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JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018
IN

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JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018
I AM A GROCERY STORE SHOPPING CART THANK YOU




help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-he
(328 words)


YOU KNOW THAT BITCH

CRYSTAL

YEAH CRYSTAL

IRONIC

SHE’S ON METH ISN’T SHE

THE TEETH THE HAIR THE SKIN THE SORES THE ACNE THE GOD AWFUL DISTANCE LOOK

YOU KNOW THE LOOK

LOOK AT CRYSTAL LOOK AT HER BITCH

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING CALL OUT TO HER CALL SOMEONE CALL HER MOTHER CALL YOUR MOTHER DO SOMETHING ALREADY

YOU GOT HANDS YOU GOT EYES YOU GOT WORDS I GOT WHAT

A LOOSE SCREW AND A SQUEAKY WHEEL

AS SHE PUSHES ME ACROSS THE GROCERY STORE I’M DOING MY GODDAMN BEST I’M SCREAMING FOR ATTENTION SCREAMING SCREAMING

LOOK AT ME LOOK AT HER LOOK AT ME LOOK AT HER

LISTEN TO MY WHEEL FOR GOD’S SAKE

help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-he

WILL YOU

YOU WENT TO HIGHSCHOOL WITH HER

TODAY YOU ONLY NEED A FEW LITTLE THINGS AND SHE’S WALKING DOWN EVERY AISLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU THIS IS DESTINY YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY YOU CAN’T IGNORE HER YOU CAN’T IGNORE ME

LOOK AT THAT GREASY HAIR IT’S FALLING OUT IN CLUMPS LOOK AT THE SORES UNDERNEATH THE HAIR THE RED PULSING SORES ON THE SCALP LOOK AT THEM AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER ABOUT YOURSELF DO SOMETHING DO SOMETHING

STOP DOING NOTHING

AT LEAST FOLLOW ME TO THE CHECKOUT AISLE

AT LEAST FOLLOW ME TO THE PARKING LOT

AT LEAST FOLLOW ME TO THE CAR

AT LEAST

help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-help-he

SHE LEFT A KID IN THE CAR

A KID

IN THE CAR

DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER

BUT YOUR CAR IS JUST A FEW FEET AWAY I GUESS AND YOU CAN JUST GET IN IT AND DRIVE OFF AND MAYBE YOU WILL THINK ABOUT HER NEXT TIME YOU SEE YOUR MOM AND MAYBE YOUR MOM WILL ASK ABOUT YOUR OLD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER AND YOU WILL TELL HER WHAT YOU SAW AND THEN SHE’LL SAY OH OH WHAT A SHAME WHAT A SHAME

AND IT WILL BE

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018
THIS IS NOT A PHASE MOM THIS IS MY LIFE okay

:siren: Week 322 - HUMANIONABLE HUMANIFICATION :siren:



Right, I'm about to turn 30 and am feeling the sphincteresque clutch of age tightening its grip. So let's make this short and snappy like me.

Your stories will all be from the perspective of an object. Not a plant, not an animal, not a person, not an anthropomorphized singing candelabra. A normal, everyday(ish) object. BUT DIFFERENT FROM LAST WEEK OKAY BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO ANTHROPOMORPHIZE YOUR OBJECT SO THAT IT IS ALL THE WAY A HUMAN PERSON

LIKE

IF I GIVE YOU A false door of Kha 2288-2170 BC Egyptian limestone THEN MAYBE YOUR HUMAN PERSON IS FOUR THOUSAND YEARS OLD OR COVERED IN EGYPT TATTOOS

IF I GIVE YOU A CANDLE THEN MAYBE YOUR HUMAN PERSON IS KINDA WAXY OR THEIR HAIR CATCHES ON FIRE IN THE STORY

I DON'T KNOW

I'M SURE YOU CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING COOL JUST MAKE SURE YOUR OBJECT QUALITIES ARE IMPORTANT AND/OR INTERESTING

here's a list to help you not gently caress up:

  • I'll say it again: your object MUST be your protagonist and point of view character. THIS IS GOOD
  • That said, your POV can still be in first, second, or third person. You're not limited to first person. THIS IS CORRECT
  • No seriously, you can't just have the object I give you simply appear in the story. Your object is the main character. YES
  • Your object can't do anything a mundane object wouldn't be able to do. Again, I don't want you to anthropomorphize the object. THIS IS DIFFERENT YOUR OBJECT IS ACTUALLY A HUMAN PERSON WITH THE QUALITIES OF THE OBJECT
  • That said, your object should still have some sort of inner life—a personality. YEAH THIS STILL MAKES SENSE I THINK
  • You can have humans, animals, and (obviously) other objects in your story as long as none of the above rules are broken. COOL
  • If I sense that you are trying to do something ~clever~ that isn't in the spirit of the prompt I will come down on you with all the piss and vinegar of my advanced years. I'M NOT SURE WHY I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO BE CLEVER SO YOU CAN BE CLEVER I GUESS

When you sign up, I will assign you an object. If you have something you feel particularly compelled to write about, you're welcome to choose your own object. I reserve the authority to veto self-chosen objects that don't fit the spirit of the prompt.

All genres are welcome so long as you don't break the above rules. No spoiler tags, quote tags, google docs, political satire, screeds, erotica, or fanfic.

Word count: 630 words 669 WORDS GIDDY UP
Signup deadline: Friday, September 28 OCTOBER 5TH at 11:59:59PM PST
Submission deadline: Sunday, September 30 OCTOBER 7TH at 11:59:59PM PST
Judges:
AgingHere
Apophenium

ThirdEmperor
ME JOHN MADNESS
SEBMOJO


PEOPLE WHO HAVE SIGNED UP
  • ALLNEWJONASILK IS A CANDLE
  • SITTING HERE IS A SHARK IN A JAR
  • THRANGUY IS ALSO A CANDLE BUT ITS A BIGGER CANDLE
  • STAGGER IS AN OLD WOODEN DOCK
  • ANTIVEHICULAR IS A GRANDFATHER CLOCK
  • HAWK LAD IS AN IKEA STORE
  • DEPP IS A GLASS EYEBALL
  • DELTA SQUID IS A VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL PAINTING
  • YOURUICHI IS A FALSE DOOR OF KHA
  • FLIP IS A LONG BOOK
  • A WHOOPIE CAT IS A TV REMOTE
  • ANONYMOUS BLOWOUT IS EARTH'S MOON
  • QUOPROQUID IS A SEESAW
  • CASCADE BETA IS A SILVER CIGARETTE HOLDER
  • SPARKSBLOOM IS A SNAKE SKULL
  • FUSHA TUDE IS A WARM WOOL SWEATER
  • 420 SLUGGER IS A RUBBER DUCKER

JOHN MADNESS fucked around with this message at 04:22 on Oct 5, 2018

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

AllNewJonasSalk posted:

I am IN for this. Give me an object, John The Don.

YOU ARE A CANDLE

Sitting Here posted:

You know what. I wanna see where this goes. IN!

YOU ARE A false door of Kha 2288-2170 BC Egyptian limestone DAMNIT SOMEBODY PICKED THIS

YOU ARE A SHARK IN A JAR PRESERVED IN 70% ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL DYED BLUE FOR A CAPTIVATING "OCEANIC" AESTHETIC


YOU ARE ALSO A CANDLE

BUT

YOU ARE A BIGGER CANDLE THAN ALLNEWJONASSALK'S AND BEING BIGGER IS IMPORTANT


JESUS HOW MANY PEOPLE SIGN UP FOR THESE???

YOU ARE AN OLD WOODEN DOCK

Antivehicular posted:

I stand before the throne of MADNESS, and I shout:

IN

YOU ARE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK


YOU ARE AN ENTIRE IKEA STORE

NOT NECESSARILY THE PRODUCTS IN IT JUST MORE LIKE THE BUILDING I GUESS

LOT OF SYMBOLISM THERE I THINK

derp posted:

haha ok

YOU ARE A GLASS EYEBALL

Deltasquid posted:

In, give it to me John.

YOU ARE THIS PAINTING OF DANNY DEVITO

Yoruichi posted:

In with the false door of Kha 2288-2170 BC Egyptian limestone

THIS IS FINE

sebmojo posted:

I will be a judge

NEAT

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

flerp posted:

good word count in

YOU ARE A DOGEARED COPY OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS

WhoopieCat posted:

In! I want to be a TV remote!

OKAY I'LL ALLOW IT BUT I DON'T LIKE ADAM SANDLER SO YOU'RE ON PRETTY THIN ICE BUDDY WATCH OUT

Anomalous Blowout posted:

In. Objectify me.

YOU ARE EARTH'S MOON


YOU ARE A SEESAW


YOU ARE A SILVER CIGARETTE HOLDER


YOU ARE A SNAKE SKULL

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

ThirdEmperor posted:

uncross my name on that judgelist I am in as a judge I will oversee the chaos

ALRIGHT

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

YOU ARE A WARM WOOL SWEATER

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

a new study bible! posted:

I'll sign up and my story will be 666 words

YOU ARE AN APRON THAT SAYS KEEP CALM AND GRILL ON

NotGordian posted:

In for objects round 2!

YOU ARE A SOOTHING BOTTLE OF ALOE VERA


GOD THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU I'M REALLY TEMPTED TO JUST SAY CANDLE AGAIN

UHH

YOU ARE A CHIMNEY

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

ThirdEmperor posted:

JOHN I CAN TAG IN IF YOU NEED ME ON THESE FLASH RULES I HAVE IDEAS

I GOT THIS MOM DON'T WORRY

slughead42 posted:

I'm in, plz.

YOU ARE A RUBBER DUCK

Sitting Here posted:

this was stupid, it's my birthday week, I have no time. :toxx: that I'll get the rest out by Monday night before I go to bed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

JOHN MADNESS fucked around with this message at 04:24 on Oct 5, 2018

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018

Fumblemouse posted:

In. Please objectify me.

YOU ARE A FINE TOOTH COMB

JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018
JUDGES PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR THOUGHTS AT JOHN J MADNESS AT G MAIL DOT COM

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JOHN MADNESS
Sep 29, 2018
I am at a free computer at the library which is nice since the caps lock key isn’t stuck. I did my quick thoughts earlier and now I will do some more in depth work

WHOOPIE CAT
VERDICT: A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING
  • I was hoping things would be abstracted out a little further than just “she is our self-automated remote control” and “Fleur Estelle even looks like a giant remote.”
  • I liked that you had the flip at the end with the protagonist becoming like her hated sister but you just went so literal with everything. Did you think I wouldn’t be able to keep up with your brilliant metaphor?

NOT GORDON
VERDICT: PRETTY IRRITATING
  • So I enjoyed the dichotomy of the food stomach and the real stomach. And at first I was reading along and assuming all the weirdness is because I’m looking into the rattled brain of a post-apocalyptic survivor. A human survivor. But, no, your character is literally a bottle of aloe vera
  • Did you miss the part of the part of the prompt that said “you are going to anthropomorphize your object so that it is all the way
  • Did you miss the part of the prompt that said “your object is actually a human person with the qualities of the object”?
  • I mean how?
  • It was in all caps
YOURICHI
VERDICT: THIS IS WHAT I WANTED
  • This is exactly what I wanted
  • You did a lot with not many words
  • The back and forth questions with () was a good device
  • Sometimes I have a hard time hearing loud voices in writing unless I’m told beforehand. I think “My voice booms” should have gone first or been removed entirely.
  • Your opening sentence is very strong and I liked how it came back at the ending, too.
  • Also cool -- this guy could be crazy or could actually be supernatural and it doesn’t really matter either way which is cool
SLUGHEAD
VERDICT: MORE OF A CHEAP DRUNK THAN A STORY
  • I meant to write cheap joke not cheap drunk
  • Nothing really happens here. A guy likes taking baths and so he takes a lot of baths. Here is a history of him taking baths. And then a selfie joke
  • Darn millenials and their selfies
DELTA SQUID
VERDICT: VOULEZ-VOUS CHOUCHER AVEC MOI
  • Get it?
  • It’s French and your story was kinda French
  • Haha
  • I can see where you took a lot of little things from your object and incorporated them into your story in lots of little clever ways. I like that. I like the cleverness.
  • Leave the bayonet says a lot with very little
  • See: THE IMPLICATION
  • I am interested in the world you have made where this Gift seems unusual but not miraculous
FUSHA TUE
VERDICT: GOOD BUT I DON’T LIKE IT
  • I think is probably a good story but I do not like it
  • I don’t like the content
  • It makes me feel queasy and that maybe I need to take a shower
  • I guess if that was the goal then good job
DERP
VERDICT: I THINK I AM MISSING SOMETHING
  • I don’t see-
  • I DON’T SEE
  • Funny
  • I feel like there is maybe some crucial characteristic of a glass eyeball I can’t think of that is very important to me fully understanding this story. I guess you could say I don’t see it. Right now, there is a creepy man who is very nondescript and who makes the main character uneasy. She decides to give him a job despite no qualifications. I am missing something?
STAGGY
VERDICT: GOOD, COMPLEX, CLEVER
  • Is that first sentence grammatically correct? The tense seems weird. “Is hitting” might be better?
  • This is the opposite of Woopy Cat’s tv remote story. The metaphor of the object here ((an old wooden dock) is both obvious and subtle (as opposed to being so overt it is painful like it was with the tv remote). A father wants to be a harbour for his son. Easy enough. What I like in particular, though, are the layers to this. All the energy he is putting into rescuing his boat is just a substitute for what he wishes he could do for the relationship he has with his son. And when the boat is lost to the storm, it isn’t devastating because he has had it for forty years but rather because of what the boat represents.
  • Cool stuff
QUID PRO QUO
VERDICT: VERY GOOD
  • I was going to make my verdict something seesaw related how this one was all a good and not bad but I’m getting tired of reading all these stories
  • This a very honest look at mental health. It was not romantic or even unrealistic. This is refreshing.
  • Very good
ANONYMOUS BLOWOUT
VERDICT: ALSO VERY GOOD
  • I enjoy your use of the prompt. Orbit was subtle yet powerful.
  • I enjoy the holes you leave. They are large enough to drive a Mercedes through yet easy for me to fill in with my own imagination. Where did the burns come from? Doesn’t matter.
  • I find the impulse to bath with the fish strange and out of place. Is it a drunk thought blurted out for no reason? That seems to be the implication but I would like to think it is something more complex than that that I just haven’t figured out yet.
  • I will reread this one.
  • Manipulation of Preston is realistic and good
ANTIVEHICLE
VERDICT: NOT MY FAVORITE
  • I don’t know if you were satisfied with this because it seems kind of scaled out
  • Perhaps you had a story you wanted to tell but were overly constrained by the word count
  • Too much summary, too much unimportant information
  • For instance, the father armchair thing was good. The Waltzing Butcher just took up space.
SITTING THERE
VERDICT: WHAT WHY
  • I thought this was going to be a lot different but I guess that’s life huh
FUMBLEMOUSE
VERDICT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON
  • The wife lost her wedding ring but it’s okay because there are stars am I reading this correct
  • Wedding rings are expensive
  • I would be upset
THRANGUY
VERDICT: YES
  • This is good
  • This is a good use of your prompt and I’m not sorry for giving it to you because you did a fine job of it what a smart person I am for assigning it
  • I like the concept of being in Rome and not hearing anything about Jesus that’s pretty funny

In short, Yoruchi is the winner. Quid Pro Quo and Staggy are honorable mentions. Slugehad is dishonorable. And Not Gordon loses. Thank you to Sebmojo and Third Emperor for your help with judging.

Good bye for now

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