over the last few decades. But why the HELL is there a cameraman inside some random dudes house? If it was a commercial, did David take two full minutes to walk up a three-foot pathway? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Anyhoo, David confronts the winner of the Worst Actor in Existence Award of the year 2000. He has three lines, which he repeats constantly. Each time, he repsonds to David with a MASSIVE pause, then delivers the line like he's learned it phonetically. Finally David is told (in the most robotic fashion imaginable) that he's come to the wrong house, and should be across the street.

SO WHY THE gently caress WAS A WCW CAMERAMAN IN THIS MANS HOME?


For your consideration, Best Supporting Actor, 2000

(Fifteen minutes left to watch. Fifteen minutes to go. We can do this.)

Next door, there's no-one home. Mr Roboto tells David the owners been away for weeks. And so the entire night has been an exercise in pointless frustration for Flair.

Now he knows how I feel!

Pointless aside: Back in the late 90's when people still had "e-feds", I wrote recaps of 14-year-olds pretend wrestling cards in the style of Scott Keith. This show was written by professional WCW writers, and its STILL less coherent than some of the cards I read.

Thirteen minutes left, Mean Gene interviews Vince Russo (because God hates me) who's now in full football gear, complete with helmet. Somebody sack the bastard, please! Russo enters, holding his crotch like he's afraid his dick is about to fly off. To commercial!

Two weeks from now, Nitro goes to Australia! Juvy, it's your time to shine! Have fun, buddy!

Booker makes it to the cage. There's nine minutes left in the show. Half the locker room earns their pay check buy turning up to watch from ringside as Vince takes a baseball bat to Booker. The Network starts to gently caress up on my feed, trying to save me from this "match", I suspect. A ladder comes out fifty-four seconds into the match.

Hey WCW, a writer is now manhandling your World Champ. Did anyone think this through?

Russo uses the ladder to pop open the roof of the cage. Quality workmanship there. Sting rappels out of the rafters to block him. It takes this idiocy to let Booker take over. Book 'em strong, Vince! You egotistical fuckwad.

I get a few moments of pleasure, as Booker gets a chance to kick Vince in the face a few times. Not ENOUGH times, but I'll take what I can get.

And then the run-in happens. Lex Luger shows up (4 minutes, 30 seconds in) and passes a lead pipe to Russo. Russo takes out the ref and beats on some EMTs.

One of whom is Ric Flair.

What's stronger than whisky?

Ric stomps on Russos 'nads and figure-fours him.


My favourite part of the show, naturally

This prompts the entire locker room to empty for a mass brawl in the aisle. Overbooked? Slightly. Axe-kick and spinarooni, sidekick in the face and Bookers about to walk out,. Then Goldberg shows up (sure why not?) and Scott Steiner tries a run-in. (gently caress it, let's have Dusty Rhodes, Pedro Morales and the ghost of Ed "Strangler" Lewis while we're about it)

The whole painful event FINALLY ends as Goldberg spears Russo through the cage wall to presumably hand him the title. Russo had paused to put his football helmet back on, which proves to be the smartest thing he ever does, as his head SMASHES into the guardrail on the way out. Pretty sure Jim Cornette now hates football helmets.

Booker and Goldberg high-five as the commentators yell at each other in confusion, and mercifully, this poo poo Sandwich with extra Craponaise ends.

Final Thoughts: This isn't a show. It's the most public crime against humanity of the new millennium. gently caress you, Vince Russo.

Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at Jan 8, 2018 around 10:01

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Distorted Kiwi posted:

What the gently caress were they thinking?

Bryan Alvarez literally wrote a book about this company's self-destruction and he still doesn't know. Nobody knows

Distorted Kiwi posted:

SO WHY THE gently caress WAS A WCW CAMERAMAN IN THIS MANS HOME?

Oh I can actually answer this one. Though it was never actually brought up on television, when Turner purchased WCW he took,"Put WCW in every house in America" literally and paid for a cameraman with a live NITRO feed to be inserted into every single home, business and moving vehicle in the United States of America. People said he was crazy, but when Ric Flair got kidnapped and dumped out into the countryside one Nitro it really paid off when a truck driver and his WCW cameraman happened to come along.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Borash was the guy who used to do WCW Live, their internet radio show. After WCW finished, he joined TNA and still works there. I think he's now the longest tenured guy there, or if not, there's only a handful of guys otherwise.

He was the guy who worked with the Hardys to do all the Broken stuff, and filmed most of the action with his drones.

Endless Mike
Aug 13, 2003

Get running
Start pumping your bunions, I'm coming
I'm the dumbest, who flamethrow your function to Funyons
Flame your crew quicker than Trump fucks his youngest
Now face the flame fuckers your fame and fate's done with


Distorted Kiwi posted:


Also, Rey (unmasked WCW version) is wearing black leather fishing waders, has his hair in devil horns and is sucking an enormous lollypop. What. The. gently caress? Meanwhile, Juvy looks like he killed a Zebra and made pants out if it.


No. Just no
Raver culture was a thing in this timeframe.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Considering mainstream culture was still vehemently homophobic at that point it's hilarious looking back and seeing people dressing gay as all hell in wrestling

seriously what the gently caress even is this

Takuan
May 6, 2007


Aesop Poprock posted:

Considering mainstream culture was still vehemently homophobic at that point it's hilarious looking back and seeing people dressing gay as all hell in wrestling

seriously what the gently caress even is this



This was one of my favorite things from the time period. Saturn lost a match with Jericho with a stipulation that the loser had to wear a dress for a month. For the first few weeks he wrestled in, I think like a sundress, then he cut a promo saying "Y'know what, I kinda like it." Then started wearing stuff like in that picture for a pretty good period of time.

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DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

I always had respect for ICP's willingness to murder themselves in order to make up for a lack of other talent. Kind of like self-aware Shane McMahons

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