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Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In for my first Thunderdome. Flash me please!

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Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Homebound
1,493 words
Flash Rule: Comin' Home by Murder by Death

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:23

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Week CCCXI: It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools

This week's prompt can be as literal or as metaphorical as you like as long as it features two things: a particular trade or craft and the tools by which said trade/craft is accomplished. Starship repair as the backdrop for mending a broken heart? Go for it. An explanation for why Walmart gift cards are the perfect tool for the spy on the run? Why not. "14 common household items that will make disposing of your next victim a doddle"? Yeah go on then. I'm looking for something interesting or unusual that is then tied into the larger story you're trying to tell.

The usual rules apply: no quote tags, no erotica, no fanfiction, etc.

Flash Rules: ask Judges Sebmojo or Sitting Here for a flash rule at your peril!

Word Limit: 1,250 words
Signup deadline: Friday, 20 July at 11:59pm Pacific Time (US)
Submission deadline: Sunday, 22 July, 11:59pm Pacific Time (US)
In both cases deadlines are a little bit flexible, closing when I wake up the following morning (GMT). Gamble at your peril.

Judges:
Sitting Here
Sebmojo

Entries:
Thranguy - Sebmojo flash rule: the thrill of agony, the victory of defeat
Erainor
Magnificent7 - Sebmojo flash rule: a character has a Burroughsian argumentative anus
SkaAndScreenplays -
Chuf
MockingQuantum - - Sitting Here flash rule: Yes it will as you reach out for where it's at, only to find when your where it's at, it isn't where it's at, at all
Antinvehicular
Crabrock -
Pham Nuwen
Lippincott
Flynn - Sitting Here flash rule: "And remembering so well that the hand that brittles the rock can certainly roll the world"
Kaishai

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jul 21, 2018 around 08:33

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Sitting Here posted:

I'll help judge, if you like

That would be very much appreciated, thank you.

If anyone else wants to grab the other judge slot, just shout out.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Boss judge here: nah, this is all going good. I appreciate the help - I was not prepared to win!

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


My bad, noted.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Entries closed.

Get writing folks.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Okay folks, submissions are now closed.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Week 311 Results - From Apprentice to Master

This week saw an interesting batch of stories that went places with the week’s theme that I wasn’t expecting, so thanks for that! Unfortunately if there was an unofficial secondary theme this week it was “not quite sticking the landing”. A whole lot of interesting stories that just fell a bit flat towards the end.

First up: disqualifications. SkaAndScreenplay, MockingQuantum, Chuf and magnificent7 are a sorry lot who shame their craft. SkaAndScreenplay and MockingQuantum in particular – there are better ways to contribute to Lowtax’s boneitis fund than this.

Crabrock: it’s a dangerous game you’re playing submitting that late but this week, at least, it’s paid off. This was a fun, quick read that had just enough charm to spare you the judges’ wrath. You just saved yourself .

Next up: this week’s loser is Erainor. Rien lawyered sexily onto the page before suddenly she was teleported to a cold and dank prison cell. Unfortunately in-between was a mound of rushed exposition hiding some good ideas. Better luck next time.

The dishonourable mention goes to Lippincott. Parenting as a trade or skill is exactly the sort of non-obvious take on the theme I was hoping for. Sadly a lack of polish and some truly unbelievable dialogue did not help your execution.

Pham Nuwen, Kaishai and Thranguy – you all had enjoyable enough stories but nothing that sizzled.

This week’s honourable mention goes to Antivehicular. Some clever, brief worldbuilding led to a fictional trade and tools that felt real. I would like to see more.

That means this week’s winner is Invisible Clergy! That goddamn pun in the title was outshone by a strong narrative arc, interesting take on the trade/tools theme and some nice, clear writing. The ending was a bit wobbly but that was pretty much par for the course this week. Good job! Another first-time winner, this time matched with a first-time loser. Grab your theme and your co-judges and have at it!

A big thanks to assistant judges sebmojo and Sitting Here. I’ll post some crits when I get a chance later.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


With absolutely no idea of what the theme will be I'm in - hit me with a flash rule too!

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Week 311 Crits

Erainor - Uradriendra

This felt like exposition rather than a story. It was like something an NPC in Skyrim would tell me before giving me a quest. And it's all just a little bit too cliché. Sexy blonde lawyer, demon lawyer... and I mean that's before getting to things like "666 souls" or "Gabe".

I got a sense of enthusiasm from the story but it was like you were really excited to tell me about an awesome new bit of lore you came up with for your next DnD campaign but never stopped to consider why I should care. "This happened then this happened then this happened. The end. No moral!"

Tell me about how Rien convinced clients to sign the contract. Tell me about the tricks she uses to ensure a "not guilty" outcome. Tell me why a demon loves Starbucks. Tell me why the "most deranged serial killer of the modern era" presumably just strangles people (and only 13 at that).

Still, you got words down on a page.

Pham Nuwen - Regular cleanings are essential to good oral health

The dialogue felt natural and I really liked how you switched between the two scenes. The dentist's office scene acted as a nice balance to the rising tension of the flashback. The imagery, as others have noted, works well.

I guess I was just expecting a bit ... more. My notes while reading this go from "this is building up to something cool" to "oh that's the end" in the space of a paragraph. I mean, from the gum cleaning imagery I get that the cycle with the brother is just something routine and dragging that has to be suffered through but at the end of the day there's no confrontation, just the brother being kicked out while at work. It felt like a missed opportunity.

The characterisation was solid though. I really got a sense of history between the two without anything having to be explicitly spelled out.

Antivehicular - Respect for the Dead

The opening dialogue attribution is a little unclear. After that, though, you do a very efficient job of setting the scene - you pack a lot of worldbuilding into a very few details. My notes picked up on the boarded-up window early on and said it was out of place in contrast to the rest of the scene - then it all clicked later on.

I mentioned it in the judgepost but you did a very good job of taking a fictional trade and made up tools and making them feel very real. It helps to make a story that boils down to "man gives lecture on tools" feel grounded and, well, important.

The dialogue is a bit clunky throughout and the ending felt slightly rushed but the little things like the "Dignity Society" implied just enough of a world for my imagination to fill in the blanks.

Lippincott - 3 Hours

The very first thing on the page is dialogue that isn't very well attributed. It's a little thing that stands out more because it's literally the first thing you see. After that the dialogue really holds things back. The children don't sound like children, they sound like cartoon cavemen. I think it would help in future if you read your dialogue out loud to yourself because some of it just ... grates. I actually liked some of the non-dialogue lines more - "Chad asks if Mickey Mouse will be there." is a great comic beat that didn't need a response.

As I mentioned before, I liked that you went with something other than the obvious for the theme. It just felt a bit unclear what the tools of parenting here were - treats? The quiet game?

The ending was a real swerve as well. All of the tension you had built up was dissipated when the protagonist just ... buys a nicer car. When you're turning off the highway I thought "oh hey we're off to McDonalds/etc." continuing the theme of food as a parenting tool. That could have been a nice ending - the kids finally shut up giving the mum a moment of quiet to reflect and develop as a character, giving us the ending scene.

You had a good idea but it could have just used another editing pass or two.

Thranguy - Tradecraft

You had a strong opening scene and some tight action afterwards. In addition, I may be biased but this was a great take on the week's theme. One of the notes I made was "Aww yeah McGuyver this poo poo the gently caress up for me" with the introduction of the tacti-cool paperclip.

The "shirts and skins" thing could have been a little bit tighter but I have no real complaints. The ending was a bit unclear, though. I got it but it took a couple of readings to work out what was going on.

I keep going back and forth on whether this would have worked better with a normal paperclip but that's just me being me. I liked the larger picture with the protagonist essentially being a tool himself. A solid effort.

Invisible Clergy - Live and Let Dye

That loving pun.

I found the ultra-short paragraphs at the start a little bit grating but it's not unbearable. The little scraps of information built up a larger picture of the protagonist and her situation without having to explicitly spell it out.

I liked the blending of traditional and modern that runs throughout the whole thing. Just the idea of someone going "yeah I'll put a hex on them just let me get my PPE".

You won this week because there wasn't a whole lot to criticise but like a lot of the other stories the ending was a little weak. Because we don't know anything about how prevalent or public magic is we don't know what the significance of the police arriving is. If magic is public knowledge then yeah, the protagonist is in deep poo poo. If not then she's pretty drat safe and her reaction to the police is very different - unless you want to make the ending more about her realisation of what she's done, rather than fear of being arrested.

Kaishai – Gifts of the Gods

I like the concept for the story but the setting just feels a little loose. A little bit more background, a little bit more context and the whole thing would have felt much more grounded. This is probably the most traditional take on the craftsman theme and the characterisation of the protagonist fits that nicely. Little bits of the dialogue - like "Without regret!" - really help build up the characters.

A little more time spent in the middle of the story would have helped. As it is, Gregoire felt just a little too quick to leave (as did the birds at the end).

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Family comes first
1,482
Flash rule: must contain the word "ramshackle".


Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:25

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In for team were-beast please.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


The Chase
1,184 words
Were-Creature: Antelope

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:26

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Uranium Phoenix posted:

The Chase
Initial Impressions: John is superultramarathoning and he has a ghostbro. But chasing something? Man 30 hours is a long-rear end time to run. So why is he chasing the wereantelope (spoilers)? Wow this dude is littering? Not cool. This antelope sucks rear end if it’s letting a human catch up to it. Really long chase. Anything else? A reason? Anything about these characters? Wait, the quarry is a man? You called him a ‘young buck’ earlier, ‘quarry,’ and he was tracking ‘prints,’ and he even sees them but you don’t describe him as a person. And why does he have an entire ghost-family. Antelope have horns not antlers. Ugh.
Story Success: This is a sports story. People are doing those insane marathon races. Antelope man fuckin’ owns everyone because, well, he cheats. Honestly, he must have gone easy because antelope can cover insane ground in no time. Meanwhile, John’s ghostfamily watches. BUT WHY? You can’t just have a random ghost family!! The conflict is ‘how is this guy beating me, John Supermarathoner?’ and the answer is ‘weremagic!’ So… what? There’s almost nothing here, just a description of this long-rear end race. In service to what? The climax is ‘oh he’s a deer-thing’ and the resolution is ‘he won’t make eye contact.’ There are no characters because no one is characterized. Everything is about John’s race, so we learn nothing about his relation with the only other possible character, his dead ghost-bro. When you get a recurring character like that, I assume they serve some sort of purpose in the story! He does not. Are werepeople normal? John gets surprised, but doesn’t mention anything at the end? What is the point of this story? The message? I got nothing. Also, all the descriptors you use imply he is chasing prey, but I didn’t even know the guy he was chasing was a man until he transformed, so I was not surprised.
Other notes: Again, you introduce a ghost-family and they do nothing. Why. The race is hurt by the fact that the reader has no stakes in it. Why is it important to John? This is never addressed, and so it’s hard to care about it. I thought the ghost-family might tie into that, but no. The conclusion just is, it doesn’t really resolve anything or feel satisfying. I could read into that, or conjure up some themes, but I don’t really feel they’re intentional.
Did U Read The Prompt: Sure. It’s not well integrated though, just a little moment that the story doesn’t explore at all. It could be replaced by any other non-foreshadowed revelation that gives a guy a speed boost. Like rocket pants, or steroids.
Rating: 3.5 (This narrowly avoided a DM)

Thanks for the crit. Ghost family was supposed to be fatigue-induced hallucinations with a whole thing about him doubting what he's seeing and long story short I bit off way more than I could chew in multiple ways. I'll go back to basics for the next one.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Poison and Honey
1,280 words


Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:27

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In. And why not - hit me with a flash rule too.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Resonance
Flash rule: Your story must take place in a prison or jail.
1,186 words

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:28

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Week CCCXVI: Measure Twice, Cut Once

This week's prompt centers around the proverb measure twice, cut once. That means three things:
  1. Preparation (or lack thereof) for a significant moment or action;
  2. The moment or action itself; and
  3. The outcome and consequences of the moment or action.

How do your characters prepare? What does this say about them? What do they learn from the outcome? These are all questions that I will probably come back and edit once I'm not rushing out the door to work. Want to flip it around and show the consequences of "measure once, cut twice" or "cut once, measure twice"? Go for it.

The usual rules apply: no quote tags, erotica, fanfic, Google Docs, etc. As always, volunteer judges are welcome.

Word Count: 1,200 words

If you want you can request a flash rule, given by whichever judge gets round to it first.

Sign-Up Deadline: 23:59 EST, 24 August 2018
Submission Deadline: 23:59 EST, 26 August 2018

Judges
- Staggy
- Fumblemouse
- Bad Seafood

Entrants
- Ashwat (Flash Rule: Your story must take place during a torrential thunderstorm.)
- Invisible Clergy
- SkaAndScreenplays
- Thranguy (Flash Rule: Two of your characters must absolutely despise one another.)
- Bacon Terrorist (Flash Rule: Whatever your character is trying to do means everything to them but nothing to anyone else.)
- Spectres of Autism
- Lippincott (Flash Rule: Your story must feature a race against the clock.)
- AllNewJonasSalk (Flash Rule: Your story must have multiple characters, none of whom know each other.)
- Yoruichi (Flash Rule: Your story must take place at dawn.)
- Sebmojo (Flash Rule: Your story must take place during a roadtrip.)
- Flesnolk (Flash Rule: Your main protagonist is motivated mainly by fear.)
- Kaishai

Staggy fucked around with this message at Aug 25, 2018 around 08:49

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


I will be doing flash rules, I was just in a rush to get the prompt up this morning. I'll flesh things out this evening.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Ashwat posted:

Woohoo, thanks for the crits! That gives me a lot to chew on about my writing.

Edit: I'm in for the next round as well. Are we allowed to ask for flash rules each week or is that something the judges decide on beforehand if they're going to do or not?

I read this as an implied request for a flash rule but let me know if that's not the case. Otherwise, your flash rule is Your story must take place during a torrential thunderstorm.

Thranguy posted:

In and flash

Two of your characters must absolutely despise one another.

Bacon Terrorist posted:

In and I definitely need a flash.

Whatever your character is trying to do means everything to them but nothing to anyone else.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Lippincott posted:

In with a request for a flash rule, please.

Your story must feature a race against the clock.

AllNewJonasSalk posted:

Hello! I've been here before. Last time I signed up I failed to submit. It was shameful and I stayed up late at night for two days thinking about my failure but life is hard and sometimes poo poo happens and then ends with you in a jail cell, eating breakfast at four in the morning while your heroin addled celly shits his brains out.

All of that was to say that I want IN with a toxx and a sexy flash rule.

Your story must have multiple characters, none of whom know each other.

Yoruichi posted:

In, flash please

Your story must take place at dawn.

sebmojo posted:

ys, in, flash me up plx

Your story must take place during a roadtrip.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Flesnolk posted:

Let’s try this again since I’m not on painkillers

In, flash

Your main protagonist is motivated mainly by fear.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Fumblemouse posted:

Hey Staggy - If you still need another judge, I'm your rodent.

Bad Seafood posted:

I would also like to offer my services as a judge.

Thanks! Glad to have you both on board.

To everyone else - you have a little under 7 hours left to sign up. Sign-ups after the deadline may be accepted, on condition of a mandatory and probably very unwieldy flash rule.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Submissions are now closed - get writing!

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Submissions are now closed.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Week 316 - Results

Okay, this was a bit of a mixed bag this week. The judges couldn't really agree on much - to the point that one judge's winner was another's loser and vice-versa. Both Fumblemouse and Bad Seafood were of great help but at the end of the day I had to bring together a final decision.

First up: the people who failed to submit. Come on.

The loser this week is AllNewJonasSalk with Boom Room. Although short and refreshingly strange I'm really not seeing the prompt connection.

The dishonorable mention goes to spectres of autism with Myocardia. This was a trip and a half and I can definitely see the appeal of the sheer strength of the weirdness but it's all just a bit too much. This was one of the more polarising entries, to say the least.

I'm giving the honorable mention to Thranguy with Seeds. Some great descriptions and really cool ideas that just needed a little more to tie them together.

The win this week goes to Yoruichi with Heights. You crammed some strong background detail and worldbuilding in very efficiently and dealt with both the prompt and your flash rule really well. Congratulations! Take the jump elevator up to your seat on the blood throne!

I'll have crits up in the next day or two.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In, flash rule please.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Crits for last week

Ashwat - Rushed Rites
  • It might be a bit blunt but I like the opening. It sets the scene very efficiently
  • I’m not sure you actually explain how the others died. They were at the tent “after those bastards surprised us”. If they were there AFTER the ambush then … what? How did they die? I mean, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but its annoying. Seriously, change “after” to “when”. Job done.
  • I like the characterisation in the paragraph starting “Aleius watched”. I got a very strong sense of what a lazy little poo poo the protagonist is, which obviously sets things up later.
  • I keep going back and forth on how believable I find Aleius’ scepticism. Magic is clearly acknowledged, so why not necromancy?
  • I feel like a little expanding on how the crystal is charged/changed here would help. Why not just take a spare with him? Show us what needs to be done to drive home how much he screws up by not doing it.
  • Your narrative arc was strong in its simplicity. Protagonist is lazy -> half-asses job -> gets comeuppance. For a short story, simple is good.
  • Your writing was clear and descriptive throughout.

Yoruichi - Heights
  • Your opening paragraph established background, setting and motivation in ~100 words. That’s impressively efficient.
  • I’m struggling to find anything to say for your first half-zone paragraphs or so. It’s clean and clear writing that does the job well.
  • I thought you built Sven into the story in a very effective manner. We don’t get a bloated run-down of all his achievements - we get shown, not told, that he’s famous and talented and sort of oblivious to it.
  • I liked how you worked the prompt in - preparation can only take you so far and eventually you need real-world experience.
  • We don’t really get a clear moment of growth for the protagonist. They panic on the first jump and don’t on the second. I think you could have done more here.
  • I liked the setting. It made me think of the sort of extreme-scale sport you’d find in The Culture.

AllNewJonasSalk - BoomRoom
  • I did a double-take when I saw your word-count. There’s nothing wrong with going super short and to be honest the snappy writing made it quite a refreshing read.
  • The actual content though … I mean, the first paragraph is a hell of a hook.
  • The tone of the second paragraph is a bit jarring. I get what you were going for but the rest of the story is quite clean and clinical. If it had all been low-key seedy like this then maybe it would have worked.
  • I have no idea where the prompt is supposed to come in. Flash rule, yes. Prompt, no.
  • That’s five questions, not four.
  • I have no idea what any of this was supposed to be.
  • It feels like you got part-way through, got stuck and decided to just kill the protagonist to force an ending.

Spectres of autism - Myocardia
  • This was a trip and a half to read.
  • This was a very difficult story to parse and while I realise that’s sort of the point/somewhat inevitable I feel like you could have clarified it a little bit.
  • For all that Mao feels trapped in an uncaring world she doesn’t really seem to react when Mahalia gets taken.
  • I think this would work better as a longer story. That or take out one or two ideas and expand on what’s left. There’s a hell of a lot crammed in, to the point that the loose worldbuilding crowds out an actual story.
  • Changed my mind - going for a confusing and chaotic world isn't a licence to have impenetrable prose.

Lippincott - Map-Reading
  • For someone who has obsessed over the weight of their pack - and had their partner double-check - it feels weird to be given a vague “about thirty eight pounds” figure.
  • Look, I work at a company where we’re encouraged not to use contractions. That means when I read dialogue - like here - where common contractions like “we’re” or “what’s” aren’t used it reads as deliberately formal. Which doesn’t seem to be the intention here.
  • Has the protagonist actually gone hiking on their own before? Hell, have they done it at all in the past year with their partner? I don’t get the sense that they have, which jars with the obsessing over preparation.
  • “for all he good it does”. Sorry but it jumped out at me.
  • I feel like the map and compass could have been introduced earlier. As it is, there’s not a huge amount of tension - the protagonist uses the map and compass to walk to a road. The fire doesn’t come in early or strong enough to feel like an obstacle for the protagonist to overcome as opposed to window-dressing.
  • In general, there’s not a lot of challenge beyond the hike being more difficult than expected. That, expanded into a full story with specific obstacles to overcome, could have been a fun story. As it is, it feels almost sidetracked by the fire.
  • Good use of the prompt - I liked how you contrasted being over-prepared with an event that you can’t fully prepare for.

Thranguy - Seeds
  • I like your opening paragraph. I really, really like it. It’s some very solid descriptive work and it instantly hooked me.
  • I’m a sucker for mixing the magic and the mundane and I liked how you established that as the setting with two lines - one about the airplane bottle and the other about the tablet/wire transfer - without beating the reader over the head with it.
  • The first scene change is where things start to break down a little. The transitions felt jarring, like there wasn’t enough tying the scenes together into a cohesive whole.
  • Take the scene with the gods - yes, by the end you can go back and see how it connects but it feels tangential.
  • I feel like you had three solid ideas but didn’t quite manage to mesh them into a cohesive whole. Seriously, magical torture potions & revenge? Solid. Goddess of Capitalism v God of Revolutions? Solid. The death of the soul in modern life? Solid.
  • Solid writing, good use of the prompt and flash rule but it tries to cram a bit too much into the wordcount.

Kaishai - Planning and Action
  • You wrote kids well. That’s an achievement by itself. You got lovely and childish without being cliché or patronising.
  • I just feel like the setup with the contraption is a bit of a red herring. It’s the sort of ridiculous idea you could see kids putting way too much effort into and when I thought that was where the story was going I was totally on board. When that got dismissed I lost a bit of interest.
  • The ending felt a little “after school special” but it worked. Again, you wrote a conflict and resolution that felt believable and meaningful for kids. That’s difficult, to say the least.
  • The p.o.v. character is very passive barring the initial punch. That’s fine. But when Mazda comes across as so much more interesting and proactive I can’t help but wonder why the story isn’t from her perspective.
  • It’s a well written, solid story - it just suffered from brushing up against other, potentially more interesting stories.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Fast Talk
Flash Rule: The only one who doesn't actually care.
1,207 words

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:33

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Running Up That Hill
1,061 words
Miserable, determined


Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:34

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


I'm in.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Pretty Corp
839 words

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:37

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Slow Sigh
Object: deflated basketball
630 words

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:38

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Thranguy posted:

Interprompt

Stories from the point of view of an abstract concept. No anthropomorphism. I mean, you can write from the pov of the concept of anthropomorphisn itself, But don't, you know, anthropomorphize it.

250 words

Tedium

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:39

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


In.

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Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes


Safe Harbour
668 Words
An old wooden dock

Read it at the archive.

Staggy fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2019 around 21:40

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