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WhoopieCat
Sep 15, 2018


Thanks for the critiques, judges. Much appreciated.

I found this week’s challenge to be a tough one. That said, here's my take on the stories:

My favorites (in the order they were posted): Remembrance and Safe Harbour.

Discarded by NotGordian (a soothing bottle of aloe vera) - I liked the last one by this author better. Here, first, I didn’t care for beginning with the word “smash” four times. It seemed like more something you’d find in a story for young children.

This had an odd and interesting premise but it was either jumbled or overpacked. I had to read it several times to decipher it, and even then I didn’t get all of it.
I didn’t get the cockroach paste thing and it was gross. Then I didn’t get the two stomachs thing.

The next issue was if Sonny was the sunglasses, the discarded sunburn lotion (which further confused me because aloe vera is used to treat sunburns) or some other person/object. SUNglasses, SUNburn lotion, SONny and a couple of pronouns in a story about a bunch of unfamiliar things, that makes for a very confusing paragraph.

“The couture sunglasses had come home, vaguely red after a day in the sun. She had grabbed someone named Sunburn Quick-Fix. But when the sunglasses tried Sonny, he had come up with nothing. “

I eventually realized (I think) that the sunglasses came with a person attached, Sonny was the bottle of Sunburn Quick-Fix and that the paragraph begins a stint of going back in time to tell us how Vera had ended up in the dump in the first place. Straight linear order of events would have been easier to follow.

Also, the focus on the cola bottle and some of the other things just seemed like the story was going all over the place. If the main idea was discarded cosmetic products, why not focus on another discarded cosmetic product instead?

I got a kick out of the name “Vera” for the bottle of aloe vera lotion. I also liked the idea of a cosmetics graveyard.

Remembrance by Yoruichi (false door of Kha)- Wonderful. Loved this!

I picture the shelter worker getting caught up in this craziness and pouring the stew into an empty cardboard box at our “door’s” request, then catching herself and kinda sadly cracking up at the absurdity of it all.

Rubber Duck by slughead42 (rubber ducky) - This started a little slow but I engaged with it well once the girlfriend was brought in. I especially liked the portrayal of her constant break up attempts. Who doesn’t like crazy love. It felt very real and I wanted to see what would happen next.

But then I didn’t like what happened next. I wouldn’t have understood the ending if hadn’t already known the prompt, I’d just have been confused at why our main character made faces like a duck in his ad. But mainly, “Surprise! The story is really from the point of view of a rubber ducky” is not a good surprise. I would have liked it much better if he was instead clearly a rubber ducky the whole time.

Insurrection by Deltasquid (graffiti painting of Danny Devito (wearing a big white wig) on a brick building, with the words “Artists must suffer for their art. That’s why it’s called PAINting) - I don’t think this story fit its prompt very well but I liked it for the most part. An artist who patches up soldiers near the battlefield by painting on them with blood and mud, interesting.

I wondered if Delacroix was meant to be the French painter Eugene Delacroix or if there might have been Danny Devito references or other references in the story that I missed.

I especially liked this line: “Against the walls of the souk lay civilian casualties, piled up like layers of lasagna by a cook who overdid the tomato sauce.”

I wasn’t crazy about the ending. A nitpick: I think the last line would have been better placed with the paragraph that preceded it. Setting that last sentence in its own paragraph struck me as kind of like showcasing it as a stronger “final word” than it warranted. More at issue though is that death endings usually seem just too easy.

But overall, it was competent and well done.

Warmth by Fuschia tude (a warm wool sweater) - I thought this showed promise but could use some work.

The beginning, Lexi running away from her mom and saying the gingerbread thing seemed strange behavior for a college-aged girl. If it was really a vision the mother was having, then it confused me that soon in the story when I was still trying to figure out what was going on anyway.

Also, what is with Lexi’s head going about its business independent of the rest of her body? Yikes!

"A head popped out of the dorm room at the end of the hallway."

"Lexi had her head at her side, curled up warm in the blanket beside her."

But my main problem with this story was that I didn’t connect with the mother. There was too much about her emotions. And the mother seemed to feel like the daughter was just fine whereas she, herself, was really the one in pain whenever anything happened to the daughter. I would have appreciated that more if it had seemed meant as intentional irony.

Also, I couldn’t really fit the mother’s characteristics in with the prompt object. I think of a warm wool sweater as a care-giving object, whereas the mother seemed more wanting caregiving herself. Then I thought maybe the daughter was the warm wool sweater but I didn’t really see that, either.

But, a mother and daughter, a bad situation, and memories. That, I liked.

A Glass Eye by Derp (a glass eye, duh) – This story was competent and used the humanized prompt well. My only complaint was that I felt like it could have been a little jazzier, drew me in a bit more, but I can’t think of any suggestions right now.

Safe Harbour by Staggy (an old wooden dock) - This was great.
I felt like I was there. I also liked the depth of it, underneath the dock/weather story, there’s a sad family issue. The father stays solidly put while the son prefers to roam free. It ties up beautifully at the end, too.

Teeter-Totter by QuoProQuid (a seesaw) – Nitpicks: If Laura H. sits down next to our MC, then Laura H. wouldn’t be looking across the table at our MC. Also, it’s “discreet,” not “discrete.” And “Led Zeppelin,” not “Led Zepplin.”

Nice little story here though, a crossroads moment in time where our MC could go either way.

Glub, Glub by Anomalous Blowout (the earth’s moon) – “Bethany's wedding is perfect. It sprawls across the manicured vineyard like a couple acres of floral psoriasis.” Loved that.

If I understood this right, it was an interesting take on the prompt to have our MC feeling like the moon in orbited around her sister. It also had nice little touches, like the craters on the MC’s face, only showing one side to the light (camera flash).

But after, it didn’t seem to quite all add up to a cohesive story. It didn’t seem very believable to me that she’d basically steal someone’s car (even if for a short time) to go dump some fancy goldfish into a lake. I’d have liked it better if the story events involved some kind of direct confrontation with the sister. I had the feeling that I had missed something and maybe I did.

Finding a Rhythm by Antivehicular (a grandfather clock) – I thought this was a little mild, I guess, for lack of a better word. But it was clever and well done, a kind of everyday slice of life piece. Also, good use of the prompt.

Thank You. I Love You. Treatment Works. by Sitting Here (a shark in a jar etc.) – This was a lot to pack into such a short story. The MC’s background seemed a bit too contrived or too … something for me to be able to connect that well with it. And deliberately soiling the tank was kind of icky. Then again, it was a very strange prompt. Competent writing. I liked the last one by this author quite a bit.

Ring of Ghosts by Fumblemouse (fine tooth comb) – I didn’t get a sense of Josie herself having characteristics of a fine tooth comb, although she did go through her things “with a fine tooth comb” looking for the ring, and a fine-tooth comb look seemed evident in the slices of light through the curtains.

Also, it seems Samuel is the ghost of her deceased husband. But then she “drifted towards sleep in the ghostless darkness” when he was in bed next to her and she heard him breathing. So then I wondered if I’d misunderstood the whole story.

I think it would have worked better with a little less added in emotion/sentiment.

I liked the “ring” still being present because the skin was whiter where the ring had been worn for so many years. I would still like to know what happened to the real ring, though.

A Game Worth the Candle by Thranguy (a bigger candle) – This starts out a bit confusing, an unattached voice saying things without context. But it’s not long before it’s explained. Our MC is thousands of years old and we’re with him after he ran into a fire.

The MC recounts a lot of his past, with the current dramatic scene only returned to now and then. It came across as a bit tell-y.

Although the MC did go into a burning building, (so there’s an association with fire, anyway), and we had the “game worth a candle” phrase, I didn’t see the MC really having any characteristics of a candle himself.

It had some interesting points about how things might go if we did live for a very, very long time.

WhoopieCat fucked around with this message at Oct 9, 2018 around 05:39

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Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

Thanks for the crits, everyone -- accurate, thoughtful, and helpful.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

Yes very ty!

slughead42
Feb 21, 2011


Thanks. 👍

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


Prompt

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

the rest of my 321 crits

sorry about the inconsistency of these. A lot of stories did the same things and I got tired of writing the same crits over and over.


sparksbloom - Rust

I think this is a piece that got high marks from a lot of readers, including at least one judge, and for good reason; the writing is lovely. Where it fell short for me is in its predictability; we spend a few paragraphs watching this girl grow along with the gate’s silent attachment to her, so when the girl leaves for unspecified reasons, I wasn’t surprised. There’s no like...hint at a broader context or sense of specificity about the girl’s choice to (evidently) disappear. We get a few paragraphs of lovely words, and then welp time for this girl to go away so the gate can be sad.

The gate gets old, as gates do, and the girl comes back to twine her fingers between the bars one last time. Hooray! It’s very neat and tidy in a way that feels hollow to me. This gate is literally rusting to pieces and it’s not clear to me why one last touch would let it somehow find peace. I wish the gate had more of an inner narrative or an emotional life because right now this feels a lot like a better-executed version of Ottermotive Insanity’s Bed 317; sweet and gentle and kind of sad, but lacking the emotional substance of some of the other stories.


Antivehicular - The 52nd Pickup

This piece is cool because of how much it focuses on the tactile. There’s a nice little B-story that adds some emotional stakes without taking the spotlight off the card.

I didn’t like the use of the word “kin” to describe the other cards. Especially when you put quotes around words like “life” and “death”. “Kin” seems like it should be a similarly abstract concept for the card, but you use it several times. Semi-relatedly, the language in this story is very direct and clinical. The tactile descriptions could’ve been enhanced with more creative language.


flerp - you are piss

No u

This is like an anthem for every kid who’s ever felt like they were brought into the world by mistake by fuckup parents. It’s kind of a nice “makes u think” moment.

I didn’t like this bit:

quote:

You don’t know, really, if your father is the one who died in the accident. You only know this because the police were at the bar a couple of days ago, asking questions. You guessed that was him. Or, maybe the better word is ‘wished.’

This does a couple things. For one thing, it forces me to suddenly credit this piss puddle with more observation skills than i’d first assumed. For another thing, this piss puddle has, for all intents and purposes, been an innocent throughout this story. But then suddenly it’s expressing a wish for its ‘father’s’ death. It was a weird roadbump for my headcanon.

The story ends with this bitterness that just feels sort of weird. I can’t blame a piss puddle for feeling bitter, but that wasn't the button on the ending that i was hoping for.


Hawklad - Honeymoon Warriors

I have several issues with this story. Let’s go section by section.

In section one, we meet our merman snow globe in a store surrounded by other merman snowglobes. It seems to conceive of itself as a warrior, and even believes that Poseidon himself imbued these snow globes with some greater purpose. Was this knowledge and self-perception somehow built into these mermen? Or is this one snowglobe just kinda crazy. Do they communicate with each other? Is the reader meant to assume these are literally magical objects? These were the distracting questions i took away from the last couple sentences in this first scene.

In the section two, it becomes clear that this merman has been brought into a pretty dysfunctional household. You’ve got an abuser and his battered wife. They are pretty boilerplate, not that this is their story—Except it kind of is their story because all the merman can do is observe. I feel like this second section is the weakest bit by far because there’s no room for either the merman or the couple to have much personality. Merman is a pretty standard “I must go, my planet needs me” caricature of a hero. I don’t want to criticize the behavior of the wife too much, because lots of people deal with abuse for a long time before doing something about it, but as a story character she’s very passive and stoic. She’s central without being particularly stand-out which means I’m not connecting with her plight at all.

So then we get to the third scene, where the abuse escalates to a knock-down, drag-out fight. And suddenly our merman is using words like “leviathan” and “mermaid” and things are happening with the fury of crashing waves and it’s all very oceanic, but I’m still not sure why this merman would have this particularly oceanic lexicon. Which goes back to my questions from the first scene; how much of the merman’s self-perception is “real”? As an object, it doesn’t really have any reason to use ocean metaphors and similes unless it has some literal connection to Poseidon/the ocean/whatever. But I didn’t get a sense either way.

In the end, the merman gets smashed against the abuser’s head, which is all well and good. I think we’re left to ponder whether this humble merman snow globe was destined to save this woman’s life by acting as a bludgeon. Did Poseidon himself really come down and go “hey hold tight fam, you’re gonna do something really important someday”? Or did the merman just coincidentally have a sense of duty that happened to match his ultimate fate?

Like I said before, one of the biggest problems with this piece is that none of the individual story elements give each other room, so everyone and everything just comes off as feeling very vague, up until the end I guess where suddenly it’s all ocean words.


Curlingiron - Carbon Monoxide Detective

So you know and we all know that this is kind of one joke with a fun voice. The deal here is that the CO detector thinks very highly of its perceptive abilities, but when something sinister happens in front of (underneath?) it, it’s oblivious. But of course, what would a CO detector even do to help this person who clearly got in over his head? It would be breaking the rules of the week if the CO detector was able to do anything other than beep about carbon monoxide so the whole concept is kind of intrinsically sad without diminishing the overall humor of the piece.

My only real beef, which I’ve already told you in IRC, is that things get a little bit fuzzy when the Bad Dudes come to kill the CO detector’s owner. After thinking about, it I realized that they’d broken in and staged a suicide, but that info was a little bit obscured behind the CO detector’s own obliviousness.


Fumblemouse - Blood Guilt

So, this slinky is way into its role as a portal through which various toys pass to far away dimensions. I didn’t really care for all the capitalized proper nouns; it made for lumpy reading. I get that from the perspective of this toy, all the pretend-playing is epic, but that doesn’t make it less of a chore for my eyeballs.

The grandiose voice drops off after the slinky gets tangled, which I liked. Like so many objects this week, it’s left to contemplate how much it would prefer to be used by its human masters. The ending is pretty lukewarm. The slinky is sad because it’s been abandoned, but then it gets rediscovered for a new generation and is happy again! The end!

I’m tired of saying this, but I really wish more objects had, by the end of their respective stories, come to different conclusions than “yay i’m being used!” or “boo i’m not being used.”


Beezus - Self-improvement

I think this is one of those stories that is going to speak to something super real for some people and possibly alienate other people. Personally, I thought it was a nice little lens into this girl’s “buddhist phase.” I think I would’ve liked to have read about a slightly less frustrated Buddha? Like the statue itself (himself?) reads less like the buddha and more like a fellow buddhist whose frustrated that his meditation partner is gone.

This is a little bit like Djeser’s story in that we’re dealing with an item that, depending on who you ask, might have some actual spiritual or mystical property. The difference is that Djeser leaned into the voice and perception of his object. Like I said, this Buddha talks more like a buddhist than a statue of the actual gosh darn buddha.


Thranguy - Subtext

Good job being smart with your prompt. I would’ve been happy with a story about an honest to goodness parchment palimpsest, but this was a nice surprise. A cheaply made bible is a neat way to maneuver into the story you told. This story is a lot like Anomalous Blowout’s in that it feels very big and exciting without ever showing “on screen” action. Oh and I guess they do both involve the surreptitious use of religious texts.

That said, I felt as though the voice of the bible wasn’t very strong. At times I could almost forget the story was in first person; the narrative is utterly consumed by the telling of events in this story, so there isn’t a lot of room for personality on the part of the bible. Compare it to the winning story, which was all voice (to the point of being a gamble), and Djeser’s HM, which conveyed a very unique POV.


Lead out in cuffs - Time for tea

This week made me aware of a new pet peeve which is: I hate it when objects regard other objects as kin, or siblings, or children, or whatever (which one notable exception this week).

But okay. This is pretty sweet, though admittedly by this point in the week I was getting tired of hearing objects go on and on about how great it is to be touched and used. So many warm hands gently caressing. The problem with this story was the same problem suffered by a lot of stories, which is like...your object loves being used, yay! Then it’s not used for a while, boo! Then someone comes along and uses it again, hooray! And I totally understand why so many people structured their stories that way but hot drat, now that I’m writing crits for all of these, it’s more noticeable than when we were judging.

What endears this story to me over some of the other, similar stories is that we actually get a decent explanation for why this couple’s marriage falls apart, as opposed to boilerplate abuse or family drama. We also get some resolution for the wife, who had to move on from a heartbreaking situation. You understand why she wouldn’t want to see the teapot, but the validity of that reasoning doesn’t make it any easier for the teapot to be shut away.


SMuffin - Precisely 10

Hmmm so here’s the thing. I read this story once as it’s written, not following the numbers. Then I read it according to the numbers. I didn’t get like, a different sense of the story when I followed its gimmick. I do like that the ending was the same whether you start at 1 or 10, though. The story lets the reader decide where it begins and ends.

That said, i like the character of the clock. I like the brackets. I like that it is perceptive but still concerned with its own wellbeing. As a mute observer of someone’s total mental decay, the clock is very poignant.


Invisible Clergy - Stone to Flesh

This was just a misfire all around. Starting with the bird bath being hewn from stone took up way too many words. Your object has no inner life, no spark, no point of view. The narrative doesn’t even seem to have a point of view; it gives us naked events with no context or commentary.

Halfway through the story, you’re describing this bird bath to us for the first time. There seems to be something important going on during its construction; I believe a diamond is hidden inside, then sealed in. And then the bird bath ends up with some people who might be monks or other religious practitioners, though no actual birds use the bath. Finally, the bath is rediscovered many years later, presumably by explorers or archeologists, and displayed outdoors on some grass, where birds can land on it at last. I follow, but I don’t...get it?

I think a better choice would’ve been to focus on one particular time period in this object’s life rather than narrating its existence.


Solitair - Words Between the Lines of Age

This is a neat, tactile description of what it’s like to be a bible. I felt a bit bad that Thranguy swept in and basically eclipsed your prompt (this is Thunderdome, these things happen), but this story stands out well enough on its own. I really like the book’s perception of light passing through words, how it perceives its own layers juxtaposed with each other.

I enjoy this Bible’s journey to faith as well. It seemed like this story was going to end as so many others did, with a saccharine and upbeat conclusion. I like that the bible learned to pray, helpless in the hands of a tearful stranger (who i infer is probably related to the pious person who took the bible from the hotel).

This was another one on my long HM shortlist so gj.


Steeltoedsneakers - Ash

Two judges really liked this piece. One just really didn’t. This story produced a pronounced reaction in all of us, though, so you can feel good about that. This is the one except to my pet peeve re: objects having kin/children/siblings/etc. This makes sense because you got a pack of cigarillos, so the pack could be forgiven for having a maternal attachment to its contents.

This story is really just one feeling, driven home again and again. It urges the reader to rethink the act of consumption by humanizing the helplessness of the pack of cigarillos.

An extra depressing part of this story isn’t really something the prose addresses head on; this cigarillo pack is so devastatingly concerned with cherishing her dwindling children and she probably can’t conceive of the fact of a landfill. She doesn’t even get to burn like the cigarillos; more likely she will rot in a dumpster, alone and grieving.

If I had one crit, it’s maaaaybe the repetitiveness. You might’ve been able to do this in fewer words. Overall, a standout piece.


Bad Seafood - And the Stars Look Very Different

This is a pretty good piece. You took it a very sweet, tender direction, which was pleasing. I like the personality of the sheriff’s star, how it’s gentle and paternal and kind of a realist; that wasn’t a direction I would’ve necessarily expected for this prompt, but I was pleased you chose that route. I also enjoy how you gradually and indirectly developed the dead dad.

I don’t have any major or minor complaints; there were more polarizing, flawed stories that HMed. I think it came down to taste? Or maybe risks taken. I’m not sure. At this point I’m only typing these words to make the crit look bigger because I don’t have a whole lot to criticize about this piece!


AllNewJonasSalk - Exhibit A

Oh boy. I let you have this prompt under the assumption that I would hate this story but at least you would have some fun. You do appear to have had fun, and I...don’t hate this story? Mind you, I don’t love it. I’m a little confused as to how this bag of meth exists as long as this one does seeing as it’s, you know, meth. Still, there’s something really fun about the concept that a bag of meth might consider itself a good person who simply got caught in the wrong company.

I also enjoy the meth’s perception of its own agency; especially the bit where it “decides” to ride along to the store in an empty carton of Newports. In the end, you wind up feeling a bit bad for the meth because, through no real fault of its own, it ends up on death row (meth row?). The meth didn’t make the junkie do….well, hrm. Okay, the meth didn’t mean to make him do it. But it’s not the meth’s fault that someone cooked it and sold it to an addict.

I think you try to have fun with your stories and tbh your humor seems to work well at this shorter length.


sebmojo - Jingle Jangle, Motherfucker

This is fun. I’m glad the last couple stories were fun. Your surly key is an amusing character but so help me god you sidled right up to the line of prompt adherence. The judges did a bit of headcanon and decided that they keys only thought they were moving and wiggling about, when in reality only perfectly normal and mundane key movements were happening. The narrative never really gives that wink at the camera though, so I dunno if that was your intent.

I wonder if there’s a word in some other language that describes the propensity of objects to fall in the most awkward and inconvenient places. Like, if I drop something round, it never rolls into the nice, exposed corner of, say, my kitchen. No, it immediately ricochets off into the dankest, dustiest under-the-couch corner, so that in order to retrieve the object i have to confront my own woeful commitment to fastidious order.

You know?

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



Yes thank you for commentary all!

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016



Sitting Here posted:

the rest of my 321 crits

Thanks for the crits

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Thunderdome Week 323: Wu Tang in Space / Where do ideas come from? / MOON FIGHT

This week you are all going to write stories inspired by this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8i53eYfloc

It would also make me happy if your stories were beautiful, or had the beauty of life or the universe as a theme.

If you want a flash rule I will endeavour to give you the sort of flash rule you'll regret asking for.

Word count: 1000 words
Sign ups close 6pm Saturday 13 Oct NZ time.
Deadline: 6pm Monday 15 Oct NZ time.

Space Wizards:
Yoruichi
Sparksbloom
Fuschia tude

Earthlings:
1. ThirdEmperor (Your story takes place in space, but at some point all of your characters must visit New Zealand and have a lovely time there.)
2. NotGordian
3. Thranguy
4. Slughead42
5. AllNewJonasSalk
6. Sebmojo
7. Vinny Possum (what is my dog thinking?)
8. Fleta Mcgurn
9. Lippincott
10. SkaAndScreenplays
11. Antivehicular
12. M. Propagandalf
13. SurreptitiousMuffin

Yoruichi fucked around with this message at Oct 13, 2018 around 19:11

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


there's nothing I could regret more than sharing a planet with new zealand

so sign me up for space and hit me with a flash rule.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

ThirdEmperor posted:

there's nothing I could regret more than sharing a planet with new zealand

so sign me up for space and hit me with a flash rule.

Your story takes place in space, but at some point all of your characters must visit New Zealand and have a lovely time there.

NotGordian
Sep 19, 2018


I need some redemption! I am in. No flash rule please.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls,
For stony limits cannot hold
H U L K A M A N I A

SUPER SUMMERSLAM
THUNDERDOME 2019


I'm in space!

slughead42
Feb 21, 2011


I'm in.

AllNewJonasSalk
Apr 22, 2017

THUNDERDOME LOSER

I suck for not getting my entry in for last week so I am in for this week's blood letting.

Also thanks for the crit, Sitting Here. Thanks a whole bunch.

AllNewJonasSalk fucked around with this message at Oct 15, 2018 around 15:58

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

Tanz mit laibach

Im der Pfunderdome!



Thanks for the crits, Sitting Here! That was a herculean effort, on your birthday weekend no less.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

I'm in.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


More 321 crits

Lead Out in cuffs - Time for Tea

Neat start lets find out more about Dorothy! I sure hope it doesn't describe, in detail, her journey from being created to going to live in a small apartment! While it doesn't go into detail it does cover some, slightly unnecessary details. So we go with this cup and war happens, war is won, and I like that it doesn't just end there. We get to see the man and PTSD and it seems like every character is well rounded here. Would have been very easy to fall into bad stereotypes.

When the teacup is packed up we finally get Dorothy's thoughts, and I think only giving it one paragraph was a mistake. That moment should have hit a lot harder.

SurreptitiousMuffing - Precisely 10

I don't know why you have these numbers by the paragraphs. I read it top to bottom, then 1 - 10 and then 10 -1 and still don't get it. It also seems odd that this clock is so logical, but the story is not. It sounds like the clock starts off in the house, his creator winds him, his creator has to take pills and takes too many and dies, and then uhh time travel? Maybe? gently caress if I know. Another guy shows up? It's a shame too because I like the clocks voice, logical and cold, and I should like the gimmick this story has, time travel or weird time things. But I just can't understand it, so I wind up frustrated.

Invisible Clergy - Stone to Flesh

Having your start be "OBSERVE THIS LUMP OF STONE" is a bold move, also the wrong one in my opinion, but bold.� There isn't much of a draw with a lump of stone.� The second paragraph has a few issues, using hte word "Pruned" with stone is odd.� �Third Paragraph could use a few more periods in it instead of being one long sentence.

Overall this is a story about the creation of a bird-bath, which is a bit dull.� The bird-bath also doesn't have a voice, which makes our POV kind of baffling.��

Solitair - Words Between The Lines Of Age

Huh.� This is an odd piece.� It tries, and might succeed, to get that emotional ending off.� The problem is that the start doesn't really get you to the ending.� The start is "Look at this�book mother fucker!� It's a book!� Biblical terms!� Cain!" and the Book doesn't get much of a voice.� The ending part is hard to figure out what's going on.� I don't know if the book went to a faithful homeless person, or a preacher.� Then the book changes owner and... uhh, tears fall on it?� And that means the person who owns it can't use it properly, but has a great need to do so?


SteelToedSneakers - Ash

Heck yeah, neat start.� 3 sentences and we are in, we got a hook, let's find out who is murdering babies or why children are missing.� And we got some great rule of three/repetition�happening here.� 2nd and 5th paragraph are great examples.��

By the second "part" the cigarillos voice starts to form, and it's understandably�pissed.��

This is a great story, not much to discuss.

AllNewJonasSalk - Exhibit A
Heh I like this Beat-Cop/Mob voice the protagonist has here.� It works, it's fun.� The immediate flashback scene was kind of groan-worthy, but it works.�In fact this whole piece works, could be tightened up just a bit.� The whole scene break to be stuffed inside a box could have been done a bit better, but that's really the only thing I have to say.


Sebmojo - Jingle Jangle Motherfucker
First Paragraph doesn't have much of a draw and the brackets are really weird.� Second paragraph is where the voice of the keys comes out and where you got my attention.� The brackets keep coming up as an aside comment and while they are funny, I get tired of it (get the pun?)

But the voice continues to be great, the accomplishment of the keyrings is pretty funny, though the objects weren't supposed to take action but meh.� I'm actually surprised this didn't go higher, only one thing to really complain about was the brackets.

Exmond fucked around with this message at Oct 9, 2018 around 23:58

Vinny Possum
Sep 21, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


I'm in. Gimme a flash rule, I want to hurt.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Vinny Possum posted:

I'm in. Gimme a flash rule, I want to hurt.

What is my dog thinking?

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate tastes bad,
also fuck you <3

in with a

Lippincott
Jun 28, 2018

You weren't born to just pay bills and die.

You must suffer.

A lot.


In.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


I'll judge.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


IN with a since I'm bad at finishing things.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

Aw, heck, I'm in.

M. Propagandalf
Aug 9, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

Sitting Here posted:

you're all brawling each other.

Your prompt is two characters who can't communicate but must work together in some way.

1200 words
due date Saturday October 6, before you go to bed.
judge is me
es please

so am i covered in blood or dead or what ? ?

AllNewJonasSalk
Apr 22, 2017

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Exmond, I thank thee for the crit. now I must do even better.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

derp posted:

so am i covered in blood or dead or what ? ?

It's complicated

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

Tanz mit laibach

Im der Pfunderdome!



derp posted:

so am i covered in blood or dead or what ? ?

Yes, undoubtedly!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

derp posted:

so am i covered in blood or dead or what ? ?

we still have to rock/paper/scissors about it

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

antiderpempcuffs miscommunication exhibition results

In order of judge preference:

1. Derp

You start out strong with a character in a state of abject desperation. I'm glad you went all out with the emotions and angst right off the bat because without that sharp bite at the beginning, the latter half of the story could've been a lot of woah man bullshit (I've written a lot of woah man bullshit in my time and you really do need that grounding imagery or emotion). I also enjoy that like, yeah our dude meets "god", but the gift he's given isn't an answer to his prayers; it's the revelation that he and his sorrow are just one tiny variation within a small infinity. God isn't going to swoop in and fix everything, but Inglewood can choose to honor the time he has left with Ellen with a broader understanding of how significantly insignificant that time is.

2. Third

I like this in concept more than in execution. The Saintess as a premise is really neat; she's had the (allegedly) useless parts of herself removed and fashioned into tools of war. Theoretically this should make her both a better and more effective version of herself, but over time it becomes clear that some important strings have been severed in her soul. Her weapons seem to be resentful, passionless versions of the characteristics from which they were distilled.

Where this fell short for me was...well all the typos. Dude. DUDE. I know you know how to read your stories out loud. C'mon. The Saintess is sort of hollow by design but I didn't really feel like I was following a character. That would've been okay if the various weapons and clothing had more distinct voices, but they all had a similar narrative voice. A couple times I wasn't positive I knew which item was functioning as the POV.

also 2. antiv

Yep, you read it right, you are sharing the number two spot with Third. Both stories fell short for the judges the exact same amount, just in different ways. Whereas Third has a concept unsupported by execution, you have decent execution that had me craving a different sort of conflict and a more developed premise. I kinda lost track of the characters' respective abilities; Rita is some kind of psychic, but she can't hear blackjack's own psychic emissions? And they use sign language to circumvent both the need to speak and their own mutual psychic deafness? I think we needed a scene outside of the mission to establish a baseline of interaction between these two. There are so many action spy words, you could've truncated a LOT and given yourself space to ground us in this world a little bit.

Finally, I didn't really like the Bureau as the big bad. They are evidently straight up stupid, as observed by the narrative, and I think you tried to take a slightly lazy route by referring to their vague and sinister "indoctrination centers." I kinda wish you'd come up with a more specific angle for this spooky organization.

Luckily, your action is all pretty clear which is good because there's not a whole lot else here. Your characters are leaning in the direction of having an interesting bond, but as I said before, you needed to show us how they interact outside of a crisis to really let me connect with them.

3. LoiC

It was kinda hard to judge this against three super serious stories so you were a little bit unlucky in that regard. That said, I didn't think this was horrible. It's an easy breezy read. Sebmojo thought it was a bit twee and I can see where he's coming from; it's this very cutesy, random premise that ties up in with a cutesy bow. I wish this played with the "physics of emotion" more; Brad and Kira are pretty generic, as bickering couples go, and there's nothing about their relationship that connects metaphorically with falling out of sync with time. They have a fight, they get separated on the trail, and then they fall out of time. I sort of like the thought process—being separated by time is a neat way to address the prompt. It's just that like, your characters don't live up to your premise.

The sheep is kinda generic too; it's a combination of wise, all powerful, and casually menacing that you see pretty frequently, especially in media with humorous aspirations. What is the sheep getting out of this, anyway? I get that it's basically an infinite being so there's no reason for it to NOT show up in this story, but I didn't get a sense for its motivation outside of a plot device.

The thing about basing a story on two people who have trouble getting along is that, generally, we see them at their least sympathetic. A bickering couple is tedious, unless you give them something interesting to bicker about, or let them behave sympathetically before launching into the disagreement.


Bottom line: Derp wins the brawl, you all win my heart~

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

BLOOD ahhhhh. Ty for judging and for all your amazing crits as always!

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

Tanz mit laibach

Im der Pfunderdome!



derp posted:

Ty for judging and for all your amazing crits as always!

Not emptyquoting!

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Sign-ups are closed.

Who gon be third judge?

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



Yoruichi posted:

Sign-ups are closed.

Who gon be third judge?

I'll do the thing

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Yoruichi posted:

Sign-ups are closed.

Who gon be third judge?
I have spoken to Yoru about getting in under the wire so I am in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

SkaAndScreenplays posted:

IN with a since I'm bad at finishing things.

hey ska, you have some totally other amount of toxx bans for not writing wehn you said u would so just to push you through the mekton barrier that is preventing your brain vibes from reaching the word dimension, i'ma suggest you should start writing now and submit a story otherwise you will not like the avatar you will receive after you re-up

as another fail whale, and in the spirit of savage fairness that thunderdome marinates within, i too will and take the same avatar challenge

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


It's that time of year everyone! It's time to corrupt- err... educate our youth by bringing Thunderdome to the class room.

The first outing was a hit. A majority of the students loved letting go and writing a non-academic paper to only have us tear it to shreds- err... critique it for them. So much so that our teacher friend asked for us to make it a yearly thing.

Hooray.

Yes, so. I hope you all can help out again with critiques, even small critiques are absolutely welcome. Are there any prompt ideas for our victims... yea, victims? Class is on November 5.

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Mercedes posted:

It's that time of year everyone! It's time to corrupt- err... educate our youth by bringing Thunderdome to the class room.

The first outing was a hit. A majority of the students loved letting go and writing a non-academic paper to only have us tear it to shreds- err... critique it for them. So much so that our teacher friend asked for us to make it a yearly thing.

Hooray.

Yes, so. I hope you all can help out again with critiques, even small critiques are absolutely welcome. Are there any prompt ideas for our victims... yea, victims? Class is on November 5.

Crazy pictures are good - do you want one prompt for all, or a selection?

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