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Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

As a newly-minted Wellingtonian I will destroy Seattle extra hard. Sleepless in Seattle is not only a film it is an accurate description of your new life in Seattle after this brawl, if you live in Seattle and you brawl me.

edit: :toxx:

Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 02:27 on Feb 18, 2018

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Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

I will savage the Seattlelites while riding atop the Loch Ness Monster.

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Wellington vs Seattle brawl
Prompt: Loch Ness Monster
Theme Word: Spirit

Monsters Made of Straw 996 words

It didn’t take long to find the place on the photograph. The reeds were taller now, and the trees denser, but this was exactly the same spot: still water, a row of pines, low mist over the lake. On the yellowed photo, my father smiled from under his favourite wide-brimmed straw hat. Behind him, something — a grey blur, mostly out of frame — rose from the water. I sat on a bench, stared at the photo, stared at the loch. Urquart Castle, with its bee-nest of tourists, squatted uncomfortably close.

“Looking for her?”

A woman in her fifties, in ugly walking shoes, approached from behind. Must’ve lost her tour group.

“Nessie,” she explained.

“Not really,” I said.

“Beautiful spot,” she said. Sat beside me with a grunt. Pointed at the photograph, which I held in my hand.

“That’s this spot, that is,” she said. “Your dad?”

I nodded. I was not in the mood for this.

“That’s her behind your pops, all right. That’s Nessie.”

#

Two months ago, a few days after his death, I’d caught the train out to his one-bedroom in Beckton. I cleaned out the ashtrays, bagged up his faded second-hand business shirts. I couldn’t find that hat, but I did found the album he’d always refused to show me.

I sat and flipped through it on his dirty carpet. Snaps of the sky, the smudges in the clouds circled with a red sharpie. Photos of empty rooms covered in orbs of light — dust mites, of course. Even those damned photos of the American woods, from went we went to America to visit mum’s distant family — who must’ve paid for the whole thing I realised later. We spend a week in that awful hell-hole Seattle. Father disappeared for two days and returned with proof of Bigfoot’s existence. Wrote to every newspaper, and claimed conspiracy when they did not write back. Mum wouldn’t talk to him for days. I examined each photo, but Bigfoot was scarce.

And, of course, the photograph of him at Loch Ness. There was a date scrawled on the back. Two weeks before the heart attack. I wondered who took the photo. The camera on timer, probably.

That night, back home in Brixton, I dreamt I was a kid again and father took me sailing down a lake, in a giant boat made of straw — a boat that was just like his hat, tipped upside down. He stood at the helm and rowed with a giant paddle. I wanted to help, but I didn’t have a paddle of my own.

“Dad,” I’d said. “Can I try?”

“The unready,” he said, “drown in the truth.”

#

“What brings you here, young man?” the woman asked.

“Biology conference in Glasgow,” I said. “Figured I’d see the sights, too.”


She giggled. “A scientist! You must think I’m loopy! Guess what I do?”

I shrugged politely, resigned myself to my fate.

“I’m a psychic,” she declared proudly. “I commune with spirits.”

A silence hung around too long.

“Are you here to spot the monster, then?” I asked.

“I don’t need to see her,” she said, “to know she’s there.”

#

I was nine when the family migrated from Poland. Unlike every other Pole in the UK, father was too proud to work construction. He had a masters in theoretical physics, after all.

Mother found a job as a nurse while father spent his mornings at the unemployment office, his evenings at the library. He’d bring back books with the strangest titles — the Webs of the Masons, The Secret UFO Files, Mysteries of the Ancients. I remember wanting to read them. I remember him rebuking:

“The unready drown in the truth.”

#

“Look!” said the woman. Movement in the mist, the sounds of splashing.

“Otters live here, you know” I said.

“I know you can’t see her,” she said, “but can you feel Nessie?”

I twitched. I didn’t mean to be rude, understand — this thing just really gets to me — so I said:

“I don’t know why, honestly, we make up this spirit nonsense. It’s so… banal. Mist on a lake, a family of otters — that is magic. Trying to pin a monster on every spec of dust or exposure flaw? Please. That’s just closing your eyes to the world’s beauty.”

The woman didn’t reply.

#

I hung up on my father, the last time we ever spoke. I’d been on edge, which I was a lot. We’d been arguing. I still can’t remember what about.

“I’m going now,” I’d growled.

“Do you think you’re ready, Thomasz?” he said, calm voice, “For the truth?”

I went.

I told mum about it, later. I don’t usually tell her much.

“Don’t worry yourself,” she’d said. “You know he was crazy.”

“gently caress, mum,” I said. “He’s my loving dad.”

#

“I found a lovely book at an charity store here,” the woman said, eventually.

She withdrew a children’s picture book out of her backpack. Sheepishly, I took it from her. On the cover, a straw hat floated upside-down on an ocean. A large rabbit, in grown-up clothes, and a smaller rabbit in shorts, stood at the helm. Both held paddles.

“Look inside the cover.”

I did. A single sentence, scrawled in pencil, worn away. The handwriting was, of course, unfamiliar, but one word was legible, and it was Polish, and it said:

gotowy

“A dedication. In another language! Isn’t that lovely?”

I nodded.

“You keep it,” she said, “I best go now. It was nice to meet you.”

I held the book in my arms, held the photograph. Held a watercolour of memories in my mind that swam and ran and washed together. I sat until it got too cold to sit and then I started walking. When I was some distance away, I smelled a damp marshy smell. A loud splash came from the lake and I saw a shape, a blur, out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to turn around.

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Yoruichi posted:

Interprompt: Testy kills and other dating disasters

my testies clang approvingly
this dinner's going well
i think that your mum likes me
i think your dad is swell

my cloaca can't stop quivering
your hand is on my thigh
it's weird and i wish it was
just yr dad and i

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

i am judge

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

BAD JUDGE BURPS FROM BAD JUDGE FOR BAD WEEK

inchworm
I like it how the narrator gets angry at the end. Jamming the short and the long sentences together is deliciously bad because it could be effective if done well in a different context. Boy I want to punch the narrator in the face so well done there.

horse called bob
Super delighted at how very bad this was. Delicious details. I laughed due to the words inside the story. The ending is a gift from you to me. So bad.

untitled but the bold tag is broken, nice
Look buddy look here this rhyme makes it flow so it’s sweet and cute which isn’t bad. Dangerously straying into cute nice story territory.

persistance of narrative w/in conceit
Fuuuck yes. These is a serious of absolutely terrible lumps of poo poo. And the persistence of narrative is great, like, I feel for the narrator and his arc but all the words are total trash words, every word is garbage. The artwork progression is sublime. By the time the guy hits 80 he might be able to sketch a half-decent picture.

thunderdome is eternal
I hate the references I’m sorry. Thunderdome Ready Player One. It's awful I will give you that.

jerry kewl adventures
It’s too good. Just adding adverbs is a cheap way to make the writing bad. But actually its not that “bad”
When I finally got home from the worst day of my life see this is actually good, that's not allowed. And he shouts yuppie in the end! Aw.

horse destiny
The badness is not buried in prose but in the plot and I respect that. Really delicious. The “message” is fantastic. This story tells us about the human condition w/ its badness. Boy was this a shining diamond of awful.

cat search helicopter
Once you get into it its flowly and poetic. its actually a decent story. Until the helicopter. The bad endging keeps it alive. Honestly I’d like this rewritten to be “not intentionally bad” as a prose poem 'cause you're onto a decent beat-like piece.

comrade colonel
Pretty bad nice prose but not very interesting.

touch the cactus
Oh this is a choice start of awful writing. Kinda falters. Ending is ridiculous but that's in the spirit of things. Love it how the writer skips the scenes they do not wanna write. A Good Bad Story.

the bear one
This is a bit straight. It’s more a humorous story than a bad story.

anime ayn rand
Sheer genius. The TL notes are great. Falling apart into creepypasta, oh boy. Anime Ayn Rand and her sword. I lick my fingers. I lick the spoon. I lick the bowl. I want more. We're long, sure, but on the plus side you took all the prompts, extra poo emoji for that.

set the world on fire
7k words? I stopped reading pretty early. It’s more mediocre Mage the Ascention fanfic than anything else.

ash ketchum
Relies too much on references and not clever enough but fuuuuck it’s funny. Brute funny, like the boy in year 2 maths making farting sounds with his arm pit.

crawling in the sand
The bad prose is vile. It’s so bad. It’s really tasty. But it’s also dull which is the problem of having such vile prose.

steampunk fairies
Solid middle. Pretty funny, pretty ridiculous, entertaining, nothing stands out as being super awful.

YA eye colour thing
Haha yes. Science Gladiators. The Bridge. The Orphanage. Wonderful YA lampoon. I applaud.

escape from the city
Very funny and awful but doesn’t do very much. I chuckle, I forget about it.

Interviews
Set-up too long, peters out. Just go full Marxist, man. Not entertaining. Boring-bad.

cat and meowse
Very entertaining but no real teeth to it. I clap politely.

memphis tales
I like the tales idea and the setup and I learn about the human propensity for storytelling and how diverse we all are, badly, but I feel this could have been hilariously bad and it was a bit dull.

ready prayer one
A delightful mess. gently caress yes some choice lines here. It’s tasty. It’s hilarious in its awfulness. The title is a gem.

the truth is out there
This rules in how much it sucks. Great SF satire and the ending is a sheer delight. What an awful story. I grin.

My ranking: higher rank/lower number is A Bad Story Which Is How I Like It. low rank/high number is A Good Story Booooo.

1 My First Story
2 Horse Destiny
3 Persistence of Narrative
4 Ready Prayer One
5 How My New Life Began
6 Touch the Cactus
7 The Truth is Far, Far Out There
8 Horse Called Bob
9 Inchworm
10 Escape From the City
11 Ash Ketchum
12 Crawling In The Sand's
13 The Cat One With Nazis And Cute Narrator Notes
14 Steampunk Faries
15 Memphis Tales
16 Awful TDome References
17 Untitled aka Rhyme
18 Mage The Ascension Fanfic I Stopped Reading
19 The Other Cat One
20 Flesnolk Interviews
21 Search For Cat
22 Bear
23 Jerry Kewl

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Jay W. Friks posted:

My sister hit puberty. She got breasts. My brother hit puberty. He stank like pee all the time. When I hit puberty my cranium elongated.

Every two weeks I needed my skull cut down and my scalp stitched up. It cost my parents a fortune. My sister couldn’t get a training bra and my brother couldn’t get deodorant.

My siblings took me out to the woods when my parents were drinking. They'd found a bunker from the Cold War. It smelled like pool chemicals and oatmeal. They locked the hatch when I was down there.

It wasn’t just the money, it was my face. It didn't grow fast enough for my skull. My skin got so tight my eyelids would tear, my nose flattened, my lips stretched so far back I couldn’t speak.

My parents couldn’t keep up with the surgeries. Eventually, my real face would show. It was a monument to unreasonable mutation, birth as a lottery. You see it, you see a kid with Harlequin Syndrome, a kitten with its bowels hanging out, a generation of bees that spin in endless circles.

It brought tears to my parents, my siblings, the neighbors. Dogs averted their eyes, birds stopped singing. That proved it wasn’t just ugliness.

I'm fine with this. I couldn't stand to see it myself. You never realize how many things can act as a mirror until you try to avoid your own reflection.

Interprompt winner 2018

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

I am drawing a circle in the sand of this disgusting failure desert.
Four will enter.
Two will leave.
Give me a team of two challengers against mojo and cpt doc.
Crack a VB roll a durrie do a burnout on ya ute with a kelpie in the back. Let the bloody dingoes howl.
I'm judge. Sebmojo and cptn_dr against the first two challengers to step up.

dreadmojo posted:

Neither me nor career dipshit cptn_dr will submit this week, therefore we are collectively open to your challenges. Motherfuckers.

Advance and make your play.

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

The wind blows across the desert sands. A snake slithers over an empty pack of winfield blues. A voice in the distance calls:
"Fleta Mcgurn and YoruichiBeefSupreme shall brawl against Sebmojo and cptn_dr"

1,750 worlds max
Due date: 1st of December 23:59 PST

Prompt: each writer shall choose one out of the three options below (tell me which prompt when you post your story, you don't have to choose now).
1. The only pub in town has just closed
2. A new hospital in town has just opened
3. It had been forty eight degrees Celcius for three days in a row
(please convert to Fahrenheit yourself).

Any genre, any style, any setting, as long as your words are good and I can see the prompt in your words

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I'll do it, since I failed this week.

Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 19:13 on Nov 12, 2018

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

For bonus points: if a memorable vehicle (mode of transportation) in one writers story appears in your teammates story, that is an Bonus Point for the team and the desert gods shall look upon you more favourably and nod.

Morning Bell posted:

The wind blows across the desert sands. A snake slithers over an empty pack of winfield blues. A voice in the distance calls:
"Fleta Mcgurn and Yoruichi shall brawl against Sebmojo and cptn_dr"

1,750 worlds max
Due date: 1st of December 23:59 PST

Prompt: each writer shall choose one out of the three options below (tell me which prompt when you post your story, you don't have to choose now).
1. The only pub in town has just closed
2. A new hospital in town has just opened
3. It had been fourty eight degrees Celcius for three days in a row
(please convert to Fahrenheit yourself).

Any genre, any style, any setting, as long as your words are good and I can see the prompt in your words

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I'm into Option 3, if Yoruichi is cool with it.

It's ok if two teammates choose different prompts but I will think your team is slightly cooler and has synergy and jazz and excellent hi fives if you both choose the same one. But only slightly (it's ok to choose different prompts).

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Yoruichi posted:

I will leave the punishment of Seb-failure-jo and Cptn_cantsubmit in BeefSupreme and Fleta Mcgurn’s capable hands.

Truly despicable and cowardly, just as I expected.
Brave BeefSupreme and fearsome Fleta Mcgurn shall make a fine team.

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Morning Bell posted:

The wind blows across the desert sands. A snake slithers over an empty pack of winfield blues. A voice in the distance calls:
"Fleta Mcgurn and YoruichiBeefSupreme shall brawl against Sebmojo and cptn_dr"

1,750 worlds max
Due date: 1st of December 23:59 PST

Prompt: each writer shall choose one out of the three options below (tell me which prompt when you post your story, you don't have to choose now).
1. The only pub in town has just closed
2. A new hospital in town has just opened
3. It had been forty eight degrees Celcius for three days in a row
(please convert to Fahrenheit yourself).

Any genre, any style, any setting, as long as your words are good and I can see the prompt in your words

For bonus points: if a memorable vehicle (mode of transportation) in one writers story appears in your teammates story, that is an Bonus Point for the team and the desert gods shall look upon you more favourably and nod.


An empty can languishes on a dusty dirt road and on the can it says "a reminder that this is due in like 48 hours and 8 minutes"

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Yes yes everyone can have an extension of 24hours

BUT

Fleta McGurn - if you want an extension you must include two of the following three words in your story:
wetness, unfathomable, horticulture

Sebmojo - if you want an extension you must include two of the following three words in your story
antipodes, unraveling, seaborne

BeefSupreme - if you want an extension you must include two of the following three words in your story:
oceanic, unthinkable , northwest

cptn_dr - if you want an extension you must include two of the following three words in your story:
moist, umbrage, concussive

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

Beef Mcgurn & cptn_mojo failure-desert brawl judgement will be sometime in the next 48 hours. Tremble!

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Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

FAILDESERT BRAWL FAIL BRAWL DESERT BRAWL
BEEF MC GURN CAPTAIN MOJO BRAWL


I looked into the sands of the foul failuredesert and this is what I saw.

Carcinogen

I dig the direct way this is told. Language isn’t bad at all. A lot is done in a few words, consistent tone, the reader knows what’s up. It’s a fair concept and set up nicely. The way the hospital goes up, the weirdness around it, the way we’re seeing it from some guy’s eyes. The ‘direct story-telly’ voice is a delight.

I’m not sure about the angel line, and the immediate understanding, and the “here we go again” ending. Not that it’s specifically bad, just that it’s very ho-hum and lazy. All the interesting stuff has happened in the first half. Up to “Wagga-Wagga knife massacre” (inclusive, naturally) you’ve done a good job. But the rest is totally phoned-in. It’s not especially bad, but it’s a predictable way to wrap up what has been an all right story. I was really hoping you’d do something surprising for the reader. Next time you do a similar piece, why not consider taking a risk and doing something that you know the reader will not expect or be overly familiar with in the ending? Would pay dividends. The real problem with the phoned-in end is that the rest of the piece, while good, is very ‘straight’. We’ve read yarns like this before. You need to raise the reader’s eyebrow with the ending for this to shine.

If I had to represent this story with an image it would be a skier going downhill, where the level the skier is above sea level represents the quality of the story.

Extermination Excursion

Strong opening sentence but the start a bit jumpy, the way the info is given to us and the way the point of view jumps around and the voice and tone oscillates. The voice is often too casual and uneven.

Careful with your action and blocking. “When David arrived at the bottom of the stairs, Becca jumped to her feet… feels and reads like a static image as opposed to a series of actions, which is probably what you want: David arrives / Becca jumps to her feet.

Concept is good but again, the way it’s told is not selling me. It reads more like a blog post than prose. You have some occasional formal language: “relatively clean and luxurious, often with functional water lines” - but most of it is pretty casual and baggy, e.g. “Rebecca had no interest in losing anyone else she loved” reads pretty casual and The one way she knew she could leave her small settlement was” is plain awkward.

Plot complications are good though, I like what you’re doing in concept. “Diana knows…” "Rebecca noticed that he did not quite meet her eyes." Ending twist (involuntary twitch) is good too.

The Diana/David betrayal really doesn’t hit us very hard because we’re not really feeling for these people. They’re more like names involved in the events being described. Why would David betray Becca for Diana? Things like choice humanising details about the characters and their lives would make us feel much, much more. In short fiction like this, you’ve only a small amount of words to work with and I suggest using your words more on making the characters seem human, real and complex, instead of describing actions that could easily be implied.

Stay conscious of the mood and pacing, too - for example, when "everyone's distracted" by the Clench Crash, this should be a heart-beating moment, but the story is simply casually describing events.

At the moment there's a lot of quite generic stuff: “we were going to have a life! we were going to be free! / Im so sorry, this is for the best!” is totally hum-dum. You want more specific details in both dialogue and character backstory and description.

The plot (as in, “the things that happen”) you’ve done well enough, though. Some really grotesque stuff (mandatory breeding) is handled well in the context of this world (its horrific, but for a resident of the horrific world of the story, could see how ‘some people looked forward to it’).

Kill The Sun

Effective and nice first few lines. But then… hmmm. She hears a thing over the radio by a pier and sees stuff and walks home? Not sure how necessary the first part is, it’s a bit “nothing”, though I don’t mind the visuals and the mood setting.

I’m very curious about the characters. The certainty in which they want to destroy the world if it is a simulation is good, I like that a lot. I want to know more about them but also I like that the story doesn't tell us a great deal because they grow bigger and complex in our heads due to this certainty of breaking the world. I like how they’ve never met and how Nero says nothing in the moment when they do meet. Very nice.

Really, though, we do need to know what it’s like to live in the world, not just be told it. We’re told a lot of the beauty of the world and hows its perfect but all the human stuff is hollow. We know how beautiful it looks but I want to know: how do people live. Right now the Utopia is mostly visual.

“In which everything was available to everyone, in which everyone could do anything they wanted and be well compensated for it, in which nothing ever broke, not really, and nobody died that wasn’t supposed to, in which nature and man lived in perfect harmony.” - this would work in a much shorter piece, but with the amount of details given to everything else by this story, this is insufficient and too generic.

"Signed the contracts" is great with what it implies but also how do the cops know? Implies they have knowledge of “world outside"? That adds a surprising element to the utopia that I do not think is welcome this late, feels cheap instead of clever.

Good concept and a lot of interesting and nice stuff but there’s nothing about the world except for pretty physical description. Like, if it’s a utopia… Nero looks like poo poo. Great! Is that cause the utopia not working for him? Why did he become obsessed with find out out the truth? We might not need the answers told to us explicitly, but we probably need them implied. How do people live in this world? What’s it like, what are Nero and Nakano losing and how did they feel living in the world? Is this the sort of thing that's like “even if the world is super nice and utopian and you can have a nice life, some people will be disillusioned and unhappy”? Are they sacrificing anything by shattering the utopia? Is it not really a utopia for them, are they just struck by boredom/ennui, or are they legitimately sacrificing something for "the real truth"?

Answer those questions and you have something very good here. And you want to answer them without giving us too much detail, either - the certainty that the characters want to destroy the world with, coupled with the little things of them that we know, indeed hints at answering the questions I posed! The story is on it’s way there, certainly.

Tasty use of prompt, too.

Boozeborne Hearts

We’re going for humour by contrast, I guess, with Ernesto and Dwayne’s speech manners and even names? OK, it works. “Wanklord” is pretty good. “Goneburgers” is out of tone, cheap laughs, booo.

The contrast of absurd and straight is carrying the story at the start, I suppose that is fine. The details are good. “Oonawarra uniform”, “whose last name was Pipe (a fact he preferred to remain unknown)”

I hate the punctuation: the “willl not STAND” and “maaaate” for me does not mimic speech, but in fact detracts from the story. A very lazy way to try and show speech mannerisms. Do not do this please. Do not do all caps, do not draw vowels (and especially not consonants) out like that, it makes funny things less funny.

Dialogue between Dwayne and Ernesto a sheer delight. The story truly comes alive then, after the crowd dispersed and we are left with the two of them. Their friendship is lovely. Love with Ernesto and Wendelby actually works because: 1. it’s funny 2. it’s related in an intimate friendship moment 3. the magic power of flash fiction: the less general details you give and the more explicit details (Ernesto is a weirdo and we get his melodramatic personality but we don’t know a lot of ‘basic stuff’) means the mind can fill in the blanks and leaps like this do work. Good way to add depth.

I like the end, get me on board the Antipodes (and get me off before it sinks). A legitimately sweet yarn. This is the opposite of cptn_dr’s story, and I would liken it to a drunk hiker striking out for a mountain summit, where the top represents high quality and the base represents low. The screaming outside the pub is probably too long or too... empty. You might instead spend a few words establishing the rest of the Oonawarra folk a touch more, and perhaps even their feelings about Ernesto - Dwayne is great and sweet to him, but what about the rest?

It’s a touch too comic and empty at the start, and the aforementioned dialogue punctuation really does drop the quality, but this is cozy and good.

:siren:Verdict:siren:

Carcinogen’s tight and it's direct telling is commendable, even though the story is a bit ‘straight’ - the lazy ending dampens the piece, missing an opportunity to surprise the reader and turn a ‘straight’ story into something more memorable.

Kill the Sun needs work but has possibly the most promise to be the best story after a heavy edit, since the question it raises (utopia vs truth) is a pretty tasty one.

Boozeborne Hearts, if improved, I would want to see in a “fun Aussie adventures” fiction collection. It’s a cozy piece with a lot to like, especially the sweetness of Dwayne and Ernesto's friendship and the humour.

Extermination Excursion has decent plot elements and a proper arc, ticks the ‘story’ checkboxes, but drastically needs tightening of prose and voice, depth of character, and the way its told - at the moment you’ve got the skeleton of a sci-fi yarn but all the meat, uh, hanging off it is a bit rancid.

As for Memorable Methods of Transportation: Kill the Sun and Extermination Excursion both have biofuel cars and that is cool and I commend the synergy, but the cruel sinking of the Antipodes in Carcinogen after its wonderful appearance in Boozeborne Hearts edges team cptn_mojo.

Win goes to cptn_mojo team which is the team consisting of forums posters dreadmojo and cptn_dr

Thank you to everyone for giving me stories with promise.

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