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magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Sitting Here posted:

Here's 5 more crits from week 306. Gonna try to have the rest out before judgment this week, so i can write my 307 crits as i read.


magnificent7

Summary:

Elmore Stanley is an octopus, and in this setting, octopodes seemed to be shapeshifting aliens who are covertly investigating Earth. Theyíre not super impressed with human intelligence or biology, though Elmore seems pretty proud of the information heís gathered about us. In fact, he has a pretty high opinion of himself overall.

Heís just about to finish his two year shift on Earth, or die, or both. Iím not too clear on that point, actually. Maybe he says the thing about dying in the beginning because he dies at the end of the story. Anyway, heís gotta mate before either or both of those things happen.

We find him just having eaten an ex girlfriend? Who is a shrimp? Then he turns his attention to Eleanor, another octopus. Conrad, who I guess is her octopus boyfriend, isnít around, so Elmore makes a big show of changing colors and patterns to impressed Eleanor. I guess he figures he can win her over.

Except heís not showing off to Eleanor, heís showing off in front of Conrad, whoís altered his appearance to look like Eleanor. Elmore isnít pleased by this; heíd had plans to copulate with Eleanor, then face-gently caress her with his penis tentacle. Instead, he gets in an altercation with Conrad.

This altercation seems pretty one-sided. Conrad basically rips Elmore apart tentacle by tentacle as Elmore laments that heíll never get to bring his report on Earth home.


Expression of intelligence:

Being advanced aliens.


Comments:

This crit is really for anyone who wants to write humorous stories.

This story did something I specifically asked people not to do, which is anthropomorphize animals. These creatures are basically people with tentacle dicks. The have human names, in spite of being octopuses as well as aliens. I get that this story is the equivalent of an Adult Swim-style cartoon vignette, but IÖwasnít looking for that this week! I wanted stories and narratives I wouldnít necessarily find in any other week. So first and foremost, thatís why this took the loss over the other two negative mentions.

The events of the story itself arenít super compelling if you donít get much out of the joke. Elmore calls himself a devourer of worlds, or whatever, but heís clearly kind of just a sleezy dude being a dick on the job. Heís edgy and vulgar and lol woops he tried to gently caress a dude and now heís getting ripped apart and he is hella pissed, bro. None of these elements really work to subvert each other in a surprising way. Guy is a dick with a big ego, acts like a dick with a big ego, gets punished by another dick. The trajectory to your punchline, as it were, is very straight and predictable.

Elmore talks himself up a lot, and I guess the humor is supposed to be in how easily he gets owned, but thatís not enough to carry this story. ďGuy thinks heís cool, actually sucksĒ is a very basic and common setup for comedy, but the humor comes from making the guy suck interestingly. One of my favorite shows, Peep Show, features Jeremy, who thinks heís cool and talented but is in fact an idiot, rear end in a top hat, and horndog. What makes that character hilarious is the absurd nature of his fuckups, and his dry, charming, self-aware inner dialog. Elmoreís narrative is crass, egocentric, and heavily colloquial, but thereís nothing that sets him apart from any other impotent villain-type character.

Finally, I donít like the sort of ďinteriorĒ first person narrative. I feel like Iím inside his head, yeah, but Iím not seeing through his senses. Iím locked in the dark, jizzy closet of his mind and heís like, phoning in the details of whatís happening outside. This style of narration CAN work, but if it doesnít work, it distances your reader from the story.

All that said, i recognize this was a light attempt to have fun. This crit isnít because Iím angry at the story and hate it. I think itís a good object lesson in what can go wrong with comedy writing, but apparently a couple people were amused so it didnít even go all that wrong, I guess. I guess.
Thanks for the crit. Would the story have made more sense if I started with this?

quote:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuttlefish

Males have two extra tentacles they use to force sperm into the orifice next to the mouth of the females. Cuttlefish change shape/colors, males will hide their two tentacles to fool the other males for the purpose of getting the more desirable female. They're also one of the most intelligent sea creatures. Self-aware, horned up, sneaky little bastards.
(edit - that description is my summary from the info on the wiki page)

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at Jun 25, 2018 around 18:18

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Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Prompt between prompt
100 word story about prodigal sons/daughters

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


Mercedes posted:

Prompt between prompt
100 word story about prodigal sons/daughters

Twenty Years Away From Home
100 words

In my dreams, I see the malls of my childhood. I walk the hallways and try to remember each store in turn, from those distant days when they were all local: overstocked hobby store, jeweler, iron-on T-shirt store, anchoring department store from a chain I've never seen since. Sometimes it's the University commons, with its stairway to nowhere and the chessboard tables outside, grass peeking through the cutouts in the paving stones. It's almost never our old house; when it is, I'm alone.

My parents were incidental. I was raised by times and places, and I can never go home.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006

Corde pulsum tangite


Week 307 Results

This week's stories were decent, far more decent in fact than its failure rate. Carl Killer Miller, Deltasquid, flerp, apophenium, Meinberg, ibntumart, Entenzahn, and Bad Seafood receive 800 cubic centimeters of shame and two rotten kidneys for their failure.

Not every submission measured up. We issue eight metric tons of Loss to QuoProQuid for a #millenialproblems story that devolves into a find-the-annoying-kid story. Further, we issue 200,000 Newtons of DM to Benny Profane for a story that amounts to 'Dadís being weird, is he okay? Yes, kinda? LOL,' as expressed by a useless narrator-as-camera character. We also issue one steaming mound of DQ to Mercedes for tacking too far from the prompt on multiple counts.

But there was a quantity of submissions which were positive in sum. One healthy dollop of HM goes to Kaishai for a poignant, technically proficient, and prompt-faithful depiction of a grieving mom. Also, a heaping helping of win goes to Jay W. Friks for strong symbolism, emotional resonance, powerful adherence to the prompt, an appreciably characterized protagonist, and a tenor of prose and dialogue that serves his story well. Jay, although relative gains in your writing skill over time didn't factor into our decision (we just evaluated each story this week as-is), we judges nevertheless want to acknowledge you for measurable progress over time. You may sit the throne, it is but 0.0001 furlongs away.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Week 308: Codex of the Infinite Planes



Iíve been an avid d&d player since I was in elementary school, I donít pay too much attention to any lore that connects each edition to the next except for the planes.

The planes are a kind of solar system that revolves around the material plane (our world). There have been many ways to travel from plane to plane, but this week is more about writing something inspired off of these alien/fantastical landscapes than riding in some space whale to the land of coke and prostitutes.

This week Iíll give you a plane of existence from the annals of the Codex, these planes may be related to elemental forces like the Plane of Water, Fire, Steam, and Radiance, the negative energy plane.

They might be planes related to the transitions of reality, the plane of shadow or the astral plane.

They could also be one of the planes where personal identity, morality, are the forces that shape that plane, many of these resemble different versions of hell and heaven from various religions, like Ysgard, the Abyss, Acheron.

When you sign up Iíll give you a plane of existence to be inspired by and an article explaining a bit about it. Your story doesnít have to be fantasy or horror, it can be a real life scenario inspired by the natures of the plane youíre given. Put a 6 in your post if you read this. Just donít write any fanfiction (Iím banning Sigil as a plane btw), rants, etc look at the other weeks do I really need to tell you what not to vomit here.

Ask for a flashrule and you get 200 extra words. These will be songs from my favorites on youtube. They might suck but you still gotta get inspired by them, and I gotta SEEEEE IIIIIT.

Maximum word count is 1200.

Last day to sign up is 6/29/18 11:59 PST

Submissions close at 7/1/18 11:59 PST

Judges of the Cosmos:

J.W Friks

Solitair

Djeser

Chaosmen:

1. QuoProquid: Plane of Shadow https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Plane_of_Shadow

2. Cpt_Dr: Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanus

3. Captain Person: Astral Plane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Astral_Plane

4. Thranguy: Ever Changing Chaos of Limbo http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Limbo Flashrule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLd...wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s

5. Uranium Phoenix: Gray Wastes of Hades http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Hades
Flash Rule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnR...wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s

6. Sebmojo: Tosheik the Demiplane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Tosheik_(3.5e_Location)

7. Chairchucker: The Olympian Glades of Arborea https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbor...ns_%26_Dragons) Flash rule https://youtu.be/os8WIRrtu5o

8. BabyRyoga: Wilderness of the Beastlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beastlands
Flashrule: https://youtu.be/zWQQTZ9oV3o

9. Hawklad: Positive Energy Plane https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Positive_Energy_Plane
Flash rule: https://youtu.be/ZcFhz5YgTzQ

10. SurreptitiousMuffin: Nine Hells of Baator https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baator

11. Fuschia tude: Blessed Fields of Elysium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elysi...ns_%26_Dragons)

12. ibntumart: Observatorium Demiplane https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

13. Chuf: Demiplane of Darksphere https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Darksphere_(3.5e_Location)

14. apophenium: Bleak Eternity of Gehenna https://planescape-campaign.obsidia...i_pages/gehenna

15. MockingQuantum: The Infernal Battlefields of Acheron https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acher...ns_%26_Dragons)

16. Mercedes: Negative Energy Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wi...ve_Energy_plane

17. Benny profane The Para-elemental plane of Smoke http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Par..._Plane_of_Smoke

18. Felime: The Elemental Plane of Air http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Elemental_Plane_of_Air
Flashrule: https://youtu.be/G6FRxUi0wl8

19. Antivehicular: The Quasi-Elemental Plane of Mineral http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Qua...lane_of_Mineral
Flash rule: https://youtu.be/wtXz3OlFwZA

20. Maigius: Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Celestia

21. Beige: Ethereal Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Ethereal_plane

22. Magnificent7: Para-Elemental plane of ice http://dungeonsdragons.wikia.com/wiki/Plane_of_Ice

23. Pham Nuwen: Windswept Depths of Pandemonium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pande...ns_%26_Dragons)

24. Yoruichi: Elemental Plane of Water http://dungeonsdragons.wikia.com/wiki/Plane_of_Water

25. Badseafood: Tarterian Depths of Carceri http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Carceri

26. Lippincott: Quasi-Elemental plane of Radiance http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Qua...ane_of_Radiance

27. Zagazunt: The Infinite Layers of the Abyss https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abyss...ns_%26_Dragons)

28. Ironic Twist: Heroic Domains of Ysgard https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Ysgard

29. Kaishai: Quasi-Elemental plane of Vacuum http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Qua...Plane_of_Vacuum

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Jul 2, 2018 around 03:58

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

WHO LOVES BLOOD SODA?
KEL LOVES BLOOD SODA!


I do. I do. I do-oo.


cool. im in.

6

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

QuoProQuid posted:

cool. im in.

I rolled a 32. (32-34) You get the Plane of Shadow

https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Plane_of_Shadow

cptn_dr
Sep 7, 2011

It's just so good!


In, 6,
Gimme that weird magicky goodness.

Captain_Person
Apr 7, 2013

That was a BAD business decision!


In, 6. Gimme the goods!

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

cptn_dr posted:

In, 6,
Gimme that weird magicky goodness.

I rolled a 61, (61-62) You got the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanus

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Home Again

"Papa I am home!" said little Mercedes.

TDBot turned, scorn in his eyes.

"I made you something from the bottom of my heart papa!"

TDBots eyes flashed in anger and cuffed little Mercedes on the side of the head, knocking him into conviniently placed boxes.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Captain_Person posted:

In, 6. Gimme the goods!

I rolled a 27, (26-28) You get the Astral Plane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Astral_Plane

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In, and fla6h me.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Thranguy posted:

In, and fla6h me.

I rolled a 59 (59-60) you get The Ever-Changing Chaos of Limbo http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Limbo

Flashrule is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLd...wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


gettin in on this fantastic nerd poo poo

6, flashrule, aw yeah

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Uranium Phoenix posted:

gettin in on this fantastic nerd poo poo

6, flashrule, aw yeah


I rolled a 58, (57-58) You get the Gray Waste of Hades http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Hades

Flash rule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnR...wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

6
68
THE NEIGHBOUR OFFFF THE BEAST

I'm in

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

sebmojo posted:

6
68
THE NEIGHBOUR OFFFF THE BEAST

I'm in

I rolled a 91, you get the demiplane of Tosheik https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Tosheik_(3.5e_Location)

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Jun 26, 2018 around 02:36

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

In, flash, 6

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Chairchucker posted:

In, flash, 6

I rolled a 40 (39-40) You get the Olympian Glades of Arborea https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbor...ns_%26_Dragons)

Flash rule: https://youtu.be/os8WIRrtu5o

BabyRyoga
May 21, 2001

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


in, I will take 6 1 flash rule please

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

In, 6 me up with a flash rule also

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


666 the devil told me to go all in.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



hell yes I am in for 6d6 points of planescape damage.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

BabyRyoga posted:

in, I will take 6 1 flash rule please

I rolled a 43 (43-44) You get the Wilderness of the Beastlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beastlands

Flashrule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWQ...Izdr_wR3adPlWtQ

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Hawklad posted:

In, 6 me up with a flash rule also

I rolled a 77(77-78) You get the Positive Energy Plane https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Positive_Energy_Plane

Flash rule: https://youtu.be/ZcFhz5YgTzQ

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

666 the devil told me to go all in.

I rolled a 47 (47-48) You get the Nine Hells of Baator. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baator

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Fuschia tude posted:

hell yes I am in for 6d6 points of planescape damage.

I rolled a 53 (53-54) You get the Blessed Fields of Elysium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elysi...ns_%26_Dragons)

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Week 307 crits

These crits will be much shorter than my longform 306 crits (which I am still working on at the time of this writing). If you have questions, hit me up in IRC, PM, or crosspost to the fiction advice thread.

Jay Friks

Oof. This is the second week in a row where a story has grabbed me by the shoulder with one hand and socked me in the gut with the other. The repetitive nature of the prose really works to drive home the narratorís mindset. None of the sad details of his life are laid on particularly thick; when he dreams of his mother and Halloween, itís heartbreaking where other stories mightíve gone too maudlin. I vehemently dislike the end of the story, not because itís bad but because I very much want something different for the narrator. I donít want that 8 year old boy to punctuate in a lonely death (much as the narrator wants it). In terms of prompt use, I think I know what you were going for. According to wikipedia, one of the definitions for ďfurlongĒ is the distance oxen are capable of pulling a plow before rest. The narrator is the ox, his life is his field, and he needs to rest.


Chili

I canít actually put my finger on the particulars of the central conflict here. Are the trees not producing big apples because Pa is gone? Is it because the song was sung late? Because Archie didnít have enough self confidence? Why were the branches suddenly lower at the end? Was it magic? Why does jumping and barely grabbing one apple suddenly give Archie the confidence that heíll be able to harvest the whole bunch?

Every time Archie walks into the house and talks to his mom, he ends up basically turning on his heel and walking back out the door, feeling the opposite to however he felt when he walked in. It was almost a little funny, though I think itís meant to show progression in how heís dealing with the conflict. It was kinda weird with Pa; like, yeah him leaving is sort of the inciting incident, but from a storytelling perspective, you couldíve erased that character completely. Archie couldíve been coming of age as his mother is growing too old or sick to care for the trees. Something like that wouldíve given her a little texture, made her something other than a sounding board for Archieís various tree doubts.

As for prompt use, I think it works. The progression of a fortnight is important to the events of the story.


Thranguy

I like the realism and pacing in this. I think at one point you call Dozan ĎTariqí (right after the narrator realizes that Dozan is Tariq [which my googling tells me probably means he came from a nomadic group]), but otherwise the writing is pleasantly readable as always. This is a deep nitpick but I really didnít like how the ending was lumped into one big paragraph. It kind of made it feel like none of the ending beats got the weight they deserved. My eyes kind of rushed through the text. The use of your prompt, as in the actual currency, was kind of loose but I see that it informed your choice of setting so I think thatís a success.


profane

So, was Dadís plan with the crockpot to have the kids pee in it on the car ride? If so, that bit made me laugh. By the time I got to the part where Dad is talking to the narrator, though, my eyes kind of started to skim. The ending felt like...not a shaggy dog joke, but a long road to a little house. It has a ďpunchlineĒ sort of feel, even though I think this is meant to be a sincere character sketch. Dad seems broken by his wifeís death, but through finding and then growing annoyed by his faith, he recovers a bit of his old self. The narrator is a bit of a non-entity; their relationship to their father is implicit and they donít do much except relay events to us and react to things Dad does. The prompt usage looks good to me--if nothing else, you used it in an unexpected way.


cptn_dr

So, one thing that stuck out to me is that near the end, one of your little italicized sections mentions that people who go nuts in the arctic get such a craving to consume that theyíll eat the first animal or person they come across. I think that added a little ominous note that maybe you didnít add intentionally. Like I read a line like that, I lean in a little closer and keep my eyes peeled for some cannibal action. But no, I think the intent was to show just how strong the human will to survive is. Iíll admit, Iím not a fan of stories where a sort of generic narrator goes through the vivid agony of not dying. The only bit of characterization is that they wanted to explore the arctic, and to some extent I can relate to the idea of finally attaining something youíve wanted, only to get hosed over by it. Itís just that like, enjoyment of this story is contingent on whether you enjoy the writing (itís not bad but there arenít enough unique turns of phrase or unexpected description to let the prose stand alone) or reading about humans discovering the will to survive (I think the human spirit is overrated tbh). I was left feeling rather lukewarm in spite of the frigid setting. Prompt use is a little fuzzy. Distance is certainly a factor here, but the measurement of a league in particular doesnít seem super important. Iíd rather have read about boats or submarines.


Mercedes

This is the first story that started with someone who was down, then really kicked them when they were down, resulting in them going even downer. Geeze. I think I like this story, though itís not without its flaws. This teeters dangerously on the edge of science fiction, but I feel like itís something that could happen in the next few years, so if it were up to me I would give it a pass. Iím curious what our bossjudge will make of it. Thereís actually a lot of heart to this piece, even if it was fairly predictable. The problem is...I have no fuckin idea what the prompt has to do with this piece, so much so that Iím wondering if you even knew you were assigned a rule.


fuschia_tude

I think I like this piece. Itís not overthick with the abuse stuff, but thereís enough there to draw a nice metaphor between the catharsis of neutralizing an abuser and the catharsis of taming a big, wild animal. This is a person finding control and agency again. Iím not sure how I feel about stuff with the sister, other than it provides texture and context. I think going back and forth was probably a good call, though again, i feel like the bits with the sister added some padding that didnít quite cinch up thematically with the other details of the story. The prompt usage was fine--a little obvious, going with a herd of horses, but I think it works because itís not really about the horses.


QPQ

So, Harryís self doubts feel a little bit histrionic. I understand that the pressure to find a career after school can be crippling, and that panic attacks are real things, but that doesnít make them inherently compelling. All he does is sort of wallow around in his misgivings. He decision to finally go outside with matteo doesnít even initially come from any particular motivation--heís just been beating his head against the wall and finally realizes he needs some air. The flimflam with the kid running off to the park creates no drama, offers no revelation to the main character, does little except move Harry from one anonymous locale to another.

I hated the kid. I hate when kids are used as the familial equivalent of the manic pixe dream girl (and believe me, manic pixie dream child is a concept i never thought i would say words about). I feel like Iím getting a really elaborate take on ďstop and smell the rosesĒ, except Harry never has a distinct revelation about time management or self-care. Itís not even clear what effect, if any, his excursion with Matteo will have on his problems.

Overall, this felt like a pretty generic take on a sadly common millennial experience. The problem is, you kind of just set a common experience in front of us and donít do much with it. The prompt use wasnít awful, but it was pretty straightforward and generic. You couldíve replaced the geese with any plant or animal and it wouldíve have had the same effect.


Kaishai

This is a nicely written piece. The emotions in the beginning are very raw, and the portrait of the situation is painted with easy clarity. If newer writers want a lesson in using details to paint a picture, this would be an excellent example. I donít have any crits, per se, except to say that for me, in this week, I was more drawn to catharsis. The end of this story is bittersweet and well done. Still, I felt like it cinched up too neatly at the end. The narrative goes out of its way to remind the reader that Elodieís grief is not over and will never be over, but it ended on such a tidy, positive note that I didnít get that sense of catharsis I was looking for. This was a close contender for the win none the less.

ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.


College Slice

6 me up, man. I need to redeem myself.

Chuf
Jun 28, 2011

I had that weird dream again.


Forgot to say thanks to Djeser for the crit way back on week 304. Frankly after seeing the quality of all the other entries, I was simply glad to avoid the loss. But, there's always this week!

6 am in.

apophenium
Apr 13, 2009

I am a real boy.


I'm in for this week with a for my sixns

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Thanks for the crit SH! And yea, it's real technology https://www.technologyreview.com/s/...-paralysis/amp/

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

ibntumart posted:

6 me up, man. I need to redeem myself.

I rolled an 88 (88) You get the Observatorium Demiplane. There are no websites for it, so I took the liberty of putting the text of the book it comes from here for you to peruse.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Jun 26, 2018 around 15:57

MockingQuantum
Jan 20, 2012


Unlockable Ben

In, 6

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Chuf posted:

Forgot to say thanks to Djeser for the crit way back on week 304. Frankly after seeing the quality of all the other entries, I was simply glad to avoid the loss. But, there's always this week!

6 am in.

I rolled an 89 (89) you get the demiplane of Darksphere https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Darksphere_(3.5e_Location)

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

apophenium posted:

I'm in for this week with a for my sixns

I rolled a 55 (55-56) You get the Bleak Eternity of Gehenna https://planescape-campaign.obsidia...i_pages/gehenna

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer


I rolled a 37 (37-38) You get the Infernal Battlefields of Acheron https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acher...ns_%26_Dragons)

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Alright, gently caress it. I'm in.
9. Yea, I said it.

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Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Mercedes posted:

Alright, gently caress it. I'm in.
9. Yea, I said it.

I rolled an 80(79-80) you get the Negative Energy Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wi...ve_Energy_plane

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