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Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Vampire me

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Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Can I just check: with the new prompt are we supposed to be writing this in first person or free to do as we choose?

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Uranium Phoenix posted:

Signups are now closed, for real. Please make your stories good, tia. For the record, good is the opposite of bad. Do not make your stories bad. A lot of people get confused on that one.

Ive got 700 words of hot dog poo poo, wish I was joking

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


I apologise in advance for those who bother reading this.

Home Field Advantage

Strength: Your Vampire is invisible at night

Weakness: Your vampire burns in moonlight the way traditional vampires burn in sunlight

Word Count: 999


Woodsmoke sated the air, cloying Remi’s senses. The distant firelight a beacon Remi would answer the only way he knew how. He raced through the trees toward it, pulling up short outside the ring of firelight. Men sat in front of a pickup truck by the fire, drinking from silver cans and talking. Remi did not bother to eavesdrop, simply strode into the firelight towards them. The distance closed, twenty yards, ten, five. A twig hidden in the surface mud cracked underfoot. He paused, the two men instinctively looking round at the source of the sound. They both stared hard, the stare of those who believe themselves too old to be afraid of the dark and yet never quite forget that fear. Slowly the first man regained his composure and relaxed, a cue that left the second man feel foolish for staring longer. They both took another swig of their drinks.

Remi stood behind the closest man, reached out with both arms and violently twisted his neck. The man’s vertebrae clicked and crunched appallingly, his face frozen in shock as he fell to the floor. His companion started ‘Jerry?! Jerry?! What the hell!’ rushing to kneel beside him. Remi repositioned himself, looming over the second man. A silent inhalation, moistened the lips, Remi struck. Before the man registered the feeling Remi grasped his hair in an iron grip whilst sinking his teeth into the jugular, lips forming a seal around the wound. Remi drank deep, the man eyes rolling wildly as he flailed, unable to locate his attacker. Remi’s thirst was hard to slake, taking more and more blood in larger draws, like a child emptying a juice carton. The man was no longer a man, just a crumpled pale husk. Remi greedily took the last drops and savoured them like a fine wine, rolling them about his palate.

Behind him, the engine of the pickup truck roared to life, huge rubber tyres spinning in the dust. Remi turned to see an abandoned silver van on the ground in the truck’s wake. The truck could not be allowed to leave. Remi discarded his victim and started through the trees, hoping to cut off the dirt track road the truck would be speeding along. He tore through the brush, where his approach had been light before now it was a terrifying din of thrashing vines and breaking branches. Remi felt the crest of the hill beneath his feet and started careering down the other side, the thrum of the pick up engine increasing as it approached. Remi pushed himself to move faster, seeing the flow of the head lights approaching he waited until the last second and pounced from the darkness onto the rear of the passing truck, his landing clattering against steel panels.

The driver was another man, the clattering causing a wild and terrified gaze in rear view mirror. Remi pulled himself toward the cab, grasping for the rear window. He managed to prise it open, causing the driver to scream in terror. The driver tried to jam the window shut again with one hand, causing the truck to veer wildly on the bumpy road. Branches raked the truck as the driver thrashed at the window to keep it closed, his driving strategy seemingly to drive faster and pay less attention to the road. Remi hunched down to avoid the potential leaf slapping, pinning himself against the cab panel to think plan his next move. It occurred to Remi that he needed to resolve this now, before the truck cleared the woods. Remi grabbed the driver’s side of the truck and limbered himself up with feline grace. With a swift heave he propelled himself from the rear and twisted his position in mid air, crashing through the driver’s door window. The driver didn’t even register the impact, he had been frantically looking in his rear mirror while still bracing the cab rear window.

The truck veered right as the wheel jerked with Remi’s arrival, he reached out to course correct but saw already that it was too late: a fallen log lay at the side of the road directly in their path. The truck couldn’t scale such an obstacle at high speed, instead it cartwheeled through the tree line like a matchbox toy. Steel wrought and glass shattered, the stink of petrol overwhelming as it sprayed out in an orgy of destruction. The truck bounced and bucked on the rocky undergrowth, coming to a stop upside down in a clearing.

The truck veered right as the wheel jerked with Remi’s arrival, he reached out to course correct but saw already that it was too late: a fallen log lay at the side of the road directly in their path. The truck couldn’t scale such an obstacle at high speed, instead it cartwheeled through the tree line like a matchbox toy. Steel wrought and glass shattered, the stink of petrol overwhelming as it sprayed out in an orgy of destruction. The truck bounced and bucked on the rocky undergrowth, coming to a stop upside down in a clearing. The man awoke first, raw panic giving him the strength to clamber free of the wreckage and drag himself across the clearing. Remi awoke, the steering column impaled in his chest. Now he needed to feed again to repair the massive damage he had suffered. Remi lifted himself off the steering column and began crawling after the man, reaching beyond the cab before snatching his hand back immediately. Silvery light flooded the clearing. His mortal enemy had come to his door at his lowest ebb. There was no choice to be made now, death by omission or death by design. Remi dragged himself out of the truck giving chase to his prey, his entire body beginning to burn. Remi screamed despite himself but kept crawling after the man. The man glanced back to finally see his pursuer: a wraith that seemed to be on burning and melting at the same time.

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Uranium Phoenix posted:

I apologise in advance for those who bother reading this: Home Field Advantage
Initial Impressions: Please for gently caress’s sake do not ever begin your story with an apology. Please. It has, in the entire history of all of humanity, never benefited anyone to prelude their writing with how bad it is, and there’s a reason the OP tells you not to do it. Okay, if I didn’t know he was invisible at night, the first two paragraphs would be confusing. Your story should not rely on the reader knowing your prompt. “an abandoned silver van on the ground in the truck’s wake”—what? Chase scene. So why is it bad if he escapes? Everything is trivial for Remi so I’m bored. *As Remi clings to a truck going 50 mph through the woods, smashing into branches* “It occurred to Remi that he needed to resolve this now”—this is murdering any possible tension in what is supposed to be a climax. This is a slasher film, except from the perspective of the killer who has superpowers. Not a fan of the ending.
Story Success: Imagine this story from the perspective of the truck diver. He watches his friends get instagibbed by a supervampire, then realizes it’s caught up to him. Maybe as he’s wildly swerving around, he notices a beam of moonlight reveal and burn a part of the vampire (foreshadowing your conclusion instead of springing it on us with no build up—seriously, the conclusion of a story should follow logically, not come from nowhere), so the protagonist heads for the edge of the woods, wrecks the car, then we see the vampire die from his perspective. There is absolutely no need to leave a cliff-hanger conclusion when you’ve got 200 300 words left to play with (see below). Also, swapping the perspective solves a key problem: When the main character of your story, say, the only one with a name, has superpowers and seems unstoppable, there is no tension in the story. It’s like Superman beating up a common criminal, but that’s the entire movie. That’s a key problem, because ‘action’ is your entire story, so the stakes of the action (what are the stakes? there are no stakes!) and the tension from worrying about the character (usually an underdog) is what makes the story good. This story also fails as a slasher genre for the same reason “Friday the 13th” wasn’t from the perspective of Jason. Finally, your characters have no personality. We know nothing about them as unique individuals or their history, etc. Start the story with friends catching up, make them relatable, talking over their troubles, then build tension by them figuring out they’re being stalked, and now we have sympathy for the victims and care about their fate. Also you repeat an entire paragraph. Please please proofread! That is one of many, many errors.
Other notes: If you do want to keep this from Remi’s perspective, you need to have some sort of reason he’s an underdog, or why it’s important the 3rd victim cannot escape. Maybe he’s starving, or the moon comes into play earlier, or these are actually vampire hunters, whatever.
Did U Read The Prompt: Yeah, but none of your powers or weaknesses are explained in story. Read your story like the person doesn’t know your vamp is invisible at night. You do not mention the word ‘invisible’ once in your entire story. It is not clear at all that he’s invisible, and the moonlight weakness is dropped at the end instead of foreshadowed.
Rating: 3



Thanks for the crit, the only way is up I guess!

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


In. Do I have to ask fo a flash rule immediately or can I ask for one if I’m struggling in a day or two?

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Prompt: Ships Passing In The Night

Words: 900

’Close Encounters’

Carl slowly put his foot down, the V8 engine responding with ever louder growls that reverberated through the night and tingled his spine. The needle of the speedometer traced across the gauge, an equation made physical as Carl kept racing down the straight. His heart raced along with the engine, finally he had restored his grandfather’s ‘69 Dodge Charger to it’s former glory! A warm glow spread throughout his body, only to drain away as suddenly as it arrived as he suddenly smelt burning. The meteoric rise of the speedometer needle was now crashing back down to earth. The engine began to labour and juddered to a halt, Carl letting the car coast to a halt at the side of the road.

Carl popped the hood and took a look. Smoke billowed out, escaping into the cool night air. Despite that, Carl could see it wasn’t too bad, it would require a simple fix - if only he had come prepared. With a sigh, he pulled his phone from his pocket and called for road side assistance. He felt his ears burn as he described the problem to the operator, then hung up and awaited his saviour.

Carl resisted the urge to take his phone out again while passing the time, instead opting to enjoy the night sky and stargaze. It was a clear night, stars spread wide across the night sky in every direction. Carl had picked the route as the best road to test the Charger because it was a long straight. Wheat fields flanked the tarmac which afforded him a magnificent view now that he had come to appreciate it.

Carl tried to remember the name of constellations he learned from his grandfather but struggled after the obvious Orion. A rumble in the distance caught his attention and he looked back down the road to see headlights approaching from a distance. He sat and watched as the tow truck rolled slowly past and parked in front of the Charger. The truck driver’s door opened and the driver jumped down - a woman with long dark hair. Carl judged her to be a similar age to herself, she wore grease monkey overalls with the name ‘Sarah’ embroidered on them.

‘Pushed it too far?’ She asked without any greeting. ‘Yeah I guess,’ Carl replied sheepishly. Sarah was already under the hood and muttering to herself, before returning to the cab of her truck. Carl felt awkward, he wasn’t sure where he was supposed to stand, like when he had a contractor in the house doing maintenance work. Sarah came back with a large rusty tool box, started digging through the contents within noisily. She produced a large wrench and a grimy bolt, then disappeared back under the hood.

The engine protested as the screech of tortured metal rang out, Carl flinched but resolved not to watch the gory detail. Sarah emerged from the hood again with a grin. ‘That will get you home, you’ll need a part before you take her out again though. I suggest keeping a toolbox in the trunk for such occasions as this,’ and walked back to the truck. Carl followed her, where he was presented with a tablet to give his electronic signature. An awkward finger squiggle later, Sarah asked ‘you can pay now or I can email you the bill?’ ‘I’ll pay now thanks.’ Carl pulled his phone out of his jeans again and initiated the transfer, the two of them stood awkwardly as the processing symbol span round and round.

The symbol began to spin so long Carl figured the transaction might have crashed. He smiled apologetically at Sarah but she wasn’t looking at him, her gaze was fixed beyond him. He turned to follow her line of sight but couldn’t see what she was looking at. Just empty road, fields, stars... and a shooting star! A streak of white brilliance traced it’s way across the sky, leaving a tail of stardust in it’s wake. Carl was about to turn back to Sarah, but as he made the move he stopped. The shooting star made a ninety-degree turn in the sky. Where it had traced across the horizon from their position, it now rocketed towards them.

Carl was no expert on celestial phenomena but he was pretty sure that wasn’t usual. The star kept coming, Carl couldn’t judge what speed it was approaching at except ‘rapidly’. It now seemed the star was directly following the road below it, the road they stood on. A rumble like thunder grew, a murmur at first, until it was a nonstop defeating growl. The star raced onwards, 50 metres away, 30, 10... Carl and Sarah stood transfixed, both staring upwards as the star passed over them. The roar was deafening, the light pulsed almost blinding Carl. His eyes hurt from the dazzling, he felt like his ear drums would burst. Then nothing.

The star passed them, disappearing as quickly as it appeared. Carl and Sarah stood motionless. Carl felt the chill of the night come over him, a feint smell of sulphur lingering in the air. He looked at his phone, a green tick displaying the transaction was successful. He showed Sarah who simply nodded, got in her truck and drove away. Carl remained static, watching her progress until she disappeared. Carl sat on the hood on the Charger and studied the constellations with renewed interest.

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Thanks for the crits!

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Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


In and I definitely need a flash.

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