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who wants a fight - no-one who's brawled me before
sebmojo fucked around with this message at 12:55 on Dec 11, 2018 |
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Dec 11, 2018 12:51
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Gimme 2 flash rules  sebmojo fucked around with this message at 12:24 on Dec 12, 2018 |
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Dec 12, 2018 08:55
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crits for raygun week La Familia Orfeo The words in this are put together adequately, though there’s a clunkiness to the description, particularly at the outset - I think you’re trying to do too much with a single sort of unpacked moment. She’s been around for two months, and presumably would have seen this stuff arrive, so why is she surprised about it now? The idea, of bringing back ghosts is potentially interesting but you don’t make much of it other than I REALLY LOVE U and I REALLY LOVE U 2. You try and give the characters some qualities but it’s unfelt, because it doesn’t manifest through action. What actually happens? A family tells their beloved aunt they love her, the end. That’s not interesting. I know it’s not the story you wanted to tell, but it would be actully more interesting if they brought her back to do the opposite. What if different members of the family wanted different things? The overall impression is one of mushy blandness. Vanity Fatigue This is a really strong and well-executed conceit that falters at the end, as you probably know. The language is very precise, and I like the little obsessions the mirror displays - there are a bunch of clever tricks of phrasing and repetition that establish a strong character, and the triangle of mirror man woman (maybe two women, i don’t think you specify) is neat. So it’s sad when you muff the ending - I may be missing something but the burns on the main person is out of nowhere and doesn’t really make either literal or metaphorical sense, unless it’s the straightforward beauty is skin deep thing. The last bit of dialogue is kind of ploddy and bland too. I’m landing on it hard because I liked the rest a lot, but this doesn’t land for all its immense charm and breezy style. The edge of gorrin The problem with this is that it’s just dull. Two dull randos I don’t care about discuss a dull beastie of some kind (don’t care) that will revitalise the flagging fortunes of a dull town that I also don’t care about. Various small, dull things happen, none of which I care about. At the end the protagonist decides to go away and find a more interesting story to be in. There’s a vague hint that the protag isn’t choosing to be at the beck and call of no stinkin’ man, but this is expressed by doing what the man asks and then leaving in a mild, dull huff. Also: it’s is only ever short for ‘it is’, fyi. Wants There’s an ESL oddness to the language here - ‘rudy’ instead of ‘ruddy’, mischieved is an odd verb though not unflavoursome, ‘the morning lights’ is weird (don’t need the ‘s’), The Mother would not normally capitalise the ‘T’. However there is a more fundamental problem with the story which is that it sets up a bunch of dominos, each of which might be the point of the story, then doesn’t really knock any of them down in any satisfying fashion. You’ve got your Portentoustly Capitalised Mythic Figure, you’ve got your array of unnamed sprites (who I kind of like, their chit chat has some charm) and they ask for a name and get told nope. That’s it, and it’s possible I’m missing something clever but I don’t think I am. I think you could have made a nice little parable about the meaning and power of names and with the raw materials, but the sprites’ request is sort of shrugged away so it doesn’t even do that, so we’re left with a signifier that don’t signify. Lizat I confess I saved you from the loss here, and I hope a reread doesn’t make me change my mind about that. Let’s see: naw, yeah, that’s a decent story. You made an unnecessarily bold decision to not have any paragraphs, which I don’t think quite adds enough to warrant the annoyance, but the creepy yet weirdly tender idea is very strong, and the way you introduce the dastardly corporation’s ultimate crime of making people love it by addicting people to alien wasp drugs is really clever. It’s got a nice conversational rhythm to it that would have read fine with paras, though there is a little merit in having it as a big chunk, adds some intensity to the speaking. It also raises some interesting issues about emotional reality that I think it leaves at the right point - if you really feel an emotion, what does that mean? And of course the deliciously evil idea of monetising that is the payload of the story, which gets delivered adroitly. I might even have argued to HM this if the other judges hadn’t had such a dislike to it. The House on Lindworm Street I like the confidence of how this one starts a ways away from its central conceit. 1000 words is basically nothing, and it’s generally a good idea to start with some kind of bang, but this one is all dum de doo don’t mind me just a day in the life of mild manner school librarian Ms Hastings then it just sliiiides into its genuinely widescreen Idea and brings the reader along with admirable grace and precision. The one thing I don’t like as much is that she made herself forget about the dragon - I think you could have done something more interesting there, which you touch on when all the dragons appear. Can humans even hold the idea of dragons in their head? There’s a kind of rhyme with the collection of ideas in a library, hmm. So it’s a great idea, well developed. I don’t like the final line though - it’s a I WOULD NEVER FORGET THAT SUMMER LINE and it belongs in a much worse story. You could have almost ended on the line before - story’s done its job, find a nice suspension and bow out. Still, a deserved win. Charm Sellers Slick as hell opener, I particularly like the parts of speech separating - yeah adverbs get down low like the dirty creatures u are - but I’m not sure this really good for the word cheque it tries to present. You sit in your vernacular real smoothly, of course, and the interactions with the eel and the brother are fine, but it has the feeling of marking time. Yeah they do magic, yeah, budding capitalists, but the way it ends is basically a tune in next week and that’s not really enough, given there’s no particularly interesting unifying idea or theme. It’s less a story than a collection of solid ideas laid out at a stall for a passerby to rifle through. Me and My Shadow These are competent vaguely gritty fantasy words, used to lay out an idea that’s sort of neat (though you don’t do anything too interesting with it by not having your protag interact with anyone who can’t see ghosts) and then it gets to the bit where interesting and exciting adventures might happen and WHOA NELLY LOOKIT THE WORDCOUNT the story ends. These are not uncommon in the dome, but it’s something that you should always strive to avoid, and especially don’t waste your last line on a lame Hellraiser reference. Julie in Bloom Hmmm. I just reread this a couple of times, and I think I don’t like it but it has enough charm that I don’t mind. Really not a fan of the first para, though, it’s the sort of thing you should write then cut and incorporate it into the body. As is it adds nothing apart from an unhelpful infomercial patina to the story which already has enough problems. E.g. nothing really happens, it’s just a couple chatting charmingly for a bit, and for all it strives to make that The Point, it doesn’t land the fish. Gnosis kai Khara I presume in your head the notion of grace and its role as the centerpiece in a debate between weird ancient egyptian animal creatures is self evident and obvious but I have to say I struggled with this. It’s a nothing story where some richly visualised cardboard cutouts debate philosophy then go for a walk. While it angles for emotion it does little to actually evoke it - cf the weird alien wasp goo story that made me genuinely feel for the poor protag. Crimes? The only crime here is that you deleted your story before I could read it. I might have decided it was better than one of the others and given you retrospective vindication. I might have found some interesting nuggets of prose or elements of style that I could genuinely praise. Don’t do this. We’re all just here to make words better, and none of the barbs we trade mean anything apart from that. Look closely at the link I posted and think on what it represents.
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Dec 12, 2018 12:24
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Yoru Here Brawl This is exactly 1000 words of a couple breaking up, but they are happier at the end than they are at the start. Yoruichi your flash rule is "inflatable car" Sh, your flash rule is "dogs that speak" Due 29 dec 2359 pst sebmojo fucked around with this message at 10:57 on Dec 13, 2018 |
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Dec 13, 2018 10:45
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23 400 words sebmojo fucked around with this message at 00:35 on Jan 2, 2019 |
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Dec 17, 2018 08:52
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Terrible prompt Terrible prompt All is swamped All is flompt
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Dec 18, 2018 09:33
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Steampunk merman for me
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Dec 18, 2018 10:14
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Djeser posted:No loss this week, since it's not terribly fair THIS IS EXTREMELY GOOD SINCE THUNDERMOE IS ALL ABOUT BEING loving FIAR ALL THE FUKCING TIME
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Dec 18, 2018 12:53
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Flesnolk posted:In, PERMATOXX, a normal toxx to not lose, my toxx to review all the entries from the last week I judged still stands, give me a flash rule and... hmmmmmm... King Neptune? Write well.
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Dec 19, 2018 09:39
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Special xmas av for winner and loser
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Dec 21, 2018 05:38
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Have Fist, will Time Travel 850 words sebmojo fucked around with this message at 00:35 on Jan 2, 2019 |
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Dec 23, 2018 09:06
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Also, as is our custom, now is the time we turn off kayfabe. Say what you like and hate, carepost and sincere post, say what you think we need more and less of. The dome has been looking a little thin recently so ways to increase participation would be a good thing to talk on: we can post ads, evangelise to other threads, challenge gbs to a story-off? Idk, what are your reckons?
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Dec 25, 2018 07:14
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Djeser posted:Cross-post a Thunderdome prompt to r/writingprompts. Hgngngn E: thx for the crits fles, and good on you for your legit brutal toxx spasm
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Dec 25, 2018 08:28
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Tyrannosaurus posted:Could we have the avatars that link to TD have those links updated for the new thread? Yeah, i update the losertars as I see them. PM me if I've missed one.
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Dec 25, 2018 15:33
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These are both definitely stories and appear to mostly meet the prompt and flash rules. Judging from me and kaishai will occur presently.
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Dec 29, 2018 05:43
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Thranguy posted:Just a bit more than three hours to get in for the week, everyone. sure I'll judge
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Dec 29, 2018 07:14
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Oh hey! I'm down in zqn on the 6th, want to catch up?
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Dec 29, 2018 07:31
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Beer, eh. Can't say I've heard of it but I am willing to give it the old 'college try'
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Dec 29, 2018 07:41
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 Yoruichi and Sitting Here Brawl rear end in a top hat Prompt posted:This is exactly 1000 words of a couple breaking up, but they are happier at the end than they are at the start. Yoruichi posted:Also brawl entry Sitting Here posted:SITTINGICHI BRAWL ENTRY These were both solid offerings in the face of an entirely fucky prompt - nicely written, mostly, told a good small tale with lots of well drawn detail and character work. However after consultation with my co-judge, we agreed that while one story had two characters we cared about, for all that it ended weakly, the other had one strong character and a bland cardboard cutout (and possibly psychotic cult leader) . Yoruichi wins.
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Dec 30, 2018 04:46
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BeefSupreme posted:
saturday is well past in every part of the world, cough up your regrettably misguided crittythoughts or face the wheel e: also I have a standing toxx to crit all the stories in any week that I fail in, so I'll do the merman week by 2359 pst on 2 jan sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:00 on Dec 31, 2018 |
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Dec 31, 2018 21:49
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also: Thinking of this as the new losertar:  THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019
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Dec 31, 2018 21:57
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BabyRyoga posted:If we already have a losertar and we gain another one, can we keep both? no - it would replace the old one. No reason you can't drop the $5 and double up, though.
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Dec 31, 2018 23:17
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this was a strong week, and even the loser wrote some good story words. regrettably their similiarity to the story words of Stanislaw Lem's 'The Thirteenth Voyage' probably pushed them over the edge into the loss. benny profane extremely nice miniature of a piece, a moment really, but with dynamic tensions reaching back into the pasts of the two well described (for all they're cliche) characters. I really like the suspension of the end, it's clear what the silver thing is a metaphor for but it doesn't push the point. hm/w yoruichi hmmmm, a searing exploration of the half gorilla, half dinosaur condition. or rather a decent jolt of tdome wacky that pumps up the craziness of the ideas (insane chimeric protag beating a babbling monkeycheese archangel skeleton to death before angsting it up batman style is not something I envisaged reading about this morning) while basically managing the sort of slick breezy prose that is vital for this sort of silly endeavour. maybe dm for being so dumb and fluffy, we shall see apophenium this is what you might call high concept wacky, the literal clown building a fallout shelter is intrinsically ridiculous and the story recognises that. I think you could have placed that the protag was a clown a little more clearly early on, but that's a nitpick - I think this one hits its small/large targets very well, and though the A CLOWN... WITH NOONE LEFT TO LAUGH... is on the list of facepalmy metaphorical tropes, I think you handle it lightly enough for the story to work well on its own terms. kaishai i can almost smell this story, and i love the richness and matter of fact horror of your cool-eyed haruspex but I'm not sure it lands the passion that leads her to gut a nearly-entire boat of sailors - she's in love with the unmappable, the unknown, and joins with it and I think i wanted something more to convey that - as it is there is a chilly distance that is at odds with the grimy, bloody, subject matter. armack this is some extremely strange and strong brain juice. it is an interesting cf. with kaishais, which has a similar visceral approach to charting courses in an environment of prevalent body horror, but i think i care more about your disaffected captain. I raised an eyebrow when you cliffs noted the ending, but you know what it sort of works as a precisely delineated stroke of story telling. could maybe see an hm but I think I'll knock it back for the ending a little, since its a strong week. m. propagandalf this is almost a direct rip of one of ijon tichy's voyages in the Star Diaries, and the style is not dissimilar to my man Stanislaw. Lucky for you that I love Lem to bits, and this is tolerably written and made me smile faintly (though mainly, it must be admitted, because it reminded me of that weirdass story with the fish who refused to accept the existence of water. Thing is that was a really quite savage satire of communism, whereas this is a competent if wordy pastiche of Lem. dm, maybe? antivehicular this is a strong week, and this is unfortunately sort of dreary. there's a character, they look at some things and steal a few knicknacks, the end. the words are decent enough as I'd expect, there's some sort of vague political thing maybe with the downtrodden workers half-inching the means of production, but it's the sort of thing that a better story might have disposed of in a line then gone on to tell us something interesting. dm flesnolk this is some good work, you're sort of visibly straining to Write Good and can now afford to notch it back like 10% but I like the broad brushes of metaphor and humanity you achieve. the portentous mythic stuff works better when it's carried on the back of the human interactions which you do pretty well - I do think you could have made barnes more interesting with another line or two, as is he's just a strawman to fall beneath the iron-thewed gaze of MMA pigeon lady. I could also ping you for the static nature of the protag, all she does is look at things and nod at the end, but it still works overall so you may pass. maybe even hm?
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Jan 1, 2019 00:19
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merman crits chillock aww this is spot on, the ridiculous premise is given the double flick flack by first having a plausible underwater fire, then having the endless pointless preparation of the protag be useless, but then! boyf to the rescue! slick, silly and even a little heartwarming. sitting here this is a gorgeous piece, dripping with well-crafted words and a sinewy control - it is essentially a single movement from up high to down low, but by tying that dichotomy to the old mythic standbys of sun and moon, it gives a simple premise some nice metaphorical resonance. killer of lawyers leaving aside how you smell clove cigarettes underwater (I'll put it in the same category as underwater tesla fires and deep sea lava flows) this is just a bit too skimpy to cut it in a week this strong. while your protag, like the one in the last story, is undertaking a simple voyage, there's no real metaphorical heft or impact to it, he's just flapping round some bars. in general if you want to make the core of your story a morsel of psychobabble, at least put some effort into making it interesting. 'validation' is bland and dull. cptn_dr this sort of thin 'gor bless it's christmas innit guv' yarn can work fine, but you need at least a little incident - as is he hops in the pool already basically infused with yuletide spirit so though you tell us about the shabbiness of the whole affair I don't really feel it. the point of this story is that of the christmas carol - xmas changes people, for the better, for a little while. if they're already all topped up with hail fellow well met ectect there's nothing for xmas to do and it has to sit round and get smashed on eggnog. kaishai you do like your glowing jewels, is a thing I've noticed about you, and this may be the apotheosis of that tendency, where basically everything is sparkling. This is ok, it does the job of piloting some slightly cardboardy merdudes into a happy festive reckoning, but I think the pretty imagery rings a little hollow when paired with the thin charicaturs (a word of my own devising). it's fine, and sits well in the middle of the pack. thranguy this is probably the most complicated story so far, which isn't an automatically good idea - I like a nice simple yarn with good clear lines. However it's a deserved victor because it makes a more satisfying dance of ideas than its word buddies, with the lightly scattered superhero world and finely drawn meet-cute yarn of two crazy kids gosh darn it. I think the key element is probably the nagging uncertainty of not knowing the future, which gives our invulnerable super protag an appealing vulnerability. And very strong start and finish - don't mess around with them, your readers are goldfish and have the memory of people with extremely bad memories. flesnolk oh ffs, again? I know, i failed this week so am objectively worse than you in this respect, but for gods sake don't do this again it's pathetic. chucker hmmrmmrm, as you probably know at this point in our mutual acquaintance I'm fond of your stuff for all it ploughs a relatively narrow furrow of either 'pleasingly chucker', 'not quite chucker enough' and 'possibly a little bit too chucker'. this falls into the second category - you've got your premise, which is fine if a little bland, you've got a couple of things that happen and then the story ends. What's lacking is a few stabs of genuine weirdness, and while some might welcome that as a sign of growing maturity i just look at my plate and bang my knife and fork on the table like master chief in that gif you've probably seen. While I agree with the other judgments I would have taken your hm off you and given it to chillock, sorry man i hope that doesn't retrospectively spoil ur xmas or anything sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:36 on Jan 4, 2019 |
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Jan 4, 2019 13:45
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| # ¿ Apr 24, 2024 23:59 |
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It was edited out of the archive.
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Jan 4, 2019 19:27
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