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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Thunderdome Week 298 Results

Chili wins
Muffin hms
No one dms
Bubble Bobby loses
Flesnolk is disqualified

Crits will be posted in the next day or so

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ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013


SCREAMING YES
MOTHERFUCKER
I AM GUILTY, I AM DEATH


Just a little preview of my crits for this week:

If you're gonna toxx to win on a story, don't center that story on contractual surprise sex.

Solitair
Feb 18, 2014


Actually On Time For Real Judge Crits: Week 298
“Fire in the Hole” by Chili
So I’m in a pretty anxious mood where this story hits pretty close to home, bringing shape to fears of mine that are baseless in reality but realized here. I like how the specific circumstances of Treimar’s incarceration are left to the imagination, but the feelings between him and his father are easy to imagine. The character you assigned to Elba reminds me both of Stringer Bell (still my favorite Elba performance) and Avon Barksdale from The Wire. You didn’t seem to sacrifice anything in submitting early, though I’m not sure I want to give the win to an idea this simple. Good work.

“I Met My Father During the Zombie Apocalypse” by Yoruichi
I had to look up your meaning of the word “bach” to make sure it wasn’t a typo. I noticed one or two iffy uses of commas, but I like that the general survival scenario conflicts with the father’s implied mental illness. He was, or wanted people to think he was, prepared for such an outlandish scenario, only for it to get taken away from him. In the big picture, that’s for the best, and if he wants to improve his life, he’ll need to find a different, less melodramatic way. Unfortunately, my co-judges didn't agree, but if it were up to me you'd have HM'd or even won.

“A Mother and a Father” by derp
Quite a horrific picture you paint here, but it feels like it’s missing something. A conclusion, perhaps? There are also a few wonky word choices that distract me, keep me from really getting into the atmosphere you’re trying to convey. Lastly, the emotions on display here aren’t the deepest; I’m not convinced at the idea of Zednia being a mother to anything except her boat, and the stranger is more mystery than character. Maybe in another time and place I’d look at it more favorably, but this time the competition beats it out.

“Memories of You, Hovering in the Sky” by Exmond
As I read this, I’m noticing some quibbles with the proofreading. The biggest one comes after the preacher downs his cup of water. It’s unclear who asks the question afterwards. On the other hand, I can tell who’s speaking because of the characters’ different attitudes. One’s fatalistic and defeated, the other energized and alarmed. Overall, you should be willing to go over your story once or twice before you read it, and make sure you’ve put a period, comma or apostrophe in every place that needs one. The story itself is predictable and cheesy, but I didn’t hate it, at least not the non-Umaru version you actually submitted.

“Finnt Visits the Potion Master” by Bubble Bobby
Okay, so at first glance this wears the atmosphere and worldbuilding of a cozy, escapist fantasy story the likes of which you’d see published in a book my dad might have read as a kid, and it wears it well. Unfortunately, it also reads like a Piers Anthony book, or another author whose work has declined in popularity for very good reason. First, I’m having trouble imagining Idris Elba playing this kind of shameless womanizer, though I haven’t watched all of his roles and I could be wrong. More importantly, this whole piece has a gross feel to it. The entire story revolves around men wanting to gently caress women, and women’s opinions don’t seem to matter all that much. When a woman does have an opinion, our supposed hero wants to put a stop to it. He enlists someone to help him who wants this woman as essentially property, and our supposed hero agrees to this term. But wait! It’s supposedly okay, because the woman in question is trans and hence undesirable, a nasty surprise and a way to swindle Idris Elba’s character. I don’t know where you came from, Bubble Bobby, but it probably involved sleeping for a few decades a la Rip van Winkle. Please read up on the social politics of our era and maybe some new ideas from modern fantasy writers before you try your hand at this genre again. Until then, enjoy your losertar.

“You just keep on going” by SurreptitiousMuffin
Not bad. I feel for this guy, and I especially like that even with the melancholy mood suffusing this piece, we still get time to crack jokes about free verse poetry. The guy still ribs his lover, even though he wants them to be together and knows that it probably can’t happen. Not much else to say other than it’s good, and I felt for a moment like I was at sea too.

“No Bite” by Sparksbloom
Kind of a bog-standard crime gone wrong story without that much to distinguish it. I know Elba was in two shows where crime was a prominent feature, but this feels like it was written by somebody who didn’t know any more about those shows than that. It’s functional, like the endtable I use without thinking about it too much.

“The Rock” by Thranguy
Oh boy another story with pop-Biblical characters let’s see if this one can be more interesting. It definitely was, but it left me wanting more at first. Then I realized that the more I would get wouldn’t be that much more than an action movie. Interesting premise, not sure you could have done it more justice in its format. As it is this feels like little more than a sugar high.

“Decision Matrix” by sebmojo
I agree, it would have been awesome if Idris Elba was in one of Guy Ritchie’s good movies. I’m not sure you managed to capture whatever’s good about them in text—that might not translate well between media for all I know—but I felt a bit of pity for these poor souls because you told their life stories in reverse. Just a smidge. Could have used more details, though.

“Sunbeam” by Flesnolk
I’m mostly, but not entirely, sure that this is a superhero deconstruction story. I wasn’t clear on what happened in it, though. Reading this story made me feel like I was skipping lines of dialogue or even whole scenes by accident. I’m not sure what it all adds up to, honestly. Even if this wasn’t disqualified, it wouldn’t have added up to anything. It might have gotten a DM, actually, if I and the other judges hadn’t decided to skip doing those this week.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

NEW PROMPT A FEW POSTS DOWN!

Well everybody, you let it happen again. I won the week. Not a good sign for thunderdome in general. So let’s take this back to basics.

Let’s talk story spine.

Many good stories follow a basic structure and contain what is known as the story spine. The spine comes in different flavors but for the purpose of keeping things consistent for this week, the story spine looks like this:

  • Once upon a time there was _______
  • And every day ______________
  • But one day _____________
  • Because of that _____________
  • Because of that _____________
  • Until finally ________
  • (this beat is optional) And ever since then _____

This week, your story must follow those particular beats. There is some flexibility with the “because of that” in that you can have more if you’d like, but as this is short, flash fiction, be careful not to bag it down.

When you sign up this week, include a story spine that has AT LEAST 2 beats filled out. You don’t need to make them more than a sentence each, but you have to have something down. Your spine is then open to feedback from the thread and in IRC. When it comes time to write your story, you are free to ditch the story spine you signed up with and go with a whole new one.

Also, when you post, include a copy of your story spine at the bottom of your story!

For additional examples of story spines check out: http://www.aerogrammestudio.com/201...he-story-spine/

OK, now for the part that I’m excited about.

The only thing that my two wins have in common is that both of them got precrits. While I’m eternally appreciative of crits after the fact, and of our tireless recap crew, I’d like to see a bit more learning through the process this week.

To encourage cooperation, when you post help/feedback to someone in the thread, regarding the contents of their spine you gain 100 bonus words . Additionally, if someone credits you in their submission post as having provided you with help/feedback, you’ll earn 100 words that way as well. (limit one 100 bonus for each individual, so you can’t make 2 posts helping the same person and get credited by them and earn 300 words. Once you’ve helped someone, you’ve tapped them out for a bonus).

Also, if you are not interested in feedback of any kid, that's totally cool. Put in your signup post that you don't want any comments/feedback, and at that point, you are off the table as a potential word bounty. Please don't offer precrits to folks who say they don't want any!

IRC tends to be a great place to get a hand with your story. Jump on in! Also, I recognize how simple this is to game for bonus words with minimal effort. You could very easily be a Sally Raincloud and post one word things itt and gain words. I’ll even let you get away with it. But, I’ll be disappointed in you.


Tl;dr
Deadline for signing up is 4/27 11:59 EST
Deadline for subbing is 4/29 11:59 EST

Sign up with a story spine that has at least 2 beats filled out.

Word count 700+100 for every assist. An assist equals posting in the thread, or being credited by an author.

At the bottom of your sub post, include your full story spine and credit those who helped you.

And hell, because I’m a cool dude, who likes cool things, if you toxx and ask for a flash rule you’ll earn a cool 200 word bonus and probably a Tim Minchin related flash rule, because Tim Minchin is the best.

Judges:

Chili
Thranguy
Exmond


Entrants
  • Jay W. Friks

ALSO!!!

As it seems there are... special things in the works for week 300, the winner of this week will be judging week 301!

Chili fucked around with this message at Apr 24, 2018 around 03:27

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

In

Once upon a time there was a divorcee
And every day she made a little extra money cleaning her neighbors apartments
But one day she got a request from the recluse in the run down unit across from her
Because of that _____________
Because of that _____________
Until finally ________
(this beat is optional) And ever since then _____

(EDIT: for my own sanity. Please do not give me suggestions or help with this spine)

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Apr 23, 2018 around 05:07

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

One of my two missing critiques:

Week 236: Three Card Combo

Muffins "the woman OR the fools who came to drink the dark" Sorry for the wait!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Wl...iew?usp=sharing

Flerp if you're out there, "sand caught in the laughs" is missing from the archives.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Thanks for the crit, Uranium Phoenix.

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

I'm offering 3 in-depth crits to the first 3 people to quote this post, for your week 298 story unless you specify a different week.

Bubble Bobby
Jan 28, 2005


ThirdEmperor posted:

Just a little preview of my crits for this week:

If you're gonna toxx to win on a story, don't center that story on contractual surprise sex.

I think that's a pretty disingenuous reading of my story, but whatever

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Bubble Bobby posted:

I think that's a pretty disingenuous reading of my story, but whatever

Hop into irc if you want to discuss your story, or ask for some more detailed crits.

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 23, 2018 around 14:38

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Jon Joe posted:

I'm offering 3 in-depth crits to the first 3 people to quote this post, for your week 298 story unless you specify a different week.

I'll take you up on this.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


Exmond posted:

Hop into irc if you want to disc your story, or ask for some more detailed crits.

Seconding this -- as someone who agrees with Third's reading, I'd be happy to write you a detailed crit to explain my reaction, if you want one. If you want discussion, IRC is there, and I'm happy to take it up there with you.

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Chili posted:

For additional examples of story spines check out: http://www.aerogrammestudio.com/201...he-story-spine/


Link seems dead btw

I'll join this week but I need some food for thought

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Deltasquid posted:

Link seems dead btw

I'll join this week but I need some food for thought

Double edit: :'(, FETISH-CEPTION will have to wait.

Edit: Requesting to be a judge, also if people need inspiration I got a ton of flash rules!

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 23, 2018 around 15:58

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013


SCREAMING YES
MOTHERFUCKER
I AM GUILTY, I AM DEATH


Jon Joe posted:

I'm offering 3 in-depth crits to the first 3 people to quote this post, for your week 298 story unless you specify a different week.

Hmm, could I get a crit for my recent brawl story?


Bubble Bobby posted:

I think that's a pretty disingenuous reading of my story, but whatever

No, the dude literally signs a contract saying potion-man gets his girlfriend, explicitly for sex purposes. She does not get a say in this. What am I supposed to imagine happens if she tries to say 'gently caress no'?

If you wanna discuss this, hop into IRC.

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Exmond posted:

Double edit: :'(, FETISH-CEPTION will have to wait.

Edit: Requesting to be a judge, also if people need inspiration I got a ton of flash rules!

I will regret this, but I am curious. Hit me up with your fetish-ception flash rule.

Also requesting a second flash from Chili. Give me all the flashes

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Edit: Only bad flash rules here

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 24, 2018 around 01:48

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Deltasquid posted:

I will regret this, but I am curious. Hit me up with your fetish-ception flash rule.

Also requesting a second flash from Chili. Give me all the flashes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ju8Wxmrk3s

Bubble Bobby
Jan 28, 2005


ThirdEmperor posted:

Hmm, could I get a crit for my recent brawl story?


No, the dude literally signs a contract saying potion-man gets his girlfriend, explicitly for sex purposes. She does not get a say in this. What am I supposed to imagine happens if she tries to say 'gently caress no'?

If you wanna discuss this, hop into IRC.

I don't have irc. The point is that the contract is obviously not going to be carried out. It's called a trick. I guess I should have made that more clear. Thanks for reading.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Bubble Bobby posted:

I don't have irc. The point is that the contract is obviously not going to be carried out. It's called a trick. I guess I should have made that more clear. Thanks for reading.

https://www.synirc.net/chat

Get in here bobby!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Quick heads up:

The prompt doesn't seem to be rubbing folks the right way. I'll give it a few more hours but if we don't see more folks jumping on I may go rogue and scrap/replace it.

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Exmond posted:

FETISH-CEPTION is like INCEPTION, except you keep going down a rabbit hole of fetishes. First, it might be playing Jurassic Park during coitus, then upgrading to a full orchestra until finally, you both are wearing T-Rex costumes while going down on each other. (And then it starts into costume play, which then turns into intricate TV-Show plots for foreplay, when then turns into....)

All you need to do is be inspired by this really silly idea. You could have a single fetish in the piece and your fine, this isn't a noose that strangles your story.



gently caress it, I'm in and taking these.

Chili posted:

Quick heads up:

The prompt doesn't seem to be rubbing folks the right way. I'll give it a few more hours but if we don't see more folks jumping on I may go rogue and scrap/replace it.

Even if you do this.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

Bubble Bobby posted:

I don't have irc. The point is that the contract is obviously not going to be carried out. It's called a trick. I guess I should have made that more clear. Thanks for reading.

Even more specifically, this link will take you directly to the Thunderdome chat: https://client02.chat.mibbit.com/?s...=%23THUNDERDOME

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

gently caress it!

Prompt is canceled! I'll be posting a new one tonight. Jay and Delta, you guys can opt in or not. And exmond and thranguy, feel free to change your mind about judging. Feel free to yell prompt at me until this happens. If I get a no-show at work, it'll happen soon.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

INTERPROMPT: Fetishistic indecision

Poetry, 100 words

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

Variations on Theme
100 words

Pleased to stick my merry bits
Wherever I drat well please
To whatever scene I see
Any place
Any time

Except, I wonder
What is the best location
Best moment
To stick my merry bits
For the damnest wellest pleasest

I build the best scene
The perfect collection of coincidences
To make my bits merriest
Right people
Right script

Damnest, the people are wrong
Wellest, they're not as bad as the script
Pleasest, find me better merry bits
Aha, there are no right people
Aha, there is no right script

Perfection is in the next line,

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Yoruichi posted:

INTERPROMPT: Fetishistic indecision

Poetry, 100 words

I like hot chilis on my soundtrack,
Hot chilis in my sandwiches,
Hot chilis in my spaghetti, and yes even hot chilis on my banana

But this chili ain't so hot with the PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPT

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 23, 2018 around 21:47

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

NOW WITH A BONUS PRIZE!

Ok I tried an overtly complicated prompt. Let's change it for a simple one!


Teenagers. When they’re not busy skateboarding, or rubbing their parts together, they’re having existential crises and breaking laws.

I remember my teenage years as deeply confusing, frustrating, and among the best of my life.

This week, I want stories that capture the spirit of adolescence in all of its chaotic glory. Was your's different than mine? Sure it was! That’s OK! Write it how you want it, but deep down, your story should smell like teen spirit.

All of your major characters must be between the ages of 14 and 19.

This does not mean that your story must be intended for a young adult audience.

Wordcount 1200
Plus a why-the-hell-not bonus of 200 if you toxx. (friks and squid you get the bonus 200 without having to toxx cos you're cool dudes who understand me)

If you want, you may request a flash from something “teenagery” and either me or one of my judges will serve you up with something fresh.

Deadlines are the same Friady at 11:59 EST then Sunday 11:59 EST

Judges

  • Chili
  • Thranguy
  • UraniumPhoenix


Entrants
  • Friks
  • deltasquid
  • Solitair
  • Antivehicular
  • Captain_Person
  • cptn_dr
  • Tyrannosauras TO WIN
  • sparksbloom
  • flerp
  • Sitting Here
  • Yoruichi
  • crabrock
  • Kaishai



SIDENOTE: The winner of this week will not be judging next week, but will, instead, be judging week 301!

And EXTRA SIDENOTE:

Chili posted:

OK, everyone, as a thanks for rolling with my prompt shift, I'm gonna throw a prize into the pot!

There's a quarterly contest called Fiction War that many domers have submitted to before, and some have even placed and won money in!

It's a fun little contest where you get a prompt, and have just the weekend to put together a piece of flash fiction. The next one that a person could join will happen the weekend of July 20th. But, signups are open now.

https://www.fictionwar.com/2018q3

The winner this week will receive an entry ticket, from me, into the contest! A real prize valued at $25.00 with the potential to go on and win $1,000

Get fightin word nerds. There's a bounty to pursue!

Chili fucked around with this message at Apr 28, 2018 around 00:56

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

In

Solitair
Feb 18, 2014


Much better. IN, , flash, please.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Solitair posted:

Much better. IN, , flash, please.

Ya know, it got really awkward when the ghost of my dead parents would conjure up and explain puberty to me.

(Inspired by Sabriel, by Garth Nix)

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


In and

Captain_Person
Apr 7, 2013

That was a BAD business decision!


In and and flash please

cptn_dr
Sep 7, 2011

It's just so good!


I'm in, and since I shamefully failed last week, I'll and get a flash if one's going.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Edit: Only bad flash rules here

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 24, 2018 around 01:48

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


in

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Redacted

Chili fucked around with this message at Apr 24, 2018 around 01:43

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Hey everyone;

Sorry for the flash rules, got excited there. No more flash rules, the current ones are struck out, and I won't be a judge.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Fresh flashes incoming!

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Captain_Person posted:

In and and flash please

At least a portion of your story takes place on prom night!

cptn_dr posted:

I'm in, and since I shamefully failed last week, I'll and get a flash if one's going.

At least one of your characters is in a garage band!

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