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apophenium
Apr 13, 2009

I am a real boy.


In, Joan of Arc

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Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


sebmojo posted:

that sounds like a villainous act, anti-v you probably want to get some satisfaction

750 words, the worst heist by the smartest criminals

due 18 Jan 2018 2359 pst

up and face to bloodshed

Sure, let's do it. I DEMAND MY SATISFACTION

Guiness13
Feb 17, 2007

The best angel of all.

So be it.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

In

Suzanne

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


In with "Everybody knows"

apophenium
Apr 13, 2009

I am a real boy.


Here are some crits for Time Travel week.

Overall I was really impressed with everyone's time travel concepts. It's one of my favorite sci-fi conceits. A lot of the stories were exposition-heavy which tended to work for me. Reading a decently thought through time travel story is a lot of fun. Here are some specific crits.

sandnavyguy
I know I've read or seen a similar thing to what the Irish demon man offers David in this story. But I can't place it right now and it's cool. Maybe I'm imagining it. Anyways, I think it boosted the story a lot, along with the characterization of the Irish talking demon guy. David was unfortunately completely uninteresting. An archetypal, down-on-his-luck business guy willing to do whatever to make things work. The twist is a given, but executed well. The other big detractor is just how wordy the story is. A lot of the descriptions are superfluous. Story would have been 100x more interesting from the perspective of the demon guy.

Yoruichi
Again, I like the time travel idea used here, a witch's (accidental?) curse. Makes Liam kind of snakebit: always late when he's hurrying. However, Liam was completely uninteresting. I had little to no reason to actually root for him. Despite that, the ending is kind of nice. Subtle. I wonder if Liam recognized what happened enough to learn from it.

derp
I love the narrator's increasing insanity and paranoia. Stylistically it's pretty awesome, but I think there's just too much of it. By the time something had to happen for it to be a story a woman shows up who can bring the narrator out of his hell. Thanks special savior woman! The narrator absolutely does not deserve this ending, as a self-professed sexual deviant and murderer who would already be dead if he could die. The style did a lot of heavy lifting.

thranguy
I absolutely adore the time travel concept used here. People from the future sending their children through the past, chunks at a time, to try to find a livable existence. Cool as hell. The prose is solid, some good words. I thought there was a bit of a weird tone thing going on between the first few paragraphs and the rest. The first bit seems like some extremely dry humor, the rest is very somber and serious. I found it odd too how non-chalant Allie is about all the deaths. Maybe it was shock.

Jay W. Friks
I liked the more fantastical aspect to the time travel here, but the story was too disjointed for me to really get into it. Lots of Proper Nouns and Special Names that added to the confusion as I tried to puzzle out their significance. By the time I had an idea of what was going on it was kind of too late.

Flerp
This one's pretty cool. Very gloomy. There's lots of sadness here, but none of it really moved me. I wasn't able to really empathize with the AI. The stakes didn't seem that high. I think it's well written, but it didn't affect me as much as it could have.

Antivehicular
My pick for the win. I ate up all the exposition about the narrator and their job. It's all very cool and well written and well thought through. I was able to get a good sense of the narrator's character through their (few) actions and also the fun little parenthetical asides. I think why this one didn't get the win is cause not really much happens except at the very end. The ending really worked for me, would love to get an idea of what the narrator and Agnes get up to after the end.

sitting here
Probably the most human of the stories. It worked well for me in that regard. Characters are decently established. The thing that detracted from this story was the thin relation to time travel. It was kind of vague. I think it was like a memory as time travel kind of thing. And memories are kind of like time travel. But for Fruitypuke it's much realer than that. Good prose and the most emotional ending of all the stories.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Antivehicular posted:


Exmond, "Vampire's Night Out"

This is a fun enough read, but it's pretty shallow. The supernatural elements aren't particularly deep or interesting, which isn't necessarily a killer; urban fantasy can work with fairly shallow supernatural/worldbuilding elements as long as the human core to the story is sound. I can see the bones of that human story here -- the concept that Cordelia and Murphy are going out to confront their insecurities, as much or more than they're going out to pick up guys -- but they feel a bit stapled on, especially since they come later in the narrative. (Murphy's daughter shows up way too late to make any impact, in particular.) Try and work on finding the human core of your narrative earlier and making it a stronger part of your stories.


Ty for the crit!

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

yes tyvm apop

sandnavyguy
Sep 12, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thanks for the crit Apop!

Yeah, I definitely like making my villains more fleshed out I guess. I tried mixing Some of the Djinn-type "Whatever you wish for in worst possible way" with demonized Irish Brownies.

e: I'm also going to try a rewrite sometime using that suggestion about flipping perspective, that could be pretty cool, thanks!

sandnavyguy fucked around with this message at Jan 8, 2018 around 22:57

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


Thanks for the crits, apophenium!

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


sandnavyguy posted:

Thanks for the crit Apop!

Yeah, I definitely like making my villains more fleshed out I guess. I tried mixing Some of the Djinn-type "Whatever you wish for in worst possible way" with demonized Irish Brownies.

e: I'm also going to try a rewrite sometime using that suggestion about flipping perspective, that could be pretty cool, thanks!


yeah same

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


In with "Nevermind"

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Yellow Crits Part 3

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SM...iew?usp=sharing

Includes Solitair's "Crowning the New King", Fuschia_tudes "Dim Procession", Blue Squares' "A Crack begins to form."

Part 4 coming soon.

Previous parts:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eE...iew?usp=sharing for Part 2
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kF...iew?usp=sharing for Part 1

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!



In

Can I have Sisters of Mercy?

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Crits.

Because Iím an insane person, I always four or five prompts sitting off in the wings. This wasÖ maybe my least favorite of the crop but it felt too terrifically apropos to pass it by. New year and all. I'm glad I didn't pass it up.

To be frank, I toyed around with the wording of this prompt a great deal. I thought about listing pitfalls and traps I wanted everyone to avoid but Iím glad I didnít. I didnít need to. You all wrote interesting stories that avoided the stereotypical problems one might expect from the genre without the need for me specifically directing you to do so. Even the new blood did alright. Also, amazingly, only two stories were even particularly similar (a deal with the not-devil that ultimately ends with being devoured). Simplicity in a prompt is something I may or may not consider going forward.

Anyway, thank you for the stories. Here are my crits. As always, if you feel the need to respond to them here in this thread, don't.

Sandnavyguy
I have a handful of issues with this.

First, you wrote a lot of unnecessary words. Iíll be interested to see (assuming you come back) how you deal with a smaller, more reasonable flash fiction word count. With this story, a significant portion of what you have written has very little to actually do with your story. Itís just set dressing. Itís just waxing poetic about alleyways and clothing and blah blah blah. Lets look at a couple of sentences, shall we?

ďA cat darted out from behind the repulsive alley dumpster and into the dark yet busy street in the distance ahead as the man kicked an empty tuna can. As it rebounded with an audible snap against the graffitied wall, the drunk but well-dressed businessman paid no attention to the scuttling and scurrying in the shadowed edges of the passage.Ē

What is important here? By which I mean, what is important here to your story? We learn in 60 words that a man, some random man, is drunk. He is in a dirty alley. There is a nearby busy street. There is also a cat and an empty tuna can. This is your opener. We donít know, though, who this man is or why he is drunk or why any of this is important. Much of which either isnít important (the cat, the tuna can, the dumpster, the traffic) or could be better couched somewhere else in your story (he is a well-dressed business man, he is in a seedy location -- both implied/brought up with working at a firm). Also, read those sentences out loud. Do they read easily? Do they not feel jumbled in your mouth?

On top of that, your story doesnít actually get interesting until we hit 672 words. Thatís right around when we learn that the randomly irish guy can read thoughts. Thatís nearly a third of your story! Until that point, itís all bullshit about some drunk businessman. Now Iím sure youíll initially argue that itís very important to set up the tragic story of the drunk businessman because no no no just stop. Itís not. There are plenty of stories about drunk businessmen who lose everything. You could get that across in one sentence. When crafting a story, you need to figure out what makes your story unique, interesting, and specifically different from the ten-thousand other ones like it. And, in this case, that component is mysteriously irish man and his deal. Itís not good enough to simply be able to string together pretty words. Your words, all of your words, need to be focused towards a singular point -- that of telling a very specific story. Set dressing is only important if it adds something important. Did the or the tuna can or even the description of him falling add something important? No. This story is about a deal that lets you reset time. Make your story about that. Make it about that dilemma. And let me, your reader, know what Iím getting into way way earlier. Donít make me read a third of your story before letting slip whatís actually important/interesting here. Donít waste words.

Lastly, you have some weird internal inconsistencies. Holes. Why did the mysteriously irish man take out Davidís wallet and then give it back to him? Why does he care if David should be more specific? Why was he irish? Why include dates if you only use them twice and theyíre not important to help your reader keep track of the timeline? How did Gary remember the last words of the deal if ďYou will retain no memory of this transaction?Ē
For the record, donít respond to crits in thread. These are all questions for you to personally ponder. Welcome to Thunderdome.

Yoruichi
I really liked this. Your last line is very sweet and it pulls the piece together in a nice way. I think you should have waited another day to submit though. It just seems a little unpolished. Maybe sleeping on it and looking again with fresh eyes could have been helpful.

I think you should have started with: ďMy nameís Liam,Ē he said, extending his hand. She raised her eyebrows in surprise, two sharp arches over dark eyes.

ďDidnít they warn you not to talk to me?Ē she said. ďIím a witch.Ē

Your catalyst for conflict needs to be tweaked just a hair. Like, ďYou think that time flows at your own pace, well it doesnít, and it wonít wait for me, or for youĒ is a really nice line. But we donít really work our way to it. Liam didnít know that he was coming home late because Yvette only just discovered that her grandmother is ill. Iím also not a huge fan of random circumstance creating conflict. Or, rather, random circumstance being the major/only source of conflict. Itís much better when itís a conscious choice by the character. So maybe she tells him that she really needs to leave but wonít say why. And she does this is a couple times and he keeps telling her no no no wait wait wait because heís working to pay off the ring. She chooses. He chooses. Etc etc. Better than him getting a little prematurely tipsy in celebration and that random night just happens to be a night where Yvette has to loving leave right loving now arrghhhh

I love that you play around with the prompt. Itís never super clear if Yvette is actually magical or actually has the powers to affect time. The implication is more greater conceptually, contextually, vis-ŗ-vis their relationship. I just love that. Well done.

Derp
loving. Rad. Opening. Love a good pencil to the brain. Well done use of the date/time markers. Itís a bit risky to spend so more time describing the monotony of 82 seconds but it totally works here. I never get bored with it. Iím always invested. It just keeps feeling fresh. Which is neat. The only time you come off the tracks a bit is at the end with the woman. What she is, how sheís different, and how she changes your protagonistís situation is unclear. Also, I donít think you knew how to end this story so you just kindaÖ did. Overall, very good though.

Thranguy
Sharp, crisp writing. Good voice. Quick dialogue. Interesting concept. Overall very, very good.

Problems: Mr. Carrís crimes feels a bit of a red herring. Martin ďconcealing a smirkĒ undercuts both his outrage at ďyou pathetic liarĒ and the protagonists reasoning for hooking up specifically with him. It is unclear when exactly she got to ď[know] him that well, [know] how he felt about us locals.Ē In my opinion, you shouldnít have capitalized Killing Fields -- I think it makes too specific of a reference. Alternatively, maybe bring it up earlier as something they lament not being to fix this jump for lack of power I donít know. Itís a cool line it just sticks in my craw for some reason. Also, the ending is super abrupt and a little disappointing given how fun the rest of your story was. Killing your protagonist feels like a disservice and is one of the more uninteresting choices you could have made.

Jay W. Friks
As I said in my judgment post, what doomed you here was incomprehensibility. We struggled, I struggled, with several major facets of your story. Foremost being that the setting is extremely unclear. I have no idea where or when it is supposed to take place. At first, it felt very pseudo-Lord of the Rings and then a Gatling gun shows up and I just have no idea what's going on. Naming conventions felt haphazard (Lord of Veng, Master Thane, Elizabeth, Shade, Emilio) and that furthered my confusion. Is there a difference between Wolf and wolf? Are they the same as the Shade? There was clearly something interesting going on and I think you had a very vivid picture in your mind while you wrote this. But it didn't make it from your brain to mine.

Flerp
Things I liked about this: it's in second person, it's about a robot, it follows the prompt, it clips along and I didn't get bored, I just generally kinda think the concept is cool.

I'll go into greater detail regarding the things I didn't like. Going second person with a non-human entity is an interesting, bold choice (and one that I'll probably steal to be quite honest). The more I think about it the more I like it. It gives you the ability to juxtapose an alien sentience with your reader's own human experiences and let your reader really feel just how foreign/familiar this other being truly is. How other it is. You missed the mark, though. It would have been cool to let the reader, the human, bear the emotional burden of Genesis's bloody calculus. You shouldn't force it. But you forced it. I would have liked a little more matter-of-factness. A little bit more robot in the robot.

Why did you choose to kill your main character off? I'm not typically a huge fan of swinging in a death at the end of a story. And, truth be told, I was expecting a little deus ex machina. You'd certainly foreshadowed it. Sending people back in time. Ending right before the sun explodes. The explicit desire to be a hero. I thought you were setting me up for an ending where mankind made it safe, fixed things this go round, and when Genesis regains "consciousness" it does so in the face of a better world. But maybe you just wanted to avoid loving with loops and paradoxes.

Antivehicular
Conceptually speaking, this was probably my favorite of the week. Someone complained that it was a little exposition heavy-- which it was-- but that didn't bother me. It stayed interesting. And you wrote it in such a way that the exposition felt (was) vital and meaningful and important to both the story and the plot. I think you needed more words, though. Like, maybe 600-1000 more words. You just didn't have the space to fill out Agnes's character. And you ran out of time so your ending was squished and overly simplified.

"Idiots think a closed timeline means room for fuckups, but just because nobody ever finds your body doesn't mean you get out of this alive." That's such a great line.

Sitting Here
One judge thought this was maybe worth dq-ing since it played a little fast and loose with the prompt but I thought it was fine. I like a little flexibility as long as it's well done and using memory as a time travel device is a cool enough concept for me to roll with it. One judge called this "the most human on the stories this week" which is probably true. I found this to be emotionally resonant but... a little thin. Like, you're dealing with some rather deep, rather intense concepts but maybe not to the degree or depth you really needed to in order for this to fully hit. Good concept. Good characters. Could use a little more knowledge of the setting.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

tyvm for your thoughts tyran!

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Thank you for crits

sandnavyguy
Sep 12, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thanks for the crit!

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Yellow Crits Part 4

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1X-...iew?usp=sharing

Finishing up my belated crits with "Beyond The Black Curtain" by MockingQuantum, "Sanatorium" by Jan, "marvel at the forest" by Tyrannosaurus, "All Shook Up" by Chairchucker, and "Passion Hides in Painted Smiles" by Benny Profane.


For Part 3 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SM...iew?usp=sharing

For Part 2 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eE...iew?usp=sharing

For Part 1 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kF...iew?usp=sharing

My crits for Week 279 will be here soon.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome



Thanks for the crits and for the fun week!

MockingQuantum
Jan 20, 2012


Unlockable Ben

Jay W. Friks posted:

Yellow Crits Part 4

Thanks for the crits!

(yes I lurk wanna fight about it)

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderdome Recap!



In this episode, Sitting Here, Djeser, and I look for coherent structure in Week 278: Get Your (Self-Improving) Freak On and turn to WikiHow for wisdom in Week 279: How to Write a Story. We come away with rather more questions than answers. For instance: how much Raid would you need to free your mind from fear? What gets you sent to prison for fifty-one months? Who illustrates Internet guides to touching girls? And where oh where can we apply for assistant realtor jobs that pay $83K a year? Our reading of Electric Owl's "1058 words; Coherent Structure" doesn't shed much light on these issues, but you may enjoy it anyway.

The words corporate homosexuality arising just as fast as they were squashed out.


Episodes past can be found here!

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


crits for uranium phoenix, big scary monsters, aesclepia, beefsupreme, jay w friks, yoruichi

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Thanks Flerp.

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

gently caress it. I'm in; give me a song.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I'm in, gimme a song, Thran.

Let's get some more meat in the arena, all this namby-pamby thank you talk is nice but don't forget we're here for blood

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Sitting Here posted:

Let's get some more meat in the arena, all this namby-pamby thank you talk is nice but don't forget we're here for blood

Oooh so the Empress would like to see some blood would she? Would the Empress like to sit on her throne and watch some newbies flail horribly at each other for her amusement, hmmm?

gently caress that, I will fight you. There will be blood.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Yoruichi posted:

Oooh so the Empress would like to see some blood would she? Would the Empress like to sit on her throne and watch some newbies flail horribly at each other for her amusement, hmmm?

gently caress that, I will fight you. There will be blood.

you have chosen a worthy blade to die on

I accept

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

Yoruichi posted:

Oooh so the Empress would like to see some blood would she? Would the Empress like to sit on her throne and watch some newbies flail horribly at each other for her amusement, hmmm?

gently caress that, I will fight you. There will be blood.

Sitting Here posted:

you have chosen a worthy blade to die on

I accept
No more than 1,250 words by the end of the 20th. For the purposes of this brawl, the 21st begins at midnight Pacific.

Yoruichi has recently acquired a Thunderdome-themed avatar. Sitting Here has had one for quite some time herself. For this story, I want a confrontation between the women in these two images. Interpret this as liberally as you see fit.

Sham bam bamina! fucked around with this message at Jan 10, 2018 around 06:01

CantDecideOnAName
Jan 1, 2012

And I understand if you ask
Was this life,
was this all?


Exmond, you've been gettin' real cocky in IRC. You talk like you're hot poo poo, King of the Mountain, but you're just tepid diarrhea on the sidewalk. You think you're good? Prove it. Here's my glove; I'm gonna show you your place; hold still and let me slap that dumb grin off your face. Brawl me, you hot-air-balloon excuse for a bad writer.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


CantDecideOnAName posted:

Exmond, you've been gettin' real cocky in IRC. You talk like you're hot poo poo, King of the Mountain, but you're just tepid diarrhea on the sidewalk. You think you're good? Prove it. Here's my glove; I'm gonna show you your place; hold still and let me slap that dumb grin off your face. Brawl me, you hot-air-balloon excuse for a bad writer.

You.. you think I'm good?

Take a number and post-pone to February? I'm already involved in a brawl this week.

Exmond fucked around with this message at Jan 10, 2018 around 05:59

CantDecideOnAName
Jan 1, 2012

And I understand if you ask
Was this life,
was this all?


Exmond posted:

You.. you think I'm good?

Take a number and post-pone to February? I'm already involved in a brawl this week.

Fine, stay as the bitch you are. Time waits for no man and neither do I.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Sham bam bamina! posted:

No more than 1,250 words by the end of the 20th. For the purposes of this brawl, the 21st begins at midnight Pacific.

Yoruichi has recently acquired a Thunderdome-themed avatar. Sitting Here has had one for quite some time herself. For this story, I want a confrontation between the women in these two images. Interpret this as liberally as you see fit.

sebmojo posted:

On brawling, by Sebmojo:

don't step up to judge a brawl unless you've at least got an HM or the participants have asked you to

https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...6#post479874938

Ummm...

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I'm fine with it

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


flerp posted:

crits for uranium phoenix, big scary monsters, aesclepia, beefsupreme, jay w friks, yoruichi

Extremely good crits, ty

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Jay W. Friks posted:

Yellow Crits Part 3

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SM...iew?usp=sharing

Includes Solitair's "Crowning the New King", Fuschia_tudes "Dim Procession", Blue Squares' "A Crack begins to form."

Part 4 coming soon.

Thank you muchly.

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

Sitting Here approved in IRC before I posted here.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

Ok

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Wednesday, technically

Sham bam bamina! posted:

gently caress it. I'm in; give me a song.

Jazz Police


Sitting Here posted:

I'm in, gimme a song, Thran.

Let's get some more meat in the arena, all this namby-pamby thank you talk is nice but don't forget we're here for blood

Bird on the Wire

flerp posted:

in give me a song

seb is an idiot

Did I Ever Love You

People asking for songs will get assignments as soon as I can manage for here on out; plenty of them less.

Also still looking for two more judges.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

CantDecideOnAName posted:

Fine, stay as the bitch you are. Time waits for no man and neither do I.

I'll fight you.

.

Someone do the needful.

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