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Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky


Aesop Poprock posted:

Considering mainstream culture was still vehemently homophobic at that point it's hilarious looking back and seeing people dressing gay as all hell in wrestling

seriously what the gently caress even is this



the end of the Clinton administration was a weird time for us all

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Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Have another Nitro review coming up from 1999, and the homophobia is STRONG in that one.

Next up though, we spend Halloween with the WWE.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Raw, Oct 31st, 1995



Another of the hour-long Raws today. This came out at Halloween, 1995, in the height of the Cartoon-y WWF. Let's just say my expectations are VERY high.

Sean Mooney introduces us with his best Bela Lugosi. Well, second-best Bela. Or his third-best Count von Count, perhaps. Tonight, Owen Hart gets a shot at Razon Ramon's IC title after winning a battle royal. Goldust debuts! And Shaun Michaels… dances on a building?

Oh wait, that was part of the opening titles, not some bonkers take on the Monster Truck match. As you were.

Vince and Jerry Lawler are our hosts. Jerry has dressed up as Dr Giggles (He does make an excellent stand-in for Larry Drake!) and Vince is wearing prison stripes. So I'm guess he's trick-or-treating as "What I'd Look Like if That Steroid Trial Went the Other Way". Jerry even makes a snide comment that Vince "brought the costume a year ago, but just got the chance to wear it!".


Vince has just been informed of Lawler's proctology degree

First up, it's Savio Vega vs Goldust.

We get a quick look at the Spanish announcers, Hugo Satan and Carlos Dracula. Nice to see everyone got into Corporate Forced Fun Day.


Still not as scary as the guy in the stripes, though

Mere minutes in, and the amount of Halloween-related puns are already beginning to drive me batty.

I'll get my coat.

Goldust is of course in the "Spirit of Hollywood" persona he first used, leading to plenty of movie-related asides about Michael Myers and Goldfinger. Jerry tries to get Vince to say the first name of Ms Galore from the latter movie, but Vince sidesteps it to avoid annoying the censors. Oh well, only a few years to the Attitude Era, when you could suggest a valet called "Titty McHotsnatch" and probably get Vince's approval and a huge bonus.

He's also wearing the first-generation Goldust costume, which is just a full-body covering of yellow spandex. He might just as well have painted a huge arrow on himself and wear a sign saying "Check out my Dick!".


"Stop laughing at my junk!"

A crowd shot shows four people already cosplaying AS Goldust, which feels oddly meta.


Savio suddenly wishes he kept the Kwang mask

The match itself can be described as "Every Goldust matchup ever", perhaps only missing the "drop-down-to-punch-in-the-face" or the nipple-molesting mannerisms. Savio gets a brief flurry of offense near the end, but Goldust wins with the Complete Lack of a Finishing Move.

Yes, he just lets Savio miss a spinning heel kick, then puts a slightly convoluted pinning combination on him.

Rating: 1.5 vague movie references. Nothing spectacular now, but sure would have made an impression back in '95.

Post-match we go to Doctor Michael Hendrix, PS, who's painted himself like a Jack O'Latern. He runs down the rules for the upcoming Brett Hart/Diesel match at Survivor Series with such frantic enthusiasm, I suspect some of his prop pumpkins are full of cocaine.


Michael "WTF" Hayes

A break to let the Ugly-Duckling-turned-Beautiful-Wrestling Swan, Barry Horowitz and Hakushi advertise Milton Bradley's Karate Fighters, and after 20 years I finally know what they look like!


I'm not sure why they're advertised by Demon Kid, though...

I can also tell by the noise the game makes when used that it would have been broken by your little brother before the birthday cake had been cut.


Is it wrong I want this to be a shot from an off-brand Iron Chef knock-off?

Match number two! In singles competition, it's Marty "Holy poo poo, My Shirt Exploded" Jannetty vs Jobby McJobberface.

Our pointless "thing that happened yesterday" look-how-live-we-are reference is Cigar winning the Breeders Cup. Jerry uses this a chance to imply that Alundra Blayze an ugly horse-faced woman. Real nice, Jerry.

Marty is wrestling Joe Dorgan, who has the phrase "Hot Bod" on the back of his tights. I suspect Roddy Piper was not impressed. Thanks to Goldust's special effects, the whole arena is now filled with smoke, so good luck seeing this match from anywhere except the first three rows.


Stephen King's "The Mist Opportunity"

Next week, Issac Yankem is in action! Yay?

Marty slaps on a headlock and the break in the "action" lets me notice that the fog is actually getting thicker. Maybe Marty's stash caught on fire in the locker room? Jerry takes the opportunity to tell a long joke about Helen Hart. Vince completely whiffs on the punch line and makes Jerry tell it again. Way to play straight man, Vince.

Marty wins with a top-rope fistdrop in about three minutes.

Rating: 0.25 of an ounce.


By the time Jim finished talking, it was Thankgiving

In the ring, Vince interviews Jim Cornette and the British Bulldog. Jim's opening statement is longer than Martys match, and he appears to all be in one breath. I swear that man respirates through his skin. He introduces his lawyer, Clarence Mason and then perfectly delivers a dilly of a tongue-twister on "reading the well-written writs he's written". They argue that the British Bulldog should be wrestling Brett Hart at Survivor Series. Jimmy, ever the huckster, also manages to plug one of the Survivor Series matches while disregarding the laws of punctuation AND respiration.


Whoa, Black Betty...

Oh, and the Bulldog does get to speak too. Until Janetty turns up to toss the Bulldog and beat up poor Jim Cornette. (Who sells a punch like a landmine went off next to him, of course)


PHYSICS!

Tag team time with The Smoking Gunns vs. A Couple of Jobbers

But first, a recap of The 1-2-3 Packid throwing a hissy fit after losing to the Gunns. Pretty sure this led to the horrible "Crybaby" match where Sean was dipered and powdered by Razon Ramon. (Who had the good sense to shrug at the camera like "Hey mang, I didn't write this poo poo!" while doing so)

Jobber number 1 is "Otis Apollo", who has the physique of an Otis and.. the word "Apollo" on his trunks. It's a living, I suppose. A mid-match promo from The 1-2-3 Waltman plays, and wow, he sounds BLAZED! It was early in his career, so he might just had needed more practise time on the stick, but I have NEVER heard such a monotonic speech in my life.

Jobber number 2 is now in, and his name isn't worth mentioning, it seems. He looks like the tubby lovechild of Jason Bateman and Val Kilmer, though. A Sidewinder puts away Otis in three minutes flat.


I honestly think the arena is actually on fire by now

Rating: 0.25 Soon-to-be-Bad Asses

Promotional consideration paid for: Oh, gently caress yes, WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game. God that was a wonderfully over-the-top piece of crap to play.


At Survivor Series, Team Constipation vs Team Couldn't Give a Toss

Main Event: Owen Hart vs Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship

But first, some guy shills plastic replicas of the WWF belts. Only US$24 including shipping! In 1995 dollars! While I'll admit I probably spent the same amount PLUS international shipping on a WWE belt for my son last year, these ones look like claw machine prizes.


But, hey! THREE free pictures of Diesel!

Razor and Owen get into it before the bell, with Owen taking a quick Scott Hall Airways flight to the floor. Some nice technical wrestling starts the match proper, with Razor working an armbar. This is of course the prefect time to shill the WWF Hotline, where you can get updates on Shawn Michaels medical condition for only $1.49/minute! (Spoiler: So long as he doesn't have to drop a belt to Shane Douglas, he's probably going to be fine)

Jim Cornette tries to get involved after a fallaway slam to Owen. Razor paintbrushes him, which causes Jimmy to fly off the apron like he was hit with a bazooka round. Yokozuna and Mr Fuji race to ringside at Yoko's top speed of "glacier" to assist.


Three days later...

Jimmy's selling is of course, hilarious. ("My eye! MY EYE! He hit me in my EYE!")


Oscar clip

Back from a break, Razor hammerlocks Owen, hefts him up in an atomic drop position, then just BRUTALLY slams him on his back and arm. Ouchie. Owen manages to toss Razor over the top and baseball slides him into the railing. Missile dropkick for two, and as usual, everything Owen is doing is so crisp it's ridiculous.

Vince is deep into his "1..2..3Hegothimnohedidn't!" phase of the match as Owen hits a Macho Man elbow for two, and we go to another break. Mooney plugs upcoming events, including one at the amusing (to me, anyway) venue.


Yeah, it's a cheap laugh. Sue me.

90's CGI abounds in this promo. It's aged... poorly.

We come back with both men down. Razor gets Owen up in a Razors Edge, then has to hold him up there for weeks as Yoko tries to get in to the ring to interfere.


"Any loving time, Yoko!"

Once Yoko manages to untangle himself from the ropes, Razor gets beaten down and has a giant leg dropped on his melon for the DQ. The 1-2-3 Kid tries to help out, Yoko lays him out and legdrops him right on the face.


At Thnaksgiving, Yoko always brings the squash

Ahmed Johnson then runs in as well, as this suddenly turns into a Nitro. He bodyslams Yoko without maiming him, which was always a bonus as far as Ahmed was concerned.

Davey-Boy Smith runs-in to confront Ahmed, and they're in a stare-down as Raw goes off air. I assume six or seven more run-ins were cut for time.

Rating: 2.25 tossed toothpicks.

Final Thoughts: Mostly jobber-squishing filler, but the main event was quite fun. And who would have thought Goldust would still be showing upon Raw a dozen years later?

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

a dozen years later, Goldust was in TNA

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT TO...RAZOR RAMON!

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


I couldn't make heads or tails of that Survivor Series match graphic so I looked up the card... So they deliberately put heels and faces, some of whom were feuding with each other, on both teams? Who the gently caress thought that was a good idea? (Also there's apparently a women's match on there that would probably have been great if it got time. It didn't.)

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Gaz-L posted:

I couldn't make heads or tails of that Survivor Series match graphic so I looked up the card... So they deliberately put heels and faces, some of whom were feuding with each other, on both teams? Who the gently caress thought that was a good idea? (Also there's apparently a women's match on there that would probably have been great if it got time. It didn't.)

Yeah, it was an idea to generate interest. They do it in Mexico a lot, as "Parejas Increibles".

I remember Ahmed Johnson promising that he had Shawn's back but if the other two hosed with him, he's show them the meaning of medieval, which was the first time I'd heard that word in that context.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

El Gallinero Gros posted:

Yeah, it was an idea to generate interest. They do it in Mexico a lot, as "Parejas Increibles".

I remember Ahmed Johnson promising that he had Shawn's back but if the other two hosed with him, he's show them the meaning of medieval, which was the first time I'd heard that word in that context.

Appropriate, as watching Ahmed wrestle was like a form of torture at times.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Next review should be up by the weekend, as I'm trying to be at least one or two shows ahead of myself.

And I decided to try and watch a rather infamous WCW Pay-Per-View.

From 1991.

It's kicking my rear end.

Send whisky.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Distorted Kiwi posted:

Next review should be up by the weekend, as I'm trying to be at least one or two shows ahead of myself.

And I decided to try and watch a rather infamous WCW Pay-Per-View.

From 1991.

It's kicking my rear end.

Send whisky.

*sends a copy of Uncensored 1996 instead*

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

exploded mummy posted:

*sends a copy of Uncensored 1996 instead*

I will end you.

(Also, I reviewed that Nitro you suggested. Although I'm not sure I got the right one, because of the way I read dates. Regardless, that's the next to be posted.)

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Had somehow clawed my way to the end of a horrible WCW pay-per-view, so next review will be up tonight or Sunday (NZ time)

Also found this while looking back at 2011 posts in the "Wrestling Questions" thread:

quote:

Granted, this was after the match, but on a Nitro we watched a couple weeks ago there was a cage match between Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit. After Benoit won, Shane Douglas, Asya, and Perry Saturn ran in to beat down Benoit. Then all four of the Filthy Animals ran in to beat them down. Then David Flair ran in with a crowbar and cleaned house. Then as the Filthy Animals were retreating up the ramp Sting ran in and beat them all up with a bat.

Then Nash was found unconscious back stage.

Then Kimberly ran over David Flair with her car in the parking garage

All of this happened over the course of 5 minutes.

Pretty sure I'll run into this show somewhere in the mid 2000's.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Nitro, August 3rd, 1999

Time to self-flagellate myself with another WCW Nitro, this one on request from fellow goon Exploding Mummy. Well, you never know, it could have been suggested becuase it's a great show!

I'm an eternal optimist, I know.

We slam straight into a cold open of Macho Man, Gorgeous George and... great, Dennis Rodman.

Thanks bundles, Exploding Mummy.

A bunch of rapid-fire stuff happens, including Nash tapping Hogan with the lightest chairshot of 1999, before we are LIVE from somewhere or other. Two weeks until Road Wild. So, let's have a second recap of Kevin Nash slamming people, Kevin Nash winning titles and just plain footage of Kevin Nash. At Road Wild, Nash vs Hogan for the title! Strange, I though Kevin Nash has STOPPED booking WCW by this point. Scott Hudson and Bobby Heenan are at the commentary table.

More recpappery, as Harlem Heat reunites on the previous Thursdays Thunder. Pretty sure Stevie-Ray was all over that booking decision.

First match, and it's the Tag Team Champions of Kanyon and Bam Bam Bigelow. Who enter BEHIND Diamond Dallas Page, which makes me think they're Freebirding at at first. Technically they are, as the three of them are "The Triad". With that name, I'm guessing a messy gangland-style assassination is imminent.

DDP wants to to see how stupid the fans are, asking Kanyon to "Hit it!" Kanyon TRIES to hit it, but the crack WCW production crew have forgotten to turn on his microphone. That's so WCW! *sad trumpet*


"WHO BETTER THAN OUR AUDIO TEAM?"

The Triad call out Harlem Heat, using the phrase "Fruit Bootys". In the cereal aisle now! DDP actually hits Chris Benoit with "Yo Mama" jokes, because apparently his script was written in 1978. He also tells Benoit that David Flair is a better U.S Champion than he ever was. Now THAT'S loving funny!

Harlem Heat come out, as I scan for signs. Yes, it's 1999, all right, judging by the amount of people taking the chance to call their friends gay on national TV.

Sign: "Gary Coleman 3:16"-He would whip your rear end, if he could reach it.

We're under way as the bell rings at about 190db. Holy poo poo, that could wake the dead! Didn't wake my cat, however. Lazy fucker.

The Heat kick Kanyon around for a while until he tags out to Bam Bam.

Sign: "I'm with stupid" (Arrow pointing downwards)-Well, you paid to go see a Nitro, can't argue with facts.

The heels outmuscle Stevie-Ray (well, Bam Bam does, anyway) until he makes a lukewarm tag. Kaynon manages to somehow gently caress up a whip and nearly gives himself whiplash on the top rope. Bam Bam tags and in and hits one of the stranger dropkicks I've seen, hitting Booker on both sides of his throat at once. For a split-second I thought Bam Bam had gone for a VERY optimistic attempt at a hurricanrana. Stevie tags back in and cleans house. Pier sixer, Kanyon eats the Sidekick, DDP tries to take out Booker with the belt, only to go flying thanks to Benoit. (Who was in street clothes, making me think a fan ran in!)

Booker pins Kaynon for the win.

Rating: 1.5 Fat Mommnas. (Not bad, just felt rushed)

Backstage, two guys eat lollypops and talk about the Cats pyjamas. I have NO idea who these two are.


What WAS it with Nitro and lollypops?

Nitro girls dance, fireworks go "whoosh" and we're live from Sioux Falls, North Dakota. Why DID Nitro always do the opening titles 20 minutes in? Never mind, Sting is here!

Crowd sign "S T N G"-Psst, Chad, wanna put down your beer and get with the program?

Sting needs a tag team partner, so cue the "GOLDBERG" chants. Sting will be back at 9pm for an answer. Cool, I'm going to go make a sandwich.


The man they call Stng, apparently

Up next, it's Ernest "The Cat" Miller, who's wrestling Buff Bagwell at Road Wild. Because Buff switched out his loaded Ruby Slippers with Bunny Slippers. I'm not making that up. Also, Buff apparently has been guilty of using blackface in a promo.

I repeat, blackface. In 1999.

Holy poo poo, WCW, I know you were in the based in one of the Southern states, but that's pretty much a dick move wherever you live.

The Cat calls it the two dudes from earlier, and it's Lenny and Lodi. Now what sort of gimmick were they... oh right, heels by way of being gay. *sigh* God, I hope this particular gimmick is dead and buried by now.

Lodi brings a sign: "Why can't we have Wham back?" -These are the jokes, folks.


Also this. Ho ho ho, my aching sides.

The Cat proceeds to commit a hate-crime on Lodi, before kicking the poo poo out of his glitter-wearing life-partner, too. Kick in the face ends it for Lodi.

Rating: 0.0005 Liberace references. Less said about this the better.

After the break, Mean Gene brings out WCW champion, "Hollywood" Hogan. Hogan talks about Nash as I count the homoerotic lines he drops. "We have a date in Sturges, Brah! We've been playing games in the locker room for too long!" He better watch out or The Cat will turn up to beat the poo poo out of him. Hulks wearing a necklace made of huge paperclips, which seems practical in case of some unexpected paperwork popping up.

Sign: Some kid just holds uo a sign with his ICQ number on it. Bet he didn't get a bunch of weirdos messaging him.

We recap Stings promo from 18 minutes ago. Scott and Bobby spin their wheels for a few more minutes until Sting shows up again. Because the "W" stands for "waffling", not "wrestling". Backstage, they gently caress up cueing Goldberg, making him stand around awkwardly for a few seconds before starting his walk to the arena. Sid and Rick Steiner ambush him, then drag Sting out to the ring when he tries to help out. Sting holds his own for a few seconds, then gets beat down.


Steiner 99'er: Underbiker on top, Andre down below

Goldberg meanwhile has managed to no-sell a snow-shovel shot and goes full Bill, kicking open a heavy door in a MUCH better-timed shot. He runs off the heels, and we recap the entire beatdown before a break.

Then recap it a THIRD time when they come back. I GET IT! Goldberg good, Sid bad, Sting cool, Rick not drunk tonight.

Evan Karagias is in our next match. My spellchecker is going to LOVE that name! He's up against Disco Inferno. Too early for a Disco Duck, but man, he's rocking those gold pants like a champ.


Shiny

Evan dropkicks Disco all over the ring, but gets atomic dropped and clotheslined as Scott and Bobby pretty much ignore everything that's happening in the ring. They recap the show so far, they plug the upcoming events, they talk about the new Nitro Grill in Vegas. (poo poo, WCW decided to lose money in a restaurant as well, huh?) Bobby makes a mild few one-liners. Man, he's sounding seriously unmotivated in WCW. They start to call the match, then suddenly start talking about the upcoming matches until Disco hits the Last Dance and wins.

Way to treat your young and talented wrestlers, WCW. And Disco.

Rating: No rating. If WCW didn't give a poo poo about the match, why should I?

Backstage, David Flair sits on a couch and looks bored. Hey, they makes two of us!

More Nitro Girls. Not enough to snap me out of the coma that David Flair put me in. The Sid promo comes closer.


What the Universe sees before it cries itself to sleep

Sign: "DDP Bangs Sheep"-Oooh, think there might be a libel case in your future, buddy!

Hugh Morrus & Jerry Flynn arrive with Jimmy Hart. Their opponents, Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas. I was briefly jolted awake, thinking that the first team had Jerry Lynn in it. Douglas and Malenko control the match, as is only good and right. It's another rushed match, as guys start selling like they've been in the ring an hour after mere minutes.


This match is pretty much only saved by Jimmy's jacket

Worse, every time Hugh and Shane are in together, Douglas can been seen literally YANKING Hugh into position for moves. This is Yo Mama Ugly. Flynn and Morrus beat up Malenko, who now appears to have been in an Ironamn match. It's been about five minutes. Hot (?) tag to Douglas, shenanigans and miscommunications occur. Pittsburgh Plunge by Douglas ends it.

Not a pretty sight.

Rating: 1.25 homophobic signs.

We now pause for a boring music video of Goldberg. And some more Nitro Girls. Were spinning the wheels tonight, baby!

Well, with an hour to go, I have to say, this is 90% less frustratingly awful as the 2000 Nitro that nearly killed me. But it's also not good, either. It's almost been too middle-of-the-road to keep my attention.

Oh well, send out Rick Steiner. Hopefully he'll gently caress up and maim someone in an amusing fashion.

He drags Scott Hudson into the ring and suplexes him for no readily apparant reason. Other than for the fact it's Scott Hudson. Did Scott have a hot date he needed to get to?


"Don't wait up, guys!"

Scott does a stretcher job as Eric Bischoff takes over on commentary. Not sure that's an upgrade, frankly.

Bobby Duncum, Jr of the West Texas Rednecks heads on out. Well, if "Rap is Crap" is the best part of this show, the last hour is going to DRAG. He's up against Perry Saturn. Who hasn't been forced to dress like a bald leather-clad hooker this week.

But first, Curt Henning arrives to berate the crowd and gross out my wife with by batting his gum at the fans. He cuts a promo on a country singer who's arriving next week. I will point out that no-one outside of South Dakota (well, maybe Texas too) gives a crap about this. Perry demolishes Duncum with a suplex and bitches out Henning. They get into a brawl in the ring, the bell rings a second time and apparently this is now a match. Not sure how that works, but gently caress it, let's go!

Three sluggish minutes of kicking and punching later, I'm in agreement woth a sign in the front row.

Sign: "Thank God for the Nitro Girls"

Death Valley Driver should finish it for Perry, until all the Rednecks swarm the ring and hogtie him.

Rating: 0.25 verses of Rap is Craaaaaaap. It's pretty sad to see Curt half-assing it in the ring.

Malenko and Douglas make the save.

Recap of David Flair wining the U.S title off Chris Benoit, because WCW existed in a parallel universe where that was possible.


Here's the proof that this happened. No idea WHY it happened, of course.

DDP vs Chris Benoit is next. Bischoff is hyping it as an instant classic. That remains to be seen, as WCW is sucking the life out of everything tonight.

They trade spit in the face before Benoit gets the crossface right off the bat. Too close to the ropes, of course. They start trading reversals, and to give them credit, they are actually trying to have a half-decent match,. DDP DRILLS Benoit with a spinning powerbomb and works the legs. He also drops an elbow DIRECTLY on Benoits nuts. Good aim, Dallas. Benoit returns the favour by crotching him on the top turnbuckle.

Benoit chops the heck out of DDP and gets a few 2-counts of Geman Suplexes. DDP mule-kicks him and hits a uranage for 2. Benoits DDT's him, hits the flying headbutt, then makes my night by punching David Flair in the middle of his stupid face on an attempted run-in.

Rollup by DDP is reversed into a pin for Benoit.

Rating: 2 punches of David Flairs bored-looking face. Okay match, even if it was all of eight minutes long.

The Triad runs-in a little too late, DDP give Benoit three Diamond Cutters and whips him with a belt.

Commercial break, and we're back with Mean Gene and Randy Savage. Randy shouts a lot, and basically threatens to kill multiple people, especially Dennis Rodman. Who he then calls out. Was THIS why Exploded Mummy wanted me to see this?

Mona shows up instead. Mona can't act, which is a shame, as they let her talk.

Mona wants her old job with Macho back, whereupon he sticks a finger in her face and screams "ARE YOU LOYAL TO THE MACHO MAN!". Well, way to make things uncomfortable, Macho. He then forces her to her knees and yells at her to beg him for her job back. Yeah, this has NOT aged well.

Dennis Rodman finally answers Macho's call, arriving in a metallic patchwork coat of many colours. Not many people could pull that look off, and I'm not even sure he did.


Your next ambassador to North Korea, America

Randy and Dennis exchange expletive-laden insults until Mona low-blows Macho. Rodman drops an elbow or two on him. Well, I'd rather watch Rodman drop elbows than let him talk any more.

We've still got one match before the Main Event, so let's send out.. oh poo poo, Raven, Vampiro and the ICP? gently caress me, it's like all my bad dreams got written down and accidently made into a wrestling show. Let me just chant a mantra.

PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK! PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK!

Oh thank God. They don't, and their opponent is Eddie Guerrero. Even better, Eddie gets to show off a few moves right off the bat.

Then the ICP interfere and Eddie has to sell for Vampiro. Way to book 'em, WCW!

Vampiro tosses Eddie out of the ring and right onto a cameraman. Great, let's try and injure Eddie so we can watch more Disco Inferno matches instead. Back inside, Eddie bumps like a pinball as the crowd chants for the ICP. Was it "half-Price for Rednecks" night? Eddie takes over with a sweet top-rope armdrag and proceeds to make the ICP his bitch.


And there was much rejoicing

Raven interferes, Vampiro wins. You're loving kidding me, right?

Rating: 0.5 for the match, minus 12,354 for making Eddie job to Vampiro.

The ICP put the boots to Eddie, Rey and Konaan make the save. They're booking on autopilot tonight.

Main Event at last, and Hogan gets to take over for Heenan at the commentary table.


Making these guys very happy

Main Event: Sid Vicious & Rick Steiner vs Sting & Goldberg. Time remaining, introductions included: Nine minutes and 15 seconds.

Bell rings with six minutes left in the broadcast. So Sid and Rick stall on the outside. Lowblow lets Rick Steiner
... put on a chinlock. Tag to Sid, so that should help speed things up to walking pace. Sid.. slaps on a chinlock.

FUCKKKKKKKK!

Sting get s a few moves in, until Sid just stops selling, says something VERY visibly to Sting and them chokeslams him. Rick in to put another resthold on. This is ridiculous.


WCW EXPLODES!

Sting gets a flurry of ONE move, then lands on Sids knees. Sid misses a legdrop, Scoprion Deathlock, Rick saves and Goldberg gets involved too. The ref shoos Bill out as Steiner goes for a chair.

Hulk jumps up, hits the weakest-looking double axehandle of the week, then gently pats Rick on the head with the chair. A tap on Sids head and it's a DQ.

Rating: 0.0 Anythings.

Nash jumps Hogan, jacknifes him through the announce table, and show instantly ends.

Final Thougts: I'm really not sure why Exploded Mummy picked this one. Rodmans interview was idiotic, but everything else was either a) Pointless or b) Half-assed. Dull as ditchwater.

Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at Jan 13, 2018 around 12:07

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

it was march 8th

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


Makes sense, seeing as Sid is actually on the show, there's no way it would actually be during Baseball season.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

exploded mummy posted:

it was march 8th

Ahh, that's what confused me... Nitro was March the 9th in 1999, according to the Network.

I'll add it to the playlist and have a look at it eventually.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Distorted Kiwi posted:

Recap of David Flair wining the U.S title off Chris Benoit, because WCW existed in a parallel universe where that was possible.

I did the math. There is actually not a single universe where this is possible. I can only assume you made it up.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Jerusalem posted:

I did the math. There is actually not a single universe where this is possible. I can only assume you made it up.

Earth 2,479,736. Instead of Andre the Giant's son, WCW brought The Giant in as Ric Flair's son David.

Writer Cath
Apr 1, 2007

It's always Heath's fault.

Plaster Town Cop

I freaking love these reviews.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Writer Cath posted:

I freaking love these reviews.

Glad to hear it!

And so, without further ado, let's go ringside! No wait, poolside!

Saturday Nights Main Event, January 5th, 1986.

Let's dip back into the SNME archives, coming to us tonight from Florida. Right off the bat, my eyes are assaulted with fluorescent yellow as Hulk Hogan makes a smoothie for Mean Gene. Gene reacts in such a way I suspect I know what Hulk's "secret ingredient" is.


"Mmm, you can really taste the steroi.. vitamins!"

Meanwhile, Rowdy Roddy sunbathes and spies on Hillbilly Jim through binoculars. Not my personal peeping choice, but each to their own.

First up tonight, a "Peace Match" (Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?) between Corporal Kirchner and Nikolai Volkoff. Alos tonight, The Junkyard Dog is wrestling AND has a Waterslide Contest against Jimmy Hart. My butt is officially in my seat, Vince. Later, George Steele vs Macho Man, and Hogan defends the title against Terry Funk.

Vince's commentary partner interjects and HOLY poo poo, I am going to have to blatantly steal from Rarity.


Yes, I asked her permission for this

Yes, Jesse "The Body" has arrived in... Well, this indescribable outfit.


I'm not even sure where to begin

Everything about this ensemble is amazing. The multi-coloured jacket, the nu-wave glasses, the hat that looks like Jesse hosed up a brunette dye job. Wowzers.

Jesse is in the ring tonight! YAY! Against Uncle Elmer. No yay.


Bonus WTF, Jesse

Jesse brings in Bobby Heenan to cover his spot. Good call. Meanwhile, Mean Gene has Jesse's tag partners standing by, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and "Cowboy" Bob Orton. Roddy doesn't seem impressed with their opponents. He must have seen them wrestle before. Once we flashback to the ACTUAL on-screen wedding of Uncle Elmer, because yes, that happened, Gene gets to interview the hillbillies. It's the team of Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer & Cousin Luke.


*strains of banjo music and the faint screams of Ned Beatty*

Three hillbillies in the ring at once? You can only IMAGINE how happy this makes Vince.


No, happier than that. HAPPIER!

Yes, Donald Trump with a family-sized bucket of KFC happy.

Jesse starts off against Uncle Elmer, Elmer hits Jesse with everything in his arsenal, which is of course, two punches two the head. Jesse helps out by flinging himself headfirst into a turnbuckle on the second one. Elmer tags out to Hillbilly Jim, Jesse gets the Hot Rod in so Jim tags in Cousin Luke. There's actually been more tags than moves in this match so far.

Rod offers a handshake and gets a boot in the gut instead. The heels take over on Luke, who's wrestling in bib overalls and bare feet. Apparently, the Great Depression never ended in Mudlick, Kentucky. Luke eventually tags in Uncle Elmer, leading to the most technical move of the match. It's a bear hug, but it beats the "Punches Only" match we've had so far. Roddy goes to the eyes and here comes the all-in brawl.

And the first commercial break.

It's still going as we get back from a break. Eventually we end up with Jim vs Piper. They exchange slaps before Piper backs Jim into the corner to be worked over. For about six seconds. He tags in Luke, who double-axe handles everyone. All hell breaks loose as Piper puts the sleeper on Luke, allowing Orton to load up his arm cast and KO Luke with it.


"Tell.. my pigs.. I said... soo... ee.. ughhh"

Piper slaps the sleeper back on, and the heels win.

Rating: 0.25 Country Boys.

Jesse returns to the announce table. He did a great job in there, according to himself.

Previously, JYD pants's and "brands" Jimmy Hart in the ring. To settle this blood-feud... a waterslide contest!

Yes, I'm not sure how that works, either.

Mean Gene actually interviews both of them at the top of the waterslide. This has GOT to come back for Summer Slam! Jimmy gets a bad start out of the gate, but Jesse is doing colour commentary by the pool, and he's calling shenanigans. Stupid Brad from the waterpark ruined his chances. Jimmy proceeds to attempt to drown himself for our amusement.

Stil more entertaining than Olympic Synchronised Swimming.

He then interviews Terry Funk, who's at poolside, in his chaps and cowboy hat. The rest of the Village People will be along soon.


Helloooooo, ladies!

We recap Terry getting DQ'ed against Hulk in Dever. He somehow manages to brand Hulk with a cold branding iron, which just shows how much of a badass Terry is.

Time for the rematch! Hulk Hogan vs. Terry Funk, Hulk has The JYD with him to look after Jimmy Hart. There's a mismatch for you.

WE come back from commercial as Hulk's in control. Hulk clotheslines Funk to the floor, although it sure as hell took everything Terry had to get over the top rope. He returns, only to evacuate the ring in the least dignified way possible, practically destroying the timekeepers table in the process.

Sign: "Jimmy Hart's Got Branded Buns"-Well, that's just smart markteting to get into baked goods.


Hulk's sporting the baby-blue ballhuggers tonight

Terry headbutts and mulekicks to take over. He goes up., only to take the Crushed Balls Express to the top rope thanks to Hogan. Jimmy grabs the leg of Hogan, then scarpers and hides under the ring. Funk chokes out Hogan with his wrist tape and hits a piledriver for 2. Hogan actually sells it with a really weak kickout.

Well, that doesn't make up for the next decade of loving over people's finishers, but mild respect for that one, Bollea.

Hulk hulks up, and hits the Big Boot. Terry ends up outside the ring and nails Hogan with the branding iron, Covers, Hulk gets a leg on the ropes at 2. The JYD flattens poor Jimmy Hart, Hulks takes out Funk with a big clothesline and retains.

Rating 1.25 Real Americans. Not bad for a Hogan match.

Funk flings chairs around and then just drags Jimmy back to the locker room.


That wasn't a metaphor

Next up, George Steele is in action. But first a flashback to him getting psychological treatment in what seems to be an Ed D Wood, Jr. movie.


Tor Johnson IS George Steele IN 'The Beast That Got a Roomba Stuck on his Head!"

Meanwhile, Macho teaches Elizabeth to swim by throwing her in a pool. What a dick.


But any excuse to show Liz in her swimsuit is forgivable

In the ring, Geoerge goes all warm and squishy over Elizabeth.


"Purrrrrty"

Jesse cranks his sexism up to Maximum, telling Randy to "put Elizabeth in her place!". Different times, etc. Steele chases Randy around, snacks on his forehead and tosses him. He gets distracted by Liz, of course, so Randy gets a chance to get a few licks in, they brawl on the floor until Randy hides behind Elizabeth.

Back inside, George eats a turnbuckle, which gets a bigger pop than several 2017 mid-carders,

Top-rope double axe-handle ends things abruptly, Macho wins.

Rating: 0.25 consumed turnbuckles.

Just noticed there's a dude in the crowd who's actually in bib overalls. In FLORIDA?


A rare sighting of Second-Cousin Incetus Banjo Poopjoke

Break time! We come back to a "1985 Year in Review" power-chord-heavy music video. Wrestlemania I features prominently, along with what looks like some good matches between Tito and Savage. There's also a Halloween clip, with Roddy Piper (dressed as Superman) sexually molesting Elizabeth. BAD TOUCH! Moolah dropkicks a referee, Snuka takes a coconut to the skull, Hulk pretends to play bass guitar, hillbillies dance, Cyndi Lauper dances and somebody pulls a proto-moonsault. (One foot still on the middle turnbuckle, but huge points for effort, dude.)


Impressive!


Less than impressive

Nikolai Volkoff vs Hulk! Roddy vs Mr Wonderful! And uh... Uncle Elmer french-kissing his new wife. Well, they can't all be gems.

Next up, Volkoff vs Kirchner. The Iron Sheik turns up during Volkoff's interview, dropping the classic "Gene Mean!". Love that guy.


JABRONIS CAPTION GO gently caress YOUSELF

Jesse interviews Corporal Kirchner, who has all the promo skills of an extra on AMERICAN NINJA 3. He was an actual U.S Army Paratrooper, so I can't really dump on his acting skills, I suppose.

Pre-match, Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem, getting a free shower courtesy of one of the fans drinks. gently caress your Glasnost, commie! Kirchner arrives with an escort from the U.S Marines. This is a "Peace Match", thanks to Reagan and Gorbachev getting all pally. As far as I can tell, it just means "no hitting". Hope you like armlocks!


And whatever the hell was going on here

They work some basic amateur wrestling, with clean breaks and even a mid-match hand-shake. Volkoff even pulls out a cartwheel, which is impressive for a man who looks like a shaved polar bear. Kirchner works an armlock and small packages him for 2. Volkoff's suddenly had enough of this namby-pamby "clean wrestling", dropping Kirchner on the top rope and then dropping a knee on his face for the pin.

Rating: 0.5 copies of Pravda.

Kirchner beats up the heels afterwards. No peace in our times, I'm afraid.

Main event time! Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat & The Junkyard Dog vs "The Magnificent" Muraco and Mr Fuji. Fuji gives a pre-match interview where he says they roast dogs in his country. Not only horribly racist, also geographically confused.

But mainly racist.

Match is now in progress, with Muraco working over JYD. JYD misses a falling headbutt, which just makes me cringe. Muraco takes a bodyslam like a sack of potatoes and tries to tag in Ricky by mistake. It goes badly for him. JYD takes some punishment from Fuji, who IS a person who can get away with wrestling barefoot.

Muraco finally runs himself into the ringpost, Ricky tags in and demolishes Muraco with chops. Enziguri from Steamboat and he heads to the top for the flying bodypress. Fuji breaks it up st 2. JYD tags in and headbutts Fuji into another dimension for the pin.


"Well, there goes the memories of ALL my childhood pets!"

Rating: 1.75 badly-dressed fans.

Back to Vince and Jeese "I Dressed in the Dark" Ventura to wrap it up.

Final Thoughts: It was okay, I suppose. The wacky poolside shenanigans were miles better than anything that happened in the ring.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Distorted Kiwi posted:


Making these guys very happy

The late 90s: when you and your friend group would go out wearing nearly idential khaki cargo shorts and no one would judge you cause every other guy there was wearing them too

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Aesop Poprock posted:

The late 90s: when you and your friend group would go out wearing nearly idential khaki cargo shorts and no one would judge you cause every other guy there was wearing them too

Sad confession: I brought back cargo shorts to my wardrobe this year. Retro as gently caress, but gotta admit the pocket space is worth it.

This weekend, my review of The Great American Bash, 1991. THRILL to my mounting frustration! Try to work out which semi-mobile grappler nearly broke me! DON'T watch the show yourself!

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

PONYTAR
PONYTAR
PONYTAR




Oh man Jesse that sure is an outfit

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


The guy doing a moonsault with one foot of the middle rope was most likely Lanny Poffo, since that was an odd quirk of his.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

The Great American Bash , 1991

Well, I've put it off long enough. Time to hold our noses and dive into a WCW Pay-Per-View.

I'm taking us back the fateful year of 1991, as the tactical genius known as Jim Herd was running WCW. Two weeks before The Great American Bash, Herd stripped Ric Flair of his WCW title and declared it vacant, Flair's crime that warranted this punishment?

Dropping the belt to Lex Luger. Oh, and refusing the shave his head and start playing a gladiator called "Spartacus". At a reduced pay rate. While being dropped from the main event spot.

Flair was in WWF so fast he must have left a dust trail out of Georgia.

He also left with the WCW title belt, as business genius Herd refused to pay back the $25,000+interest deposit Flair had paid for it.

And so, two weeks later, WCW put on a pay-per-view in front of a... well, let's say, DISPLEASED audience.

We are LIVE from The Baltimore Arena! And is that a scaffold I see before me?

Yes, it is. It's The "Skywalkers II" match. Oddly, I started reviewing Starrcade '86 recently, which had the original "Skywalkers" scaffold match. Before realising that thing ran FOUR hours. I'll start with this three-hour show as a warm-up before I get back that Starrcade.

The rules of this match... capture your opponents flag or knock an opponent off the scaffold and hope he doesn't blow out both quads on the landing. Team one arrives and to my eyes it's an out-of-work stuntman and DJ Man-el Toe. Some dudes should NOT wear spandex.


Can we get this man some roomy jeans? A kilt? ANYTHING?

Okay, It's "The Rapmaster" P.N News and "Beautiful" Bobby. So 50% of the Midnight Express is teamed with 100% of everything that was wrong with the 90's. I have a bad feeling with that.

Their opponents... well, there's a familiar face! "Stunning" Steve Austin. His partner... oh, dear lord. "The Computerised Man of the 1990's", Terrance Taylor". Did people just DELIGHT in handing Terry stupid loving gimmicks?

Jim Ross and Tony Schivonne stall for time as P.N News climbs the scaffold. It's not the most graceful thing I've ever seen. Terry and Steve stall for time on the floor, presumably trying to extend their careers a few minutes longer. They finally start to ascend and JESUS, that thing is wobbling all over the place. You could not pay me enough to gently caress around up there.

It's also a single piece of wood that's too narrow for the match. Planning!

Bobby heads onto the scaffold to confront Terry, who instantly drops, hugs and crawls back to Steve. Guessing no flying headscissors or dropkicks in this one.


Terry Taylor searches for his lost dignity


Steve and Bobby play hand-tag and trade VERY cautious punches. Rapmaster Hungry Hungry Hippo heads out, making the heels scamper away. In a HORRIFYING moment, he gently lays Terry down and crawls slowly on top of him.


*saxaphone music*

I go pour some Glayva to wash away that particular image.

Slugfests break out at both ends of the scaffold. Steve hits, and I quote "Some kind of takedown". Bobby grabs the flag, and casually wanders back across to win. I think. Steve gets some hairspray off Lady Blossom and sprays both Bobby and News. This causes them to wander around for a few seconds, and then everyone climbs down.

Rating: 0.00 Skywalkers. That was NOT a good start to a show. Terry even hops in the ring to get hiptossed for no reason other than to give the fans SOMETHING.

Tony and Bobby chitchat for a while, giving the ring crew time to tear down the scaffold. Also allowing the crowd to start audibly booing in the background as they mention the Lex Luger/Barry Wyndham main event. Tony verbally buries Ric Flair and throws to your friend and his, Eric Bischoff, who's with Paul E. Dangerously and Arn Anderson.

Coming up, Paul E and Arn get in a cage against Rick Steiner and Missy Elliot. Uhm, Hyatt! Paul E's mullet rates a solid 8 on the John Stamos-o-meter.


He'd pay SO much to have this hair today

More chitchat. The scaffold match was SUCH a great idea, huh? Later tonight, a Russian Chain Match! Yes, we need MORE gimmicks! El Gigante vs. The One Man Gang. Can't WAIT for that one.

FINALLY we're ready for our second match. So low-budget pyro for Diamond Dallas Page, still in his manager days. He represents The Diamond Studd, who we know SLIGHTLY better as Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall. He appears to have forgotten half his costume, wearing about 3/4 of a pair of sparkly overalls, a black smoking jacket and no shirt. DDP looks like a 4th of July shop window display come to life.


"And the pyyyyyyro's faint glare/Dear God, look at Scott's hair..."

DDP steals Rick Rude's gimmick, bringing a woman in form the crowd to de-pants The Studd. Yes, he DOES call her "toots", great guess! The woman "pulled directly from the audience" is so obviously a paid model I nearly dislocated a cornea with my eye-roll.

His opponent, "The Z-Man", who I know as Tom Zenk of the WWF's Can-Am Connection. Admittedly, I only know that from his one appearance at Wrestlemania 3. He brings some ladies with him, and jumpstarts the match with a leaping clothesline into the ring. DDP low-bridges him to the outside where The Studd tosses him into the crowd. There's a woman there cradling a TINY baby in the front row. Yep, that's some spectacular parenting right there.


Yes, there WILL be many screencaps of entrances, as the matches themselves offer very little to look at

DDP is somehow managing to steal from Rude, Hogan AND Heenan by this stage some punch-and-kick offense is exchanged. The Studd puts on the abdominal stretch with heel-y rope leverage. There's a dude who I can only assume is a Redneck Freddy Mercury impersonator in the front row having a frank exchange of ideas with DDP by now.

The Studd hits the world's lowest chokeslam and works over the Z-Man, eventually running into a feather-light karate kick. Zenk hits a top-rope dropkick, so DDP gets in his face. Z-Man grabs him, making Freddy Redneck spring out of his seat like he hit the ejector button. Glad SOMEONE is enjoying this.

Zenk hits DDP with the "Combat Kick", which I can only describe as a "Mediocre Kick", then walks into a back suplex. The Studd gets the pinfall.

Rating: 0.5 Radio Gagas.

Next up, the OTHER half of a future tag team you might remember. Accompanied by "The Great Wizard" (and yes, I'm glad they went with "great" or this would be REALLY awkward), and appearing from out of a painted backdrop the local amateur theatre company would be quite pleased with... OZ!


Hes behiiiiiiind youuuuuu!

Or as he's now know... Kevin Nash.

What the gently caress am I looking at? Big Kev's dressed like an Arabian wizard, has a mask and huge beard, and comes out to wailing guitars and a bass line that is stolen note for note from "Another One Bites the Dust".


"Just think of the paycheck, Kev..."

He's up against Ron Simmons, who just comes out to generic rock with no pyro. And looks like a complete badass in doing so.

He's not missing much, as everyone's pyro is frigging pathetic for this show. Not to mention that everyone except Nash has to walk out, wait in full view of the crowd on a raised spot and then start their entrance once the camera is on them. Or more often, after the camera has lingrred on them standing awkwardly for a LONG time.

This is amateur hour.

The lights are now up properly, allowing me to see that Nash.. sorry, Oz... has powder-grey hair, which contrasts beautifully with his lime-green tights. Without the and cloak, Oz has become an overly-flamboyant pirate. I'm just thinking about how nothing of notes has happened in the first three or four minutes when a catcall of "Booooooooorrrrrrriiiing!" comes across the microphones so clearly it almost drowns out Tony. Then another. Simmons clotheslines Oz in the right pec, then backs up and hits him again. "Boring" guy gets in one more heckle before a third clothesline knocks Oz out.

Oz heads straight back in for a test of strength, which I'm sure one fan loving loved. He controls the pace (which is slow) for a while, hitting a side suplex that sends Ron out. The Great Wizard runs in an kicks him in the ribs. Magic!

Simmons dropkicks Oz and hits three football tackles in a row for the pin. Well, that came out of nowhere.

Rating: 0.05 Ruby Red BORRRRINGs. This is sucking my will to live, and there's two full hours to go.

Next up, the Rock 'n' Roll Express EXPLODE as Morton takes on Gibson! If we're lucky.

We're never that lucky, are we.

Time for Robert Gibson vs. Richard Morton. Richard? loving RICHARD? Why the gently caress would you change Ricky Morton's name? (Because WCW, or course)

Anyway, he's got Alexandra York with him, who went on to be Terri Runnels. Here she looks like a power-dressed Yeardley Smith. The Rock 'n' Rollers meet in the aisle and kick things off a high pace. Then stop and stall for ages. Ricky is playing heel, which seems arse-backwards to me. He bails, stalls again, then finally gets the upper hand by raking the eyes and posting Robert dick-first into the post. Surprised that didn't break the post if Jim Cornette's stories about the Rock 'n' Roll are accurate.

Ricky works the knee until Robert rolls him up for a two-count from referee Bill Alphonso. Morton goes back to the knee, which was supposedly injured by Butch Reed and Ron Simmons the previous year. Morton has said it was actually a result of Roberts wife hitting him with a car.

Wikipedia doesn't mention if that was an accident. With these guys reputations, I suspect not.

The match has slowed to walking pace, with a LONG figure-four/reversed figure four spot. Way to break up a classic tag team and then gently caress up the blow-off match, WCW. Jim Ross mentions he thought it'd be a 'catch-as-catch-can" match. I'm taking that to mean he thought it'd be interesting. FINALLY a DDT from Gibson stops the ten-minutes of knee-based offense. Ricky steps away from a dropkck and starts working the leg again. Where's Boring Guy when I need him.


Four days later....

Ricky goes up and gets slammed, then helps out a little by letting Robert hit an enziguri. Alexandra York distracts the ref, allowing Ricky to grab a tiny 90's computer. Ricky jumps off the top rope and boops Robert on the shoulder with it. Somehow this wafer-thin international object is able to knock Robert out cold for the win after SEVENTEEN loving MINUTES OF BULLSHIT.

Rating: I'll let you know when I wake up from the boredom-induced coma.

We're already at a point where it seems there's two types of wrestlers on this card. Veterans who are half-assing it in protest of Herd's BS and new guys either green as grass or struggling with horrible gimmicks.

Next up, it's a six-may Elimination tag. Dustin Rhodes and the Young Pistols (Steve Armstrong & Tracey Smothers) make up the faces. The Young Pistols are the first, and probably last team of cowboys I've seen wearing sparkly gold jackets. Dustin cuts a promo, doing a scarily accurate impression of his old man. I don't ever think I've heard him aping Dusty so closely.


He's also fascinated with something on the ceiling

Their opponents come out first, and it's 2/3rds of The Fabulous Freebirds (Michael "P.S" Hayes and Jimmy Garvin) along with "Badstreet", who's gimmick is "Brad Armstrong in a mask". Much strutting ensues from Hayes and Garvin, Dustin bodyslams the Freebirds and delivers Atomic Elbows all round. Wow, they wwere REALLY trying to make him Dusty 2.0 at this point.


Jimmy Garvin, happiest man in Baltimore that day.

Garvin , as usual, cheats like a mofo with a knee in Dustin's back, Dustin shrugs it off and continues elbowing everyone. The Pistols clear the ring with flying shoulderblocks off the top. More stalling. The Freebirds start a mid-match posedown. Tracey whiffs on a dropkick and tags in Armstrong, who waits on the top rope for an ETERNITY until Badstreet gets in the right position to be taken out. Stallfest '91 continues.

The heels manage to get Smothers on the floor for a spot of physical abuse, then continually kick him off the apron. Garvin plays to the camera between moves. His dickish heel act was a LOT better at Starrcade '86 for me. Chinlock helps the match grind to a halt as the crowd noise fades slowly to near-silence. Hayes gets backdropped, allowing Steve to make the tag to ZERO reaction from the fans. Everyone pairs off until Badstreet and Hayes hit Steve with a double-DDT and eliminate him. THAT gets a pop. Too bad it was for the heels!

Hayes back body drops Smothers out, and because this is 1991 WCW, gets disqualified. The fans boo. I'm not sure this is going the way the booker intended. The ref misses a tag from Dustin and has to shoo him out, allowing Badstreet and Garvin to hit another double-DDT to get rid of Smothers. Dustin INSTANTLY hits a lariat on Garvin and it's down to one-on-one.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but shouldn't the heels have had a FEW seconds to use their weight of numbers? Badstreet slams Dustin but gets caught off the top rope. Lariat and of course Randy Anderson is tied up with the heel manager. Dustin gets the win ten seconds later with a bulldog. The fans at least cheer for that.

Rating: 1.5 Dusty Rhodes Imitators.

Half-way there. Hoping for a match that surprises the gently caress out of me.

Next: The Yellow Dog (w/adorable doggo) vs. Johnny B. Badd.

Seriously, what the gently caress is this poo poo? A yellow-masked luchadore, announced from "The Kennel Club", along with a dog simply called "Man's Best Friend". Was this written by a bunch of five-year-olds?


DOGGO!

The match is for the mask, and the announcers are thinking that's Flyin' Brian Pillman under the hood. Oh good, so it's an angle, not yet another stupid-rear end gimmick.I loving hope it's Pillman, becuase at least I might get a half-decent attempt at at match.

Oh right, I forgot he's wrestling Johnny B. Badd, who has one Theodore Long with him. It's pretty early in his career, but he's gone Hurricane Force Five on his outfit at least.


It's Count Campula!

And then the feed cuts out and we're left with just the commentary for a few seconds. When it comes back, it's now horribly overexposed. God bless live TV in the 90's.

A few basic moves into the match, Johnny shows just how green he is, literally standing still with his arms out waiting for Yellow Dog to hit a crucifix. Then kind of slumps into the move, which looks AWFUL. Johhny blindsides Dog on the floor and goes to work with sad punches and backrakes. Back inside, Yellow Dog lays in HARD chops, Badd respondes with limp-wristed slaps. He's also calling spots REALLY loud. This is uglier than Vader in a tanning bed.

He finally gets a nice-looking top-rope sunset flip and tries to take Dog's mask off. Umm, if you pin him, he HAS to take it off, dimwit! The Dog hits a back suplex and spinning karate kick on Johnny B. Broomstick. He covers, then has to rapidly reposition himself so that Teddy can come in to cause the DQ. Air Pillman on Long pops the crowd for the first time in the match, Badd taps Pilm.. uh, The Dog, who flings himself to the floor. This is the very definition of wrestling yourself.

Rating: 0.5 Cute Doggos. This match needed to be put to sleep.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff sleazes around Missy Hyatt's locker room, and decides to interview her while she's in the shower. He gets pelted with shampoo bottles instead. gently caress me, now even the comedy bits are verging on negative stars.


Komedy

Okay, is there ANY chance this next match will be good.

Lumberjack Match: Black Blood vs. Big Josh

Well, that answered that question real loving quick, didn't it?

Time to broach the Redbreast 12-year-old and take a quick review break.

Josh (from "The North Woods", because no-one on WCW had a real hometown in 1991) gets brought to the ring by a bevy of ring girls. Sadly, they're not the lumberjacks.


He's in here somewhere, if you care

Black Blood "from "A Little Town in France", because hosed if we're taking the time to look up an actual French town) is... a medieval executioner. Who wears a wrestling mask UNDER his executioners hood.


Somewhere, a Ren Faire is missing one of the crew

I'm really loving confused right now.

Black Blood tosses Josh a few times, so Josh forearms him and hits a dropkick, which is one dropkick more than I though I'd see in this match, "You can really hear the impact!" Ross says of some chops. Yes, because the crowd is DEAD! They go in an out a few more times, and time now seems to be going backwards. The lumberjacks start a brawl, and for about five seconds the crowd gets animated. Meanwhile, Josh and Blood are having what could be charitably called "deliberately-paced" match in the ring.

The fight breaks out on the floor again, Blood goes for his axe, so Dustin nails him with an ACTUAL axe-handle. Josh rolls him up for the pin after exactly four minutes and forty seconds of sweet gently caress all.


So if this wasn't a lumberjack match, Josh would have been beheaded? Best. Ref. Ever.

Ratings: I barely care enough to type the word "rating", let alone actually rate this poo poo.

Oh, and next up, El Gigante vs. The One Man Gang. Joy, two immobile monsters to follow two immobile monsters. gently caress you, Jim Herd.

The One Man Gang is first out, giving me chance to see his WCW look. It's half post-apocalyptic Biker, part exploded-hairdo Ian MacShane. Kevin Sullivan is his manager, who has gone for "Stoned off my tits bondage fan" tonight. He cuts an insane promo while Gang giggles and screams.


So, this happened

El Gigante turns up, and it's hard to recognise him without the air-brushed fursuit WWF gave him,

He's also carrying a dwarf on one shoulder, and has three others coming out to ringside with him. One is dressed like Kevin Sullivan. Hoping that this will be the stupidest thing I witness tonight, but I'm not confident about that.


Yes, you're tall. We get it.

After some dwarven comedy, El Gigante starts his usual offense of roundhouse slaps to the back. He manages to KIND of hit a hiptoss and Jim Ross pretty much apologises for him being as green as Shrek's testicles. Gang hits a top-rope clothesline, and El Gigante sells like Boris Karloff in Frankenstein. Except Karloff could act.

Gang uses a wrench to work over El Gigante, and it sounds like they're wrestling in a library. The small child in the front row is getting REALLY restless now, and I don't blame her. Gang hits the "747"(a splash) and only gets two. El G. hits a suplex, nearly breaking Gangs hip in the process. Sullivan hands Gang powder, El G. kicks in his face and nails him with a clothesline to the back of the head for the win. Thank god that's over.

Rating: 0.00 Rusty Wrenches. Only because I don't use negative items. if I did, WCW owes me at LEAST three rusty wrenches.

Since we haven't had enough gimmick matches, it looks like the Russian Chain Match is next. Koloff vs. Sting.

Yep, take a nice mobile wrestler like Sting and chain him the human anchor that is Nikita Koloff. Amazing planning.

Not a lot to recap at the start of this, as both guys wander around the ring, ramming each other into the barricades. Until something interesting happens, I'll just type some of my favourite words.

Truculent. Xylophone. Subatomic.

Oh, there we go, Stinger drags Koloff into the ringpost.

Hmmm... Tuxedo. Cocktail.

Snore. Boredom.

Wait, they're not favourite words, that's what my wife is saying about this match.

Even Redneck Freddy Mercury is now sitting down looking glum. You have ruined this mans night, Herd!

My wife is now making unkind remarks about the size of Stings manhood. Should I rewind back to show her Ricky Morton?

They have a race to the buckles, touching three each. Randy Anderson gets in Koloffs way for no reason, Sting tries to vault him, and Koloff gets pushed into the corner to touch the buckle and win.

Rating: 0:25 Former Russian Republics.

Post-match, Sting beats up Koloff and there's more action in this one minute period than in the entire match.

Two matches to go, both in Steel Cages. So we'll need Jim and Tony to chat a bit as they construct it. To offer a TINY bit of praise, Jim and Tony have been pretty solid on commentary. Even when they've had nothing to talk about.

By which I mean "All loving night".

Such as now as they talk about Lex Lugers past, ignoring the steadily-growing chant of "WE WANT FLAIR!" that's suddenly started behind them. The now talk about Windham as this padding reaches epic length. It HAS to be longer than several of our matches.

FINALLY Barry Windham is introduced. Should point out this means the WCW title match is going to be followed by a match with Paul E. Dangerously in it. No-one in this joint knew what they were doing. Lex heads out to the same sub-par fireworks everyone else got. The "WE WANT FLAIR!" chants start again. The director decides to pan the crowd, so we also get that chant in Pissed-Off Fan-Vision.

Luger appears to have stolen a pair of Hogan's gold underwear for the occasion, so that's nice for him. It's a slow start s they pause for a staredown after every move. Shoulderblock. Stare-down. Dropkick. Stare-down. Small package. In a cage match. Staredown. *sigh*

Backdrop. Staredown.

"WE WANT FLAIR!"

Luger reverses a suplex.

Staredown.

Luger kicks out of an attempted figure-four and I just BET you can guess what happens next. Even Jim Ross is starting to repeat facts about Luger's football career. The match has been going about five minutes and neither guy has got out of first gear. Luger slaps on a sleeper hold. Barry powers out and puts one of his own on.

The steel cage has been completely pointless so far. It's also tiny, the top of it being about three inches higher than the top of Windhams head. He goes up top and misses and elbowdrop. Dude, you could literally have stepped over the thing. (Despite all the talking before this match, I'm not even sure if escaping the cage gets you the title, of course.)

Luger hits a powerslam, and the director manages to find the two guys in the arena who are actually enjoying themselves. Torture Rack from Luger, Windham escapes about nine seconds. Windham hits a top-rope lariat and bodydrops him as the Network starts freezing up for me repeatedly. STOP MAKING THIS LAST LONGER!

Top-rope dropkick (only just) connects and gets 2 for Windham as Harley Race and Mr Hughes wander down the aisle. Harley gives Luger a one-second pep-talk, Lex acts like he's been shot full of adrenaline, instantly hitting a piledriver for the win and the title.

[Future Kiwi] That's not how you sell a heel turn, WCW. I didn't even KNOW it was supposed to be one until I looked this match up online afterwards.

Rating: Not a loving thing. That was slow, painful and DIDN'T USE THE CAGE ONCE! It was also less than seven minutes long.

Lex immediately vacates the scene with his title, barely even celebrating. Can't blame him.


"Anyone want see me wear this tiny belt until Flair gives back the real one? No? Cool."

And now, our purported Main Event, Arn Anderson & Paul E. Dangerously vs Missy Hyatt & Rick Steiner.

A pair of Dicks (Murdoch and Slater) head to ringside before the bell has even rung. That's got to be a record of some sort. They proceed to kidnap Missy Hyatt and strat dragging her back to the locker room. (Briefly stopping so that some dickhead fan can try to help out. Points for being a white-knight, although he came within INCHES of getting knocked the gently caress out by the Dicks)

[FUTURE KIWI] Amazingly, this was because WCW forgot to check if Baltimore allowed mixed-gender matchers. They didn't at the time. PLANNING!

So it's now a handicap match, as Paul cowers in a corner and screams. Some dude is now holding up an actual "We Want Flair" speech bubble sign.


You and me both, buddy

Steiner KO's Arn ninety seconds in. (Oh, get the gently caress out of here)

He then clotheslines Paul and pins him in around two minutes and eight seconds by my watch.

Rating: What, are you loving kidding me?

And in a great summation of the night, Rick simply walks out of the cage and is half-way down the aisle by the time we go back to Jim to try to sum up this abomination of a night. They set off some fireworks and fade out, presumably as the line of people demanding refunds forms at the box office.

Final Thoughts: I'd read reviews of this shemozzle over the last ten years or so, and yet nothing prepared me for how half-assed, yet awful this was. Come back, Wrestlemania 9, all is forgiven.

Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at Jan 20, 2018 around 20:51

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


I've never watched that show and after reading that review I never want to, holy poo poo

Although I do get a lot of joy out of how Steve Austin to this day continues to needle Meltzer for giving him no stars for the scaffold match

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Black Blood was actually Billy Jack Haynes, apparently having not gone up in the world since appearing at Wrestlemania 3.

Big Josh of course was the man who would be Doink in about a year, so I guess his lot did improve. Heel Doink was cool.

DeathChicken fucked around with this message at Jan 21, 2018 around 17:22

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


DeathChicken posted:

Black Blood was actually Billy Jack Haynes, apparently having not gone up in the world since appearing at Wrestlemania 3.

Big Josh of course was the man who would be Doink in about a year, so I guess his lot did improve. Heel Doink was cool.

Matt Borne and Brad Armstrong are both guys that fell into the trap of being good workers that were branded as 'boring' so kept getting given goofy gimmicks, or being asked to put over less talented guys.

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Gaz-L posted:

Matt Borne and Brad Armstrong are both guys that fell into the trap of being good workers that were branded as 'boring' so kept getting given goofy gimmicks, or being asked to put over less talented guys.

Borne's story is somewhat more complicated than that, he was a guy with a drug problem who had a habit of wearing out his welcome (which is one of the reasons why he stopped being Doink).

Borne did well for himself in the Portland territory, which was one of the last hot territories in the U.S.. I agree that the biz missed the boat on him in a sense, though.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Distorted Kiwi posted:



So, this happened
Also I wasn't aware Blue Meanie was around in WCW

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

Gonna hit up a few TV shows next (Prime Time, Nitro, etc) before dipping back into the wild world of WCW Pay-Per-Views.

I'm thinking an Uncensored.

Pick me a year. Any year.

rare Magic card l00k
Jan 3, 2011

Me uni a la Revolucion #RXT


el sabe ...


you should definitely start with the first one, so 1995

thefncrow
Mar 14, 2001


Distorted Kiwi posted:

Gonna hit up a few TV shows next (Prime Time, Nitro, etc) before dipping back into the wild world of WCW Pay-Per-Views.

I'm thinking an Uncensored.

Pick me a year. Any year.

If you're going into that putrid bucket, the obvious choice is 1995, although 1996 is also up there, and I remember the main event of 1999 also being a ridiculous catastrophe (which can also probably be said of 95 and 96).

I think if you pulled at random, the actual best case scenario for an Uncensored would be that you pulled one of the ones that might have 2 watchable matches on it.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

thefncrow posted:

If you're going into that putrid bucket, the obvious choice is 1995, although 1996 is also up there, and I remember the main event of 1999 also being a ridiculous catastrophe (which can also probably be said of 95 and 96).

I think if you pulled at random, the actual best case scenario for an Uncensored would be that you pulled one of the ones that might have 2 watchable matches on it.

Damning with VERY faint praise. Okay, I'll hit up the '95 show next.

exploded mummy
Sep 10, 2008

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?

- Incubus



Doctor Rope

Distorted Kiwi posted:

Damning with VERY faint praise. Okay, I'll hit up the '95 show next.

95 is just a bad show top to bottom

96 has some good matches to start but the Booty Man is very dull match takes forever. The tag team street fight is like half hour and too long at that point on the show. The main event is infamous.

Distorted Kiwi
Jun 11, 2014

"C'mon! Let's tune our weapons!"

exploded mummy posted:

95 is just a bad show top to bottom

96 has some good matches to start but the Booty Man is very dull match takes forever. The tag team street fight is like half hour and too long at that point on the show. The main event is infamous.

Oh, good. I'm guessing I'll have to remind myself I'm doing this "for fun" several times through these shows.

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

andey...


I like that dog.

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Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


So has anyone ever explained WHY just about everyone that comes at GAB 91' has to come out with their own freakin' entourage?

I thought Jim Herd was trying to cut the budget at this point?
So why would you bring in a whole shitload of people just to walk down the aisle???

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