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Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?





Welcome to the GDT for UFC Fight Night: Stephens vs. Choi, 10 p.m. ET SUNDAY Jan 14, 2018 on Fox Sports 1!

It took a long time comin’ but it’s finally here: The UFC is coming to my beloved hometown of St. Louis. A city so (unfairly depicted as) prone to violent crime that posters from Nashville think they have the moral high ground. A place where our signature pizza is a cracker covered in fake cheese and if you don’t like it you can go back to Chicago. A city where all our local celebrities actually aren’t too terrible except that goddamn loving no talent Doobie Brothers ruining assclown Michael McDonald, and yet for some reason we still felt compelled to adopt Sammy Hagar. So grab a batch of toasted ravioli and throw it all up from vertigo at the City Museum and watch an extremely fun-looking night of fights down by the river.

Featherweight


Jeremy Stephens

vs.


The Korean Superboy Doo Ho Choi

Des Moines is not home to any major baseball or hockey teams that could have rivalries with the Blues or Cardinals, so the average white St. Louisian will not know much about it, but most of those people DO have a belligerent violent friend or family member who starts poo poo in bars and is wanted in their hometown, so I think Jeremy Stephens will fit right in for the UFC’s debut in the Gateway to the West. Stephens just dropped a split decision to Renato Moicano in the UFC’s first trip to the Show-Me State so some people are starting to wonder whether he’s fading back into journeyman obscurity, but an easy fight of the night win over Renan Barao and a very competitive loss to perennial title challenger Frankie Edgar suggest the 31-year-old still has a little tread on the tires. He’s got heavy hands and has pulled off beautiful finishes over Dennis Bermudez and Rafael dos Anjos (way back in 2008 :popeyes: ) so he always has people excited for the possibility of a cool KO.

St. Louis does not have a Koreatown that I am aware of but we do have a popular Korean-Mex fusion restaurant, Seoul Taco. Their gogi bowls are the good poo poo, and so are the Korean Superboy’s fights. His bout with Cub Swanson was on everyone’s short list for fight of the year and is so good the UFC have used it to hype this fight even though he lost. That fight also pulled the plug on his undefeated streak in the UFC, all of which were by KO finish and two of which won him a cool $50,000 bonus check. We probably only have a year left before Choi has to perform his patriotic duty of staring somewhat nervously across the DMZ for a few years while wondering if today is the day that Kim Jong Un or Donald Trump will finally posture too hard to compensate for being tiny-handed fat idiots, and that makes us all very sad, so be sure to tune in for this one.

Middleweight


Vitor “the Phenom” Belfort

vs.


Uriah “Stay Black” Hall

Have you guys ever heard of the Lemp Brewing Company and the associated family’s home, the Lemp Mansion? The St. Louis manor is said to be super haunted, in large part because the last Lemp patriarch to occupy the home, Charles, was so depressed from being financially ruined by prohibition that he committed suicide in the house after shooting his dog. I just thought that was interesting, considering that after Vitor loses this fight embarrassingly he is going to appear in Bjorn Rebney’s start-up Tijuana fight league looking like Michelangelo’s gayest daydream about Pride era Alistair Overeem.

With that said, this fight could be as strong as Nelly’s solo debut “Country Grammar” or as weak as that mixtape you got pressured into buying off of a 15 year old with a knife hanging outside the MetroLink station off North Hanley. Vitor has his weird party trick of being extremely dangerous for three minutes and wilting immediately at that point, and since he got older and USADA came along he hasn’t even been able to rely on that. Uriah Hall meanwhile is also prone to extremely flashy KOs and strong performances — if he feels like it. I personally hope his management team makes sure he does not go up in the Arch or at least is aware that it sways a little in the wind by design, because the resulting weeks-long anxiety attack it puts him in will likely make him refuse to pull the trigger. The guy just needs to relax and let loose. Maybe find one of our fine adult barcade establishments where he can play Street Fighter 2 and drink lemonade in a corner by himself. Then we will see a flying triple spinning lutz kick KO for sure.

Women’s Strawweight


Paige “Women Fighters I Can No Longer Bring Myself to GIS” VanZant

vs.


Jessica Rose-Clark

There’s a trashy supernatural romance-thriller paperback series out of St. Louis called the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series. It might tragically be our chief literary export, as it got big enough that the titular character had a comic book crossover with Wolverine for a bit. Anyway, it’s about this woman, Anita Blake, who is like a professional zombie raiser or some poo poo, and she also fights vampires and fucks werewolves and provides consultation services for the gestapo responsible for policing this poo poo and making sure it stays in places like Delmar or Ferguson, where no one will turn a blind eye at dozens of corpses turning up with all their blood drained because they were all black poor criminals and looters. It’s the kind of poo poo that Mike Goldberg would be unironically correct in promoting as oozing with “vampire sexuality.” Paige VanZant would be more at home modeling for the cover of one of these novels-turned-comic books than she is in the UFC octagon, but I see WME is still struggling to cut the fat from Zuffa’s budget so she remains here, turning up occasional interesting finishes after several mediocre minutes against unranked or overrated opposition.

Paige VanZant reportedly ducked several already-middling potential opponents to make this fight happen. Rose-Clark just made her UFC debut with a split decision win over Bec Rawlings for which she missed weight. She’s 3-3, 1 NC over the past few years. Honestly she has pretty good odds here.

Welterweight


Kamaru Usman

Vs.


Emil Weber Meek

Kamaru Usman is a lot like the Museum of Westward Expansion under the Arch. I know I have seen it multiple times. I even vaguely feel like I liked some of the things I saw. But like hell I can tell you a single thing about it.

My fellow white folk from the county may be somewhat distrustful of foreign visitors to our fine city and ignorant of their ways, but you only had to overhear chatter in the stands at a single Cards game in the year and a half that followed the Ferguson protests to understand that the Nord will be the heavy favorite here over the Nigerian-American. With that said he probably deserves it — his UFC debut was a solid if not somewhat unmemorable win over Jordan Mein, but right before that he embarrassed Rousimar Palhares in Italy and that owns.

OTHER poo poo TO WATCH
FS1 Prelims, 6 ET
Featherweight Darren Elkins vs. Michael Johnson
Lightweight James Krause vs. Alex White Lightweight Matt Frevola vs. Marco Polo Reyes
Welterweight Thiago Alves vs. Zak Cummings

Lord Waffle Beard Memorial Fight Pass Prelims, x ET
Women's Flyweight Kalindra Faria vs. Jessica Eye
Women's Bantamweight Talita Bernardo vs Irene Aldana
Women's Strawweight Danielle Taylor vs. JJ Aldrich
Featherweight Mike Santiago vs. Mads Burnell
Bantamweight Kyung Ho Kang vs. Guido Cannett

OFFICIAL MMA SNACK RATING: If you’re in North County then the Cecil Whittakers on Howdershell, but all Cecil’s locations are independently owned and operated and can vary pretty wildly in terms of quality and service, and also the Howdershell location took out its Street Fighter 2 machine several years ago in a testament to how our childhoods cannot truly stay golden and I am still unreasonably upset about that, so basically if you’re elsewhere in town I would probably recommend Imos over Cecil’s for a more consistent and reliable experience, but regardless of where you go be sure to get some T-Ravs and get bacon and sausage on your pizza

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Gay Horney
Feb 9, 2013

I got so much love I don't know where to put it

Card is low key pretty good. Kamaru Usman dominates the gently caress out of people and should be being booked against much better competition than meek

Gay Horney fucked around with this message at Jan 12, 2018 around 23:00

Triticum Guzzler
Jun 16, 2002


mysterious secret the ufc will hide from you: choi is actually pronounced "chei"

reeg
Jul 5, 2002

Here's the thing though, about cancer; I don't have it.

usman is very good and is putting together a t-ferg-like streak, assuming he gets past meek they should toss him a top-five opponent and see what happens

Unfunny Poster
Apr 10, 2012





Triticum Guzzler posted:

mysterious secret the ufc will hide from you: choi is actually pronounced "chei"

Can confirm as I kept saying "ch-oy" the way you'd thibk it'd be pronounced until my boss said to stop butchering his last name and sai "chei."

Also this card is gonna air on a Monday morning here in Seoul so TG I can't meet up as I have to spend my time indoctrinating the youth of Korea about bees that have the English letters on them or some poo poo.

El Roncho
Oct 15, 2006
Probation
Can't post for 30 hours!


I think ol' Choi Guevara is gonna mess Stephens up with his super straight laser punches.

JaySB
Nov 16, 2006





Usman should spark Meek and then fight Wonderboy.

Brown Paper Bag
Nov 3, 2012



This card is good as hell

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


In a shocking turn of events, Zak Cummings has Brazilian'd himself, slipping in the bathroom and cracking open his skull on a handrail, so he won't be fighting Thiago Alves

https://twitter.com/ZakCummings/sta...032301038342144

in other news, uh, don't forget to vote for the 2017 MMA awards?

Triticum Guzzler
Jun 16, 2002


the tub is undefeated baby

Dr. Abysmal
Feb 17, 2010

We're all doomed

I'm happy to see that Kyung Ho Kang has returned

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Triticum Guzzler posted:

the tub is undefeated baby

Yeah they reversed Jones' win over him and gave him back the title

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005



The dinosaurlion uses bathtub. It’s super effective.

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS9vdoX3Ju0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS9vdoX3Ju0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS9vdoX3Ju0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS9vdoX3Ju0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS9vdoX3Ju0

Charles Gnarwin
Jul 31, 2014

I joined the #RXT REVOLUTION.

he knows...


Uriah Hall is at the hospital and didn't weigh in so he continues to disappoint in new ways. An evolving fighter is Uriah Hall, Joe.

Fentry
Mar 7, 2003

ain't no bitch

Can we just pretend the fight isn't cancelled so Vitor will still retire? Just tell him he won then distract him with pictures of feet

evobatman
Jul 30, 2006

it means nothing, but says everything!

As a Norwegian, I

Triticum Guzzler
Jun 16, 2002


Unfunny Poster posted:

Can confirm as I kept saying "ch-oy" the way you'd thibk it'd be pronounced until my boss said to stop butchering his last name and sai "chei."

Also this card is gonna air on a Monday morning here in Seoul so TG I can't meet up as I have to spend my time indoctrinating the youth of Korea about bees that have the English letters on them or some poo poo.

it doesn't matter anyway as none of the bars are open, so congratulations to my mother in law on watching her first event since cruz/garbrandt

jay z's sedan
Nov 22, 2005


LobsterMobster posted:

In a shocking turn of events, Zak Cummings has Brazilian'd himself, slipping in the bathroom and cracking open his skull on a handrail, so he won't be fighting Thiago Alves

https://twitter.com/ZakCummings/sta...032301038342144

Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance, but nine misfortunes... I'd like to see that! I

CatelynIsAZombie
Nov 16, 2006

I can't wait to bomb DO-DON-GOES!


Triticum Guzzler posted:

it doesn't matter anyway as none of the bars are open, so congratulations to my mother in law on watching her first event since cruz/garbrandt

at least choi might be relatable

Skip My Posts
Aug 15, 2005



cody dancing on and humiliating cruz as your first event? its beautiful

Grem
Mar 29, 2004

FUCK FEMINISM I BELIEVE IN HUMAN RIGHTS...FOR ALL!


Jessy Jess gonna style all over PVZ until she gets her head kicked off.

Skip My Posts
Aug 15, 2005



who?

Grem
Mar 29, 2004

FUCK FEMINISM I BELIEVE IN HUMAN RIGHTS...FOR ALL!


Yea I don't know what it is but I like all the dirty rear end WMMA fighters from Australia. Maybe I have a problem.

El Roncho
Oct 15, 2006
Probation
Can't post for 30 hours!


Shameless Bec Rawlings Fan is a dirty job, but must someone do it?

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


Volkan Oezdemir looks like a slightly more autistic Rory Macdonald.

JaySB
Nov 16, 2006





"Tonight I close out his lights, he's going lights out"

Uhhh

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


Who is on the call tonight? Kind of sounds like Jimmy Smith but I can't believe he'd already be doing an event.

El Roncho
Oct 15, 2006
Probation
Can't post for 30 hours!


U Mads bro?

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


Holy poo poo missed his drat cut by 4 pounds.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


I like that Jeremy Stephens appears to already have a black eye in preparation for this fight.

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005



Holy loving bacne

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

plz control u toxic hatsculinity



Le Saboteur posted:

Who is on the call tonight? Kind of sounds like Jimmy Smith but I can't believe he'd already be doing an event.

felder and whoever felder's partner is

Mr. Nice! posted:

Holy loving bacne

somewhere, jeff novitzky stirs

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


Mr. Nice! posted:

Holy loving bacne

Some of it has legit popped and is bleeding.

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005



Le Saboteur posted:

Some of it has legit popped and is bleeding.

It’s gross af.

Skip My Posts
Aug 15, 2005



Mr. Nice! posted:

Holy loving bacne

roxane mordfrrieri is fighting tonight?

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

pink wasn't even a thing why is t#RXT REVOLUTION~!
and i'm so fucking excited for #SCOOPS#SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS #SCOOPS#SCOOPS

he knows..


Coming in almost 5 pounds over and wrestle loving your opponent is a great recipe to get that win bonus.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Got in just as this fight ended, was it any good?

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

plz control u toxic hatsculinity



not really, Santiago seemed unfamiliar with the concept of an underhook and Burnell just kind of sucks

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chaleski
Apr 25, 2014


The first round was really fun

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